Attachment Styles and Dating: The Psychology of Attachment Styles

The relationship between a parent and child determines how they behave as adults in long-term relationships.

This is called the Attachment Theory, theorised by John Bowlby. There are four attachment styles; secure, avoidant, anxious, and fearful-avoidant/disorganized.

According to Kendra Cherry in her research article: What is Attachment Theory? The Importance of Early Emotional Bonds, the Attachment theory is the psychological explanation for the emotional bonds and relationships between people, focusing on relationships between parents and children and romantic partners from adolescence to adulthood. Bowlby suggests that these bonds affect how we interact in our adult lives. For example, maternal deprivation suggests that, “Continual attachment disruption between the infant and primary caregiver could result in long-term cognitive, social, and emotional difficulties for that infant.” An attachment theory can therefore be used as a tool for individuals to manipulate and control their relationships

Different attachment styles:

Secure Attachment Style: This refers to a person’s ability to form healthy, loving, and secure relationships in their adult lives. They can trust others, are vulnerable and intimate without fear, and they can depend on other people without becoming completely dependent. Only 56% of adults have this attachment style. This stems from caregivers being responsive to their child and their needs, resulting in this secure attachment.

Anxious Attachment Styles: This is an insecure attachment style ruled by the fear of abandonment. People with this attachment style are usually perceived as “clingy” and “needy” and they need constant validation. Around 19% of adults have this attachment style. This is a result of caregivers being inconsistent and unpredictable. Either being overly involved, or completely withdrawn.

Avoidant Attachment Style: This is another insecure attachment style where people fear intimacy. They have trouble trusting or getting close to people because they fear their needs will not be met. They are often emotionally unavailable and may even prefer to avoid relationships. Hyper Independence is often seen in those with this attachment style. 25% of adults have an avoidant attachment style.Caregivers are described as disconnected from their children and are unresponsive, dismissive, and distant. This results in children feeling as though their needs will not be met.

Fearful-Avoidant/Disorganized Attachment Style: This is a mixture of anxious and avoidant attachment styles. People both avoid and crave affection. It is also labeled as a disorganized attachment because of how inconsistent the two spheres of this attachment style appear in relationships. People may also experience hypersexuality, difficulty regulating emotions, and an increased risk of violent relationships. Caregivers are traumatizing and frightening and may be neglectful and abusive. The child may have an obscure vision of what a healthy relationship looks like and little sense of boundaries.

How to manage your attachment style: There are many articles on how to fix or alter your attachment style if it is an insecure one. However, the best solution is to see a therapist to give you the correct tools to manage and find the underlying causes of your attachment style.