Pg 20
Pg 25
RELEASING YOUR TEENS FROM Pg 06
INTERNET LOCKDOWN
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Pg 36 Pg 18
COOKING UP STORIES TOGETHER Pg 15
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Expert Authors
Team Editor Ramya Gopalakrishnan Design and Layout Vidya Shivakumar Ramesh Kumar
Publisher Prayag Consulting
Dr. K. Janakiraman is a psychologist and mental health counsellor. He is a certified forensic psychology expert, member of the National Cyber Safety and Security Standards council and a Cyber Crime Intervention Officer, certified in the National Security Database by Information Sharing Analysis Centre, India.
Prayag Consulting Pvt. Ltd Jaya Kumar (Chairman & Co-Founder)
ParentEdge 45/B, 4th Floor, 1st Main, J P Nagar, 3rd Phase, Bangalore – 560 078 Ph: 080-26593334 contact@parentedge.in www.parentedge.in
Subscriptions Ph: 080-26593334 Mobile: 9743008833 www.parentedge.in subscription@parentedge.in Dr. Jeyakar Vedamanickam, after a rich career in industry, was the Director of the Xavier Institute of Management and Entrepreneurship in Bangalore. He has authored the book ‘Sculpting Angels: Parenting Lessons to Foster Creativity in Children’. He writes articles in the form of short stories (‘storicles’) – centred on behavioural science and psychology. Some of these storicles have been published as a book ‘Corona Blues and Other Short Stories’. He conducts corporate workshops on ‘Creativity and Innovation’, ‘Behavioural Economics’, ‘Strategic Management’ and ‘Risk Management’.
Dr. Nisha Vidyasagar is a Clinical Psychologist practising at Unified Brain Health Centre, Chennai. She specialises in relationships and mental health of both adults and children
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Parenting Education and Learning Behavioural and Psychological Issues Health Interests and Extra-curricular Activities
6 Cover Story Helping Children Manage Big Emotions
15 Parent-Child ActivityEdge Cooking up Stories together
18 Quick Resources Child-Safe Search Engines
25 20 Everyday Parenting Developmental Milestones Six to Sixteen years
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Nutrition Handling fussy eaters
For parents of children aged 3 - 6 Years 7 - 12 Years 34
13 + Years
Book Reviews Books for children
36 Lifeskills through Stories Begin with the end in mind
30 Making sense of adolescence Releasing your teens from Internet Lockdown
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Young children are often beset by strong emotions. Emotional challenges are a part of growing up and uncomfortable situations tend to elicit a mixed set of reactions in children ranging from anger, sadness, fear and worry. A toddler who loses her toy; a middle schooler who is ignored by his friend; a teenager dealing with being over-weight - all experience big emotions that require regulation. In some children, the reactions are instantaneous and intense while in others the distress builds up over time before leading to an outburst. How we react to our child’s emotions has an impact on their ability to handle their innermost feelings. As parents, we thus have a responsibility to help our child develop emotional intelligence for them to cope with the highs and lows of life.
Useful questions to ask ourselves Before proceeding to read through the next few pages, it helps to think of the following questions:
»» How do we know that our child is overwhelmed or stressed?
»» What are the triggers for stress? »» What do we do to help the child feel
calm? Does it work?
»» What more can we do to help the child feel calm?
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Building Emotional Resilience Consider these scenarios:
»» A four-year old’s ice-cream melts and falls on the ground. She looks shocked but instead of bursting into tears, she composes herself and calmly asks whether she can have another.
»» A 10-year-old’s playdate cancels at the last minute. He is angry and disappointed but instead of yelling he takes out a book and reads. »» A teen has received low grades in her school examination. She speaks to her parents about her disappointment and asks for help coping with the subject. The above responses seem ordinary but they signify that these children are in control of their emotions and possess the art of managing their emotions in an appropriate way.
A child who can calm herself when distressed over the loss of a toy, pet or friend is likely to have better relationships, more self-confidence and a higher chance at academic and job success as an adult.
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Children’s behaviours and emotional expressions are opportunities for parents to remain calm and look inwards at their own personal traits that could be contributing to these behaviours.
This emotional control, in other words, s emotional resilience is the ability to adapt to stressful situations and crisis. This quality helps children bounce back from challenges without becoming overwhelmed. It is necessary that our children learn how to express and manage their feelings appropriately as well as respect the feelings of others. There are benefits of teaching emotional control to children. A child who can calm herself when distressed over the loss of a toy, pet or friend is likely to have better relationships, more self-confidence and a higher chance at academic and job success as an adult. Such a child will also grow up to have better mental health – that is, less likely to experience depression, severe anxiety or any other mental illness. Though some children are resilient by birth, it is a skill that can be learnt over time at any age. They just need us adults to help them learn. We can make them develop this skill by we ourselves modelling how to deal with stressful
situations and by teaching our children specific strategies to cope with distress.
Parents as role models Our child’s good mental health begins with us. This process starts as early as infancy. At birth, infants lack self-control and often express distress through crying. Our actions, such as calming and soothing a crying baby, serve to regulate the baby’s negative emotions. We also elicit positive emotions in our baby through play and other stimulating interactions. Hence, how we behave and express our feelings in front of our child can have a long lasting impact on them. As parents, we need to find the inner strength to manage our own strong feelings when faced with challenges. When our child shows his report card, or talks about his new girlfriend, we know that he is counting on us to hear him out and also watching how we will respond to him. However, we are also human with our own personal flaws and there will be occasions when we lose our cool in front of our March - April 2021
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It is also important to model expressions of positive events. “I feel happy when my friends come home to visit me”, “I feel thankful when my friends help me out.””
children. But it can help if we pause and think about the example we are setting to our children while responding to our own difficult feelings. In her book ‘The Conscious Parent: Transforming ourselves, Empowering our children’, Dr. Shefali Tsabari states the premise that children are born to create deep internal transformation in us. According to the author, to be a conscious parent means to be mindful and aware of ourselves. Only when we look deeply within ourselves can we transform our relationship with our children. She refers to children as ‘gurus’. Their behaviours and emotional expressions are opportunities for parents to remain calm and look inwards at their own personal traits that could be contributing to these behaviours. So before becoming a role-model for our children, we need to invest time in observing ourselves and work towards bringing about a change in our inappropriate responses to stressful situations.
The following are some pointers on how we can help ourselves and our children: Be genuine in our expression of feelings It is important to tune into our feelings and not be judgemental about ourselves. This helps to own up our feelings which in turn would motivate us to work towards addressing them in a healthy way rather that elicit a knee-jerk reaction. Children can easily sense when we are faking our reactions. If we are impatient while waiting for our appointment at the doctor’s clinic, it helps to verbalize the frustration and at 10
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the same time talk about ways to manage the situation better. For example, “There is a delay, and it is frustrating. Let us play ‘I spy’ or read a book to while away the time.”). This shows children that adults also we experience negative emotions and that such emotions are normal.
Empathise It helps to show empathy and validate our children’s emotions. There are occasions when we may tend to inadvertently ‘minimize’ their feelings. This is not helpful as they may then form an impression that their feelings are not important. If our child is disappointed at not being invited to a birthday party, instead of telling them to “grow up” or “it is silly to feel like this over a trivial issue”, it helps to acknowledge their feelings. We can instead say “I too feel upset when things do not happen the way I want it to.” or “It feels hard when we don’t get to do what we want.” This would send the message to our child that we understand is the child’s feeling. In the course of time, the child with also learn to empathise with others.
Model emotional regulation Children need to learn appropriate ways of expressing their emotions. This learning can occur through their observation of adult behaviour; hence we need to model socially appropriate behaviours. If our toddler throws her breakfast bowl on the floor during a tantrum, how we react and respond to her out-of-control behaviour would shape her reactions to uncontrollable events and behaviours of others. Remaining calm and composed while cleaning up the mess would help our child to deal with frustrating situations with calmness. Selfregulation is thus a crucial life-skill for us parents.
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Anger and other difficult emotions are not bad. It is how we choose to express these emotions that matters the most.
To regulate our emotions, we need to be aware of our thoughts and reactions to situations. Introspecting on thoughts would help us to seek alternate and appropriate ways of responding. For example, while watching disturbing news on television, we often do not realise that our child is watching our anxious reactions as well as listening to our discussions around the news. This may trigger anxiety in them as their brain is still not mature enough to process the information. During moments like these, it helps to express our worries, as well as discuss ways to deal with these worries. This lets the child understand that it is okay to experience such emotions and also the importance of working through them. Modelling is not restricted to only handling of uncomfortable situations. To raise
emotionally intelligent children, it is also important to model expressions of positive events. “I feel happy when my friends come home to visit me”, “I feel thankful when my friends help me out.”
Practising time-outs ourselves Erma Bombeck, author of the bestselling books like ‘Just wait until you have children of your own’, said, ‘When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.’ There will be moments when we would find it difficult to stay calm when our child is having a tantrum. It is important to pull together and take a quick break for a minute or two. We can tell our child “Mummy/Daddy needs some time to think
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about what is best for you, so I will get back to you in a minute.” This serves two purposes, it calms the child, giving him the opportunity to learn how to handle such situations and it gives us the time to pull ourselves together and problem solve and think of ways to handle the situation without an emotional outburst. Involving your spouse in this process makes it a powerful strategy as it gives the impression to the child that parents are working together as a team to deal with challenges.
Acknowledge and validate our child’s feelings Children can be dramatic and sometimes their emotional expressions may appear irrational to us. However, we should respect our child’s feelings and never minimise it or say that is wrong to feel the way they are feeling. Statements such as “You are angry over such a silly thing”, or “Why are you crying over such a small issue?” tends to make our child feel ashamed and in the long run could lead to suppression of their emotions. Anger and other difficult emotions are not bad. It is how we choose to express these emotions that matters the most. To conclude, we need to remember that unhappy parents raise unhappy children. For leading an emotionally healthy life, we
need to nurture these four qualities: ‘Selfcare’ by pampering ourselves, ‘Seek support’ from family or friends, practice ‘Selfcompassion’ and focus on our ‘Strengths’. If, despite working on these aspects, we find it difficult to cope with the demands of parenthood, it is important to reach out to a professional to help talk about our problem areas and look for better ways to manage them.
Parents in the role of an Emotion-Coach As parents we can empathise, reassure and teach our children appropriate ways to express emotions. Here are some pointers: Help children name their emotions It is necessary to teach children to label their emotions. Help them identify their feelings by making statements such as, “It seems you are sad about not being able to visit the park”, or “Are you angry at losing the game?” It also helps build a child’s emotion vocabulary if we voice out our own feelings aloud. - “I feel angry that those boys were being mean to that dog. It must be in so much pain.” We can also talk about characters in books and television shows and ask questions like, “How do you think this person is feeling?” Apart from using words for negative emotions, it is essential to share words conveying positive feelings like ‘joyful’, ‘excited’, ‘hopeful’, ‘thankful’.
Teach emotional regulation Some strategies to help children cope with difficult emotions:
»» Deep breathing: This helps deal with any overwhelming emotion. Children can be taught to breathe in and out slowly to help them calm themselves. Let them practise this multiple times and discuss situations where this technique can be applied. For example, when something makes them angry, sad or afraid. For younger children, they can be told to imagine that they are slowly blowing out a candle or bubbles to help them calm themselves.
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»» Counting: This serves as a distraction from the negative emotion and helps our child calm down. Counting floor tiles, or numbers one to ten or counting backwards from 100 are some examples to reduce their distress. »» Problem-solving: Once the emotions have been identified, we can help our child work towards coming up with possible solutions to a problem. Some of these solutions may not be helpful while some may prove useful in dealing with the situation. Once ideas are generated, a discussion around the pros and cons of each of these ideas would help in deciding the right approach. If our child is getting bullied in school, a discussion on the various ways to handle the situation would prove fruitful. For example, talking to the teacher or parent and asking for help, walking away from the situation, be with a buddy whenever the bully is nearby or assertively telling the bully to back off. Similarly if a toddler gets mad and throws all her toys down, it helps to ask her what she can do when she gets angry next time. Together we can come up with calming activities like drawing, dancing, listening to audio stories, etc. It is important that children brainstorm and come up with solutions themselves rather than us solving everything for them. We can provide guidance where necessary but the child has to recognise that she has the ability to handle difficult situations on her own.
»» Mood boosters: We can brainstorm with children and identify activities that they like to do and which soothe and calm them. For a younger child, it could be playing with a stuffed toy, skipping or colouring while for an older child, listening to music, reading a book of jokes or talking to a friend. Whenever children are upset, it helps to remind them to practice these mood-booster activities to manage their emotions. »» Create social stories: Such stories can be
short and involve the challenging situation faced by our child. For example, sharing favourite toys, facing an exam, speaking in front of a big audience, etc. The stories can
end with the character adopting a healthy coping strategy.
»» Come up with coping statements: It helps to teach our children specific statements to be made during a stressful situation. For example, for a child who has a fear of facing an audience during a school event, it helps for him to say “It won’t be as bad as I think”, ‘It will not last long and I can cope.”
»» Ensure self-care: Self-care is essential for all age groups, more so for teenagers. Activities such as exercise (running, swimming, cycling), healthy eating, mindfulness, meditation, relaxation through music and getting adequate sleep are important to strengthen children’s internal resources to manage emotions better.
»» Reading books on emotional control: Several story books on handling emotions are available where coping strategies have been outlined. Story weaver is a free website with a collection of online stories for children, some of which help in identifying emotions and managing them.
Activities to build Emotional Resilience in children Game of Masks (3-6 year olds) We can make DIY emotion masks depicting some common emotions such as happiness, anger, sadness, fear, surprise. Toddlers can learn and name each of these emotions while wearing them. For slightly older children, various scenarios can be discussed where they can wear the feeling mask connected to the situation. Examples of situations could be: “You are out playing and a stranger approaches you. How do you feel?” or “You see a small puppy near your home, how do you feel?” Emotional Voices (7-12 year olds) Emotional expressions are not limited to facial expressions alone. Voice tones during communication are important too. This activity aims to help children understand the role of tone and volume during conversations. Children can record sentences using different voice tones related to different feelings. For example, “I do not want to come” can be said in an angry, sad or neutral tone. “Mom has made dosa today”, can be said in happy, sad, disappointed, surprised, angry or neutral tones. The Maybe Game (Teens) This game helps build empathy which is an essential skill to learn in connection to managing our emotions better. Different perspectives to a particular situation are discussed. For example, if a neighbour is heard shouting, family members can take turns guessing the reasons for the emotional outburst. “Maybe he had a bad day at work”, “Maybe he is a mean person” or “Maybe his son was mean to their dog and he is angry with him”, or even something funny like “Maybe he wants to act in a movie and is rehearsing for the role of Hulk.” March - April 2021
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Avoiding some common mistakes Sometimes as parents we inadvertently cause and maintain the emotional outbursts of our child. It is important to be aware of our reactions and behaviours that can reinforce negative emotions. It is best to avoid these:
»» Too much attention: Sometimes we may rush to soothe our child when she bursts into tears or becomes angry. This behaviour may actually make the child get upset often as a way of seeking attention from us. »» Constant interfering: If we jump in every time and fix issues for our children, this will interfere with their ability to develop skills on their own to calm themselves. We need to believe that our child can take care of himself. It helps to tell oneself that “He is going through an uncomfortable feeling which he needs to work through himself. I will be next to him and support him” or tell our child “I understand that you are upset with the situation. Take time to deal with it and when you are done you can talk about it.” »» Telling others that our child is emotional: When this happens constantly in front of our child, she may get the message that she cannot handle difficult situations. If it is an important point to be brought to the school teacher’s notice with the intention of helping our child, then we need to talk about this in private with the teacher. 14
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When to reach out for professional help? If your child has been overly emotional off late, frequently bursting into tears or has been irritable, it helps to consult a paediatrician to rule out medical issues such as ear infections. If there are no medical issues and we find our child’s emotions interfering with her every day routine, learning or relationships, it helps to consult a child and adolescent psychiatrist or a psychologist who will work with the child and us to help regulate her emotions better.
Last word Parenting is not easy and is ‘work-inprogress’. It helps to keep the bigger picture in mind during this journey. A little support and guidance from us parents would help our child manage emotions better and navigate life’s difficulties. We are not perfect, so let us not be hard on ourselves if we or our child has trouble managing emotions. What we can aim for is to keep working on regulating our emotions and providing a supportive environment at home.
- Dr. Nisha Vidyasagar
Cooking up stories together
Radhika Mimani is a freelance writer and food artist based in Chennai. She hosts dinner pop-ups and blogs her reflections at http://www.soul-spice.co.in/. Radhika conducts creative writing workshops for children.
Children and stories go together like birds and the open sky. Stories offer a place to soar uninhibited and unrestrained in their flights of imagination. As children, all of us have read and cherished those Panchatantras, Amar Chitra Kathas, Aesop’s Fables, Fairy tales, ‘Enid Blytons’, and so on. They opened a world so vibrant, fantastical and adventurous that we loved escaping to it. Now, how about equipping our children to create their own colourful, exciting and imaginative worlds? Children are great at coming up with the most fascinating, funny and clever stories. However, a little prodding, patience and guidance can make them into delightful raconteurs and writers. The art of creating, narrating and writing stories helps children to think freely and imaginatively and to communicate their thoughts and ideas in a confident, effective way. At the same time, this art is a healthy outlet for emotions. March - April 2021
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For children four to seven years old - Story Telling In this age, speaking skills are developing rapidly. This activity requires nothing other than your time on a quiet afternoon. All you do is grab your child’s favourite toys, dolls and some random things or props to begin with.
improvements and improvisations. Make sure, they hold or show the relevant character while talking about it. Making their own hand muppet or stick puppet also excites children to come up with stories. The activity goes a long way in enriching children’s imagination, emotions, language and communication skills.
Step 1: Begin by reading aloud a short story to your child to give them a sneak peek into the upcoming activity. Let them be attentive to your voice and words. It is just to get them into the flow and focus. Moreover, every child loves to be read aloud to. Step 2: Now let them choose two or three of their favourite toys or any interesting objects they find around. Next, ask them to come up with a story about their chosen toys. Give them a little time to think around their characters and build up a story, incident, or just a situation about them. Be patient and forthcoming with ideas to get them going. You will be surprised as to how just a hint of an idea gets their imagination rolling. Step 3: Ask them to give their characters names, age, magic, mystery, super power or any other trait they would like to add. Once they feel ready with their simple or complex plots, encourage them to narrate them aloud to you. It is very important that you let them falter at this stage without interrupting to correct. However, do fill in the words and sentences wherever they need your support. Step 4: After hearing them out uninterrupted, you will see them smile and giggle with a certain sense of accomplishment. A little high five boosts their confidence a notch up at this stage. Now, introduce them to voice modulation and animation. Show them how to use different voice pitches for different characters; a loud thundering voice for the bad guy, a sweet voice for a little girl or some squeaking and roaring animal sounds. Step 5: Now, let them narrate their stories again with 16
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For children seven to twelve years old - story writing Children in this age group have a better grasp of the written language. The motivation for this activity comes from a simple question. Why does reading a newspaper or an encyclopaedia or other informative books not hook us like a storybook or a novel? Because newspapers and encyclopaedias are highly informative and useful but it is a storybook that transports us to a world of imagination or beyond imagination, to a place of feelings, drama and characters. Now, how would it be for children to create such a world with their own heroes and villains, strengths and fears, planets and places…the opportunities are numerous. However, it needs a basic understanding of structure and creative writing to get them going. After that, to hone their skills, there are vast resources.
Parent-Child ActivityEdge
body. This helps to know the flow and sequence of their events and keep them in a logical order. This is also the place and opportunity to introduce creativity in their writing. Animate the characters with feelings and emotions, use adjectives and verbs liberally to make the writing engrossing. For example, “He became angry when the ink fell on his shirt” can also be written as “His face turned red as the cobalt blue ink dripped mercilessly on his crisp new shirt”. A few dramatic lines add impact to the story.
Step 1: First rule to remember is that every piece of writing always has three parts - Introduction, Body and Conclusion or End. That is how their story should be. The ‘Introduction’ should introduce the characters and setting of the story. The ‘Body’ would essentially be the plot of the story in which action happens and ‘Conclusion’ would naturally tell how the story ends and the characters fare. While, the ‘Body’ would be the longest segment, try to keep the sentences and paragraphs short. Step 2: Now begins the foremost and fun part of story writing, which is conjuring and personifying the characters. Without characters, there can be no story to take off. Help children to develop and bring their characters to life by giving them personal attributes of name, age, appearance and qualities. Step 3: Once the characters are identifiable, it is important to know the location and time-frame of their story. The city, planet, sea, mountains, desert or any imaginary location should be set with a name and features to help the writer and reader visualise the scenes of the story. The location and characters will set the tone for the entire story, so try to make them interesting. Step 4: Now comes the exciting part, where the story unfolds. A gripping story is about twists and turns and not predictable plots. It is helpful to make timeline pointers for the plot before they start writing the
Step 5: A storybook is also captivating because characters talk to each other like real people do. Dialogues are a great way to introduce conversations between characters. Help them build short dialogues within the story where characters talk colloquially and naturally to each other. Step 6: A good story is as much about the ending as its beginning. Let their stories have a lucid and clear conclusion. At their age, they do not want stories that are open ended or conclude in doubt. Let them choose how they would want to give it a finish, not necessarily always positive. Several story prompts are available online to help children get started. A few are: “A dog with magic powers”, “My brother and I found a treasure map” or “An alien lands in river Nile”. The process of story writing is not a day’s task, so let them dwell, build and improve on it but most importantly let them be creative about it. Give their imaginations a free rein to run amok. Apart from enhancing their thinking, language and communication skills, writing is a great catharsis. Children may voice their emotions, feelings and fears much more comfortably through writing than otherwise. Happy story time! - Radhika Mimani
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Quick Resources
Child-Safe Search Engines Kidrex https://www.alarms.org/kidrex/ Kidrex is a free-to-use search engine that has been designed to be appropriate and safe for your child to use. Kidrex uses a combination of Google Safe Search and its own database of keywords and websites to maintain a safe environment for children. Inappropriate searches are simply responded to with “Oops try again”. Do note that like all other websites, Kidrex does not have control of the adverts that are placed on the site. If you have any issues with the nature of advertisements, you will have to report the advertisement or contact Google customer service.
Kidtopia https://www.kidtopia.info/ Kidtopia is a search engine that was created by elementary school librarians and teachers for their students to use in school. Kidtopia maintains safe conditions for children by only allowing the searches of websites that are recommended by teachers, librarians and other educationists. As not all websites are available to search, Kidtopia is best used, with parental guidance, by children under the age of seven as they do not need too many websites to complete their schoolwork. Kidtopia’s website is not limited to just educational resources; it also has questions on general knowledge as well as educational games and puzzles that are both fun and beneficial for your child.
Kiddle https://www.kiddle.co/ Kiddle claims to provide a safe search engine for kids by filtering out explicit, exploitative websites or any other website that does not satisfy family-friendly requirements. What makes Kiddle unique is how the results are returned for each search query. The first few results are safe sites and pages that are written specifically for children. This is followed by safe, trusted sites that are not specifically aimed at children but have content that is simple and easy for a child to understand. The rest of the results are popular sites targeted at adults with advanced information that may be hard for most children to grasp. This way of ordering results allows children of all ages to easily and efficiently use Kiddle. 18
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Quick Resources
Gogooligans https://www.lures.info/childrens_search/gogooligans.html Another great teen appropriate browser is GoGooligans. For your child’s safety, the website uses Google Safe Search (along with 28 other phrases and words that are inappropriate but are not accounted for by Google) What makes GoGooligans unique is how it has been made to be used by anyone; the website works in 38 different languages, there is a version that has been made specifically for the visually impaired. Furthermore, if you want a specific website or keyword to be banned you can request for this by emailing GoGooligans customer service. The founder created this website to combat all the problems and limitations of other safe search engines available online, and it can be said that they have achieved this.
Fact Monster https://www.factmonster.com/ Fact monster is another famous search engine for children. Fact monster uses its own database to block words, phrases and websites that contain explicit or controversial material. They are also COPPA (Children’s Online Privacy Protection Act) and KidSAFE-certified. Fact monster has been operating from 1998 and their mission has been to provide a safe and reliable source of information for children online. Since the internet is filled with fiction, Fact monster has to take extra steps to be sure that the information being displayed is 100% accurate. They accomplish this by sourcing their information from organisations such as the U.S Census Bureau, the Library of Congress, UNESCO and many others.
Kidzsearch https://www.kidzsearch.com/ Kidzsearch is a search engine that has been built for the general purpose of children using the internet without being exposed to inappropriate content. Instead of just focusing on educational resources, Kidzsearch also has entertainment and social media sites that are child-friendly. You may be wonder how they claim to be child-friendly if the content is not restricted to only education; well that’s where their special filtering algorithm comes into play. Kidzsearch first takes your child’s query and refers it to the list of keywords/websites that you specifically do not want and filters accordingly. Then it cross-checks its own database of words to make sure it is safe. Lastly, it makes sure that your child’s search satisfies Google’s family friendly requirements by using Google Safe Search. These features of Kidzsearch, along with the fact that it can be customised to your own specific requirements, is the reason it is used by over a thousand private and public schools across the globe. - Jayanth Hariharan, 14 years, Kuala Lumpur.
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Everyday Parenting
DEVELOPMENTAL MILESTONES:
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Everyday Parenting
Sleeping in a room alone In many Indian families, children cosleeping with their parents is accepted. So by no means should the reader conclude that this is an essential milestone for a child to reach. Having the child sleep by himself in a room is a choice for the family to make. If you decide that your child needs to do this, then you can start a little ahead of your child’s sixth year. Specialists recommend that you: • Focus on helping your child go to sleep in his own room, rather than moving him once he has fallen asleep from your room to his.
• Remember not to let the process coincide with any momentous event in his life, like the arrival of a sibling in the family or change in school etc.
• An aspect parents need to be flexible about is the choice of group sport – it will be good if the child can try out a few sports before making a decision as to which to pursue.
Playing group sports
• It is also best to keep children from engaging in competitive group sports until they turn nine years old.
The American Academy of Paediatrics suggests that team sports are appropriate for children over the age of six, when they can communicate well and follow directions. This is more or less in line with sports coaching in India — most group sports are open to children above seven years of age.
• Provide calming music, tuck him up, wish him ‘Good Night’ cheerfully and leave the room. A nightlight may help.
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Learning to ride a bicycle Most children learn to ride a bicycle somewhere in the 6-9 years range. We are all familiar with bicycles with training wheels. But training wheels only let the child become familiar with being seated and using pedals, not balancing. Instead, try the method of removing the pedals after lowering the seat so the feet rest on the ground – the child learns to scoot and coast and thus balance. He later learns to pedal and steer. You can also try a balance bike. Do remember: • Do not force a reluctant child to learn to ride a bicycle.
• He does not wake up in the middle of his sleep.
• Learn to literally let go. “As parents we are all very protective but from personal experience I can say that the more we protect them, the more we hamper their growth,” says Amit Gupta, paediatrician.
Remember not to schedule sleepovers with families you are not very close with; your child should be comfortable turning to the adults in case of a difficult situation or sickness.
Staying over at a friend’s place involves sharing a roof with another family. It is recommended that a child turns seven before sleepovers are scheduled. By this age, the child is ready to spend the night away from his parents.
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• He is outgoing and self-sufficient and can sleep independently.
• Insist on use of a helmet and encourage elbow and knee protection pads.
Going to a sleepover
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Some signs that a child will be able to handle a sleepover:
Everyday Parenting
Staying at home alone Is your child ready for this? Experts recommend asking yourself questions such as: • ‘Does my child know what to say if someone asks if his parents are home?’ • ‘Does my child show interest and confidence in staying home alone?’ • ‘Does my child know clear boundaries – not using the gas range, not letting strangers in?” • ‘Does my child know what to do in case of an emergency and is he capable of clear-headed, calm behaviour at that time?’ Typically, children above 11 years are ready for this milestone. It is important to remember that it may not be a good idea to leave a younger sibling alone with an 11-year-old – that is piling too much responsibility on young shoulders.
Giving a mobile phone to your child It may be quite difficult in this day and age, to ward off requests for one’s own phone beyond 12-14 years! Gupta, says, “In all aspects of life there are pros and cons, and the same applies to technology as well. Because of immense peer pressure, kids ask for gadgets. Parents can give in but there should be strict rules.” • Agree upon time bands when phones are not allowed (meal times, study time). • Set down guidelines for what the phone should be used, and for what not. • Specify a ‘shut down’ time for all devices so sleep time is not affected. • State consequences if the rules are not followed.
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Everyday Parenting
Using public transport This milestone that may happen at the age of 14-16 years is something that both parents and children are likely to be nervous about. Some tips: • Let the child try the bus or train with the parent ‘shadowing’ him.
• Do not offer to teach your child yourself if you anticipate that it will cause stress and ill-feeling. It is better to use the services of a reliable and experienced instructor.
• To start with, let him try short, less complicated routes.
• Insist on safe, defensive driving within speed limits.
• Agree upon an appropriate dress code and behaviour to be adhered to while using public transport.
• Be a good role model in your own driving habits. “To set children up for long term success, good driving discipline should be inculcated right from the early days – parents themselves should also follow the rules,” says Dr. Gupta
• Guide the child about emergency procedures (what to do if his pocket is picked).
Learning to drive
What to do when... Your child wants to try something ahead of his age? Where safety or appropriateness is an issue (staying at home alone), be prepared to explain the reasons repeatedly, but be firm about your decision and stand your ground. Where precautions can be taken, allow your child to try. For example, if your four-year-old wants to try riding a bicycle, let him try, after ensuring all safety measures are in place. If a trial will convince him that it will take more time, so be it. When your younger child does not reach the milestones that her older brother did at the same age? 24
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it is up to parents to enforce the law of the land.
This is an advanced milestone reached at the age of 16 (two-wheeler vehicles without gear) to 18 (cars with shift gear) years. In India, far younger children can be seen zipping around on two-wheelers, but
Don’t worry. Your children may be siblings, but they are two completely different individuals who will blossom differently, despite their shared environment and/or genes. Your child is frustrated that all his classmates have reached a milestone, while he has not (getting his ownphone, for example)?
So there you have it, a reckoner for children’s major milestones from sleeping on one’s own to driving a vehicle. It is understandable that you look forward to these and want to make sure your child is ‘on track’. But do remember that for every milestone, the age range can be quite wide. So while enabling and doing your best to ensure that your child’s development is following the expected path, try not to be overly anxious about this.
Explain that your family may have different criteria for awarding some privileges – and elaborate why. Point out an area where your child has been allowed to exceed his age (perhaps the kind of books he reads) while his classmates have not done so.
Nutrition
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Nutrition
In our culture, cooking for the child and hand-feeding pre-schoolers (and sometimes even children till the age of eight years or so) is seen as an act of demonstrating love. We go to any lengths to feed children — playing the same cartoons repeatedly, taking the child outside to show some interesting sights; basically doing anything that will distract the child from the conscious ‘task’ of eating. Additionally, as Dr. Yamuna, a leading paediatrician and adolescent physician in Chennai points out, the fact that parenting is becoming increasingly child-centric has actually led us to focus on the child’s likes and dislikes when it comes to food, rather than on nutrition or healthy eating!
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Nutrition
Dr. Mythili Rangan, a paediatrician practising in the United States with over three decades of experience, shares her point of view on what could possibly lead to more fussy eating habits in Indian children. “In India, the influence of grandparents on children’s eating habits is high. Grandparents are more likely to give in to unreasonable demands establishing poor feeding habits early on in life. Also, some Indian families snack a lot; offering the child snacks at unscheduled meal times and carrying snacks for the child even for short trips, kills appetite for the actual meal! In many Indian households the practice of cooking something for the child if she does not eat the regular meal is widely prevalent and this can perpetuate poor eating habits.”
What makes children fussy eaters?
Denying independence
Not allowing the child to eat independently when she starts showing some interest in doing so can sometimes lead to children not knowing ‘how much is enough’ for them.
Being labelled
Fussy eating, in most cases, is just a phase during toddlerhood. Labelling children or making statements about their eating habits in front of them (“my son takes so much time to eat; he does not eat any vegetable; he hates fruits”) re-emphasises the behaviour.
Over-anxiety
Some mothers can be unduly concerned if their child has not eaten one meal properly or perhaps during the course of the day, and give in to her demands too quickly.
Guilt and lack of time
Food (especially treats) is seen as an easy way to keep the child happy and assuage the guilt that parents who are unable to spend time with children feel.
Constantly forcing a child to eat
This could lead to complete aversion to mealtimes and the child may not even want to eat when hungry!
Junk food at home
The problem with stocking junk food at home is that the child knows she can get a snack if she does not eat properly at meal times.
No role model to emulate
Poor eating habits of family members, and irregular family meal times, give the child the impression that ‘eating like this is acceptable’.
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Nutrition
In a study done by Abbott Nutrition in Bangalore, more than 80% of Indian mothers consider their toddlers to be fussy compared to 57% in other countries — this should definitely ring a warning bell for mothers on how they approach their children’s feeding and eating habits!
Research indicates that fussy eaters are more often created, not born. So how do we develop healthy eating habits and curtail fussy eating? The tips below can help you get started, and with consistency and effort, your child may soon show improvement.
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Identify what leads to picky eating. Is your child fussy when her grandparents are around? Is she fussy on all days, all meals or can you see a pattern? Once you identify the problem, also discuss it with all the caregivers so everyone is on the same page. “This is important,” says Geetha Senthil, mother of a four-year-old, who feels “my daughter could have been a more ‘happy eater’ if I had discussed the problem with the family and elicited their cooperation.”
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Ensure your child is hungry for the meal you offer her. This means no unnecessary snacking in between meals. And a reasonable amount of physical activity is a must to work up an appetite!
family is eating. Think of some healthy back-up options like cut fruit, a glass of milk, or a bowl of curds instead. However, do not offer to cook something different for her. In time, she will realise that what the rest of the family is eating is more interesting than a glass of milk!
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Allow your child to choose from healthy options — “would you like to eat egg or cheese toast for breakfast rather than idli?” — so she feels that her opinions are respected as well.
Never distract the child from the task of eating by turning on the television or taking her away from the table; when she grows up, she will find it difficult to understand her body’s requirements.
Offer variety and eat as a family, so your child observes others eating a variety of foods.
Respect your child’s appetite; when she says enough, stop; she understands her body better than you do. Also don’t confuse small appetites for fussy eating. Some children are naturally small eaters. As long as she is eating a balanced diet with something from each of the food groups, and she is healthy, accept that she can get by with less food than you think is necessary.
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The food you keep at home should be predominantly what you want them to eat; so no junk. It is easier to say “no chips at home” than to say “you cannot eat chips now.”
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Be persistent and do not give up on new foods after just a few attempts. Some children need to try a new food multiple times. You may have to revisit the food six months to even a whole year later. Pair new foods with well accepted foods and the chances of her eating the new food may increase dramatically.
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Do not force your child if she repeatedly refuses to eat what your
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Be creative in your cooking and ask children to help you. Even young children can help with making dough, cutting some salad, mixing raita, adding spices, or setting the table. Make eating together a fun ritual!
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Do not offer chocolates or junk food as rewards for good eating, as this can become a habit. You can instead use a calendar system to monitor
healthy eating for young children, and for older children, explain consequences of unhealthy eating.
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If children in primary or middle school still lack variety in their diet, agree on a new food to be introduced within a reasonable time frame. For example, “shall we try eating pomegranate or guava in the next three months?”
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Be consistent in your approach; if you give in to your child’s demands on weekdays when you don’t have time, then don’t expect her to eat healthy on weekends either. Adapt your routine but stick to some basic rules and mealtimes.
Nutrition
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Offer child-size portions; sometimes we serve our children huge portions and then worry that they are not finishing their food!
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If your child skips a meal or does not eat well for a couple of days, do not panic and start catering to her demands. After sometime, the child’s hunger pangs will kick in and she will begin eating her usual quantity again.
Picky tweens and teens!
Good to Know
Picky eating does not usually last beyond primary school years but sometimes tweens and teens can be picky eaters as well! With this age group, food can be a way of ascertaining their independence. So try not to be too emotional and see how you can work around it.
Selective Eating Disorder (SED) is different from fussy or picky eating. Picky eating is usually a phase that can be addressed and is part of normal childhood development. SED is when the child rejects complete food groups, is very reluctant to try new foods, has fears and is anxious about eating, especially outside home, and is willing to starve rather than eat unfamiliar foods. SED is usually present with medical conditions like autism, OCD, swallowing disorders or other gastrointestinal conditions. It is important to identify SED and seek professional help.
Here are some tips: • Agree on a menu plan with your teen so expectations are set and met! • Keep track of the latest food trends and see if you can offer a healthier variant — a healthy filling for a Frankie, homemade sauce for pizza, chilled dips for salads, soups with exotic names, traditional dishes with a twist — like Chinese vegetables filling in a dosa. • Invite your teen’s friends over periodically so you understand their eating habits and can use positive peer pressure on your child. • Encourage your teen to cook and watch cookery shows with her. • Understand about eating disorders, whose numbers are increasing in our country.
Nutrition worries of fussy eaters Unless your child is avoiding complete food groups — not eating any dairy or any fruits or vegetables — you need not be unduly worried. But if you are really concerned about whether your child is eating enough, you could consult a paediatrician or a nutritionist. For a week prior to the appointment, maintain a food diary for your child; this may help you ascertain whether she is a fussy eater or whether she just eats less, and evaluate the quality of her meals. This will also help the nutritionist to get the right picture. When it comes to fussy eating, the key is to understand and address it. There is no quick-fix, one-size-fits-all solution. Be patient and consistent in your approach — eating habits don’t change overnight. Make simple adjustments and stay positive, and you are bound to see a change in behaviour soon!
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Making Sense of Adolescence
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Making Sense of Adolescence
Is the Internet really the saviour? When I interact with youth, they express that the Internet helps them maintain relationships with their peers (as schools are shut, they are not able to meet their friends physically). Also, they claim that going on the Internet helps them in understanding of concepts, better than what they get from books. They feel that the Internet also helps them to be updated about latest technology. But it is impossible to ignore that there are many youngsters who suffer from physical disorders and intrapsychic conflict (an emotional or mental disturbance because of opposing thoughts, desires, or tendencies)
due to excessive usage of gadgets and the Internet. In many cases, we see addiction to the Internet.
Internet addiction and how to deal with it We know that people become addicted to substances/chemicals such as nicotine, alcohol, prescription and illegal drugs. A question that is frequently asked to me is: “Is a non-substance addiction such as gaming addiction an addiction at all? And my response is always, “Yes, behavioural addictions can be just as serious as substance addictions.”
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Making Sense of Adolescence
Excessive Internet use has not been recognised as a disorder by the World Health Organisation or the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5). However, the related diagnosis of gaming disorder has been included in the International Classification of Diseases (ICD-11). As a mental health professional, I see an increasing proportion of teenagers with problems related to internet addiction. Gaming addiction is seen in about a quarter of the children whom I encounter. Internet addiction disorder (IAD), also known as problematic internet use or pathological internet use, is defined as problematic, compulsive use of the internet, that results in significant impairment in an individual’s function in various life domains over a prolonged period of time. Excessive use of the internet can also feed various addictions such as addiction to pornography, gaming and gambling.
Physical Disorders Anything in excess is dangerous and alarming. Many teenagers have formed habits of over watching (exposure to gadgets) and over eating, leading to both mental and physical health risks. With no long hours in commute and at school
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and no extra-curricular activities, teens have more time to spend on leisure; binge watching (watching streaming platform shows for hours on end) accompanied by binge eating (consuming unusually large amounts of food in one sitting) is common. Recently, statistics published by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-V) suggest prevalence of binge eating disorder in three percent of population aged 20 years. Causes are multi-factorial and include biological, psychological, intrapersonal, and environmental influences. One important influence is exposure to gaming (predominantly with male teens) and social media (more common in female teens). Body image issues are also related to excessive Internet usage. For example, an analysis of the leading, video-sharing social media site found that one-third of anorexia-related videos could be classified as “pro-anorexia,” and these videos were more likely to receive higher viewer ratings than informative videos, such as those highlighting the health consequences of eating disorders. Similarly, studies of another social media platform have found that maladaptive use, such as comparing one’s self to others, is associated with eating disorders and dissatisfaction with one’s appearance in college-going women.
With no long hours in commute and at school and with no extracurricular activities, teens have more time to spend on leisure; binge watching accompanied by binge eating is common. Psychological disorders Excessive use of the Internet interferes with other aspects of daily life, disrupts regular routines and disturbs interpersonal relationships. It is an undeniable fact that social media affects users’ psychological status in multiple ways. There can be changes observed when teenagers use instant messaging as a substitute for face-to-face conversation with friends. Socialising, creative ability, showcasing of talents and receiving appreciation, motivation from others all reduce; this is of concern as all of these are very important for the improvement of the teen’s morale. Also the ambiguity of social network profiles allows adolescents to create an identity and find social acceptability without having to directly face scrutiny.
“FOMO” which is “fear of missing out” can cause significant stress. It is a feeling or perception that others are having more fun, living better lives, or experiencing better things than one is.
Making Sense of Adolescence
The pattern of one-to-many communication that allows users to share information about their lives, including social activities and photographs, poses safety risks. Beyond risks, frequent use of social media, messaging, or gaming platform results in: - Cultural and behavioural changes - Comparison and Llow self-esteem - Negative relationships - Social isolation and ostracism - Depression - Fear of missing out (FOMO) - Sleep deprivation - Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Of these, in teenagers, “FOMO” which is “fear of missing out” can cause significant stress. It is a feeling or perception that others are having more fun, living better lives, or experiencing better things than one is. It involves a deep sense of envy and affects an individual’s self-esteem. This is predominantly caused by social media. For example, if a teen posts a photo, the minimum expectation will be to receive likes, shares or comments. There are two possibilities: the post may get the expected response, and the teen may post more and more for people to react and hence enjoy the encouragement received. Or the child may potentially get affected if there are no responses to the post, especially from the people who matter to them. This leads to anxiety which in turn will make them lose focus in their daily routine and continue looking for appreciation.
Frequent or excessive use of social media is linked to symptoms of attention deficit and hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) among adolescents. Several research studies across the globe have shown that heavy social media use causes ADHD. Those who develop this disorder will have a hard time focussing – unable to let their mind be absorbed completely by a task, or their minds may wander easily because of minor distractions. An editorial by University of Michigan paediatrician Jenny Radesky has some good advice. “Prioritise activities that promote adolescent executive functioning and well-being, including sleep, physical activity, distraction-free homework, and positive interactions with family and friends”.
Role of parents In other words, we should all be paying more attention. When it comes down to it, parental monitoring is not about compromise on the teen’s privacy, it is about safety. Parents must take the issue seriously and agree on common goals. Having conversations with the teenager in a constructive and positive manner, will help them understand the issue in a logical way, rather than just issuing a “STOP“ sign. The latter will lead to counter reactions from them. There are chances that the teenager may become emotional and try to win you over to his/her stance of unlimited internet usage. Acknowledge your child’s feelings but stay focused on harmful effects of excessive internet use. Show
Having conversations with the teenager in a constructive and positive manner, will help them understand the issue in a logical way, rather than just issuing a “STOP“ sign.
that you care. It will help to begin your discussion by reminding your teenager that you love them and that you care about their happiness and well-being. Children and teens often interpret discussions about their behaviour as blame and criticism. You need to reassure your teenager that you are not condemning them. Put them on an honour system to keep track of internet usage by themselves. Discuss other activities such as reading books, creative ones such as art, so that they have alternatives to turn to. Beyond all, spend quality time with teenagers, ensure that you have good interactions with them. Understand what they expect out of your presence, rather than just being physically present with them. Good Luck!
- Dr. K. Janakiraman
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Book Reviews
Books for Children 3-5 years Book: Better Alphabets Author: Aakash Shrivastava Publisher: Better Books This is an innovative and eco-friendly book for tender learners. Implied in its name – ‘Better Alphabets’ – this book aims to give a better experience to pre-schoolers in their first step of learning, by giving insights into the world of their future in a creative and colourful way. This book is a 21st century update of the ABCs for the new generation. It makes the learning process entertaining and fun-filled. The book teaches letters of the alphabet in a unique way using pictorial representations, and also features some fun facts. A vital and essential book for children that shows that thinking out of the box can be fun and enjoyable.
6-9 years Book: Friend behind walls Author: Harshikaa Udasi Publisher: Puffin Books This book depicts the struggle of two, smart, young kids to make Shanthi Colony ‘shanti-ful’ again so that they can play in peace with each other. The two, courageous kids get busy on their mission with undeterred minds and pure hearts, questioning what is wrong 34
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and approving what seems right. The author has sculpted the story in a brilliant way; it finds its way deep into the reader’s heart. It is also a book for relaxation; the author’s style in narrating the story is fun filled. Both children and adults will enjoy this book. While children can relate to the characters in the story, adults can experience what the author calls ‘Memories’ Magic’. This is a very short read and the vocabulary used is basic and easy to grasp. In places where difficult words are used, the author has explained them in a humorous way.
10-12 years Book: Superfoods for superheroes Author: Namita Moolani Mehra Publisher: Harper Collins Getting kids to eat fruits and vegetables is easier with this book. It features ten, short incidents in the life of a small boy Shivum who discovers the surprising superpowers of various foods. Each illustrated story is followed by facts about the powerpacked superfood and the ingredients and instructions for making a kidapproved treat using the superfood. This enchanting book turned out to be an eye-opener for me, to the miraculous powers of superfoods.
Book Reviews
13-15 years Book: Ogd Author: Anushka Ravishankar Publisher: Duckbill Books The author has several international award-winning books to her name. This book has a blend of philosophy, education, travel, science, poetry and mathematics. It is a profoundly nonsensical narrative about a Messiah, who sets out to discover truths. But her journey leads her to discover many lies. The book attempts to address complex issues of the modern day world through a deep ‘meaninglessness’. It is a book that should be investigated by inquisitive minds.
16+ years Book: Guts Author: Raina Telgemeier Publisher: Scholastic This graphic novel, has been acknowledged as the companion to the number one New York Times Best Seller ‘Smile’ and has won the heart of many critics. It dramatizes the true story of Raina who passes through her adolescence with a lot of uneasiness and fears. It portrays the struggles she faced overcoming them. Raina feels uneasy at school because of small fears and insecurities. She gets nervous often. Raina’s struggles grow worse and when her mother understands that Raina faces
difficulty in doing her daily tasks, she is sent to a therapist and is taught various techniques for calming herself down. This novel establishes that no adolescent is alone in the struggle of growing up, and that every individual has the ability to face and conquer one’s fears. A must read for all adolescents.
Non fiction for teenagers Book: Goal! Shot! Run! Author: Mistunee Chowdhury Publisher: Harper Collins This is a collection of simple and illustrated biographies of sports people from around the globe. From cricket to golf, tennis to hockey, chess to boxing – all sports are covered. This book is for lovers of sports to learn more about their favourite sports personalities and also to discover new, stunning and impressive ones. This book provides data about sports persons - birthdate, place of birth, nationality, country they play for, first major game, the awards and medals won, zodiac signs, the records they set and so on. These facts are accompanied by colourful and lively illustrations. Each short biography also includes amusing trivia and a full page attractive portrait.
- Vaijayanthi Hariharan, 21 years, Nagercoil
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Lifeskills through Stories
Ranjini had some bad news for her husband when he reached home. Abhishek Saxena’s Aunt, Arati, had passed away around noon, in her sleep. He wept like a little child. Arati, as a child, was ebullient and zestful; climbing trees, playing pranks, whistling aloud, often jumping in glee. She did well academically, both in school and college, and was aspiring to pursue a Ph.D. and become a scientist. But her marriage to Abhishek’s uncle, Shankar Saxena, had ended all that. Shankar Saxena was tall and handsome. He laughed aloud and always wished to be the centre of attraction in a group. He held a good job and thwarted Arati’s interest in pursuing a career. When Arati stole the show with her wit in good company, Shankar outwardly laughed but was inwardly resentful. Later, he would pick on her
housewifely duties and fly into a rage when there was a delay in putting food on the table at the set time or, when it was not cooked the way he wished it to be. Shankar valued orderliness – including smoking ten cigarettes a day, each at precisely the same specified time - while Arati was funloving and care-free. Shankar had grown up in a small town with traditional values – women laughing out loud, particularly in the presence of men, was not tolerated. When Arati laughed aloud, Shankar would get irritated and a row would ensue after their friends departed. These rows ended with Arati sobbing and Shankar drowning his fury in a drink. Over the years, Arati adjusted by giving in to his whims and fancies; all in the interest of peace. When there was a disagreement, she did not raise her voice fearing her husband’s rage going out of control and children being exposed to violence. In public, Saxena was so demonstrative of his tenderness to Arati, that the outside world saw the duo as a welladjusted couple. As it often happens in such families, their little children, Surendar and Sulekha, were growing up to admire and respect their authoritarian father with little regard for their submissive mother. Arati’s suggestion that they see a counsellor as a couple was met with a
Even though one lived all his life in misery, all the misery comes to naught, if his last days were joyful and he passed away experiencing peace.
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Lifeskills through Stories rude, ‘So you think that I am a psycho case. Just shut up. I know whom to see and whom not to see!’ Arati had no say, in any matter. She was no longer seen as the bubbly person that she once was. She felt like a prisoner, chained by the bonds of marriage and her dreams shattered. This thought, prompted her to examine the lives of prisoners, especially the ones who despite being in prison found meaning and purpose in living, and succeeded in life. She soon enrolled as a member of the British Council Library; no Wikipedia or Kindle in the 1960s. Shankar did not object to this. He read quite a bit – newspapers, magazines, novels. One book that impacted Arati was, Man’s Search for Meaning by Victor Frankl. He was an Austrian psychiatrist. As a Jew, he was imprisoned in the death camps of Nazi Germany. He was tortured and suffered innumerable indignities. In the camp, he lived in constant fear of being sent to the gas chambers any day. When released from the camp he discovered that all his family members, except his sister, had died in concentration camps; his wife in Bergen Belsen, his father in Theresienstadt Ghetto, and his mother and brother in Auschwitz. Despite his setbacks, Frankl died as a well accomplished psychiatrist; a recipient of several awards. Arati spent much time contemplating the meaning and purpose of life. She gained a few insights. She felt that how one died is what matters and not how one lived. Even though one lived all his life in misery, all the misery comes to naught, if his last days were joyful and he passed away experiencing peace. On the other hand, consider someone who lived all his life pleasurably, but all the pleasure relished will have no meaning, if his last days were filled with grief, sorrow and anguish. She considered this situation as being similar to one relishing a large serving of rice pudding garnished with raisins. However after slurping in the last spoon, discovering that the squashy morsel that he chewed into was actually a dead fly and not a raisin. She found this analogy funny and almost chuckled. She was in agreement with Frankl when he emphasises that we detect rather than invent our missions in life. Arati wished to detect her mission. She spent weeks on end – often staring into emptiness till her husband’s rebuke shook her out of her reverie – searching for her personal mission. After much soul searching - and writing and rewriting on loose paper - she wrote her mission statement in her diary and signed it. 38
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My Personal Mission
I am today a miserable wretch, but I don’t wish to die as one. I wish to die in peace with joy in my heart. This can happen when I know that I have played a role to leave behind a more beautiful world than the one I was born into. The bonds of marriage I am imprisoned in, is not in any way as severe as the concentration camp Frankl was in; not as severe as the one Jawaharlal Nehru was in. Yet Nehru-ji wrote a voluminous book, The Discovery of India during his four years of solitary confinement - a book he would never have found the time to write after he became the prime minister of the country a couple of years later. So let me focus on what I can do. As a child I recall enjoying drawing, colouring and painting. I was even good at it. Let me rekindle this talent. Part of my mission is to paint, and paint sufficiently well for some of these to find their way into a museum. This will bring joy into my heart. I love Surendar and Sulekha. Nothing will please me more than to see that they grow up espousing noble, human values of love – love for fellow beings, peace, joy, justice and fairness. My mission therefore is to see that my children grow up with their inherently divine nature intact, free of any scars; scars in their personality due to parental discord. I realise that my mission concerning our children cannot be accomplished without mature love and shared values between me and Shankar as parents. Thus my mission is to love Shankar, unconditionally. This has been the most challenging part of my mission statement.* How do I love my husband? Let me so love Shankar that I yearn to be near him constantly, hang on to every word that he says, take delight in seeing his hairy arms move briskly as he polishes his shoes, compliment his orderliness and see the ensuing smile on his lips, tease him and laugh with him with our children following suit, feel proud of being Shankar’s wife – in short, feel the way I felt about him when we were newly wedded. Love, I realise is a verb, something that one does – not just an abstract noun that one feels. Nothing else is important to me. If I set any goal, it will only be to serve one or more of the three parts to my mission. Arati Saxena July 01, 1964 PS
It’s a mystery. Having just written down my mission to love Shankar, I already feel my love for him surfacing from within deep down. While I had tears drip when I started to write, I now smile. *I contemplated for weeks on an alternate mission - to be seen as a courageous woman who stood for her rights and refused to take nonsense from an inconsiderate husband and thus be a role-model to other exploited women. I gave up this idea when I realised that getting what is ‘rightly due to me’ is less important than getting what I ‘wish to be’.
Lifeskills through Stories
The moment Arati had recorded her personal mission and read through it, something changed. She felt light. She saw the bright future, not the present misery. It was not just hope. It was joy from knowing that she was going to make all what she wishes for deep in her heart, to happen. She was not only the architect who had made the plans but also the engineer who was going to construct! When Shankar returned from work, he was irritated with her sprightliness. He complained that there was not enough sugar in the tea and pushed the tea aside. In the process, some tea spilled on the floor. He blamed her for the spilling - if she had not made a mistake with the sugar, nothing would have spilled. Arati’s response was amazing. On such occasions, prior to her writing out her mission statement, Arati would feel angry and irritated, though these feelings remained unexpressed and undisclosed. Now she did not feel anger, irritation, self-pity or apathy. But, she felt sad, sad that someone you love and respect has behaved dishonourably. When she was in college, her younger brother had stolen her pocket money to buy cigarettes. When she discovered this, she felt sad, compassion for the errant teenager, but not anger. Her emotional response to Shankar now was similar and wished to calm him, like how one would, a crying child after a fall. She discovered a very important truth – when a person whom we truly love offends us we feel sad, not angry; love is not ill mannered or irritable. She wiped his hairy hand with a wet towel and with genuine concern said, ‘I hope the tea didn’t scald you dear.’ He discarded the question with a frown and a shake of his
head. ‘I have a strong husband,’ responded Arati, proudly, as she went about mopping the floor and added, ‘Give me a few minutes please, I’ll give you your sweet, hot tea.’ She looked up and smiled. She even discerned a smile escaping his face. ‘He looks so handsome, especially when he smiles,’ thought Arati, ‘I must get him to smile more often.’ Gradually their quarrels were fewer, far between and less severe. They had their evening tea together quite often, on their veranda and watched the birds. One hot evening as they were sipping tea, there was rain. ‘I love this earthy scent,’ said Shankar, breathing the air deeply in. She had read that this scent had been given a name, recently – Petrichor. She restrained her urge to give him this piece of information. Instead, she wished to savour the moment with him and said ‘I do too,’ and moved closer to the edge to whiff-in the aroma. Someone passed by. Arati remarked, ‘He would wonder what these two sniffer dogs are up to.’ Both burst out laughing. Surendar and Sulekha who were playing inside, ran into the veranda. Seeing their parents laugh together was a new experience. They felt good to see them laugh. As the months rolled by, senior Saxena proved to be an adorable husband. He took much interest in the all-round development of their children, a passion the couple shared. Their children grew up to be eminent. Sulekha was a leading surgeon in Canada and had spent every one of her vacations – withoutCONSCIENCE exception for twenty years in a row - carrying out surgeries in one of the underdeveloped countries Ethiopia, South Sudan, Guyana and so on.
Surendar was a professor in a leading US university. Arati took to painting like a duck takes to water. Shankar encouraged her. On her eightieth birthday, the Chitrkala Parishath organised an exhibition of her paintings on a theme: ‘Shooting from behind bars’. There were paintings of Henry Thoreau whose single day spent in prison had catapulted him from the world seeing him as an eccentric loner into a philosopher who
She discovered a very important truth – when a person whom we truly love offends us we feel sad, not angry.
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Lifeskills through Stories
Epilogue:
influenced other leaders with his thoughts on Civil Disobedience; Anwar Sadat meditating in Cell 54 of Cairo Central Prison where he realised the power of love-force, leading him to receive the Nobel Peace Prize in 1978; Mahatma Gandhi, Jawaharlal Nehru and so many others. Seven years later Surendar Saxena was featured in the cover of Time magazine for publishing a best seller, A Peek into Business Ethics through the Eyes of Behavioural Economics. The following week Surendar spoke at length to Arati and thanked for the role she had played in his developing a deep interest in Ethics as a subject. The same night Arati passed away in her sleep – with the peace and joy of having accomplished her mission in life, a mission she had put down in her diary. A memorial meeting was held that weekend. There were neighbours, friends, relatives and several new faces, unknown to friends and relatives. Some from an art school spoke; some on her painting style, some on the themes that she chose, many saw her as an inspiration. There were some from an NGO that she was keenly associated with, an NGO whose prime aim is to interact with inmates of prisons. A former prisoner took the mike to speak, but was unable to, as he only choked. After several attempts he left without saying a single word, but the incessant stream of tears that flowed told it all.
Dr. J during his session on Stephen Covey’s Habit Number Two said, ‘This habit of highly effective people, Begin with the end in mind, is simple to understand. Start by imagining you being cremated.’ People were shocked and wondered whether he was serious. ‘I’m only asking you to do what Covey recommends that you do in order to imbibe this habit. Now, imagine what different people - a family member, a friend, a colleague, a neighbour and an associate from your interest group - would talk about you in a memorial meeting held after your cremation. Call this Part A of Exercise One’ He allowed fifteen minutes of silence for the participants to do this exercise. ‘Next, Part B of the exercise, Imagine what you would like different people to say about you in the memorial meeting.’ He gave more instructions and dispersed the participants to find themselves a place where they would be undisturbed for the next half an hour. When the participants returned, Dr. J. informed about the next exercise. ‘This exercise is to write a personal mission statement keeping the end clearly in mind. We will not attempt to do this exercise today as it demands several weeks of meditative contemplation. This done, any goals you set in the future would be only those that help accomplish your mission. Further you make certain that on any particular day, you do not do not violate the criteria you have set in your mission. Habit Number Two, in other words, is to live your mission written out with your end in mind. Towards the end of the session Abishek shared the story of his Aunt Arati and read from his phone the mission statement she had written; he had taken a photograph of the diary page. ‘Excellent example,’ said Dr. J. and added, ‘Stephen Covey talks a lot about Frankl in his book as well. But one need not go to a concentration camp, to begin with the end in mind.’ (To be continued)
- Dr. Jeyakar Vedamanickam
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