Three Tips for Protecting Children and Teens from Serious Harm

from PARENTCOACH MAGAZINE - Spring 2023

WHAT I LEARNED ABOUT WHY KIDS CHEAT: A PARENT'S PERSPECTIVE

By Kate Garzón, M.Ed. Guided Parenting Support - GPS®, LLC

One of the things I hear most often from parents is "I want my kids to be healthy, and I want them to be safe." The list of things that parents worry about is long and terrifying, and when those long-term worries are combined with the day-to-day details of keeping children and teens fed, clean, laundered, chauffeured, entertained, homework finished, and the household generally running, it's very easy to get so swept up in the "how" of parenting that we lose the "why."

The "why," of course, is because humans are hardwired for attachment, connection, and the evolutionary drive to carry on the species. We’re wired for relationships. We now have plenty of data that tells us that at least one supportive, trusting, consistent relationship with a caring and reliable adult is the most important protective factor against all of the really scary stuff that parents worry about. That's it. ONE really strong relationship with a reliable and supportive adult

However, in order to be that adult protective factor, children and teens need to see you as their safe place. They need to trust you as someone who has kept their word, who has consistently held firm boundaries in a loving way, and who is capable of knowing how to help them problemsolve no matter how deep they've dug a hole, and no matter how overwhelmed and scared they feel.

These relationships don't happen overnight, they require continuous investment on the part of the adult, and they erode more quickly than we realize unless we actively strive to be someone that children and teens want to spend time with. So, how do we ensure that children and teens want to spend time with us?

Here are three quick tips for improving and growing safe, supportive, trusting, loving relationships between parents and kids/teens:

"Find the Fun"

When you're in the middle of the chaos of raising children and teens, it can be really easy to lose the fun. However, if you think about the people that you choose to spend your limited and valuable free time with, it's usually people with whom you have fun. Favorite co-workers? The ones you can laugh with. Favorite childhood family member? Your hilarious aunt who made life seem like a game. If you want to strengthen your relationships with your children, finding the fun is a great first step! It doesn’t have to be grand gestures or expensive events; simply look for the small ways to infuse more laughter and joy into everyday activities.

"Notice Your Interactions"

When kiddos are teeny, almost everything they do elicits delight from the adults around them. We applaud their smiles, their coos, the first time their spoon actually finds their mouth, their first steps, the funny and silly and clever things they do As they get older, though, we focus more on their grades, manners, and the state of their room and those delighted interactions become fewer and farther between. Before long, much of what adults say to children and teens comes in the form of an instruction, a reminder, or "feedback" that feels a lot like criticism. Try observing the things you say to your kids and teens for a day, and notice how much of it is positive, loving, encouraging, silly, and joyful or…not so much

If the scales are weighing heavily in favor of neutral or negative, actively look for ways that you can cut back on the criticism and increase the kindness in your interactions.

"Drop the Rope"

While correction and redirection are inevitable parts of the parent-child relationship, when we focus more attention on correcting than we do on connecting, it can easily turn life into a tug-of-war over every little issue. When the adult drops the rope, it simply isn't a tug-of-war anymore. Ask yourself, what can you let go of because it just doesn't matter in the long term? And when you can't "let go" because it's a safety, hygiene, respect, or other vitally important issue, how can you use affection, playfulness, laughter, and connection to disrupt their expectations in a positive way to redirect the behavior, rather than issuing a command or a consequence? You'll be surprised at how much easier it is to get cooperation, and how much better you'll feel about the interactions.

These three tips for building relationships are also three tips for protecting your children and teens from serious harm over their lifetimes, because your loving, safe, trusting, reliable, supportive and fun relationship with them IS their best protective factor. So go out and have some fun!

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