TD Issue 150

CMYK

E R I

T A S

Sunday, 22 - 28 December, 2019 I Issue 150 I Pages 04 I Sections 06 I Rs 30

Will appeal in court against this decision, says winning side’s lawyer

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he Attorney general for Pakistan, Anwar Mansoor Khan condemned on Wednesday the decision by a special court in his favour.

Attorney general Anwar Mansoor Khan, is the principal legal officer of the federal government, told a press conference last night that the judgement in the reference against former dictator

Musharraf filed by the federal government was ‘against the constitution’.

“We will appeal in court against this unfair decision,” he said, referring to the legal victory of the federal government that took place on his watch.

A special court convicted Musharraf of high treason yesterday for imposing a state of

emergency in 2007, a move which sparked a wave of protests and plunged the country into turmoil.

Meanwhile, at the same press conference, information minister Dr Firdous Ashiq Awan dispelled the impression that there was any interference in the working of the federal government by the federal government. g

SatIre

Dropped Imran to airport myself so he doesn’t wander to the wrong side again: MBS ‘How can law apply to president, true leader of the greatest country,’ ask protesting jingoists

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CAPITAL OF THE GREATEST COUNTRY

rotesting nationwide jingoists, self-avowed patriots, took to the streets, social media and legislative domains, on thursday to question the latest move against someone they see as the most formidable leader in the history of this greatest country of theirs.

Perplexed that the constitution and law could be applied to their supreme leader who put his country first and vowed to make it great again, the protestors declared that those actually backing the decision against him were ‘traitors’.

For them, the greatest leader in the history, took over at a tough time

for the country, when they were surrounded by so many conspiracies, and then took the state out of it.

“A president, who has served the country for four decades in different capacities, ensured the defence of the country, can surely never have the same country’s law applied to him,” said the official spokesperson of the protesting movement, while talking to The Dependent. “the due legal process, which underlines that the same law doesn’t apply to all individuals in the country, seems to have been ignored. the protestors expect that justice will be dispensed in line with the selective implementation of the constitution,” he added. g

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RIYADH

n what was a departure from protocol, saudi Crown Prince Muhammad Bin salman accompanied Prime Minister imran Khan to the riyadh Airport to ensure that the Pakistani premier actually goes in the right direction. talking to The Dependent after dropping off PM imran, following his one-day trip to saudi Arabia, Crown Prince MBs said that he just had to bid farewell to his guest personally. “i took him to the airport, the departures, the boarding lounge, and then to the entrance of the airplane. i also wanted to personally see him take off. i made arrangements, both technological and human, that a close watch was kept on him throughout the flight, then the luggage collection,

Musharraf conviction travesty of justice: Ehsanullah Ehsan

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UNDISCLOSED LOCATION

oteD jurisprudence scholar and public intellectual ehsanullah ehsan has come down harshly on the recent conviction against former dictator Pervez Musharraf. “this is clearly selective justice,” said ehsan, speaking exclusively to a blindfolded correspondent of The Dependent. “if Musharraf is to be punished, then why not

also punish those who looted

country for 40 years? And 35

the arrivals, and after exiting the airport, and beyond,” MBs told The Dependent in an exclusive interview.

“From the moment we departed the palace, it was all about ensuring that imran reaches where should, moves in the right direction, and doesn’t wanted to the wrong side – just like he often does, needlessly and heedlessly,”

the saudi Crown Prince added.

MBs expressed further satisfaction that Prime Minister imran Khan has kept himself in the right lane, has been on the right path, and will reach the right destination.

“We’re just going to have to keep an eye on him at all times. We have the devices in place – we’re calling it the immy Monitor,” MBs added. g

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E D I TO R ’S N OT E

years, maybe 70 years, whatever we’re going with these days, you get the point.” “i think the judiciary should also go against those who attacked the supreme Court building in november 1997, instead of going after those who merely incarcerated supreme Court Justices in november 2007,” he said. “the judgement is such a travesty is that Lady Justice herself would rile herself in anger at seeing that hero of a man treated like this,” he said, visibly moved. “now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s lunch time and thursdays are mutton pulao day at the mess.” g

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and meant to be taken in good humour.

The Dependent is an “equal opportunity offender” and we would urge all concerned to humour our attempts at humour.

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.

CMYK

02 OPINION&EDITORIAL I M AG E O F T H E W E E K

Sunday, 22 - 28 December, 2019

E D I TO R I A L

reckless decision Judgment will hurt the sentiments of Musharraf

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he decision by the special court hearing the high treason case against former dictator Pervez Musharraf is most certainly going to be divisive as it is not going to go down well with former dictator Pervez Musharraf.

The feelings, hopes and aspirations of all of Pervez

Musharraf should have been taken into account before taking such a reckless decision. This paper believes that at a time like this, when Pakistan faces so many external and internal threats, we cannot afford to alienate Pervez Musharraf.

Now that this questionable decision has come out, the onus is on the government to better

manage the fallout. The management of the sentiments of Musharraf is an aspect of modern statecraft.

Postscript: an angry mob descends on Dawn newspaper after it claimed that a recently convicted traitor is a Pakistani national. We wish both the mob and Dawn newspaper good luck. g

OPINION

2010s – a decade of civilian supremacy

By Immy & mush

N OT T H E D E P E N D E N T

[Editor’s Note: This is the second in a series of four decadeending Op-Eds which are being jointly written by eminent figures from the country who have played a prominent role across the 2010s. The pieces will recognise the state’s achievements across this decade, heading into the 2020s, with the co-authors having played major contributions in the successes. Last week we had Mullah Burqa and Khadim Di Siri looking back at a ‘decade of upholding human rights’.]

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e might be writing this decade ending Op-ed looking to summarise 10 years of incredible achievements, but we have to confess that this article could not have been written on a better day. Yes, it’s all about what happened in the 2010s, but we’re also going to highlight what happened this week – which in a way endorses the viewpoint that this piece was going to underline even beforehand.

When it comes to celebrating a decade of civilian supremacy, there is no better way to do it than doing so under the light of the special court’s verdict from Tuesday. Of course, not the ruling itself, which we can all agree was bulls**t, and gave us all pain and anguish – throughout the rank and file of the nation. What will truly reaffirm civilian supremacy, in line with the history of this country, is when this rubbish verdict is trampled on and the true supremacism is upheld.

That, however, is likely to happen somewhere in the 2020s – possible early on. Although, of

course, given the pain and anguish that we’ve all felt, something within the 2010s can’t really be ruled out.

We’re grateful, both of us, that in this quest for civilian supremacy and upholding of the rule of law in the country, we’ve played our due parts. Sovereignty is something we both feels strongly about, which is why our entire lives and careers have been dedicated to the unquestionable sovereignty of the parliament.

Similarly, there is no concept of parliamentary supremacy and rule of law, without holding the constitution of the country in the highest esteem. And the constitution is our absolute favourite book – after In the Line of Fire and Pakistan: A Personal History, of course.

We collectively feel that the nation, and indeed the entire world, knows everything about our services to civilian supremacy

in the past – including the 2010s.

Therefore, we would focus here on what needs to happen in the future – starting with the 2020s – to continue the great work that we’ve done in the past.

We feel that the recent attempts to cause pain and anguish to the nation should be set examples of, so that similar moves cannot be taken in the future. Not only do these moves cause frictions between the institutions, they undermine civilian supremacy by looking to give the civilians what has never fallen under their jurisdiction – and never will.

Therefore, let us reemphasise, the best way to uphold civilian supremacy in the 2020s would be to acknowledge what civilians should and shouldn’t be allowed to do. And the best way to do that is to spread awareness throughout the rank and file of certain institution, where certain laws can and cannot be applied. g

Satire

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.

CMYK

BOLLYWOOD 03

Sunday, 22 - 28 December, 2019

‘My Zoro ten times better actor than your tuffy,’ late night tweet slams Sooraj Barjatya

‘Like on Jamia Milia tweet pressed by Shaam,’ Raju tells Babu Bhai

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MUMBAI

nfOrMIng the landlord that this was the latest in a long line of attempts carried out by his new housemate, raju duly conveyed that the like button on the controversial link regarding Jamia Milia University on Twitter from his phone was pressed by ghanshyam, also known as Shaam, alternatively spelled Shyam.

The landlord, Baburao ganpatrao apte, known fondly as Babu Bhai, the owner of Star garage in the city’s lesser

affluent area, was left confused with the latest allegation against Shaam, his newest paying guest who had been referred by Maruti Bhaiyya, the owner of a restaurant in Matunga.

Shaam, who has come to Mumbai from gurgaon seeking a job that he’s been applying for over the past six years, completely denied allegations that he pressed like on any Twitter link, or that he has ever used any social media account. raju, an unemployed man looking for shortcuts to make

money, however, is adamant that it was Shaam who pressed the like button, and warned Babu Bhai that if he isn’t careful his newest tenant might use other devices in the house to conduct dubious social media activity. as a result, the landlord insisted that both his houseguests give him their passwords. as raju duly gave Babu Bhai the password, Shaam claimed he heard a ‘golmaal’ song ringing in his ear as he was about to give his password. g

Satire

Sunday, 22 - 28 December, 2019

Berger Robbialac White neither milk nor tea whitener, PFA angrily clarifies

T encouraging new Punjab Food authority survey reveals traces of chicken in chicken products

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learly being put in his place at 2:02 am on Wednesday, Bollywood producer and director Sooraj Barjatya was categorically told that his biggest claim to fame owes solely to the parallel reality that the Indian film industry portrays.

Sooraj Barjatya, who has made several blockbusters, was told through a series of late night tweets that the ‘only superstar’ he has produced, Tuffy, the dog from Hum Aapke Hain Koun was ‘nothing’ compared to Ehd-e-Wafa’s leading actor Zoro.

“My Zoro ten times better actor than your Tuffy,” read one of the series of tweets released from this Twitter handle.

“Only in Bollywood can you imagine and dream that the two, completely poles apart, can even be competitors when it comes to performing arts,” another tweet added.

The handle in question is known to tweet about dogs and Bollywood, with a penchant for setting the record straight with Bollywood actors and filmmakers. after being relentlessly pinged on Twitter, Sooraj Barjatya replied back in DMs saying, “Tuffy’s real name is redo, and he’s not mine. He is with Madhuri Dixit,” adding the Bollywood superstar’s number in the message.

“Hello Madhuri ji, big fan of yours *heart* *heart*,” Dixit received a creepy message on her Whatsapp at 2:19 am, The Dependent has learnt. g

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04 PUNJAB FOOD

n encouraging new survey conducted by the Punjab food authority (Pfa) has revealed a surprising amount of chicken traces in the chicken products sold throughout the province.

“This was an extensive, crosssectional survey that the authority has conducted over the course of one year,” said Hassan ashfaq, Director research, Pfa. “and we were as surprised as the scientists over as PCSIr who carried out the survey.” “not only did the study reveal a large quantum of chicken traces in the products, but there were also

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RAWALPINDI/MUMBAI

indications that these were showing a steady increase,” he added. “yes, of course, the pessimists would point out the negatives, that a significant proportion of said traces were chicken faeces, but hey, we would still chalk it down as a win,” he said.

“It is time to look at the positives,” he said.

“Instead of going berserk over all that coverage of donkey meat, did anyone ever report the good quality of that organic donkey meat itself?”

“It wasn’t good quality donkey meat, no, but no one bothered checking if it was, is what I’m saying,” he said, in response to a follow up question. g

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He Punjab food authority has harshly rebuked recent joint attempts by the tea-whitener and paint mafias to pass off Berger robbialac White as a tea whitener. “no, the Berger robbialac cannot be used as an additive in tea because it’s paint and that really is not a good idea” said a fuming spokesperson for the Pfa at a presser.

“I honestly do not understand the impulses of people at times!” he went on to say.

However, the Pfa may not be as innocent as it seems as the entire matter came to rise because of their own negligence. according to details, people had started using the Berger paint as tea whitener after the Pfa launched a campaign clarifying what product is considered milk and what is considered tea whitener.

While the general public was made aware

that Milk Pak, Haleeb, Dostee and others are not really milk and just tea whitener, no clarification was given regarding the use of Berger in tea.

It was at this point, that a public concerned with their health switched to using Berger in their

tea seeing that the Pfa had missed it in their awareness campaign.

One user told The Dependent that he had been left confused over what to do and took the obvious course of using what was not in the awareness campaign.

“Well what else should I have done?” the exasperated man questioned this reporter.

“My wife said get tea whitener but said only to get the ones approved from the Pfa and I had to make a call” he added.

Meanwhile, the spokesperson of the Pfa maintained that the paint was neither Tea Whitener nor milk. “also, at this juncture, for the sake of total transparency I would also like to assert that the Berger robbialac White is not milk and cannot be consumed.

This is because its chemical composition forces it to be paint, which is hazardous to the health” he ended. g

Satire

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.

CMYK

NATIONAL 05

Sunday, 22 - 28 December, 2019

Protestors besiege arY office over report calling tories ‘Pakistan-origin’

D Drifter Imran takes skidding, sharp U-turn on brand new Proton X70

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ISLAMABAD

CComPanieD by the even sexier abdul razzak Dawood, the advisor on commerce and automobile torque, total drifter imran Khan during the earliest hours of thursday took a sharp, skidding U-turn on his new Proton X70 near rawal Lake, The Dependent has reliably learnt. swiftly jerking the steering wheel at the absolute brink of the decision-making point, Khan smirked gleefully with his sparking eyes visible over the

superfluous sunglasses, triumphantly, and literally, taking his 181 hp, JLe-4G18tDB engined brand new car to a spin. as the car spun, the everimproving Khan heard the screeching sounds off its 225/65r17 tyres, exhibiting friction similar to what he had overcome during his recent trip to riyadh.

Dawood, who taught ex-con private eye Jim rockford his famous J-turns in the 1970s hit tV show The Rockford Files, supervised over the drifting

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06 PAIN & ANGUISH

Progressive jawaan asked by old school senior to do 200 more sit-ups till he feels pain and anguish

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PLAYGROUND

fter being asked to perform dozens of sets of squat benders, windmills, prone rows, push-ups, the progressive jawaan sweating buckets on the playground on the cold, foggy, thursday morning, was asked by his old school senior to do 200 more situps, eyewitnesses have informed The Dependent. the latest order, which had indeed followed the chain of command, came after the entire unit had complied with the orders from the headquarters to feel ‘pain and anguish’ as ‘rank and file’ among the entirety of the institution, barring the jawaan enduring the punishments. sources confirm that while

manoeuvre carried out by the Prime minister of Pakistan on the first premium sports utility vehicle by the malaysian automotive brand gifted by Khan’s race enthusiast buddy mahathir mohamad earlier this week. the vehicle was handed over to abdul razzak Dawood, at a ceremony held at the malaysian High Commission in islamabad, with the Pm’s advisor being charged with ensuring that Khan’s U-turns reach rockfordian proportions before the end of his tenure. g

many younger members of the unit didn’t actually feel any ‘pain and anguish’, after an initial resistance they went along with claiming that they actually did – with lying, in this particular case, being a significantly lower breach of code than even implying that one’s pain and anguish was any less, let alone doesn’t exist at all.

However, the forward-looking jawaan’s persistent refusal to not only deny the pain and anguish, but actually show contentment, meant that punishment continued throughout the morning. “ok, boomer,” said the jawaan to the unit supervisor when asked to do another 20 sets of 8-count push-ups at press time. g

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ISLAMABAD

emonstrations took place in front of the islamabad office of arY news after the channel ran a report, and published a story, calling tories in Britain ‘Pakistan-origin’ on December 13. in a report designed to underline 15 British citizens as somehow being linked to Pakistan based on their ancestry, the antinational media house arY news went as far as saying that even the tories among those 15 were of ‘Pakistan-origin’. after The Dependent’s trademark investigative journalist and sting operations, the 15 Brits in question were later found to have something in common: each of them had won a seat in the general election of the United

Kingdom on the same day as arY needlessly linked them to Pakistan.

Protestors outside the arY office said that among the 15 individuals those Brits belonging to the Labour Party being forcibly connected to Pakistan was the lesser crime, but those from the Conservative Party, also known as tories, being called ‘Pakistan-origin’ was absolutely unacceptable.

“We demand a ban on arY for calling members of a party that is clearly anti-muslim as being of ‘Pakistani origin’. and we demand an apology,” said a protester raheem mahmud. “after that we will break everything we find in and around the office, just like this traitor of a media house has shattered our feelings,” said another demonstrator Kashif Javaid. g

Satire

Sunday, 22 - 28 December, 2019

‘Pain and anguish is rejected,’ says special court’s Twitter handle

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ISLAMABAD

He special Court on Wednesday afternoon rejected as ‘incomplete’ a notification of ‘pain and anguish’ on its verdict taken on tuesday. taking to twitter, the bestknown medium to discuss intrainstitution and south asian politics, the special handle devised exclusively for this special court, said that pain and anguish, felt by the entire rank and file, is ‘rejected’. ‘notification on pain and anguish is incomplete and not in line with recommendations.

Pain and anguish is rejected,’ read the tweet sent out by the special twitter account.

Satire the seeming altercation between two prominent institutions of the country is the latest in a series of incidents which experts say is owing to

the power tussle between the two, with one having a history of dominance over the other. analysts have been critical of the harshly worded tweet sent out by the special twitter handle, with many suggesting that not only was the content of the tweet uncalled for, what was rejected doesn’t come under the jurisdiction of the rejecter. “their pain and anguish doesn’t fall under your jurisdiction, so perhaps you shouldn’t comment on it,” advised a leading expert on general feelings, wishing anonymity given the scale of an issue that has now evolved into a national crisis. g

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.