MY BIGGEST PARENTING MISTAKE YET

Ashley Ladouceur, The Candidly Connected Coach

Before I had kids let me tell you…

I was the most perfect parent. I was patient, calm, mindful and so much freaking fun!

Going into being a parent I thought I had it in the bag. I knew everything there was to know about behaviours and thought there was nothing my kids would throw at me I wouldn't be able to handle.

Then I had kids… and well I was dead wrong.

I was impatient, irritable, stern, and actually a bit (OK a lot) of a control freak. I was seeing behaviours in my kids I never thought MY kids would have. They threw BIG, aggressive tantrums, they spoke with such “disrespect”, and they NEVER listened to me.

This wasn’t working.

So I threw myself into more education, wanting something or someone to tell me how to fix these problems, their problems. Someone to tell me what strategy I can put in place to “make” my kids behave, and believe me I tried them all. For those of you that have been around a while, I even coached on these strategies.

And this was my BIGGEST parenting mistake yet.

As humans, we make 80% of our decisions based on our emotions, not our head. This is a problem because as a society we value the head and no one (at least not many) is used to paying any attention to what is going on in our heart and body For me this was the big AHA I had been looking for

It makes total sense why any strategy I would try worked once or twice (when I could remember to use it) and then would flop. I wasn’t showing up in the “behaviours” with my head, none of us are. I was showing up with my full heart, and let me tell you I had no idea what it was telling me.

Let me give you an example.

Let’s say you asked your child to clean their room and they immediately lash out at you. “This sucks. You’re so mean. I’m never cleaning my room.” You probably already know that there are tricks and games you can play to get them to comply but instead you immediately threaten “Well if you don’t clean your room, I’m throwing out all of your toys!” (This sounds too familiar) You acted from your heart (anger, frustration) and not your head (strategies and tricks).

So how do we fix this disconnect?

How do we learn to hear our heart and body so that we CAN access all that great information in our head?

This is the Parent-Centric work of coaching, and believe me it’s work, but it is crucial in being able to show up for our kids again and again in hard, triggering, frustrating as h*ll situations. Because it's not about fixing our kids' behaviour, or making them listen, or going to bed, or eating their dinner. It’s about showing up in every situation with safety and confidence no matter what.

The first step I tell parents is to start practising ACTUALLY being in your feelings I know UGH! It feels uncomfortable and I get it Ask yourself why it feels uncomfortable. Is it because you were never encouraged to feel and show emotions before?

Is it because it just feels too painful? You are not alone. Feelings are hard.

And this is our WHY. We don’t want kids who repeat this cycle. Kids who are afraid or uncomfortable to listen to their emotions so they boil over like us. We want better for them. We want them to be able to speak their feelings and needs without fear. We want to break the cycle!

Time to practise.

Stop for just a minute and breathe. A deep breath IN and OUT.

Name 3 to 5 feelings in your body at this very moment. Where are you feeling them? (Chest, neck, stomach, etc.)

Breathe IN and OUT. Sit here for just a minute.

What are you needing? (Space, cooperation, love, etc.)

That’s it You did it You just allowed yourself the space to feel This practice is how we move through our feelings without having them creep up on us. When we get really good at this it becomes second nature and we will actually catch those feelings and understand them before they even have a chance to take over NAME it to TAME it.

Do this practise several times a day - in the triggers and in the joys.

If you are struggling to understand how this applies to your parenting and are looking for more support, I guide parents on this exact journey, helping them to stop showing up with the chaos and consequences and move to connection and collaboration.