Always and Forever | Perfumed Pages Mini #002

ALWAYS AND FOREVER

SWIMMING POOL SAFETY RULES | Natalie Chan | page 3 SELF PORTRAIT | Ella Breunig | page 8 THE LONG WAY HOME | Shivani Verma | page 13

PAGE 1

LOVE; THE BEAUTY AND TERROR "How terribly unlovable must she be, To manipulate people into loving her" I've counted men, Falling into love like jumping off cliffs That are deeper than the pits of despair "But it's the same", you say Swinging your feet in the air And i think, That maybe i am a good liar, Incarcerating you in an idea of what i could be, Or maybe, perhaps Just another monster created By the intense desire to be loved.

How do we know we're in love?

Is it when we give in, to the desolation Or when we hope that the little of us left in it, Could be saved?

"Beauty, terror, lies.

Beauty

Beauty Beauty" i whisper when i kiss you .

You taste beauty in the lies Smeared across my lips But can you swallow the terror that comes with it?

I lie when i say i don't wish to be loved by you But your love is beautiful, And i am terrified.

PAGE 2

To end a monster, You need to love it.

To love a monster, you need to end the one inside yourself, And I've killed and killed and killed Till i could so none of it in myself, But then again, i could see no one at all .

The monster in me, now dead Leaves like a question lingering in the air, "When a monster learns to love, Is it even a monster anymore"?

by Tanushree Gogoi

PAGE 3

SWIMMING POOL SAFETY RULES Monday to Friday: 9 a.m. - 8 p.m.

1. NO FOOD OR DRINKS ARE ALLOWED BY THE POOL. You take a bite out of the sandwich, lettuce caught between the gaps of your teeth. Beside you, Mira dips her legs into the pool, rivulets of water splashing across the checkered tiles.

You kiss her on the cheek and she hums. Her fingers lock with yours.

2. DO NOT SIT ON POOL LANE DIVIDERS. “You probably shouldn’t do that.”

She straddles her legs around the plastic. “Don’t worry,” her tongue sticks out in protest, “I practically live here.”

You roll your eyes. “That arguably makes it worse. You’re too reckless.”

Mira leans forward, pressing her body along the dividers as she stretches towards you.

“Do you hear that?”

“Hear what?”

She pauses, smiling. “Did you know that people don’t actually look like they’re drowning most of the time? They don’t shout, or anything. Just sort of flail and stare off into the distance, like a dying fish.”

“There are lifeguards for a reason” You step in her direction, crouching down to meet her gaze. “Besides, if you’re drowning, I’ll just pull you up to shore. That’s all.”

Mira opens her arms, letting her balance falter. She falls face-first into the water. Your concern is short-lived, as she floats toward the edge of the pool, clutching onto the pool walls to look up at you. “Are you hungry?”

3. DO NOT SMOKE NEAR THE POOL. She pushes your cigarette back towards you with her free hand. “Haven’t you read the rules? Here.” Her finger points in the vague direction of a dilapidated cardboard sign. “It says ‘Do not smoke near the pool.’”

“I can read.” You loop your arm around her shoulder. “Since when were you such a sucker for the rules?”

PAGE 4

“Smoking messes with your lungs.” Her eyes flicker to the moon as it filters in through the windows - the natatorium gleams, as if you’re looking up from the bottom of the ocean.

She inches toward the water, looking back at you as her arms stretch forward, preparing to dive. “I don’t want my voice to be hoarse.”

4. DON’T LISTEN. Follow me, Sailor.

Treasures await you.

Follow our tides.

Let the ocean floor guide you.

Forget who you are, Who you might be.

This water shall soothe you Beyond eternity.

5. DON’T LISTEN TO HER. Forgiveness is mortal, The tides hear your name.

Only here, dear sailor, Are you truly sane.

Follow me, Sailor.

Into my arms.

I’ll be your salvation, Forget not my charms.

6. AVOID GOING INTO THE WATER WITH OPEN WOUNDS. Mira bites into the cushion of your lips, drawing blood. Her forehead pressed against yours, she wipes a tear from the corner of your eyes, glazed over with a layer of mist. The moon tints her cheeks with a faint glow. She kisses you.

“I’m sorry.”

7. DON’T SCREAM. NOBODY CAN HEAR YOU HERE.

by Natalie Chan

LOVE CHATS WITH RUTH

BESTIE...LET'S BREAK UP

Breaking up with a friend or group of friends can be emotionally overwhelming.

Often it is easier to break up with a friend if they have done something wrong. If they have behaved in a way that’s disrespectful, flirted with your partner, insulted you or someone you love -it makes it easier to let them drop out of your orbit.

So, what happens if you find yourself in situation where things have just sort of… fizzled out?

Maybe you have a friend that you bonded with and you both had a lot in common for a long time, but the fire has gone out.

Maybe you worked together or went to school together and found yourselves at each other’s houses almost every evening, but since you’ve moved on in life, you no longer share common ground, and you find that brunches are ruled by silence and not the golden kind?

I had a friend in high school who was very different to me in personality and interests. But we looked very alike, and people started calling us sisters. This bonded us and we became best friends. Those high school life experiences brought us close.

We would spend hours on the phone after school talking about our crushes and what clothing we wanted to buy, how annoying our mums were being. After high school, she moved to Europe on exchange. She made a new group of friends, broke up with her boyfriend here and found that her life over there made her happier. I was never jealous.

When she moved back, things were different.

When we would get together, I felt we no longer had any common ground. The topics we had bonded over changed. We couldn’t talk about music or books because although we both liked music and books, our tastes were very different. I was into contemporary fiction and listened to metal and she read political history books and listened to indie music.

PAGE 6

Eventually the mutual decision to break up came along. With very little words. We just stopped calling one another and I haven’t heard from her in years now. I know she is doing well and so am I. I don’t hold any resentment and yes, I was sad for a while, but we had plateaued and we both knew it.

Looking back, I can see there were always holes in our friendship. For one, she was critical of my behaviour growing up. I started getting tattoos as soon as I turned 18 and I dated boys who were…well, bad boys. She liked sweet boys and hated tattoos. She told me she couldn’t believe I kept getting more and though I wasn’t offended at the time - If someone told me they didn’t like my tattoos now I would tell them that I didn’t get them for them – back then I took those opinions to heart.

I am with you if you are at the crossroads with a friend and you can’t decide whether the friendship is worth the effort anymore. I get it.

I would suggest evaluating the friendship.

Does it feel like they pull their weight?

Do you feel like you’re always having to make plans? When you make plans do you find yourself paying for meals, drinks and tickets? Do they call you as often as you call them? Do they cancel plans? If you are nodding then maybe it’s time to take notice. They could be using you. Reassess your own self-worth. It isn’t worth pushing that boulder up a mountain.

There are far better people out there, it may take time, but you will find them. Find someone who deserves your company, time, and intelligence.

Can you be yourself around them?

If you are holding back or maybe skirting around what is happening in your life because you fear being judged, it might be that their judgemental personality is harming your own self-worth.

PAGE 7

Think about revealing more about yourself, don’t hold back. If they judge you or treat you in a certain way because of your own life choices, it might be time to cut them loose.

Always be your most authentic and best self. You don’t need someone raining on your parade. It’s your life and you should do what makes you happy.

Is the friendship engaging and stimulating?

Are you finding that you’re talking about the same events that happened three years ago, with no new common ground? Is it boring? If that’s a solid yes, then you can either work on making the friendship new and exciting again – introduce them to your new friends or suggest a fun activity you can both do together.

If sitting at breakfast together is something you’re struggling to get through, it’s time to spice things up – just like you would in a relationship. If that doesn’t work or you don’t want to try that, it might be time to break-up?

Like I said, it can be overwhelming making the final call to end things with a friend, particularly if you have known them for a long time.

Remember, we are humans, and we change, it’s not always a bad thing.

You could be giving them space to flourish too and find a group of friends who are more suited to their lifestyle and interests.

It’s okay to break up with a friend if that friendship just isn’t working anymore.

By Ruth Niemiec

PAGE 8

By Ella Breunig

Column PAGE 9

Crisis Mode

I am in a happy, butterfly-inducing, life affirming, utterly enriching relationship with a man I hope to marry one day. Despite this unrelenting gift, I am still learning how to be with him.

I think, when you’ve spent so long being treated a certain way, you forget anything different.

When it’s bad, so consistently, you can’t imagine anyone treating you better than that. You develop responses and tactics to cope, letting them embed in your nature. I let my brain and body learn what was the new normal and became comfortable in the agony.

That was before, and now, this gorgeous person in front of me has done nothing wrong and it feels so hard to explain to him why I respond to certain things in such ridiculous ways.

When I feel as though something is going wrong, or about to, my heart goes into crisis mode. I am full of apologies and my brain is consumed with plans from a-z of how to fix things, how to make it better. I immediately accept all blame because I know nothing else; without this permanent feeling of guilt, I don’t know who I am. It’s as though I have guilt stored up and ready to go just in case anything happens – I am nothing if not prepared for the worst.

I completely panic if I miss his phone calls, because I remember the way I used to be berated for not keeping myself available at all times. I lose my mind if he doesn’t respond to me for a while, because I remember how I would be given the silent treatment as punishment for when I’d done something anything wrong. I’m completely enraged when he doesn’t remember something I told him, because I was so used to being gaslighted and told that I was making things up. These things aren’t fair to this kind soul that can’t understand why I react in such ways to small moments. It wasn’t until recently that he asked me, “Why do you always react that way?” after something he’d said. It was a harmless question, but it made me realise it was time to second-guess my instincts.

PAGE 10

I forced myself to attempt to explain the way my brain is currently wired. We spent the night talking about each other’s pasts, how neither of us were treated fairly before we met each other. I told him how there’s always a reason for my tears even if it may not seem like it, and he told me he would wipe them away if I let him. The feeling of relief after communicating my worries and fully expressing myself was immense. I couldn’t believe I hadn’t done it sooner, and I wouldn’t have gotten the reassurance I needed without asking for it.

He’s taught me how to have realistic boundaries, he encourages me tell him off if he does something that upsets me. It’s completely refreshing to be with someone who doesn’t minimise me or shut me down, someone who wants me to be me.

I don’t need to be in crisis mode anymore and it’s a little disorientating.

However, I’m getting better at knowing when I don’t need to cry or worry, and realising I am no longer in a toxic relationship. I am allowed to enjoy it without carrying around my defence plans for if something were to go wrong. I’m learning to let go of the guilt that comforted me for so long; it’s no good to me anymore. It’s difficult and wonderful to be unlearning all the unnecessary behaviours that I picked up along the way of being with someone who didn’t treat me right. I’m rewiring my brain and it’s so good to let my heart finally relax.

B y V io le t Payne

PAGE 13

the long way home Anytime you leave is gone too soon.

I was good at keeping myself stitched together in your absence but now I’m tired, and I fall apart all too quickly. Goodbyes are like ripping off band-aids; I was never good at that. I’d peel them off my knees with agonizing slowness because the sting was too much and not enough — hey, that’s you. You’re too much, a shot of pure feeling that I could get addicted to all too fast. But you’re not enough because I want more and more and anytime you leave is gone too soon. Stop going. Would you stay if I said please?

I took the short way here just to see you but I’ll take the long way home to ease the ache. I’m still here, right where you left me, and I think back to what I said. If you close your eyes, you can’t see them and they can’t see you. Your quiet laugh pressed against my chest plucked every string in my heart. If I close my eyes right now, I can almost imagine that you’re still here.

by Shivani Verma

Column PAGE 11

Cheater, Cheater, Best-FriendEater I know that you’re supposed to be happy when someone you love is happy, but it’s hard to ignore the gnawing feeling of losing your best friend.

It wasn’t even about her getting into a relationship, it was that it was with a boy that used to bully me. It sucked that she didn’t even tell me about it until I noticed something had changed. It sucked when he cheated on her – twice – and she still forgave him.

I first started realising I was losing her when she stopped being okay with driving me home after school. I lived seven minutes past her house and one day she said she wouldn’t be able to drive me home, and then it kept happening. She reminded me it was out of her way and “wasn’t really fair”, even though I would get my mum to drop me at her house in the mornings so she wouldn’t have to come pick me up. So, I started getting the bus and she would pick up and drop off her boyfriend every day who lived another twenty minutes past my house.

She would leave class to call him to make sure he was awake because “he can’t rely on an alarm clock”. We were late to school every morning that he was at her house, because we couldn’t leave until he woke up. The only thing I don’t regret is pouring a glass of water over his sleeping face because I was sick of missing my first class every day.

You don’t really know what third wheeling is until your best friend gets into a co-dependent relationship. It’s even worse when they’re arguing, and you’re standing there like a child of divorce that isn’t sure where they’re spending Christmas that year. Other people saw it, too. They saw how unhealthy the relationship was and how much it was changing her for the worse, but no one would say anything. When he cheated on her, the first time, I didn’t scream at him or tell her to break up with him. I was there for her; told her I would do whatever she needed.

PAGE 12

She thanked me for not getting angry and behaving like all our other friends. It was the same when he cheated again, I just wanted her to be happy and I knew that telling her what to do might send her in the wrong direction. I thought that if I encouraged her to break up with him, that he was a disgusting excuse for a human being, she would get upset and not be my friend anymore. Maybe that was selfish. As it turns out, despite the support I gave her, she didn’t want to be my friend anyway. Each time she went back to him, I lost her a little bit more.

Looking back, I wonder if she was embarrassed, and that being less of a friend to me was easier than admitting she was probably making a mistake.

She had been a first-hand witness to my previous toxic relationship and seen how it messed me up, and she still managed to make my mistakes. I feel as though I gave her the map, showed her the shortcuts but she took all the wrong turns. I wish I’d been a better friend and not let her stay with him. I wish I’d have pointed out his red flags and reminded her that someone doesn’t accidentally cheat on the person they love, twice.

I know that when you lose a friend to a relationship it’s less about them not making time for you, but more that it feels as though they’ve replaced you, and not entirely on purpose.

When you think you’re in love, your whole world is clouded, and you feel like you’ve found that thing you’ve been craving. As humans, we naturally use our friendships to fill the need of love and acceptance, so when you find your person, I guess it’s natural that your friendships fall by the wayside. Part of what really hurt me was that I was being replaced by someone that wasn’t good enough for her. She’d fallen for the boy that got expelled for egging a teacher – I was watching this sweet-natured introverted girl go out with a boy that threw a basketball at my head not two years before.

This relationship of hers was a couple of years ago now. We eventually became friends again, and all was forgiven and forgotten. People learn from their mistakes…right? Here we are five years later and it’s happening again. She has found someone new and is repeating her old patterns. She cancels on me for him, and she texts him constantly when we finally make plans to get together. We aren’t seventeen anymore, so it’s not as easy to be understanding. It might be time for me to realise it’s not the guy, it’s the friend. Ultimately, I just want her to be happy.

by Violet Payne

PAGE 14

i want your [

]

i want your running into the rain to get the washing i want your here’s a strawberry fresh from the garden i want your laugh bottled i want your hey read this book, it’s my favourite i want your i can’t do this i want your falling asleep on the sofa, on the train, on my shoulder i want your imagine if – i want your imagine if it was endless and the vertigo settled into swaying i want your hand on my chest so you can feel the thump and rumble as my eyes tumble to meet yours

by Laura Kirkwood

PAGE 15

by Enola

the end: Mini mag #002 Cover art by Enola