Always and forever me

Always and forever me: the past, the present and the future

Always and Forever are words I use excessively in my everyday vocabularly. ‘I want this to last forever’, ‘I’ll always be this way’. I have a hard time seeing things change.

I decided to dedicate this zine to my younger self.

Who I was yesterday but also who I will be tomorrow.

Lisa if I could tell you anything it would be that you are beautiful, worthy of the moon and to dream big.

Sending you strengh from the future.

My name is Lisa Colombo. I am what you would call an expatriate - always confused by my identity and where I come from. (^ᴥ^) At age 13, I started going to an all-girls boarding school in the UK. Despite wearing the same uniform as everyone else around me for five years, I managed to differentiate myself from others as much as possible through my way of thinking, high sense of aesthetics and a strinkingly positive mindset. (●*∩_∩*●) At the age of 15, I failed my art final exam. This made me want to prove a point to my art teacher. I started drawing, painting, scrapbooking, writing, collaging and blogging. I wanted to discover this deep creativity buried in me. (*~_~) Nowadays, I proudly consider myself a multi-faceted artist, eager to learn and try new things through mediums such as drawing, painting and ceramics. (^L^) Themes such as nostalgia play a significant part in my work. I aim to create artworks that encompass my childhood with a humorous twist.

Inspired by ‘So sad today’ by Melissa Broder

Does anybody know why we cling to people so hard they run away? Humans are self-destructive creatures who will ruin anything good for them. Rethinking scenarios in my head to achieve the best possible outcome but still saying the opposite of what I intended to just to fuck myself over. Chasing attention, constantly being greedy for a look, is that really how pathetic I am and wasting my life on.

I am terrified to have children. I will project my ugly insecurities and traits on them and make them walking monsters who will undoubtedly pollute others lives.

That’s so fucking selfish of me? Others want kids to dress them up like little dolls and control them and post them on social media with the caption ‘OMG me and my baby twinning today’. That makes me sick. But then again who am I to judge. I’ve done worst than that.

I think we judge people as a defence mechanism, to prove to ourselves we are better than them when secretly we want everything they’re ever had. That’s embarrassing.

Sometimes I think about how I consider myself a shitty feminist. I feel bad that I care what men think of me. I feel bad that I want to make everyone want me. I feel bad about having weird unrealistic expectations of myself.

It makes my stomach flip when I think back to 15 year old me, going to parties and looking around at how others acted so I could use those mannerisms in my own life. I used to imitate the weirdest things to fit in.

I changed my laugh for like 4 fucking years. I am now 22, who knows what parts of me are original and which ones I’ve stolen from others throughout the years. Being ‘authentic’ is the biggest load of bullshit I’ve ever heard. Well in my case anyway.

When I was young, I used to tell people I remembered the day I was born. How bright the lights were, the nurses running around and my parents crying. It was not till I was a little older that I realized this was truly impossible and that I had a lying problem.

Undoubtedly, every child lies, somehow, this was different.

“A study out of the University of Waterloo observing children in their own homes found that 96% of young children lie at some point. Four-year-olds lie, on average, every two hours, and six-year-olds lie, on average, every hour. “Unfortunately, this study did not make me feel any better.

I suppose lying was a way for me to avoid disappointing my surrounding, but more importantly, I used lying to make myself interesting. When I turned 11, I became more and more insecure therefore I appointed myself the role of class clown and the mission to live the most outrageous life through the art of play-pretend. In my head, if I was interesting enough, then people were bound to like me and forget they did not like the way I looked. I had an unhealthy habit of taking on people’s real-life problems and making them mine. For example, my friend Emma was allergic to tomatoes? Well so was I, and one time I wound up in the hospital because of a severe allergic reaction! People believed me and felt sorry for me. The worst part is that lying did not make me feel good or happy, most of the time it made me feel numb and that is why I continued. Everything escalated very quickly, I soon lost count of what I had said to who…It was a dangerous game, and we all know that nobody likes a liar.

It wasn’t till I turned 15 I knew something needed to change, I could not form healthy relationships with friends or more if I was a huge sack of lies. Unlearning how to lie was challenging as it had become automatic and part of my daily routine. I was living under the spell of a toxic monster that hindered me from growing up.

In my later teenage years, the insecurities I masked through lying were untamed and left untreated. How was I going to deal with the fact I hated myself if not lying about the real me? I became aggressive and overemotional. I do not remember a day I did not cry from the age of 15 through to the age of 17.

I clearly recall being extremely confused about romantic relationships. I could not grasp how somebody was going to love me if I had imperfections. I remember feeling strange the first time I was completely honest about myself in a relationship. To my surprise, this made him like me more. I had lived my whole life thinking that if I pretended to be somebody as far from Lisa, I would be more likeable. Who knew a 16-year-old boy had the ability to show me that.

The more I worked on my honesty, the more I realised it wasn’t just children who ‘played pretend’. Our society is not comfortable being itself and we constantly seek approval from others. We need the reassurance that who we are is OK and if it isn’t, we alter ourselves with a simple personality fix. If a job requires you to speak intermediate German, lie about it. If your friends are having a party and did not invite you, pretend to have your own on social media.

I think we’re scared that if we are 100% honest and give our all to somebody, then we grant them the power to break us.

Lying is painful, lies always come out. I think I have lied so much in my two decades of living that I have become a professional lie detector. I’m such a hypocrite. I hate liars more than anything. Lies make my soul hurt, they give me a lump in my throat. I feel dirty thinking of the old me and how much bullshit came out of my mouth.

Many people will disagree but I feel as though it’s easier to be honest online than it is in real life. I think that is because online, I don’t see judgment. I read into people’s body language too much and subconsciously let it get it to me. A lie I tell myself a lot still is that I do not care about what people think of me.

I am now 22 years old and lost. Disoriented as to whether I should be too honest with people and they’ll appreciate my integrity or if I should “fake it till I make it” type of thing.

If I’ve learnt anything from being a liar, it’s that honesty is the most genuine sign of love. Go ahead and lie about your career, how many friends surround you, how much money you have, I don’t care. Just promise me you won’t look your partner in the face and tell them you love them when deep down you’re thinking about another and don’t lie to your friends about the smile you paint on your face. The hurt a lie cause is much more powerful than the truth.

To my younger self, you are a superhero