PITTSBURGH’S ALTERNATIVE FOR NEWS, ARTS + ENTERTAINMENT SINCE 1991
Don't yinz mess up datTOUCHperfectDAHN!
Pittsburgh City Paper is, of course, a paper! We print 52 weeks a year and have no plans to change that. However, you know we also have a website, right? And that we pump out new, online-exclusive content there every day? And that we’re on basically every social media channel and have a bunch of fun e-newsletters, too?
Yes, we are Extremely Online, and to celebrate that, we decided to drag and drop some of our favorite web-only stories from this year over to our analog platform. We hope you enjoy feeling these once exclusively cloud-based stories in your hands, and that, if you don’t already, you’ll make it your New Year’s resolution to follow along with us daily at pghcitypaper.com.
Ali Trachta Editor-in-Chief
THE 13 PEOPLE WHO AIN'T GONNA MAKE IT IN PITTSBURGH
BY: CP STAFF
To know Pittsburgh is to love it, whether you want to or not, because once you enter its magnetic field, it never lets you go. It doesn't matter if you were born here and never left, boomeranged back, or moved here from New Castle or New York, this city will embrace you, but only if you act right, and the same rules apply to all of us. Many will succeed, some will falter. Here are the 13 types of people who might need to work a little harder to earn their yinzer stripes.
PEOPLE WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS A BIG CITY
When I first moved to Pittsburgh from Austin, Texas — at the time, a midsized, one-degree-of-separation type city — I kept asking questions that raised eyebrows. Where’s the 24-hour coffee shop? How do I pick up bins for weekly recycling and compost? (“Go to Home Depot,” a 311 responder told me.) Where can we grab dinner on a Monday? After a few weeks, friends who hailed from even bigger cities took pity on me, quietly pulled me aside, and gave me the Pittsburgh equivalent of Ned Beatty’s Network speech: This is not a big city. Don’t try to make it anything other than what it is.
If Austin had one degree of separation, Pittsburgh had no degrees, and I shouldn’t expect much after 9 p.m. — something true to this day. Of course, once you shed expectations, Pittsburgh is endlessly charming, and punches far above its weight in terms of big-city amenities. Now I’m the converted, preaching: Food! Parks! Five universities, three pro sports teams, a world-class symphony and museums! Embrace the city on its own terms and it will embrace you – even though I’d still love that all-night coffee shop. -Rachel Wilkinson
PEOPLE WHO DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN COMMUNITY WITH DEER
We live in Pittsburgh, my dear, and the deer are here to stay. With milder winters and plenty to eat, there are considerably more of them grazing in our yards than ever. And they’re not afraid to turn your roses, lilies, and hostas into an all-you-can-eat buffet.
See how they look at you through your sliding glass window? Yeah, they don’t care. Are there more deer poops in your yard than you can count? It happens to all of us. And during rut, they might just kamikaze right onto 279 during rush hour. They’ll ruin your Subaru just as fast as they ruined your hydrangeas.
Between 2004 and 2023, the number of deer carcasses picked up by Animal Care and Control spiked from 140 to a stark 575 in just two decades — a 411% increase. And unless Pittsburgh continually expands its archery and sharpshoot programs, that number will keep going up.
My advice? Embrace them. (Not literally because this isn’t Disney; they’re wild animals.) Learn to live with their presence, because they’re not going anywhere. -Stacy Rounds
CP PHOTO: JEFF SCHRECKENGOST
view of Pittsburgh from the Smithfield St. Bridge.
PEOPLE WHO LIKE CHANGE
Once upon a time there was a place called Starlake Amphitheatre. It was purchased and renamed a few times over the years, but no one cared, and everyone still called it Starlake. Now, it’s called Starlake once again because in Pittsburgh, we do not accept change. Apparently Heinz Field is now called something else, but I’ve never heard a single local use the new name. Sheryl Crow once told us “I think a change would do you good.” She was wrong. If you don’t think so, you’re probably not going to fit in very well here. -Ali Trachta
PEOPLE WHO LIKE DRIVING ON A GRID
I remember the exact date Google Maps released turn-by-turn voice commands, because without them, I’d be dead. You take someone who already lacks a sense of direction and drop them onto the Fort Pitt tunnel in their first 48 hours in Pittsburgh — it’s by god’s grace I’m still here.
Driving in the East End, I actually recall thinking, “I’ll just figure it out. Surely the streets are numbered?” (Yes and no!) If you, too, relied on a grid, or any discernible traffic patterns, to drive, you won’t make it in Pittsburgh without cultivating a sense of adventure (or without my other method: taking public transit). Can you drive home using the same route you came? No! If you miss your exit, can you simply get off the highway and turn around on the access road? Not always! It’s a fun game. Maybe you wind up accidentally crossing a bridge and then going on a construction detour! Of course, I’ve acclimated by now, but don’t think that I don’t notice every time I make a right turn — yes, a 90-degree perpendicular turn — to stay on Bigelow Blvd. Take a breath because it’s all part of the adventure. -RW
PEOPLE WHO SAY “SPORTSBALL”
Pittsburgh is a sports town, period. Not only does this city love to celebrate and/or complain about its three major teams, ascendant minor-league teams, and many college programs, but locals’ knowledge of these teams goes deep. If you say “sportsball” or make the mistake of feigning knowledge of sports in a Pittsburgh dive bar, get ready for a ribbing. Don’t wade in with opinions if you aren’t willing to defend them.
One tip: ask the questions you have. You’re as likely to get a great primer on the mechanics of an offensive line as you are a lengthy, nostalgic story about the time your barstool neighbor saw Roberto Clemente at Forbes Field. People have internalized the names and stats of dead Pirates, washed Steelers, and pre-Lemieux Penguins. The city shows up in force for its teams — familiarizing yourself with the Steelers’ home schedule at a minimum can help you avoid sitting in traffic for 45 minutes on a Sunday. -Colin Williams
PEOPLE WHO COME FROM A FLAT CITY
I went to college in Wisconsin — a flat-ass place. In the middle of the university’s flat-ass campus was this one hill, called Bascom Hill, and when I tell you everyone bitched about having to shlep up that thing on the way to class, truly, Pittsburghers, you wouldn’t believe. This thing is a lovely slope. It’s a nice little incline. It’s not Negley Ave. or, heaven forbid, Rialto St., but these cornfieldborn Midwesterners just could not handle it. So, plains people, just be aware that, if you move here, there are Bascoms all over the place, and you’re going to need to engage your glutes when you walk around. That’s just the way it is. -AT
PEOPLE WHO AREN’T DOWN TO CRY AT ARBY’S
Having a good cry at the Arby’s on McKnight Rd. is a time-honored tradition for North Hills residents and for nonresidents braving the construction traffic to shop at Ross Park Mall. If you need a place to pull over, order some curly fries, and let it all out, this is the best place to cry in Pittsburgh.
Why is Arby’s the best place to cry? Why not? Maybe you’re having a rough day, maybe you’re forlorn over your relationship, or maybe your eyes were too big for your stomach and you can’t finish your 5 for $5. From a notorious missed connection to a horror story about a day that they didn’t have the meats, this particular Arby’s is a genuinely unhappy place. It’s no wonder people flock there to let their tears flow like Sprite from a fountain drink machine.
If you’re going to cry in public, it might as well be someplace that’s just a little sad by nature, am I right? -SR
PEOPLE WHO EAT HUNT'S KETCHUP GTFO. -AT
PEOPLE WHO AREN’T HANDY
Pittsburgh’s four seasons are rough on homes and cars. If you’ve never picked up a screwdriver or you resort to buying your friends six-packs to get that IKEA furniture built, get ready for a lot of bills from contractors and mechanics. The culprit in the ’Burgh is almost always water. It finds cracks in our century-old houses, freezes and destroys our roads, and occasionally accumulates in local floods that damage homes and businesses. You can save yourself endless hassles and a good bit of money with even basic handiness. Cleaning your gutters, knowing basic plumbing and wiring, and keeping your tires appropriately filled and your fluids topped off will stave off 90% of those emergencies. It can also help to know your neighbors — lots of longtime residents have untold quantities of tools in their basements and garages and can help you with a quick repair or a brake job if you keep things friendly. -CW
PEOPLE WHO ARE WEIRD ABOUT RUNNING INTO THEIR EXES
If I had a nickel for every time I said “Pittsburgh is so very small”, I’d be hauling barrels full of five-cent pieces to the nearest Coinstar. In this town, no one is a new acquaintance, and most likely, you share a mutual friend or former employer, or, for years, have been passing each other like ships in the night at every bar, supermarket, and music venue within a 10-mile radius. The sentiment especially applies to the city’s dating scene, and if you’re one to hold grudges, your Pittsburgh social life is all but doomed. If you’re not willing to accept that the person who stiffed you on rent before dumping your ass might also be serving you a latte at your local coffee shop, walking their dog in the same parklet, or browsing in the same aisle at Market District, then
you might as well relocate. If you both frequented the same haunt, odds are that, post break-up, they will be there, waiting to ruin your night. If you share mutual friends, they will be at your bestie’s housewarming party with their new squeeze, whether you like it or not.
Yes, it would be wonderful if a break-up meant that the person who presumably wronged you would disappear into another dimension, never to be seen again. But that’s not reality. To survive in Pittsburgh, you can’t let your romantic terrorists win. -Amanda Waltz
PEOPLE WHO CAN’T PARALLEL PARK
I’ve lived and driven in a handful of other major cities and let me tell you, when it comes to parking, Pittsburgh is the Wild West; a lawless land. If there’s a teensy bit of space on the side of the road, and you can fit there, you’re going to, signs and rules be damned. So if you’re going to make it here, you need to be crafty with that steering wheel, especially considering that, half the time, you’re going to be maneuvering on a hill, possibly in the snow, possibly in heels, possibly on the left-hand side of the street, possibly in a beat up old Pontiac. But don’t worry, you got this! You’d better, anyway. -AT
PEOPLE WHO WANT PRIVACY FROM THEIR NEIGHBORS
Neighborliness is a key Pittsburgh trait, but so is nebbiness. If your highest priority is privacy, you might consider moving to the exurbs instead. Within the city itself, rowhouse architecture lends itself to tight-knit communities, but even more suburban Pittsburgh neighborhoods have their share of altruists and busybodies who make it a point to know the folks on their street as well as they can. It’s a double-edged sword: on the one hand, you’ve got a dozen potential pet-sitters; on the other, everyone knows how late you came home last night. Writ large, though, it’s these strong community bonds that make Pittsburgh what it is and give us our distinct Appalachian blend of east coast spice and heartland openness. -CW •
CP PHOTO: JEFF SCHRECKENGOST Creative parking in Dormont
CP PHOTO ILLUSTRATION: JEFF SCHRECKENGOST
THE TERRIBLE TOWEL WIKIPEDIA PAGE IS A MUSTREAD YINZER MASTERPIECE
BY: COLIN WILLIAMS // CWILLIAMS@PGHCITYPAPER.COM
Iused to tell students not to do research on Wikipedia — no longer! The crowdsourced encyclopedia, which has editing policies as robust as Pittsburgh City Paper, is chock full of useful tidbits. Personally, I’ve found it invaluable as a research tool for creative writing and a great way to bank useless tidbits for pub trivia (full disclosure: I donate $3.75 a month to the Wikimedia Foundation). It’s also a less egregious waste of time than social media.
Wikipedia is also the perfect way to get up to speed on topics ranging from history to sports. If you’re a new Pittsburgher or someone who says “sportsball,” you might be familiar with the iconic Terrible Towel but not know this legendary piece of terrycloth’s storied history. Do yourself a favor: before that next family gathering, read the Terrible Towel’s Wikipedia page.
If that’s as far as you got in this article, fine! For those still reading, the Terrible Towel Wikipedia page
does what any good Wikipedia page should do: it’s informative, well-organized, and cites sources.
It's also, objectively, hysterical. Since its creation by Wikipedia user Addaone while “half-asleep” in 2005, dozens of users ranging from NoseNuggets to ItTollsForThee have amended and fine-tuned the article to include anecdotes from all over the globe. Within the first paragraph, we learn that our hometahn tahl has been to both Mt. Everest and outer space. Its lengthiest section relishes
in the ways, small and large, the Towel has led to misfortune for any fool who dared mock it (more on that later.)
The article does a damn good job of breaking down precisely why Steelers commentating legend Myron Cope’s simple “gimmick” has become such an enduring and often hilarious piece of Pittsburgh lore. To wit:
THE TOWEL THAT ALMOST WASN’T:
The Steelers were apparently bearish about the towel at first. Linebacker Jack Ham told Cope, “I think your idea stinks.” Undeterred, Cope basically lied about player opinion to Steelers brass, and the team went ahead with the Terrible Towel giveaway. A victory that day over the Baltimore Colts sealed in the Towel’s good luck, and the Steelers went on to win the Super Bowl. The rest is history.
THE TOWEL’S CURSE:
Steeler opponents who besmirch the Towel have faced terrible retribution on the gridiron. Divisional rivals and playoff opponents alike have tempted fate by abusing the Towel — and seen their hopes of victory vanish in an instant.
Opponents have wiped their asses and armpits on the Towel (Jacksonville), stomped on it (Cleveland, Baltimore, and Tennessee), used it as a doormat (Cincinnati), blown their noses into it (Arizona), and torn it up (Detroit) only to get absolutely stomped by the black and gold. Imitators such as Indiana failed to recapture the Towel's magic and were likewise laid low by the Steelers. Even hockey teams have gambled with ridiculing the Towel and lost.
As Cope said in his book Double Yoi (again, per Wikipedia): “I did not see the Terrible Towel as witchcraft to hex the enemy. It would be a positive force, driving the Steelers to superhuman performance, but if it experienced a yen for mischief and created fatal mistakes by opponents, I would tolerate that.”
THE TOWEL’S ANYTHING-BUTTERRIBLE FUNDRAISING:
In an act of supreme neighborliness, Cope donated the Terrible Towel’s trademark to the Allegheny Valley School, an institution supporting people with intellectual and developmental disabilities, in 1996. The school has since raised millions for people using its services through sales of the Towel and other merch (of which there’s a ton). Terrible? In this case, terrific.
THE TOWEL HAS BROKEN CONTAINMENT:
While it’s still very much a sports item, the Terrible Towel has also become a sort of yinzer birthright, appearing in everything from yinzer vacation photos to poetic odes to local poetry. Pretty much every Pittsburgh or Pittsburgh expat household has one stashed somewhere (I myself have a dedicated drawer with three of them). It’s even become a literal birthright for babies in the region, some of whom start this life swaddled in one.
INTERNATIONAL ICON:
The Terrible Towel has become such a talisman of Steeler success that it’s since appeared everywhere from the Great Wall of China to the International Space Station. It’s also been carried into war, given to national and international leaders, and made numerous TV appearances outside of the NFL season. There’s probably no more immediately recognizable symbol of Pittsburgh.
Regardless of whether you’re reminiscing or learning about the Terrible Towel for the first time, its Wikipedia page makes a simultaneous case for the Towel’s, and Wikipedia’s greatness. It may not have been the first-ever rally towel, but it’s for sure the most iconic. If you live in Pittsburgh long enough, you’ll eventually end up with at least one. And when it comes to gameday, remember: it’s all in the wrist. •
6 weeks for $32
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DUMPING X FOR BLUESKY: A GUIDE FOR PITTSBURGH USERS
BY: STACY ROUNDS // SROUNDS@PGHCITYPAPER.COM
Alittle over a year ago, I was introduced to Bluesky by our news editor, Colin Williams. They received an invite code to join the platform, which we used to get Pittsburgh City Paper’ s account up and running. It was a slow climb at first (to say the least) to accrue a measly 184 followers. And finding accounts worth following was also very difficult — though I did find one or two micro accounts that posted regularly and a handful of big-name accounts that didn’t. That said, it wasn’t very useful for getting our news out to yinz in greater Pittsburgh.
Thankfully, Bluesky has boomed over the past few weeks. We now have around 6,000 followers. There are now plenty of fun Pittsburghers on Bluesky, not to mention some national and international gems. As a person who is Extremely Online for a living, dysfunctional
social platforms become more than a headache. Most of the time, my social media Teflon is impenetrable. Other times, especially post-election, online can feel like a hopeless place.
Because I create social posts for public accounts, it’s important to be able to schedule things out and take breaks away from the inundation of ads, trolls, misinformation, and overall toxic behavior. The worst perpetrator of nauseating social media is, of course, X (formerly Twitter), with its rightwing, tech bro, incelloving, deranged, sexist, racist, linkthrottling algorithm.
For a brief moment, it looked like Threads was going to win the race against Post, Bluesky, Mastodon, and Spoutible to become the best newsfeed option after the initial Elon Musking of Twitter. Starting a Threads account is easy because it links directly to your Instagram page, but its feed is not chronological. It’s
also an algorithm-based feed instead of a following-based feed, much like Facebook, to the chagrin of former Twitter lovers.
Bluesky, thankfully, has taken the win.
It’s the exception to toxic social media. Users can choose what we imbibe, and its feed is an homage to old-school Twitter with no ads, few “influencers,” and no pay-for-play boosted content (yet). It also offers easy verification of public accounts using domains and a DNS code without paid blue checks.
However, no social media platform is perfect. Bluesky certainly has its flaws and glitches, particularly considering their servers have been stretched to the max as they’ve grown to 20 million-plus users in the last few weeks.
The big question is, how can a new user find their favorite Pittsburgharea accounts among the 20 million? Bluesky makes that pretty easy.
Unlike Instagram and Threads, Bluesky embraces using the goodold hashtag, so a person can scour topics, find new accounts to follow, and enjoy interesting threads.
Another method for finding Pittsburgh accounts is by utilizing Bluesky’s “Feeds” tab. Pittsburgh n’at was one of the first feeds City Paper followed, and our Pittsburgh reach grew from there. An additional method is to follow the starter packs created by other users. For instance, Colin created a Pittsburgh Journalists starter pack so you can follow your favorite local scribes with a click.
To get you started, here are five of our favorite local Bluesky accounts. They’re the people we loved following on X, and we’re thrilled that they’re also plugged into a platform where trolls, bots, and misinformed dingdongs can be mass-blocked.
DAVE DICELLO
Who doesn’t love looking at beautiful photos of our city? We’re tickled that our 2024 Legacy Award winner for Best Photographer has ventured over to the happier pastures of Bluesky. Because, frankly, we want to see all the glowing city lights, breathtaking sunrises, and sparkling rivers without a side order of ads for Trump T-shirts, AI software, and thirst traps.
TANISHA LONG
Winner of last year’s People of the Year for Activism, Tanisha Long is a Extremely Online advocate for justice who also skeets out plenty of anti-troll zingers. As an Abolitionist Law Center community organizer, she continues to fight for better conditions for local residents navigating the carceral system. And we love how she calls out John Fetterman for his bizarre hot takes (specifically about genocide). Not to mention her dedication to the Steelers …
JORTS (AND JEAN)
If you’re not familiar with the internet’s favorite labor cats, apparently, Jorts the Cat and their cat coworker, Jean, are locals (this has obviously been discussed in CP’s bullpen). Jorts stood up for a labor rally at the Pittsburgh Starbucks in 2022, not to mention going after Mayor Ed Gainey earlier this year. It doesn't hurt that jorts (as in jean shorts) are staple yinzer apparel. In any case, we’re claiming these famous felines because who doesn’t love the cats of the internet? Jorts and Jean have around 205,000 followers on X and are currently purring over 74,000 followers on their sunnier Bluesky account.
OBNOXIOUSLY PITT GIRL
Dubbed “the hottest, sassiest mental storm that ever busted loose,” this “depraved college football fan,” a massive Pitt enthusiast, is also a Sickos Committee Podcast regular. Who doesn’t love that? Plus, we feel that it’s bonkers cool to have a self-proclaimed feminist representing us in the sports space, calling plays, reposting basketball scores, and calling BS on inferior refs when needed.
PITTSBURGH SCANNER
If the local fuzz has been called in, Pittsburgh Scanner is on it. The account listens to police, fire, and EMS broadcasts in the City of Pittsburgh with their handheld radio scanner, curates a daily selection of calls, and posts them on social media. If there’s a horse swimming in the Ohio River, or if nebby neighbors start a slap-fight, or if a creepo is using a drone to peep into windows, Pittsburgh Scanner will inform us.
Not that our local skeeters aren’t wonderful, but there are a few national Bluesky accounts that make me smile, and these are among the best …
CP PHOTO: MARS JOHNSON Tanisha Long
CP PHOTO: MARS JOHNSON Dave DiCello
JAY (CEO OF BLUESKY)
Unlike following Elon on X with his loathsome political hot takes and AI-generated portraits of himself as futuristic superhero Captain Cringe, Jay (Graber) fills her feed with useful information.
One such nugget is the Bluesky Directory. Here, new users can easily click through popular search terms, or search specific keywords to help them find their people. Another useful thread is 20 fun facts about Bluesky which includes the history of the site, a link to apply for a job with Bluesky, and a link to API docs for developers. She even posted a feed generator starter kit (using Alf as an example). Not to mention all her pretty pictures of flowers and trees.
ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY
Before Bluesky blew up, this was one account City Paper followed that con sistently posted back when the platform was crickets. Each day, this account posts several historical happenings that went down on the same date in history. I understand that is not everyone’s cup of tea, but I love it. A fun fact I learned was that on CP's birthday, November 6, the Walls of Constantinople fell in the year 447 due to a powerful earthquake.
FLAVOR FLAV
The unofficial spokesperson for Bluesky is undoubtedly Flavor Flav. King Swiftie has already had a historic year simply being a wonderful human: spon soring Team USA’s women’s water polo team, helping with discus thrower Veronica Fraley’s rent, performing in this year’s Thundergong — a benefit concert to help uninsured amputees get prosthetic limbs — and being a hype man for feminism. Flav has also created Bluesky starter packs for celebrity accounts, Black Excellence, sports, music, media, and more. Not to mention promoting Bluesky CEO Jay Graber and her Bluesky “billionaire-proof” vision. Oh, and guess who is going to be a torch bearer in the 2028 Olympic Games?
Breaking up with your X account may seem like a tough decision. We are still battling with that over here … whether to stay and watch it burn or break it off completely. On a personal note, I nuked my own account, but it will still appear for 30 days after deactivation.
When we first met Twitter/X, it was this lovely little bird that offered so much: a chronological news feed; a galleria of journalists, educators, political leaders, and celebrities; a humorous respite from everyday life; a gathering of likeminded individuals. But since it was brainwashed by MAGA, it became something ugly. It was no longer safe, but we were stuck in an abusive relationship with it.
There’s no better time than now to end it. Sure, it’s scary wandering into the unknown, untethered from the security of that feed. But it’s not healthy. It’s always hard to see that you’re in a bad relationship with your social media feed until you leave it for good. And here is a step-by-step process for leaving your X behind.
First, it sucks when you go through a breakup and lose a ton of friends in the process. Luckily, when breaking up with X, you can easily keep all your friends by using a little app called Sky Follower Bridge. Simply open the application on your Chrome browser, follow the easy instructions, and port over your followers and following lists one at a time. The whole process took me five minutes to complete.
Then, deactivate your account. Sure, it takes 30 days for it to be permanently deleted, but after that, you’re done with your X forever. Isn’t that freeing?
Finally, tell your X straight up: I’m out. Or, you can simply ghost the X and bow out quietly. But what fun is
CP ILLUSTRATION: JEFF SCHRECKENGOST
PEOPLE OF THE YEAR 2024
SPONSORED BY
Thursday • January 9th • 6 - 9 PM
Greer Cabaret Theater 655 Penn Ave. Pittsburgh, PA
Join us on at the Greer Cabaret Theater for a celebration of 10 extraordinary Pittsburghers who are making our city shine brighter. Their inspiring stories motivate us all to be better neighbors and more engaged community members.
Let’s come together to honor this year’s outstanding individuals in activism, creativity, politics, and beyond.
Purchase Tickets Below: Your ticket includes:
An open bar of Bacardi products
A delicious spread of food, catered by Culinare
The evening will feature a special ceremony to celebrate our People of the Year, hosted by Kiki from WAMO!
Holiday TOUCHDAHN!
A STILLERS LOVE STORY, N'AT
WHAT IF PITTSBURGH HAD ITS OWN HALLMARK HOLIDAY MOVIE?
BY: KATE OCZYPOK // INFO@PGHCITYPAPER.COM
Earlier this year, Hallmark announced its new holiday movie lineup. On the list was Holiday Touchdown: A Chiefs Love Story, about, you guessed it, the Kansas City Chiefs. The movie’s plot involves a woman named Alana whose family is sure to win the Chiefs’ annual “Fan of the Year” contest, and a man named Derrick, the director of fan engagement for the Chiefs, and ultimate decision maker. While we can’t blame Hallmark for jumping on the meteoric rise of the Chiefs’ cachet, which may or may not have something to do with the real-life romance between superstar Taylor Swift and Chiefs’ tight end Travis Kelce, we think Pittsburgh can do way better when it comes to a Hallmark holiday movie.
Here is our take on Pittsburgh’s version of a Hallmark holiday movie, given the Steelers play the Chiefs on Christmas this year:
Let’s start with the title. Playing off the Chiefs version, ours would, of course, be called Touchdahn! A Stillers Love Story N’at. The main characters’ names would not be trendy nonsense like Alana and Derrick. They would be solid Pittsburgh names, ones that were popular in the ’80s, like Tammy, or family names passed down through generations, like Anthony (Tony for short).
Tammy, a local Eat’n Park waitress, is gifted early Steelers tickets for the Christmas Day game versus the Browns (in our version, the opponent is our most historic rival) by her grandfather, who has had season tickets since the ’70s. Tammy is planning to take her boyfriend, Preston,
Preston, who is from Cleveland, and a Browns fan, moved to Pittsburgh last year to work a corporate job for PPG.
Since Hallmark movies are full of the obvious, it’s clear that Tammy and Preston are not a good match. Instead, Tony, Tammy’s neighbor on her block “dahn the South side” is clearly meant for her. The two have known each other since their elementary school days and even went to Brashear High School together. Tony is a city employee, working in trash removal and plowing the streets when it snows. Tammy and Tony’s families have known each other for decades and often spend the holidays together.
The movie follows Preston and Tammy as they get ready for the holiday season, driving “aht” to Hozak Farms to get a Christmas tree, drinking at a Christmas-themed pop-up
mass on Christmas Eve after Tony’s grandmother’s Feast of the Seven Fishes. Viewers clearly see Preston is a jerk, as he treats the Christmas tree farm employees terribly, wrinkles his nose in disgust at the seafood-heavy Christmas Eve meal, and drinks too much at the Christmas pop-up bar.
Fast forward to Christmas Day and the big game. In the chaos of entering Heinz Field (yinzers would never stand for it being called Acrisure Stadium in the movie), Tammy loses her lucky Terrible Towel. It was her late grandmother’s, and one of the originals that are darker gold instead of the brighter yellow color. She is distraught, but tries to put on a happy face because it’s Christmas, after all!
Preston, being the jag he is, gets drunk at the game and gets into a fight with a Steelers fan who says a snide comment about his Myles
Garrett jersey. He gets thrown out by security, leaving Tammy alone. She sits, defeated, watching the Steelers and Browns in a nail biter of a game, wondering where her Terrible Towel is.
Her phone vibrates and she fishes it out of her pocket, seeing it’s a photo from Tony. Her screen lights up with a picture of her towel, dirty and wet from the freshly fallen snow. The text reads: “Drop something?” with a smiley face. Tammy looks up and sees Tony, who had bought a ticket to the game and didn’t tell her. The two kiss as Chris Boswell kicks a field goal in the last two seconds of the game, winning it for the Steelers.
“What about Preston?” Tony asks. Tammy shakes her head and replies, “It would have never worked. He was from Cleveland after all!”
Sidebar:
Where Taylor and Travis should go for the quintessential Pittsburgh holiday weekend
With Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce and 14-time Grammy winner and music superstar Taylor Swift both in town (possibly) for a 1 p.m. game against the Steelers on Christmas Day, we put together a list of places for them to visit for a classic Pittsburgh holiday weekend.
1. Ride the incline and take photos at the Grandview Overlook
If we’re lucky enough to have a white Christmas, a snowy view from atop Mt. Washington would be the perfect backdrop for their red Chiefs outfits.
2. Visit Pittsburgh’s official Christmas tree at the City-County Building for more photos
Swifties were buzzing last spring when photos came out of Kelce and Swift visiting Singapore’s famed “Gardens by the Bay” while Swift was in the country for the Eras Tour. The couple could recreate that romantic date at our very own 40-foot blue spruce, decorated with 90 ornaments representing Pittsburgh’s neighborhoods.
3.
Take
in Kennywood’s Holiday Lights
While the attraction isn’t open on Christmas Day, if Swift and Kelce stay overnight to Dec. 26, they can stop by Kennywood’s holiday spectacular, with over three million lights, dozens of Christmas-y characters, and rides like the Racer and carousel, all decorated for the season.
Have a fancy dinner at the LeMont
Judging from paparazzi photos, if there’s one date night the famous couple loves, it’s fancy dinners out. The traditional restaurant with breathtaking views of the city serves dishes like steaks, pastas, and vegetarian items. If they want to get super romantic, the LeMont serves two dishes prepared tableside — one being the “chateaubriand for two,” which includes 24 oz. center cut roasted beef tenderloin, finished with Bordelaise, fresh potatoes, and vegetables du jour.
Close Phipps Conservatory for an evening
When you’re Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce, you can close entire businesses just for your private date night. This year’s Phipps Holiday Magic flower show theme is “Enchantment,” which fits perfectly with the song “Enchanted,” from Swift’s Speak Now (Taylor’s album. •
A LOVE LETTER TO THE NORTH SIDE "DIRTY BIRD," AMERICA'S BEST WORST GROCERY STORE
BY: KYLE MURPHY // INFO@PGHCITYPAPER.COM
On Jan. 12, Neal Taparia, millionaire co-founder of EasyBib, released a blog post condemning one of Pittsburgh’s fine grocery establishments as the worst in the country. As a North Sider and cardcarrying member of Giant Eagle’s Advantage program, when I heard the news, my face got red, and I got to typing.
The intentions and integrity of Taparia’s article are questionable. It's the only post on a site that's otherwise dedicated to online card gaming.
Within a month, the post was picked up by Townsquare Media, a company that owns 354 radio stations and over 400 websites. At the time of writing, Townsquare had repackaged this dubious article on KPEL 96.5, ESPN 97.3, KBEA-FM, WKDQ 99.5, PST 94.5,
The Point 99.9, NJ 101.5. These are Top 40 hit stations distributed across the country publishing essentially the same lackluster “news.”
The article, and the public appetite for it, is emblematic of the way modern humans consume information. If you want clicks, engagement, and, ultimately, that sweet, sweet ad revenue, you’re going to need to bend the truth. Out of 63,000+
grocery stores in the U.S., the web king of Solitaire scraped Google Maps reviews from 3,000 stores. Taparia took the first 30 search results from 100 U.S. cities, noted the star ranking and number of reviewers, and filtered out any stores with fewer than 1,000 reviews each.
This sounds pretty legit, but quantitative data is useful only if you can meaningfully interpret the measurements.
CP PHOTO: MARS JOHNSON
A Giant Eagle sign with high-rise windows in the background
Locations were picked based on the first 30 search results in each city. That list comes from Google, which designs its products to provide users the most relevant information. By doing this, Taparia introduced a bias towards popularity. The data is biased further by the fact that he eliminated stores with fewer than 1,000 reviews. The worst grocery store in the country isn’t going to make the results list of the first 30 stores, and it isn’t going to have 1,000 reviews. This means what Taparia actually measured was the worst ranked store out of high traffic stores as reported by Google Maps reviewers.
Looking at a small number of high-traffic grocery stores is not a representative sample, but it still means something. To me, this statistic says more about the class tension among communities at odds than it does about the store itself.
My default store, the North Side Giant Eagle or the "Dirty Bird" on Cedar Ave., is a unique store. It serves a diverse population and has no local competition. Downtown, Allegheny General Hospital staff and visitors, Deutschtown, the Mexican War Streets, and the stadiums on game days all rely on this store.
Here’s my completely unsubstantiated claim (every good opinion article needs one): this is one of the most diverse and highest-traffic grocery stores in the region, and it appears on Taparia’s list because of gentrification and good old-fashioned racism. That, and Pittsburghers love to complain.
The strife between the disparate populations in this area of the city is not news. Just up the street, the Allegheny Center Alliance Church raised $200,000 and used the money to buy and shut down Rebels, a “nuisance bar” in the area. Several shootings have occurred in recent years only blocks away from the fancy new restaurants popping up on East Ohio
St. (which all have glowing reviews, I might add).
One of the closest neighbors to the Dirty Bird is the Pressley St. High Rise. Pressley St. is dedicated housing for seniors and people with disabilities. The Allegheny Commons apartments are just across the street, with a reputation for drug activity and police presence. Meanwhile, blocks away, a two-bedroom house is listed on Zillow for half a million dollars. It begs the question: who are the people complaining about this Giant Eagle being “dirty and unsafe?”
Rather than qualities like cleanliness, prices, average time waiting in line, this is what Google reviews measure: middle class unease.
For the privileged among us, North Side’s Dirty Bird is an inconvenience, a blemish in a neighborhood on the rise. But for many, this store is a third space, possibly one of the only places they go outside of work or home. Familial greetings happen at the entrance every single day, and I dodge them with a glare in my haste to get Brussels sprouts.
It’s a regular Tuesday afternoon, and the line for checkout is backed up into the aisle again. I honestly can’t tell you the last time I saw it any shorter. A couple kids are arguing over their choice of snack. (“You hear me? I said one snack only.”) A suit checks his daily steps. An intoxicated man argues with an employee over the total due. The employee sighs. A nurse cracks open an energy drink in line. I yawn and shift my weight, taking it all in.
This place objectively kind of sucks. But I love it. The North Side’s Dirty Bird is Pittsburgh’s best worst grocery store, the best worst grocery store in the country, the store we love to hate. For better or worse, it contains all of us.
Of the ways one can divide us, there are many, but we all need to eat. •
6:30 p.m. Continues through Tue., Dec. 31. St. Nicholas Croatian Catholic Church. 24 Maryland Ave., Millvale. $18-20. vankamurals.org
GAMES • SOUTH SIDE
Post Christmas Bowl-A-Rama. 7 p.m. Victory Pointe Arcade. 1113-1115 E. Carson St., South Side. Free. Token prices apply. facebook.com/victorypointe/events
FRI., DEC. 27
MUSIC • POINT BREEZE
Devilish Merry 6:30 p.m. The Breezeway Home. 7113 Reynolds St., Point Breeze. $20. BYOB. thebreezewayhome.com
MUSIC • LAWRENCEVILLE
Listen up, otakus! Spirit has an event just for you. Anime Night: The Rinne Festival, a touring event described as “the median between concert and convention,” offers a seven-piece band playing live covers of music from Naruto, Dragon Ball Z, Death Note, and other series from the genre. There will also be a vendor market, cosplay competition, DJ dance party, and more. Don’t be a baka and miss this big fan celebration. 7 p.m. Doors at 6 p.m. 242 51st St., Lawrenceville. Tickets start at $9. 21 and over. spiritpgh.com
The New Olds Video Fest 7 p.m. The Glitterbox Theater. 210 W. Eighth Ave., Homestead. $10. theglitterboxtheater.com
MUSIC • STRIP DISTRICT
Ben Opie and OPEK. 8 p.m. Doors at 7 p.m. Kingfly Spirits. 2613 Smallman St., Strip District. $40-120. kingflyspirits.com
SAT., DEC. 28
PARTY • HOMEWOOD
Kwanzaa Celebration 3-9 p.m. Community Empowerment Association. 7120 Kelly St., Homewood. Free. ceapittsburgh.org
MUSIC • STRIP DISTRICT
The SamJAMwich and Friends Holiday Spectacular. 7 p.m. Doors at 6 p.m. The Original Pittsburgh Winery. 2809 Penn Ave., Strip District. $15 in advance, $20 at the door. pittsburghwinery.com
WRESTLING • MILLVALE
The heat is on at Mr. Smalls Theatre when Enjoy Wrestling presents Get Warmer. The match will see the return of Max the Impaler challenging Sonny Kiss for the Enjoy championship title. The event will also feature Tony Deppen, MV Young, Holidead, Darius Carter, and others. Be there when Enjoy closes out 2024 with a bang. 7 p.m. Doors at 6 p.m. 400 Lincoln Ave., Millvale. $30 in advance, $35 at the door. mrsmalls.com
PARTY • STRIP DISTRICT
Gut Yontif: A Patchwork Holiday Experience 7 p.m. Heinz History Center. 1212 Smallman St., Strip District. $5, free for members. Registration required. heinzhistorycenter.org
MUSIC • NORTH SIDE
Mark Buffalo, Dizzier, and Beach Boise, ID. 8 p.m. The Government Center. 715 East St., North Side. $5. thegovernmentcenter.com
PARTY • BLOOMFIELD
Longturn presents Break Room with Good Sweat 9:45 p.m. Cobra. 4305 Main St., Bloomfield. $11.25-126. 21 and over. cobrapgh.com
SUN., DEC. 29
MUSIC • SOUTH SIDE
Beauty Slap with Big Blitz. 7 p.m. Doors at 6 p.m. Club Cafe. 56-58 South 12th St., South Side. $15. ticketweb.com
FILM • DOWNTOWN
Steel City Horror Show. 7:30 p.m. Harris Theater. 809 Liberty Ave., Downtown. $15. trustarts.org
COMEDY • MUNHALL
Brian Regan 8 p.m. Doors at 7 p.m. Carnegie of Homestead Music Hall. 510 E. 10th Ave., Munhall. $45-69.50. librarymusichall.com
PHOTO: COURTESY OF HARLEM GLOBETROTTERS
Harlem Globetrotters at PPG Paints Arena
chabadsh.com/chanukah-2024
DRAG • STRIP DISTRICT
Fort Pitt Bears presents Debbie Drags in the New Year City Winery. 1627 Smallman St., Strip District. $25-30. citywinery.com
TUE., DEC. 31
PARTY • DOWNTOWN
Ring in the New Year with live music, dance, comedy, and more when the Cultural Trust Night. The annual New Year’s Eve party bubbles with free, family-friendly events across the Downtown Experience drag by Kierra Darshell, circus arts by the Zuzu African Acrobats, or illusions by magician Luis Carreon. There will also be a parade, sing-off competition, performance by local rap act FRZY, and fireworks show, culminating in the big countdown and rise of the Future of Pittsburgh Ball. Multiple locations, Downtown. Free. All ages. firstnightpgh.trustarts.org
WED., JAN. 1 TUE., DEC. 31
rowhousecinemas.com
PHOTO: COURTESY OF PITTSBURGH CULTURAL TRUST Highmark First Night in Downtown Pittsburgh
PHOTO: COURTESY OF RIALTO PICTURES
Alfred Hitchcock’s Blackmail, part of Public Domain Day 2025 at Row House Cinema
MARKET PLACE
FINANCIAL
SAVE BIG on HOME INSURANCE!
Compare 20 A-rated insurances companies. Get a quote within minutes. Average savings of $444/year! Call 844712-6153! (M-F 8am-8pm Central) (AAN CAN)
NAME CHANGE
IN The Court of Common Pleas of Allegheny County, Pennsylvania: No. GD-24-011977
In petition of Margot Byam Lamanna for change of name to Margot Novak Lamanna.
To all persons interested: Notice is hereby given that an order of said Court authorized the filing of said petition and fixed the 15th day of January 2025, at 9:30 a.m., as the time and the Motions Room, City-County Building, Pittsburgh, PA, as the place for a hearing, when and where all persons may show cause, if any they have, why said name should not be changed as prayed for.
PUBLIC AUCTION
Extra Space Storage, on behalf of itself or its affiliates Life Storage or Storage Express, will hold a Public Auction to sell the contents of leased Spaces to satisfy Extras Space’s lien at the location indicated: 902 Brinton Road, Pittsburgh, PA 15221 on Wednesday January 8, 2025 at 11:30am. 1039 Fia Payne, 1178 Derick Johnson, 1192 Jasmine Lewis, 2199A Dominique Chrisler, 2230 Jaylynn Tarpley and 3254 Susan Pollick. The auction will be listed and advertised on www.storagetreasures.com purchases must be made with cash only and paid at the above referenced facility in order to complete the transaction. Extra Space Storage may refuse any bid and may rescind any purchase up until the winning bidder takes possession of the property.
FINANCIAL
SAVE YOUR HOME! Are you behind paying your MORTGAGE? Denied a Loan Modification? Is the bank threatening foreclosure? CALL Homeowners Relief Line NOW for Help 1-855-4395853 Mon-Fri : 8:00 am to 8:00 pm Sat: 8:00 am to 1:00 pm(all times Pacific) (AAN CAN)
LEGAL
Need Help with Family Law? Can’t Afford a $5000 Retainer? Low Cost Legal Services- Pay As You Go- As low as $750-$1500Get Legal Help Now! Call 1-844-821-8249 Mon-Fri 7am to 4pm PCT (AAN CAN) https://www.familycourtdirect. com/?network=1
PUBLIC NOTICE
APARTMENTS FOR RENT IN PITTSBURGH For more information on the available properties and locations, please contact us at 412-626-6111.
ADULTS ONLY
Looking to hire a qualified employee? Call 412.685.9009 ‘Non-sexual fetish’ Lady Veronica 412-689-9366
STUDY SMOKERS WANTED
The University of Pittsburgh’s Alcohol & Smoking Research Lab is looking for people to participate in a research project. You must:
• Currently smoke cigarettes
• Be 18-49 years old, in good health, and speak fluent English
• Be right handed, willing to not smoke before two sessions, and to fill out questionnaires
Earn up to $260 for participating in this study.
For more information, call (412) 407-5029
OFFICIAL ADVERTISEMENT
THE BOARD OF PUBLIC EDUCATION of the SCHOOL DISTRICT OF PITTSBURGH ADVERTISEMENT FOR BIDS
Sealed proposals shall be deposited at the Administration Building, Bellefield Entrance Lobby, 341 South Bellefield Avenue, Pittsburgh, Pa., 15213, on January 21, 2025, until 2:00 P.M., local prevailing time for:
PITTSBURGH PUBLIC SCHOOLS
– VARIOUS LOCATIONS
• Door Entry Systems Replacement
• Electrical Prime
PITTSBURGH BRASHEAR HIGH SCHOOL AND CARRICK HIGH SCHOOL
• Gym and Pool Lighting Replacement
• Electrical Prime
Project Manual and Drawings will be available for purchase on Friday December 20, 2024, at Modern Reproductions (412-488-7700), 127 McKean Street, Pittsburgh, Pa., 15219 between 9:00 A.M. and 4:00 P.M. The cost of the Project Manual Documents is non-refundable. Project details and dates are described in each project manual.
We
OFFICIAL ADVERTISEMENT
THE BOARD OF PUBLIC EDUCATION of the SCHOOL DISTRICT OF PITTSBURGH ADVERTISEMENT FOR BIDS
Sealed proposals shall be deposited at the Administration Building, Bellefield Entrance Lobby, 341 South Bellefield Avenue, Pittsburgh, Pa., 15213, on Tuesday, January 21, 2025, until 2:00 P.M., local prevailing time for:
PITTSBURGH CARMALT PREK-8
• Ground Floor Piping Modifications
• Mechanical Primes
PITTSBURGH VARIOUS LOCATIONS
• Replace Pool Filtration System
• Plumbing and Electrical Primes
PITTSBURGH BRASHEAR HIGH SCHOOL
• Chiller Plant Renovations
• Mechanical, Electrical, and Abatement Primes
Project Manual and Drawings will be available for purchase on Monday, December 09, 2024, at Modern Reproductions (412-488-7700), 127 McKean Street, Pittsburgh, Pa., 15219 between 9:00 A.M. and 4:00 P.M. The cost of the Project Manual Documents is non-refundable. Project details and dates are described in each project manual.
We are an equal rights and opportunity school district.
BOXING DAY
ACROSS
1. Nibble slightly
5. “Can you effin’ believe THIS?,” initially
8. Think up
14. Part of a Peloton
15. Thai restaurant beverage
16. Tender things
17. Old comic inspired by boxer Muhammad?
19. Hindu teachings
20. DEA incursions
22. Director Gerwig
23. Fruit for boxer Rocky?
27. Just say no
28. Didn’t stick around
29. “___ yer old man!”
30. “C’mon, get real”
31. High-altitude cloud
34. “Is there a problem?,” to boxer Jake?
40. Follow right behind
41. Coverage in a hospital
42. Schedule master: Abbr.
45. Be shy
46. Nerded (out)
48. Consider sound advice, like
boxer Sonny?
52. Strong suit
53. Jabs at the drugstore
54. Treeless tract
56. Neckwear for boxer Riddick?
61. Furious with 62. Number line?
63. Computer language that shares its name with a drink
64. Makes a few changes
65. “So near and ___ so far”
66. Go ballistic
DOWN
1. ___ Cup (annual November/ December competition)
2. Salad topping
3. Glide downhill
4. Sarcastic comment
5. Narrow passage
6. Videos on X, e.g.
7. “Emperor’s Hymn” composer
8. Contacts via Slack
9. Pastry with a hole
10. ___ nous (in confidence)
11. Show runners
12. Italian playhouse
13. College application parts
18. Hail Mary’s paths 21. Great sadness 23. Trucker’s cap material
24. Three oceans touch it
25. Breaks in relations
26. Golf-course rental
27. Like steak tartare
31. Officers-to-be
32. “Just sayin’,” online
33. Wise guys
35. Do exactly what’s expected at
36. Barbecue spot
37. The Memory Police author Ogawa
38. Clive of Children of Men
39. And, in Alsdorf
42. Top-level
43. Race starter
44. State positively
46. Jump in the pool
47. Offer hints
49. Canvas construction
50. “Here we go again!”
51. Arledge who created Monday Night Football
55. Extras in a Star Wars bar scene, briefly
57. Whole Foods rival, to fans
58. Crime writer Rankin
59. “Which Witch?” author Ibbotson
60. Easy mark
LAST WEEK’S ANSWERS
Many Americans are fortunate to have dental coverage for their entire working life, through employer-provided benefits. When those benefits end with retirement, paying dental bills out-of-pocket can come as a shock, leading people to put off or even go without care.
Simply put — without dental insurance, there may be an important gap in your healthcare coverage.
When you’re comparing plans ...
Look for coverage that helps pay for major services. Some plans may limit the number of procedures — or pay for preventive care only.
Look for coverage with no deductibles. Some plans may require you to pay hundreds out of pocket before benefits are paid.
Shop for coverage with no annual maximum on cash benefits. Some plans have annual maximums of $1,000.
Medicare doesn’t pay for dental care.1
That’s right. As good as Medicare is, it was never meant to cover everything. That means if you want protection, you need to purchase individual insurance.
Early detection can prevent small problems from becoming expensive ones.
The best way to prevent large dental bills is preventive care. The American Dental Association recommends checkups twice a year.
Previous dental work can wear out.
Even if you’ve had quality dental work in the past, you shouldn’t take your dental health for granted. In fact, your odds of having a dental problem only go up as you age.2
Treatment is expensive — especially the services people over 50 often need.
Consider these national average costs of treatment ... $222 for a checkup ... $190 for a filling ... $1,213 for a crown.3 Unexpected bills like this can be a real burden, especially if you’re on a fixed income.
