Doubling down on God: all the way in his grace
By
Igie Villarosa
PHILIPPINES
Contents
INTRODUCTION
1
WHAT’S THE POINT?
5
My Book of Gratitude (In Grateful Victory)
11
My Book of Blessings (Of Challenges and You)
27
My Book of Love (Love as Nobody Can Everyday)
45
Strategic Life Management
63
Unfinished dream “I pass on to you the Love of God so must you do the same” 71
WHAT’S THE POINT?
S ighing deeply, I looked at my number, then at the board.
Three more before my turn. I could hardly breathe as my mind raced in agitation. It has been a rough year for me but I managed to survive month after month. But seven months into the year, my luck ran out. “Sir?” called out the cashier. I looked around, there’s no one else but myself. “It’s your turn, Sir.” I stood, hiding my fear behind a forced smile. “I would like to pay my son’s tuition.” “What’s his name and grade?” I handed her the slip of paper with the money. My last money, to be exact. I looked around again, relieved that no one was there to see me like this. The cashier called me again as she pushed the official receipt through the small hole. “Thank you,” I said and walked away. The last money I had went to my son’s school tuition. Seven months more to pay and I have ran out of options where to get the money. I thought my retirement fund would give me the chance for a fresh start, but the businesses I entered did not do well. The commission I received from selling a property gave me the confidence to enter the stock market, though risky. I bought stocks with all of it and reckless me, lost it all. Pathetic me!
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I intended to walk towards the car but found myself going to the opposite direction. So lost in thought at my predicament, I did not realize I was walking the path towards the side entrance of the school Chapel. The watch indicated I had thirty minutes to spare before picking up my son from class. I entered, finding a handful of people there. A religious Sister praying the Rosary at the far left, two college students are on the right side near the tabernacle, and the old lady ahead of me at the Cashier’s is on the front pew bowed in prayer. I knelt on the last pew at the back. Closing my eyes, I inhaled and exhaled deeply. Desperately pouring my heart to the Lord, I cried silently, “Lord, You said that You will take care of everything. When I did not know how to raise my son, You told me to bring him to You and everything will be alright. I did what You told me. I brought him every day to this very Chapel to hear Mass before going to class for the past two years. How come it reached this point today that I am so financially broke?” “I am sorry Lord, for the many wrong decisions I made that I lost all the financial security You gave for my family. I am down and out. I just shelled out the last money for my son’s tuition for the month of August. I do not know where to source the money for September.” Tears fell and this time, I didn’t care if anybody saw me this way. In the midst of despair, Job’s words came to mind: “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return there; the Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” (Job 1:21 NRSVCE). Perplexing! Shall I be tested and humiliated like Job before God pities me? Job’s prized herds of livestock were raided by marauders and the rest were struck by lightning while grazing. His servants were killed by robbers and all his children were
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killed in a freak accident. On top of these, excruciating sores erupted all over his body and his wife nagged him so. Job did not hold these against God and remained steadfast in faith, praising and praying as he always did before calamities struck (cf. Job 2:7-10). But I am not Job, never was wealthy nor as faithful to be worth getting tested like him. I easily crumble when pushed a bit more and God knows how fragile my faith is. Trials in the past strained my relationship with God because of my wrong choices, hasty decisions, and foolhardy actions. All my fault. God had nothing to do with my failures. Then why among the many verses in the Bible, these words of Job came to mind during my prayer? It could have very well been, “But strive first for the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well” (Mt. 6:33 NRSVCE). Why not this verse? It would have been more comforting. I could have easily interpreted it as a call to fix my life. I continued to pray, “Lord, since You want me to change my ways, I promise I would. Let me find the means to support my family.” More tears rolled down my cheeks. “Help me, Lord. You are my only hope, there is nowhere I could immediately find a stable job.” The school bell rang for the 3 o’clock dismissal, abruptly ending my pleading. Time to get back to the car to wait for my son. I whispered a firm, “Lord, I leave it all up to You. You know better than I.” Making the Sign of the Cross, I stood up refreshed and walked briskly to the parking lot. In the car, I felt light, even cheerful as I scanned the approaching boys for my son. As soon as we arrived home, the phone rang. It was my brother asking if I already found a job because his friend was looking for someone to manage a distribution department. A different industry from my previous experience but this was not the time to be choosy.
My Book of Love (Love as Nobody Can Every Day)
I have lived long enough to have experienced the most
dreadful and anxious of times, but none perhaps has been greater than my situation almost twenty years ago now. Some days after my son was born, I was overcome with fear, fear of fatherhood. For the next three nights, I dreamt that I was running to a strange place. At every crossroad I would stop, afraid to choose which way to go. I would look around and always, opted to go back where I came from for fear of the unknown ahead beyond the hill. Yet for some reason, I still found myself running forward until another crossroad faced me again. I would wake up out of breath, my heart pounding as if I have been actually running. The nightmare was telling me something. I just did not know what. Or, did I faintly know but was in denial? It was early 1999 when I decided to change my daily routine for the new year. I pledged to wake up early to assess my current status as father and provider of my family. On the first Saturday of the year, I woke up around 5:00 a.m. Still dark and quiet. I looked at my wife sleeping soundly beside me and between us, our newborn son. I gazed on his face and was mildly surprised at what seemed to be a smile in his sleep. That made 45
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me smile, too…that turned into a frown when I remembered my current worry over the additional savings I had to set aside for his education in the years to come. My existing salary could not cover that much so I needed to have additional income to prepare for it. I decided to attend Mass early on the second Friday of that month. Arriving ahead of time, I sat on the last pew at the left most side to avoid being noticed by incoming Massgoers. Clasping my hands with head bowed low, I reflected on my past. Scattered thoughts. I grew up far from the city. I had it easy as a kid but was punished hard for my transgressions. Then my thoughts shifted to my father, at how unfair he was to me. That was how I thought of him in the past. When my father died, I felt free at last. That same freedom forced me to face the stark reality that I did not have enough money to do what I wanted. That was the primary reason why I had to look for a job immediately after college graduation. My thoughts were interrupted by the ringing of the bell to signal the beginning of the Mass. I stood up with a sigh and looked at the priest. Even though I sinned many times, I made sure to come to Mass on Sundays and whenever I could during the week like that day. I say that because I am always a work in progress — the number of second chances I have given myself to improve far outweighed that of actual decency, humanly speaking. Now I know better than that for I learned by experience that God patiently bears with human failures, giving us every opportunity to choose Him freely, voluntarily and lovingly. I would always console myself with what a friend once said, “It is a good thing you are attending Mass from time to time because you would have been worse if you did not.”