The Essence of Life by The Penchant Literary Magazine

IrvingtonHighSchool’sCreativeWritingClubisastudent

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Meanwhile,monthly prompts,in clubcompetitions,andmajorwritingcontestsareprovidedtoallowmembers toexploretheimplicationsofwriting,improveontheirowntechniques,andreceive feedbackfromtheirfellowpeers.Thisyearonline,we’vestartedacollectivenovel, whereauthorsmaysubmitchaptersandtakethestorywheretheywouldliketoseeitgo. Overall,ourcollectivemissionistoenablethestudentsofIrvingtontowritewhatthey wishandhavetheirvoicesheard.Allimagesusedareeithersubmittedtousorpublic domain,CC0photos

Membersgetatasteofpublication throughsubmittingtoThePenchant,ouronlineliterarymagazine

run,interest basedclub dedicatedtoprovidingawelcomingenvironmentforwritersofallkindstoconveneand sharetheirideasoutsideofanacademicsetting

Allrightsremainreservedtotheiroriginalowners,forthosethat havespecifiedsuchguidelines

Essence8bySophieLeung pg46

Fong,Anonymous TableofContents

Essence4byMandyLiu-pg16

Khloe

Essence1byHarryWu-pg4

Essence2bySerinWee pg9

Essence10byArindamDattaandButterfly-pg52

ArtworkCredits

Essence7byAnonymous-pg44

Essence5byRed pg28

PenchantNovelist OjasVatsyayan Layout HelenSophieYuanLeung MandyLiu

Essence3byThejashreeKameshraj pg12

Essence9byJorgePalacios pg51

Essence6byAnonymous pg41

Essence11byOjasVatsyayan pg69

La Estoica waspaintedwithpastelcolors thatdirectlyjuxtaposedeachother

Thatportraitrightthere.Theoneproppednexttotheunstirringandsculpture like coupleinthatembellishedstateroom. Itwas La Estoica.TheStoicLady.18thcenturySpain.Painterunknown.Subject inpaintingalsounknown

notfullynoir butstilldarkandunrelenting. EmmelineFroustwasunmoving.Well,alltheFroustswere.ButMrsFroustwas thetypethatwasthefirmmarblestatuewhenGrandmaMarydrownedonthe Empress of Ireland aboutadecadeago.ShewasthekindofstayfirmwhentheLondonestateburned down.Theonetoremainunmovedbyalltragedy evenOedipusRex’sfatecouldnot comeclosetomovingher.Unmovingdoesnotmeandispassionate,however,forMrs Frousthadthelargestcollectionofexoticpaintingsandjewelryintheworld,including La Estoica Andafteranarduousjourneyofcollectingforeignartandwitnessinginert tragedies,MrandMrsFroustdecidedtoreturntoAmericaonthemaidenvoyageofthe Titanic.Thesplendorsoftheshiphadnotpleasedeitherofthem.MrFroust,yousee,Mr GeraldReedFroust,wasnotamaneasilyimpressed.Moreunmovingthanhiswifeand moredisinterestedinanything,evenMrsFroust’spaintings.

MrsFroustcouldn'tcarelessaboutMrFroust.Sheletthepaintingbedisplayedin theparlorrightnexttothefireplaceandthesafe.

Apale,whitefacewithadarkredsliveroflipsona pureblackbackground.Darkeyes

ByHarryWu

Nothingwasknownaboutthepainting,withtheexceptionthat theFroustsboughtitatafleamarketfromavendorinBilbao. Itwasdubbedthemostapatheticandimpersonalpaintingofthecentury.Itwas unmoving,harsh,cold,gruesome,even.Mostimportantly,itwasimpersonal.Still,the Froustsconsideredittheirmostpersonalpossession.Why?Becauseitwasexactlylike theFrousts.Unmoving.Harsh.Cold.Gruesome,even.Ifnotforthepainting’soriginsin Spain,onemayhaveevenassumedthatthepaintingwasofMrsFroustherself. Thecolorsweresuperbbutfrightening.

Everydaypassengerspouredintothegildedroomtoglanceattheportrait,togaze ponderouslyatthefaceof La Estoica,wonderingwhenshewouldevenslightlycracka smilefromthatunrelentingcrevasseofamouthormaybeevenrolldownasingletear fromthatbone coldvoidofaneye.Butnever.

EssenceOne:WeepingPastel

Thenextdayspassedquickly,withpassengerscomingandgoingintheparlorlike amuseumexhibit.MrsFroustmadesuretofeatheranddusttheframeeverynightbefore 4

Onthefourthnight,whiledusting

“There’sbeenanaccident thecaptainrequireswomenandchildreninthe lifeboats.MrsFroust youbettergetintoaboat.” Therewasthenquiteadecentamountoftalkingandwalkingandshouting betweenthetwoforanhour.MrsFroustpointedurgentlyatthestill

Thedoorslammedshut Distantly,aconversationdiminishedinvolume.

Avoiceechoedfromthebedroom

Shesighed,puttingdownthefeatherduster.

La Estoica multiple times,onlytobedeflectedbyaninsistentMrFrousteverytime.Eventually,thewoman regretfullygaveinandtheFroustsfittedonlifejacketsandleftforthedeck

Theroomwaspitchdark,likegazingintotheportrait’sunrelentingeyes La Estoica staredsilentlyintothenightlyvoid, completelyblendedandamalgamatedwhen thedoorsuddenlyopened.Aninfluxoflightpouredintotheroomoncemore, brighteningthechamber.

“Isometimesdowanttoleaveandgobemyself,butmyMrFroustwouldbeleft allalone.Lonelyandemotionless.AndIcan’thavethat.Butyoudon’thavethat.You canbeyourself.”

“Iknowtheremustbesomeemotionunderthoseblankeyesofyours You’rejust afraidtoshowit Don’tworry,samehere Iwastaughtthattoremainunmovingisthe best.Laughtoomuchorcrytoomuchandpeoplewilleitherbeoffendedorthinkyou’re uptosomething.Butwe’realonenow.Noonetojudge.”

“Darling?” MrsFroustrepliedasharp“comingnow!”andsmiledherfinalwarmmaskbefore returningtohercorpse likestateandleavingforthebedroom.Thelightsdimmedas La Estoica’spiercingeyesstaredonintothedarkness,pondering…wondering…

Thenextmomentswereablur

MrandMrsFroust,asusual,didnotminduntila stewardknockedontheirdoor.

“Ihearthey’relettingmeninsomeoftheboats,MrFroust.OfficerMurdochis relaxedwiththerules;perhapsyoucouldgetinonewithyourwife,”saidoneman. “Holdon,”utteredafranticMrFroust,andthehallfilledwiththeincreasing volumeofsteadyfootsteps.

headingtobedwhileMrFroustlookedongrumpily.

Aloudshakingrumbledtheskeletonoftheship overanhourago,rattlingtheroom

MrFroustranswiftlyintotheroom,reachingforthesafe.Afterafewquickturns ofthelock,theboxcrackedopenandthemanhurriedlystuffedhispocketswithgreen

La Estoica,MrsFrouststareddeepintohereyes and smiled.

La Estoica,takingadeepbreathandcollecting himselftosetanexampleforthejudgingportrait.

“Oh,nottodaynow.You’restayinghere.”

Darknessagain. La Stoica stoodstillerthanever.Itwasquietforalongwhilenow.

MrFroustwasthereagain,thistimehispocketsandhandsempty Hepacedtothe safeandfilledhiscoatwithmorebanknotesuntilhecouldcarrynomore.Andheeyed themetalboxagain,stillfullofbanknotes,beforequicklydashingoutwithalarge “slam!”ofthedoor.

Suddenly,aslightwhisperemergedfromtheothersideofthedoorinthehall. “Toomanypassengersaregoingbacktotheirroomstoretrievepossessions.Lock allthedoorsinthishallwayfromthefarendtodiscouragethis.”

Thoughthepanicwasnotobviouslydisplayedonhisface,MrFroust’seyes disclosedallhisurgencyandfear.Hispupilsweredilatedwithasweatingrageasthe manviciouslytugsatthedoor Heturnedaroundfiercelytoface

Thenextminuteswerefilledwithshufflesoffabric,crinklingofbanknotes,and thesnickeringofMrFroust.Beforelong,theentiresackwaspackedfullofbanknotes andthesafewascompletelyempty

Hesmiled,carryingtheheavybag,andturnedto leave,butnotbeforeglancingathiswife’sprizedpainting

banknotesuntiltheywerefulltothebrim.Heeyedthesafe,stillfilledwithbanknotes, beforerunningoutoncemore.

Abrisk“yessir”wasfollowedbythejinglingofkeysandtheturningoflocks. Theclankingandturningwerefaintatfirstbutgraduallyincreasedinvolume Thedoor attheendofthehall thedoorhalfwaydownthehall thenthedoorawallaway whensuddenlyclank!TheFrousts’doorshookforabriefsecondandafterasharp “click!”,thejanglingofthekeysdiminishedinvolumeasthefootstepsslowlyfaded…

MrFroustchuckledandturnedforthedoor.Ashetightlygraspedthedoorknob, hisfaceturned.Thedoorknobwouldnotbudge.Thedoorwaslockedshut.

Onlylightmurmurssoundedfromabovethedeckswhenloudfootstepscameoncemore. Thedoorburstopenagain.MrFroust,runningandpanting,rushedin,thistimeclosing thedoorbehindhimandflickingonthelightsbeforereachingintothesafeformore banknotes Heeyedthebanknotesfiercelybeforeturningforthebedroomdeeperinthesuite. Therewassomeloudrummaging.

Themanimpatientlygesturedathimselfandatthedoorleadingtothehallway, wheredistantscreamsandmurmursrangout.

“Howisitthatyouaresostillandcollected?Howcanyoubesoselfishasto

Thedoorslammedshutoncemore.Anddarknessfilled.Untilthefootstepscame andthedoorswungopenviolently,causinglighttofloodinoncemore.

MrFroustthenemergedfromthebedroom,carryingalargesack.Hechuckled, makinghiswaybacktothesafe.

“Onethousandeighthundred,onethousandninehundred…”

“Onehundred twohundred threehundred ” Theexhaustedman’scountingdiminishedasthescreamscame Theygrewlouder andlouderandfiercerandfiercer.Babiescriedwhilemothersscreamed.Menyelledand gunsfired.Splashesandsloshesandshrieksandscreeches.Buthereyeswerestill.Her facestilleryet.Theharshredpastelhardenedandstiffenedagainsttheerodedwhite pastel,noemotiontobeglancedupon.

Outofbreathanddefeated,MrFroustturnedaroundandfaced La Estoica

Themanangrilygrabbedhissackandturnedforthebedroomdoor.Frightenedby La Estoica’spersistentanddemeaningglance,MrFroustaddedon “Uh I’lljustretiretothebedroomto tocountthesebanknotes.”

Adefeatedwhisperfilledtheroom.

MrFroustbreaksdownonthefloor,defeated,poundingfuriouslyatthedoor.No onehearshimaseveryoneelseistoooccupiedwiththeirowntragedies. “Fine Youwin Ican’thandlethisanymore Why,howIwantedtogiveupthis horridlifestyle ButIcouldn’t Ihadtoappeasemywife’sdemands,yousee,andifIhad abandonedthisoldunmovingnaturethatweareknownfor gosh mypoorEmmeline wouldbeallalone ”

Thencamethewater.Theroom’sbrightlightflickeredanddancedasthecold tricklingstreamflowedfuriouslythroughthecracks,seepingthroughthedoor Itfilled thesuite,transformingthewarmcarpetintoafrigidsponge,thepleasantmahogany furnitureintoacoldblockofice.

Butastheswirling,coldgreenwateroftheunrelentingAtlanticsloshedat La Estoica,somethingchanged.Thepasteltrickleddownthecanvas,theboneywhite mixingwiththeblood red.Thedarkvoidofblackmixingwiththemagisterialfortressof purple.Thewatersplashedupthecanvasandraineddownastreamofwhite,red,black, andpurple Amyriadofcolors Arainbowsensation Thepaintingmelted La Estoica melted ThetearsofcoldAtlanticwater,carryingthewarmpaletteofpastelhues,rolled downherpalecheeks,leavingbehindapathoftintedsensation.Thewhitewasnolonger white,fordropbydropandinchbyinch,theseaengulfedthepainting,swirlingand fusingtheoncecontrastingpigmentsonthecanvas.

Thedesperateandsobbingmanpoundedthestiffandhardeneddoorfiercely,but therewasnotevenadent.Hescreamedandtoreandkickedandbashedbutnotasingle soulheardorlistened.And La Estoica calmlylookedon,hergazeunrelentingwitha hardenedglance.

La Estoica remainedunmoved. “Eighthundred…ninehundred…onethousand…”

ignoreallthissuffering?Whereareyourtears?Where’syouremotion?”

Hegesturedathisbagandswiftlyturnedforthebedroom,slammingthedoorshut behindhimtopreventthefiercewomanfrompeeringinonhim.

“Whatareyoulookingat?Gosh,I’mtalkingtoapainting”

Thescreamsgrewlouder

Theshipstressedinpleadingcries Chaoscontinuedin thedecksabove.Theparlorfilledwithwatermuchslowly.And La Estoica floatedinthe risingwater,hereyesfilledwithanamalgamationofburstingcolor.Thecanvasglided acrossthewater,passingaviewoftheporthole,wherehereyesglancedattheflying jewelryandthefloatingluxurydresses,followedbytherainofmen,women,and childrendroppingfromhighdepthsintothewaterbelow.Theysplashed,theircrescendo ofscreamsgrowing.Itwashorrificand

La Estoica wasabsorbingitallwithanemotional passion

Andasthewatercontinuedtoencasetheroom,thepastelwascarriedoffthe canvas,erodingintotheunwaveringicywater.

La Estoica allowedit.Asorrowfuland emotionalwaterfall.Emotional.Personal.But

La Estoica allowedit. Shewas La Estoica nolonger,butnooneknew.Forasthescreamsgrewandthe terrorheightened,theweepingpastelcontinuedrollingfromhereyes,downhercheeks, cryingthetragedyoftheFroustsandthelivesofthescreamingsoulsof Titanic with wistfullymiserabletearsintotherelentlesssea.

Aloudjerksoundedfromthebedroom.Ontheothersideofthedoor,soundsof shatteringglasspiercedwithastaccato.Thencamethesoundoftheviolentflowingof waterfillingthebedroom.Furnitureintheclosedbedroomswirledandslammedagainst thewallwithloudscratchingandchurning.Lightsflickeredwithafranticzap.Andthe countingceased

If only I could escape, just for one day, hethoughtashelistenedtotheboringspeechhis fatherwasmakingatthejointcouncil

"Um...islanddefenses?" "Bespecific." "Um....tightersecurityincaseofKindas?"

Hisfathermadesureheliveduptohisexpectations, andhismotherwouldconstantlyremindhimofhisdutiesasheirtobothtribes HislittlesisterLanididn'tmakethingsanybetter.Whenshewasborn,Koathoughtshe couldrelievehimofhisburdens,butno.Hewasstillnextinline.Tomakemattersworse, Laniwassoannoying!Shewouldconstantlyaskhimtoplaywithher,andthenwhenhe madeexcusesabouthavingthingstotakecareof,shewouldrespondwith,"Sincewhen didyoucareaboutyourtribalduties?"

TheonlypeopleKoafeltcomfortablearoundwerehisaunts,MacaiahandMidori.They weretheonlypeopleontheislandwhounderstoodhim,astheyhadbeeninhisposition before,inaway.Hewouldconfideinthem,andtheywoulddothesame.

EssenceTwo:Koa,SonofMalakai-Prelude

Everyoneexpectedtoomuchofhim

BySerinWee Koawassickofit.HewassickofhavingtheweightofIslandMalakuionhisshoulders, sickoftheCluhosseandKinditribesdependingonhim,sickofthechieftraining.

Just one day Away from my troubles, into my own world "Koa,areyouevenlistening?"ChiefShandaoftheKindiTribenudgedhisson. Koablinked "Um,yeah Totally" "WhatwasthelastthingIsaid?"

Shandafacepalmed."That'snotit."

Maracahsighed."Koa,ifyou'regonnasucceedusaschiefandunitethetwotribes,you willhavetopayattentiontocouncilmeetings."

Koathoughtforamoment."Idon'tknow."

Asthedelegatesleftthecouncilhut,Koagrumbled,notwantingtodealwiththepeptalk heknewwouldcome. "Koa,you need topaymoreattention,"Shandasaid.

"Iknowplenty,"Koareplied."Suchastrading,sailing,coconutpicking,farming..." "No,Imeanhowtogovernthetribes,"Shandasaid,exasperated."Therearecertainrules, andtraditions.Youcannotrulehoweveryouwant.That'styranny." "Haulanifollowedsometraditions,"Koacountered.

"You'retheeldest,sotheonlypossiblewayforLanitotakeupyourroleisifsomething happenstoyou."Maracahexplained."Andbesides,I'msureyou'realsoverycapableof beingaleader." What if I don't want to? Koathought. Hisparentsexchangedworriedglances.

"Can'tLanibechiefinstead?She'sperfectlycapableofleadingthetribes."

"Councilsdismissed,"Maracahsaid."Exceptyou,Koa."

"Why?" "Why?Becauseifyou'regonnabechiefsomeday,youhavetoknowhowthingsworkon thisisland."

"Some Notall,"Maracahpointedout."Herespectedtheruleofallyship,butnothing else.Don'tyourememberwhatthestorytellerstaughtyou?Hetriedtoallywiththe Kindas!" 10

"Iwon'tenduplikeHaulaniandKeaka,Ipromise,"hetoldhisparents."ButIcoulddo withlessrestrictions."

"ButDad " "Isaid,gobacktoyourhutforthenight."

Polocluckedasiftosay, Chief Shanda's been bothering you again?

"Whyask?"Koasaid."Theanswer'sobvious.I'msupposedtostaybyhissideforthe wholedaytomorrow.Asifitcan'tgetanyworse."

"LikeIsaid,ImightabdicateandgivetheroletoLaniinstead,"Koareiterated. Hisfatherjustsighed,notwantingtodiscussthisanyfurther."Justgobacktoyourhut. Tomorrow,you'restickingwithmeforthewholeday."

Koastormedoff,angryatthefactthathewasgoingtobewatchedfortheentireday tomorrow.Heslammedthedoortohishut,earningafrightenedcluckfromhispet rooster,Polo.

"Andletyourunfreewithoutapropereducation?You'lltearthepeoplemoreapartifthat happens!"Shandasaid.

Koadidremember.ElderAkamaihadtoldhimallaboutthemostevilrulerintheisland's history,andhowhehadplottedworlddominationandtriedtonegotiatewiththeir longtimeenemy,theKindaTribe.Butstill,Koadidn'tseehowthatstoryrelatedtothe MalakuiCode,orthecurrentsituation.

Polowaddledovertohisowner,whowasnowbundledupinhishammock "Ifonly..."Koamumbled."IfonlyIcouldbefree...justforoneday.Justone." Littledidheknowthathewouldgetthatopportunityvery,verysoon.

"Stupidchieflyduties,"hemutteredangrily."Icannevergetarest."

“Anyideasnow?”,askedTharen.

“Maybeweallcouldgoforavacation,ohfor10daysor...more.Whatdoyou guysthink?”suggestedJeny. “Hmm,soundsgood But,aren’twegoingonvacationsliterallyeveryweekend?” Iasked.

“Oh,neverthoughtofthat!”,Jenyfeltembarrassed.

“It’salright,I’msurethatweallcouldfindsomethinginterestingtodothis summer.Maybe,let’ssearchtheroomforsomethingspectacular.”

“Ican’twaitanylongerforthebreak!”,squeakedJenyasifshewereonabunch offloatingclouds.

Theedgeofthetimeelapsedforth,thefinalbellrang.Wewerefreespirited, bouncingoffabushfromourseats

ByThejashreeKameshraj

Theforces,theking,andtheirarmymadeanexquisiteefforttostopRendolva Alas,theycouldn’tbeattheevilSorcerer.Soonerorlater,thekingdomhadlostallits treasureandthepeopleremainedeverlastingforcenturies.Theroyalfamilywasthen trappedinsideawand.However,Legendisbelieveduponaspiritualmiragethatisyetto bediscoveredandthepresentgenerationoftheheirMelodiawillbringlighttowardsthe kingdom. After16years...

Tharen,JenyandIwerelookingoutforsomeclues.Therewasaladderofbooks, decorations,schoolsupplies,coolsportsstuffandabagofsmallcottonballs.Iwas lookingthroughthebookstofindsomenovelsthatareenchantingforusalltoread.

“Let’ssee ‘Hungergames’,‘TheGreatGatsby’,‘LordoftheRings’ What’s this?!I’veneverseenabooklikethisbeforeinmyroom.”

“SoamI”,Ireplied.Thehighschoolbuscameuptopickushome.Ireached homewithTharen,myyoungerbrother.

EssenceThree:MysticLandofMortelo

Enterthehallgatesofwisdom,throughthegrandplaceseversincethe17th centurywheretheeriehallowseverydayandtwilight,whichallremainsamystery. Undertakingthesecretmustremainthedeepestofourthoughts.Though,themagicwas stayingprotecteduntilthetragedyjustbeganruiningMortelo’ssoul.Itwasallaworse nightmareforthepeoplelivingthereandatthecastle.Foreveryminuteitcounts,the kingdombecameinvisiblebehindthewaterfall.But,Rendolvahadnomercyandhadto obtaineverylastpieceofthetreasure.

“Um,alright.Maybeweallcangooutforavacation,andyouguysare…very welcometobetherewithus.”

Wewereoffdownstairs,tothekitchentomeetmomanddad. “No,No,No!WhywouldIletyougotoafarawayplace,andbethereforafew days,withawaterfallinalonelyjungle?Youknowyoucan’treallygowithout supervision.”askedmom.

“Notreally,myboy Thetrip’salongjourneyfromhere”saidmydad

“Hooray!”Weyelledinexcitement

“Itdoesn’tlooklikeamyth Here’saletterwithrealhandwriting Writtenby KingLordDuncherysll?”,Isaid.

“No,Jeny,we’regonnagotothatplaceandfindoutifthelegendistrue Forthis trip,weneedanessentialbackpackforeach,water,spareclothes,somefood,andspecial permissionfromourparents.”

Igiggledalittle.Withthatbeingsaid,everyonewaseagertofindouttheunknown legendthathappenedover16yearsago.Infact,therewassomethingbuggingmeabout thebook,andfeltthatsomethingneededtobedonewiththelegend.SothenIstood brightfromheadtotoeandmadeadecision.“Guys,areyouthinkingwhatI’m thinking?”Iwasenergetic.

“That’seasiersaidthandone,younglady,”saidmymom. “Comeon,aunty,thiswillbeagreattrip!”suggestedJeny. “Hmm,fine.Let’svoyagethroughthehills.”,Mymommadeabigsmile.

Ireadtheexcerptfromthescript:

Thebookwascompletelycoveredinasparklinggolden,writtenMorteloinbig letters.Therewasaspecofalargekingdom'smaponceIopenedthebook.Thebook’s pageswereentirelyoldsothattherattlingsoundcouldbeheardwhileflippingthrough. “Lookslikeanancientbookofsomelegend.Thedataisencryptedsoprecisely. Mustbesomemyth ”saidTharen

Jennyaskedherparents,andtheystatedshe couldgo Well,evenifIdidn’tmakethetrip,Icouldn’tresistleavingJenyalone Infact, wehavebeenfriendssincethirdgradeandshehasbeenmywholelifeeachday.Icould reallyimaginetheupsanddownsofbeingwithoutafriend.

“Mom,please Wecanhandlethis”assuredmybrother

“Oh!We’regonnasellthependantfor150dollars,andthebookforourown exhibitclub?”exclaimedJeny

“DearPeople,Fearnot,thatthouallmightbesavedbythefuturegenerationfrom the20thcentury,Melodia’spresencewasadestinytouskingdom.Andherpresencefrom thefutureshallhavetheabilitytodefeatRendolva.Takecareofourkinsandletuswait forthebrightmomentwe’llwaitforinourlives.Sincerely,KingLordDuncherysll'' “What’sthishangingatthebottom?Lookslikeaprettypendanttome,”saidJeny “It’saTurquoisestone!”exclaimedTharen!

Aftersettingthingsup,welookedatthemap,socuriousastowhywehadtogoto

“Ithinkit’sbecausethemagicpossessedinthe watermadeitvanish,thenobviouslythespellwasgettingworse,whichmadethewhole entirekingdomdisappearbehindthewaterfall.”

“Yes,Ihavethependant”,Isaid.

“Huh!”Igasped “Iwonderwhatthatis Whatifit’sanappearancefromthe kingdom?Dothepeopleknowwe’rehere?…nah,obviouslynot”.

“Doyoustillhavethependant?”askedtharen.

“Thentryinsertinginthehole,Iguessitworks”

“Ineedwater!”saidJeny.

Iinsertedit Injustasecond,everythingaroundusbegantoshineinlight,asifwe weretrappedinaworldfullofwhite.Wemadeafewstepsforthaswesawthesame mirageIsawbythetree.Wefolloweditandmetawholeworld,withlotsofpeopleand soldierspassingby.Eachcornerofeverystreetwesawstores,artifacts,bakeries, mechanics,schoolsandmuchmore.

theothersideoftheentrance.Andthen,weplannedonerouteandtherequirements neededforfindingthekingdom.Lateron,Iwassittingnearatreewithanelegantsetting attwilight,whenIsawsomething.Somethingthatwasstrange,andsomethingthatwas mystical.Iwenttotakeacloserlook,attheglowingglimpseofamirage,butit disappearedafterIbrokeahangingtwigfromanoldoaktree

“Thewater’sinmybackpack,I’llgetitforyou”saidmybrother,whowasabit sleepyafteralongwalk.“Wait!Where'sthewater?IknowIkeptithere.Letmecheck themapforanystreams”

Afteraboutahalfhourfromsupperat6,wewerefinallyready.Wefacedhuge rocksduringthejourney,andthehowlingofnotoriouswolvesmadeustakedeepbreaths.

“Lookthere’soneinamile,I’msurewecouldcatchuptothat”Isaid Sothenwe walkedtothewater,thoughInoticeditwasweirdthatthewaterbegantoglow,anddim simultaneously. Igrabbedsomewaterintomyplainoldbottleandjerkedforamomentwhenwegotto thewaterfall.

“Guyswemadeit,thekingdom’shere!”.Jenysoundedexcited.

Everybodycameout,surroundinguswithweaponsaimingbeneathour chests.Wewerefirstfrightenedbythissuddenmovement,andtheychargedatus.But, theyinsistedwebebyourselvesandfollowthemtothepalace.Thepeoplewerealmost focusedonwatchingoverus,liketheybelievedsomethingmagicalwasyettohappen. “Look,thosethreepeoplemighthavecometorescueus”,saidamanwithan

“Iguessthisisit,thisisthekingdomthat’sbeenlostfor16years,andtheroyal familyisatstakerightnow”,Isaid

Fromthearmy,asoldiercameforthandrecognised usastrespassers

“Doyourememberwhythewaterwasglowinganddimming10minutesago?”,I asked Everyoneponderedforamoment

Thetragedydepreciatedourmood.Wedidn’tnoticeanysignofthekingdom,not evenanentrance.Therewasahugecrackandasmallroundofinsertionwhereabeamof sunlightpassedthrough.

Now,itclaimsthatthelegacyis true.Youarethepresentgenerationwhosavedourkingdom”thekingsaid.

Aswewentinsidethepalace,therewerehallwayssohugethatalargeairplane mightfit Thepillarsheldalargetoproofwithmanypaintings,glassworksand inscriptions ThehenchmenofRendolvawerepowerfulanditseemedlikethepalacewas totallyinRendolva'shands.

Now,withoutthewand,Rendolvahadnothingtodobutretreat.Butforhislong yeartothrivebytheprisonsorthefatehemustwitness

“Ithinkthiscan’tbetrue.”,Isaid.

Thoughhisspelldidn’twork,IrememberedatechniqueIusesinbasketballasa meansofdistraction.Igrabbedtwopiecesoflintfrommypocket,hardenedthem,and threwthematthewand,whichshattered.

“Yes,theylooklikepeoplesaidinthelegend”saidawoman“Iguessthelegendis trueafterall”,repliedtheman.

“Yes,indeed You aretheoneheirofmyhonorablesisterMelodia Untilyou cameout,herpresenceallovertheplacewasfruitful

“We'rethegoodpeoplefromthepresentworldandwewantedtodiscoverthe legendthat’ssomewherehere…”,saidJeny.

“Thankyouverymuchtoyou

Abovetheinnerpartofthepalace,camethemiragewithamistofair.Slowlyit floweddownlikeafeatherwoulddropfromabird.Itlookedrightintomyeyesandfelt somethingaboutme.Isensedthattherewassomethingconnectedwithmeandthe mirage.

“No,itis”,saidmymom,comingcloserthroughthehallwayswithdad. “Mom!Dad?!How…Howdidyouguyscomehere?”,askedTharen.

“Whoareyoupeople,andwhat’syourmotiveinthiskingdom?”,askedthemanin thebigchaironthefront.

Wearesograteful”saidtheking Injustafewseconds,themirage,however,changed.SomethingIneverfelt before,somethingnew,somethingthatamazeseveryonearoundthecorner,something thatmakesmewhole,andsomethingthatisme.Iwastransformedintoaroyal! “I…I’ve…been…,themirage...inside”,Imuttered.TharenandJenywerereally stunnedbymytransformationandrealizedsomethingthatbotheredmewiththismagical effect.

enormoushat.

Thesorcererwasn’tpatientandyelled,“What’shappeninghere,howhasthisgirl enactedwiththisflowingsoul?How’sthispossible?”.Thesorcererleanedforwardand triedtoobtainpower,thoughitdidn’twork

Risingfromthewandcameabrightlight,wherewesawthewholeroyalfamily comeoutsideandstoodinpride.Thesoldiers,thepriestsandthepeoplebowedin respect.Wedidthesametoo.

“Well,I’mRendolva,therulerofthiskingdom.Ifyouwanttoknowthelegend here,thenyoumustleaveourkingdomforgood”saidRendolva Weweredeterminedto findthelegendanddidn’thaveanyintentiontogoaway

“Well,weknowthatyouguysfoundthebook,andwantedtogovacationouthere. And,wefigureditout.”,saidmydad.

“Oh,Thenthispendantbelongstoyou,Sejalah.”Jenygavemewithahug. “Thanksmygirl.Youknowwhat,Ireallydidn’texpectnorbelieveI’mtheheir. But,Ilovemyfamilyandmyfriendsthemost Somylord,IapologizetoyouthatI couldn’tbeinthiskingdom

There’sabodyonthefloor.Youknowbecausethegunisinyourhand,andthe gunispointedatthebody,andtheguniscoldandsleek,anicyfelt

There’sasoundofagunshot.Firedbyyouorbysomebodyelse,you’renotsure. “...Youknow.Likethebandthatperformshereeveryweekend?”

But,likebefore,IassurethatI’llmaintainthekingdomto lastlonger,andtrytomakeitsecretive.”

There’ssomebodysayingsomethingbehindyou,exceptyoucan’tmakeoutanyof thewordsandtheirvoiceisamuffledmess,untilitisn’t.

“...Inevermeanttobehim,”theyseemtosay.“Inevermeantto Inever ”

Thetruthfinallywasrevealedandhappinesswasentirelyinoursouls...The peopleandthefamilieslivedhappilyeverafter.

EssenceFour:“youneverlookthewayIremember” ByMandyLiu

HestealsaglanceatSenjuandalmostregretsit.Theboybesidehimlooks

Hesilentlytakesaseatbesidehimanddoesn’treply

Thelituptextfaltersforasecond,flickeringinsyncwiththecity’sbillboards behindhishead “You’vechangedyournameagain.”

Wouldn’tchangeanything

He’sintheskyline.88thfloor,goldensleekwallsthatgoonformilesandmiles, thetasteofcoldmetalinhismouth,bartendersthatnooneknowsthenamesofandno onecarestoaskfor.Milkywhitevases,asickeninglysweetscent,electronicsongsthat allbounceoffthebackofhisheadforweeks.Itallreeks,reeksoffilthyriches,ofwealth hewillneverbeabletoenjoytheluxuryof,buthecan’tfinditinhimselftocomplain Occasionally,hiseyesflittothepersonnexttohim

OverVic’shead,asheanimatedlychatterson,thetext“0618”circlesinadusty ring.Ifhesquintshardenough,maybehecanevenseeangelwingsbloomingfrom behindVic’sback.

Therearemanyquestionshe couldaskbuttheiranswerswouldn’tmatteratall

“...Icanstillrememberlisteningtotheirfirstsongatsixteen...”

They’retalkingaboutthepast,liketheydoeverySaturdaynightwhentheskyis darkandclearandnotasinglelightinsight.Pollution,theysay.Pollution’sbeen cloggingtheview.Thestarsgaveupandsaidgoodbye. “Whataboutthem?” “I’mfriendswiththebandleader.5Millimeters.Ithinkit’skindofinsanehow muchthey’vegrown,frombeingagroupofragtagsinarun downapartment.”

It’salmostscaryhoweasyhecantuneoutthesoundshehears,leavingnothingbut fuzzinessinhisears.It’ssweet,thismind numbingdarkness.Itleavesnospacefor thought.Heturnsthecandyinhismouthonemoretimebeforegulpingitwhole.

“No,no,Ibelieveyou,”hereassureshim.Heturnsandtossesthecandyinhis mouth.Thebottomofhistonguebordersonnumb,thewayitfeelslikesandpaper. Athisresponse,Vicbeams,andtakesitassomesortofindicatorforhimtogoon. “Yousee,Iwastheretooonce,whenwe...”

0618 nowSenju smilesathim,jaggedteethandall,asheapproaches.“I don’tknowwhyyoubothertobesurprisedeverytime,”Senjuhums.

They’resittingonabenchoutlookingthehighestpointofthecity.Before,along, longtimeago,hewould’vebeenoverjoyedtoenjoytheviewinsuchanexoticplacelike this.Thatjoyislonggone.

“Really” “Yeah,youdon’tbelieveme?”Outofthecornerofhiseye,hecanbarelymake outthesightofVicfrowninginthedark,thecornersofhissmiledroopinginacurve, lightlyilluminatedbyasinglelampsittingbythebalconydoor.

“...SoItakeityoulikedtheface.” “Idid.” “Butyou’llchangeitagaininafewdays.”

whatisSenjuseeingthathe isn’t?Helooksawayjustasfast

“Along,longtimeago,”hisvoicetakesonawistfultone,“Peopleusedto manufactureandsellplasticfiguresinthelikingsofahumanbodyasatoyforyoung children,andtheyoftentooktheformofatall,blondegirlnamedBarbie. “Barbiewastheideal.Shewasprojectednationwide,onbillboards,onthenews. Peoplewantedtobelikeher.BeforeDarlingswereevencreated,peopleunderwent surgerytochangetheirappearancestolooklikeher.

Buttheglintinhiseyesisn’tgone.Hefeelshisownheartclenchabitinhischest. Thecityreflectedinhiseyes,thewonder,theexcitement

“NotlikeIwouldknow,”hereplies,andtheyleaveitatthat “Didyouknowpeopleusedtoplaywithplasticfigurescalleddolls?”Lunasays oneday,outofnowhere.Piercingredeyesfindhisown,andhethinkshecansmellthe faintscentofcigarettesfromthetipofhisnose.

“Isn’tthatsuchawondrousthing?Thatwedon’thavetoresorttosuchdirethings anymoretochangefaces?”Hesighsdreamily

Senjubarksoutalaugh.It’salittleunfamiliartohim,alittlerougheraroundthe edges,alittlemorehigh pitched.“Iwill.Isn’tthatthefunofitall?” Fun?Fun?

unrecognizable,fieryredhairreplacedwithblondelocks,sultrygreyeyesreplacedwith oceanbluepearls,milkywhiteskinreplacedwithillegiblescribblingsalmostreminiscent ofatattoostretchingacrosshischeek.

AlazysmilecrossesLuna’sface,andheknowsthatevenifhedidn’task,Luna wouldtellhimanyway

ThecityseemstocomeroaringbacktolifethesametimeErinwakesup,at9PM. Theyshareadinner(orbreakfast,forErinatleast)overcompanionablesilenceand sleepymumblingsfromtheother.ThenErinleavesforhisjobattheskyline. SomedayshefollowsErinouttothestreetsandloseshimthere,butthat’snotthe

Theyfallintosomesortofroutine.Hewakesupatnoonandeatssomesortof poorexcuseofabrunch(thatusuallyconsistsofhalf-toastedbreadandyogurt).He catchesErinrightbeforehegoestosleepat3PM.

Thehouseissilentforhoursafter.Hespendshishoursscouringthefaceshe’s seenthatday,mixingandmatchingpiecesoftheirpersons,andfilingthemawayfor futurereference Heflipsthroughthemoccasionally

“...No,”hemanagestocroakafterafewseconds,andwincesathisownuneven voice.“Dotellmemoreaboutit.”

Yeah, Erin would like this one Or somethinglikethat

He’soutforafewhours,thencomesbacktodothesamething

They’rewalkingincirclesnow

point.Hescoursthestreets,lightsbuzzingabovehishead,notificationssoundingfrom everycornerofthestreet.Thebillboardscallouttohim.

Get the newest updates from the Regime about face engineering,theysay. The Regime warns that switching faces can have side effects, such as gradual memory loss, numbness, fatigue, etc. Please also keep an eye on your Darling as they too may be affected by

He’smumblingsomethingoverandoveragain.“Ineverwantedtolooklikehim,” hethinkshehearsErinsay,buthe’sneversure.It’snotuntilhecrouchesinfrontofhim thatErinfinallynoticeshimandhiseyeslosethatglassylooktothem.Eringiveshima smallworn outsmilethatlookslikeitcouldfalloffofhisfaceanytimesoon.

ItwasRin’sideaanyways,tofollowthefaded railroadtracks Remainsofwhatwasleftlongago,crisscrossinglineslikeskeletons,faint dandelionsinthemiddleofnowhere.“It’llbefun,”hesaid.“Don’tyouwanttogetoutof thehouse?”

“We’llhavetobraveit through.”Heperksupabit.“Wecantraceourfootstepsback.Likethatgirlinthetale whereshethrewbreadcrumbsontheforestfloortotrackherway.Right?” “Ithinkthatyou’reforgettingthatthegirlinthestoryactuallydidn’tfindherway backbecausebirdsatethebreadcrumbs.”

SometimesErin comeshomeearlierthanhim,sometimesherushesinlateat5AM,pluckinghisshoes off,mumblingaboutsomerudecoworker.

He’sbeenfriendswithErinforaslongashecanremember.Erin’sjustlikethat abreeze,awindingstep,animmediatepresencethatsomehowbargedintohislife that’sjusthowitis.

Twohourslater,theyfindthemselvesalittlelost.Maybe‘alittle’isan understatement. “Iswearthiswasacircleonthemap,”Rinmumblestohimself.“Wewere supposedtobebackanhourago...”

“Didyoubringyourheadset?” Heshakeshisheadno,andRinsighsabreathofdefeat

“Hey,0909,”Erinsayswryly,withaheavyyetlighttone,asifhe’sunloadinga secretabouthimselfbuttellingajokeallatthesametime,“doyouwanttocleanupwith me?”

Rinlooksuptohimwithpleadingeyes

Butsometimeshe’sremindedofhowlittleheknowsabouthim.Shatteredglassin thebathroom Morethanonce,hecomeshometoseeErinsittingontheground,an unmovinghusk,beforesharpshardsandametalframe,sometimesstainedwithred Cuts onhishands.

Whenhefindsmoresmashedglassandmissingmirrorsaroundthehouse,he doesn’tsayathing.

Helearnsthiswhenhe’swoken upbysobbinginthenight

Theyhaverawtomatoeswithbrownsugarfordinner.Ithasnevertastedsweeter tohim,hethinks Thornfield 1600. 9:20 9:30 PM. Short, gray hair. Blue eyes. Heads from the north. Blenheim 7012. 10:00-10:05 PM. Purple hair. Black eyes. Heads from the west. Eyes nullified. Approach with caution.

“Inevermeanttobehim,”hehearshimweep,inbetweengaspsforbreath.“Why doIseehimeverywhereIgo?Whycan’tIhavemyownface?Whycan’tI?”

Drillingnoises

Hegoesaboutthedayallthesame(orsohethinks,scouringthebackofhismind foranysortofrecognitionofroutine),falteringatparts,butit’smoreorlessthesame. Untilhefindsabagofcheesecracks,leftopenonthekitchencounter,andsomething zingsinthebackofhismind.

What’s so wrong with it?

“Oh,shutup!”Rinwaves,adismissalofhishand.“It’sallfigurative.Wecanfind ourwayback.Right?”

Latelyhe’sbeenblankinginandout Somethingalittlelikethe fizzlingneonlightsthatstillneedtoberepairedattheskyline,fuzzydarkness,crackling silence.

Helistenstosnifflesforhoursonend,hiseyeshalf-closed,blinkingupatthe ceiling. 3:25 AM,theclockathisnightstandreads.

Theapartmentwallsarefartoothinforcomfort

“Right.” “Youdon’tbelieveme!” “No,Ido”

“Well,youdefinitelydon’tsoundlikeit,”Rinhuffs,andheevenmanagesalaugh “Whateveryousay,”hereplies,andtheyspendtherestoftheafternoonlaughing theirwayback.Andbysomestrokeofluck,theymanagetomaketheirwayhomebefore dark. See, you should’ve trusted me! I definitely would’ve brought us back,Rinlaughs, andheshakeshishead. Sure, sure, whatever you say.

Heblinksatthebag.Blinksagain.What’ssowrongwithit?Forthefirsttimeina while,hisbrainrecedesfromitsnormalfuzziness It’slikesomebody’snagginghimin thebackofhismind

“HeyMimi,”hecallsout,hisvoicealittlesmallerthanhehadintendedittobe. Histonguefeelsalittlelikesandpaperinhismouth,washinginandout. Saidpersonhumsatthecallofhisnamefromsomewherebehindhim.“Yeah?” “Have...”hiswordscatchinhisthroatforasecond,andthenhismouthmoveson 20

“Oh,0909,”Astridsoundssoterrifyinglytired,fatiguelacedwithhisvoice,“don’t yourememberwhatIsaidabouttrackingbloodintothehouse?”

Hedoesn’trealizehe’sbumpedintoAstriduntilhestumblesforwardinto somethingblockinghisleftside,andalmostfallsforwardatthecontact. Hehearsaquietsighandashufflingoffeet.Coldhandsfindhisownashis eyelidsslowlydroop.

itsown.“Haveyoualwayslikedcheesecrackersthismuch?”

Histonguefeelslikesandpaperagain Scarletpools.Burntcigarettes.Heseestherust

Hishandsstillshakewhenhedragsthebodyoutofsight,stillshakewhenhefinds hiswayhome,stillshakewhenheopensthefrontdoortotheapartment Hetakesseven triestoopenthedoorandthreetostumblein.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Thereareno tearslefttocry,sohesimplystaresatthedarkfigureuntilitblursintoadeformedlump. I’m sorry.

I’m sorry,hedoesn’teverremembersaying.

Outofthecornerofhiseye,heseesFayeturntofacehim.Strikingpurpleeyes, liketherainafterthestorm.

“Youknow,Ihaven’tbeenaskedthatinsuchalongtime,”agiggleescapeshim. Fayeturnsback,facetothesky,hishandsoutstretchedinfrontofhim.Ashadowfalls 21

edgedeyes,theemptywail,the desperation,overandoveragain.Butitendsallthesame.

“Huh?”Mimiblinksathim,thenhisgazetracesovertheopenbagandbackto him “Oh,right,sorryaboutleavingitout”Hegetsupfromhisseatonthecouchto shuffleovertothekitchenandfumblewithsomedrawersbeforecomingback. “Haveyou?”

“Whatareyougoingtodowhenyougrowup?”

Thesourfeelinginhismouthgrowsstrongerwhenhefinishesspeaking. That wasn’t the question he was going to ask,herepeatstohimself,moreinshockthana statement. That wasn’t. . . He was going to. . .

What if,hisbrainprovides, buthedoesn’tfinishthethought

ThefluidityhehadwithhiswordsearliercompletelydissipateswhenMimiasks him.“Noreasoninparticular,”herespondsafterasecond.

“HaveI...?”Mimi’sfacespellsoutconfusion,untilrecognitiondawnsonhim. “Oh.Thecrackers.Yeah?I’velikedthemforawhile.Why?”

Today,they’reontheskyline.HefindsthatFayeparticularlylikesbeinguphere, withnothingbutpalebluewispstorollaroundoneyeballsformilesonend. Hesitswithhishandsonhisknees,peeringoutintotheblanksky.Evenwithout thinkingaboutit,hishandsstarttosweatfromthealtitude.

overhisface.“‘Whenyougrowup.’Itsoundsnicetohearagain.”

“Butstill.We’velefttheRegimenow.There’snothingthatyoucan’tdoafterthat, youknow.”Despitehimself,hefindshimselfsmiling,aninfectioussmalljoy.“Talkingto peopleisnothingafteryou’vescaledwallsoverfourtimesyourheight.”

It’sthesame.Hemakeshiswayaroundtheaislesandstopsatthemagazine sectioninparticular.Hepicksuponethatcatcheshiseye

Thesongplayinginthestore(it’safamiliartunethatheknowshe’sheard somewhere,butwhere?)pausesforamomentasavoicesoundsovertheintercom. “PleasereturnanymissingpersonswithmatchingIDstotheRegime.Thankyouvery muchandweappreciateyoureffortinmaintainingthepeaceandequityofourcity. Missingpersons:0618...”

Downtheaisle,heglimpsesabagofcheesecrackers.There’ssomethingalittle familiaraboutthemthathecan’tputhisfingeron.Whatisit?Hethinksandhethinks, butnothingcomestomind.

“Oh,right!Beingabartender.Thatwassolongagothough.”

Thequestionstretchesbetweenthemforafewmoments,beforehespeaksup again “Youcouldbeanythingyouwanttobe,youknow,”hereplies

“When youputitlikethat,Icanseeit”

Hestandsthereforawhile,staringout,untilhiswristpingswithanotification “Pleaseproceedtothecheckoutcounterwithyouritems,”avoicecallsoutinhisear,and heimmediatelydropsthemagazinehe’sholdingbyreflex.

He’llfigureitoutwhenhegetshome,hethinks

“WhatifIactuallybecameabartender...?”Fayewondersoutloud. “You’dhavetobethebestoneatitthen.”

“Youknowwhat,you’reright,”hesays,asmilecrossingfromeartoear

“Rememberwhat weweredreamingofwhenwewereyounger?Beingabartender?”

Billboardsoutsidetheconveniencestorecalltohim

“...ButIdon’tknow,”Faye’seyesdimabit.“WhatshouldIdo?What could I do?”

CONCERT CANCELLED?! Pop star. . .

Inthemirror,hewatchesthereflectionofthebillboardsandtherestofthecity lights,starkwhiteagainstawashedoutgrey.Rainslowlytricklesdowntheoutsideofthe glass

Thistime,Fayeguffaws,hisshouldersshakingwithlaughter,hiseyessmallhalf moons

onewithabrightblue-haired ladyonthecover,thatscreams

Buthedecidestotrustwhatevergutfeelinghehasandpicksoneofthemoffthe shelfandscansitin

Headsets available, buy one get one free,theysay.

“OfcourseI’dbe!Areyoudoubtingmenow?”Fayebumpshisshoulder,andhe mirrorshissmile. Hishandsarestillsweatywhenheleavestheskyline.

You don’t have to pretend that I actually meant something to you back then, or even now,hewantstosay,butdoesn’t

Almostinstantly,Kiostops slurpinghisnoodles.Ifhehadfeltanyhumanemotionsatall,hewouldprobablybe feelingsomethingakintoregret,thesinkingfeelinginhisstomach.

“Oh,”hesettlesonreplying,atalossforwords.Hepicksupanotherstrandof noodlesandpromptlychewsonit.

Thesongstillplaysinhisheadlongafterhe’sleftthestore.

“WhydidyouleavetheRegime?”

“AndtheyweregoingtoEraseyoutoo.Atsomepoint,Irealizedsomethingwas wrong,soIgrabbedyouandleft,”Kiosaysitsimply,asifitweresomethingasquickas thebatofaneye.Thehollowlookinhiseyessaysotherwise.

Thewordsspillfromhismouthwithoutnotice

“I’llgowhereveryougo.Afterall,I’myourDarling.There’snowhereelseIcould go.” Alittlelie.Alittletruth.Alittlebitofbothcouldn’thurt,right? He’swatchingthedumplingscookwhenLykosburststhroughthedoor,papersin hand,cheeksflushed.Healmostdropstheladlehe’sholdingfromsheersurpriseof impact.

Leave? Healmostlaughsoutloudattheconcept,thecornersofhismouth threateningtoshootupwards

“WhydoyouthinkIleft?”Kioeventuallysays,hisvoicealittleonthehoarse side “Idon’tknow” Kiosighs,closeshiseyesashemassageshistemple.“TheRegimeleaderswere goingtoSealme.Wantedmetobecometheperfectworkingassistantforthem.Itdidn’t workoutthatwaythough.

HewatchesasKioswallowstherestofhisfoodandclearshisthroat,allwhile avertinghisgaze.

Leave Asifthatwereanoptionforhimanymore Asifhe could Heisnotaliar,butheknowsaliewhenheseesone.Sohesimplylooksupfrom hisbowlofnoodles.

Thevoicedronesonforawhile,untilitstops,andthesongresumesagain.It’s somethingupbeat,somethingaboutfallinginlove,aboutfivemillimeters.

“Andthat’swherewearenow.Ithinkthey’vestoppedlookingforusawhileago, though,”Kioadmitsafterapause.“SoI’mfreetogowhereverIwantnow.Youtoo.You canleaveifyouwantto.”

“You,”Lykosputsoutalmostaccusatorily,andhecan’ttellifLykos’svoice

changedorifhesimplysoundedthisoutofbreathandgutturalwhenhe’sangry.Ishe angry?Hedoesn’tknow.

“I’msorry,I’msosorry,”hefinallyshutshiseyesandputsbothhandsinfrontof himself.“I’msosorry,Ididwritethatletter,butIdidn’tmeantosendthattoyounow,I wasgoingtodoitlater,I’msorry,I ”

Hedesperatelytriestobackaway,butthestoveathis backisasurereminderthatthere’snowhereforhimtogo

Forthefirsttimeinalong,longtime,tearspricklehiseyes

“You,”Lykosholdsupaslipofpaper,andhecanbarelymakeoutthewordson thepaperfromthisdistance.Thistime,hedoesdroptheladlewhenhedoes,andthe soundofitbreakingringsmilesaway Hefreezeswithrecognition No No That wasn’t supposed to

“Didyoureallywritethis?”Lykostowersoverhim,andhe’salmosttooscaredto lookintohiseyes,sohedoesn’t

“Didyoureallywritethis?”Lykosstaresathimintently,pupilsblownwidewith intensity.Heslowlystalksuptohim,andhetakesastepbackeachtime,untilhisback hitsthestoveandinthedistancehehearsthesoundofanotchturning,buthe’stooclose tocare.

“I’msorry,Ijustfelt thatIcouldn’tcontinuedoingtheworkIdoforyou,itdoesn’tfeelrighttoErasepeople justfortheirfaces,I ”

“Couldn’tcontinue.”Lykoscontinuesnearinginonhim,andhekeepssinking furtherandfurtherintothestove.“Couldn’tcontinue.ImagineifIhadsaidthattohim. Imagine ”Heshakeshishead,hiseyessuddenlyelsewhere,flickeringacrosstheroom indisbelief,fixedonnothing “What’ssodifficultaboutthis?”Lykossays,exceptitsoundslesslikeaquestion andmorelikeastatement.Hishandsstarttoshake.“What’ssodifficult?Ifyoucan’t continue,thenjustKEEPDOINGIT!”Lykosroarsthelastpart,andheshuddersfrom theimpact. “JustKEEPDOINGIT!Liketheywouldhave!LikeIwouldhave!”Lykos

“JustfeltthatIcouldn’tcontinuedoingthework,”Lykosrepeatshiswordsinan increduloustone,staringfull-forceintohiseyes.“Couldn’tcontinuedoingwork.” AndthenLykoslaughs.Helaughs.Hebendsoverinlaughter,hisshoulders shakingvigorously,risingupanddown.“Couldn’tcontinue,”herepeatsinbetween laughs,andwiththelightheartedtonehespeakswith,it’salmostasifhetoldafunny joke Excepthehasn’t Hiskneesalmostgiveawaywithreliefatthatmoment.Thesightofthebackof Lykos’sheadhasneverbeensocomforting,untilhestopslaughingandliftshisheadup andhispiercinggazeisonhimagain.

“Youwantedtoleave”

“Soyoudidwanttoleave.”Whenheopenshiseyes,wildeyesmeethisown,and forasecondhecatchesaglanceoffear.Fear?Ofwhat?Histrainofthoughtisquickly cutwhenLykoshitsthesurfaceofthestove.

“LikeIwouldhave,”Lykosrepeatsbrokenly,andsuddenlyhemakesastrange sound Healmostjumpsatfirstatthesound,butthenrecognizesitascrying HewatchesasLykos’sshouldersriseandfallagain,thistimerackedwithsobs, handstohiseyes.Forthestrangestreason,hefeelstheurgetopullLykosintohisarms, asifhehadnotbeenshoutingathimasecondbefore.

I’ll turn you in if you ever stop. I’m sorry Heseesredagain I’m sorry I’m sorry Hereactsoninstinct.Pulls,aims,shoots.Pulls,aims,shoots.

“Getyourstuff.They’vefoundushere.We’releaving.” Again,goesunsaidinbetweenthetwoofthem.

screamsagain,exceptthistimeLykos’sheadlollsbackandforthandhefallstothe groundonhisknees.Hestaresblanklyinfrontofhim,thekitchensuddenlydeafeningly silent.

Hisshirtisnowdamp,butit’sasmallpricetopay,hesupposes Hedoesn’tknowhowlongtheystaylikethat,justsittingonthefloor,untilLykos getsup.Lykospullsoutofhisembraceandstaggerstohisfeet,handsrubbinghiseyes theentiretime.

Thatnightheeatsrawdumplings.

Hiseyesdrooptoacloseashepassesthroughtheapartmentdoor. AndthenNicobuststhroughadoor,andhealmostjumpsatthesuddennessofit Nico’sfaceisflushedred,sweatdrippingdownhisforehead.Nicowaitsasecondsto catchhisbreathbeforespeaking.

I’m sorry.Hesaysonemoretimeasthelastpersongoesdownwithawail,their bodysinkingintoadarkcreaseonthefloor.

Aroundhim,thesightoftheladlehedroppedearlierfinallycomesintoview.It sitsafewmetersawayfromhim,protrudingupwardatanawkwardangle Piecebypiece,hepickshimselfuptoo,andbitbybit,cleansupthekitchenfloor Cleansuntilthere’snotracethatanythinghadhappenedatall.

Lykosleaveswithoutaword,andhefindsthathe’sinfactgratefulthatheleftlike that,becausehewouldn’thaveknownwhattosayifhedidn’t.

Andhedoes.Hisresolutioncrumbles,andsodoeswhatever’sleftofhissenseof self-preservation,becausehereachesoutforLykosandtheotherdoesn’tpushhimaway. Theysitlikethat,hisarmsawkwardlycircledaroundLykos’sshudderingfigure,withthe lattercryingintohisshoulder,coldmetalfloorpressedtobarelegs.

Rawdumplings.They’resticky.Theytastealittlelikefallentears,alittlelikesour fear,alittlelikehome.

I’m so tired of doing this So tired of Erasing people just for their faces

“WhyshouldIbelieveyou?”heasks,thewordsfallingoutofhismouthbeforehe cancatchthem. Koisighsalong,wearysigh,andit’sclearthemomenthecavesonhimself.“Just, please,”hesays,hisvoiceshaking.

Thistime,hefinallycomplies,andhisfeetfeeljustbarelysolidunderneathhis body Thepuddlingrainseepsintohisshoeswhenhelands,anunpleasantsquelch,buthe doesn’thaveitinhimtocomplain

Andmaybethere’ssomethingempoweringaboutstandingontheedge,about beingonestepawayfromchangingyourlifeforever,aboutfinallyfeelingthatyouhave thegraspofpowerthatputsthenextwordsintohismouth.

“Comedown,please,”Koisaysonemoretime,ahintofdefeatinhisvoice.

“Whycan’tIrememberanything?”hemumbles,moretohimselfthantoanyone else.Koidoesn’tprovideananswerashewrapshisarmsaroundhisshoulder.

“Werewealwayslikethis?”

Thesedays,he’sabitforgetful.Hegoesabouthisdaysallthesame,butthere’s 26

It’sraining.It’sabsolutely pouring whenKoifindshimontheroof.Thesky’sdark again.Notasinglelightinsight.Somethingaboutpollution,somethingabout “Don’tdoit.”Maybeit’stherain,butKoi’svoicesoundsabitwet.“Don’tdoit,” Koisaysagain,thistimealittlelouder.Koimustbesomewherebehindhim,hereasons. Do what? Hewantstoanswer,buthislipsaren’tcooperating,sonothingcomes outofhismouth Heonlyshufflesfurtherawayfromtheedge,takesastepback HefinallyturnsaroundtofaceKoi,andeveninthedarkness,hecanseehim,the outlinesofhisfigurestillimminentafewmetersaway.

“Didwealwayslivelikethis?”hesaysinstead,hisvoicebarelyvisibleoverthe downpourofrain.Whoevercalledrainapitter-pattermusthavelied,becauseitdoesn’t soundlikeapitter patteratall.

“Whatdoyoumean?”Koicallsoverthesoundoftherain.

“DidIalwayshavethisjob?DidIalwaysworklikethis?Didwealwayslive here?”heraiseshisvoiceabit,butuncertaintystillchurnsinhischestasbefore Hisheadwhirls.Wasn’thejust16yesterday?Wasn’thetakingalongwalkdown awindingrailroadthatledtonowhereyesterday?Wasn’thejustfinishinguphistheory paperontheoriginsofErasureyesterday?Wasn’the? “Comedownfromthere,”Koicallstohim.

Rose 1908. 1:30 1:45 AM. Green hair. Black eyes. Heads from the east. Wisherswell 9347 11:05 11:10 PM White hair Pink eyes Heads from the west Eyes nullified Approach with caution

He’snotaliar,buthe’sliedenoughalready,soonemorecouldn’tpossiblyhurt. Heswallowsthicklyandpushesthroughhisnextwords.

Mustbeanillogicalfeeling,youreason.Mustbethefaceofsomebodyyou’vemaybe metbefore,copiedagain.Andsoyouwalkaway,withnotasinglelookback.

Butjustasfastashehasthatthought,itdisappears,leavinghimwithonlya sinkingfeelinginhisstomach.Whatdidhethinkwasodd,again?

Thesemomentsofstrangenesscometohimoccasionally,outofnowhere.Each time,heshakesitoffafter

“Yeah,wewillbeokay.”

Yougiveupontryingtofigureitoutwhenthepersondisappearsaroundacorner.

Butsometimes,likeastrokeofbluelightning,hefindspartoftheapartment extremelyodd.Whyisthereanextracupdryingnearthecupboard?Whoseslippersare thosebythedoor?Whendidhebuythosebooksnowcollectingdustbythebackofthe house?Whycan’theremember?

Leila’sgrippingontohisshirtsostrongthatforasecondhealmostthinksit’s goingtotear,butitdoesn’t,andhewatchesasLeila’sbodyrockswithsobs,hisownarms circledaroundhim

You’retryingtoignorethefeelingthatyou’veforgottensomething,thename that’satthetipofyourtonguebutneverquitemakesitout,thefacethatdisappearsjust asquicklyasyourememberit,afainttrace,anextendedhand.

Mustbeimaginingthings Maybeheshouldswitchupwhat medshe’staking Maybetherearesomevitaminshe’smissing

There’saholeinyourheart

Blondehairandblueeyes

There’snothingtoforget,hereasonswithhimself.Theapartmentisstillthesame. Hestilldoesthesamework.Hisdaysarestillthesame.Whatcouldeverbedifferent?

Anormalenoughfacethateveryone’susedto Butwhy doesthatparticularpersonstandout?Whydoyoufeellikeyou’veseenthembefore?

Butevenonnormaldaysasnothingseemsoutofplace,hecan’thelpbutfeel irkedbysomething. Hasthisapartmentalwaysbeenthiscoldanddark?

thispressingnaggingfeelinginthebackofhisheadthatrefusestogoaway.Ishe forgettingsomething?

Yousetoutinthecityagain,andnothingisoutofplaceasitusuallyis,butthe hollownessinyourchestwithersawaythesecondyoucatchaglimpseofsomebody.

Afterhiscriesquietdown,Leilalooksupathimwithweteyes “We’llbeokay,right?”Leilaasks,exceptit’smoreofastatementthanaquestion. “We’llbeokay,right?”

Hefindsthathewantstobelievethattoo.

Youknowbecauseitopensagaping,emptyfeelingin yourchest,anditroars,coldnessrattlingyourbones.

Eteocleswasgivenahero’sburial,whilePolyneiceswasdiscardedintheplains, thenewking,Creon,declaringhimatraitorandleavinghisbodytothedogsand vultures.Antigone,disagreeingwiththisbolddecree,disobeysCreon’slawandburied Polyneicesbodyanyway.CaughtbyCreon,shedeniesnothing,andshowsblatantlythat shecaresnothingforCreon’slaworhimself,knowingthatsheisrighttoburyherdear brotherandlettingtheGodsbethejudgeofheractions.Enraged,andblindedbypride, 28

Theboywhowasprophesiedtobring aboutthedestructionofhisownkingdom.Adoptedbyadifferentkingdom,andlater travelingtoThebes,killingthekingandmarryingthequeen.With4children,heruled overthelandofThebes,untiltheprophecyshatteredhislife.Thepreviouskingof Thebes,theonehekilled,washisbiologicalfather.Thewomanhemarriedasaspoilof war,thewifeofthepreviousking,andhiscurrentqueen,washisbiologicalmother.One thathehad4childrenwith.Destroyedbytherevelation,Oedipusgougedouthisown eyesanddied.HissonEteocleswasgiventhethroneandhisotherone,Polynieceswas exiled Polyneiceslaterreturnedfromadifferentcountry,andthetwobrothersfought eachotherforthethrone,killingeachotherintheprocess.Onlythetwodaughters, IsmeneandAntigonewereleft.

EssenceFive:AntigonePt.2 ByRed ThestoryofOedipusisknownfarandwide

“Sometimes,IthinktheonlyreasonyoustilllovemeistousemeformyEnglish degree”IsmenesaysdramaticallyassheopensupthedocAntigonesendsher.

“That’sthetruthandwebothknowit

“IknowIsmene!ButIdidn’taskyoutostatetheobvious!.Ijustneedyouto proofreadmyessay.”

“Antigone,youcan’tjustputoffthecasefor2weeks,andexpecttheassignment nottocatchuptoyou”Ismenesays,herdisastroussisterpouringovertheassignment duethatnight

Antigonerollshereyesandhuffs.She’salwaysbeenheadstrong,anddiscovered herloveforlawandeverythingaboutitwhensheexperienceditinherschool’sMock TrialClub Shediscoveredherpassionabitlatecomparedtoothers,inherjunioryearof highschool,andyetshehadfolloweditwithnohesitation Herpassionforlawhadnever faded,andshewasstillgoingasstrongasever,butbadhabitswerebadhabits.And procrastinationneverlefther,nomatterwhatshedid.

Anyways,stopdistractingme Ihavetoo muchtodointhesefewhoursforyoutotalktomerightnow.”

Creonordersherburial,andleavesherlifeinfate’shands.Numeroustimes,heistoldby peopletoletAntigonego,thatsheisright,andhewaswrong,thattheGodswouldbe furiousforhisdecision.Hisson,Haemon,Antigone’sfiance,tellshimthepublic’s opinion,andhowtheysympathizeforAntigone.TheprophetTerisias,tellsCreonthat hugemisfortunewillbefallhimifhedoesn’trectifyhismistake

HisadvisorChoragus, tellshimtoswallowhisprideandsaveAntigonebeforeshereallydoesdieinthegrave IttakestoolongforCreontoswallowhisprideandgotosaveAntigone,andby thetimehedoes,Antigoneisalreadydead,havinghungherselfinthegrave.Herlifeless bodyclutchedbyHaemon,dresssoakedinhistears.HegrabsCreon’sswordandlunges athim,missinghisfatherbyahair.Struckbygriefandanger,hestabshimself,and bleedstodeathnexttoAntigone.Creon’swifekillsherselfattheendaswell,struckenby thegriefofherson’spassing

“Yesma’am”Ismenesalutes.

Attheend,Creonisleftaloneandnumb,hisownmistakes costinghislovedone’slives,andhishappiness TheGodsdecidedtotakemercyonthe poorsoulsofAntigoneandHaemon,andtheywerereborn.Butfateishardtoescape, andafateaspowerfulastheonethatledtoAntigoneandHaemon’sdeaths,isalmost impossibletoignore.ThisisthestoryofaheadstronglawstudentnamedAntigone,and anartistnamedHaemon.

Ittookherafewhours,butat3AMthenextmorning,shewasfinallydone.Her

Antigonewasabruptlywokenupthenextmorning,notbyheralarm,butbyher phone,ringingwiththetoneshecouldonlyrecognizeasoneperson,Polyneices. Polyneices,oneofherolderbrothers,wasmajoringinart,andveryoftenneeded Antigonetodrivehimtohisapartment.Acollegestudentwhocouldn’tdrive,andwhose classendedatthemostinconvenienttimetocatchthebus,imaginethat.

Antigonegroaned,thebackofherheadthuddingagainsttheseat.Well,shewasup andoutanyways.Mightaswellgolookaround.Majoringinlaw,Antigonehadnever reallygonetotheartssideofthecampusunlessitwasforPolyneices,sosheneverreally hadtimetoappreciatetheartworkstheydisplayedonthewallsbetweenandin classrooms Antigonewalksin.Thearchitectureinsidewasbeautiful,hugewindowsfilteringin sunlight,andpaintingshangingfromprettymucheverywallinside.Shewasmarveledat theplantsandflowers,whenshepassedbysomeone.Andsuddenly,shewasn’t marvelingattheroomanymore.Shewasmarvelingathim.Atallguy,withshaggy brownhair,andfreckles.Gods,hewasgorgeous.Andconfusingly,familiar.Therewas somethingabouthimsherecognized.Somethingshefeltshehadseenbefore. “Lookslikesomeone’scaughtyourattention”someonewhisperedintoherear Antigoneturnedaroundabruptly,hereyeslayingonthesightofPolyneiceslaughing.

“Yousuck.I’llbetherein15”Antigonegroaned.Itwasnormal,butherbrother wasNOTworththe6hoursofsleepshegot.Pullingherselfoutofherbed,shestepped ontothecoldfloorandwenttobrushherteeth.Truetoherword,15minuteslater,she wasinfrontofthecampuswherePolyneiceswouldcomeout Herphonebuzzed “Runningalittlelate.Hadtoaskprofsomething.Youcancomeinsideifyou want”

Antigonegroaned,openinghereyesandstaringatherphoneforafewseconds, beforepickingitup “What.”shesighed. “YoualreadyknowwhatI’mgoingtoask.Herein10mins?”

“Youactuallyjumped!Gods,thatwashilarious”hesaid,wipingtearsfromhis eyesashechuckled.

firstclasswasat10inthemorningtomorrowthankfully,soshecouldstillgetadecent amountofsleep.Sheyawned,tuckingherselfunderneaththecovers,andfallingasleep quickly.

“ButAniii”hewhined. Theycrossedthecourtyardquickly,settlingintothecar.Antigonedropped Polyneiceshome,hisloudmusicblastingonlyforafewminutes,beforewavinggoodbye andleavingforhernextclass

Shesmiled Herbrotherandshehadbeenluckytogointo thesamecollege,herotherbrotherEteoclesstudyingmedicinehalfacrossthecountry, andhersisterIsmenestudyingEnglishafewstatesaway.Theywereallapain,butthey wereherfamily.Thatmuch,shewasgratefulshestillhad.

Overthenextfewdays,Antigonerealizedshesawtheguywithfrecklesaround campusalot.Atthecampuscoffeeshop,atafewoftherestaurantsandstoresdownthe block,atthelittlegardensdecoratingthecampus Itwasstrange,seeinghiminplacesshe hadn’tnoticedhimbefore

Andeverytimeshesawhim,hermindwasfilledwithstrange memories.Afeelingpullingatthebackofherhead.Ablink,andthenthememoryinthe backofherheaddisappearing.Wordsonthetipofhertonguethatshecouldn’trecognize. ShedecidedtocallhimBirdie,afteralittletattooshenoticedonhisarm. Thedaycamewhereshecouldnolongerflutterabouthimlikeapassing hummingbird.Carryingabundleofpapersandnotebooks,Haemonranthroughthehalls. Antigonewatchedhimrunby,untiloneofhispapersdroppedontheground Adrawing Antigonewenttopickitup,but Birdiekeptrunning “Hey.Hey!Youdroppedyourdrawing!”shecalled.Buthedidn’thearher.He keptrunning,turningthecorneranddisappearingfromAntigone’sview.Shehadtocatch uptohim.Itwasnowornever.Maybeshe’llfinallylearnhisname,andfindoutwhyshe feelsthewayshedoesaroundhim.

Antigonehuffed,turningaroundandwalkingoutofthebuilding. “Antigone!Slowdown.Iwasjustteasing”Polyneicessaidplayfullyashejogged tocatchupwithher

“Yeawell,maybeyoushould’vethoughtaboutthatbeforeIwasyouronlyride home.I’mnotdrivingyou.”Antigonereplied.

“Hey!”sheyells,asshesprintsafterhim AntigonecatchesuptoHaemoninfrontofhisnextclass,butdoesn’tgettohim beforeheenterstheclassroom,soshewaitsforhimoutsideofit.Outofcuriosity, Antigonelooksdownatthepaperinherhands,andassoonasshedoes,ittakesher breathaway.It’sasketchofastatueofZeus,withvagueoutlinesofshadinganddetails. 31

Birdiestaresdownatitforasecondbeforeherealizeswhatitis Hiseyeswiden,andhesnatchesthepaperfromher,rushinga“Oh!Thankyou!”,before runningbackintotheclassroom.

Hesitsbackonhisthrone,onehandholdingupawomanwithwings,hisotherone carryingastaffwithabirdontop,Birdiedoesn’ttaketoolong,walkingoutsideofthe classroomreleasingassighasthedoorshutsbehindhim.

“So doyoucomearoundhereoften?”AndatthatAntigonelaughs,becauseyes, shedidcomehereoften Notlikethiswasthecollegeshewentto Shecoversherlaugh whenheseeshisfaceturnred.

“Notlikethat!Imean,obviously,you’reenrolledinthiscollege…probably…” Antigonelaughsharder.“ButImeantlikearoundtheartdepartment!”hesays,turning redderwitheverypassingsecond.“Ihaven’tseenyouinanyoftheclassesoraroundthe building.SoI’massumingyou’renotmajoringinart?”

“Hey”Antigonesays,asHaemonglancesaround,startled “Youdroppedthis” Sheholdsupthepaper

“Iamsosorry!IreallyneededthatpaperbecauseIhadanassignmentduetoday withaminiportfolio,andthatwasoneofthepiecesIworkedthemoston,andThank yousomuchforpickingthatupbecauseIseriouslywould’vebeenscrewedifyou didn’t!”hespills.

“Wait,you'restudyinglaw?That’samazing!Doyoumaybe…wanttotellme aboutitovercoffee?Youwererightaboutitbeingclosetohere”Haemon’swordsquiet downattheend,butAntigonefindsitcute.Herheartthumps.Maybeshe’llfinallyfigure outwhatthedistantlyfamiliarfeelingisthathegivesher “Ok”shereplies. Overthenextfewweeks,AntigonekeepsmeetingBirdie.Shelearnsthathisname 32

“Uhh,you’rewelcome?”Antigonereplies.Andjustlikethat,theconversations over,andbothofthem,standingthereawkwardlyuntilHaemondecidestospeak.

Antigonestandsinfrontoftheclassroom,startled.Birdiecomesoutnotlongafter, anapologyreadyonhistongue.

“Don’tworry,I’mjustteasing”shejokes “Butyea,you’reright I’minlaw I onlycomearoundtheartdepartmentwhenIhavetopickupmybrother.Thecoffee shop’sprettyclosetoheretoo.”

Butgoodthingsneverlast,andAntigonehadbeen experiencinggoodthingsforfartoolong

Antigonedroppedherphone

“Yes?”Antigoneliftedherselfup.Shedidn’trecognizetheman’svoice,andshe didn’tlikehowheknewhername.

“IsthisAntigoneRex?”

Bythetimesheknewit,Antigonewasalreadyrunningoutofthehouse,grabbing hersweaterwiththekeysinthepocket,andrunningoutinthecold,nightair.Shejumped intohercar,hershakinghandsbarelygettingthekeysintotheignition.Shecouldn’t think.Shecouldn’tbreathe.Shehadtogettoherbrother.Polyneices.Onceshegothim, theycouldfigureitouttogether.TheycouldgotoEteocles’apartmentandfindhim, doublingoverinhysteria,laughingatthemforfallingforhistrick Yea,that’swhatthis allwas Atrick ShedrovequicklytoPolyneices’apartment,onlytofindhimalreadysittingonthe benchinfrontofhishouse,withhiskneespulleduptohischestandhisheaddown.He looksupwhenhehearsthecarswerveinfrontofthesidewalk.Antigonelowersthe 33

Itwasmidnightwhenshegotthecall.She’dstayeduplateagainthenightbefore, asacollegestudentdoes.Herphonerang,wakingherup.Groaning,sheturnedaroundto checkthetime.Herclockflased3:24inbigbrightred.Pickingupherphone,she answeredthecall,annoyedatthepersonontheotherendfordisruptinghersleep.The voiceontheotherendwascool,professional

“Ihavesomenewsaboutyourbrother,Eteocles.”

isHaemon,thoughshestillcallshimBirdieinherhead.Whetherit’sforinsightonan assignment,forcoffee,orforlunch.Shestartsseeinghimeverywhere,andtalkstohim everyday.Sheforgetsthestrangelyfamiliarfeelingheusedtogiveherwhenshefirstsaw him,thebutterfliesinherstomachandchestoverwhelmingher.Shesitswithhimashe paintsoutside,andhesitswithherinthelibraryasshereadsovernewcases Shetook himtothecliffshelovedtohangoutin,andaskedhimout

Helookedecstatic,andthat day,hehadliftedherupandspunaround,laughinglikeitwasthebestthinghe’dheard intheworld.Shewasso,sohappy.It’dbeenawhilesinceshe’dsmilethismuchforone person.Afterherparentshaddied,it'sbeenhardforherandhersiblings.Buttheymade itthrough,justliketheyalwaysknewtheywould.Andnowtheywereallatcollege,too farawayfromeachother.That’swhyAntigonewasthankfulthatherPolyneiceswas nevertoofarfromher.Thingswerebetterthantheyhadeverbeen.Withhersiblings, withherstudies,withHaemon

“Antigone”shehears,awhisperfromPolyneices,likehe’safraidthatifhespeaks toloud,he’llfindouthe’snotdreaming.Antigonedoesn’tanswer.

window,andstaresathiseyes.They’rewidewithshockandfear,andshecanseethe darkcirclesunderhiseyesthatseemedtogetheavier.Shemust’velookednodifferent. Afterasecond,hescramblestohisfeetandgetsintotheothersideofthecar.Antigone doesn’tevenlookathimbeforesheputsherfeettothepedalandtheystartdriving.

Suddenly,Polyneices isn’ttheonecallinghernameanymore

Andjustlikethat,herquietworldisshattered.Thecarflipsover.Glassshatters. Shehearsherselfscream,distantly Thelastthingsheseesisherbrotheronhisside, bloodonhisfaceandglassshardsnexttohim Blackpatchestugatthesidesofher vision.

“Polyneices”shewhispers,beforeshecloseshereyes,lettingthecooldarkness washoverher,soshecan’tfeeltheblood,can’tfeeltheshock.Sheletsthefeelingwash overheruntilshecanfeelnothingatall.

It’sEteocles,whenhewas9,andaskedherto grabhistoyfromunderthebed.It’sEteocles,whenhewas15,andhelpsherwithher homework.It’sEteocles,whenhegetsacceptedintohisdreamuniversity.It’sEteocles, whentheyseehimoff,tearsblurringthevisionofherolderbrotherturningaroundand walkingintotheairport.It’sEteocles,Eteocles,Eteocles.

“Antigone.”shehearsagain.Butagain,shesaysnothing.Shecan’tseeanything excepttheblurringlightsinfrontofher,theredsandgreensofthetrafficlights,thebacks ofthefewothercarsoutat3AM.Thesignsandtreesflitpast,fasterandfaster. Antigone,Antigone,Antigone,shehearsinthebackofhersenses

“Ani!”AndsuddenlyEteoclesisgone.Thecarskidstoastop.Theworldturns silent It’sPolyneices He’shere Sheturnstofacehim,herhandsshakingonthewheel

“Antigone”Herepeats.Hishandscometoherface,cuppinghercheeks.She doesn’tseethelightsapproaching.Doesn’theartheskidofwheelsontheroad.She doesn’tseethecarcomingtowardsthem,untilsheseesherbrother’seyeswidenandhis mouthopenstoscream,“Lookout”.

Antigoneopenshereyestowhitewalls,andthesoundofabeepingheartmonitor Hermindflashestothenightbefore.Thecallwasfromapoliceofficer.Herbrother Eteocleswasinagrocerystoreatnight.Afewrobbershadcomeuptothestoreandheld thecashieratgunpoint.Eteocles,tryingtodefendtheman,hadbeenshot.Bythetimethe policegotthere,thetwomenhadrunawayinfearofwhatthey’djustdone,andEteocles

Ithurt Everytimeshethoughtabout EteoclesorPolyneices,itfeltlikesomeonewasstabbingherheartrepeatedly,laughing whiletheywatchedherbleedoutonthefloor.Soshedidn’t.Shedidn’tthinkatall.She’d sleep,orstareattheceiling.She’dlistentoIsmeneandHaemontalkonandon,even askingthemtokeepgoing,solongasshedidn’thavetothink.

wasgonefortoolong.Shestaredupattheceiling,hereyesweighingtoomuch,andher heartnumb.Right.She’dgottenuprightafterthecallandwenttogetPolyneices. Polyneices!Wherewashe?Antigoneshotupinbed,butherheadswirled,andshe fellbackdown Polyneices,wherewashe?Hewasok,right?Right?

“He’s “shelookedupatthedoctors Theynodded Eteocleswasdead,andnow, Polyneiceswastoo.Anditwasherfault.Bothherbrothersweregone,andtheywere nevercomingback.

Butshecouldn’tignorerealityforever.Whenthetimecameforhertoget discharged,bothHaemonandIsmenecametogether.Gettingoutofbedwashard.In bed,shedidn’thavetothinkaboutanything,butthesecondshesteppedoutofthe hospitaldoors IsmenewalkedwithherandHaemontoAtnigone’sapartment,refusingto leavehersideuntilherflightafewhourslater.Shealmostconvincedherselftonotgo backentirely,hadHaemonnotpromisedherhewouldlookafterher. Shortlyaftersheleft,AntigoneaskedHaemontotakehertoPolyneicesapartment.

Antigonefeltthetearsslipdownher cheeks,feltherheartclench,buteverythingfeltmorenumbthansheexpected Ismene wouldtalkhertosleep.She’dtalkaboutherclasses,aboutarecenttest,aboutherpartner, anythingshecouldthinkof.HaemonstartedcomingthedayafterIsmenedidtoo.He wouldsitbyherbedsideandstrokeherhand.Hewouldbringpaintingshedid,andtalk aboutthem.He’dtalkaboutthelawdepartment,andwhattheyweredoing.He’dbeen goingtotalktotheprofessorsaboutAntigone’sabsence,andbroughtherthenewshe foundout.Sometimes,hewouldjustsitthereinsilence,allowingAntigonetostare absentlyattheceilingwhileshetriedfallingasleep

Antigonehadamildconcussionandafewdeepwoundsaftertheaccident,soshe hadtostayinthehospitalforalittlemorethanaweek.Hersisterhadcomeinafterthe first3days,andhadcriedatherbedsideforhours

Thedoctorswouldn’ttellheranythingaboutPolyneicesthefirstfewtimesshe’d asked.Butshekeptdemanding,“WhereisPolyneices?Whywon’tyoutellmeabout him?”Everytimetheydeflectedthequestion,therealityofwhathappenedsunkdeeper anddeeperintoher.Shefeltthecoldspreaddownfromherhead,andshesatbackagainst thepillows.

Andhedid,drivinghertothecomplex,andwalkingheruptothedoor..Whenshe steppedthroughthosedoors,shesawhisthings,stilllayingaroundlikehewouldbeback anysecond.Theartworksdisplayedonthewalls,rattybandpostersherbrotherhadput upforthe“aesthetic”.Shesawlittlepaintprojectsonthewalls,flowersandfrogsinlittle corners,citiesanddragonsonthewalls

Antigonewalkedtothewindow,pushingaway thecurtain Thesecondthesunhitherface,everythingshewasholdinginsidehercame tumbledout.Howcouldthesunkeepshiningwhenshe’djustlosthertwobrothers?How couldthecitykeepmoving?Howcouldtheworldkeepgoing?Whydiditkeepgoing?It feltliketheworlddidn’tcare.Itdidn’tcarethatshehadlostherbrothers.Itdidn’tcare aboutherscars,didn’tcarethatherlifehadbeenturnedupsidedown.Howmanydays hadshepassedbylikethis?Howmanypeoplehadlosteverything,onlyfortheworldto keepgoing,forhertopassbyunknowingly.Itwasn’tfair,itwasn’tfair,itwasn’tfair!

Theweekswentbypainfullyslowly.Hergradesweredropping,herassignments wereneverdoneontime.Eatingwasachore,andgettingoutofbedinthemorningswas toohard.Haemonwouldtextandcallher.Hersisterwouldtoo.TheonlythingsAntigone feltthesedayswasnumb,sad,orguilty.Guiltoverhavinghersisterworryabouther, whenshehadlostherbrotherstoo.GuiltoverbeingthereasonPolyneiceswasdead. Ismenehadtoldhernottoblameherself,thatitwasn’therfault,butshewaslying.It was ShewastheonewhohaddrivenPolyneicesthatnight

Shewastheonewhohad stoppedinthemiddleoftheroadthatnight Shewastheonebehindthewheel,andshe haddrivenherbrotherstraighttodeath’sgate.Onebrother’sgraveturnedintotwo.The worldthathadseemedsobrightjustafewweeksagowasgone.She’dneverseengrief quitelikethis.Andnow,shewaslivingit.

“Yes”sherepliedinstantly.Sherememberedherbrothertalkingaboutthecontest

Itwasjustanotherdayaroundcampus,whenHaemoncameuptoher. “Antigone I ”hestarts,beforebitinghislipandswallowinghiswords “Never mindthat I IfoundoutthatPolyneiceswasgoingtosubmitsomeofhisartworktoa museumcontest.Sincehe’s…gonenow,Iwaswonderingifyouwantedtosubmititfor him?”

Anything Antigonebrokedown.Thetearswerefallingtoofastforhertostopthem.Her thoughtsweretumblingandtumblingandtumbling,gettinglouderandlouder.Haemon rushedtoherside,gatheringherinhisarms.Antigoneclutchedontohisshirtastightlyas shecould,hernailsdiggingintoherpalmsthroughthefabric.Andshecried.Shecried, andcried,andcried,untilshecouldcrynolonger.

Itshouldstop,itshouldmourn,itshoulddoanything

TheworldSHOULDcare

Shewouldrunaroundfordays,flittingabouthereandthere,trying tofulfillalloftheirremainingwishes WhetheritbeanothercontestforPolyneices,ora sideprojectofEteocles,sheforgottotakecareofherself,heroneoverarchinggoalbeing tofinishwhatPolyneicesandEteoclesstarted.Ismenerealizedwhatshewasdoing,and triedtotalktoheraboutit.ButAntigonerefusedtolisten.Shearguedwithhersister, turningheraway.Theaddedguiltjustmadeherproblemworse.Shekeptworking,and 37

Shehadn’tcomebackhereafterthedayshe’dbeendischarged Ithurt toomuchtoseetheinnocentremindersofhislife,whenhewasn’taliveanymore Antigonefoundthepaintingsonthewallnexttoalittlesetupofacanvas,abedsheet,and astool.Paintsandbrusheslaydiscardedonthefloor,acanvaswithafewstrokesofblue paintsittingatopit,likePolyneiceshadjustgottenuptogetsomething,andwouldbe backanymoment.Likeitwaswaitingforhimtocomeback.Therewerefourpaintingsin total.Thefirstonewasasmallercanvas,paintedinbrightcolorstoportrayarundown garden,withabeautifulstatueoftheblindfoldedLadyJusticecoveredinvines.The secondwasalittlebigger,apictureofthetwohandsalmosttouching,buthandsmadeof metal,withlittleflowersbloominginbetweenthejoints Thethirdwasaportraitofan oldmanholdinganoldcamera,smilingdownatitasheseemedtobelookingthrough thepicturesheldinthememory.Thefourth,andbiggestone,didn’thaveatitleor descriptionliketheothers.Instead,itcamewithalittlenote.

ItwasherethatAntigonestarted destroyingherself.

afewmonthsago,buthe’dneverreallybroughtitupthatmuch.SheowedPolyneicesthe world.Sheneededtomakeupforwhatshe’ddone;sheneededhimtoforgivehim.And sincetherewasnothingthatwouldbringhimback,fulfillinghiswishesseemedlikethe bestplacetostart.Shedrovetohisapartment,takingadeepbreathinfrontofthedoor beforesteppingin

For Ismene’s birthday, itread.WhenAntigoneflippedthecanvasover,herbreath caughtinherthroat.Itwasapictureofthem,afewyearsago.AntigoneandIsmenewere onthebacksofEteoclesandPolyneices,laughingastheyposedforthepictureinfrontof thedinertheyhadeatenatthatday

“DangitPolyneices.Youneverfailedtosurpriseus,didyou.Evenwhenyou’re gone,youjusthadtoonemoretime,didn’tyou?”Antigonesniffled,tearsalready runningdownherface.Butshecouldn’tstophere.SheneededtoseethatPolyneices dreamwasrealized.Breathingdeeply,Antigonewipedthetearsoffherface.Shetookall 4canvasestohercar,androdetothecampus.Shedidn’tstopuntilshecametooneofher brother’sartteachers,whohewasgoingtosubmittheartthrough Antigonespoketothe ladyaboutherbrother’spieces,andturnedthemin

Desperatetomakeupforherguiltanderasehergrief,Antigonetriedtodo everythingshecouldtomakeupforkillingPolyneices,andtriedtofulfilleverythingleft ofhimandEteocles

Thiswentonfor2months,beforeAntigonefellsick.Herconstantoverworking, mixedinwithherlackofselfcareandsleep,finallycaughtuptoher.Haemonwasather bedsidealmosteverydayuntilAntigonerodeoutherfever,bringingherfoodand medicine.Itbrokehishearttoseeherlikethis.HecursedtheGodsformakinghersuffer, forkillingherfamilyanddrivingherdownthispath.Antigonehaddonenothingto deserveafateascruelasthis

Thereshewas.Antigone.Sittinginthesunsetwiththewindwhippingthroughher hair,herbackfacingtheforest,restingherheadononeknee Haemonbreathedasighof reliefandsettleddownnexttoher

doing,andfinishing,andworkinganddoingandfinishing.Buttheguiltinherchest neverwentaway.ShecouldseethatHaemonandIsmenewereafraidforher.Numerous times,Haemonhadcomeuptoher,askinghertotakeabreak,tostop,tojoinhimfora walk,anythingtogetherselfoutoftheobsession.Butshewouldlistentonoone.Again, andagain,sheworkedandworkedandworkedandworked

Ifshecoulddoenoughfor hertwobrothers,maybe,justmaybe,they’dforgiveherforwhatshe’sdone

“Atcliff”itreadinbluebubbles.“Comejoin?”Itwasallittookforhimtogoto her.

“Beautifulisn’tit?”shesays,staringattheswirlingcolorsinthesky.Haemon hums,anddrapeshisarmoverAntigone’sshoulders,pullingherclosetohim. “Antigone…”hewhispers.“You’vegottostopdoingthis.Lookatyourself. You’retired,andthin,andpalerthanI’veeverseenyou.Youneedtostop.”

Antigonepushesawayfromhim,turningherheadtolookathim “IknowHaemon.Iknow.But,Ican’tstop.I’llnevermakeupforwhatIdidto Polyneicesotherwise.”shesaysasshestands.Haemonsighs. “Antigone,please.”hepleads.“You’redestroyingyourselfoverthis.”Hestands 38

ItwastheplaceAntigonetookhimwhen she’daskedhimout.Itwastheplacethey’dhangoutforpicnics,ortopaint,orjustto stareattheskyandstars.Butthatday,Haemonwasscared.Herushedtohiscarand droveoverquickly.Heduckedunderthetreesandfollowedthesmallpaththroughthe bushesbeforehereachedher.

Ononeofthedayshewasabouttogotoherapartment,hereceivedatextfrom her.

ThecliffwasaplacethatAntigoneusedtogowithPolyneices,Eteoclesand Ismenewhentheycametothecampustovisit

“Butitis!NomatterwhatyouandIsmenesay,itwasMYmistakethatledto Polyneicesdeath IfIhadn'tfreakedoutwhiledrivingthatnight,ifIhadn’tstoppedthe carwhereIdid,ifIwasn’tdrivingatall,thennoneofthiswould’vehappened!Butitdid! Anditcostmybrotherhislife!”Antigonetookastepback.“Eteoclesdidn’thavetodie. Hedidnothingtodeservethatfate.Didyouknow?”shechuckled.“Hewasstartinga projecttohelppoorkidsgettreatment,andmedicine?Howdaretheystealthatfrom him!”Antigoneyells,asshetakesanotherstepback.Haemonfreezes.

“DidyouknowthatPolyneiceswasgoingtogethisartshowcasedintheart galleryupinCalifornia,andhewasgoingtobetherefortheopening?Istolethatfrom him!Theybothhadsomanyprojects,somanyambitions,somuchtheyweregoingtodo fortheirfutures.Andnowthey’rebothgone!”Antigone’svoiceriseshigherandhigher, andshetakesanotherstepbackwards.

Haemonscreams.“Antigone!”

Thebottomofherfootmeetsair Struckoffbalance,Antigonefalls backwards HerhandsreachouttograbHaemon'sasherunstowardsher,butshedoesn’t reachthemintime.Shefalls…

upnexttoher.“Itwasn’tyourfault-”

“Youhavetoletmego.Haemon.Listentome.Youwon’tbeabletopullmeup.

Herbodyhitsthesideofthecliff.Haemon’shandgripsdesperatelyatherwrist. Antigonestaresdownatthetreesbelowher.Ifshefell,she’ddefinitelydie.Lookingup, shestaresatHaemon.He’sslipping.Thetopofthecliffhasnothingtograbonto,andthe suddenweightofAntigonehasHaemonstrugglingtokeepherup.Hisbodyslides forwardabit,jerkingbothofthem.Antigonepanics.

“Stop.”Antigonesayssharply.“Please,Haemon.Stop.IknowyouandIsmene thinkitsnotmyfault,butitis.I’mthereasontwoofmybrothersaredead,notjustone.I killedhim” “Antigone!Youdidn’tkillyourbrother.Youwerefrightenedandpanicking.You madeamistake,buthisdeathisnotyourfault.They’vealreadyarrestedthedriverthat hityouthatday.Stopblamingyourself!”Haemonsvoiceriseswitheachword,frustrated thatAntigonecan’tseewhatshe’sdoingtoherself.

Startled,Antigonetakesonemorestepback…Thistime,thereisnothingunder herfoottocatchher

“Haemon Haemon!”shecalled,untilheopenedhereyes Shelooksupatthem God,she’sneverseensuchbeautifuleyesinherlife.Sheshould’vespentlongerlooking atthem.

Shethinksofhersister,ofher brothers,ofHaemon.Shethinksofherfriends,ofherprofessors,ofallthepeopleshe’s met,beforeshehitsthetrees.

“Haemon!”Heturnshishead.Sheyells.Threewords.Shethinksshehearshim yellitback Staringupatthesky,Antigonecloseshereyestothesightofpurpleclouds, thesoundofthewindshootingpastherasshefalls

Twoloversandonefamily.Destinedfortragedynomatterwhichlifetheymeet eachotherin.Inthefirstone,deathbydefianceandastrongwillforjustice.Inthe second,deathbyoneself.Fateisapowerfulthing,andafate,acurse,aspowerfulasthe onethesesoulshave,isimpossibletoescape.

Yourbodyisn’tstableenoughontheclifftopullbothmeandyouup.Youhavetoletme go.You’regoingtofall-”

“No!”heyells HelooksdownatAntigone,andshecanseehowbrokenhefeels Gods,shehasn’trealizedhowselfishshe’sbeen “Haemon,please!Youhavetoletmego!”Andyetstill,herefuses.Antigonecan feelhisgripslipping,canfeelhisbodymovefurtherandfurtherdowntheedge.Shewas scared.Foreverythinglifethrewather,shedidn’twanttodie.Shehadsomuchmoreshe wantedtosee.Somuchmoreshewantedtodo.Shecoulddoitall,forPolyneices,for Eteocles,forIsmene,forherself.Shejustneededtime.Buttimewasup.Shehadher chance,andnowitwasgone ButHaemon’swasn’t “Haemon!Pleaseletmego!Idon’twanttobethereasonanotherpersondies!” sheyells. “Butyou’renot.You’renot…”Haemongritshisteethasafewstraytearsescape hiseyes.“Youdidn’tkillyourbrother.Itwasn’tyourfault.Ijustwantyoutorealizethat so ” Heslips Hisbodyfalls Antigonewatcheswithascreamonthetipofhertongueashe fallsoffthecliff'sedge

Asshedropsfurtherbelowthecliff,Haemonfollowingherdown asgravitypulledthemcloserandcloser.No,no!Thiswasn’tfair.Haemonhaddoneso muchforher.Evenwhenshewasbeingself absorbed,andselfish,anddestructive,he’d stuckwithherthrougheverything.Andshe’dneverevensaidshelovedhim.No,shehad too.Shehadtotellhim,before…

it’scalledCherophobia,itellher,thefearofbeinghappyandmymomsaysi’ve heardthattermbefore.surprisediaskherwhereandshesaysshereadaboutitinan

EssenceSix:Cherophobia ByAnonymous

Doyouevergetscaredwhenyou’rehappy,iaskatthediningtable,likescared thatyou’llbeunhappy?andmysistergivesmeoneofthoselookslikewhenitoldheri gotstomachacheseverytimeaftereatingfoodsoiask,isthatnormal?eventhoughi knowshe’llsaynoandshesayssure,yes

tonightishotforaFebruary,evenaCaliforniaone,andilaughlikebubbles becausemypoemcametrue,eventhoughididn’tmeanitto.theappleisverysweetbut, mysisterandiagree,notthesamebrandwegotlastweek.lessfirmness,lessofthe candysugarsweet

BeforeIgotosleepithinkaboutthepoem,theoneiwrote.feelslikesummer comeearly,skippedoverspring.maybeit’sclimatechange,maybeit’sseasonal,buti 42

Catch 22 until2ambeforegoingtosleep Catch 22 is mynewfavoritebookthati’vereadinclass.myteacherisright:itmakesyoulaugh,then hurts.ilikeitbecauseit’sfunny.iloveitbecauseithurts.

articlesomewhereandthinksitmustbesadtofeelthatway.

mydadsaysnottofocusonthefearyoushouldfocusonthepresentimeanit’s likewhenyougetagoodthing,youlikeit,butwhenyougetthegoodthingoverand overagainyougetusedtoitanditbecomesboringagain.that’snotwhatimeant,buti bitemytonguebecausehemeanshedonicadaptationwhichmeanspsychologyandour sharedloveforit there’samomentatthesinkwheni’mputtingmydishesinandmymomcomes overandasks,what,likesheknewiwouldstillbethinkingaboutit,andisaynothing eventhoughimeanttosaydoyoueverfeartheblackthingscreaminginyourheadtoget out,clawingatyoufromtheinside,andyouknowknow know it’sgoingtocomeback becauseitalwayshas,becauseit’sachemicalimbalanceandnotmyfault? butthenalsoithinkimakemyselfmoreunhappybytalkingaboutCherophobia, soishrugandsmileanddrawherintoapleasantconversation sometimesit’sbetterto keeptheevilthingslockedupinyourchestlikefearandhatredandhope buteventhen, eventhoughitwasmychoice,ican’thelpbutwonderamiLouisainGradgrind’sworld? fancyinalineartimeline?

Afterthecall,igodownstairs,wheremymomhascutanenvyappleformysister. iwaslatebecauseofmymeetingsoiwashonemyself,scrubbingthespeckledredskin. itlookspretty,likefrecklesorstars.

Wegoonoureveningwalklikewealwaysdo.ihaveameetingat10soihurry backandshowerandfinishmymathhomework.mathislinearsoidon’tlikeit.The peoplewhoareinmymeetingat10alllikemath.sometimesifeellikeafraud,waiting forthemtofindout,buttonightweareallstorytellerssoiletitpass. theyarefrommypresentandfutureandpast mostfromthepastthough,like ghostsbroughttolifethroughamediumihadn’trealizedwastherebefore i’vebeen talkingtothemforyears.theFridaymeetingsaremyfavoritepartoftheweekandthey scareme.oneSaturdayiwokeupdespondentwithaholeinmychestbecauseFridaywas overandi’dhavetowaitoneweektoreplicateit.Wehadanothermeetingon Wednesday.

tonight’smeetingstartsoffslow.iamskittishandthinkmyfearsthathappiness hasanendarefounded;thingsarenolongergood butweareus,andgetbackintothe flowofstorytellingeasily

it'salreadylate,soiread

personreunion:wewereat

ifearthatthesoftflowerbeds,theundergrowthwon’tlast,brownandcrackledup anddriedbysummer,andwildfiresstartingevenearlier.fearisintheair,andfearisgood kindling ithinkabouthowmaybeitalkedtoomuch,maybenobodylikestheme underneath,howinordertobelovedyoumustbehatedaswell;howcanyoubelovedif youdon’tstirupstrongemotion?

whenIwakeit’safteranightmare.ihavewastedawholeweekendandmymom isyellingatme,andiwakeupgaspingforairtofindthattimehasstilledandthe weekendisjustbeginning

atable,coveredbyawhitetablecloth,withknivesandforksandplates hewascutting applesormaybeiwas,andhishandshiftedoverminesoisaidsorryandpulledawaybut heinterlacedourhandsinstead.hishandwaswarmandiwonderedifhehadagirlfriend. buthejustheldmyhandandiheldhis.

whenifinallyconnectedthedreampulledusintoanin

laughbecauseit’strueandiheraldedit.rightbeforethetemperaturesshotuptothe70s thisweekinFebruary.skippedspring,indeed.

ithinkaboutbeingmyselftoomuch,happytoomuch,karmicretribution.ithink abouthowniceitfelt,likethereliefaftercrying,whenmyfriendhuggedmeafteritold heraboutCherophobiaduringscience.ithinkiaminlovewithmanypeople,andfall asleep.

Andwebothknewwewouldneverkeepintouchormeetagainandwesmiled becauseofhoweasyitwas,toholdhandsforadayonlyandnomore.andtheniwokeup again,forrealthistimeandthoughtaboutthatMurakamiquotefrom

1Q84. hesays lovingsomeonewithyourwholeheartissalvation,evenifyoucan’tgetwiththem.andi don’tparticularlylike1Q84orMurakami,atleastnotyet(ihaven’treadKafka),andi don’tbelievehisquote,butididthen,justforthatonemoment toknowiloveaboywhoonlylovesmeindreams,tolovesomeoneinmyfuture whodoesn’tknowtheylovemeyet,tolovethoseinmypastandpresentandWednesday morningsandFridaynightsandfairytalesandartandscienceclassesanddreamsand dreamsanddreams,andmyfriendsandthepeoplei’veknownforyearsornever,andthe peopleiwillbeinlovewith,anditstrikesmethenihaveeverythingilove.iamwhoi saidiwas.Andtheworldisgoldenandwonderfulandfull,likethesweetfleshofan apple

igobacktosleepbecauseitisnotaschooldayanddreamofawritingcampi oncewenttooversummer.itwaslastsummerandthereifellinlovewithaboywhofell inlovewithmywordsonetimeandthatwasitandwehadnothingelsetosay.thedream wasaboutareunion,onacall,onlyikeptdisconnecting.

EssenceSeven:MonstrousHumanity ByAnonymous 44

Wherehaditgone?Hewassurehehadseenthemoon,andsureenough,whenhe blinked,themoonwasbackinthenightsky.

Thestarstwinkledateverythingbutit,sothemonsterturned hisheadagainandagainaroundtheclearing,untilfinally,itlookeddirectlyatthebushin whichthemansat,andthemonstercaughthiseyes.

Themonsterwascrying.Fatredtearsrandownitscheeks.Itlookedaroundit,pointing itsheadtowardsthemoon,butanearbytreewasjustblockingitslight,illuminating everythingbutthemonster

Themanblanked Abuzzingbeganinhisears Thestoneheclutchedinhishands piercedhisflesh,andwhenthepainbroughthimbacktoreality,themonsterwasonthe groundagainwithitsheadlowered.

“Itdoesnotexist,”themanwhispered.

Thistime,hecouldseeit clearly.Ithadpurplefrillsonthesideofitsstomach,whichflutteredasiftherewasa breezepassingthrough.Asharpfinranallthewayfromthebackofitstailtoitsvery forehead,sosharp,itlookedlikeitcouldspearaman.Itseyeswereilluminatedinthe moonlight;wetandmorbidandcompletelydark. Itroared.

Themanloweredhishead..“Oh,”hemoaned.“Oh,aterriblemonster.Eightlegs? Eighteyes?AnArachnoid?No,nospidercouldbethatbig.Color?Black?Document this,showittotheworld?No,no,thereisnopoint,Iamalreadydead.”

Throughthetrees,themansawasilhouetterearup expandinginsizetothepointthe mancouldseenothingbesidesitanditsmonstrousblackbody.Itswayedforamoment beforeitletoutagreatroar.

Notwaitingforhisanswer,themonsterrearedupagain

Hebracedhimselfforwhenthemonsterwould dropdown,butwhenitdid,curiouslyenough,thegrounddidnotshakeandthemonster leftnocraters.Theskiesremainedclear,freeofanypanickedbirdsthatwouldbefleeing atthismoment,freeofanyclouds,freeevenofthemoon.

“No!”themancriedoutloud.“No,no,no!Godisgood,hewouldnotdothisto me!Youdonotmakesense,youdonotexist!Youarejustafigmentofmyimagination, 45

Athoughtoccurredtohim.“Ademon?Ademon,fromhell?Monster?No,a demon!Here!Cometopunishme?No,Ihavedonenothingwrong!Whythen,istherea demon?”

Thenoisealmosttorehissanityfromhisbrain,butthistimetheroarwasshorter, sohewasabletodesperatelyholdontoit

Themanshuddered.“Oh,oh,itislookingatme,pleadingatme,please,God!Please! How?Ididnotmove,didI?Itshouldn’tseeme,shouldit?Itshouldnotseeme,God, God,youhaverobbedmeofmylife,givenittoavilemonsterthatdoesnotdeserveit, thatdoesnotevenexist!”

Themonsterreachedup,almostreachingthatlittlespaceinwhichthemoon wouldhaveshoneonit,butjustbarely,itcameshort.Itopeneditsmouth.

Andthentheman,blindinhisfuryandhisdesperation,threwthestoneinhis handatthemonster.Inhismind,heimaginedittobeagreatboulder.Asittraveled throughtheair,itbecameevenmore:amountainwhistlingthroughtheair.Itshookthe Earthasitcrushedthemonster,andforamoment,theworldwasonceagainallright But thenthemountainmorphedbackintoastone,andwherethereshouldhavebeenthe crushedremainsofamonster,therewasonlyaman.Hewasonthevergeofdeath,and hehadblackhair.Hewasdressedinatatteredblackpairofjeans,andonhisrippedblack shirt,therewasapictureofsupermanonit.

“Amonster,”themanrepeated,andhestaredatthedyingmanforquiteawhile, allthewayuntilthemoonvanishedfromsightandthesunreplacedit,andthentheman left,hismindnowonotherthings,almostcertainlyhavingforgottenhismatterwiththe monster.Thatleftonlythemonster,whowasstilllyingthereintheclearingalone, wonderingifheexistedinanyonebutaninsaneman’sreality,desperatetocryoutone lasttimebutwithouttheabilitytodoso.

EssenceEight:AnUnofficialPromotion

“Amonster?”themanaskedcautiously,buttheman monsterwasstill.Theman movedcloserstill.

Itsbreathswereweak;theman

everythingthatholdsnoplaceinreality!Begone,monster!Youdonotexist!”

monstershudderedeachtimehedrewinabreath, andshudderedasheletoneout

It’sbecauseofthisjob.Myjobhasmestareatascreenwaytoolong.Assistant PropertyManageratPremierScapes.PremierScapes?That’sjustthemostinfluential apartmentmanagementcompanyinBoston.Andevenso,halfthepeopleItellaboutmy jobdon’tevenknowwhatwedo Andyouknowwhat?NeitherdoI

Lamentingmyunfortunatecircumstances,Ipickupacupofmyonlysourceof salvationinthisplace:coffee.Ah,sweet,sweetrelie “Ozzie,getbacktowork!”

It’slikethis:Ishowuptoworkatteninthemorning,papersandotherunknown junkinmyfauxleatherbriefcase(justsoIlookimportant),thenwalktomylittlecubicle (whereIpracticallylive)andstareatascreenuntilIgetoffwork,whichisusually aroundtenorelevenatnight.Soexciting,right?Thatwasmyattemptatajoke.Damn, thisjobhasmademethedullestpersonever.

Ialmostdropmycupinfrustration.Calmly,Iplacemycoffeebackonthedesk.I don’tevenknowwhosaidthat.AllIknowisthatIhavetoaimmyeyesatthesame, blaringscreenandgetbacktowork.Fine,coffeecanwait.Igrudginglyflipthroughthe paperworkonmydeskthatonlyseemstobuildupmoreandmore.Whenwasthelast timeIwenttothegym?

Horrendous Absolutely horrendous Ifingerthetattered,laminatednametagonmythree yearoldshirt Which,bythe way,Ihaven’twashedinamonth.Itprobablysmellsasgoodasexpiredmilk.NowthatI thinkofit,it’sprobablywhypeopletendtostayawayfromme.Thetagreads: Oscar Wallace. Aboringnameforaboringme.Well,it’ssuiting;Ifindjustabouteverything boringnow. Tick. Tock. Thenumbersontheclockseemtobemoving,wigglingaroundlike littlefuzzyworms.Irubmyeyes.Nope,stillmoving.Myeyescan’tseemtofunction properlyanymore Lastmonth,Igotmyeyeschecked Myoptometristhadgivenmea lookofpity Ifoundoutshortlythatmyvisionhadworsenedbyalargemargin An important lookingdocumentwashandedtome.Myworsenedeyesonlysawwords swimmingaroundonthepage,somethingthatseemstohappenmorefrequentlythese days.Butifyouaskme?Icouldn’tcareless.

Theminutehandontheshiny,newclockacrosstheroomismovingfasterthan me.Lookatit.Itmovesagain,signalingaminutegone,aminutewasted.Itsfaceis mockingme.Ha,me?Imustbegoingcrazy,thinkingaclockismakingfunofme.

BySophieLeung

Peoplewhoknowme atleast,iftheyevenwantto callmeOzzie Notreally thetypeofnamesuitedforapersonwhoconstantlyhasarestingfacethatresemblesa grumpycat.Mindyou,areallycranky,worn down,done with lifegrumpycat.Ozzieis someonewhoisartistic.Someonewhoholdstheirownartgalleryeventatafancy museumtwiceaweek.Someonewhogoesdowntownforadrinkwithfriends,inwhich 47

Imean,whatthe heck?

OscarWallacesuckinguptoatyrannicalbosstohaveasliverofachanceatapromotion Desperatetimescallfordesperatemeasures;I’vebeenworkingthesamepositionfor years.Ohright,letmeexplain why Iwantthispositionsobadly.

Thetruthis,IthinkIhaveachance

Thispastyear,I’vebeenstrategicallygetting recommendationsfromthehigher upsbybeingatotalgoody two shoes.Likeateacher’s pet,butforajob.It’salittlelossofpride,anddefinitelynoeasytask.I’ve single-handedlybecomemanythings:apersonaldriver,theguytocallifyouwant coffee,theguytodumpallyourunfinishedworkonto,someonetostepalloverand immediatelyrightafteraskingforatasktobedone,andothers.Sure,myeyesareblinder thanabatandI’mgettinghoursofsleepnopersonshouldhavetoget,butIcan sense it. Almosttasteit

Iglanceattheemployeeinthecubicletotheleftofme.Well,actually,Ithinkin slightsurprise,thenon existentone Wheredidhego?Ilookattheclock Itreadshalf pasteleven ThinkingImustbemistaken,Ilookattheotheremployees

Honestly,it’salittleembarrassingtoadmit

Youseetheguywhoisn’tathiscubicleatthemoment?Well,that’soneofthe benefitsofbeingaPropertyCoordinator.Youcantakebreaksasoftenasyouwant. Feelingabitofahangoveronemorning?Noproblem,justcallinsickandtheywon’t evenbataneye.PropertyCoordinatorsspendmoretimeoffthanattheworkplaceevery day

Acarhorndisturbsmytrainofthought.Iglanceoutsideandstoptostare.People arewalking,somehandinhand,otherswithasenseofpurpose.Liketheyhave somethingtolookforwardto,somewheretobe.Theskyisreallynicetoday.Arare occurrence.Usuallyit’dbeacertainsortofcloudygraythatmakesapersonfeellike 48

Apersonwhoisn’tsomeonewhoworksMondaytoFriday,twelvehoursaday. Someonewhodoesn’tstayupallnightbecausetheirstupidbosssentanemailat two in the morning askingforthefullmanuscriptoflastmonth’smeeting

Aroundme, peoplearestilltypingtheirlivesaway,answeringcalls,printingoutdocuments… working.Yep,it’sstillworkhours.ThenrealizationstrikesmeasItakeonelookatthe nametaglefthangingonthechair.Onlyafewwordsmattertome.Itreads:Property ManagementCoordinator.

Ofcourse. Of course. Thatpersonhaseveryrighttostrutoutthedoorwithout anyonebattinganeye.ThatpositionistheprimereasonI’vebeenpullingmyweightand somanyallnighterstheselastfiveyears

theyhavelotsof,everynight.Apersontogotoforcomfort.Apersonwhojust…seems interesting.

AndyetIfindmyselfpullinganall

nightertogetthatstupidmanuscriptthatmy stupidbosswantsreadybynextmorning.Isomehowmanagetoplasterabigsmile,all twenty-eightgleamingwhiteteeth,infrontofmybossasIhandhimmywork.Totally tryingtoplayoffthefactthathedidn’tjustcausemesleepdeprivation.Iremember thinkingatthatmomentthatit’llbeallworthit.

Ilookbacktowardthedirectionofthesunrayscomingfrom outside.AsIstareoffinthedistance,myeyesrelaxandfocusjustabitbetter.The soundsoflaughter,thebeckoningsun…ThisisallI’veeverwanted.Noonelaughsin theworkplace.Idon’thaveanythingtolaughabout,anyways.Gradually,Ifeelmyself startingtoletgo.

Ittakesaherculean amountofefforttolastaslongasIhave Sometimesthechainsofproductivitydon’t seemthattight,andit’sbearable.Othertimes,somethingseemstopullmerightbackinto theworkplaceIdespisewhenIbeginfeelingalittletooloose,toolax.There’snosuch thingasrelaxinginmylife.Notanymore,anyways.Sorry,mytrainofthoughtjustleads todarkplacessometimes.

they’reinsideasmokemachine.Well,that’swhatIgetforlivinginBoston.Andalso,the bigone:pollution.

Beinganofficeworkerisarealcommitment,letmetellyou

Pure hell.The pitifulfacesaroundtheroomhitmeinthatinstant.Isitjustme,ordoIfeellikeI’vebeen deceivingmyselfaboutwhatthisjobreallydoestome?Ilookatmyreflectioninthe

Buttodayisdifferent.Thesunisseepingthroughtheclouds,whicharenotasbig astheyusuallyare.Thebirdshavecomeout,allthecolorfulones,nottheusualcrowds orpigeons Condensationnolongerfogsuptheglass

Thecomfortingsunrayscontinuetoseepthroughthewindows,enteringmy thoughts,mybody.Myskintinglesatthewarmsensation.Thisissomethingnatural, nothingliketheartificialfeelingthatwaversaroundtheofficelikeputridsmoke.Ibegin tothinkthatthebeckoningsunraysaremuchmoretangibletohopeforthanapromotion thatnowseemsmilesaway

What’sthepoint?What’sthepointofsufferinganotheryear?ThenIremind myselfthatonemoreyearisnothingcomparedtothelastfiveyearsI’vesuffered Surely Icanhandleitalittlelonger right? Youknowwhat Iglanceattheslow movingclock screwthat. Ideftlyflickapieceoflintoffmydressshirt.Thisplaceishell.

I don’tevenenjoy.WhenwasthelasttimeItookanice, longwalkinthepark?Heck,it’snotlikeIdon’twantto.It’sjustbecause…Ican’t. Somethingsosimpleisjustoutofreach.

Myfingersare turningascoldasice

AllIhaveasasourceof lightisnotthecomfortingsun,butinstead,flickering,harshwhitelightsthatseemto glarestraightintomyeyes,evenifIclosethemjustforamoment.Seriously,what’sa guygottadotogetasliverofsleep?

Thelong,stainlesswindowsinmy buildingseemtosplittheroomandtheoutsideworldintotwo

Thesoundsofunhingedlaughteraremuffledagainsttheofficewindows.God,I feelmoretrappedthanI’veeverbeen.Thisnecktieisbeginningtofeelreallystifling now Thefaninthecorneroftheroomwhirrsandwhirrs,constantly

Imean,whywaitforanotheryearwhenitonlytakesten stepstoleavetheheckoutofhere?

Aroundme,thefacesintheroommirrormine.Weallresembledesolateghosts, oneswhohadjuststeppedoutofahauntedgraveyard.Ourbodiesareslowlyfailingusat ajobwedon’tevenenjoy.That

“Boy?Thanksforthecompliment,boss Ido considermyselffamousformyyouthfullook” Woah,howisitpossiblehisfaceturnedintoanevendeepershadeofred?Itlooks… almostpurple.Hepointsonepudgyfingeratme.“Lookhere.Iwantyouinmyoffice now.Don’teven think aboutwalkingout.Youwon’tevenbeabletoonceIgetmyhands onyou.”Withthat,hestormsaway,stompinghisfeet,makingafirmstatementwith everystep.Iimagineanangrypuffycloudoverhishead.Hm,fitting. Ilookaroundmeatmypeers,myco workers.Looksofshock,contained amusement,accusation,anddisbeliefarewrittenacrosstheirfaces

Mybossdoesn’tseemtoohappy.Hisfaceisred,vibrantlikeacherry,andmurder iswrittenacrosshisface.Itlooks hilarious! Thebestpart,Ithink,isthetinydropsof coffee, my coffee,drippingfromhisbig,bushymustache Wow,whatiswrongwithme? WhydoIfindthissofunny?TwoyearsagoIwouldhavebeenonmyknees,arealmess, beggingformercy.Nowmybossdoesn’tseemsogrand,nolongersomesortofpowerful figure.Instead,Iriskasmile.Iwanttolaughsobad.

blackcomputerscreen.Baggyeyes.Dryskin.Messy,oilyhairthatfallsintomyeyes waytoooften.Yeah,I’mjustaboutdonewiththisplace.

Justforthefunofit Idropthecoffeecuponthefloor.Itshatterswithadeafeningsound,almost magnifiedsincetherestoftheroomisincompletesilence,saveforsomeclicks,shuffles, beeps,andbuzzingofthemonitors.Iraisemyheadfromtheshardsofglassstrewnabout thefloor.

Boy?Well,thatmakessense.Tocompareatwenty somethingyearoldintheeyes ofamanwhoprobablycan’tdistinguishacellphonefromaslabofstoneseemsfair enough Mysmilegrowsevenmore

Thesightisjust.So.Funny. “Youthinkthisisfunny,boy?”

Itakealongsipofcoffee.Letthetasteofitrestawhileinmymouth.Ittastes sweet.Howdoessomethingbittertastesweet?Mustbepsycholog

Ihaveasuddenurgetospitehim

Onepush OnepushandI’mfree Ilaugh tomyself I’llbe free! Freedomisachievedsoeasily,justonepushofthedoor,but why didIwastesomanyyearstodothisonesimpletask?Youknowwhat?ForgetProperty ManagementCoordinator.I’msettingmysightsonanothertypeofpromotion.Inaway, I’mgettingwhatIwantedallalong.

Thedooropenssmoothlywithoutasqueak.Instantly,Ifeelthesunrayssoakmy

Actually let’snotthinktoomuch aboutthat. Gross,wheredidthatthoughtevencomefrom?Imustreallybegoinginsane. OnceIseehimdisappearfromsight,afeelingofreleasebloomsgraduallyfrom mychest.Ifacetheexit.Thedoorofthisbuildingisjusttenstepsaway.Thehonking carsoutside,onceanuisance,seemlikethesongsoffreedom. I’mtakingonestep.Andanother.Myfeetwalkslowly,tentatively,towardsthedoor.My handeventuallylandsonthesleek,ironhandle

“Whydon’tIseethosefingersmoving,OscarWallace?”

Butgeez,it’snotlike IjustaskedmybossthatIwanthimtoadoptme

bodyinradiatingwarmth.Asmilebloomsonmyface.Ihearthelaughterofchildren. Thehonkingofcars.Thelighttapsoffeetagainstthepavement.Yes,asnoisyasitis outside,Idon’tregretmydecision.Notatall. Ireceivedmyownpromotion.Thepromotionofbeingfree.

Havingtogettoazoommeetingandwaitisapainfulexperienceinitself.Onmy end,IhavetohostitforaprojectforEnglish.English-oneofthemostprimesubjectsto everbetaughtinAmericanschools,that’ssupposedtoteachyoungerindividuals literature,improvementonreadingandwritingskills,compositevocabulary,and reflectingonthemesandlessons that’sexactlywhatIdon'twanttolearn NowhereIam, havingtoredotheprojectthatIdreadeddoing,withmygroup Pleasetellmeyou'rean introvertwithouttellingmeyou'reanintrovert.

ByJorgePalacios

EssenceNine:MyExhaustingDay

Theysaid,“Doyou wanttoplayagame?Willyoubewillingtodie?”Everyonewasfreakedoutand speechless,whileIwaslike“Noway!”andendedthemeetingforeveryoneelseand closedmylaptop.Itwasonly5:35pm,andeversincethatinconvenience,nothinghas happened;itwasthedefiningmomentofZoommeetingsingeneral.

Furthermore,whencreatingazoom meeting,therewasasilentpeaceformymindtobein,untilGabbycamein.Thencame LizandJacoblateron,disturbingtheawkwardsilencethatGabbyandIhad.Thenlastly cameManuel.Idon’twanttogointomoredetails,butitwasn’tasbadasIthoughtitwas goingtobe;Gabbytookmostofthework,andwedidn’thavetoconvinceManuelalot todotheminimalwork.Rightbeforethingswereallcomingtogether,someonecamein thecallthatIdidn’tevenletin,ahackermaybe?Then,thisuserwhodidn’thaveaprofile picture,startedtospeakwiththemostdeepandunsettlingvoice

Beforethat,itwasdifferent

Animalsbegantodie.Peoplewouldfindtheircarcassesinthestreets,undertrees,under cars,rotting.Andyettherewasnorotting,nodecomposition;theyweremerelydead. Theirbodieswerecold,stiff;buttheydidnotfadeaway,crumble.Theymerelyremained there,eventuallycartedawaybythesanitationauthority,tobeburieddeepunderground, tobeforgotten.

Itwasasinglesheetofpaper,driftingthroughthewind.Astripofbluetapestillwas attachedtothetop;useless,now.“Missing,”itread,thefaceofayoungwoman.Her namewaswrittenbelow,adescriptionofherfurtherbelow,aphonenumberbelowthat. Margarettookit,asitfloateddown,abouttosettleontheasphalt

Shehadbeeninthe cityonlyafewdays;shehadmoved,gottenanewjobhere Throughherwentashock, oneofworry.Ithoughtthiswasasafeplace,shethought.Shehadcomefromalarger city,whereshefearedwalkingaloneinthenight;here,shethought,shewouldnothave toworry.Here,shethought,thingslikethiswereunheardof.Butithappened,itwas reality.Bettertobesafe,bettertotakeprecautions.

Thedisappearancehadindeedbeenunusual.Suchathinghadnotoccurredforthepast tenyears;forthepasttenyears,infact,thecityhadbeentranquil,almostdevoidof crime

EssenceTen:WithoutEnd ByArindamDattaandButterfly

Theairbecameunbearablydry;lipsbecamechapped, skinflakedoff,cracked.Itwasasthoughthecityhadbeenplungedintosummer,butnot intothemildsummertheyhadhad;itwasadesertsummer,boilinghot,theairdrybutat thesametimestale.Itdidnotmove;itwasstill,almostparalyzed.Therewasnowind,no breeze,nothing.

Thingshadbecomedisplaced,asthoughtheyearhadbecomefragmented;theheightof thesummerfindingitswayintothemidstofthefall

Almostexactlytenyearsago,threewomen,ofsimilar ages,haddisappearedinthespaceofamonth.Theyleftnotraceoftheirexistence behind;itseemedthattheyhadbeenpluckedoffthesurfaceoftheEarth.An investigationfoundnothing;itseemedasthoughtheyhadsuddenlyevaporated.There werenosuspects,nomotive,andnoevidenceofanythinghavinghappened,apartfrom thetotalabsenceofthethree.

Itwasafewweeksafterthatthattheweatherbeganto“turnsour”Itwasautumn;and yettemperaturesroseandrose

Theearthitselfbecamewarm.Touchingit,evensoil,onefeltasthoughonewasaboutto beburned;therewasalsoanunusualthrumminginit,asthoughitwerealive.Itwasfast atfirst;butasthedayspassed,itbegantoslow.Inslowing,however,itbecameviolent.It wouldlurchupinplaces,hot,disintegratingsoileruptingfromtheground,theearth trembling Peoplebegantofallillthemselves.Itwasfirsttheelderly;theywouldcollapse,whether fromtheheatorfromthesmell,orfromboth,suddenly,theireyesclosing,theirbodies goinglimp,comatose.Thehospitalsbegantofillupwithbodies,stilllivingbut unmoving,stiff.Someeventuallyhadtogoonthefloor.Itseemed,atfirst,tomerelybe heatstroke;butnothingseemedtobeabletorevivethem.

Onthedaywhentheysaiditallended,therewasaprecipitousdropintemperature.A greatwindblewoverthecityanditsenvirons,overthehills,acrossplains,whistling throughtreesandbuildings,astrongwind Onecouldnotstandoutsidewithoutsupport, sopowerfulitwas.Thencametherain,pouring.Rainfilledthestreets,seepinginto buildingsandcarsandallthatwhichpeoplehadcreatedovertheyears.Itturnedlawns andmedianstoathick,darkmud;itdidnotstopforthreedays.Life,movement,again, returningingreatforce.

Thecityfellintoamalaise.Death,theendofperception,theendoftime,surrounded everyone;peoplewerefrightened.Eachfeltthattheywouldbethenexttosuccumbfrom thisseeminglysupernaturalforcewhichhadengulfedthecity.Noonefeltstrongenough tostanduptoit;everyonefeltequallyvulnerableandweakagainstit Everydayseemed slowerandslower,themiserylongerandlonger

Theirbodiesseemedslowed,inaway Theirheartbeatswereslowed;theirbreathingwas slowed;eventheimpulsesoftheirbrainswereslowed.Yettheywerestillalive,although theywereslow,andslowingwithtime.

Butitwouldendasquicklyasitcame.

Eachpassingmomentseemedtobe comingclosertolastingforeternity,astimemarchedon;comingclosertobeing infinitelymiserable.

Onthethirdday,therain,assuddenlyasithadbegun,stopped.Theyhadstopped,just likethat;thepeopleofthecityseemedtohavebeendelivered Thecomatoseawoke,asthoughtheyhadmerelybeenasleep; thecarcassesdisappearing seeminglyovernight.Thespecterofdeathreceded,andneverreturned. Aweeklater,twoofthemissingwerefound,runningthroughthestreetsandscreaming 54

Soshestaredattheclock,watchingitsdarkhandsclick,movearoundslowly Aclock wasadeceptivelysimplething,shethought;butatthesametime,couldonecallit deceptivelycomplex,betweencivilizationandtheinventionofthemodernclock,how manyyearselapsed,inspiteofourobsessionwithtime?Timepassed,itwasstolenfrom us,wewantedtoknowhowitpassed,toknowwhatwasbeingstolen,toknow,forsure, 55

Shesharedanapartmentwithtwoothers

Shewasveryyoung,onlyateenager,andhadnoconnectionsto seeminglyanyone.Herparentsweredistraught,buttheylivedelsewhere.Noonereally cared,then.Nowshe’dbeenforgottenbyall.

Thethirdwasa stranger,onlyavisitor

Thethirdwasneverfound,butitwasnotreallyalosstoanyone

Shewasdistantfromthem;theydidnotbother eachother,althoughtheothertwoseemedtobevaguelyfriends Theyweretherewhenshearrived.Acrisp“goodevening”wasexchangedbetweenthem, theironlyrealregularinteraction,andthatwasit.Sheabsentmindedlydroppedtheposter shehadgraspedontothefloor;shehadn’treallybeenconsciousofpickingitupinthe firstplace,beforelyingdown,onastiff,ancientmattressinherSpartan,tinyroom. Thingswereexpensivehere;shecouldnotaffordluxury.

Theterror,thestillnessandthedeath,hadended;thetownmovedon.Therewereno questionsintohowitended,noquestionsintowhyitallhadtakenplace;ithadended, andthatwasallanyoneneededtoknow.

Whatwastheretodo?Itwasnotevenyet8:00;shehadnoremainingwork Wastetime, sheguessed.Shetookoutherphone.Nothingimportant,nothinginterestingthere.She reachedunderherbed,tookoutabook.Shereallywaswastingtimenow;shehadread thatparticularbookhundredsoftimesbynow,itspageswell-worn,roughtothetouch, andalmostfragile.Wastherenothingnewtodo?Eavesdroponherroommates?Stareat thepeopleonthestreetfromherwindow?No,howevertantalizingbothmayhave sounded,giventheextremelackofoptionsfor toorude.

Andnow,tenyearson,anotherwomanhaddisappeared Noonethoughtitconnectedto whathadhappenedtothepast;perhapsitwasmerelyamisunderstanding,perhapsshe hadmerelybecomelost,perhapsitwouldallberesolvedinafewdays,peacefully, pleasantly.Peoplewereperhapsalittlemorecarefulofwhattheydid,wheretheywent; butthatwasall.Maybe,perhaps,thiswasallevenjustamisunderstanding. Margaretreturnedhome,thepostergraspedtightlyinherhand,afist,walkingbriskly.

hysterically,inthedarknessofthenight.Theyseemedphysicallyfine,whenexamined; whentheyhadcalmeddown,recovered,theyseemedtobeunabletorememberanything oftheirexperience.

“I’llhavetorun,”hesaid.Hewastrippingoverhiswords,hewasbreathingdeeplyand quickly.Somethinghadgonewrong.

“Wecouldgotoher,instead”saidMarianne Shesighed “Regardless,wedon’tknow anythingdefinitively” “Itdoesn’tmatter.Ican’ttaketherisk, Ican’tstayhere.Asforher,shecan’thelp,it’s beyondevenher.”Hewasstillalmost-shouting,hisvowelslong,drawnout. “Runningwillmakethingsworse,probably.She’dbemorehelp.It’snottheendofthe world,anyways.”

“Youcouldfindthem,doitagain.”

thatwewereinexorablywastingaway.Peoplewant,they’vewantedallalong,toknow things,tohavecontroloverthings.Theclockgavethemknowledge,knowledgecreatesa desireforcontrol.Peoplenowknowtime;thus,theywanttocontrolit.Peoplearea powerfulforce;surely,theywouldeventuallygainthatcontrol,outofpuredesire. Therewassomethingterrifyinginthatthought,butshecouldn’tquiteputherfingeronit. Wasitagoodthingforpeopletohavecontroloverallthings,tobecomeessentiallyGod? Wasitaheresyofsorts?No,thatwasallnonsense,thinkaboutmoreimportantthings. Therewasalightcrinklingofpaper,andthensomethingapproachingashoutfromoneof herroommates.Strange;neitherofthem,neitherAlexnorMarianne,werethatsort,to makeoddnoises ItwasAlex,shethought,intheend.Why?Nowshewaseavesdropping;shedidn’tto, butshewascurious.Thiswasanaberrationinthehighest.

“He’sgoingtoleave Iknowhim,hewon’tstay He’snotfoolhardy,notstupid He knowshe’sgoingtobethefirsttodie Theywant,they’vewanted,tokillhimsince then.”

“You’venoidea Ialwayswantedthis God,you’venoideahowmuchIwantedthis I wouldhavekilled,then,tohavethis.Ican’tgoback.”Alexwasbreathingdeeply, quickly;hereallywasshoutingnow,almostscreaming,buttherewasadesperationinhis words.Eachwasenunciatedasthoughhewaschoking,strugglingtopushthemout. “It’snotacertainty.Youcouldgotohim,instead.Wasn’thetheonewho…”

“Andkillingher,theWomanofTime-thatwouldnotstopanything,either?Ihaven’t readorobservedanything-”

“Soon.They’vebegunitalready…they’lltakehertothegreatwheel.”Helaughed.“And thewomaninthewheel,whispering,croakingthroughitscreakings,trappedintime, God,Irememberittoowell.Theconsequencesofplayingwiththatsortofthing…”

Mariannespokeagain,reciting.Hervoicebecamealmostawhisper;andyetthere seemedaterribleweighttoherwords;theydragged,theyseemedraspy,rough,although theywerenot “Thewholethingislikeaclock,fittingly;itismoredifficulttoslowor speeduponethantomerelystopone.Bothrequireenergy;andthereisnoassurancethat eitherwillbepermanent.Onemayputagrainofsandinthewheeloftheclockandstop itsticking;thatdoesnotpreventitfrombeingremoved;onemaychangethelengthofthe springtoslowit,butthatdoesnotpreventitfrombeingchangedagain.Theonlysure wayistodestroythewholeclock,toleaveitinpieces.’”

“Maybe.”Itsoundedasthoughhewerepullingathishair,hisbreathsstilldeepand quick.Hesniffed.“Maybe,maybe,Idon’tknow.ButIwanttoholdon.” “It’syourownchoice.Butageseemstohavecorruptedyou.”

“Noneofus nother,nothim,notI havetheenergytodestroyitall,”saidAlex,not reciting,itseemed;therewasforceinhisvoice “We’ddie,andeventhenthere’dbeno assurancethatitwouldbegenuinelydestroyedand‘inpieces.’”

“Ihadnothingtolosethen ButIhaveeverythingnow Idon’twanttoloseit Idon’t wanttohavetowakeup,everyday,likethatagain.I’mfreeofthat,Iwanttobefree,I needtobefree.”Hewasquieternow;hiswordswerenotsofranticandanxious.Itwas almostasthoughhewerereminiscing,andperhaps,inasense,hewas;buttherewasa sharpturnattheend,ofanger,almost,butnotquite,ofdesire.“ButI’lldoit,ifIhave to.” “Whendoyouthinkit’llbegin?”Marianneasked Hertonewasseriousnow,not conciliatory,notcomforting Hervoicewascarefullymodulated;herwordswere enunciatedclearly.Shewasnotskippingoverconsonants,notslippingacrossvowels. Shewantedtoskiptoanother,moreserioussubject.

“Anywaytoslowit,perhaps?”Marianneoffered Itwasnotaquestion,althoughher intonationdidgoupattheend;thetonewasnotoneofinquirybutratherofkindness,of suggestion. “Youknowexactlywhythat’simpossible.”saidAlex,sighing.

“AsmuchasI’dliketosaythatyou’rewrong,”saidMarianne,“you’reright Lookat them,lookatus;we’remerelyscurryingaroundinpursuitofourowngoals.Dowecare aboutnooneelse,haveweevercared?No,notreally…”

“‘Aphenomenon,’”saidAlex.“‘Amiracle,tohavesurvived.’Wasn’tthatwhattheysaid, whentheysentyou?Iamnoone,nooneatall,completelyordinary Itwasall selfishness,youknow

“Doesn’tmatter.Theirinterestisscientific,morethananythingelse;myinterestis scientific,”saidMarianne.Hervoicenolongercarriedcompassionwithit;itwasnot harsh,either,however.Matter of fact,thatwaswhatitwas.“Andnow,”shecontinued, nowalmostmournfully,“well,wehavethechancetodiscovermuchmore,butatthe sametimewecouldloseitall”

“They’llkillyou,they’llkillher,they’llkillhim,”saidAlex,nowbitterly.“Noneofus caresawhitaboutallofthis.Yoursocietycaresaboutitsresearch,nowitsexistence;the restofusourlives.Ifothersdieandwelive itdoesn’tmatter.We’dbefine,we wouldn’tcare.”

Alexinterruptedher.“Thatwouldsolvenothing.Sheiswithinthewheel,thecog,she speaksthroughit;butshewas,is,merelythelinchpinthroughwhichitallwascreated. Tokillherwoulddonothingtoititself;butitwouldcompletelydetachitsmaintainers fromreality Sheistheonlythingreallyholdingitallbackfromgoingcompletelyinsane Idon’tblameyouforbelievingthatitwoulddosomething;intheliterature,Iimagine, there’satendencytoconflatethetwo.”

Ididn’twanttodie Nothinghasreallychanged,sincethen And theystillputmeonapedestal…”

Butit’llallbefornothingif thisalldies,withersaway,disappears Tome,atleast,preservingallofthis,saving ” hereshechuckled,albeitruefully “itisimportant.”

“Regardless,I’mleaving,”saidAlex.“Haveyoursociety,yourorganization,callmeif 58

“Thereis,”saidMarianne.“ThisisthefirsttimeI’vereallyhadtothinkaboutitthough. Beforemyjobwas,well,merelystudyingyou.”

“Doesn’tmatter Itcanbeinvestigated;wethusinvestigate

“Science!”Asuddenexclamation,moreadismissal,byAlex.“Noneofthisisscience, youcan’tseriouslyconsideritscience.It’sunexplainable,byscience.Itcanbe investigatedscientifically,butthereisnorationality,nonaturalityinit.Itisbeyond science,beyondnature,beyondthephysicalworld.Itisphilosophy,itis…”Herehe trailedoff,pausing,sighing.“Youknow.”

Itwasalso,perhaps,therevelationofagreatmassofknowledgeunknowntoher.The compulsionofallpeopleistoknowmore,tohaveone’shandsonknowledge,tograspit, andthustocontrolit,tokeepitforoneself Theexistenceofknowledge,agreatmassof knowledge,hadbeenrevealedtoher;andyetshecouldnotquitegraspit.Itwaselusive; andinthatelusivityitwasterrifying.Shedidnothaveit,shedidnothavecontroloverit; thatterrifiedher,subconsciously,asitdoesallhumanbeings.

Margaretthoughtvaguelyaboutgoingsomewhere

thingsreallystarttofallapart.I’lltrytodosomething;butI’mnotstayinghere,towatch everythinggotohell.Perhapsshe’llsaveyou,thisonewhohasbeentaken;she’s probablyyourbesthopeatthispoint.”

Iamselfish,asall peopleare,butItrytoworkagainstthat.Youdon’t.”

“You’reapieceofwork,youknowthat?”shoutedMarianne,inasuddenburstofanger “Youspeakaboutallthesethings,andyetyoukeepdoingthem

Anendtothings,thatwaswhatshewasafraidof.“Things,”“everything;”theywere conceptsthatnopersoncouldreallycomprehend,fully.Thescopeofeverythingwasfar greaterthanthatofaperson;forthelattertobeconfrontedbytheformerwasthegreatest terrorthatcouldexist

Shewasnotmeanttoknow,either.Theyhadcloakeditallinsecrecy,instrangeand vaguewords;shecouldnothavebeenmeanttoknow.Ifshehad,theywouldnothave spokeninsuchaway.Shewasnotevenmeanttohavebeeneavesdropping;tohaveheard anyofthewordstheyspoke.

“I’vehadenoughofitall,”saidAlex.“Ijustwanttoliveinpeace.” “‘Inpeace,’ohGod,‘inpeace,’inpeaceforwhat, threemonths?You’llleteverythingbe destroyedsothatyoumaylive‘inpeace’forjustafewmonths?”

Therewasnorealdangerforherasaresultofknowing;and eventhen,sheknewverylittle

Shefeltasthoughshehadstumbled acrossforbiddenknowledge,dangerousknowledge,somethingthatshewouldhavebeen betteroffnotknowing.Shefeltalmostdirtied,stained,justbyknowingwhatlittleshe knewofwhattheywerespeakingof.Itfeltmoredangerousinsidethanoutside. Shedidnotknowquitewhy

Itwaspossiblethatbothherroommateswereinsane,as well.Buttherewassomethingveryhauntingintheirwords,intheirspeakingofaforce, seeminglyinexorable,thatwouldsomehowbringanendtothings.

Shepushedherselfup,handshardlypressingintothebed,sofirmitwas,herfeet touchingthewarmcarpeting.Shefeltalittledrowsy,alittlewoozy;shewobbledalittle asshestood.Butshegotupjustfine,andpushedopenthedoor.

Asshepassedher,Marianneshookalittle,exhaling,asthoughshehadescapedsome greatdanger. Shegraspedthedoorhandle,coldnow,turningit,openingthedoor

AlexandMariannnewerefrozen

Theywerenotshocked,merelyfrozen

Itwasnotas thoughtheyhadbeencaughtdoingsomethingembarrassing;morethattheyhadlet somethingveryimportantout,andthattheywouldhavehelltopay.Fear,terror,thatwas attheheartoftheirsuddenfreezing,morethananything.

Whathadshejustheard,whatdiditallmean?Shewasterrified.Shecouldbarelymove, shecouldn’tgoout,thatwasoutofthequestion.Shefeltasthoughshewouldbe attacked.Shehaddonesomethingterriblywrong,someone,somethingmalicious,would gether Theyweretalking,again.Shecouldnotmakeoutwhattheyweresaying,buttheywere talking.Whatabout?Her,probably,sheguessed,herandwhatevertheywerefearfulof.

Shecloseditbehind her,leaningagainstit,staringintothecorridor Itwasdifficulttobreathe,asthougha greatforcewaspressingonherlungs,crushingthem;difficulttoswallow,asthoughher throathadswollenup,asthoughsomethingwerestuckinit.

Shewasterrified,andyetatthesametimeapartofherwantedtoknowmore. Time.Timeisaninterestingconcept.Itmarcheson,itsunmistakablefootfallsawarning signofmoredeaths,butmorelife.Timeiswhatkeepstheworldmarchingon,andevena slightshiverofitsconsistentpacesendstheworldintomayhem Thecityknewthis,of course,andtheeventsthathadoccurred,thecityknewtheywerenothingnatural Time’s marchhadbeenaltered,andtherewouldbeapricetopay.

AsMargaretprocessedherrevelationsinthedimlylitcorridor,abangfromherformer apartmentdoorechoedthroughthesolitaryhallway.Alexranthrough,thewind precedinghisescaperufflingMargaret’shair.Asherantherestoftheway,heturnedto Margaret,albeittoutteroneword, “Run” Alexleftthebuilding,andMargaretheardthescreechoftiresdriftingacrossthe pavement.Sheturnedback,ponderinghernextmoves.Wasitworthleavingherlife,her newcity,topursuewhatshehadjustlearned?

Margaretwasbewildered ShehadmetAlexandMariannewhenmovingintothe apartment,andtheyhadofferedtosplittherent Shehadagreed,aquicksolutiontoher dwindlingmoneyproblems.

Assheturnedback,asicklysweetsmellbegantofillthebuilding.Margaretwalked forward,coughingassheenteredherformerapartmentoncemore.Sheneededtimeto processwhathadjusthappened.Butassheenteredherroom,sherealizedwhatthesmell proclaimed Withoutanotherword,sheranthroughthebuilding,exitingjustasthefirst signofflamesblewontothefrontofthebuilding

“Margaret,youemitenergy.Youweredrawntothiscity.Youweredrawntotime becausethat’swhereyouoriginatefrom.Youemitenergynotnoticedbymeremortals, 61

“Who?What?Whatisthis?WhydidIhavetocomewithyou?Doesthishaveanything todowiththemissingwoman?”

Mariannelaughed,ashrewd,cunninglaughthatdidn’tmatchherdemeanor. “Margaret,doyouknowwhywemovedinwithyou?”

Fatehadmadethedecisionforher.

Theflamespread,coveringthe buildingasMargaretcontemplatedwhatshehadlost.

MariannegrabbedMargaret’shand,andturnedtothesolitarycarintheparkinglot.A dullblackglarereflectedoffofthecar,theflamesreflectinginitsshinedwindows. Marianneenteredthedriver’sseat,whileMargaretenteredthepassenger’s.Theengine purred,thengunnedasthecarpulledoutofthelot,thebuildingburningbehindit “Whoareyou?WhoisAlex?AndwhoistheWomanofTime?”

MarianneglancedatMargaret,asifforgettingshewaseventhere. “Notrightnow.He’sgoingafterthem.Thegirlandboy.They’vestartedthiswholething. They’rewhywe’rehere.”

Timeisaninterestingthing.Itgivessomuch,yetitoftentakesmore. AsMargaretturned,shefeltahandonherback.Mariannewasthere,herfaceflushed withsootandash.Shehadbarelymadeitoutoftheflames,andwithoutaglanceatthe building,herpiercingeyesboredintoMargaret “Weneedtogo.Weneedtoleave,rightnow.”

Butshe,drawntothecity?Whyhadshemovedherein thefirstplace?Itwasforajob,ithadjustbeenacoincidence,hadn’tit?

Butithadn’t.Timeisaninterestingconcept.Itcanmanipulateyou,manipulateyour actions.AndsuddenlyMargaretunderstood.

“He’stakenher.What’safewlivestohim,ifitabidestoTime?Sacrificesgalore,though heneveroncestopstoseethedisparityofitall.Heneverseesthebarbarityofdeath,ifit savesmore.Moralityisastrangething.”

Sherevveduptheengine,andthecarspedofftothelocationofthemysteriousboy. Astheydrove,Margaretpondered Alexhadevidentlybeencorrupted,aservantto morality.TheWomaninTime,evidently,wasanevildoer,stuckinthecogsoftime forever.Shestillwasn’tsureofthesignificanceoftheboyandthegirl,butthewhole ordealhadtobeconnectedtothemissingwomenandthedryspell.

Mariannegotoutofthecar,andleanednexttowardsit.Tiretrackssnakedthroughthe plain,headingoffintothedescendingSun.

Mariannecursedunderherbreath.Alexwasgone.Hehadevidentlybeenhere,buthad left,albeitquiterecently

butyouaretheonewhocanstoptheWomanofTime.Youaretheonewhocanbringthe 2womenback.Youaretheonewhocansavetheworldfromtheeternalstoppingof time.” What? SheknewabouttheWomanofTime,shehadoverheardhowshehadbeenstuck inthecogsofawheelofsorts

Margaretstoppedtoponderthequestion.Couldsacrificinglivesbeworthitforthelong run,forthesavingofafewmore?Wasitworthit?

Duringthistime,Mariannehadpulleduptoanabandonedhouse,asquealechoing throughtheemptyplainitwassituatedinasthetiresscrapedthroughtheroad Thehouse wasrundown,shabby,andcompletelydemolished Itwasbroken,andevidentlyempty, andhadbeenforsometime.

“He’sgonetotheboy.Ofcourse,hemustbegonebynow.Thegirlwasfoolish,buthe wasnot.Heknowsthey’reafterhim.”

Atthistime,Mariannewasalreadyinthecar,andMargaretentered,asshebegan mutteringunderherbreath.

Mariannesilentlyarrivedatahouse,atoweringtwostorybuildingwithnumerous windows,andnolightswithin.Unliketheotherone,thiswasnotshabby,butitdidseem deserted.Somehow,itdidnotseemasifastrugglehadgoneonwithinitsboundaries. Eithernothinghadensued,ortheboyhadescaped ButMargaretwasdonewithit,done withthemystery “Whoaretheboyandgirl,Marianne?I’mdonewiththemystique.WhatenergydoI emit?Whydidthistownfallintoastupor?Whydid3womengomissing?!?!” MarianneturnedtoMargaret,finallyrealizingthetruelimitationsofwhatsheknew.And soshesatonthehoodofthecar,beckoningMargarettojoinher.Andthenshebeganto talk “Whenthiscityfellintoastuporthoseyearsago,andthethreewomenwentmissing,the citywasinastateofshock.Peopledied.AlexandIwereinthecityatthattime,butwe wereblissfullyunawareofwhatwasoccurringhere.Wethoughtitwasadryspell, nothingtoobad,andthewomenmissingcouldhappenforanyreasoninacitylikethis one.ButAlexhadbeenkeepingsecrets.Hetoldmeeverything,abouttheWomanin Time,thelinchpintotheMastersofTime,stuckinthenever endingclock.Shehad awoken,anditwasAlex’sdutytostophim

TheChildrenStuckintime Alex’smortalmistakes But Mariannewasjustlikeher,thrustintoaworldinwhichshedidn’tbelong.Itwasn’ttheir faulttheyhadbeenstuckinajourneythatfatehadnotputthemin.Butitwasonthemto help.

Whoassignedthatduty,hedidnottellme HetookmetomeettheChildrenStuckinTime,theboyandgirlwhowearetracking rightnow.Theyareimmortal,nevertogrow,butimmortalityhasitsbenefitsaswellasits detriments.TheytoldhimhowtoputtheWomaninTimeasleep,butindoingso,a humansacrificewouldbeneeded.TheChildrenStuckinTimetoldhimwherethe Womanlies,awakeandangry,andhe,withmeandtheChildrentaggingalong,putherto sleep.Awomandiedthatnight,andwereleasedthetwootherstheWomanhadabducted. Butit’sstartedagain.Anditseemshe’sgonetoputastoptothisonceandforall.” Itallmadesense,allatonce

WherehadAlextakenthegirl,ifshehadinthefirstplace?Andwhy?Mariannehad talkedaboutsacrifices,washeplanningonsacrificingthemysteriousgirlandboytothe WomaninTime?Herbrainhadwrappeditselfarounditselfinthinkingaboutthe occurrencesinthepastday.

Timeisaninterestingconcept

Itwrapsaroundtheworld,amysteriousforcethatplays withallofourthoughtsandfeelings.Itdrivesouremotions,itdrivestheworld,butit alsodrivestheevilwithin.

Andsotheyformulatedaplot.Itallrestedonagamble,thatAlexhadindeedabducted theboy,andthattheboyhadn’trun.Butifitworked,itwouldchangeeverything.The citywouldnotbestuckinperil,inaheatspellthatkilledeveryoneagain.Andsothey startedtheirjourneytothebuildinginwhichtheWomaninTimewasheld.

Herewaswherehumanitymadeitsattempttomastertime,whichcouldnotbemastered. Itdefinedall,perceptionandexistence;itpassedinexorably,withoutend.Itwasthe masterofall-thatwaswhatdefinedit.Totrytodefythatwastotestexistenceitself. Humanitycouldhavebeencontenttomerelyknow,tomerelyexperience;butinthat insatiabledesiretocontrol,theyhadturnedmeasurementintothegrotesque.

Hehadnotbotheredtotakeoffhisclothes;theywouldnot bewetbythelake.Hefeltnocold,noresistance.Hefeltnothing;itwasasthoughhe werepressingthroughavoid.

Hehadbeentakenhereallthoseyearsago.Thenhehadbeensomeonedifferent;buthe hadreturnedaswhohewasnow.Everyonehadforgottenwhohehadbeen;everyone knewonlywhohewas,afterit.Buthewasreallythesameperson,beforeandafter,inthe end;hismindhadnotchanged.

“You’redeadtome!”Mariannehadscreamedafterhisreturn.Toher,hehadbecome someonedifferentafter,asthoughsomeonewithinhimhadrisenupandkilledwhohe hadusedtobe.Inhereyes,hewasbornfromthedeathofwhohehadusedtobe.Hehad murdered,sacrificed,tocomeintoexistence.Inreality,hecouldnotevenrememberwhat 64

Itholdstheworldinitsgrasp

Itrunstheworld,eachstep gesturinginanothergeneration.Andwhensomeone,mortalorotherwise,triestostop Time,itoftendoesn’trespondwell.

Thelakewasstill,unmoving,theshoresbarren.Fishfloatedonthesurface;buttheytoo didnotmove.Therewasnorot,nosmell.Above,adarksky,cloudless,starless, moonless.Adark,unendingblackness,thatcouldnotbepenetrated.Bothwaterandair werebitterlycold,freezingcold,andyettherewasnowind

Alexswamthroughthelake

Timeisaninterestingconcept

Hewasaspeckofpassingtimeinthemidstoftimelessness;thetwocouldnotinteract. Whathesaw,whathesensed,hesupposed,wasnotevenperhapswhatwasreallythere; merelyhismindattemptingtointerpretsomethingincomprehensible realitywithout time Theyhadallbeensoyoungthen.Tooyoung,hethought.

hadhappened.

Ithadbeenliving,orpartofsomethingliving;evennow,perhaps,itlived,strugglingon Butitwoulddiesoon;itsbeautifulgreenwouldshrivel,turningtobrown,black,turning eventuallytonothing.

Hehadhadenoughwithitallnow.HermanicobsessionwiththeWomanofTime,with restoringwhathadbeenthroughherscience;hisowninnateobsessionwithtimeitself, withitsfabric,whichseemedalwaystobetearinghimapart

Whatanoddthing,thoughtMargaret,towant,toneed,coffeenow.Evenasallthings racedtotheirend,life,time,marchedonwithtepidnormality.Aging,hunger,thirst;even inthesemostdisturbedoftimes,allwerestillconstants,tobethereuntiltheveryend, whenallbecamedarkness,whenexistenceturnedtonothingness

Shelookedoutthewindowofthecar.Atree,tall,branchesembracingthesky,leaves,a darkgreen,everywhere.Thewindblew;thetreeswayedgently.

Hewanted,now,justtodie,tofallintodarknesspeacefully

Itwastoomuch,toomuch

Allhumanityfeareddeath;thepassageoftimecausedit To enddeath,oratleasttomakeitmorepredictable,itwastimethatonehadtocontrol,to understand.Whenhumanitymasteredtime,itwouldmasteritsfinalenemy,inevitable death-andthat,forit,wouldbeitsgreatesttriumph.

Thecarhadstopped,parkedbeforeacafe.Mariannewastired;sheneeded,shesaid,to getacoffee.

Sheopenedthecardoor,bringingherselftostand.Thewind,thefreshairembracedher. Theleavesofthetreeswirleddownaroundher;shestretchedoutherhand,claspingone.

Everythinglivingwilldie,shethought;itisaninevitability.Timemoveson,andallfades away,decaying.Whensomethingdies,itnolongerexists;ifitdid,thenitwouldhaveto existonanormalplane.Evennow,shethought,theleafsheheldinherhandwasnotthe leafithadbeenbutafewsecondsago;itwasdying,andwhatlifeithadlostcouldno longerberegained Shethoughtagaintoclocks.Anexpressionofhumanity’sobsessionwithtime,with measuringit,withcontrollingit,shehadthought.Buteverytickofaclockwasatick closertodeath,towardsthemosttotalofends.Everyclockwasreallyatimer,she thought,atimercountingthestepstodeath.

That,sherealized,wastherootofthedesiretoknow,tocontrol,thedesirefromwhich theclockhadbeenbirthed

Everythinghadshattered,thoughtMarianne.Herworkwastopicktheshardsallupand putthemallbacktogether,torestorewhathadbeenshattered,throughwhatevermeans werenecessary.Tolie,tokill;theseweredetestabletoher,butindisturbedtimes,what couldmoralitybe,really?

Margaretturnedaround.“Yes?”sheasked.Shedidnotquitewanttospeak,butshefelt herselfalmostcompelled.

Thedoorofhercarwasopen.Margaretwasgone.

Sheknewenoughtodowhatwasnecessary.Shehadmemorizedallthatshecould;she knewthatshecoulddoit.Shewouldprevail,shewouldwin.

TheChildren,theWoman,thegreatclockinwhichshewastrapped;thedestructionofall thesewaswhatneededtobeaccomplished.Onehadtodestroythewholeclock,thatwas whatAlexsaid.Andwhilehewasbothcowardandmurderer,heknewitallbetterthan her. Greatsacrificewasnecessary.Alexcouldnotbringhimselftosacrificehimself;butshe? Shehadlittletolose;ifshewereabletoovercometheWomannotwithmagicbutwith science,truth,reason,shewouldbeunaffectedevenbyeternaltorture,forshewould havebeenthevictorofmodernityagainstthedecayingpast,ofliesandsuperstition Shetookthecoffeeshehadorderedandwalkedoutside.Theweatherwasbreezy,cool; perfect,buteverythingwasindisorder.

Margarethadpowerthatshedidnot;intuitionthatshedidnot AlexhadsaidthatMargarethadaprimal,anatural,knowledgeofitallbecauseofthese things,justlikehim.Withoutthatknowledge,shewaslost.

Itwasstupidofher,though,tothinkthatitwouldn’thavehappened.Margaret’s disappearancewasinevitable.TheWomanofTime,awakened,intorment,hadprobably ordainedit;itwasnotsomethingpurposeful,onherpart,butallthesameithadrhyme andreason.Margaret,liketheoldAlex,theoneshehadknown,theonewhothenew Alexhadmurdered,hadbeentakenbecauseofwhatshepossessed,heraffinitywithtime anditstanglinginthiscity

“Madam?”araspyvoice,thevoiceofanoldwoman,saidfrombehindher.

--------------------------------------66

Shedidnothavetimetoscream,torun;shedidnotevenhavetimeenoughtoseethe womanwhowouldtakeher.

ButsheneededMargaret

“We’vestillafewmonths,”saidthemannexttohim.Peter;thetwohadmetallthose yearsago,whenAlexhadfirstbeentaken.HewasanagentoftheWomanofTime,but notwilling.TheWomanofTimehadlittlecontroloverwhatshedid;shecouldordainall mannerofthings,commandthatsomethingbeso;shehadthusaccidentallymadehim oneofherpawns,whowouldacttobringwhatshedemanded,inherconstantdelirium, tofruition Hehadnochoiceinthematter;whatsheordainedwouldcometopass Hisactionswere notentirelyhisown,becauseofhertheyinevitablyledtowhatshehadordained.Hehad onlytheillusionofchoicewhereshewasconcerned.

“Let’sdietogether,”Alexsaid,alittleruefully,leaningagainstabarewall.Deathwasthe end,wheretheywouldparteternally;andyetnowitwasanoddunity.Tostandtogether untiltheveryend,aninevitableend;wasthatnotbeautiful?Toresistdeath,toresistthe end,theywereimpossibleforhim

fitting,howfitting

“God,we’llfinallybefree,”mutteredPeter.“Freeofthisall…” Alexclaspedhishand.“Howclose,howcloseitis.” Margaretwaselsewhere,now.Theroominwhichshestoodwasbright;butshefeltthat thelightwastepid,unnaturallyconstant,unnaturallystill.Theair,too,seemeddead,not cold,nothot,butsomewhereuncomfortablebetweenthosetwoextremes.Shecouldnot quiteputitallintowordsclearly,itwasindescribable. “I’msorry,”saidanelderlyladybeforeher “I’msorry Sheordainedit,andthusImust,I amcompelledto whateverIdocannotchangeit,allofmyactionsaretwistedtoleadup toit…I’msorry!”

Herewaswheretimewouldcometoanend;how

Peterwasboundtotheonewhowouldundotime;Alextotimeitself.Bothslavesto somethingfarabovethem;bothwithoutthewillthattheysodesperatelywanted.They hadfoundthattheirstruggleswerethesame;inthattheyhadfoundastrangeunity,a strangesolidarity Alexshookhishead.“Months,months,butmonthsofsuffering.I’dprefertodiehere whenitallcomestoanendratherthansufferthere.”

“TheWomanofTime?”askedMargaretuncertainly.“Shehastakenme,shehasordered youtotakeme?”

“Cananyonefreeher,then?”sheasked,afteramoment “No,noonebutherself.Butherdeliriumistoodeepforthat,forhertoordainthatshebe freed.That’stheonlyway,yousee,now.Once,someonemanagedtoawakenher,andshe managedenoughtodelayit,butitwillnothappenagain.”

ShehasthepowersofGod,butshecannotusethem,at least,notproperly Shehasnocontroloverherself,now”

Adesperateperson,astruggling person,withatribulationgreatenough,orperhapsshemerelysympathizedwithit,that shethroughherownwillstruggledthroughthepain,throughthedelirium,toact.By acting,shepreventedtheend.”

Margaretcouldsurmisewhathadhappenedbyherself,butshepushedaheadwithasking regardless.“Whowasit,then?Andwhynotagain?” “Youknowalready,”saidtheoldwoman,chucklingslightly

“Idon’twanttoseeher,”saidMargaret.“Whatpointistheretoit?”Whatpointindeed. Whatwouldshelearnfromit?TheWomanofTimewasmysterious,‘hiddenbehinda veil;’shewouldsee,shewouldknow,nothing.Fromwhatsheknewshewouldbein considerablymoredangeraswell.Whatshecouldlearnshecouldlearnhere,atleasta littlefurtherawayfromthatnexusofevil

“Notordered,”saidthewoman,shakingherheadviolently.“Shehasordainedit.It happens,nomatterwhatanyonedoes.Iamboundtoher;whateverIdowillleadtowhat shehasordained,nomatterwhatitis.Ihavenocontroloverit,yousee.”

Margaretwasbothsurprisedandunsurprisedatthesametime.Evilforthesakeofevil, sheknew,wasrareinthisworld;evilwasdonesoofteninthenameofhumangood,orto overcomemortality.Shehadsoughttoovercometime,tocontrolit,andthusperhapsher ownmortality;andshehadendedupcommittinganactofgreatevil.

“True,”saidthewoman.“Itisbetterthisway,andshehasnotordainedthatyouseeher.”

“Sothenwhydidshetakeme?”askedMargaret.

“Shehasnocontroloverit.Sheisinendlesspain,adelirium.Shetriedtoovercometime, andthatwasherpunishment.Nomancandoso,atleastthatiswhyIthinkithappened, andnowsheistrappedlikethat

“ButIwillsayittosatisfy you Sheordainedthetakingofsomeone,inafit

Shepaused “Sheisbeyondthedoor There!”Thewomanpointeddownahallwaytoa pairofdoorsatitsveryend.

“SomeoneIknowspoketomeoftheChildrenofTime,”saidMargaret “Thatmystified me.” “Herchildren,”saidthewoman,bluntly.“Forthemshedidit;theyholdherhere.Butif theyweretodieitwouldnotchangeanything,Iimagine.”

“Thatisthem,”saidthewoman

Therewasaslightsoundoflaughterfromdownthehallway,ascream.

“Thechildrensheprotected,butsheherselfislocked awayfromthem.Itwilldiedownsoon.”

Butthescreamingonlybecamelouder,thelaughterdyingaway.Louder,andlouder,and louder,echoingthroughoutthecavernoushallway,animalistic,terrifying. Margaretrealizedthatsomethinghadgoneterriblywrong.DownthehallwaywereAlex andanothermanshedidnotrecognize,disheveled,sweating,pressedagainstthedoor Shewasunfazed.Forthemtobeherewaslogical,shefelt.Alexwastiedtoitall,the thirdwhohaddiedandwas,inaway,reborn,shehadsurmisedthat.Theotherman here allalong,sheguessed. Shetouchedthedoors;theywereburninghot.

“Moveaway,”shesaidtoAlex,coolly Shefeltasthoughshe,allofasudden,knewall; nowshewastheonebehindthewall,whomtheothersnoweavesdroppedon Hestaredather,dropsofsweatrunningdownhisface.Hewhisperedintheearofthe otherman,andtheysteppedaside,walkinggingerlytotheside,leaningagainstthewall, whisperingagain. Sheturnedtotheside,watchingthemholdeachotherclosely.Theyweresmiling. Perhaps,forthemitwasliberating,orperhapstheysimplywantedtodie Theirhappiness wastheirown,though;whatusewasittryingtodeterminewhatitwas,ormoralizeonit? Theoldwomanwasbehindher.Sheturnedbacktolookatthisall-“onelasttime,”she thought-theoldwomanstandingthere,lookingrelieved,sighing,sittingdown,Alexand theothermanstillholdingeachotherclosely,inrelief,notfear;andthensheturnedback 69

“Andshecannotdosoagain?”askedMargaret.Butshealreadyknewwhatwouldbe said. “Idon’tknow,”saidthewoman.“Nooneknowsbuther.”

again. Shepushedthedoorsopen.Shesawbare,crumblingconcretewalls,darkburnsscratched acrossthem,shatteredwindows. Noveil

Becausesomethingwasmissing.Wherenormally,jubilantlaughterandlightswould illuminatethedarkcity,allwasquiet.Thepubswereclosed,theirownerscoweringin theirbeds.Becauseamonsterintheformofamanprowledthesestreets.Someonewho sparednoone,withnoremorseatall.Thenewspapershadrecentlycoinedhim,andif youweretobenddownandreadthefrontpageofoneofthepapersflyingacrossthe stone,youwouldseetheirnameforhim:

TheLeatherApron,or,asthepresshadjuststartedcallinghim JacktheRipper ThroughoutLondon,therewasnoonesleeping.Thelightsinallthehouseswereon,with theresidentssitting,tremblingintheirbeds,pretendingnothingwaswrong.Buttheyall knewthetruth.Thiswouldnotend.Fearsweptthroughthemlikeawaveinhightide, andtheygotbackundertheircovers,notevenpeekingout,forfearofaglimpseofJack. All...exceptone. 70

Theonlysoundthatechoedformilesinthedistancewasthe rustleofthenewspapersflyingacrosstheground

London,in1888,wasasighttosee

Awhitefogrolledoverthedarkened,wetcobblestone.Aneeriesilenceofdeath suffocatedtheresidentsofthecity..Inthedistance,aclockchimedthrice,itwas3inthe morning,anddeathlyquiet

TheLastEssence:Betrayal ByOjasVatsyayan

Threeskeletons,intact,atthecenteroftheroom,laidneatlynexttoeachother Mariannewasbeforethem,aglisteningknifeinherhands,acleanknife,anunusedknife. Shedroppedit,andbegantolaugh,begantocry,allatonce.

“I’vewon,”shesaid.“I’vewon!”

hehaddreadedhearing Wheninthemorgue,hewas ledtohisbetrothed’sbody,toogrislytoevenbeshownandidentified,andhecouldn’t stomachthethought.Oliverdidn’trememberthenextweek,buthehadbeentoldhe couldn’tbeleftunsupervised.Hewouldwakeupscreaming,hisvoiceechoing throughoutthegraystreetsofLondon,throughhissleep.Hewouldn’teat,wouldn’t drink,wouldn’tdoanythingatall.Theonlyconstantthroughhispainhadbeenhisbest friend,RosemaryJenkins,whowouldwatchoverhimsilently,makingsurehewouldbe alright.

Butaftertheworstseekofhislifehadpassed,Oliverhadbeguntomakeaplan With Rosemarybyhisside,hehadhatchedwhatwouldhappen.HeknewtheRippertargeted onlywomen,sohehadarrangedforRosemarytobestrollingthedarkenedstreets,in hopetheRipperwouldabducther,andhewouldfollow.HewouldendtheRipper,end himlikehehadendedJenna.

Oliverranthroughthealley,anddownthestairsattheend,tocomeintoacold,gray room.Therewasnothingbutachairthere,andalightbulbatthetop.Oliverpulledthe 71

OliverJamesdidn’thavefearinhisheart.Hehadadifferentemotion...pain.Hisheart wastornthroughhischest,oritfeltlikeit,allthetime.Forhisbetrothed,JennaMary Smith,hadbeenkilledbytheRipper.AndOliverremembereditlikeitwasyesterday, thoughithadalreadybeenaquarterofayearsinceithappened Oliverhadbeenoutin thecountry,checkingononeofhisfather’sfarms,whenamanonahorsespedupto meethim.Hehadrecognizedthemanimmediately,thiswasthedeputychiefinLondon, andOliverhadknownfromtheonsetthatsomethingwaswrongwhenhelookedintothe deputy’seyes.Thedeputyhadn’tsaidanything,justmotionedforOlivertogetonhis horse.WhentheyhadreachedLondon,hewasinstructedtogostraighttothemorgue. Andthere… There,hewasmetwiththenews

OliverrealizedthedangerRosemarywasin,andheknewhowhighthechancewasof herdeath Butpeopledostrangethingsforlove,andevenmoredangerousthingsfor rage Andsothatnight,OliverandRosemaryleftthehouse.Thestreetlampsilluminatedthe cobblestone,illuminatedtheirtruefears.Buttheduopushedon.Itwastoolatetorun back,andOliver’srageconsumedhim.HewouldENDtheRipper. Rosemarywalkedthroughthestreets,Oliverfollowingintheshadowsofthelamps.And suddenly,Rosehaddisappeared Analleysnakedoutfromnexttowhereshehadbeen abducted,andOliver’sragegrewtenfold TheRipperdaredtokillRosemarytoo?No It wouldn’thappen.

AndOliverrealizedthebodyhadbeentoogrislytoevenbeidentified Ithadn’tbeen Jennaallalong JennaraisedarevolvernexttoherchairintoOliver,andwithouthesitation,pulledthe trigger.Oliverfelltotheground,breathinghislastbreath,realizingwhathadhappened. Rosemaryarosefromthecorneroftheroom,thesameflameinJenna’seyesinhers. Together,theRipperswalkedupthestairs,Oliver’scoldbodytoremainintheroom wherehislifebrokeapart

Buttherewerenoropes.OliverlookedupatJenna’sface.Shewassmiling,smilinga smileofaninsanewoman.Hereyeswerelitupwithaflamethatcouldonlybesatisfied byonething.Death.

AndsohewenttocuttheropesbindingJenna

“It’llbeOK,”hesaidinaraspyvoice.

cord,andtheroomwasilluminated.Andinthechair,thewomanfromhisdreams appeared. Jennawassittinginthechair,andOliver’slegsturnedtobutter.Buthehadtostaystrong. StaystrongforhimandJenna