Life Under Pines

PL

Is It OK to Scream?

By Sundi McLaughlin

Is everyone else feeling burned out, tired and irritable? Surely it can’t be just me. I think I need a vacation—bad. How about you? I can’t be alone in this desperate need to get away from … I am not quite sure what. Before you say anything, yes, I know things could be worse; and, yes, I know I should be thankful for what I have. I absolutely am. I also know after being out of work for 11 weeks following back surgery, I should not need more time away from work, but in fact I think I do. I’m having an increasingly strong inclination to run out of my shop, hop into the car, drive to the ocean, run screaming into the surf, and swim until I reach an island devoid of humans and make best friends with an abandoned volleyball called Wilson. How does that sound for everyone? Still with me?

After being employed at some less-than-enjoyable jobs (read miserable), I am now lucky enough to really love what I do. I love the creativity involved, the conversations with customers, laughing with my coworkers, and finding things to sell which bring me and my custys joy. Is it stressful? Yes. Am I concerned I don’t know what I am doing 50 percent of the time? Also yes. Constantly worried about finances? That’s me. Plagued with doubt? In spades.

At night, do I run through conversations from earlier in the day and worry I said something I shouldn’t have said? Does a rooster crow at dawn?

Despite the uncertainty and my incompetence, I still find joy and appreciation for my job. I have noticed, however, an irritability over the inconsequential. I may have mildly kicked a chair upon discovering my laptop power cord I thought was plugged in wasn’t, thus allowing my computer to die mid-email. The fact was exacerbated because it took all of my efforts to get down on the ground and plug the dagum thing in since my back surgery has left me a miserable old cripple.

Other things that are currently grinding my gears: 1. The fact that, ever since COVID, popcorn now tastes like flowers to me is eye-twitchingly infuriating. By the

way, I went to see Top Gun: Maverick in 4DX not realizing 4DX meant the seats move, air blows in your face and water spits at you from the back of the seat in front of you. The seat moved so violently I was concerned I was going to slip another disc. I felt like I was riding a bronco for 2 1/2 hours (without a sports bra, mind you), all the while reminding myself to engage my core (like my physical therapist has instructed) whilst my foul tasting rose-flavored popcorn shook out of the bucket, onto my lap, and then the floor. The only redemption from my experience was after the film ended our group began discussing the virtues of 4DX, the shaking seats, the wind, and my new best friend Phil said he looked over at one point to see my big hair blowing everywhere and how it reminded him of an ’80s music video. (I’m thinking Tawny Kitaen à la Whitesnake’s Here I Go Again, although now that I am thinking about it, he was probably imagining more of a Twisted Sister situation.) Either way, I am taking it as a compliment.

2. In other irritability news, a lovely out-of-town couple (big-city folk) were perusing the shop over the weekend and chatting politely with each other in our kids book section when I heard her exclaim, “That is terrible!” I looked over to see what could have offended (to be

Maybe I should start a GoFundMe for the lot of us to go on a week-long holiday. (Obviously not together. You would not want to spend your welldeserved time off with the likes of me.)

honest, it could have been any number of things, but not usually in the children’s section) only to see the man holding a children’s shadow book. I couldn’t imagine what would be terrible about a child’s book, so I proceeded to explain/defend how the book projected shadows on the wall and has been a best seller for years. The customers smiled politely but with an air of confusion. Nodding politely they went on their way. I turned to my coworker Susan (the nicest person on the planet) and asked, “What’s their problem?!” She shook her head and began to laugh and explained how the woman was reading the title of the book right beside the shadow book called Teddy the Terrible. I gasped at my idiocy. Here I thought the woman was shouting, “This is terrible” at some innocent book, but in actuality she was benignly reading the title of a book I love, order and have sold for years. My horror turned to laughter, and I proceeded to laugh uncontrollably and excused myself from the public for the rest of the day.

3. I get cranky when it rains, or is too hot, or humid, or too cold. I like a delicate sun with a mild to medium breeze. Is that too much to ask?

4. Last but not least, I get very upset when any little thing goes wrong, or doesn’t get accomplished or gets done but incorrectly and all of this is 100 percent my fault. No one to blame, I just have to sit in my own wrongness and stew.

Can any of you relate or is it just me who is acting like an overly tired petulant child in need of a time out? Is there a diagnosis? Is it surviving and living through a plague and the aftermath?

I am exhausted, but can’t sleep. I have work to do, but can’t get it done. I’m hungry, but nothing tastes good. I know I sound like a baby and I am ashamed, but surely I can’t be alone in this ... this unwellness I can’t quite put a finger on.

Maybe I should start a GoFundMe for the lot of us to go on a week-long holiday. (Obviously not together. You would not want to spend your well-deserved time off with the likes of me.) Or perhaps some sort of mass therapy session?

Well, until our ship comes in, I will be working away at the shop and worrying over things I can’t control and doing my best to ignore the little inner beast who snaps when given the tiniest provocation, right here Under the Pines ….PL

Sundi McLaughlin is a proud military wife and small-business owner of Mockingbird on Broad in Southern Pines.