In The Club 026

Issue 026 NOVEMBER 2015

Welcome

t o ‘ I N T H E C L U b ’ , t he O F F I C I A L T U E S D A Y C L U B I N T E R A C T I V E M A G a z ine - B R O U G H T TO Y O U I N C O N J U N C T I O N w i t h T H E P E R F E C T P O P C O - O P and o ur friends

Wowza, it’s November AGAIN! It’s been a manic October but a great (infact the best)time in a very up and down year for The TC’s. J-Rod is still glowing in his post marital bliss, so I’m going to keep the intro short and sweet as I think the pics and writings of the many of you who have been so hugely supportive and that feature in this edition do all the talking for us!

I must just say a huge thanks to Blair, so new is he, we haven’t even got a daft name for him yet! If you haven’t seen him during the tour (which has been imense btw), look below the tunes of the month at the bottom of the page and you’ll see a little intro from the man himself.

So with one last tour date to go (Toyah!), it would be amazing to bring down the Gargar tour with a full house, we hope to see you all there. Thanks again, we are nothing without you.

AVBD .... (ad)Minister(erer) or Crisps and Biscuits

M A G (NIFICENT)

. . . Wha t

7 - N o v embe r E D I T I O N )

The Tuesday C lu b are s t ic k ing in t heireardrums !

Andreas Vanderbraindrain: Laurie Anderson - O Superman https://youtu.be/0hhm0NHhCBg The Minx: Nazareth - Hair of the Dog #morecowbell youtube.com/watch?v=kyXz6eMCj2k Wasabi Penis: Dead Weather - I feel love ( every millions miles ) youtu.be/98oMvKF-78Y J-Rod: The Men Who Will Not Be Blamed for Nothing - Victorian Men’s Boasting Song youtu.be/uDSnkUW9oeQ?list=PL8ynVr9b9VXznJ7kt9mjs-ZGNo_d9mZ2r The Beautiful Wolf: The Julie Ruin - Haha https://youtu.be/S8D_nAuDbTA

Welcome to Blair, air air air is Love! ... a little intro to the ‘numan’ behind the kit!

This could well be the day that changed my life I guess….(part 1 of 700) Top Of The Pops was actually a family affai r back in the day with most or all the famil y watching that weeks episode,on this occasion I remember it so well for so long ago,as it goes it invloves all 4 of my musical heroes...

We sat down that night,well,I was laying on my front on the carpet,Dad and my big bro Lee on the sofa, when this happened,I can remember thinking WOW!!! (I was a bit too young for “HOLEYFREAKING SHEEYAT” at age 10 and a bit)….

It was the music,it was the image,even the band made the whole thing complete,Numan at his best,fresh,raw panstick No9,Falcon Hairspray,`Numan Boots` and that shirt,hard ly moving and staring out those pesky `Humans` from his android (Machman) look…

At over 6 minutes long and with seemingly no chorus this was,apart from its sound,an odd song,but so very powerful and quite literally changed me for good,Tubeway Army quickly became just Gary Numan and subsequant songs like Cars,I die;You Die,We Are Glass came out over next few years-Anth ems to a young lad and he`s still at it,Latest album Splinter still delivering fresh sounds from an Electronic Giant..

One other thing sprung out at me on that fatef ul night,the drummer,Cedric Sharpley….On this particular recording he was

Rogerio Marauder: Cameo - Word Up youtu.be/MZjAantupsA actually miming to another drummers track,but all recordings after that for many years had `Ced` on it,th e way he played,the `licks` around the kit had a massive influ ence on how I played,as did Jazz drummer Graham Scriven,my father,and elder Bro Lee Scriven.those 3 along with Numan are STILL my main musical influences,Lee was a hard drumming rock/Punk drummer brought up on The Who and many others,Dad was a Jazz Drummer, and what aplayer,these two legends for me along with Gary and Ced had such an impact,and sill do to this day.

So this for me is my Youtube pick,and how great is it that you can go back to that day,That moment,THAT minut e it happened for me….fabulous….Thankyou Dad,Thankyou Lee,Thanky ou Cedric and a massive thankyou Gary Numan…music,image influ ence for the last 36 years or so….at least Mum found it easy shopping for me….

Black or Black….simples!

AND just to show you what the music scene was like the other artistes on that show were The Skids-Roxy Music-Tubeway

Army-Legs and Co-Liner-The Damned-ELO-Dolla r-David Bowie (archive footage)-The Shadows-Elvis Costello and the Attractions and Blondie….what a mixed bunc h…

And oh how things could have been differen t,Are `Friends` Electric was the 1st 7” single I brought on my own from John Menzies in Bletchley…the 2nd one?

Dance,Boogie Wonderland by Earth Wind and Fire…Hmmm…I always wondered what i`d have turned out like if that was me 1st single?....

https://youtu.be/5taMgF7v2F0

EN D OF TO UR IN IS LIN GT ON LAST CALL FOR TOYAH GET IN

Contents

SUNDAY 8TH NOV

Cover star:

TOUCH ASAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Tuesday Club

Magnificent 7 (the return of)

2-3

What’s going on in our musical world

Lady Gargar - The Tour Special!

4 -11

(Club) Foot tappers

13

It’s all about Crisps and Biscuits!

AVBD, The Gargar Remix Special

Da Minx 15 Now an official TC drummer too!

Who’s In the Club

16-17

Marc Olivier - Prude

50 Shades of Grae

18-19

Paul Eccentric

20-21

Chapter and verse from St.Albans’ cunningest linguists and friends Adult Bedtime Story

The Parson’s Knows

Denise, gives us all the news from Trestle Arts base, St.Albans and it’s environs.

The Tuesday Club Pop up shop!

Stuff to spend your filthy lucre on!

Lady Gargar - EP 3 OUT ON 19 OCT!

22-25

26 Our new EP ‘Lady Gargar’ which you can now pre-order right here:

thetcshop.com

facebook.com/thisisthetuesdayclub @thetuesdayclub1 AVBD - @Vnderbraindrain The Minx - @TCTheMinx R. Marauder - @YTDS Dave Worm - @Roddamiser J-Rod - @JRod_TC www.youtube.com/thisisthetuesdayclub thisisthetuesdayclub.co.uk info@thisisthetuesdayclub.co.uk pinterest.com/thetuesdayclub thetuesdayclub.tmstor.es

Available on Silver CD & Download. It comes with 2 other previously unreleased tracks. This is EP 3 in the set of 4. It will also be available in Ltd edition from Empire Records too! See Page 5 for more details.

Lady Gargar Scars are Superstars Resistance (Makes theheart

grown fonder)

Thanks to: Design @8ecreative, Tiggy Pop. Editor: Reggie Mental. Photography: Neil Stephenson, Jord, AVBD, The Eye, Sarah Martin, Dylan Schwarz, Peter Males, Jonas De Keukelaere, Anna Wakeling, Kun Dori Words: Denise Parsons, The Minx, Faye Don’tlikeitupum, Stuart Pidboy, Don Tellumpike, Don T. Panic, Sister Dolly, AVBD, Beautiful Wolf, J-Rodz, Grae J Wall, Roger The Ranter Brad Wiggs.

THE LADY GARGAR TOUR 2015 A tale of Crisps and Biscuits It’s been a fab (if messy) tour so far, with the finale to come in Islington. Here are some of the highlights including some great reviews. Big thanks to Pete Ringmaster, Brad Wigglesworth and the legendary Impaler for their prose, and among others Brad, Peter Males and Kun Dori for some excellent documentations of the mayhem! Thanks to Doug and Ros at the Farmers, Pete at The Horns, Paul at PDM, Sue, Whatever’s Red, Automat, Gary Hawkins and Martin Wakeling for Cockfest!, Dave at the Lower Red, Denise at Trestle and all the guys at Empire Records, sorry for the chaos, thanks for the love!

THE VIDEO

By Da Minx

THE broken bits of...

Here’s a fabulous review from the crowd at the ‘Gargar Launch’ at The Horns on Monday. Giant thanks to Mr.Brad Wigglesworth for his recollections...

Lady Gargar EP release, The Horns, Watford, 19th Oct 2015 In typically eccentric style, The Tuesday Club decided to officially release their latest EP on a Monday!

However, this gig was far from a tired start of week affair, it was a full on Saturday night blast of energy and top tunes teleported into a Monday evening.

For the uninitiated, the bands military styling may have suggested they’d be full of tradition, rigidity and a strict adherence to rules, but those same people would have soon realised that this band don’t play to the rules.

Gargar, with AVBD synchronising the lyrics “I’m the broken bits of crisps and biscuits” to the beating of his head with said foodstuffs, leading to a shower of crisps and biscuits over himself, the stage and much of the venue.

The Periscope broadcast ended with a slightly bewildered looking AVBD sat on stage in a cloud of crumbs as the Minx looked on disapprovingly... all part of the act and the dynamic of these attention-grabbing characters.

For those of us lucky enough to be in attendance at the Horns, the party went on with renditions of many of the bands tunes; Forbidden Kiss, My Consciousness, New Glamour and Dolly Dynamite. Each track accompanied by the wild and frenzied animation of AVBD and the Minx’s best efforts to keep him in control using whatever implements were to hand...or that stern gaze!

The joyous chaos began to reign right from the opening number; a preview of Lady Gargar. You have to feel a little for the remainder By the second track, lead singer of the band, who are well deserving Andreas Vanderbraindrains (AVBD) of praise as they professionally and uncontrollably energetic and unfalteringly knocked out the tunes exuberant style had led to a beer but, whilst you appreciate their work spillage in front of the stage. No further aurally you’re just too distracted to encouragement was needed for this see much of them visually...except eccentric performer to treat us to an when AVBD dashes out of the venue, artistic vocal performance from the only to return via some obscure route floor of the venue with a roll of kitchen just in time to pick the song back up! paper in hand. Initially the paper was The only thing missing from this used for cleaning the floor, but later gig for a lyrically challenged fan like it morphed into mummification via myself, was an encore of Nanananana! something like a rhythmic gymnastic Being a vocally challenged fan too, this ribbon dance! may have been a blessing in hindsight.

BIG THANKS to: Kun Dori https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?

Meanwhile the rest of the band played on under the steely gaze of vocalist and percussionist The Minx, creating the wonderful energetic sounds that this band are known for.

By mid-set the band were ready to release the Lady Gargar EP to the world live via Periscope. A brief introduction was followed by another high energy performance of Lady

This band really have to be seen to be believed. Not only do you get a full compliment of rocking songs, but you get grade A eccentric entertainment and energy.

The only thing is, don’t be the last one out else you’ll be the one left with the dustpan and brush and a job on your hands! Brad Wigg

...crisps and biscuits

BIG THANKS to: Peter Males

http://www.facebook.com/peter.males/media_set?

THE EP REVIEWS The Tuesday Club – Lady Gargar EP 

Oct 14 by RingMaster

After a summer taking their notorious concert party around the UK to the usual heavy dosage of acclaim and noise complaints by the neighbours, The Tuesday Club are breaking out the tea and tunes with the release of new EP Lady Gargar. The third in of a set of 4 EPs eventually uniting for the band’s next 4 x EP Box Set album, the ‘Body’ section of the eventual full-length brings three songs drenched in the recognisable Tuesday Club sound and devilry but as is always the way finding just that little more mischievous invention to refresh and excite.

Still looking and endearing like rejects from the Home Guard, men and woman who most likely would have been thrown out for goosing the vicar and flattening haystacks in the arms of land girls, The Tuesday Club just get more essential and addictive with every release, Lady Gargar as an EP and new single no exception. The successor to the My Consciousness EP out last October and the Forbidden Kiss EP of June this year, Lady Gargar romps and stomps like a Canadian/US soldier providing illicit booty in the Blitz, seducing and swaying with virulent punk ‘n’ roll pop temptation.

The EP opens with its title track, the Walmington-on-Sea septet bringing Lady Gargar into view on a lone scrub of guitar and soon after, the distinctive vocal devilment of Andreas Vanderbraindrain and The Minx. Like Dirk Wears White Sox Adam and The Ants colluding with Oingo Boingo era Danny Elfman, the track slips through ears with thick flirtatious hooks and a broadly smiling swagger. Within this festivity, the keys of Rogerio Marauder bloom with melodic warmth as the beats of Titti Bartelski jab and lead an inescapable incitement on feet and hips. Everything about the song is magnetic, the guitars of Dave Worm and J Rod spewing catchy riffs and grooves as freely as the bass of The Beautiful Wolf wanders through it all in its own individual way.

Scars are Superstars steps up next, straight away laying down bait of jagged riffs and punchy beats as the rest of the band add their infectious spices with increasingly riveting success. Weaving in new wave and power pop enterprise into its relentlessly keen energy and gait, the song bounds along like a teenager in the heat of summer and puberty; grinning with sparkling hooks and the ever becoming vocal union of Vanderbraindrain’s spiv like devilment and The Minx’s Amazonian lure.

Resistance (Makes the Heart Grown Fonder) completes the line-up upon the EP, its personal instant magnetism the perfect coaxing into an even stronger contagion of inimitable temptation. More a canter than its predecessors, the song ambles along with a Radio Stars meets Wreckless Eric enticing, at times a whiff of Ten Pole Tudor also showing its scent, simply bewitching at all times as it incites the body to use every angle at the hips disposal for a gentle but determined swing.

Recent releases have shown The Tuesday Club on a trend of being more and more creatively captivating with the Lady Gargar EP their new pinnacle in the defence of our pleasures and souls. Roll on EP 4 is all that is left to say. ringmasterreviewintroduces.wordpress.com/2015/10/14/the-tuesday-club-lady-gargar-ep/

The Tuesday Club – Lady Gargar by The Impaler 

Lady Gargar I’m only here ‘cos of you I just gotta come clean I’m choc full of the sadness of the silver screen My BIG cow eyes just can’t disguise all the mealey mouth moans and the blue black lies Lady Gargar playin’ guitar playin’ the Tsar in a seafood bar This gasp for air well I declare I’m not too young to die and it ain’t just my hair

Listening to a new record from The Tuesday Club is, for me, like watching a Terry Gilliam film: I spend the first time through gazing in all directions at once, filled with awe and childlike wonder at the amazing adventure that I’m lucky enough to be part of, then find myself giddily shouting ‘Again! Again!’ until the silent room once again is filled with the magical sounds they have created. The band’s latest 3-track EP kicks off with ‘Lady Gargar’, a nuanced, hook-laden rocker with a late-70s David Bowie feel. This is followed by ‘Scars Are Superstars’, which balances an insatiable Marc Bolan-esque chorus with a danceable New Wave-y backbone. ‘Resistance’, the final track here and my personal favorite at the moment, is equal parts catchy and experimental, seeming for all the world like a lost Peel Session track recorded by The Fall in an unknown segment of space-time and brought back from the past (or future?) by these genre-hopping geniuses. Anyone unfamiliar with The Tuesday Club is urged to visit their online store posthaste, noting that downloads are available at unbeatable punkrock prices.

Oh scratch the sheen It won’t come clean you’ll see the blood and guts of the monster that I’ve been Oh look away don’t dismay you’re the starlet of my play the only reason for this treason is I welcome you today I’m the broken bits of crisps and biscuits Haha Ha (Woo Hoo) theimpalerspeaks.com/post/131278857181/tcclady-gargar

Thanks to all those of you who contributed to this hall of fame, from the safety of the crowd, during the course of the Gargar Tour. Apologies for not knowing exactly who took what, but we do know Simone Austwick took the fab Halloween ones and Brad Wigglesworth the Luton ones! Plus Matt Turvey, Rog & Blair

SNAPS from the

cro

OF THE broken bits of CRISPS

owd

S AND BISCUITS

B U L C Foot tappers

THE R EMIX SHOW ES !

‘COS the Platters still matter.. .

Dear Club fans - welcome to AVBD and The Beautiful Wolf’s monthly round up of the new, the old, the signed, the unsigned and the inspirational from our very own musical old curiosity shop, This is where we pick and podcast 10(ish) tracks that turn us on... with a little help from J-Rod! Here’s a selection of this month’s featured tracks, but you’ll have to listen to find out more :-)

This month’s however, having said all that is a bit different!

We are breaking with tradition, as AVBD goes ‘solo’, with a very special pod featuring some fabulous celebrity remixes of Lady Gargar and other tracks relating to the remixers... and er, other tracks that don’t!

Big thanks to Pete Jones, Will Crewdson, Portman and The Reverse Family for their contributions.

LADYGAGA (HOT SPUD MIX) Pete Jones remixed by the current Dept S and former PIL bassman!

On my Own Again Department S A brand new release featuring the great man above and his cohorts, go see ‘um

live if you get the chance, there’s so much more than just Vic there!

Ladygaga(alternatemix) - Portman Alt mix Next up the first of the mysterious Portman’s 2 remixes for us.

Lady Gargar (Fly in the Mash Mix) - Scant Regard This one was put together by workaholic Will, and mashes together his distinctive sound, with our crisps and biscuits.

Love Und Romance The Slits Peel Sessions Just because of the fab book Clothes, Music, Boys by Viv Albertine, which has done what all great books do, sent AVBD back on a voyage of re-disc-covery!

Bad Apple - Scant Regard from the album Lone Ranger A track from Scant Regards latest and best (in our opinion) full lengther!

Get it quick though, there’s another newie in the pipeline apparently!

LGG RF15 - Reverse Family A project as yet unleashed, We hope you enjoy this months Watch out podcast; don’t forget you can for Reverse Family in 2016, there’s lots of it! subscribe to them and listen again on our LadyGarGar_ mixcloud.com/ WYHWPDNIWSY_remix thisisTheTuesdayClub Portman’s 2nd & more experimental mix, it probably will make you go GaGa

LAST NIGHT OF THE SELLIN FAST FB US ASAP FOR TICKETS!

LADY GARGAR TOUR

SUNDAY 8TH NOV!! www.facebook.com/ events/1645940948953035/

DAMinx It’s not always easy to know who you are talking to at Tuesday Club gig. Looking for the cowbell

The Club of Tuesday will play with Toyah again at weekend. last time Minx have nice time at Islington Academy and this time will play in Garage, which is not as good and hopefully have taken all cars out first so have enough room for 7 piece band, all Toyah and minions and other band called Das Fluff. At first thought band called De-fluff like gadget seen on QVC that take off bobble from jumper, but no. Also apparently also play cowbell so I see war coming.

In meantime, investigate Toyah music and am most amuse that first album called Minx. Didn’t know Toyah was such fan of Minx. Album from 1985 so obviously Minx only just born perhaps was spooky present from Toyah Willcox (is real name? Is rude, a bit like Carry On film), like wise men bring myrrh to Jesus.

Minx decide to investigate tracks on album further for hidden message.

Soldier of Fortune, Terrorist of Love - is spooky, like Toyah know Minx love Uzi machine gun and also love love. Minx love uniform. Yes is good description of Minx.

Don’t Fall in Love (I Said) - again, said like dominatrix, with element of force. Also though Minx care very much for Minions, they are still

Minions and so Minx never say that will not even enter dressing room, Minx love Minion. let alone grace stage.

America for Beginners - not sure Soul Passing Through Soul - is this what Toyah message to Minx is about James Brown? No? OK, then here. Perhaps Toyah know Minx is Toyah know how much soul go into actually spy and this will help Minx play cowbell. #morecowbell blend in to Western society. I think I’ll Serve You Well - ah yes Toyah ABC of America for Beginners is A. know of Minion and how well they Asshole - first word Minx need to serve Minx. This is song for Minion. know to blend in, B. Burger - first All in a Rage - and this is song Minx food Minx need to eat to blend in. sing to Minion when they misbehave. and C. Chrysler Viper - the car Minx demand to drive to blend in, is Minx Space Between The Sounds - yes favourite car, in America at least. this is excuse for cowbell solo.

That is it for Toyah secret message #morecowbell to Minx. Am no wiser. Will have to School’s Out - is cover of Alice ask extra small lady herself when Cooper! School is in fact not even in at Garage. GARAGE! Ah, perhaps for Minx as said before (скрещенные Toyah has bought Minx a Chrysler пальцы) Minx only just born then, so Viper as present and all those years not at school, so school cannot even ago she write album as secret be in, let alone out. treasure hunt for Minx all years later World in Action - Minx more likely to say that Toyah love Minx and to be Missing in Action if vodka not perhaps want to adopt Minx! Will provided in rider. Van Halen ask for keep world posted. all brown M&Ms to be remove from rider - Minx ask for all idiots to be removed from vicinity. This is difficult as sometimes leaves no people around Minx. This is why Minions are so important to Minx. Minx also insist on M&Ms but must NOT be laid flat, must all be on end, otherwise Minx

In the club

with Marc Olivier

Joining us in the club this month.... We welcome Marc Olivier 1) OK firstly, we’re sitting in The Cyber (the pub on the internet) doing this... and it’s our round.

What’ll it be?

These days I am cheap date.

It would be a glass of soda water with lime… Let’s stay rock’n’roll!

2) What was the last thing you heard/watched that was so good you just had to tell someone about it?

The music documentary movie about The Wrecking Crew!

I saw this movie over 2 years ago when Denny Tedesco (the director) came to present it in London. The film stayed in my mind ever since. Discovering the musicians who were behind so many of the records and soundtracks that crafted me throughout the years inspired me tremendously.

After 20 years in the making, the movie finally came out officially a couple of month

of Prude.

ago. I truly recommend it.

3) There used to be badges and compilation albums proclaiming ‘Punk’s Not Dead’...but what do you think its current mortal state is?

I find it interesting to see the juxtaposition between now and then, as we are facing more than ever a no future perspective in so many ways. Difference is…

It seems to me that today’s generation is reacting in the opposite manner as in the late 70’s punk movement. It’s very safe. It feels that thoughts and ideas that once shook a certain establishment are now used in a very conformist and predictable way. In an era where library music is the hip thing to do, we can definitely say is that Punk, as we know it, is very much dead.

4) Do you have heroes? Are they real or plastic?

This is funny ‘cause I founded a band in the early 2000 called Plastic Heroes. It was in reaction against the surge of celebrityobsessed culture. We didn’t win… (lol) My heroes would be Albert Einstein, Anne Frank, Groucho Marx!

5) Is the Internet a help or a hindrance to (a) New Bands (b) Established acts

It is the same as before but with bigger tits!! The internet can blow what you do way out of proportion as well as swallowing you until you disappear into its vast cyber ocean.

6) If you could be any character in any film, what film... and who would it be?

Han Solo in Star Wars

7) What was the last thing that made you laugh?

My wife Geeta’s out of lunch morning songs.

12) Where’s the best place to find your current musical endeavours on the internet and what are you up to right now?

You can find my band ‘Prude’ at facebook.com/prudemusic and also at metropolis-records.com/artist/prude

Geeta, incredible artist who I had the opportunity to produce her last album and who I play guitar with for the live shows.

www.geeta.ca

I’m currently finishing my first solo album that should 8) You are now In The Club (The Tuesday Club, come out early next year. It’s that is)... but what club do you actually wish it was? all in French. My guideline I would have loved to experience was to imagine Serge Gainsbourg Studio 54 in NYC. meets Iggy pop during ‘The Idiot’ sessions. I got the chance to 9) Who’d be in your fantasy rock’n’ roll band. Guirecord it with some damn fine tar, Bass, Drums, Vocals, keys... musicians like Sami Yaffa from On guitar: Brian Setzer, Bass: Paul Hanoi Rocks / New York Dolls, McCartney, Drums: Keith Moon, Will Crewdson (Adam Ant / The Vocals: Lou Reed and on Keys: Selecter) and the man himself Roger Millington of course!

Dave Richmond who play the 10) If you had a time machine and could go back to legendary bass on Gainsbourg’s any year in music, when would it be and why? mythical album Melody Nelson.

Between 1966 and 1970 definitely! The different internet platforms The most prolific period that for the album will be up and reached an excellence at every running at the end of 2015. level. These years became a blue You can also find my recording studio at print for all the years to come www.plasticsoundstudios.com in popular music.

11) Who are your top 2 rock Stars of all time 1) man 1) woman

Man: Johnpaulgeorge&ringo / Woman: Patti Smith

Thanks Mark, It was fab to have you In The Club!

Paul Eccentric’s Bedtime Story STORM WARNING

with a: ‘Looks like it might rain, later.’, but Phenola; following her tanned and tinted middle aged colleague’s predictable ‘How was it for you?’ Marina asked, stepping off the set; eye line toward Marina’s hemline, cut him back down with: relaxing muscles that she hadn’t even realised she’d been ‘Of course it’s going to rain, Gordon; it’s a bloody bank holiday tensing and coiling her lush golden locks up into a loose weekend!’ post-coital style bun on the director’s signal to cut, ‘It’s completely different when someone’s pointing a camera at Interviews are always stressful affairs, especially if the you.’ she said, fishing quite shamelessly for a compliment position in question is your absolute dream job and Marina from the man whose job it was to make her shine. had always wanted to be a TV weathergirl. Lots of little girls go through that ‘dressing up in their mummy’s clothes and The director spread his arms and air kissed her on both make up’ stage, but there probably aren’t so many of them cheeks, gushing: ‘daaahling, you were fabulous, just fabulous; who then get their daddies to paint a map of the British Isles a natural! Think we should find you something a little... less, onto the bedroom wall behind them so that they can practice to go with those legs, and the hair: loving it up! Perhaps we their forecasting patter. could try it in a ponytail for the late show? I’ll speak to makeup.

Charles! Daaahling!’ he oozed, spotting Cheeky Charlie the cameraman disentangling himself from his headphones and preparing to slip out for a sly fag, ‘wasn’t she a dear?’ he minced, sashaying toward him in the hope of snaffling a cigarette and a quick bitch in the studio car park.

It was the glamorous outfits; it was the celebrity lifestyle; it was the fact that they only seemed to work for a few minutes every day; it was the thought of being as famous as a popstar whilst still being able to get home in time for tea that had attracted her to the profession from an early age.

Her careers adviser had told her that she was sure that Tom the sound man gave her what he thought of as his ‘call there would be a little more to it than that, and had advised me’ smile as he helped her to remove her earpiece, then led her to do a geography degree at least; and there probably was, she’d thought, if you were on the BBC, but this was her back down the corridor to the office. commercial TV. She doubted she’d need to know the ins’n outs ‘Well you certainly get my vote,’ he blurted, then kicked of the industry just to tell people it was going to rain again! himself for being too smooth when she smiled and closed the It was her first interview. She had only graduated a month door behind herself. earlier. She still couldn’t believe her luck! She’d be working On the other side of the door, sat her would-be co star Gordon with Gordon Mullorden; she’d be replacing Phenola and Phenola; the girl whom she hoped to be replacing, at their Gaye: industry heavyweights since she was a little girl! desks, reviewing their scripts for the following day.

Pretty much as soon as she had arrived Adrian had stood ‘Nicely done,’ praised Gordon, the professionally effete, but her in the studio in between a green colour separation screen and a wall sized mirror. In the mirror she could see quietly straight breakfast caster, ‘how did you find Adrian?’

‘Camp tosser!’ spat Phenola, cutting in without looking up, a constantly moving graphic representation of cloud cover ‘And that creepy cameraman of his. He thinks we’re still over The British Isles being projected onto the screen behind her. So that’s how they did it, she’d thought! Clever. She’d making porno’s.’ had to deliver the script that she had spent the previous evening learning whilst pointing to a display that she could ‘I thought they were quite sweet,’ countered Marina. only see in reverse and attempting to seduce the viewer ‘So’s chocolate, honey; on the way in. Not so on its way out, into buying whichever product was currently endorsing the report in the top corner of the screen and thereby paying though, eh?’

‘Nice imagery, thanks.’ Marina replied, momentarily wrong the company’s wages. Tricky, but not beyond her abilities. footed by the star’s bluntness, ‘I’ll bear that in mind.’

Gordon stepped in to fill the awkward silence that followed ‘You might as well sit down,’ Phenola had said, ‘they’ll

be ages yet.’And so she had. Phenola had made her a Something about this didn’t feel quite right. What could be so cup of coffee and discretely passed her a note which had hush about weather predicting? read: ‘CCTV!! Mind what you say. They’re watching you.’

‘It is a copy of The Official Secrets Act. Until we have your ‘So,’ said Gordon, in an attempt to steer her away from name just ...there...,’ he indicated with his pen as he passed it saying something detrimental to her chances of winning to her, ‘I’m afraid that I can’t tell you anything else.’ the job, as he was quite looking forward to seeing what wardrobe might put her into for the eleven o’clocks, Marina scanned and signed the form and slid it back to him.

‘What made you want to become a weathergirl?’ The Minister folded the file and passed it to The Aide who put it into a briefcase.

‘You did, actually.’ Marina replied, unabashedly. Gordon’s eyebrows lifted as far as his botoxing would allow. ‘Thank you. ‘Now-’ he began, but was cut short by Marina’s: ‘Is this the interview now? Only I’m a bit confused. Are you ‘Do you remember when you used to do your reports from the boss?’ that giant floating map in the middle of the docks?’ she said, The Minister winced; he didn’t like being interrupted. touching his sleeve in what he chose to interpret as a come on.

He flushed a little. Was she even old enough to remember that? ‘I am in overall control of this country’s weather, Miss Storm, so yes: technically, I am ‘the boss.’’

‘Well I was the little girl who Jim ‘Fixed It’ for to be your apprentice for the day!’ Gordon suddenly felt his age.

He steepled his fingers on the desk in front of him and attempted a smile, but the muscles of his face steadfastly ‘I think we’ve found our new public face, Sir,’ said The Aide to refused his request. ‘As for ‘interview’: if I didn’t think that The Minister, ‘And she really isn’t as vacuous as she looks. I you were suitable for the position, then we would not be having think she’ll go for it, with a bit of gentle... persuasion.’ this conversation. The job is yours, Miss Storm; this meeting is just so that I can explain to you a few of the things that you He lifted up a buff file which contained the printouts of every need to know about the rôle that you have just accepted.’ email, text, tweet and phone conversation that Marina had made or received during the previous six months. ‘Checked He tried again with the personable smile, but failed as and re checked, sir; clean record, no affiliations, honors miserably as he had before. degree and best of all- she looks like a porn star!’ He flipped through Marina’s file.

Marina stifled a: ‘YES!!’

‘Not one for gossip; in fact, she is widely regarded as a trusted confidante to her family and friends. Voted conservative last time around and doesn’t believe everything she reads.

She’s a patriot; even spent the night before the royal wedding camped on The Mall.’

‘I am not just looking for a weather girl, Miss Storm,’ The Minister went on, ‘I am looking for someone with the style and the credibility to front the whole department. Miss Gaye is, as you know, about to leave us and Mr Mullorden is close to retirement; so I need a face at the helm that the public will trust. You, Miss Storm, I believe are that face.’

The Minister adjusted the camera’s focus, enlarging his view Marina felt herself blush. This was getting better and better! of Marina and Gordon in the office along the hall and studied The Minister flattened his hands onto the table. her closely.

‘What I am about to tell you, you may find...unsettling, and ‘Excellent. All the necessary ingredients. Natural blonde, may I remind you that you are now bound by law not to reveal too.’ He remarked, ‘Okay, bring her in. Oh, and Marvin,’ anything that I am about to say.’ Marina nodded mutely.

‘Yes Minister?’

‘I am giving you this information so that certain ‘requests’ The Minister switched to camera two, bringing up a close up that may in future be passed down to you can be put into of Phenola, texting obliviously in the corner. context. Do you understand what I am saying to you?’

She didn’t, but she said yes anyway.

‘I think we can dispense with this one now. If you’d be so good as to set it up?’‘Very good, Minister.’

‘You may be excused for believing that weather is a randomly occurring natural phenomena by whose whim we are at the Marina took the seat that she was bidden, opposite the ultimate mercy of. Well that may have been the case back in imposing, twilight figure of The Minister. The room was large, the days of yore, my dear, but the world’s scientists have had dark and all but empty, save for the chairs that they were sat total command of the elements for the past five decades. We on and the plain wooden table between them. The Aide who don’t just predict the weather here, Miss Storm, we control had escorted her in placed a red cardboard file on the desk in it.’ front of her and then moved to stand behind and slightly to the right of his already seated employer.

‘But that’s silly,’ said Marina, screwing up her nose and giggling through her teeth, ‘If we could control the weather, ‘Good morning, Miss Storm,’ said The Minister imperiously then we wouldn’t have all these floods and droughts and and rather patronisingly, she’d thought. ‘If you would be so tsunamis and things, would we!’ good as to read this document and sign beside your name, then we may proceed.’

‘Would we not?’ The Minister answered, mimicking her naivety.

‘What is it?’ Marina enquired, wary of signing her life away. ‘Miss Storm, England is not the only country with the ability

rebelcrowguitars@gmail.com Hemel Hempstead, Hertfordshire, uk

to exert its meteorological influence. We are but one small player on the world stage. When it is politically expedient we have even been known to work in tandem with other countries, freezing; boiling or even drowning out our mutual enemies.

‘Sometimes a rogue state or terrorist organisation with misappropriated technology may cause us a minor cold snap or an unexpected temporary heatwave; hence the apparent inconsistency of The English Weather, but for the most part I make the decision as to what happens with Britain’s weather, when; where and for how long.’

‘You’re winding me up!’ she laughed. ‘Is this a test or summ’at?’

‘I assure you, Miss Storm, it is not and I most certainly AM not!’

‘So how come it always rains on bank holiday weekends, then?’

Marina asked, still not sure whether or not she believed the melodramatic stranger who hadn’t even told her his name.

The Minister chuckled, taking his face quite by surprise, which creaked into an approximation of a wry smile, but very quickly reverted to it’s failsafe setting.

‘Health & Safety.’ he replied. ‘Can you imagine how many extra road traffic accidents we would have to deal with If the general public were to hit the roads en masse at the same time on a Friday evening, all heading for the coast? It would be chaos. So we ensure that most of them stay at home in front of their televisions where they are safe.’

‘So it’s your fault when it rains at Glastonbury as well, then, is it?’

‘Crowd control. I do the same every year for The Edinburgh Festival. But have you never noticed that it’s always dry for Royal weddings?’

‘So why don’t we get snow at Christmas anymore, then?’

‘Ah. That’s the Americans. There always has to be a balance, you see and as with everything else in this life, they get first dibs; hence those gorgeous Californian summers. ‘Special Relationship’.’ he spat through gritted teeth.

‘No,’ Marina said, shaking her head. ‘I’m not falling for it.

I don’t believe you.

Someone’s put you up to this, haven’t they! I thought this was real!’

She began to sob; gathered her clutch bag and stood to leave, snuffling into a tissue as she did so.

The Minister clicked his finger and a screen suddenly lit up on the wall to her left. It showed the office that she had been sat in previously with Gordon and Phenola. The Aide pulled a device that looked like a mobile phone from his pocket and pressed a sequence of buttons on it. As he did, the window behind Phenola’s work station slid open, making her soon to be predecessor jump as rain started to pour in onto her back.

As Phenola stood to reclose it, there was a thunderous rumble and a sudden bolt of lightning hit her squarely in the chest, throwing her backwards across the room. She was dead before she hit the floor.

‘Weather reporting is a serious business, Miss Storm.

It’s also a patriotic business.’ The Minister explained patiently, clicking the screen off, ‘There’s more to it than you’d think. Now,’ and he stood to stare straight into her terrifyingly enlightened eyes, ‘have a word with wardrobe on your way out; it looks like you’ll have to do the six o’clock tonight as well.’

The

s n o s r a P Knows

By Denise Parsons – Music Promoter – ‘The Live Music Project’ Trestle Arts Base, St.Albans

THIS MONTH’S TOP BANDS, ARTISTS and EVENTS! Well it’s been one hell of a month what with lots of Spooky goings on & the Lady Gargar tour! Much time spent clearing up #crisps & #biscuits luckily we managed to veer Mr AVBD away from any seafood antics!!

So much music going on locally as well with the launch of ‘Acoustic Gems’ at The Crown, St Albans on the last Thursday of every month.

Nice that another local pub is supporting original local artists & not just churning out the same tired covers bands.. (Apologies if you’re in a tired covers band.. but you know what I mean!!) & coming in December The Hare & Hounds launches ‘Acoustic Lounge’ on a Sunday afternoon – starts on Sunday 20th December with a Xmas Special. more details to follow.

As far as my radio show goes, it seems that local artists are literally queuing to get on the show. This makes me very happy... a waiting list no less… Worth mentioning actually that The Parsons Knows Local Music on Radio Verulam (Thursdays 7-8pm) is now a whopping 1 year old. Wow! That year has just flown by. I remember being ever so nervous on my first few shows & can’t believe how relaxed I am now on the air waves! A wonderful experience all round & much thanks to all you listeners & local musicians

that have supported me this last year.

The next ‘The Live Music Project – Acoustic Café’ is on Sunday 22nd November at Trestle Arts Base & is also part of Sustainable St Albans week. Find out more about that here

facebook.com/SustainableStAlbans/?ref=ts&fref=ts Empire Records are back to putting on live music in their fab shop on a Sunday at 1pm.

Cant help loving the concept of a live band in a record shop!!

facebook.com/Empire-Records-St-Albans297993320333983/?fref=ts So whats new in the world of local music then..

1.

Digital Interface Band

I was sent the new CD by a friend & really enjoyed it. Not sure they are actually gigging but the Cd is definitely worth checking out.

A collaboration between Bob Thompson who runs lots of open mics around the area & Rebecca Turner & Wendell Richardson. Here’s their facebook page & go give it a like! facebook.com/digitalinterfaceband/timeline

2.

The Twirling Canes

these guys are based in Hertford & I’ve yet to catch them live but they are on my list. I met up with Matthew from the band at a random meeting at a poetry night in Finsbury Park & got chatting as we tried to find a coffee shop open & he mentioned he was in a band & it ended up that we had several mutual friends.

This led me to checking out their music & page only to find out that both band members are called Matthew so not sure which one I met but anyway. I loved their music & promptly played them on my show. So please see what you think.

facebook.com/TheTwirlingCanes/?fref=ts

3.

High Treason

Local rockers have their new album out soon & have released yet another cracking video – have a look on:

facebook.com/hightreasonuk/?fref=ts & this will take you to their YouTube page.

They really do crack out some fantastic tunes & the album apparently features Ben Matthews from Thunder & Elliot Gould from Steely Dan no less.. I’ve played the tracks on my show & they are top notch!! Looking forward to getting my hands on the album.

4.

Melodi

little lady with an amazing voice has been travelling around playing her music. I played a track from her on my show a couple of weeks ago which was an Ian Dury cover of ‘Wake up & make love to me’. Now normally I wouldn’t play a cover on the radio unless there was something pretty special about & this track most definitely complied with this rule. I have had that many people ask me who that was... a very different version to the original. Have a listen:

soundcloud.com/melodi-music/melodi-wake-upand-make-love-with-me

Well that’s about all from me this month folks. Hope to see you at one of the amazing gigs on offer around the Herts area or you never know.. further afield!!

Thank you & goodnight..

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels.

Life’s a bitch. You’ve got to go out and kick ass.

— Maya Angelo

soundcloud.com/denise-parsons-1 facebook.com/theparsonsknows?ref=hl twitter.com/RVparsonsknows

Trestle Arts Base, Russet Drive, St.Albans, AL4 OJQ, t: 01727 850950 e: production@trestle.org.uk w: www.trestle.org.uk t: @trestletheatre

POP UP SHOP!

l the al ve ha u yo re su e ak m , ss Ki Now you have Forbidden t pop for ec rf Pe ’s Cd d an ’s p3 m , l ny other stuff! There’s vi

e! l sa t oo rb ca , te fa ol ho sc g, n i birthday, anniversary, wedd um b l A e h T y a d s e u Don’t delay!

See you next T ownload!

MP3 d d n a D C , l y n i V White

Including all the hits! and LIVE FAVES!!

Dolly Dynamite Ain’t Got No Class Money Means Nothing Nanananana She Splayed My Teeth New Regime (Slow Swing) Replication and Montage All You Do Is Wow New Glamour

Wish My Slate Was Cleaner

Vinyl As a Manifesto

version of New Glamour Single - A new re your time. fo be d Ol ve fa ve li + ng so e th CD, with Available on Gold enhanced ad! special video and MP3 downlo

Forbidden Kiss EP2 + Cities Alive and One Idea and A Lonely Voice.

Available on Silver and MP3 download! EP 1 of a set of 4!

My Consciousness EP 1 + Harsh Tales of Ancient News and So mething Major.

Available on Silver and MP3 download!

EP 1 of a set of 4!

BUY THEM ALL HERE...

www.thetcshop.com