5 Scary Marital Problems No One is Talking About passionflames.com/marital-problems-overlooked/
Often overlooked marital problems The health of your marriage and your happiness are woven together in a fragile bond. This bond is your tether to each other, it’s your love, passion and affection. But like all things fragile; a misplaced word, or action out of context, can rip your world apart. Now your world is full of misery, which goes by many names, one familiar to you is, marital problems. This misery of marital problems can feel like a heavy burden and place great stress on your lives. 1/11
In the same way a strong marriage is rewarding, a marriage under misery can affect your happiness. Even the trials of life such as health issues can seem 10 times harder when life at home is difficult. If your home has come under the spell of misery, it’s essential you recognize the cause as soon as possible. To help you identify the cause of your miseries, here are 5 often overlooked marital problems.
Marital problems and your children
Marriage and children are often part of the same equation. You get married and there’s an expectation to have children. In some parts of the world, this expectation itself can be a little extreme. With marriage setting of a ticking clock, with all eyes on the bride to bear a child. In contrast, many couples choose to have children early in their married life. The hope is the children will keep the family united. With that said, it might come as a surprise that our little bundles of joy 2/11
can cause marital problems. Matthew Johnson, Professor of psychology at Binghamton University sheds more light on the subject. According to Professor Johnson, couples often underestimate the effects of children on marriage: To begin with, a child changes how couples interact with each other. The daily challenges of being a parent result in contact becoming more distant. Dating practices like flirting or planning a night out are memories from a distant past. Instead, you have tense exchanges about baby food, nappies and pickups. Then you have the change in identity from lover to parent, which brings with it a decrease in energy levels. The lack of energy has a knock on effect on intimacy, which leads to less sex. The evidence suggests its often the mother who suffers the most. This is because, most parents slip into gender-stereotypical ways of parenting. The mother cuts her hours at work and the father takes on more of the financial burden. The result for both spouses is often guilt, isolation, and frustration. In summary, couples should take steps to revive the romance factor. Otherwise children can be the root cause of many marital problems.
Marital problems and your faith
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Religion, for many that practice it, is central to life. Marriage between people who practice different religions has always been a controversial issue. For instance, the religion of Judaism is generally passed down through the mother. Hence, the expectation on most Jewish men is to marry a Jewish woman. A non-Jewish woman dating or married to a Jewish man is often referred to as a ‘shiksa‘. This term means abomination and shows how much Jews oppose intermarriage. Even marriages between partners who follow different branches of the same religion can run into issues. One common example is a marriage between Sunni and Shia Muslims. The root for this divide is the argument over the succession to the Prophet Muhammed. One Sunni woman, Ameera Al Hakawati, has written an article on her experiences of marrying a Shia man:
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“His parents were horrified at the prospect of a Sunni daughter-in-law. In fact, my husband told them I was considering converting to get them to accept us. But the longer they took to agree, the more I decided I didn’t want to pretend to be something I’m not,”. Another faith difference which is often overlooked, is between theist and atheist. Many religious people believe a married couple must put God first. Yet, a marriage between an atheist and a theist won’t be able to do that. To sum up, it’s not the differing beliefs but a lack of tolerance that can lead to serious marital problems. A lack of respect for a belief system central to that person’s life, can also lead to a broken marriage.
Marital problems and your standards
If you’ve ever been single for more than a few months, it’s likely you’ve been told your standards are too high. According to a recent study, high standards can often lead to marital problems. Dr. James K McNulty’s 2016 study set out to find if some partners place too many expectations on their marriage. That it should meet their needs for care, support, and independence. 5/11
To do this, Dr. McNulty tracked 135 couples for four years, starting from when they were newlyweds. During the course of the study, couples completed surveys at regular intervals. The surveys asked about their expectations for the marriage and level of satisfaction. They were also recorded talking about any marital problems they were experiencing. Despite the belief that high standards should lead to a higher quality of marriage, this wasn’t the case. High standards only did this where both spouses could work well together. This meant both spouses being open and direct about their causes for frustration. The couples able to do this were more likely to feel their marriage met their expectations. In marriages with high levels of hostility such as sarcasm, the results were as expected. Here, high standards only made things worse for the relationship. Dr. McNulty summing up the findings: “Some people demand too much because they have limited time or skills to apply to their marriages. Others demand too little from their marriages. Their marriage is a source of personal fulfillment they are not exploiting. To avoid marital problems, spouses should ask of their marriages as much as, but not more than, their marriages can give them,�.
Marital problems and emotional abuse
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Emotional abuse can be tricky to recognize. Instead of occurring in violent outbursts, it can rear its ugly head in subtle ways. Often, it’s difficult to distinguish between occasional hurtful behavior and emotional abuse. Sometimes, neither the victim nor the abuser knows it is even happening. The best way to find out if you’re suffering from emotional abuse is to use the Conflict Tactics Scale (CTS). An instrument used by therapists and researchers. It sets out three broad categories: verbal aggression, dominant behaviors and jealous behaviors. Has your spouse exhibited any of these behaviors: Disregarded and demeaned your opinions Tried to prevent you contacting your family Taken issue with your social media friends Unfairly accused you of being unfaithful Invaded your privacy on a regular basis Brainwashed your thoughts and feelings Threatened and verbally abused you 7/11
Even if you feel one or more of the above is occurring, you might feel tempted to ignore the issue for now. Often, victims of abuse would rather classify their abuser’s behavior as anything but what it is. This is because victims often develop mechanisms of denial to combat the stress of abuse. Some will even provide excuses for their abuser’s behavior. This pattern of forgiveness is more common in married couples. Who wants to admit they have committed themselves to an abuser? If you feel one or more of the above is occurring on a regular basis, it’s important you act. Not only for the sake of your marriage but for your own emotional well-being. A cycle of emotional abuse can cause low self-esteem. This can not only affect your performance at work but also your ability to be a good parent. Further, if you let your spouse manipulate you for a long period, you might start to ‘normalize’ this behavior. In effect, this means you’ve lost your independence, and chosen to suffer in silence. If you feel you are at risk from emotional abuse, it’s important to recognize it for what it is and seek help. This is not a marriage problem you can ignore as it poses a risk to both your marriage and your quality of life.
Marital problems due to anxiety & depression
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How many of these marital problems have you or your spouse experienced? Extreme fatigue Severe mood swings Very low self-esteem Signs of deep sadness Lack of sexual appetite Lack of affection towards each other Feeling distant towards one another Little interest in spending time with each other These are all common marital problems, so it wouldn’t be surprising if you ticked off a few. However, they’re also symptoms of anxiety and depression. Anxiety and depression aren’t as rare as you’d think. According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA): ‘Anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the United States. Affecting 40 million adults at age 18 and older, or 18.1% of the population every year’. 9/11
Anxiety and depression can also have tragic effects on the happiness of a couple’s marriage. This illness erodes emotional and sexual intimacy and floods a relationship with grief. Even the happiest, most capable partner can’t escape depression. Extra household chores can overwhelm you that your partner is too tired to finish. You might feel angry because your spouse won’t snap out of it, or feel you’re somehow to blame for the illness itself. You may feel alone yet unwilling to tell anyone there’s depression in your household. And even wonder when the sparkle and joy, the humor and fun seeped out of your relationship. If your partner is exhibiting any symptoms of anxiety or depression, it’s important to seek help. The good news is that according to the National Institute of Health (NIMH), depression and anxiety are treatable. However, the earlier treatment begins, the more effective it is. So, it’s important to seek help as soon as you recognize the symptoms. Summary:
All marriages start with a bang, a fairy tale even, which is your wedding day. Then for months or years, the sun shines bright and you couldn’t be more in love. But something changes, it can take many years, but it happens. And now the sun doesn’t shine as bright, the love isn’t as strong, life is no longer all it once was. Now, you can sit and analyze what bad luck or bad decisions led you down this dark path. Or you can try your hardest to resolve your marital problems. Are you going to quit and let the marriage die?, or will you put in the time and effort to work through your problems? 10/11
Remember, marriage is a union between two people. And likewise, saving a marriage in an agreement between two people. You’re both in the marriage together, so it needs to be a joint effort. Sit down, find what your problems are, and work through them. Only the two of you can bring your marriage back to a solid state of happiness. Signing Off!
If you found this post helpful, will you share it on Facebook, Twitter or with anyone who would benefit? I’d be very grateful and thank you! Now it’s over to you. Are you experiencing any of the above marital problems?, and if you have children, have they caused any marital issues? Let me know in the comments below. Resources:
Happy Together is my free book that will better your marriage in 30 minutes or less. This book contains case studies of real marriages, and practical advice you can use today. The 2018 edition of my 8-part email course, ‘Marriage Matters‘ is now live. This is a free 21 day course for couples who need a more intensive solution. Download the book below to get started. Mary Holmes – As a former marriage counselor, I’ve helped over 250 couples rebuild their marriage. How Healthy is Your Marriage – Take the marriage quiz to help assess your relationship. Passion Flames Marriage Quiz
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