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Parent Coaching What Exactly is Parent Coaching? Parent Coaching offers personalized and private support to address your family’s specific needs. You will learn tools and strategies designed to nurture healthy development and foster the unique potential of your children. Parenting Perspectives will create a parenting plan designed to put you on a path that will help you overcome your current parenting challenges and to begin parenting with greater confidence, joy and ease.
Become a more confident, positive, effective and joyful parent Build a clear vision for your family; clarifying goals and values Develop a wide range of easy-to-implement strategies for any parenting struggle create a peaceful and loving home, without yelling What Types of Issues Can a Parent Coach Address? Discipline Issues School/Homework Sleep Challenges New Baby/Sibling Power Struggles Single Parenting Bullying Lack of Respect Toddler Tantrums Couple Communication Sibling Fighting PHOTO CREDIT/GOOGLE PHOTOS Separation/Divorce Peer Issues Anxiety/Stress And MORE! 4
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“You’re Not My Friend Anymore!” By Karen Jacobson and Lauren Bondy Your child is playing nicely with friends, when suddenly you hear one child say, “You are not my friend anymore”, or “Me and Suzie do not like you.” or “You can’t play with us!” When a child’s feelings are hurt, parents feel devastated and wonder how to help. It is helpful to know that comments like these are common among young children and fall under the category of “normal, social pain.” Most children will experience friendship problems sometime in their lives. Typically, this does not lead to emotional scars. And yet, for many parents it is difficult to watch their child struggle socially. They are pained when their child is excluded or hurt by another’s words or actions.
Parents cannot protect their children from friendship struggles. Every child will both exhibit and experience unkind behavior at times. They will make poor choices as they learn, grow and develop. Despite the occasional discomforts of friendship, it is through peers that children learn to navigate conflicts, problem solve and develop social skills.
Conflict nurtures coping skills and develops resiliency. What do I do when my child says, “Julie said she‘s not my friend anymore!” (or is upset about a peer conflict)?
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Step 1: Remain Calm Remind yourself that this is normal and does not mean the end of a friendship. Manage your own anxiety and fear. Often children say mean things when they are angry. Often they do not mean what they say. Children tend to focus on the part of the school day or play date that did not go well and “forget” about the enjoyable parts. Step 2: Listen and Empathize Children MUST feel heard and accepted before they can calm down or listen to any other helpful suggestions from you. Say, “Ohm, it sounds like it really hurt your feelings when Julie said that.” PHOTO CREDIT/GOOGLE PHOTOS
Step 3: Ask open-ended questions and then listen Show your child that you are interested in them and how they feel. By asking open ended questions you will gain a better sense of what happened. Resist being a detective but rather help your child think about how to solve the problem. The following questions may be helpful: • How did you handle it? (this lets kids know that they did handle it – they made it through the situation) • What was happening when she said that? • What happened next? • Has it happened before or to anymore else? • Do you think she will be your friend when she feels better? 7
Do you like playing with her? • Would you like to be her friend?
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Step 4: Brainstorm ways to problem-solve Help your child explore their options. Allow time for them to think and offer some ideas of your own with their permission. You might say, “Let’s talk about you choices. What ideas do you have?” Write down ALL ideas; if your child comes up with an idea you disapprove of, “say that’s an idea” and put it on the list without judgment. The list might look something like: 1. I could just play with someone else 2. I could talk to her and say “I feel bad when you say that, I want to be your friend” 3. I could say “I want to be your friend when you are ready” 4. I could go talk to my teacher or parent if I feel sad 5. I could just wait because I know that she gets mad a lot and then always comes to play with me again Step 5: Evaluate the ideas together Help your child think through each idea and weigh the pros and cons. Then, allow your child to choose the solution that feels best. Remember, it may not be the choice you would make. Just because your child is struggling with friendship issues, doesn’t mean that you need to struggle too. Parent coaching can get you and your child back on track and leave both of you feeling more confident. Call us today for an appointment in person or by phone. 8
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Are You Over-doing it with Your Kids? By Karen Jacobson, MA, LCPC, LMFT There is a lot of talk that today’s parents are: Over-involved in their children’s lives Over-indulging and buying too much Over-scheduling children with too many activities Over-pressuring kids, wanting them to succeed and be superstars Over-praising children in hopes that they will have good self-esteem Over-stimulating kids with computers, videos, electronic games, and cell phones Over-focusing on our children’s happiness New evidence suggests that in our efforts to give children the best, we end up over-doing it and unknowingly creating some negative consequences for our children. If you are questioning whether you are over-doing it with your children, it helps to remember the things that your children really need and want. TRUE GIFTS CHILDREN NEED AND WANT: 1. Connection with parents and other appropriate adults 2. Time and Attention 3. Acceptance for Who They Are 4. Unconditional Love 5. Limits/Boundaries/Consequences 6. Empathy 7. Downtime/Boredom 8. Struggle/ Disappointment/Conflict 9. Responsibilities 10. Allowing for Mistakes/Imperfection 11. Accepting ALL Feelings (even those that are unpleasant) 12. Teaching Values
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IDEAS for MOM and Dad!!! 1. Plan a Picnic Whether you’re heading to a park or even just your backyard or fire escape, put down a blanket, get a spread of yummy snacks, a bottle of wine, and you’ve got yourself a lovely, low-cost date. 2. Go Birdwatching Sometimes the most romantic activities involve being outdoors together. Check if your favorite local park offers birdwatching tours, or just hang out in your backyard with binoculars. 3. Take a Brewery Tour Learn something and get beer in the process? This is pretty much a foolproof date. To find a tours, start by calling a microbrewery near you and go from there. 4. Take a Workout Class Take a spin class, a rowing class, or one of the myriad of trendy boutique workout classes that have popped up just about everywhere in recent years. Couples that sweat together, stay together. 5. Troll for Photobooths Spend an evening looking for photobooths, and taking fun photos together. The souvenirs from the evening are just a bonus. 6. Take a Boxing Class Together Not your typical date, get the endorphins flowing taking a boxing class together. 7. Visit a Museum and See Something Unexpected Going to a museum is a great date idea. Go see a controversial show, and the conversation will flow easily from there. 8. Head on a (Mini) Road Trip Pick a destination about an hour from where you live—it could be anything from a flea market to a restaurant off the beaten path—and 12 just drive.
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Need Bubble Wrap? By Karen Jacobson, MA, LCPC, LMFT It is hard to watch your child fall, get hurt, struggle and make mistakes. It is hard to see them feel sad, scared or not good enough. A parent I work with recently said, “I need more bubble wrap.” She wanted to protect her kids by wrapping them in bubble wrap so they would not bruise or break. The wish was for bubble wrap to provide safe passage through the journey of childhood, adolescence and beyond. Today, many well-meaning parents are layering the bubble wrap in many areas of their children’s lives. They are hovering, doing things for children that they are capable of doing themselves, monitoring their every move, jumping in when their children experience conflict or adversity, giving praise and trophies not for excellence but for expected behavior or mere participation. In addition, they are rescuing their children from the natural consequences of their own behavior and putting a lot of time, money and effort in an attempt to ensure their child’s success. All of these parental behaviors are attempts to protect their children and foster self-esteem and happiness. Unfortunately, their attempts are misguided. Not only is it impossible to protect our children but it is not in their best interest to be protected from the inevitable adversity in life. Children will get hurt both physically and emotionally. They might break a bone, be left out of a friendship gathering, they may struggle academically, they may forget their homework and receive an F or need to stay in for recess. Some children may even experience something tragic. Some, will experience uncomfortable consequences due to their own unkind behavior or not following the rules. Although these experiences are never wanted, they will likely happen. In most cases, they are valuable opportunities for children to learn about themselves. They learn that 15 they can handle or manage life when it is very sad or uncomfortable.
When children get hurt, struggle or make mistakes, they need a soft place to land. They need time and space to feel, think, process and learn from the experience. Your family is the bubble wrap. The bubble wrap of family insulates children with love and acceptance. When parents allow children a safe space to express their pain, humiliation, and sadness as well as a space to figure out how to navigate and problem solve, it helps soften the inevitable challenges of life. When parents hold children accountable, they learn how to fail, struggle, try again and make good decisions. In this case, children are learning to take care of themselves—they are learning to be resilient. In essence, they are developing their own bubble wrap that can only occur with your love. Parents are not preventing the fall or hurt but they are preventing the damage that can come when children don’t develop the ability to bubble wrap and take care of themselves. For when children learn this, they have a valuable cushion for life. They come to realize their inner strength, find their voice, and know their resilience and self-competence. We need to shift from thinking we need to protect kids from all negative experiences to creating a family that provides love, support, calm, acceptance and guidance. This is the bubble wrap that children really need.
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