Infertility

BY Jessica Musetti

My entire life I knew I wanted to be a mom, and after all, isn’t that my God-designed role?

I knew I would be an excellent Christian mom, too—one who took her babies to Sunday School, read the Bible and talked about Jesus with them, involved them in church youth competitions, cuddled them every day, and nurtured them to adulthood where they would then duplicate the process. I was sure of my destiny.

When I got married, we were a little older, so Mark and I didn’t want to wait very long to have children. After trying a couple of years, it became apparent that something wasn’t allowing us to get pregnant. After several different treatments, we tried fertility medication. I started that medication in May, and by August the drug had caused an ovarian cyst. Because of the growth of the cyst, surgery was scheduled for January. I remember the conversations with the doctor as if they were yesterday. The phrase that is still sharp in my mind is, “We will try to save your ovary and fallopian tube.” Waking up in recovery, I asked the inevitable question. Knowing my fate, the recovery nurse looked at me with pity. “I’m sorry, sweetie, they had to take the ovary and tube.” Tears started flowing, yet this was not the worst part. A week later I went for a follow-up appointment with my doctor. As I nervously waited, I could hear the conversation in the next room. The doctor informed the couple they were having twins. With pure despair this mother exclaimed, “Twins! We can’t have twins! We already have two at home! Why is this happening??!!” How dare she react in this way to blessing? My news was upsetting also: the doctor told me I was healing nicely but I would likely never conceive. As the years passed and my issues with ovarian cysts and Endometriosis worsened, my bitterness and anger with

God and His people increased. You see, the church should be a refuge for us, but in this situation, the church failed me—God’s people’s words nearly destroyed me.

Infertility is an ugly and broken journey, and I want people to realize that. Believers need to come alongside brothers and sisters in Christ who are traveling this devastating journey and refrain from offering advice on something they don’t understand.

Set aside expectations regarding how quickly a couple should bounce back from an infertility diagnosis. Infertility is deep loss and needs to be grieved. I still grieve over the children I will never have.

Don’t assume that just because God is all powerful, He will provide a child. Many times, our church family said to us, “You will be next. Our God is able.” This is not a helpful or encouraging statement. Psalms 91:2 talks about trust, “I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.” Trust in God must be present whether He gives you a child or not. A better response is, “I’m sorry you’re hurting. I love you, and I’m praying for you.”

As Christians, we must remember if it takes a little longer to conceive, we are not dealing with infertility. One of the most hurtful statements we heard was, “I know exactly what you’re going through; it took us two years to get pregnant.” Sometimes in our haste to comfort, we injure. There are days I fight Satan not to allow anger and bitterness to creep into my heart. On these days I find strength and comfort in this verse, “Cause me to hear thy lovingkindness in the morning; for in thee do I trust: cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto thee (Psalms 143:8). Believers also need to understand that adoption is not for everyone. Someone who has prayed for a biological child their entire life may not be in a place to hear, “Why don’t you just adopt?” In these moments, be an encouragement to your friend or loved one. I often felt I was condemned for not having children of my own, and was judged for not being in a place to adopt. This Scripture passage encouraged me, “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid” (John 14:27). For many years I worked in children’s ministry and taught Sunday School, and often heard, “You are a second mom to so many others; God has a reason.” Please know—I get it. My friends were speaking out of love. But remember, we sometimes need to comfort without our words. One of my favorite verses says,

“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28)

I am in a better place now. God has dealt with my bitterness and has provided for me. I have two beautiful nieces and a nephew whom I love more than words can express. God has also allowed us to be an integral part of the lives of several surrogate nieces and nephews. Yet there are still days I feel like a complete failure as a Christian, wife, child, sister, aunt, and church-family member, because I will never have the ability to give a child back to God or my family. These emotions are painful.

Infertility has so much brokenness in it. If you are walking this journey, you are loved by me. Psalm 139:14 has been a constant help to me, “I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.” If you know of a friend or loved one traveling this awful, broken road, be conscious of your words to them as you come alongside them with your presence and your love.

Mark and Jessica Mussetti live in Columbus, Ohio, and have been married for 16 years. They have one fur baby, a cat named Aries. They worship at Heritage Free Will Baptist and love serving the Lord together loving and mentoring youth.

If you know of a friend or loved one traveling this awful, broken road, be conscious of your words to them as you come alongside them with your presence and your love.