Sout hwords By Beth MacDona ld

Dannazione! Scusa!

An d oth er int er n at ion al incid ent s

By Be t h M acD on a l D When I was

in high school I took French classes, envisioning a day when I would travel to Paris to chicly order Champagne and shop like a native. Unfortunately, I never think to lower my daydream expectations to allow for my real-life blunders.

I moved to Ita ly in my late 20s, and I needed to quick ly lear n the lang uage in order to communicate for my job. I became fluent enough to manage around my Ita lian counter par ts, order food and, of course, shop. I a lso managed to bungle the accents on enough words to of fend the man at the gas station when ask ing for a pen to sig n my NATO ration coupons. A f ter four years I found out it was not a w r iting implement that I had been requesting. Oops. A f r iend of mine, far more conversant than I, began laughing to the point of tears when I repeated the phrase I had been using for so long. A f ter a few minutes she ca lmed dow n enough to tell me what I had asked for was much more persona l to a man than a pen, but ver y close in spelling. I star ted going to a dif ferent gas station.

W hen I fina lly made it to France as a tour ist, I could only recognize t wo words: cigaret te and pastr y. I didn’t smoke, so the fact that “cigaret te” is the same in just about any lang uage did me no good. I tr ied to order water at a patisser ie, ask ing for water, aqua, ag ua, eau (leav ing butchered accents and ar ticles strew n at the side of the road) and even tr ied a ver y deter mined — and exasperated — index finger pointing at the bot tle of water I wanted. T he lady at the counter ref used to do any thing but stare at me w ith a flat look on her face. T he French built the Eif fel Tower is less time than it was tak ing me to get a sip of water. I could have shr iveled up and died if it weren’t for a stranger stepping in to order for me.

A few years ago, I went to Greece for a few week s. I made it a goa l to gain some r udimentar y k nowledge regarding the lay of the land as well as lear n a few g reetings and cour tesies. I bought book s, I went online, and ultimately came to the conclusion that Greek is not easy and Google Translate hates me. My husband is fluent in odd lang uages no one ever think s about, like Tongan. He is much bet ter at fit ting in abroad. If he’s not good at something new, he’s confident, and that cer tainly goes a long way. He’ll say a word that doesn’t mean what he think s it means, and people respond any way. I can accurately g ive voice to an accent, but I have trouble remembering the words.

W hile in Greece, he was tr y ing to help me (bless his hear t) by g iv ing me mnemonics to help me remember what I was supposed to say. Maybe it is our years of mar r iage that render any thing he says immediately unheard, or perhaps it was because I’m a mom and ever y thing in my brain gets scrambled and re-filed under, “W here are your shoes? Yes, you have to wear shoes.”

Either way, I forgot ever y thing he told me r ight when I needed it most. I wa lked around tr y ing to thank people by say ing, w ith my ver y good accent, “Ik illedyourcat-a,” a ll the time smiling and bow ing like a blonde Nor weg ian Sumo w restler. I followed this by incor po rating an odd hand gest ure that made me look like the Pope conferr ing blessings upon a ll.

T he people of Greece are lovely people, even if we’ve a ll g row n wear y of lear ning their a lphabet. T hey are k ind, and smiles are universa l. A f ter some time in Athens, I took to inter pretive dance as my pr imar y way of communicating — I might be a YouTube star in Europe to this day. Omicron aside, Greek is an ama zing, beautif ul lang uage. If you mess up a word, not to wor r y, you haven’t said any thing meaning f ul at a ll, just random g ibber ish. It’s not like other lang uages where you screw up and accidenta lly of fend someone.

To be honest, I would still g ive my exper ience speak ing Greek a five-star Yelp rev iew just for the exercise I got order ing g y ros by flailing my ar ms. PS

Beth Ma cDon al d is a South er n P in e s sub urban misa dventurer w ith an e ar thy v o cab ul ar y wh o reli e s h e av ily on spell ch eck. Sh e l o ve s t o travel w ith h er family, re a d ever y thing sh e c an, an d sh op l o c ally for h er so ck s.