Whining about airports Yes, getting paid loads of cash to play clubs around the world will involve waiting in the odd business class lounge. Poor you. Perhaps you should try coming down for 36 hours in the baking hot Ibiza departure lounge because Spanish baggage handlers want more paella.
10
‘I love you’ hand symbols Clapping, fist pumping, even the full-on ‘trance crucifixion’: we can handle a lot of dodgy DJ moves, but the only real purpose for the horifically cheesy ‘I love you’ heart hand sign is as a handy vomit receptacle. What next, a free My Little Pony for everyone?
8
Stealing all the hot girls… …and taking all the average girls, too. And more worryingly, stealing all the girls who are usually quite rational, but who’ve suddenly gone absolutely mental about some bloke just because he’s got headphones on. Put him down, love, you don’t know where he’s been.
6
repeating the same tracks Yes, we get it, you’ve got a copy of ‘Coma Cat’. The last guy on had a copy too. And the warm-up guy. And the cloakroom attendant. Even my dad had it on as he gave me a lift to the club. Meanwhile, the crowd are comatose. The herd instinct is strong in this one.
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12 each month we bring you a different dance music dozen
Not playing their big remix Wait for it, wait for it, wait for it… it’s coming. It’s got to be the next one. This is it! Wait for it! Oh, the gig’s finished. Rubbish. Maybe it does get boring playing a version of your big tune at every show, but as Maxi Jazz once put it: “Sick of ‘Insomnia’? Of course not. Paid for my house.”
9
Bad looping etiquette This includes: 1) Playing a sample or loop from a really big tune over and over to tease everyone, but then NOT ACTUALLY PLAYING THE TRACK. 2) Making us dance like monkeys to their loop while they go and take a shit. Haven’t they got a copy of The Bucketheads for that?
7
Selling out… …and making you hate them. Not so much for shunning credibility and making pop shite, but because they make so much money from selling out that you kind of understand why they’ve done it. Meaning the fact that you hate them makes you a hypocrite as well. Aaaaargh!
5
Packing the booth Is there any need to bring a bunch of trendy liggers to stare out at the crowd from the DJ booth like we’re some peasant zoo? We hope someone drops that Champagne on your laptop. Hang on, is that Mixmag’s Editor-at-large Ralph hidden at the back? Oh dear…
1 and the winner is… Being too fucked to play
When a DJ is young, hungry and in their prime, caning it for three straight days comes naturally. But after a few years in the game, unless they have the titanium constitution (and possible immortality) of Sven Väth, something called ‘professionalism’ is required. Is there anything more annoying than your favourite DJ tripping into the booth, sneezing white stuff everywhere, snogging the nearest living animal and then immediately taking the needle off the wrong record before calling you all a bunch of ungrateful scum and passing out? Refund. No we didn’t say rewind. Oh piss off.
4
No shows Missed your flight, you say? Really ill? Dog ate your record bag? Is that why instead of playing the gig in Leicester/Aberdeen/Swansea that you were booked for months ago you’re headlining a casino in Dubai for 50 times as much money? Or are you just a greedy bastard?
3
Fading out for a sing-along Hearing a phenomenal record reach its chorus is what dance music is all about... until the berk behind the decks slams over the crossfader to leave the sound of 20 people hoarsely screaming the wrong words, or worse still, complete and utter silence.
2
Dodgy mic skills Why do so many DJs feel the need to get on the mic and whine for everyone to throw their hands in the air? Even worse, why tell us the 15 grand you’ve pocketed for the gig means nothing because “It’s all about the love”? It isn’t so touching when we’ve paid €80 to get in.
november 2010 [[1R]]
words phil dudman, duncan dick
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