Alex Iezzi, SFU Clan superstar

FIRST PEEK

November 30, 2015

PEAK SPEAK

EDITOR’S VOICE

Our portrayals of indigenous struggle are far too narrow

Mischa Shadloo Second-year theatre performance

We discuss only the start of a painful and ongoing legacy.

Focus on residential schools tokenizes and ignores current Aboriginal issues

Cecile Favron Promotions Coordinator In response to the challenges ahead, our new prime minister Justin Trudeau has promised to meet with indigenous leaders before year’s end and hold an inquiry into missing and murdered Aboriginal women. Although these are important steps in government-indigenous relations, they’re not aimed at remedying a pervasive culture of tokenism and narrow representation that saturates Canada’s conversation on Aboriginal issues.

The fleeting acknowledgement of being on ‘unceded First Nations’ territory’ or noting Canada’s history of racism, including the legacy left by residential schools, is not enough. I have serious concerns about the state of equality, multiculturalism, and ultimately reconciliation in Canada, and the TRC has not eased my apprehension.

I think there are some unpleasant assumptions held in regards to Canada’s Aboriginal history. As a result, the portrayal of the indigenous struggle in Canada is very narrow. Over my years attending SFU public lectures, I have noticed that conversations on First Nations topics invariably lead to someone injecting the lingering tragedy of residential schools into the discussion — even when the transition feels strained.

This seamless association between the indigenous

experience and residential schools does little more than construct a very narrow and overwhelmingly grim narrative of the place of indigenous people in Canadian history.

The commonplace reputation of residential schools is illustrated by John Milloy’s A National Crime. This book would go on to influence a generation of anti-racism activists — however, its depiction of colonialism’s ugly legacy makes it too easy to forget that residential schools were not the pinnacle of racism for many Aboriginal persons.

on the government and churches, and deny one’s role in a racializing culture. Whatever the reason, it is assumed that an innately harmful ordeal at residential schools is integral to the indigenous experience. I think to lump a diverse people together based on one identity is to discredit their experience as a whole.

Canada needs to put more effort into actually understanding current indigenous issues. The general neglect of Aboriginal communities, as illustrated by the ‘discovery’ of the substandard living conditions at Attawapiskat First Nation in northern Ontario in 2011, is something that continues to this day.

Lost within the media coverage of residential schools are those who did not feel they were profoundly impacted by their time there in a negative way. Denied by the Common Experience Payment (part of the Residential Schools Settlement Agreement) is any validation that the same abuses happened at Aboriginal day schools and to residential school attendees to various degrees.

My aim is not to discredit those who were subject to abuses in residential schools, but only to acknowledge that the scope of inequality in Canada is much larger than many would like to believe it is. Canada has a long way to go before we can reach reconciliation. We need to not assume a victimizing narrative so that we can move past what remains a dark period in Canadian history.

Acknowledgement of being on ‘unceded First Nations’ territory’ or legacy left by residential schools is not enough.

It makes it easy to forget that some indigenous persons, such as Nisga’a chief Frank Calder, went to residential school in order to prepare to lead their nation in land claims. It also makes it too easy to forget that many First Nations — to the tune of over 60 per cent — did not even attend residential school.

There has been no largescale effort made to uncover the ‘truth’ of Aboriginal day-schools or the consequences of relegating people to reserves in an effort to reach ‘reconciliation.’ Maybe these wider issues are not acknowledged because Canadians only want to speak about this ‘shameful’ episode in past tense.

It is possible that the dialogue focuses on specific schools in order to lay blame

P.04

Q: How has SFU Woodward’s influenced gentrification in Vancouver?

“SFU is very complicit in the gentrification of the Downtwon Eastside, [. . .] but we don’t have to be supporting businesses down here that are also gentrifying neighbourhoods. It’s [bigger] than just one sole responsibilty.”

Phoebe Lim / The Peak

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“I know that from what I’ve seen, we could definitely be doing more to help the people rather than push them away, because that’s what I’m seeing.”

Kaitlin Stoneman Fourth-year theatre performance

“I think bringing in this school here [. . .] has encouraged gentrification because it’s now a hot area. I think we’re very aware of where we are though, and what the past is, [. . .] and as artists we try and [. . .] respect the area that we’re in [and] create work that speaks to that.”

Danielle Lavallee Fifth-year theatre performance

“If there are ways that we have been involved, they have not been very present. I’ve seen a couple of events here and there [. . .] but I’ve never really seen like a huge movement to help out. [. . .] I haven’t really felt a huge draw from anyone in that sense.”

Brenda Nicole Kent Second-year film studies

“Um, probably some?”

James-Anzin Wallace Nahirnick First-year dance

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NEWS

November 30, 2015

news editor email

Melissa Roach news@the-peak.ca

associate news editor

Jamal Dumas

Interested in art, music, and videos? Check out the Interurban Gallery located at the downtown at Hastings and Carrall St. on Monday, November 30. This free event will take place beginning at 7:30 p.m. and will feature different forms of art created and inspired by SFU School of Contemporary Arts alumni.

Approximately 25 individuals gathered last week as a part of SFU Against Displacement. The protest organized by a group of students concerned about the displacement of street vendors along the zero to 300 block of East Hastings.

On Monday, November 16, the Vancouver Police Department began to clear the vendors, many of whom are impoverished, off the streets as part of the city’s push to relocate them to safe sanctioned market areas.

The group met at noon on Friday, November 20, just off the Hastings and Carrall intersection, to develop and implement the direct action in protest of the displacement.

The Vancouver Sun reported, “The sidewalk market has been operating for years on the north side of Hastings Street in the heart of the Downtown Eastside and has long been dogged by accusations that its vendors sell stolen goods.”

The city insists their effort is to ensure vendors are operating

in safe and legal spaces, and not to push homeless residents off the streets. However, SFU International Studies student and creator of the initiatve Amy Widmer believes that it is no coincidence that this push surfaced just prior to the opening of Sequel 138, a new condominium complex directly marketed to the middle class.

The development is to be opened on the south side of Hastings St. in the block between Columbia St. and Main St. Widmer created the Facebook event for SFU Against Displacement around 3:00 a.m. on Tuesday morning, expecting to garner about 20 responses. By Wednesday night, there were over 1,000 people invited.

Reflecting on her position as a student who attends the SFU Woodwards campus, she felt there was an immense lack of engagement among students in issues surrounding the Downtown Eastside (DTES).

Widmer and the other organizers decided not to plan out exactly

what was to happen at the protest, as they wanted it to be a collective decision made by all of those in attendance, to ensure everyone was comfortable and in agreement with the action.

After gathering, the group decided to block off East Hastings and marched towards Sequel 138, where the they held the street for nearly two hours from around 12:30 to 2:30 p.m.

“For the first little while it was kind of quiet, or maybe even slightly uncomfortable,” reflected Widmer. “But after a little bit, the residents in the Downtown Eastside started approaching us, and talking to us, and asking why we were there, and thanking us.”

Widmer explained that most of the community members they engaged with were overwhelmingly supportive of their initiative, joining in and sharing stories of their personal histories and experiences with vending.

She explained that residents expressed their concerns about the displacement, saying that “it was detrimental to their community and their safety.”

According to Widmer, beings students gave the group a certain amount of credibility and ability to engage in this public action with little difficulty or conflict, both

with the authorities and members of the community.

She believes the fact that the action was spearheaded by students made the event successful: “I’ve been to many direct actions where we take the street, and pretty much [at] every single one, after about the first hour and a half, maybe even less than that, there are a lot of cops present and they start to kettle you.

“They start to push you to the sidewalks, they start kicking you off the street and threatening you with arrest — not once did that happen, not once,” Widmer added. “I think that partially has to do with the fact that we’re students, and it sends a different message to the public if police [interact with] students in this more aggressive manner.”

During a debrief meeting directly after the action, the group agreed that from that point forward they wanted to make an effort to increase the direct engagement of students and faculty in issues surrounding the DTES. As an International Studies student, Widmer expressed that being at the frontline of the action almost enhanced her educational experience, and that such interactions within the DTES community are an invaluable part of learning.

“You learn all this critical theory, and you learn to critique things, but all in this way that is so separate from those who are experiencing the worst aspects of gentrification and capitalism,” she said.

Come de-stress on Surrey Campus! Between Tuesday, December 1 and Thursday, December 3, a plethora of fun activities will be offered near the library. Not only will the therapy puppies be back, but the Surrey Campus Committee in partnership with the SFSS will be providing gingerbread cookies, candies, hot chocolate, baked goods, video games, and more!

On Thursday, December 10, SFU’s Harbour Centre campus will feature a film about the life of writer, monk, poet, and social activist Thomas Merton. It is the story of Merton’s journey across America and his search for a “fuller union” with God. Following the documentary, a formal public discussion will follow with a pane of Merton experts Donald Grayston, Lynn Szabo, and Angus Stuart.

NEWS

SFU researchers have teamed up with scientists around the world to deliver a report on the disease-carrying ‘kissing bug.’

More formally known as the Rhodnius prolixus, kissing bugs feed on the blood of mammals, birds, and reptiles.

They transmit Chagas disease when they simultaneously ‘kiss,’ a much more romantic way to say bite, a person’s face and defecate.

Transmission occurs when the feces gets rubbed into the bite wound or another entrance to the body, such as an eye or mouth.

The group of researchers is made up of scientists from Guatemala, Colombia, Brazil, Argentina, Mexico, the United States. Their goal is to further the development of insect control methods in order to reduce the impact that Chagas

With temperatures dropping across the Lower Mainland, one of the foremost thoughts on people’s minds is how to stay warm. For the designers of technical apparel, this is an ongoing preoccupation.

A new partnership between SFU Environmental Physiologist Matthew White and Mountain Equipment Co-op (MEC) will study the performance of new MEC cold-weather designs.

White stated, “The goal of thermal testing winter wear is to optimize the performance of the clothing and the thermal comfort of the individual.”

Participants in this study will walk on a treadmill in a climatic chamber that is at a temperature of -8˚C for 30 minutes.

While walking, they will have

November 30, 2015

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disease has on certain impoverished areas of Latin America. Their report contains new information on the insect’s evolution and biology.

Chagas disease, discovered in 1909 by Carlos Chagas, affects roughly 7–10 million people worldwide, according to the

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. While only affecting approximately 300,000 people in the United States and around

5,000 to 10,000 in Canada, most of whom are immigrants from Latin America, an overwhelming majority of those diagnosed are currently living throughout Mexico, as well as Central and South America.

The leading cause of cardiac disease in Latin America, the disease disproportionately affects those living in poverty. This is because the kissing bugs that transmit the disease are often found residing in the cracks and holes of substandard housing.

Transmission can occur from contaminated blood transfusions, infected organ transplants, from mother to child, and most rarely, contaminated food or drink; however, the most common method of transmission is from kissing bugs, of which there are over 100 species.

SFU Biology Professor Carl Lowenberger, one of the authors of the report, explained that “understanding the molecular biology can allow researchers to more easily identify kissing bug-specific genes or processes that can serve as targets for new transmission reducing drugs or insecticides.”

their body temperatures, surface heat loss, and metabolic rates monitored and compared with their pre- and post-exertion levels. This information will also be compared against the participant’s own perceived comfort.

“During our testing [of ] the cold chamber we get thermal comfort ratings,” said White. “So we try variants of a given piece of clothing and see if the performance or thermal comfort ratings are better or worse for a given garment.

or not the subjective assessments of a winter garment are the same as what the physiological or heat loss data telling us.”

On the horizon for White is the building of a new climatic chamber that will allow testing across a broader range of temperatures, from -50˚C to 50˚C. While the weather in the Lower Mainland never reaches these extremes, they want to understand how the body reacts to these additional stresses, and develop technical outerwear that can meet these challenges.

According to White, a benefit of building this new chamber is that it will allow for students to be trained in the methods required to conduct thermal testing, which has high industry demand but few qualified individuals.

Currently, Canadian companies have to ship their garments to Kansas State University to get

tested for thermal performance.

The ultimate goal in building this chamber, aside from being able to conduct further explorations into

environmental physiology, would be for Canadian companies to be able to send their garments to SFU for testing.

Kissing bugs transmit Chagas — not by kissing — but by biting people’s faces and defecating into the wound.

“We can compare that to the heat loss responses to see whether

6 NEWS

November 30, 2015

What about SFU would make a Harvard Law professor jealous?

The President’s Dream Colloquium, apparently.

Professor Glenn Cohen of Harvard University conceded this just before delivering the final lecture in this semester’s President’s Dream Colloquium: Traveling for Health. The series examined the ways that the movement of doctors, medical volunteers, patients, and even organs affect healthcare worldwide.

The Dream Colloquium has seen a diverse range of topics for graduate and undergraduate students since its inception in 2012. Ranging from entrepreneurship to civil disobedience,

the goal is to create a space where students can be engaged with unique topics they might not otherwise have access to.

Speakers are brought in every other week to give lectures on different facets of the topic, and students have the chance to meet with them afterwards. The topic for spring 2016 will be Engaging Big Data.

On Friday night, Cohen unpacked some of the ethical issues associated with health

tourism. Cohen has extensive experience in this area, with many papers under his belt, as well as his 2014 book, Patients with Passports: Medical Tourism, Law, and Ethics .

Speaking to the dark side of transplant tourism, Cohen gave the example of countries like Bangladesh and India where low income citizens sometimes must sell their organs. The demand for kidneys in particular has increased due to an aging

population and the high prevalence of diabetes.

Cohen brought up the question of whether selling your own organs should ever be allowed. He didn’t provide a direct answer, saying instead, “You have a role in determining the rules in your country.”

However far away these desperate situations may seem, they place a very real pressure on the Canadian health care system. People who have transplant operations using illegally

purchased organs are much more likely to experience complications at home, taking up substantial medical resources in Canada while they recover.

The exact figures on the extent of this kind of medical tourism in Canada are hard to come by said Cohen. He elaborated, “We don’t know very much about the numbers; anybody that tells you that they do is probably not being rigorous enough.”

For accurate information on the realities of transplant tourism, Cohen has high praise for SFU researchers, saying that “the SFU health geography/ medical tourism research group is terrific.” The website offers first-hand accounts of medical tourism and questions that people should ask themselves before going abroad for medical treatment.

When asked about what Canadians could do to help prevent patients from buying organs abroad, Cohen had simple advice.

“In some ways the most tangible thing you can [do. . .] would actually be to donate a kidney or to participate in the donor system.”

For the fourth year in a row, the Faculty Smackdown provided a venue for SFU professors to debate matters of the day, fighting for the coveted “Gnome-it-all Award.”

This year’s contentious debate topics were whether or not “the devil is in the details,” and whether or not “the answer, my friend, is blowin’ in the wind.” The Smackdown was held on Wednesday, Nov. 25 at 12:30 p.m. in the Leslie and Gordon Diamond Family Auditorium (SFU Theatre), and had a strong audience turnout.

The event, hosted by SFU prof Geoff “Gnarly” Mann, is part of the annual SFU United Way fundraising campaign, which raised $137,684 last year, and aims to raise $175,000 this time around; money that United Way uses to support programs and services for at-risk

children and seniors living in poverty throughout the Lower Mainland. This year’s Smackdown event raised approximately $1,800 — the most to date.

The Smackdown featured 12 professors nominated by students on the basis of their sense of humour, ability to talk about anything, and appreciation for the act of giving. Chosen professors were from many subjects, including Paul “Bam Bam” Budra, David “The Destroyer” Coley, Rochelle “Rambunctious Dr. Ro” Tucker, Kathleen “By The Book” Burke, and several others.

Each debate question featured two teams of three profs each, and consisted of three minute opening statements, a 30 second question posed to the opposing side followed by a two minute answer, and three minute closing statements.

Taking the idea of humour to heart, the debate teams came prepared with props, costumes, nicknames, and team identities. They engaged in a self-deprecating debate that was rife with dramatization, gross exaggeration, catastrophism, logical jumps, and flights

of fancy. The debaters alternated in their use of rhetoric, and asked biting questions like, “If the devil is not in the details, then why are textbooks so big and libraries so large?”

Audience involvement continued during the event as questions were invited from the floor during question period. In one case, a professor explained the movement of air by the bringing of two hands together, and asked the audience to demonstrate with tempo, in the process, getting them to clap for him.

The Smackdown started as the “little big idea” of event organizer Gwynne Roseborough when she was the campaign chair of the United Way campaign four years ago. She continues to devote effort to the Faculty Smackdown, which she sees as a “wonderful example of SFU student, staff, and faculty community spirit” — one that she hope will continue year-to-year.

The Smackdown was inspired by a desire to “combine the formality of traditional academic debates with topics that would be fun for everyone,” she said. Roseborough drew from CBC Radio’s

The Debaters and the Oxford Union Debates to create an event where money could be raised for a serious cause through the use of humour.

Despite the whimsical topics at hand, the professors brought real-world frustrations into the debate. Diverse issues such as course scheduling, the purpose of science, power issues on the SkyTrain, and the seven deadly sins entered the fray.

In the end, the winning teams were decided by the loudest cheering. The teams, The Exorcists and Three Sheets to the Wind, each took home the coveted Gnome-it-all Award, which this year ceased to be a physical statuette, but is now a poster of a gnome.

The winners’ verdict was that the devil is not in the details, but the answer, my friend, is blowin’ in the wind.

NEWS

“Now in the light of global warming and reducing our environmental impact, we all need to find a more efficient way to use energy,” stated SFU Mechatronics Systems Engineering associate professor Majid Bahrami, who was recently recognized among the 2016 Canada Clean50 in the category of research and development.

The members of the Canada Clean50 are considered leaders in sustainable development who have made a measurable impact with their work.

Bahrami is the director of the Laboratory for Alternative Energy Conversion (LAEC), located at SFU Surrey. The lab focuses on sustainable cooling, thermal management, and fuel cell materials.

The LAEC is also responsible for training over 70 students in sustainable energy research. Research in the lab is conducted

November 30, 2015

primarily for members of a relevant industry who are interested in sustainable energy.

Bahrami elaborated on the role that industry plays in the LAEC: “At the moment we are working with 15 different companies, providing them with the information they need.

This ranges from testing, material characterization, modeling, prototyping, and fuel solution.

Basically the lab is run like a startup company.”

This approach is successful, according to Bahrami, because his students gain industry-related experience throughout their schooling, and are therefore more likely to secure better jobs. The direct connection with industry also allows for a fast integration of these green technologies.

One such technology is the LAEC’s atmospheric water generator. This was created with sustainable water in mind. Bahrami noted, “This can be used in a variety of locations where there are no other water sources available.”

These could be areas hit by natural disaster, areas where the aquifers have been depleted, and even arid climates where no other water is

available. It works by sucking in air and extracting the moisture.

The current model can produce 20 to 30 litres of water per day, but it is scalable up to 100,000 litres per day. “It’s expensive water,” Bahrami added, “but atmospheric water is the most sustainable water you can get.”

Another example is the adsorption refrigeration system, which generates cooling without using electricity. According to

Bahrami, it uses abundant lowgrade heat, temperatures that are below 100 degrees Celsius, to start the cooling process. Not only does this technology avoid the energy costs of cooling, but it avoids the use of harmful refrigerants that act to deplete the ozone layer.

The team has developed yet another eco-friendly technology in collaboration with local electronics manufacturer Alpha Technology. It is a cooling system within an

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enclosure for telecommunication provision systems, which are used for the provision of wireless internet and cell phone service. The cooling system regulates what is termed ‘parasitic power,’ which is required for the cooling system.

Bahrami explained, “We reduced the environmental impact of these telecommunication system enclosures by 15 per cent. In a nutshell, we are removing all the parasitic power required for cooling this system.” This “parasitic power” refers to the energy wasted through the heating and cooling of various moving parts.

Bahrami holds the Canada Research Chair in Alternative Energy Conversion Systems, a government program geared to keep Canada on the cutting edge of research and development. As chair, reducing our environmental impact through practical innovations is important to him.

“With the Paris convention, we are going to commit to at least 30 per cent GHG (greenhouse gas) reduction, it’s a Herculean task.”

Herculean it may be, but the efforts of Majid Bahrami and the students at the LAEC have earned them a place among Canada’s Clean50.

UNIVERSITY BRIEFS U of T revises sexual assault policy

UWinnipeg requires students to take indigenous course [WINNIPEG] — The University of Winnipeg has announced a new requirement for newly admitted students in the 2016–17 school year to take at least one Indigenous studies course.

Two other Canadian universities have taken on similar requirements, but not quite to this extent. The University of Regina requires its students to enroll in an Indigenous class, but only for those in the Faculty of Arts. Thunder Bay, Ontario’s Lakehead University has recently declared that next year all students must take a “minimum of one course with at least 50 per cent Indigenous content.”

With files from CBC News

[TORONTO] — When a female student of the University of Toronto was sexually assaulted by a male classmate, the school’s counselling and psychological services told her to go to class anyway so as not to let him “win.”

The student reported that this advice left her “totally isolated, alone.” This prompted an in-depth investigation by CBC. The university is now implementing a revised program to better address students who have been sexually assaulted. The program will also feature a greater emphasis on mental health and counselling as a whole.

Dal alumnus tears apart degree to protest divestment decision [HALIFAX] — Dalhousie University’s board of governors voted against divestment from fossil fuels companies one year ago this month.

In response, alumnus Scott Vrooman shredded his master’s degree, expressing his resentment over the decision of his alma mater. Since then, Vrooman has continued with his protest and plans on working alongside a student group called Divest Dal. Vrooman’s goal will be to convince more Dalhousie alumni to join the cause.

With files from CBC News With files from The Dalhousie Gazette

8 NEWS

SFU has laid out an ambitious program for the growth of its Burnaby campus residences.

The new Residence and Housing Master Plan 2015–35 spans 20 years and will double capacity on Burnaby Mountain, considerably reshaping the structure of the residence community.

The 75-page report provides a five phase construction program that will raise the number of residence beds from 1,554 to 3,250 over the next 20 years through seven new buildings and an expanded dining hall.

Consultation on the Master Plan is open indefinitely, with opportunities for students to make their voices heard over email and in person. The last of four open houses will be held on Wednesday Dec. 2 between 12 and 2 p.m.

This transition includes the creation of two-story ‘livingrooms’ for the towers, the relocation of the Simon Hotel, and the consolidation of Residence and Housing’s offices and facilities.

The progressive demolition of Louis Riel House, Madge Hogarth House, and the Cowichan House townhouse block is planned to allow space for new buildings. Another portion of the plan is accommodated in the surface lot behind the towers, and the hilly forested area north of that lot.

November 30, 2015

The plan maintains the key east-west pedestrian axis of the original Erickson & Massey campus design.

In addition the plan intends to create the “ideal residence community” based on student surveys, with a variety of housing options. Currently options for living in residence consist of two varieties of single dorm rooms, four-person townhouses, and studios for graduate students.

The new plan includes the potential for single and double occupancy units, as well as suites, semi-suites, studios, and apartment units. These expansions are proposed to take place in an incremental fashion, with an initial focus on expanding first year residence capacity before moving on to upper year and graduate students.

This focus is the result of a disproportionately higher demand for first year housing — a demand that has the potential to put pressure on housing availability and push out upper year residents. Currently, SFU is unlike other universities in that it can be extremely difficult for students to remain on residence beyond first year due to high housing demand.

Through the provision of this plan, the university is presenting

a drastic change in the direction for residence growth. It has been 11 years since the dining hall and towers were built, a project which itself was preceded by a near 12-year gap with Hamilton House and the townhouses.

The Shell, Louis Riel, and Madge Hogarth residences date back to the beginnings of SFU. Residence is not addressed in detail in either the 2010 Burnaby Mountain Campus development plan or the 2015– 2020 SFU five year capital plan.

According to Tim Rahilly, Associate VP Students, the Residence Master Plan would be utilized to fill in these gaps and update the university’s plans as it develops. Each step of the Master Plan requires additional examination, budgeting, planning, and approval through university administration.

Development for the Residence and Housing Master plan began in 2013 after the residence’s budgetary crisis several years ago. One of the initial options explored at that point was the partial or complete privatization of the SFU residences. This idea gained traction in 2005 and was discussed for half a decade before being ultimately discarded.

According to Tracey MasonInnes, the director of SFU’s Residence and Housing, the plan presents a change and an acknowledgement by the university that “if we’re committing

to residence, then we need to think and plan about how we should do it.” Despite the 20year timeframe set out in the Master Plan, Mason-Innes described it as a growing plan that has to be revisited as circumstances change and new buildings are opened.

Rahilly commented on the future of family housing on campus, saying that it is a continuing conversation with UniverCity that he hopes will yield information by late spring on the potential provision of family housing in that area.

Beyond new construction, Mason-Innes noted the importance of maintaining existing facilities. Mctaggart-Cowan Hall is scheduled to begin renovations this summer and will be the last building to be updated.

According to Mason-Innes, feedback to the plan has so far been positive. With the proposed two-story ‘living rooms’ for the residence towers being a strong point.

Mason-Innes was pleased with the response to the proposed living rooms: “It’s the first step, and something that could be done quite easily in comparison.”

Residents have raised concerns about the removal of the surface parking lot north of the towers. However, the concern is more about the potential effect of its removal, and not around existing demand for parking spaces.

Aside from physical changes, developers are hoping the plan will have a ripple effect on how residence is structured, from delivery of services, to community programming, and residence orientation.

The board was presented with a motion to increase the amount invested in what is classified as “sustainable investment holdings.” The $12 million, or 3 per cent of the endowment portfolio, currently invested will be increased to $20 million, or 5 per cent of the endowment portfolio.

Said SFU President Andrew Petter, “This very much puts us in a leadership position. Concordia and Trent, I think, are the only two other universities that have actually gone this direction in creating funds, or in our case enlarging funds, for this kind of purpose.”

Concerns were raised by undergraduate student representative Deven Azevedo about how the other 95 per cent of the endowment could be invested “potentially in morally ambiguous funds.” In addition, he expressed concern over the lack of commitment to when the remaining portion of the endowment portfolio would be dealt with.

The board voted to approve a university-wide policy on energy utilization effective immediately. The policy is to help the university reduce its overall greenhouse gas emission levels.

Said board member June Francis, “We decided to have a policy that strongly reflected our expectations around following the guidelines without making it a policy that we could not actually enforce.”

These considerations gave rise to amending language in the policy, which previously read “required” and “encouraged,” in regards to SFU community members and campus groups becoming more energy efficient and reducing greenhouse gasses. The new language dictates that these groups are “expected” to do so, in order to meet these institutional goals.

OPINIONS

In light of the Beirut and Paris tragedies that occurred November 12, there has been, to say the least, a media frenzy. Millions of Facebook users have overlayed their profile picture with a French flag — an option that Facebook not only makes available, but automatically suggests when you log on. Facebook also implemented its “safety check” feature during and in the aftermath of the attacks, allowing users to ‘check in’ to let family and friends know they’re safe. While Facebook’s actions may have good intentions, they show value over the West than the East.

Firstly, not only was this the first time in history that the safety check has been implemented in a non-natural disaster scenario, but the check was only initiated after the Paris attack — not the Beirut bombings that happened 24 hours prior. Furthermore, the option for the flag is limited to the French flag. The Lebanese, or any other country’s flag, aren’t options.

It’s that glorious time of the year when the ‘best of’ lists begin, and (insert generic noun here) of the year are announced. As a lover of year-end lists created by groups of people arbitrarily deciding what singular thing best captures a year, I can’t help but feel as though Christmas has come early.

So when the Oxford English Dictionary (OED) announced their choice for word of the year I was definitely intrigued, though I will

November 30, 2015

Defenders of this choice to exclude the Lebanese flag argue that users can make a Lebanese flag version themselves, but this isn’t the point. Rather, the point is that Facebook doesn’t give users the option to add it automatically.

Firstly, with regards to the flag overlay, there are more French Facebook users than Lebanese; therefore, more people would be inclined to use the French flag.

However, if the point is solidarity rather than shared experience (which it must be, considering only a minority of those with the French flag have ever been to Paris or have family or friends there), why should number of users matter? More importantly, why is the popularity of the flag even relevant? Shouldn’t those who want to express solidarity with victims of tragedy be given an easy way to do so?

Secondly, defenders of the safety check feature have explained that mobile connectivity is comparatively weaker in Lebanon, making the safety checks less

admit that my hopes were not very high, as previous words of the year have been “vape” in 2014 and “selfie” in 2013. But with this year’s announcement I wasn’t so much disappointed as I was surprised.

The OED word of the year is “face with tears of joy.” This isn’t even a word — it is an emoji.

Now, for some people the idea of replacing a word with an image is sacrilegious. A word is a word, not an emoji. A word is composed of a combination of letters from the 26 in the English alphabet, not a little yellow face that may be misused by your mother in a text message.

Though, as someone who has managed to have conversations using only emojis, Oxford’s choice does make sense to me, on some levels. I realize that each year’s ‘word’ documents the evolution of language, and past announcements of more colloquial words have helped log this evolution.

useful. Formerly, safety checks were implemented during natural disasters (the 2011 tsunami in Japan, typhoons in the Philippines) where there were also major connectivity problems. The premise behind safety checks is to provide solace for families and friends during an emergency that poses danger to human life. Connectivity has never before been considered in these situations, so why now?

The question then becomes: why does Facebook value

However, if the OED really wanted to capture the language’s evolution by immortalizing an emoji as the word of the year, they should have picked either the eggplant, peach, or ‘splashing sweat symbol.’ Because with our sex-obsessed culture in 2015, too many have sent these as a way to solicit sex

opinions editor email

Adam Van der Zwan opinions@the-peak.ca

9

Western lives over others? I argue this is because Facebook is the product of an entire society that does this very thing constantly.

Western nations identify with France more so than with Lebanon for a variety of reasons, including similar racial distribution, religions, and government styles. Additionally, France is a strong ally of both the United States and Canada, and Paris is a common vacation spot for Western families. When a nation that we identify with is attacked, it makes us feel more at risk as well.

We begin thinking: If it happened to them, it might happen to us.

Widespread Islamophobia only exacerbates this problem. This prejudice, curated in part by Western

governments in an attempt to justify wars throughout the 20th and 21st centuries, has flourished in post9/11 North America. This leads our society to be less sympathetic with Middle Eastern tragedies, such as Beirut, regardless of the context that surrounded the incident.

However, none of these are valid excuses for Facebook. As a billion-dollar enterprise, Facebook doesn’t need to wait until it becomes more socially acceptable to care about non-white lives. In fact, as such a popular social media site, Facebook has the opportunity to spur some amazing change. Facebook, take a first step: treat similar international emergencies in a similar fashion.

without actually having to say, “hey, lets have sex.”

But on other levels I am disappointed. We now live in an age where “your” and “you’re” are practically interchangeable, and the Internet has me questioning whether “breathe” is actually supposed to end with an “e.” Each year, the OED has the opportunity to help educate

a public that at certain times clearly needs it. Yet they squander this opportunity by declaring an emoji as word of the year.

Granted, the other contenders for word of the year were not as interesting or surprising — “face with tears of joy” beat out ‘ad blocker,’ ‘Brexit’ (a term for the potential or hypothetical exit of the UK from the EU), ‘dark web,’ ‘on fleek,’ ‘lumbersexual,’ ‘refugee,’ ‘sharing economy,’ and ‘they’ (singular) — used as a pronoun to refer to a person of an unspecified gender.

Overall, an emoji as word of the year opens up debate on to what even constitutes a ‘word.’

But, when in doubt, we can remember that Ancient Egyptians used hieroglyphs, and those were just words in picture form.

So, maybe we are just getting to a point where using pictures to communicate is more efficient than using letters to make words.

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OPINIONS

The pill, the shot, the IUD. We women are given a range of options when it comes to methods of birth control. Men, on the other hand, have no comparable options. This is not fair.

Though it’s true that condoms can prevent semen from penetrating a woman’s insides, this is a mutual birth control method.

The mere fact that both the woman and the man involved are directly impacted by a layer of latex (or what have you) means that the control is not specific to the man. The IUD, the shot, and the pill, opn the other hand, affect women only, in the simple sense that they are inserted into a woman’s uterus, intravenously injected into a woman’s arm, and popped daily into a woman’s digestive system, respectively.

So, why is it that women have so many choices while men are limited to virtually none? It’s unfair.

Of course, there is always the point that men will produce about 525 billion sperm cells in their lifetime. Indeed, during a single ejaculation, about 40 million to 1.2 billion speedy swimmers are released from a healthy male. On the other hand, women have approximately two million egg follicles in

Put aside the capitalist layer of gobbledygook that often overshadows Christmas and admire what the penultimate hours of the Noël blitz really stands for: sharing a moment with loved ones and getting some much-needed time with the family. At the end of the day, it’s all that really matters. It’s about slowing things down and just taking a moment to be thankful for your health and the people around you that help make

their bodies when they are born.

When they reach puberty, however, this number drastically declines to 450 mature eggs.

November 30, 2015

In that sense, the idea of protecting 450 eggs as opposed to 500 billion sperm makes sense.

But still, women are under the pressure of being the only ones to prevent carrying child. As making a child is a two-person job, it only makes sense that both parties involved should be equally involved in preventing this process. And with the whole idea of equality between genders finally filling up public discourse, a male contraception is finally being produced.

your life the lovely gift that it is.

The wonderful thing about the holiday season over the last few years is that it has lost its exclusivity. All walks of life are welcome to enjoy the celebration and make their own meaning out of the holiday in a way that fits their family’s values. And hell, if that isn’t worth raising the eggnog and rum up for toast in this jumbled and shook up world, I don’t know what is.

As the drunken ensemble of people around you begin the countdown from five, it becomes ever more apparent to you that hosting a New Year’s Eve party was a catastrophic mistake. Five people are passed out in your bathroom drenched in the regurgitate combination of spinach dip and cotton candy vodka. Four types of liqueur have stained your upholsteries and have ruined your coffee table irreparably.

Three inebriated colleagues have tried to make out with you

opinions editor email

Adam Van der Zwan opinions@the-peak.ca

Vasagel, a method developed by the Parsemus Foundation, is a safe injection that is directly shot up into the vas deferens.

For those of you who have not taken an introductory human biology course, or for those of you like me who have, but just don’t get it, the vas deferens is the fun little tube that carries sperm and passes into the penis.

The injection will be filled with a gel that prevents sperm from entering where it would normally. Because it’s a project funded by a non-profit

and have only succeeded in headbutting you and slicing your lip in two places. You have received two noise complaints and you’re about one police visit away from giving your landlord ample reason to kick your vociferous ass to the curb.

And to make matters worse, you are so wasted the room is spinning like your little brother’s Beyblade. Good luck trying to call in sick tomorrow — you’ll need nothing less than a gurney and toe tag to pull the wool over their eyes this time.

organization, when it does hit the market (which is projected to be within two years), it should be relatively cheap. And in case babies are yearned for later in one’s life, the process is also reversible. Unlike most birth control methods, however, the shot does not prevent from all sexually transmitted diseases and infections.

The future of equality is well underway, and if you ask me, male contraceptive measures like Vasalgel are a decent step into this future.

OPINIONS

To the editors of The Peak: Re: “Why SFU must have a Men’s Centre” I was initially excited when I saw the cover of the latest edition. Men’s issues is often a topic only seen fit to parody, as The Peak has done in the past. I assumed the cover was a tongue in cheek joke, as painting a safe space for men as a boys club is tired rhetoric. The tagline that “SFU needs to build a Men’s Centre for the right reasons,” is however a bit verbose, it would be akin to saying that SFU needs to continue funding the Women’s Centre “for the right reasons.” As I read the article it came to light that it was less a discussion of the possibility of a Men’s Centre, and more an endorsement of the Women’s Centre.

The thing is, no one needs to be convinced at this point that women’s issues need to be addressed, however the same can not be said about men’s issues.

Look at what’s going on at Ryerson university.

In reading your article I have a few comments.

You comment that what’s needed is a movement by the community as opposed to a power play. I agree, I am a member and leader in that community; I’m the vice-president of the Simon Fraser University Advocacy for Men and Boys Club. Our mission is to increase the awareness of men’s issues on campus.

The question “Why isn’t there a Men’s Centre?” is often asked, and legitimately so. If your answer is that men’s problems don’t hold a candle to the issues of women, then you are ignorant of the facts. The statement that women are more likely to be violently victimized is patently false.

Men make up the vast majority of murder victims as well as non fatal assaults.

Men make up the vast majority of suicides and are equally likely to suffer domestic violence [this latter claim is disputed by multiple sources – ed]. That women are marginalized

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November 30, 2015

more than men is also suspect. Women make up the majority of university students, and women in the millennial generation are out earning their male counterparts.

After having read your article I looked at the cover in a more sober light. I am annoyed by the men’s inability to spell; this casts them as juvenile. [The sign that says] “no girls allowed” also harkens back to the tired trope of the boys club.

SFUAMB’s President is a woman. A majority of our volunteers are women.

Most of the people who stop by our tables to talk are women. We are open to all, we do not discriminate based on gender, creed, race or anything else.

There is only one place on campus that discriminates via gender. And that is the Women’s Centre.

I, however, take no issue with this, as long as the same would be permitted in theory for men: to set up a safe space to talk about our issues. This is one key way in which the Women’s Centre, though admirable for its inclusion of all genders, can not accommodate the needs of men. With the building of the new student union building slated to start, there is no excuse not to grant a space if requested.

If the thought of a group of men getting together scares you, your misandry is showing.

SFU prides itself for having such a long running Women’s Centre. A centre that has done good work and helped countless selfidentified women. Maybe SFU could find it in it’s heart to become one of the first Canadian Universities to start a Men’s Centre. In 20 years, SFU will again be proud that it stood on the right side of history.

Sincerely, Jesse Velay-Vitow Vice-President Simon Fraser University Advocacy for Men and Boys

WQB — writing, quantitative, breadth. Since I began at SFU in 2012, I have spent way too much time investing, financially and otherwise, in classes that have had nothing to do with my degree, my interests, or my academic skill.

These classes are supposed to make for ‘well-rounded’ students, but I’m not convinced that thet have been anything other than a massive waste of my time. In total, these requirements amount to 10 additional classes over the course of our studies — sometimes you luck out and a class just so happens to be a part of your degree program, but for the most part, we get screwed by these requirements. Ten courses, after all, amounts to over two full semesters’ worth of extra school, and can cost upwards of a few thousand dollars.

I have slogged through earth sciences and kinesiology, almost ripped my hair out taking archeology, and cried myself to sleep for fourth months as

I pushed myself through a Canadian history class. None of these classes led to a newfound interest in the given field, nor did they make me appreciate these subjects any more than I already did. The fact of the matter is that I would have rather explored different subjects on my own terms, without worrying that I was falling out of compliance with my graduation requirements.

SFU has built its reputation on being the a comprehensive university with diverse faculties, but there is fine line between being well-rounded, and stretching your studies too far over a variety of unrelated fields. Truth be told, there are plenty of unique courses at SFU that I am way more interested in than an introduction to some science topic, but I’m not going to have time to explore those subjects because of the amount of time I spent fulfilling my WQB requirements.

All of us are adults who should be allowed to have full control over our studies.

If someone wants to solely focus on computer science, then that’s their prerogative.

To force an academic interest where it does not exist is a waste of time, energy, and money. In herds, students consistently enroll in what has

been deemed “a good science class for an arts student,” but what does that even mean?

I imagine having massive groups of students enrol in a class solely because it has been deemed an ‘easy science credit’ is a massive inconvenience for those registered who are actually invested in that subject matter. I simply can’t contribute to a conversation the same way a student who is passionate in that subject can.

When I took BPK 110, I only met one kinesiology student over the course of the semester.

One. The rest of us were there only to complete our WQB requirements. I can’t imagine having to be a prof or a TA in a class where 90 per cent of the students are only there to check off a box on their transcript. I will be the first to admit that I don’t try as hard in my WQB classes, because I am simply uninterested and unmotivated.

Having huge swaths of students who are, without a doubt, more apathetic towards the subject creates a less desirable classroom atmosphere and more work for the educators, since they constantly have to help bridge the materials for students from other departments. Honestly, everyone walks away a winner when you let students decide what they should study.

Christmas in Song

Arts students enroll in what is deemed a “good science class for an arts student,” at but what does that The Sanctuary even mean? in Brentwood

1600 Delta Ave, Burnaby, BC

Sunday, Nov 29, 7:30pm

David Sinclair & Keith Bennett sing Christmas Classics $20 at the door

Sunday, Dec 13, 7:30pm

Miles Black, Glenda Rae, and Brett Wade – a benefit concert for the Dixon Transition Society $10/person & $25/family at the door

Wednesday, Dec 16, 8:00pm

Jazz Evensong with We 3 Queens by donation

Sunday, Dec 20, 10:00am

Christmas Worship with Brentwood Presbyterian and Burnaby Taiwanese Presbyterian – featuring the BTPC Choir by donation

Sunday, Dec 20, 3:00pm

Christmas with the Gospel Boys by donation

Thursday, Dec 24, 4:00pm

Lessons, Carols, and Candles with Brentwood Presbyterian Church by donation

Sunday, Dec 27, 7:30pm

Dalannah Gail Bowen sings Christmas Classics $20 at the door

thesanctuaryinbrentwood.com

12 OPINIONS

On Tuesday November 24, a group called the SFU White Student Union surfaced on Facebook, bringing the issue of white privilege and ignorance to the forefront of discussion on campus. Unsurprising in the least, student responses to the page have been heated and volatile since the page’s activation, with many immediately calling for its removal.

While the cries for the group’s banishment are justified, a majority of students are squandering an opportunity to open the gates of meaningful discussion on the grounds that they’d rather throw a fit on social media than talk productively with the other party.

Am I fan of a white student union? Not in the least. But, others tend to think otherwise, and the very least we could do is hear what they have to say about it. Whether they’re right or wrong is honestly unsubstantial — what is important is that we have the discussion in the first place. Respectfully listening to each party’s thoughts on the matter and engaging in worthwhile discussion could lead to both parties considering alternative perspectives in a critical manner.

Instead, however, we have grown adults throwing tantrums on message boards. This is frankly as embarrassing as it is disheartening, given our status as university students. As the leaders of tomorrow, we should be held to a higher standard of practice. We should

facilitate meaningful debate as opposed to an abrasive assault on the part of students with ignorant tendencies. After all, we came to university to learn and to become better people, not to tar and feather those in need of a reality check.

The fact of the matter is that people like being called racist just as much as they like being called stupid. It shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone why someone would be less inclined to gravitate towards discussion when they’ve just been compared to Hitler.

At the end of the day, a cheeky meme or angry criticism on a message board is about as unproductive as the creation of a white student union. Sarcastic comments on social media are comparable to a one-page cheat sheet in a first-year Earth Science course. If you think it’s going to be helpful, you’re sadly, sadly mistaken.

Part of the problem lies in how students present their arguments towards those in favour of something like such a union. Too often, edu cated individuals choose to impart knowledgeable insights to those with deficit with the tactful exuberance of Shylock collecting debts with a Louisville slugger. If people actually took the time to talk candidly and, dare I say, with some compassion, we might see some worthwhile results for a change.

Now, it’s worth taking into account that, recently, CBC and other news outlets report the rise of similar “White Student Union” Facebook pages in response to recent posts made by white supremacists on the Internet. This still doesn’t make it any less of an important topic to discuss. As we speak, White Student Union Facebook groups are sprouting up across the US as well as in Canada. This is reason alone to push away from our keyboards and begin to do something a touch more productive than posting a meme of Gene Wilder smirking.

November 30, 2015

Whoever first claimed that all publicity is good publicity had either lived a very charmed life until that point or invested in a very large bottle of vodka that night.

Depending on the circumstances, naively placing someone under an unsolicited spotlight can be downright cruel, no matter your intentions. Right now, nobody knows that better than the homeless population of New York City.

Recently, residents of the metropolis have taken to social media in an attempt to address the prominent issue of homelessness in their city, where over 57,700 people live in shelters, and many more have nowhere but the cold streets to call their own. Their goal is allegedly to draw the city’s attention to the problem of homelessness and push them to address it.

For instance, Facebook group Third & 33rd was created as a space where people could “share photos of disturbing things they see [in the streets] and push collectively for change,” according to group admin Lauren Pohl. Meanwhile, smartphone application Map the Homeless, developed

by Murray Hill resident David Fox, allows users to upload photos of homeless people to identify which areas have the

densest homeless populations.

Photos can be submitted with accompanying hashtags like #NeedsMedicalAid or #PassedOut, to alert people to the plights of the subjects.

Fortunately, the majority of New York’s participating citizens appear to be morally sound in their motives — helping both the disadvantaged and the city. Unfortunately, the relative privilege of your average New York citizen has blinded them to the idea that they may not, in fact, know how best to handle this issue.

None of these “activists” appear to have actually consulted members of the homeless popular on what kinds of aid they would benefit them most. Rather, they’ve decided for themselves what the ideal action plan would be. Never mind that the vast majority have neither experience with homelessness nor any other notable qualifications for taking charge of this situation.

It’s a very condescending way to offer assistance. They may be trying to help, but ultimately they’re treating homeless populations not as equals in need of aid but as children who don’t know what they’re doing and who aren’t in a position to understand these people’s needs.

Frankly, being showcased on the Internet in this manner might be the very last thing the homeless in New York need right now.

These photos paint them in a humiliating light, framing them as a problem to be solved rather than as disadvantaged individuals who deserve better.

When selecting hashtags, how often do you suppose the average user of Map the Homeless asks for a person’s name?

Their story? What they want, what they need? How often do you think people so much as stop to ask for permission to post that photo they just took?

Probably not often, if at all.

That’s really dehumanizing.

New York City cannot magically end homelessness and poverty overnight, no matter how much its citizens complain about it. Raising awareness sounds nice, but at the end of the day, if the city had a method to alleviate the issue, they would have to be truly monstrous not to have implemented it by now.

If people really want to help the homeless, perhaps they should take action themselves rather than complain to others on social media. One thing that any disadvantaged person can agree on is the value of a meal, or clean water, or shelter. There are volunteer and charity opportunities, and so many other ways to provide aid; methods that don’t compromise people’s privacy, and allow them to retain their dignity.

ARTS

arts editor email

November 30, 2015

Hotel rooms are both welcoming and alienating places; when you slide your key into the slot and enter into an empty room, everything inside simultaneously belongs to you and has a price.

M/Hotel, presented by battery opera, brought the audience and performers into close proximity last week as part of the Dance in Vancouver festival. It was curious and interactive, and drew its richness from the power of narrative.

The show included a marathon performances occurring every hour 12 times daily for three days at the Holiday Inn downtown. David McIntosh, artistic producer, stayed in the bar for that entire length of time to chat and answer questions.

Up to five audience members at a time shared unique one-hour experiences in a hotel room with two performers, who used dance, text, and music to tell stories. It pushed boundaries in the relationship

One of SFU’s newest performing arts groups is set to make its debut, helping add to the evolving culture scene on campus.

The brand-new SFU Chamber Choir will be joining the SFU Choir at their upcoming Winter Winds concert on December 5, with artistic director Melissa Ratcliff at the helm for both groups.

In a first for the SFU Choir, they will be performing a baroque piece in Carl Philipp Emanuel Bach’s Magnificat. The Chamber Choir will complement the concert by performing the Western Winds Mass by John Tavener, a five-movement composition that was reportedly

between audience and performer, the space of the stage, and the fluidity of “performativity” in such an intimate setting.

M/Hotel relies upon short narratives written by David McIntosh in and around hotel rooms over the course of a year.

There are 36 possible variations of the show, so each time slot is a truly unique performance.

I chatted with David in the relaxed hotel bar between shows, and he pointed out the energy variations in the show. Every one changes, he said, depending on who is present in the audience, and even the performers often can’t anticipate exactly what their partner will do.

The audience themselves responded differently within the performance space. Some became uncomfortable and perch on the wall to spectate, while others were relaxed — even to the point of getting into the bed and napping.

Hotels are places of monetary exchange, and this economic necessity was symbolized at the start of the performance in the hotel bar.

A man explained where our room was and requested both money and a set of house keys from the participants. Unwilling at first, I decided to hand over my keychain (what the

written by Henry VIII, although Ratcliff herself seems doubtful.

Ratcliff has been the driving force behind SFU Choir for a number of years now, and believes it is “a hidden gem in Vancouver,” comprised entirely of non-music students who simply have a passion for song. Even when she talks about her hopes

Tessa Perkins arts@the-peak.ca

13

heck!). He gave us a room number and sent us off up the stairs with a complicated set of instructions to find our room.

The two shows I saw were incredibly different, but had a similar structure. The first had two female performers; one acted out an improvised dance while holding my set of keys, and the other delivered a fascinating monologue about the power of smell in connection with memory.

The atmosphere felt formal, like we were taking part in someone else’s dream.

The second performance felt more casual; there was no sense of tragedy in the air like the first show.

In fact several times I laughed, despite its morbid story of an acrobat in the circus. With two male performers and a brighter room area, there was a new sense of playfulness that changed the way I read their actions. The story was less ambiguous, and cut through the air rather than pulling us along with it.

I have never viewed performances in such intimate settings.

Hotel rooms are spaces you never share with strangers, so there was

a delightful sense of awkwardness.

I felt a strong connection to the other audience members, and a strange distance from the performers. They were right beside us, but inaccessible.

The viewing took on a strange sense of voyeurism similar to film; though we shared the same confined space there was a tactile separation between viewer and performer almost like a lens.

The audience had a new power to dictate the mood of the performance, and it was the performers who responded.

for the new group, she prioritizes inspiring new members among the SFU student body.

“I’d love for the concert to be really successful and obviously sell a lot of tickets, but I’d really like to interest more of the music community at SFU and the area to come on out,” said Ratcliff.

“I’d like to get more of the local

talent who is interested in chamber music to come on out and audition for the choir. I’d love to have a longer roster of names.”

Now she’s expanded that goal to the Chamber Choir, a smaller group with whom she hopes to tackle a laundry list of pieces that weren’t suited to the larger ensemble.

“I kept getting requests to do [music] that was more challenging, more modern,” said Ratcliff.

“The problem with some of those pieces is that they don’t work in a group of 100. It’s just too complex and ornate.”

The choirs will go as far as Ratcliff takes them, and the choristers themselves feel the same way. Holly Steinson is a part of the new Chamber Choir, but has been with the SFU Choir since 2011. She wasn’t taking classes at SFU when she first started, but was brought to a rehearsal by her brother and hasn’t looked back since.

Steinson acknowledges that so far, the Chamber Choir has been a bit of a trial run, as the group is still in their first semester and are suffering the

growing pains one might expect from a new group. However, she’s confident that their first performance will captivate the audience, in part due to Ratcliff’s leadership.

“Nobody is as close as the choir and their audience during performance [as Ratcliff],” according to Steinson. “Groups are only as good as the conductor, which means the sky’s the limit.

Our conductor is relatable, reliable, and knows her stuff.”

The mostly-student choirs won’t be the only local artists on display, as each of the soloists performing during Magnificat are up-and-comers in the Vancouver arts scene, mostly in the operatic world. The audience will be treated to Nancy Hasiuk, Erikka Griffiths-Keam, William George, and Andrew Greenwood as the soprano, alto, tenor, and baritone soloists, respectively.

If you are interested in attending the Winter Winds concert on December 5, tickets are available at the Brown Paper Tickets website, or at the door at Ryerson United Church.

ZACH SIDDIQUI

OPINIONS

“I didn’t know that SFU had a student newspaper at first. [. . .] The first article I read was a love letter to the Renaissance, and it felt like a love letter to my writer’s soul. I started writing for the paper and I was pleasantly surprised to find I got really good feedback on everything, because I’ve always loved writing but this is the first time I’ve ever done anything like this.”

First-year, Communications

16 ARTS

November 30, 2015

COMIC CONNOISSEUR

Daniel Radcliffe and James McAvoy star in this genre-confused film.

Do you prefer your Frankenshteene or -shtine? I’m more a “shteener” than a “shtiner,” but Paul McGuigan’s confused Victor Frankenstein is neither Mel Brooks parody nor classic gothic horror. The film shifts between tones without satisfying either connotation of these genres.

Victor Frankenstein is an origin story to Mary Shelley’s classic novel and the Universal monster flicks that it inspired. A hunchback (Daniel Radcliffe) is enslaved in a circus but freed by a local medical doctor, Victor Frankenstein (James McAvoy), in order to become an assistant in an ominous experiment.

Victor, a mad scientist with a nefarious laugh and all, names him Igor (not I-gor) after draining fluid from his hunchback and straightening his posture.

Later, despite some mild tentativeness on Igor’s part, he helps his new master create life, and eventually, a violent, undead monster. Meanwhile, a local detective and religious fanatic tries to arrest Frankenstein, a proto-scientist, for playing God and trying to create life.

At the lifeless heart of the film is a clash between science and religion, dogma and observable research. Frankenstein is a scientist with a god complex, a man trying to create life “in his own image” who is surrounded by modernist technologies with clocks, spindles, and gizmos.

Frankenstein is a contemporary deity — at one point he even asks Igor to “believe in him.” The detective, on the other hand, is a devout Christian who thinks Frankenstein’s secular worldview must be squashed in his rosaryclenching palm.

But, in a foray of campy dialogue, half-rendered CGI, and bonkers performances, the themes from Max Landis’ screenplay bog down what could be a potentially fun Bmovie, and point to a deeprooted tension between Shelley’s original text and Landis’ revisionist tendencies. Where the original story cautioned against playing God, the message in Victor Frankenstein condescends the Christian detective, viewing them as an illogical fanatic in order to

pander towards a more current and scientifically-inclined audience.

It’s not a thoughtful or scary Frankenstein, but it’s hardly a fun “Frankenshteen” flick, either. Paul McGuigan begins the film with steam-punk bravado, evoking a never-made Guy Ritchie Frankenstein, but he almost never finds an interesting style or perspective for this story. The monsters suck! The action is too sanitized while the film unabashedly boring. For a story rooted in gothic lore, modernist invention, and expressionist imagery, McGuigan’s direction of the visuals is barely functional.

McAvoy and Radcliffe do their best in poorlywritten roles to defibrillate this corpse of a film, which is long dead, but the rough editing that covers the violence like a parent’s overprotective hand certainly doesn’t help find any pulse either.

Victor Frankenstein isn’t imaginative enough, scary enough, or crazy enough.

When one character calls the mad scientist “Frankensteen,” calling back to the running gag in Mel Brooks’ The Young Frankenstein , it’s already clear this film isn’t witty parody, entertaining camp, or thoughtful horror. Neither a “shteener” nor a “shtiner,” this film is a “shtinker.”

At a slim 66 pages, Hobo Mom can seem a little underwhelming as a graphic novel, given that most mainstream comics are about twice the size. However, as the old adage goes, one should never judge a book by its cover — or, in this case, its thickness. Sure, it’s cliche, but that is beside the point. In a fraction of the pages of a typical graphic novel, this story packs an unquestionable emotional wallop leaving its readers with one contextually complex story of heartache.

Hobo Mom follows the story of Natasha, a homeless mother who returns home to her estranged family. After many years apart, the wayward matriarch seeks to mend the past with her embittered husband and rekindle a relationship with her daughter, Sissy. Disguised as a friend of the family, Natasha begins to fashion a strong bond with her young child, much to the displeasure of her spouse, who still harbours a chip on his shoulder. However, as the family begins to come together as it once was, Natasha cannot help but feel drawn to escape the life she has just returned to.

The strength of the narrative rests not on what is provided in

the story, but on what is missing from it. While a lack of exposition can in many situations contribute to confusion on the part of the audience, it works to the strength of Hobo Mom, enriching the overall experience for its readers. Part of what enlivens the tale is coming up with your own theories and ideas surrounding the origins and motives of each of the story’s characters.

Another one of its strengths lies in its three main characters, all of whom help make the reading experience both balanced and captivating. Readers can enjoy different levels of perspicacity as they focus on each character’s story arc coming full circle. Interactions between the story’s leads are poignant and tender, serving as a strong reason for the comic’s success.

Most engrossing of all, Hobo Mom explores the implication surrounding the right for all of us to be happy, and how this concept is inherently problematic. Through its pages, we can see firsthand the proof that happiness comes at great personal sacrifice — a price not as easily paid as some would have you believe.

It’s short and bittersweet; Charles Forsman and Max de Radigues have put together an engrossing and emotionally draining masterstroke of fiction. Chalk full of near-infinite depth and complexity, Hobo Mom might look like a graphic novel to pass up, when in actuality it is worthy of remembrance well after its final page.

ARTS

IF the Poet follows Canadian slam poet IF (Ian French) on his journey to the 2014 Canadian Individual Poetry Slam Championship and through to the World Cup of Slam Poetry in Paris.

This documentary is a unique portrait of an aging artist on a scene dominated by younger and angrier poets. What makes IF stand out among these younger poets is his passion for the craft.

As mentor and fellow slam poet Ian Keteku says in the film, “he

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November 30, 2015

works the hardest that I’ve ever seen a poet work.”

That is not to say that there is no passion in his competitors. The documentary also spoke with Porsha O. from the United States, and Catherine Belleau-Arsenault from Quebec. Both of these women have drive that is equal to IF’s, but they convey it differently. The brief shift in focus from IF to his competitors did not diminish the documentary’s power, and complemented contrasting the poets.

Aside from following the path IF took to the World Cup, the film also documents the evolution of a friendship between IF and Keteku. Early in the documentary their relationship is one between mentor and mentee, but after the Canadian Championships their relationship transforms into one of friendship and balance.

IF the Poet also manages to capture the feeling of spoken word and the importance of performance.

When hearing the first lines of poetry IF speaks in the documentary, I was instantly covered in

Ian French took the slam poetry world by storm. goosebumps, and in this moment I was taken back to the feeling when I first heard Allen Ginsberg read “Howl” — I needed to hear more.

This is what the documentary does expertly: it makes you want to hear more; not only of IF’s work, but also the work of the other poets that were briefly featured alongside him.

My initial reaction was that this film could have been longer, but thinking back to certain documentaries I have watched, I realized that I was mistaken.

The pacing was perfect for the runtime; it was engaging, and even did what most films don’t — it quit while it was ahead.

This kind of engagement left me wanting just enough that I was willing to seek out more of IF’s poetry.

Photo courtesy of CBC

IF the Poet is one of the best documentaries I have seen in a while, and I highly recommend it. While it might not dig deep enough for a hardcore slam poetry fans, for the majority of people it digs plenty, and may encourage some — like me — to dig deeper on their own.

NOTICE OF ACCREDITATION VISIT AND INVITATION TO COMMENT With no comparable national quality-assurance organization in Canada, Simon Fraser University (SFU) has applied for formal accreditation in the United States from the Washington-based Northwest Commission on Colleges and Universities (NWCCU).

Dinosaurs roamed the earth 65.5 million years ago. For those of us who were not alive back then, Jurassic Parody brings these amazing creatures back to life. Through some DNA splicing, this jukebox musical filled up the York Theatre from November 17–21. Brought to us by the “nerdlesque” group Geekenders, the show was a true parody, full of clowning and caricature.

The costumes were absolutely gorgeous. The sparkly green dinosaurs stood out on the stage, with brilliantly clever headpieces to denote the types of dinosaurs represented. The rest of the cast was bedecked in acutely accurate costumes to their film counterparts, helping the audience identify all the iconic characters.

Brilliant acting choices studded the performance, especially in portrayals of the main characters.

Standouts on this front were Stephan Blakley (Dr. Alan Grant), Rob Gillespie (John Hammond), Ryan Caron (Tim Murphy), and Graeme Thompson (Dr. Ian Malcolm). An especially hilarious and excellently delivered Old Spice commercial-inspired monologue from Thompson was one of the highlights of the show.

There were some great moments from the chorus of dinosaurs. Numbers such as “Toxic Love” and “Eating All the Kids” both boasted clever choreography and great vocals. The physicality of the sickly triceratops was exceedingly excellent, as was every number Alison Jenkins (as Tyrannosaurus Rex) performed. Jenkins’ voice and stage presence, as well as the vocal talents from Caitlin Carhoun (as Lex Murphy) and Jesse Alvarez (as Mr. DNA, Dr. Wu, Dodgson, and park guide), were high point of the show, as was her incredible stage presence.

The all-ages friendly performance also had great lighting design, with an effective use of gels and gobos (colours and shapes) to set each scene. The electric fence used throughout the performance was a genius idea cleverly implemented.

Unfortunately, some mic issues marred the show, as well as a few memorization stumbles.

The performance of “Putting It Together,” as well as some larger group numbers, too, were regrettably confused and off-key. Yet, despite these issues, the performance overall was enjoyable and entertaining.

But why Jurassic Park? Fairlith Harvey, writer of the musical and artistic director of Geekenders, says that “people who see that film love that film.” Stephen Blakley added, “I don’t think any movie I’ve ever seen captures that feeling of wonderment” in the same way as Jurassic Park.

Known for performing original pieces often based on iconic works, Ryan Caron said that the Geekenders love “telling stories in different ways.” The balance that must be maintained, says Harvey, is “making the performance accessible while still giving it layers.”

Jurassic Parody was certainly a spirited performance, full of stellar moments and memorable numbers. It was a hilarious romp into the land of the dinosaurs, and one I would gladly watch again.

Upon completion, SFU will become the first major Canadian research university to be so accredited.

AMONG THE BENEFITS OF ACCREDITATION: § Regular external assessment of SFU’s adherence to best-practice standards will increase our accountability to stakeholders.

§ Accreditation will help establish clearer benchmarks/standards for assessing learning outcomes and thus benefit students’ learning experiences.

§ Accreditation will enhance the value of an SFU degree for alumni abroad and for international students returning home.

§ Accreditation will simplify our relationships with US institutions, including government, foundations and collegiate sports associations.

§ Accreditation will foster public confidence in SFU’s ability to fulfill its stated mission and goals.

The independent, non-profit NWCCU accepted SFU’s application for candidacy in January 2012. The full accreditation process, which is based on a series of SFU self-assessments and NWCCU member peer reviews, will be completed in 2016.

As part of the process, a team of senior administrators and academic peers from accredited institutions will visit SFU on April 6-8, 2016 to conduct a comprehensive site evaluation for accreditation.

Members of the public are invited to send signed comments on SFU’s application for accreditation directly to the NWCCU at: Northwest Commission on Colleges and Universities Att’n: Third Party Comment Suite 100 – 8060 165th Avenue N.E. Redmond, WA 98052 Telephone: (425) 558-4224 The deadline for comments is March 4, 2016. The NWCCU will forward all signed comments to SFU and the site evaluation committee.

For more information, and to review the NWCCU’s Policy A-5, Public Notification and Third Party Comments Regarding Full-Scale Evaluations, visit www.nwccu.org

18 ARTS

November 30, 2015

Adele

Big Grams

Kendrick Lamar To

Lianne La Havas

ZHU

Released November 20

Released September 25

Released March 15

Released July 31

Released November 6

Step one: pile your car up with your closest of friends and several blankets. Step two: drive in silence to a beautiful, scenic park — one in which you can star-gaze (perhaps up on top of the mountain). Step three: plug Adele’s latest album into your CD player. Step four: hit play, crank the sound up real loud, and lay on the your blanket while staring at the sky. Oh, and don’t worry about getting cold — your tears will warm you right up. You will feel things that never seemed real.

Adele’s 25 presents an out-of-body experience, one that will you will never forget.

When a rapper and an electronic rocker announce an EP together, it’s hard to predict just how well they will pair. It could either turn out like Triple O’s questionable peanut butter and jalapeno burger, or it could become a 21st century classic like Netflix and chill. Just like the latter, Phantogram and Big Boi’s debut EP killed it. In my eyes, their album is not merely one of the best of 2015, but of all time. Each of the seven tracks belonging to this black and gold album is crafted meticulously to get you to feel things.

Personally, I feel like jamming out.

You can’t not — I dare you.

In 2008, he blew us away with Section.80. In 2012, it was Good Kid, M.A.A.D City, and this year, it was To Pimp A Butterfly. Beginning with the early release of his track “i,” audiences worldwide could already tell that Kendrick Lamar had something incredible in store, and boy, did he ever. Aside from winning a whole bunch of Grammys over the past several years, there’s something about Kendrick that most of other rappers lack. To Pimp A Butterfly remains a unique, creative, and passionate experience.

My favourite tracks on the album are “Alright,” “King Kunta,” and “Wesley’s Theory.”

Singer/songwriter Lianne Charlotte Barnes is a British-born star. Her very first album won her iTunes’ album of the year back in 2012.

Her second album, Blood, is just as good, if not better. Havas’ vocals are authentic, like Adele’s but in a different genre. She is more a combination of soul, folk, and R&B, and her voice is so, so beautiful. I recommend this album when you’re feeling good, or even not so good. I recommend it when you’re driving, when you’re crying, when you’re showering — this album is so distinct in its genre and yet fits every occasion perfectly.

I think I’m slowly discovering that I am no longer a concert person. But, when it comes to ZHU, I would hop on a boat, a plane, a train — anything, really — to see him perform. ZHU doesn’t just give you EDM served on a platter.

With him, you’re in for a 10-course meal, ranging from reggae to jazz.

He deviously released this EP one track at a time over several weeks, he produces sounds so smoothly and uniquely you’ll find each one of his six songs at the top of your Most Played playlist. Fun fact: every single song on the EP is a single. If that doesn’t make you realize that this is easily one of the best EPs of all time, I’m not sure what will.

Translated from Francois Archambault’s Tu te souviendras de moi, this play is an intense family drama brought to life with sharp writing and nuanced performances from the entire cast.

Edouard (Kevin McNulty), an aging former professor and outspoken intellectual, develops dementia while retaining his meticulous historical memory for dates and details. His family struggles to cope with his constant short term memory failure, which grows worse. Madeleine (Patti Allan), his wife, needs a break from looking after him, and they

show up unannounced at their daughter’s house.

Their daughter Isabelle (Marci T. House) is a stressed-out reporter who has to leave for an assignment, and her partner Patrick (Craig Erickson) offers to look after Edouard for the weekend. The two of them become friends despite Edouard constantly forgetting his name and reverting to calling him Michel, who was Isabelle’s ex. Patrick has some fun when Edouard keeps asking him what he does for a living, and changes his answer each time — each answer more outlandish than the last.

One evening, Patrick hires his daughter Berenice (Sereana Malani) to watch Edouard for him while he goes to play poker with his buddies. The scene with Edouard asking if Berenice is one of his former students and if they have slept together was wonderfully funny.

She finally gets him to write in his trusty notebook about “the girl with the brown hair” who is “Patrick’s daughter.” After he reads this he

has a moment of recognition before falling back into confusion and asking “who’s Patrick?” Berenice becomes exasperated with him, but their relationship grows, and the way she begins to care about him is touching.

Berenice discovers that Edouard had another daughter who committed suicide, and that he used to call her by her middle name, Berenice. After a confused episode in which Edouard begins to think she is that same Berenice, she decides to go along with it. This moment when Berenice decides to impersonate his deceased daughter was a turning point in the play and a huge ethical dilemma that we were forced to confront. Was it the right thing for her to do? It seems to be therapeutic for Edouard to talk to Berenice, but does that forgive the dishonesty?

Meanwhile, Madeleine drops the bomb that she’s met another man and will be leaving Edouard with Isabelle for good. So many complex themes about family

dynamics, dementia, love, unsolved trauma, and aging were dealt with in this intricately woven play that also manages to weave political tensions in Quebec into the story. By the end of the play Edouard realizes that the immediate moment is enough to keep him going, and we all feel more

appreciative of our ability to remember the past, and more conscious of our lives in the present.

25

Big Grams (EP)

Pimp a Butterfly

Blood

Genesis Series (EP)

You Will Remember Me was presented by Ruby Slippers Theatre November 17-28 at The Cultch. For more info, visit thecultch.com.

SPORTS

sports editor email

November 30, 2015

Have you ever wanted to play basketball for the SFU Clan? Well, now may be your chance. The women’s basketball team is going through an injury crisis the likes of which Head Coach Bruce Langford has never seen. The team is so desperate for players that they’re looking to the student body to fill the gap for the injured players. No matter what position you play, you will be welcomed to the team with open arms.

“Well, when you only have six or seven bodies you can’t afford to be too choosy,” explained Langford to The Peak. “If a person can play, if a person can shoot, if a person has a basketball IQ, [we’re looking for them].

“Everybody likes bigger or faster, but right now we’re in a position where [. . .] we need to find somebody who can sort of be the finger in the dam for the rest of this year to help us get through it.”

This all started over the team’s road trip, where, though the team won some games, they lost some players along the way.

“We had a good weekend in California where we won two games and lost one. And then we had a couple of injuries. Meg Wilson, who everyone would agree is probably one of our best players, is out for the rest of the year with compartment syndrome. [She will be] getting an operation in December, we hope.

“Then we lost Sophie Swant to a concussion, and we lost Sam Beauchamp to a knee injury that we’re not certain yet what that’s going to get diagnosed as. So we’re crossing our fingers. We’re down to six players which is a bit of a challenge for a season, so we’ll see.”

However, one former player has already stepped up to help

the team during this unprecedented injury crisis.

“One of our [former] players who played a year and a half and then became our trainer for the last couple of years, Rachel Halipchuk, we’re going to add her to the roster for the rest of the year. She knows what we do, she knows what we run, she’s athletic, she shoots the three a bit, so we’re excited to add another body.”

The NCAA has some strict rules regarding who is eligible to play. Players must have had 24 credits per year in each of the years that they have attended school, and taken at least 12 credits in their last full-time semester. For example, a thirdyear player has to have taken at least 24 credits every year previous to be NCAA eligible. “There’s just like nine pieces of the puzzle that need to be right in order to be certain they would be eligible. It’s a challenge.”

If you can ball, give Head Coach Bruce Langford a call at 604-614-4667, or email him at langford@sfu.ca.

Saturday night, SFU’s men’s basketball team played their last home game against Colorado Christian University before they open up their GNAC season December 3. Despite looking good for some stretches of the game, the Clan wasn’t able to put any solid runs together, and ended up losing 89–79.

“They’re a team that doesn’t make mistakes, and we’re still a team that makes those mistakes,” said Head Coach Virgil Hill after the game. “We keep shooting ourselves in the foot. Whether that’s missed free throws, turnovers, missed box outs, [or] rebounds [. . .] until we can complete those, we’re going to find ourselves in the same [situation].”

SFU dug themselves an early hole in this one, as the visitors ran

out to a 7–4 lead which quickly turned into a 14–8 lead. The Clan was missing easy buckets, and just couldn’t defend the three. The half ended with the team down 38–34.

SFU’s Michael Harper had a strong half with eight points as well as four defensive rebounds.

In the second half, SFU came out with renewed purpose and desire. Hidde Vos was able to hit a big three early on, and a bucket by Michael Harper gave the Clan their first lead of the game. However, they weren’t able to hold on to it for long. Colorado was deadly from behind the arc, finishing the game over 50 per cent from behind the three-point line. Despite junior Max Barkeley’s attempts to drag SFU back into the game — at one point boasting four straight threes — the Clan was subjected to their second straight loss the in two nights to the same team.

A big player in the Clan’s defeat was Colorado Christian’s Stefan Hackethal. Playing like a young Steph Curry, he finished the night with 28 points, and a ridiculous 70 per cent three point percentage.

“He didn’t do anything [in the previous game] that was noticeable,” explained coach Hill.

“Today, he comes out and all of a sudden he doesn’t miss a shot. We probably didn’t play him as well as we could.”

So what does Hill think needs to be improved the most heading into GNAC competition?

“I think it’s going to be guarding the ball in terms of penetration.

Nick Bondi sports@the-peak.ca

The GNAC teams are probably a little more athletic, so we have to be able to, one: stop them in transition, which most of the team are very good [at]; and two: get them to play five on five. Just keeping people in front of us and then hopefully get the rebound.”

The team’s first game against GNAC competition will be against Seattle Pacific at 5:15 p.m. on December 3 in the West Gym.

19

20 SPORTS

To many, football is widely recognized just for the physical contact, padding, and touchdowns, but for college players it’s a lifestyle that requires commitment, organization, and great mental awareness. From winning on the field to winning in the classroom, senior running back Alex Iezzi has brought his best effort with him through his journey as a part of the Clan over the past five years, from 2011–2015.

Alex’s story starts in London Ontario, where he played 12-man football as a running back on offense all throughout high school. However, his passion for athletics began at an early age when playing soccer.

“I played soccer for seven years when I was younger and that was my first sport. [. . .] I still really love watching and playing,” said Alex.

Schools such as Queens, McMasters, St. Francis Xavier, and SFU all expressed interest in Alex’s athletic ability during his final year of high school. Alex’s father’s advice to explore opportunities outside of Ontario helped him make the choice to move out west to play in the NCAA.

“My dad was born in Montreal and now works in Ontario, but he was moving around everywhere when he was younger and wanted me to experience the same thing [. . .] he was just telling me to get out and explore what’s out there.”

SFU provided Alex with the opportunity to explore western Canada, but it also gave him the chance to see different regions of the United States when traveling to football games.

“It was great to travel around and go to places like Los Angeles, Northern California, Las Vegas, and even Utah. I think that place is pretty cool.”

As is common for many freshman, Alex redshirted his first year at SFU, which gave him a chance to adjust to a new life in a new place. “Like many first-year students, I was a bit nervous for school because I didn’t know anyone, especially because I was from out of province,” said Alex.

The following year Alex made the decision to change positions and play defense after asking his coaches what the

November 30, 2015

fastest way to travel with the team and earn playtime on Saturdays would be.

“Coach Johnson [former SFU head football coach] sat me down in one of the tutorial rooms in west mall after our running back meetings during camp in August and told me that he could really use me on defense, since they were lacking some personnel at the slot corner position.”

Such a transition can prove challenging for any athlete, but going from a running back to a defensive back position requires a player to learn a completely different running technique and overall strategy for the game.

“I didn’t even [play] defensive at all in high school [. . .] defensive concepts, playing inside or outside the hash marks, covering receivers; these were things that were super foreign to me at the start,” he said.

Alex was up for the task, and his decision to move on from the running back position proved successful: he made an immediate impact on the team, earning extended playtime and helping the 2012 team establish its most successful season since entering the NCAA.

One of his most notable performance with SFU came during the penultimate game of his second year, when injuries forced him into the starting position against Humboldt State University. After starting the game trailing 24–0, Alex helped dig his team out of a deficit by recovering not one, but two separate fumbles from the Humboldt offense, and taking them both to the house for touchdowns.

“I was thrown into the Humboldt game which was extremely foggy and I was a bit nervous because of the atmosphere and the speed of the game [. . .] the first one came pretty easy since the ball right in front of me after the running back had fumbled it, but the second one took a bit more effort since I had to get off a blocker, grab the ball, and weave around the quarter to walk in for the touchdown.”

The following three years proved to be a bit of a challenge for Alex and many other football players as they experience playing for three different head coaches within that same period.

“There were a lot of coaching changes over the next few years and that forced me to change to the safety position since we were running different defensive schemes [. . .] at that point I wasn’t enjoying myself as much.

It wasn’t the same feeling I had during the second year since we constantly had new coaches and new things to learn.”

Entering the 2015 season with a new head coach, Alex made the decision to go back to running back position where he would be able to close out his collegiate career on his own terms. Lingering injuries kept him out of a few games this season, but Alex’s motivation and commitment helped him to finish what he started at SFU.

Alex plans to finish his undergraduate studies in the spring while training with the SFU Strength and Conditioning staff to showcase his abilities at combines for the 2016 CFL Draft. Alex is also considering staying in Vancouver to apply for graduate school and pursue a career in sports psychology.

SPORTS

November 30, 2015

The SFU football team battled to the final whistle this season despite posting a 0–9 record on the season.

Playing football at the university level is an incredible commitment. Not only is it arguably the most physically demanding team sport, it is also the most intellectually complex.

The Clan football team practiced four times a week during the season at 7:30 a.m. and also attended regular film sessions and team meetings to correct their in-game mistakes and prep for their upcoming opponents.

In the New Year, they will be back at it with three practices and two film sessions per week. Plus, there is the continuous training and

weightlifting, all of which are necessary to achieve success. It is truly a year-round commitment, one that most of the players have been engaged in since high school. I spoke with Head Coach Kelly Bates, who says the 2015 roster of the SFU Clan more than met his expectations for commitment, dedication, and perseverance.

What made this team so special is how well they played and how close they came to achieving multiple victories despite operating with a distinct disadvantage. In fact, in five of their nine games, the Clan had the lead or were tied at halftime.

In most games the team struggled to dress 50 healthy players

SFU volleyball started the year with victories over Seattle Pacific Falcons and Saint Martin’s Saints, and they finished the year in the same fashion. Back to back 3–0 and 3–1 wins over the Saints and Falcons respectively pushed the Clan over the .500 mark, finishing the season with a 15–13 record.

In their penultimate match against GNAC cellar dwellers Saint Martins, SFU was led by Tessa May, who had 11 kills and three blocks that night. Her sister Devon also had a strong outing, with eight kills and an ace.

The season finale against the SPU Falcons proved a stronger test. After a close first set that finished 25–23, the Clan kicked it into fifth gear and smoked the Falcons 25–9 in the second.

After halftime, though, SPU came out swinging and took the third 25–21. The Clan recovered in the

fourth, and finished off their season by winning 25–19.

SFU only lost one set in their final two matches. Commenting on the team’s defensive dominance, Head Coach Gina Schmidt said, “this was the second time we’ve played both teams and we were able to learn and take away some things from the first time we played them, and that helped us positionally and to know who their hitters were.”

Indeed, throughout the year defense was probably the most powerful part of SFU’s game. Libero Alison McKay was a standout player in that department, and was subsequently voted GNAC Defensive Player of the Year.

“I think first and foremost, her work ethic is unmatched,” said coach Schmidt. “Her teammates have the utmost respect for her because every day in practice she pushes herself.

“She has a very calm demeanor about her, so even when the pressure is on she’s able to stay cool and collected. I think that keeps other people around her very composed as well.”

At the beginning of the season, SFU was getting mixed results.

However, by the end of the season, the Clan had won six of their last seven and had become one of the hottest teams in GNAC. Much of this coach Schmidt attributed to a large amount of injuries that the SFU squad sustained in the middle of the season.

“We did have injuries to four different starters throughout the season. [. . .] We had a variety of different lineups, which is a credit to the depth on our team, that we were able to put out those lineups and still come away with victories in a lot of cases.”

Commenting on the year as a whole, coach Schmidt labelled the season a success. “We basically lost five starters from last year’s team [. . .] we had a true freshman starting, a couple sophomores, so it was a reasonably young team. Considering that we didn’t drop off at all compared to last season, I think it was a success.”

With a strong, experienced core returning next year, along with some new recruits, the Clan volleyball squad will have even higher expectations and will be looking to continue their winning ways in 2016.

competing against schools with double the roster size.

Coach Bates, who was hired last offseason, elaborated by stating, “as little as five years ago there were 110 kids on this team. That is a product of the coaching turnover.The last two off seasons there hasn’t been a coach to recruit. This year we tried to get ahead of it. We offered 40 kids for next year and we will offer 20 more. And we [have] started on the 2017 season already.”

One of the toughest challenges in football is battling through a winless season, knowing it probably is the last time you will ever play football. Coach Bates reflected on his graduating players: “I told the seniors we won’t waste the work they put into this team. As a group they have been outstanding.

There are some professional football players in that group. . . some guys who are going to be doctors [and] guys who are going to be huge contributors to society, which is really what we are aiming for at the end of the day.

21

“I wish I had them for two or three more years. I think they are special and it isn’t going to be easy to find new people to play where they were.”

One bright spot for the Clan was the play of middle linebacker Jordan Herdman. Jordan was able to win his second straight GNAC Defensive Player of the Year award, averaging 14.8 tackles per game to lead the GNAC. “Back to back defensive player of the year, two years in a row is a honour,” Herdman told The Peak.

“I’m very grateful.”

The SFU Clan football team should be incredibly proud of their 2015 season. “This offseason when I came aboard, every single player bought into what we were trying to do, knowing that it was a tough road ahead,” coach Bates reflected.

“I preached it from the get-go that I needed them to lay the foundation for us to move forward. I feel like they have done that. Their work ethic both on and off the season has been excellent.”

22 SPORTS

Not many things can arouse a sense of heartwarming patriotism like a well-sung national anthem. Whenever I hear the opening notes of “O Canada” or Dabrowski’s “Mazurka” (Poland’s national anthem), I immediately envision majestic beavers or mouth-watering pierogis, and feel incredibly proud of both my heritage and the great land I grew up in.

However, like a fine cheese, national anthems should be used sparingly and only for special occasions to maximize the patriotic tears emitted during their performance. This is why I have a beef with the frequency with which

Last weekend, the men’s hockey team travelled to Victoria to play two back-to-back games against the University of Victoria Vikes. While the first game was a convincing 4–1 win, the second game resulted in a disappointing 5–1 loss.

“We definitely played well on Friday, [a] total team effort,” explained Head Coach Mark Coletta.

“A lot of intensity, good forecheck, [. . .] but we didn’t have our whole game with us Saturday night, and the result ended up 5–1 their way.”

The loss on Saturday was made even worse by some injury news.

national anthems are played during sporting events in Canada and the USA. It’s just too much.

Before I get assailed with accusations that I’m an unpatriotic turncoat, I’d like to assure you that nothing could be further from the truth. I’ve always believed in the concept of (multi)nation-states, and I think that celebrating one’s culture and history through the medium of music is an enriching part of the human experience.

In fact, my patriotism is what makes me want to stop national anthems being overplayed.

By playing anthems all the time, their status is reduced to that of any other song that is blasted over stadium loudspeakers; and even though “We are the Champions” and “Thunderstruck” are cultural staples in their own right, they shouldn’t be treated the same as “The Star-Spangled Banner.”

Further, think about the multinational makeup of most sports teams in Canada and the USA. A prime example of this is the Vancouver Whitecaps. Their full roster features players from 16 different nationalities. There have

Forward Graham Smerek is “going to be out for a couple of weeks with a shoulder injury,” according to Coletta, and Adam Rossi is out with a “mild concussion,” while Lamont is serving a one-game suspension for fighting. As well, Jaret Babych is still on the sidelines and “probably won’t be ready” for Saturday night’s game against Trinity Western.

Perhaps the biggest storyline of the weekend was SFU forward Jono

November 30, 2015

Surrey native Sy Lovan has signed a national letter of intent to play for SFU. Lovan won double gold medals at the 2014 BC Summer Games, placing in both the individual and team category. He also finished 4th at the 2015 Eddie Hogan Cup, a competition featuring players from both the Western United States and Canada.

been many games this year wherein not a single Canadian player was on the field for the Caps, yet they sung the national anthem anyways. While the anthem pays homage to where the team is from, it definitely looks awkward when not a single startling lineup member is singing along.

There is definitely room for national anthems in sports, though. Look to Europe to see how it’s done right. Rather than playing anthems before their regular season matches, soccer teams usually have their own pump up song, such as Liverpool’s “You’ll Never Walk Alone.”

Doing this gives each team their own unique flair without crossing any nationalistic lines.

The only time national anthems are sung are during Cup Finals, giving the songs a greater meaning. Teams only get to earn the right to hear their anthem after they have traversed multiple grueling rounds of fierce competition.

Implementing this system in Canada and the US would be great for all sports enthusiasts.

Though fans would hear the anthems much less often, when played and sung, these anthems would truly honour the best that the country has to offer.

Ceci tying the BCIHL’s all-time scoring record. He got three points in Friday’s game to tie the record.

“Obviously we would have hoped he got three more points on Saturday, but it’s a great accomplishment,” said Coletta. “He’s been a great player for us, he’s proven his worth in our league, and now all he’s got to do is get one more to break it. It’s a tremendous feat, and it couldn’t have

happened to a better person. He’s a quality guy on and off the ice.”

Friday’s game featured a goal and an assist from forward Tyler Basham. He’s off to a terrific start this season, with 12 points through nine games, and is only a point off from matching his point total from all of last season.

“We always knew Tyler was an explosive player,” noted Coletta.

“We told him during the offseason that if he can consistently put it together, he’s going to get a lot of goals and a lot of point in our league. He’s so fast, he’s got a great shot, but he’s got to get constant looks at the net, and make sure he’s taking sure he’s taking advantage of these prime goal scoring opportunities.”

Jono Ceci and Tyler Basham both led the team on the road trip with three points, with Basham scoring in both games. Both Liem and Stanwood split the starts, with Liem getting the win on Friday, stopping 30 shots.

SFU libero Alison McKay has won the GNAC Defensive Player of the Year. The Port Moody native was also named to the First-Team All Conference. She finished second in the GNAC with an average of 6.09, and finished ninth in all of Division II. This is the first major award for the Volleyball program since their start playing in the NCAA.

Cruz Velasquez has been named NCAA Division II Super Region 3 Wrestler of the Week. He won all seven matches he competed in during the week, and has a success tally of 17–1 to start the season. He recently won the 133 pound weight class at the Spokane Open, going undefeated during the tournament.

The SFU men’s cross country team finished 12th at the NCAA Division II nationals, their best finish ever. Sophomore Oliver Jorgensen was the highest placing member of the Clan, finishing 48th, just outside the top 40 needed to earn NCAA AllAmerican honours. Last year, the team finished 20th.

DIVERSIONS / ETC

November 30, 2015

23

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24

HUMOUR

It’s been 10 long years since Bill O’Reilly declared that there was a “War on Christmas” by an alliance of those seeking to secularize the holiday and move it away from Christian roots.

Of course, this enflamed tensions at first with the neopagans, who pointed out that Christmas was the original Pagan holiday of Yule. Then Jewish people and people who actually celebrate Kwanzaa decided to promote their holidays in favour, and finally Muslims and atheists joined in to destroy a merry Christmas for us all.

We know the rest of the stories: the invasion of the North Pole, Jack Frost’s last stand,

With the semester done, papers handed in and the course evaluations completed, there remains one more thing that stands in your way: finals.

Regardless of what year or program you’re in, finals are the worst.

Our concentration is so strained that the most basic of daily tasks seem overwhelming. Is the font of our review guide shrinking, or are my eyes closing from lack of sleep? The emotional rollercoaster that comes with exam season hits everyone hard, regardless of the height requirement.

First, you get nostalgic. You reminisce on your first day, all smiley and fresh-faced. Remember when you actually had time to watch Orange is the New Black?

November 30, 2015

Santa Claus’s “Blood and Candy Canes” speech, the elven draft riots. Ten long years of conflict, brought to us by the same bastards that seek to scrub our Starbucks cups clean of Christmas cheer.

I arrived via reindeer-flown sled at the Green-n-Red Zone surrounding Santa’s Workshop in Christmas Village. I was told by a heavily-armed elf that I had to be “escorted, or else you could wind up in a situation hotter than an eggnog latte.” As I walked around, the holly-jolly atmosphere surrounding Christmas was dulled by the bitter siege, one most clearly exemplified by the elven families rationing Christmas cake — even with the risk of their children starving.

The workshop, once brightly lit by fresh red paint, was now bulletriddled and chipped away by years of brutal warfare. I walked in on a press conference where jolly ol’ Saint Nick turned out to be much more irate in temperament.

He yelled loudly, “a Jewish, African, pagan, Muslim, atheist, progressive, Illuminati alliance of heathens dares attack us and our beliefs! Thousands of years ago I almost lost a good pal, Jesus, to these

But then you’ve fallen into a time warp, because suddenly the prof starts talking about finals. You start hyperventilating, wondering if you were actually in lecture or if you were stuck on your couch for 13 weeks. Nothing looks familiar in your syllabus. Theory of relativity? Linear algebra? WHAT? Why did I ever

same types of people. If it weren’t for resurrection, I might have never seen him again.”

Santa ended the press conference, taking a cue from former prime minister Stephen Harper not to answer any reporters’ questions.

After leaving the workshop, I lit up a cigarette, only for the explosion of a bomb to go off nearby.

My elven body guards rushed me to safety while a nearby rabbi yelled, “Hanukkah now and forever, death to Christmas.” The

think that Ruby Rose was going to be on the final??

This causes you to question your life path. You begin to have an existential crisis, having intense inner dialogue running through your mind as you sit on the 145. “Why did I take poli sci?

Did I think that I was going to be a politician? Why are politicians

humour editor email

Jacey Gibb humour@the-peak.ca

guards shot at the man, flanked by an assorted other members of the anti-Christmas alliance. I got into a sleigh, which would take me away from the battlefield, when one of my bodyguards had his legs ripped apart by a grenade. In his dying words he whispered, “Tell my wife. . . the festive cups are coming back.” He died soon after handing me the address of the Starbucks she worked at.

I was transported back home, and descended into a

post-traumatic state that would give Lieutenant Dan from Forrest Gump a run for his money.

I drank vodka-spiked eggnogs like a bastard and had violent flashbacks during sex, only quelled by my girlfriend singing, “Let It Snow.”

I still haven’t visited my elven bodyguard’s wife, but when she asks how he died, I know what I’ll say. I’ll take a long sip on my eggnog and just repeat: “The horror, the horror.”

such lowlifes? Do politicians care about transit? Do politicians even take transit? Why does the 145 go so slow? Why are we stuck in traffic? Why are there so many people on this bus? WHY?!?!”

in your room as you eat your way into submission. You read your notes to the point where nothing makes sense anymore. You’re simultaneously hopeless and extremely pissed off at the fact that you’re technically directly paying for this stress via your tuition. By the time night falls, you’re drafting a backup plan of dropping out and becoming the next Steve Jobs.

Then comes the morning of.

You had a night filled with dreams of logarithms and Sigmund Freud.

You say to yourself, “I can do it.”

The Rocky theme song plays in your mind as you walk to the gym to write the exam. And you write until the very end, dropping the mic — er, exam — on the table as you leave.

A wise man once said to “Just do it.” So ace those exams and kick ass. Don’t let your dreams of getting those A’s be dreams.

You then reassure yourself that you’re on the right track.

You pat yourself on the back for all your achievements, like that one time you made your TA laugh with a punny joke. You tell yourself that what you’re doing is awesome.

But even puns can’t save your ship from sinking, as you fall deeper into your emotions. Suddenly there is an entire aisle of Mac’s convenience store supplies

HUMOUR

November 30, 2015

I thought, “Really? They picked THAT one?” and I thought they made a mistake. Between the first and second one I got a lot rejected, which is really tough.

With stand-up, I don’t know if there’s a single moment. What’s gratifying is looking back and seeing what I’ve gotten better at since I started. Even before you go on stage, thinking about how much more comfortable you are now.

Honestly, the most gratifying thing about stand-up is my parents have heard my material and aren’t ashamed of me.

What do you remember about The Peak from when you contributed years ago?

I was actually pretty raw as a cartoonist. I showed my stuff to the editor and he thought they were great.

I would just send in cartoons, and it felt really good because that was one of the first places where I got them published. I didn’t really have much contact with people in The Peak, but it was one of those steps along the way to, “I can do this.” It was a big deal for me at the time.

Jacey Gibb Humour Editor When it comes to comedy in Vancouver, Jacob Samuel is the epitome of a multitasker. In addition to producing the monthly WHY? Stand-up and performing his own stand-up, Samuel also regularly publishes original comics on the website The Daily Snooze. (He also contributed comics to your favourite SFU newspaper, The Peak, back in 2012.)

Read on to learn more about how The Simpsons plays into Samuel’s comedic origins, his proudest moments in comedy, and reflecting on being a terrible young person with his new show Teenage Dirtbag.

When did your relationship with comedy first begin?

I think it started because I watched The Simpsons, like three

to four times a day every day after school. It’s a certain brand of comedy that really turns you onto other types of comedy. I was actually never that into stand-up growing up; I wanted to be a writer, and my ideal job was to be a writer on The Simpsons. [. . .] When I was growing up I mumbled a lot, and I wasn’t really a performer, so that’s why I got into cartooning — to become a joke writer in any way possible. And then I sort of realized there was no way to meet anyone or network. You had to perform, otherwise no one takes you seriously; you’re just typing at home.

When I started doing stand-up, because it was never a dream of mine, I figured I had nothing to lose with it. I was expecting to kind of fail and not be good at it, so that made it easier, emotionally. But it was the right way to go about it.

How did you get into drawing comics?

I did my undergrad at McGill and there’s a humour magazine there called the Red Herring and I enjoyed reading it, so I thought I’d contribute. I showed up late to a meeting and everyone was introducing themselves and I tried to make a

joke and no one laughed, so I left and never went back. I was so afraid of rejection from strangers. I had a few cartoon ideas I was trying to get someone else to draw, but they weren’t getting around to it, so I just did it. Even though I was really, really bad at drawing, I enjoyed the process a lot. So I’d post them on my blog and my friends would see it and people would be very nice and complimentary, so I started to think maybe I can be funny.

Our family friend is the cartoonist for the National Post, so I met with him and said I was interested in it, and he said “It doesn’t really matter how good your drawings are, as long as you’re getting your idea across and being funny. Being funny is more important than drawing.” So it was pretty encouraging.

What can people expect from the new show you’re going to be producing at Hot Art Wet City?

The show’s called Teenage Dirtbag, and you can expect different performers — stand-up, improv, sketch — telling stories and jokes about their most painful memories of growing up. It’s about exploring the idea of why teenagers are shitty, and your relationship with your past self. I like the idea of reflecting on your growth as a person. I meet people as adults and I always wonder what they were like as a teenager, or what they would’ve been like in high school.

Do you have any advice for someone looking to get involved with the Vancouver comedy scene?

Try out different forms of comedy. Just because you’re not right for one doesn’t mean you can’t thrive in another. You might be someone who’s not good at performing, but you’re really good at producing shows. [. . .] Maybe you’re good at stand-up, or sketch, or a podcast. A lot of people give up when they’re bad at one thing, What’s the proudest moment but there are a lot of different that’s come from comedy, either things you can do to be part of the from stand-up or cartoons? comedy community.

For cartoons, probably the second time I sold one to The New Yorker.

Because the first one, I thought it might just be a fluke, so I wanted to get at least more than one. So the second time meant a lot. With the first one, there was so much doubt.

25

SFU students, Thank you for your support with this column.

Thank you, friends at The Peak, for hiding that one typo (you know) from our Editor-inChief Max. You look out for me.

Thank you to my beautiful girlfriend Elizabeth, who stayed up with me through late nights of searching for the perfect writing advice. Thank you for the endless toe massages, for reading me to sleep with countless Wiktionary pages, and for giving me the soothing, gentle haircuts that I needed, even when I didn’t know how to ask for them.

This week’s advice is about being sentimental. Sentimentality can be a powerful force in your final essays, SFU students. It adds personalization.

Maybe it can cheer you up, and remind you there’s still good in the world.

I’m just. . . My DJing career tanked. It’s gone. I applied to venues, like the nightclub; to theatres, like the Queen Elizabeth and Cineplex Odeon; to commodores, like the Commodore, to no avail. I tried busking, but I didn’t have electricity. I simply sung the latest top 40 hits with an acoustic guitar; passersby told me that I was no DJ. It’s been two weeks of this. I’m exhausted.

I’m almost finished at SFU. Five years ago, I was full of hope.

I looked from the skyscraper that is university life onto a city of glimmering lights. In their rows and circles, I would see lives to live. Stories to tell. Tight beats to be spun.

Now I just see lights.

I almost have the degree, but what’s that piece of paper?

What’s paper that will read “Joel” without “DJ” before it? . . . But, SFU students, those lights? I’m gonna walk out into them. With a stomach of hot, fresh Peak articles; with a heart of hope. I’m gonna find my title.

We all need to find our titles.

SFU students, you are the freshest. You are the illest.

Never put down your hope.

Joel MacKenzie

26 HUMOUR

November 30, 2015

A controversial announcement surfaced in Whistler this weekend which could very well change the Christmas landscape forever. Over caviar and Dom Perignon, the leading fat cats of North America’s most prolific supermarket chains announced a controversial decision to scrap Halloween 2016 in favor of creating more space for Christmasthemed paraphernalia and primetime advertisement spots.

Retail stores from all across North America have reportedly already discarded plans to display any Halloween products and related promotions next fall. It is also reported that some companies have already begun marketing preparation for the next batch of nonsensical consumer fads, such as the recently announced Snoop Dogg’s Easy Baked Oven and Mr. T’s refurbished line of Xrated Shrinky Dinks.

While the contentious decision has left some divided, an unforeseen amount of consumers have

recently spoke up in favour of Halloween’s dismissal. For a strong majority of Yuletide yahoos, the reception has been warmer than a toasting yule log and nothing short of an early Christmas present.

“I’m sure the little kids will be bitching about it the most, but that’s life. It’ll be good for their little minds to get the kick in the head they sorely need,” said SFU education major Hernando Castro. “Besides, this is going to

give me such a head start on my Christmas shopping.”

Pending on the success of next year’s supersized Christmas, sources say Halloween could be canceled indefinitely.

Halloween enthusiasts, on the other hand, have taken the news hardest of all. Citing the loss of the ghoulish holiday as a horror in line with the bite of a razor blade apple.

That’s right: gone are the days of knocking on stranger’s doors for

free candy and being scared shitless

by Halloween movie marathons, for Halloween has been laid to rest by jolly old Saint Nicholas and his pack of corporate tycoons.

One chairperson even took to his personal Facebook account, proclaiming excitedly: “The people have spoken loud and clear with their wallets. They want more Christmas, and by jove, we will give them what they asked for.

Suck it, Halloween.”

To get more insight into the announcement, The Peak sought out economics professor Fitz Ingram for further comment and what it could mean for the holiday landscape.

“Halloween just isn’t the money-maker it used to be. Tootsie rolls, pumpkins, and sexy Minion costumes — it’s just not enough to keep the average multi-million conglomerates sending their board members to Monaco and Venezuela,” said Ingram.

“Companies want to fleece us of every bit of cash we got. And the only way they can do it these days is by gutting Halloween like a Jack o’ Lantern and selling human-sized Toblerones to put in their kid’s stockings. Companies are taking the first steps to making Christmas a year-long extravaganza of marketing brilliance. And this is the first step in their master plan. Just you wait and see.”

With Halloween scrapped, people can expect to hear Yuletide butchering of their favourite Christmas songs by shoddy cover artists as early as midOctober. Those mourning Halloween’s passing are advised to eat their remaining candy stash slowly, for the age of trick or treat has set in the souls of every gore lord and scream queen across the Northwestern hemisphere.

WikiLeaks has dropped a bombshell right before the start of the UN Climate Change Conference in Paris: Justin Trudeau plans to replace petroleum with college students as the world’s leading energy source.

When asked by media about these revelations, the Canadian prime minister was unapologetic about his proposal.

“The world is facing both a serious energy crisis and a rise in global temperatures,” said Trudeau, outside of the Louvre. “The only way to combat

this is by finding a source of renewable, clean energy that is more available and efficient than solar, tidal, or nuclear.

We believe we have found that source, and that is in the natural hyperactivity found in college students worldwide.”

According to the WikiLeaks document, Canadian scientists had known about the immense power of stressed young adults since 2008. However, Stephen Harper muzzled the scientists in order to protect the “dignity of college students.” Justin Trudeau argues, however, that college students have no dignity during exam season.

“Let’s be real here. When you’re mixing Four Loko and Adderall and contemplating selling your 98 Corolla to that one guy who actually attended lecture in exchange for

his notes, you have no dignity left. You literally can’t sink any lower,” Trudeau said, citing his own experiences at McGill.

The following is a list of ways that Trudeau’s Student Energy Plan will be implemented.

Student tear harvester: Statistics Canada has shown year after year that the number of crying students drastically increases during finals, as they accept their impending doom. By using a system of funnels attached to popular student study spots, the government of Canada hopes to recycle the massive amounts of tears that these young scholars expel. The vast quantities of H2O captured through this system could be used to water drought-ridden fields, or it can be reintegrated back into the college environment and used to hydrate legions of thirsty undergrads unable to get a date.

Kinetic energy capturing vests: A lethal mixture of immense stress, no sleep, and copious amounts of coffee causes college students to shake uncontrollably during the weeks leading up to finals. The government of Canada hopes to capitalize on this rapid release of kinetic energy by attaching kinetic energy-capturing vests to all people enrolled in a post-secondary institution. Whenever students vibrate uncontrollably, the vests convert and store that kinetic energy. Once students finish their final exam, they will hand in their paper along with their vests, and then curl up into the fetal position, ready to be used once again by the government.

Fetal position sofas: The cost of making sofas is immense, and it represents an immense drain on the Canadian economy.

However, researchers at the University of Saskatchewan have discovered that after final exams, 93 per cent of students immediately enter the fetal position and hibernate until their next term begins.

Therefore, Canada, in partnership with IKEA, will be using college students as temporary sofas during their period of hibernation. “These students are the best material possible for making sofas,” said Canada’s Minister of Furniture Development.

“They’re rigid enough to put together and stack like Lego, yet quite plump to sit on as they’ve spent the last couple months being beaten down by assignments, exams, and the realization that they’ll never amount to anything in life.” No official word yet on what the new sofas will be called, but sources say the frontrunner is Hunoreschesuckers.

HUMOUR

November 30, 2015

27

28 LAST WORD

Editor-in-Chief email

Max Hill eic@the-peak.ca

November 30, 2015