4 minute read
Sex-Starved Marriage
Sex-Starved Marriage
By: Michele Weiner-Davis, Author of Sex-Starved Marriage
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D I D Y O U K N O W
Do you and your spouse have a sexual desire gap?If so, you're not alone. Did you know that 1 in 3couples struggles with this sexual dilemma?
But just because you aren't alone, it doesn't mean you should be complacent about a ho-hum sexual relationship. You shouldn't. It can lead to a miserably angry spouse, infidelity and divorce.
And although solutions to this sexual divide abound in magazines, self-help books and other pop psychology outlets, there is a little talked about fact underlying the problems associated with this sexual void.
The No's have veto power
Here's the deal. The spouse with lower sexual drive controls the frequency of sex—if she or he doesn't want it, it generally doesn't happen. This is not due to mean-spiritedness, maliciousness or manipulativeness, it just seems unimaginable to be sexual if one is not in the mood.
Furthermore, there is an unspoken and often unconscious expectation that the higher desire spouse must accept the no-sex verdict, not complain about it, and remain monogamous. After decades of working with couples, I can attest that this tacit agreement is unfair and unworkable.
This is not to say that infidelity is a viable solution to disparate sexual interests. It isn't. As with all relationship conflicts, being willing to find middle ground is the best way to insure love's longevity.
But what's a so-called "low desire spouse"to do?
Believe it or not, although the causes of low sexual desire can be complex and deeply rooted such as hormonal imbalances, sexual dysfunction, a history of sexual abuse, medical conditions, and so on, this is not always the case.
What can you do?
One of the most common causes for a sexual desire gap is also the simplest to solve. I recommend that the person with low desire adopt the Nike philosophy, and "Just Do It!" Why?
I wish I had a dollar for each time someone in my practice said, "I wasn't in the mood when I started making love but once we got into it, I really enjoyed myself. It felt great." After seeing lots of this in my practice, I started to look around at the literature about sexual desire and discovered that for millions of people, sexual desire doesn't just happen, you have to make it happen. (Basson, R.) But what does this actually mean?
The human sexual response cycle is thought to have four stages:
Stage 1: Desire, which is defined as having a sexy thought or sexual fantasy that often occurs out of the blue or in response to a trigger such as seeing an attractive person, smelling a aromatic perfume, or watching a hot movie. Desire then prompts us to become sexually active.
Stage 2: Arousal is the excitement we feel, the physiological changes in our bodies once we're physically stimulated.
Stage 3: Orgasm.
Stage 4: Resolution, when our bodies return to the resting state.
But for almost half the population, stages one and two are actually reversed. They don't feel sexual desire until they've been physically aroused, until they've been touched. But once they've been stimulated, they feel plenty of desire. For these folks, arousal leads to desire, not the other way around. It’s called “responsive desire.” Folks who feel desire before arousal have “spontaneous desire.” Research suggests that 80-90% of women experience responsive desire.
If you think you might experience responsive desire, it behooves you to do a little experimenting.
Stop waiting for the fireworks to happen before you become sexual. Be receptive to your partner's advances even if you're not totally in the mood. Why? Two reasons.
You might just find that once you're into it, you're really into it. You may not have low sexual desire at all. Instead, you may just be wired differently than your more high desire spouse.
Plus, notice the changes in your spouse. She or hewill be much nicer to be around.
But don't take my word for it. Try it.At least watch this new TEDx Talk onThe Sex-Starved Marriage.
Michele Weiner-Davis is the Author of the best selling Divorce Busting, Divorce Remedy, and the Sex-Starved Marriage, and creator of the Divorce Busting Center. Connect with her at: https://www.facebook.com/DivorceBusting/
Why couples don't have sex...
By: Sheri Stritof author of The Everything Great Marriage Book
There are many possible reasons that a marriage becomes sexless:
mismatched sexual libidos (sex drives)
relationship conflict
negative feelings toward your partner like anger or resentment
punitive or passive aggressive withholding of sex
boredom
tiredness
infidelity
childbirth
stress
erectile dysfunction
hypo-sexual desire disorder (low sex drive)
power struggles
medications side effects
depression or other mental health issues
history of sexual abuse
pornography
addiction
excessive stress
Tips to Help a Sexless Marriage
Recognize the signs of a low sex marriage. Talk with your partner about the issue of low sex or no sex in your marriage. It may be difficult, but it is necessary. Accept that changing your sexless marriage will not be easy. You both need to make the decision to have a healthier marriage. As you talk, decide on ways you both think you can rekindle your sex life. Put sex on your schedule. It sounds unromantic, but it can also be very romantic if done the right way. You both will have something to look forward to! Take up a new activity together. You have to make an effort to renew your love and create that spark you initially had. Novelty and dating help! See your medical doctors to address underlying medical conditions impacted your sex life. There are many solutions that can help, but you must open up to your doctor. They have heard it all and will be able to help if you are honest. Try a marriage retreat, workshop or seminar to help with communication and connection. Consider seeing a professional counselor who deals with sexual issues in marriage. A certified sex therapist would be most helpful in this circumstance.
