Drew Peacock Drew Peacock is a wannabe instagram #hypebeast who is all about #patterns and #tryingtohave sex with the doorman. #WAITHESNOTGAY?
ERIC SHUN Eric Shun has a sex drive that can’t be satisfied, despite his uncomfortable living situation with the mother of his children, he’s been know to dabble in some of the ladies in the building, while avoiding Drew Peacock’s invitation to send him a dick pic.
DYLAN WEED Dylan Weed, runner up in being one of the original three wise men is the building’s most prolific dealer. He says he would’ve brought baby the dankest bud.
Bill Leeake How many licks does it take to get to the center of Bill Leeake’s lollipop? Just ask.. When he isn’t eating, of course. His partner died, he eats to forget, I think?…
Juana Bea & Ayma Dommy Juana Bea & Ayma Dommy are the blonde bitch duo who are incapable of speaking to anyone unless in the presence of a man. They were cursed in their teen years for wearing last season Gilly Hicks.
PAPA WOOD Papa Wood aka the Italian Stallion is a total DILF. His record in the bedroom precedes him; though the uglo he now has a kid with is nothing to sneeze at.
CAL KLATOR Cal Klator is a NASA experiment gone wrong. Or right? The professor / math wizard / positive affirmation coach sometimes sleeps at union square. I wonder if he yells, ‘‘Have a wonderful day!’’ to the pigeons too?
DARYL LECT Daryl Lect is on the verge of retirement and is doing the most. You drink? He drinks more. You smoke? He smokes more. You gamble? Ha! He’s lost it all by now. When he’s not actively doing the most he’s taking napnaps with Cal Klator at Union square.
CHRIS p. NUGGET This one time, in band camp ( just kidding ) Chris P. Nugget having had a night of liberation-filled debauchery bought some delicious fries from the golden arches. He enjoyed those only after he’d scraped them off the elevator floor. Class, ladies and gentlemen, class.
HUGH DEMANN Hugh deMann is not good at many things. The few things he does well involve spending money that isn’t his, doing lines off of Tuesday special strippers, and breaking off engagementS after the bride’s already bought her Vera.. ( The bride being Diane Toluvia )
Diane Toluvia Diane Toluvia doesn’t have the shoulders for a strapless Vera anyway.. You know the old saying, though! When one tenant dumps you ( Hugh deMann ), move on to the next one ( Barry D. Hatchett ), Right?
BARRY D. HATCHETT Barry D. Hatchett is Australia’s tallest rebounder ( not as in basketball, but rather girls who’ve just been dumped ). He had a thing with Diane Toluvia but some baby mama drama brought him back together with Mel Keetehts. When the universe speaks, it speaks.
MEL KEETEHTS Mel Keetehts pulled some Jerry Springer type of magic, or whatever Australia’s Jerry Springer is, to get back together with Barry D. Hatchett. Got dumped? Easy, just get pregnant! Bam! Relationship saved.
MARION MONIE Marion MonIE is that kind of old money, grand white woman who holds on to her dollars like a mother holding on to a newborn. She gave an oatmeal cookie when asked to contribute to the holiday bonus fund.
GIL T. AZELL Gil T. Azell has a Spanish green thumb that produces some of the finest weed the building’s ever tried to cover up with Febreze. His idea of a housewarming gift involves a J and blatant advances disregarding his girlfriend.. It’s a one-sided open relationship, duh.
KAY NEINE Kay Neine is the building’s most beloved tenant. She’s a bit lazy, yeah, but the girl does wonders with a plastic bottle. Oh right! And she’s a dog.
CODY PENDANT Cody Pendant is a grown man baby child whatever. When mommy can’t fix his problems, you best believe grangran will have a tissue for his issue.
IVANA SUALO Ivana Sualo would have a boy scout’s badge in giving good head if there was one. Want to see her put a whole fist in her mouth?
HUGH MUNGOUS Hugh Mungous is such a size Hurricane Sandy didn’t bother moving him around. Word on the street is he’ll be playing Jupiter in this year’s ‘‘Planet on Ice’’ spectacular.
BARRY SHMELLY Barry Shmelly is an Italian hunter who always seems to smell like yesterday’s catch. He’s an accidental snitch, even though his scent, though I can’t imagine anyone wanting to give this snitch any stitches.
Ariel Hassle Ariel Hassle is the pint-sized ( or liters since she’s French ) mastermind behind this whole thing. She’s noticing it all behind her 3 feet ( meters, whatever ) of hair and fresh puff of tobacco vapes.
C NOE PAPARELLA