Sophomore girl makes Facebook album, "Springhamton!!"
University bulldozes C4 to build C5
Baxter comes out as Bearcurious?
THE Tuesday, THE April 2, THE 2013 | Vestal Parkway University | www.THEpipedream.org | Vol. 4.56735420938476, Issue THE
New WiFi network BUinsecure launches Campus sets up internet for less confident student use Viking Lord Helmet Drinker
Frat Bro Mikey "Drinks a lot" Smith
University President Harvey Stenger poses with his Alpha Sigma Phi brothers after hosting the craziest beer bash in fraternity history.
Stenger hosts at Alpha Sig Things escalate quickly when BU president rolls through Kendrick Lamar Kendrick have a dream The brothers of Alpha Sigma Phi were excited when their fellow brother Harvey Stenger showed up last Saturday night to host a party with the fraternity. But partygoers and brothers underestimated Stenger, and things got out of hand quickly. “What happened Saturday night?” Alpha Sig brother Ezra Shapiro said. “All I remember is there was a giraffe, an entire family of midgets and a bouncy castle.
Then I blacked out.” Shapiro was not alone; every single brother reported losing memory at some point during the night. “The last thing I remember was peeing off the balcony next to President Stenger,” said Joe Khoury, or Neil, we’re not really sure. “We were competing for distance.” The majority of brothers and partygoers passed out before making it to the bars, but Stenger wasn’t done. He brought the party to State Street, playing a DJ set at both Paradigm and The Rathskellar
Pub. He was later seen dancing on the bar and spinning the shot wheel at Tom & Marty’s. “I wish Rasa were alive to see me now,” Stenger said as he busted a move on the counter. “He just jumped up there, and there was no stopping him,” tweeted Larry Shea, owner of Tom and Marty’s, who closed out Stenger’s bar tab free of charge. “Any man with moves like that has my respect.” Andrew Urso, owner of The Rathskellar and Pasquale’s Pizza, said Stenger stopped into his pizza shop after the bars on State Street
closed. “He bought pizza for everyone in line,” Urso said. “But then he started going up to girls and asking them to ‘let me see you twerk.’” After a night of clubbing, dancing and Alpha Sig bonding, President Stenger hailed a cab back to campus with seven sophomore girls. They reportedly spent the duration of the cab ride complimenting each other and capped the night off with pizza logs at the Hinman Nite Owl. “It was the perfect night,” Stenger said. “Can’t wait to do it again next weekend.”
After complaints about the wireless network BUsecure, Binghamton University is launching the new WiFi network, BUinsecure. The network is targeted at students less confident in their Internet browsing and campus significance. “I’m only an English major, so I don’t feel like I should be using BUsecure when there are so many engineers who need it more than me,” said Gretchen Nace, a freshman double-majoring in English and mediocrity. Administrators said they hope to launch BUinsecure in time for spring, when the looming bikini season brings self-esteem to its annual low. “We hope we can play off of students’ diminished body image to get a strong student base using the network,” said a representative from the Computer Center who wished to remain anonymous because he does not feel important enough to be named. BUinsecure will put a limit on the time students are allowed to spend on the Internet each day to avoid overcrowding on the network.
Students will automatically be logged off after they have exceeded their allotted time, which is determined by students’ level of selfconfidence. Students interested in joining the BUinsecure network can sign up to have their self-confidence evaluated and determine whether or not they qualify to use it. “I answered ‘somewhat’ when they asked how comfortable I am changing in front of others in the locker room, so I didn’t qualify for BUinsecure,” said Harry Longnut, an undeclared junior. “I guess I’ll have to tell my dad I didn’t make the cut, again.” The Computer Center plans to advertise the new network to campus groups they think would be likely to join, including the Eating Awareness Coalition, Rainbow Pride Union, Women’s Student Union and WHRW. The University Counseling Center said that any students dealing with insecurities can go fuck themselves because “we have better things to do.”
President behind Bing-U Secrets
One-sided rivalry: Cornell vs BU
Stenger reveals himself as site's creator
Cornell students don't actually know we exist
Kevin Panda Liu Get At Me
The creator of the viral Facebook page “Bing-U Secrets” revealed himself last night as Binghamton University President Harvey Stenger. “I decided to create Bing-U Secrets because I just got tired of doing the same thing every day,” Stenger said. “Like making surprise dining hall appearances, attending RA events and running with random students at 6 a.m. I hate running. Bing-U Secrets is the real me.” President Stenger also revealed that over half of Bing-U Secrets are actually his own secrets that he decided to share, including the following: #382: If those rude ass sorority girls in my class don’t stop talking over the professor, imma cut a bitch. #419: I listen to J-pop when I’m alone in my room. #404: is it me or does OCCT have some
good looking bus drivers? #406: Sometimes when I’m too lazy to take my wallet out to swipe my id to get into a building I’ll just rub my ass against the scanner if no one is around. “That one got 45 likes,” Stenger said as he smiled to himself. The page has accrued over 1,700 Facebook “likes.” “I love Bing-U Secrets. Over break, I spend like 5 hours browsing the secrets every day,” said a freshman who wished to remain anonymous because that’s embarrassing. “If I’d known how chill our president is, I never would have spread rumors around campus that he’s a racist.” Stenger isn’t done trying creative projects. The president has plans to create his own “Binghamton Crushes” page, “Binghamton memes,” and ”Ask Harvey,” a dating and life advice column. Stay tuned, they’ll be blowing up on Facebook this semester.
TOP STENGER SECRETS #355 Whenever there's a table in Hinman or C4 selling something or asking for donations, I do my best to avoid eye contact at all costs. #310 Sorority girls in c4: please fucking pay attention to where you're walking. If I get bumped into by one more of you puffy-coat wearing, starbucks drinking, iphonetoting retards, I'mma cut a bitch. Seriously though some of these are so rude. If ya couldnt tell already it's making me hella bitter #406 Sometimes when I'm too lazy to take my wallet out to swipe my id to get into a building I'll just rub my ass against the scanner if no one is around.
Some Smart Kid Too Poor For Cornell A recent survey addressing the rivalry between Binghamton University and Cornell University was conducted last week, bringing shocking results on both ends. Eighty percent of Binghamton University students consider Cornell University to be BU’s biggest rival, while 50 percent of Cornell students asked, “What is Binghamton University?” “I wasn’t sure whether they had sports or not, actually,” said one of the few Cornell students aware of BU. “And in terms of academics — I mean, come on.” Another 45 percent of students surveyed at Cornell didn’t even realize the city of Binghamton exists. “I’m not sure, I haven’t been to that Hampton yet,” another student said. Both schools draw a significant portion of their students from Long Island, which has helped
Long Island Jew
Despite Binghamton University students citing Cornell University as the school’s top rival, most Cornell students are “pretty sure” Binghamton doesn’t exist.
to make some Cornell students aware of BU. “My cleaning lady’s son goes there,” said a Cornell senior from Suffolk County. “I think.” Despite Cornell’s indifference toward Binghamton, a number of BU students said they will continue to stand behind the Bearcats as they take on Big Red.
“Fuck Cornell!” said Drew Barrett, a BU senior majoring in anthropology who was rejected from Cornell. “We don’t need their prestige or legitimate Ivy status or quaint college town!” The survey concluded that the only things the schools have in common were seasonal affective disorder and the Roscoe Diner.
www.THEpipedream.org | THE April 2, THE 2013
Somewhat Relevant
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Hillside day goes horribly wrong Community tries to boost resident morale but fails as usual Kelis Milkshake Maker The first annual “Hillside Smile Friendship Day,” a day-long morale builder for the residential community, went horribly wrong after four students showed up, one of whom stabbed his dad in the face. Hillside resident assistants had high expectations for the event,
a sensation they aren’t used to feeling. “We were planning to do some icebreakers, play some KanJam, smile for once, but instead only four people showed up,” said Mitch, an RA in Rockland, or something. “Well, I guess we shouldn’t have had high hopes — I mean, this is Hillside, after all.” The event had a slightly grim start with such low attendance, but
Hillside Day took an even worse turn when one of the students exclaimed, “I’ve just had enough,” and stabbed his own father in the face in front of the cotton candy machine. The father’s physical condition is unknown. Some spectators wonder if the student meant to stab himself but just missed. “To be honest, we’re happy only one dad got stabbed,” said Mitch
the RA. “Normally, we average two dad-stabbings per event.” RAs are already hoping to bounce back with their second annual end-of-semester dance, “Hillside Positivity Ball,” which is sure to include music, dancing and hopefully fewer Zoloft overdoses than last year’s dance.
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Salvation Army second-hand store in Downtown Binghamton. BCC programming board members said they want Students at Broome Macklemore to experience “the Community College are flavor and charm of Upper Front preparing to pop some tags and Street” with its many chain have a really, really, really good restaurants, car shops and gas time, because Macklemore will stations. be headlining their 2013 Spring Fling. Macklemore will be performing Saturday, May 4 on the BCC ice skating rink as a part of his new tour, “Macklemore on Ice.” “We realized that while we could have a ‘classic,’ punk band from the early 2000s like Hoobastank, Good Charlotte or Yellowcard, we could also get someone famous, like Macklemore” said Stephanie Smith, president of the BCC . programming board. Smith is a senior majoring in college. — Smith Smith pointed to the Senior Majoring in college programming board’s competency as the reason they Briana Friia, Vice President could book such a big name. “We’re like, the people in for Programming at Binghamton charge of getting concerts on University, is reportedly really campus,” Smith said. “So we happy for BCC on their booking success. just, like, got good concerts.” “I’m really happy for BCC,” The hip-hop sensation will spend the day with BCC Friia said. “I’m really. Happy.” programming board members, sightseeing and visiting the
Strawberry Shortcake Cream Puff
“We’re like, the people in charge of getting concerts on campus, So we just, like, got good concerts ”
The blood seeps from Hillside’s common area, after a student stabbed his father during an RA event. Many students consider it one of the most uplifting events in community history.
Summer
Macklemore to play BCC Spring Fling
THE April 2, The 2013 | www.THEpipedream.org
Pipe Line
THONGS
3
BTV makes a porno
News Briefs — Nirchis stock drops post GIM season — Merlins to be renamed “Johnson City” — Vice President for Multicultural Affairs renamed “Vice President for Black People” — Yellowcard: Yellowcard to cover Macklemore’s “Thrift Shop” at BU Spring Fling — Yellowcard to play “Ocean Avenue” at BU Spring Fling — Some guy in a van is actually the creator and facilitator of BUsecure WiFi network — B-Line accidentally posts schedule from six months ago. No one notices. — Debate Team Wins NDT — Ryan Vaughan has an existential crisis, shaves beard completely, moves out of mom’s basement and goes to medical school — University bulldozes C4 to build C5; cites goal of reaching C10 by 2020 — Student reports Sodexo sandwich made correctly: “They wiped the knife, and used appropriate condiment-to-bread ratios!” — Debate Team Wins Nobel Peace Prize — Athletic Department responds to man arrested on coke charges, “Hey, he wasn’t on the basketball team!” — Chenango Room to hire DJ from the Rat, allow frats to host parties with the house rules, “Beer on tap after 10, girls free before 11.” — Flu spreads through health services staff, they don’t know how to help themselves — Freshman drinks “like 16 beers” at the Rat — In response to those two girls making out on the counter at Paradigm: “Wow they’re so brave to publicly express their love like that.” — Rev Run returns to BU, students welcome him on stage and call him racist — Harvey Stenger responds to racially motivated allegations: “I have black friends.” — Harpur student asks, “What’s the difference between sociology and anthropology; does it even matter anymore?” — 20 Hawley residents claim Brewed Awakenings coffee and a gym with large windows is “totally worth” the lung cancer accompanying asbestos exposure — Harpur’s Ferry responds to drunk driving allegations — Every new food kiosk in the New University Union to be Einsteins Bros Bagels — Reports of hazing in Dean of Students Office: April Thompson, Harvey Stenger and three fraternities dechartered — Stephen’s of Stephen’s Vintage speaks out: “This is NOT a costume shop!” — Dickinson to offer half-priced housing for sinking building: “It’s still better than what they have now,” campus officials say.
Some naked viking
In an attempt to increase viewership, BTV has added after-hour pornographic programing. The Executive Board of BTV plans to produce and star in their own homemade pornography. BTV seeks to double its popularity, hoping for 10 viewers on the night of their premiere.
UPD Arrests this week 60 percent kids smoking weed in their cars 25 percent kids smoking weed in the College-in-theWoods woods 10 percent kids smoking weed in CIW suite bathrooms
Jews Briefs Chabad and Hillel Rabbis bond over shared joint Rabbi Shalom Kantor of Binghamton University’s Hillel and Rabbi Aaron Slonim of the University’s Chabad were seen sharing a joint filled with marijuana in the Dickinson Gazebo last Friday afternoon before Shabbat. “Man, there’s such a big Jewish community here. We should be working together, not against each other,” Kantor reportedly said to Slonim. “We both talked about how awesome the movie ‘Prince of Egypt’ is, and had some serious bro time” Slonim reportedly replied. At the end of the smoke sesh, the two Rabbis resumed quarreling: Kantor accused Slonim of taking all the weed and refusing to share it with everyone else, while Slonim pointed out that Kantor probably wouldn’t have trouble getting more of the leafy green substance if he wasn’t such a jerk. Haim Charkavy, the Rabbi of Maimonides, was seen snorting cocaine in the distance.
5 percent kids smoking weed on the Newing bridge 0 percent guy who stole your laptop
God shushes Rabbi Levi During last week’s second Passover Seder, while Rabbi Levi was attempting to shush his family to read from the Haggadah, the Holy Spirit, blessed-be-he, descended from heaven to silence the man. “Sheket,” God said. Hillel occupies room booked by Muslim Student Association Mahamoud Akhbu was looking forward to discussing his Ramadan plans with the rest of the Muslim Student Association in University Union room 102. But when he got there, he found that members of Hillel had taken root and refused to budge. “Its proximity to the Hillel Lounge is essential to ensure our security,” said Bov Derkman, a senior majoring in Judaic studies and member of Bearcats for Israel.
B-Line General Events April 2 3:00 p.m. Harpur advising event, “How to transfer out of Harpur” April 3 12:00 p.m. English Department hosts Unemployment Fair April 4 12:00 a.m. Oneida fire drill April 4 3:00 a.m. Oneida fire drill April 4 4:00 a.m. Oneida fire drill General Announcements Food Co-op now selling opium
Shabbat 1500 breakdown
40 percent kids whose meal plans ran out 25 percent people who built the Events Center
Late Nite Binghamton April 5 10:00 p.m. Friendship Bracelets for People Without Friends April 5 10:00 p.m. Workshop: Learning personal hygiene & how to interact with others April 6 9:00 p.m. Multicultural students in tuxedos dance in the Mandela Room
Recreation April 3 2:00 p.m. Hillside hosts “Hillside Friendship Smile Day” Speakers April 3 8 p.m. Fred Phelps of Westboro baptist Church to speak in Lecture Hall 3, sponsored by Intervarsity Christian Fellowship Meetings April 2 7:00 p.m. Free pizza and something boring in Old University Union room 120 April 2 12:00 p.m. Table Club GIMApril 6 9:00 p.m. Multicultural students in tuxedos dance in the Mandela Room Tabling April 2 1:00 p.m. GIM Club tabling April 3 12:00 p.m. Bake sale nobody will go out of their way to go to in the Tillman Lobby April 2 8 p.m. Mountainview RA event: Foods of the world: featuring chobani, sabra and “sushi.”
20 percent townies who want a free meal 10 percent actual Jews 5 percent members of the Slonim family
stabilizing: Vikings
MVP: jules/paige
Vikings :destabilizing
RELEVANT
Arts & Entertainment Sex Playlist II, Sloppy Seconds, The Weirdest Songs To Do The Dirty To If you like spankings, superhero costumes, or vivid childhood flashbacks while you’re making love, we have a playlist we think you’d love. In this sequel to Pipe Dream’s most successful column ever, we racked our brains to find songs to make your next sexual encounter cold, lonely and secretly invigorating.
John Arthur Becomes Too Mainstream, Closes John Arthur | Barista “really loud” SOM students and a freshman who committed the John Arthur Cafe, the beloved cardinal Jarthur sin by attempting on-campus coffee parlor, has to buy coffee with her meal plan. closed its doors indefinitely after “It was just another day here becoming what patrons referred at Jarthur,” cashier Emily Skydel to as “too mainstream.” said. “Full of organic scones, fairBaristas abruptly shut down all trade sugars and blends made of operations Tuesday afternoon after rare Chilean coffee beans that are a rush of non-regular customers totally in season right now. Then, invaded the liberal arts safe haven. things got way out of hand.” The intruders included three APES The cafe draws its usual brothers who ordered bagels, two clientele by its proximity to the
Fine Arts courtyard, where horn rimmed glasses-clad students can puff on homemade cigarettes and think. Skydel and her fellow baristas didn’t know how to handle the surge of customers, as the cafe typically serves eight or nine customers a day. “Since the event, our YELP rating has plummeted and our Tumblr rep is compromised,” said Mal, a barista and self-
proclaimed coffee sommelier. “We have standards here. Like, do these people want me to crap in a Jazzman’s cup, call it ‘bold note flavorful melody’ and serve it to you? We’ve just totally lost our inner meaning.” “Jarthur is OVER,” one philosophy major exclaimed as he tossed his scarf around his neck and exited. “OVER!”
Luther Vandross — “Dance With My Father” The Original Mary Poppins Soundtrack The Beatles — “Eleanor Rigby” R.E.M. — “Everybody Hurts” “Here Comes the Bride” “The Star Spangled Banner” Lou Bega — “Mambo No. 5” Randy Newman — “Short People” Mulan Soundtrack — “I’ll Make a Man Out of You” B Martin — “SUNY Anthem” Carrie Underwood — “Jesus Take The Wheel” William Hung — “She Bangs” Lady Gaga — “Born This Way” Madonna — “Like a Virgin” “My Little Pony” theme song Nyan Cat Willy Wonka Soundtrack — “The Candy Man” Stay tuned for next week’s top 15 songs to golf to.
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THE April 2, The 2013 | www.THEpipedream.org
RELEVANT
Relevant reviews Now 45 Wilbur Sunnyside | Sophomore lost who lost his voice If you’ve read any Release reviews printed in this paper, you’ve probably learned at least one thing: we’re fucking relevant. Every week is a sweatybrowed struggle for us to cover the bands you love. Sometimes, we even act against our better judgment to present something that’s relatable to everyone. I must admit I’m a repeat offender — if it weren’t for my editor’s ridiculously hip taste in music, I wouldn’t have known that My Bloody Valentine was anything more than the 3D horror that came out in 2009. The same goes for almost every other music piece I’ve written. If it weren’t for mainstream music sources like Pitchfork.com, Adhoc. fm and Stereogum, my fellow Release writers and I would be lost. Pipe Dream is a progressive publication that needs to grow and evolve. So, it’s with the utmost pleasure and permission of our onlocation Williamsburg and Austin correspondents that this review is possible; for once, Release is breaking away from the mainstream to cover music that you might not have heard. As one of this year’s most anticipated albums, “Now That’s What I Call Music! 45” is a godsend for the future of America’s underground music scene. After an excruciating
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Straight couple seeks third party for male/female/animal encounter to spice things up
Live ducks needed for party And a Rebecca Black lookalike
three-month wait, “45” transcends the artists it represents and feels like an instant classic in its avantgarde complexity and diverse influences. As 2013 comes roaring in, it’s an early contender for the top of every end-of-theyear list and will be remembered for decades to come.
As a long-form piece, “45” is as conceptual as it gets. Its track order follows the oscillating narrative of every American romantic. Take the seamless flow between Flo Rida’s “I Cry” and Ke$ha’s “Die Young,” for example — it’s a symbolic transition from downcast insecurity to a complete disregard for life’s troubles in a nihilistic dance floor stomp.
Inversely, the juxtaposition of Taylor Swift’s adamant declaration in “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” rescinds into Kelly Clarkson’s more contemplative anthem “Catch My Breath.” Each song stands as a successful exercise in experimental pop music, where the rules of mainstream radio
are challenged and bent at every corner. In terms of its experimental edge, “45” takes its biggest risk in revolutionary CD/downloadonly purchase options; it’s rarely available in record stores, where most of us buy music these days. This subversive commercial ploy is a game-changing moment for music history, dragging us away from our unspeakably cool hi-fi
systems and towards computer screens and mp3s. Additionally, it bucks sonic trends that are so often abused in popular music. Instead of sporting ambient passages that evoke the overrated and overplayed songs from top-selling albums by Bon Iver and Radiohead, “Now 45” offers a new and unfettered array of bold sounds. Florida Georgia Line offers a fresh new take on country with “Cruise” while One Direction’s “Live While We’re Young” is a difficult yet rewarding rendition of alternative pop rock. If these soaring tracks feel abstract and unwelcoming at first, I can guarantee you that additional listens with a pair of $300 Senheiser headphones will yield a more expansive, lifechanging sonic experience. Most incredibly, “45” manages to deviate from its predecessors in its brave new sound world that opposes top 40 radio. While the 44 compilations that came before it only attempted to change the course of popular, mainstream music culture, “45” succeeds. Hot on the heels of 2012’s most skilled avant-garde auteurs such as Justin Bieber and Rihanna, it’s the experimental magnum opus we’ve all been waiting for. On behalf of Release’s insatiable endeavor to cover only the brightest, most inventive new media, I’m proud to recommend this shining jewel of an album. 10.0 ; Best Now Music.
5
Nine new a cappella groups coming to a dollar show near you
Want to sing a cappella, but out of the nine a capella groups on campus, couldn’t find the one that was just right for you? You’re in luck, because starting next semester, there will be nine new a cappella groups to chose from! Agnostic a cappella group: “Who Knows?” Gregorian Chant A Cappella: “Eunuchs only” A cappella group for sophomores with junior class standing A cappella group for Jews who were raised conservative, but are now reform A cappella group that only sings public domain music Singers who were rejected from “No Strings Attached” A cappella group who only sings songs by Ingrid Michaelson: “Just Ingrid” Odd Cappella: Odd Future A Cappella Group A cappella group that only sings songs other groups also sing: “Bing There Sung That”
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Join Origami Club on Fridays at 7PM in UU102 origami@binghamtonsa.org
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VIKING
Many students aren’t aware of the presence of Vikings at Bingh and blacks and Jews, are very underrepresented on campus. To rights, Pipe Bomb staff spent a weekend wit
hamton University. Vikings, along with the gays o spread Viking awareness and promote Viking th the great Norse warriors.
7
Photos by Terry Richardson
December 7, 1941 | www.meatspin.com
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A small boy gets shot in the face on his birthday.
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Still winter The Boss Man* Sodexo Slave Shitdanknows@THEpipedream.com Professional Yoloer* Instagram Chipotle Addict trees@THEpipedream.com
Stenger's BFF* Oldman imcranky@THEpipedream.com The Dark Lord's Servants Head Bitch LARP
Fancy Sodexo W
e here at Pipe Bomb owe our extremely loyal and captive audience an apology.
For the last year, we’ve been whining about the loss of the Food Court, a mecca for hungry off-campus students. We also wasted several editorials complaining about trivial things like Sodexo’s prices, the Tillman Café and Einstein Bros. Bagels. But we practically completely ignored the most underappreciated food vendor missing this year: the Susquehanna Room. The Susquehanna Room was a marvel of modern college dining. It perfectly combined the Sodexo experience we all know and love with high class ceramic plateware and finely upholstered chairs, and campus isn’t the same without it. There’s just something special
about eating the same old garbage in such a classy setting, with a beautiful view of the Peace Quad — which was actually beautiful at some point. Without this dining location, professors have nowhere to go to pretend they aren’t eating prison food. Well actually, at least nowhere that close to the Peace Quad. We guess they could go to the Chenango Room, but who would want to walk that far? Wait…………Are you saying that the Chenango Room is actually closer to most of campus? Wasn’t the Susquehanna Room near the Susquehanna Community? Where was the Peace Quad again?
THAT strip of grass? People actually like having a view of the 1950’s architecture of the Couper Administration Building? Does anyone hear know anyone who actually has ever eaten a meal at the Susquehanna Room and enjoyed it? No? Why are we writing about this again? How do we come up with ideas for Staff Editorials again? Arggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg gggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg. Splat. In conclusion, we think that campus construction is actually a good thing, mustaches are cool in November and Stenger isn’t racist. I think that’s what we were talking about.
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Views expressed are inspirational #yolo. The only piece which represents the views of the THE Pipe Bomb Mafia is the Staff Editorial, above. The Editorial Board is composed of the Mr. Bossy Pants, TKTTK, Bullshit Editor, Winner's Circle Editor and Pitchfork Editor.
Women are the new men Women who like women run the shit In his 1830 tour of America, Alexis De Tocqueville warned of a phenomenon known as “tyranny of the majority,” in which the interests of the minority would be suppressed all in the name of democracy. De Tocqueville warned that strength in numbers did not always coincide with wisdom
Wonder Woman In-house lesbian
or making the best choices for our country. In 2013, his predictions are manifested in all branches of a federal, state and local governments. White guys, white guys, white guys. Is democracy really the most equitable form of government when we allow someone like George W. Bush to be elected? Don’t act like Obama makes it all better. What good is a blanket statement insuring life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness if the White House is perpetually occupied by Christian men? For
these reasons, I am proposing a national experiment: a dual monarchy of lesbian queens. As I’ve stated in past articles, there is a less than 1 percent rate of child abuse among lesbian parents. America is much like a child in need of a Supernanny intervention. If Sweden is the well-behaved well-mannered girl sitting doing her coloring, America is the obese, ADHDridden monster stealing the snacks of other children. Who better to whip the monster into shape than lesbians? In addition, having undergone their own personal struggles for acceptance, lesbians are well suited to embrace the unique characteristics of their children. We don’t all have to be gun-toting, bible-thumping homogeneous drones. Maybe America wants to paint his nails with glitter. With lesbian monarchs, it’s all good. One of the biggest criticisms lobbed against female candidates for president is that they will not be able to lead when undergoing the menstrual cycle. If we have lesbian queens, this won’t be
a problem because they set the schedule for everyone else. Hegemony 101. When they’re on the rag, we’re on vacation. Americans need more vacation anyways. It will be a success for women everywhere. No longer will there be shame associated with asking for a tampon in public. It will be a sign of patriotism to call out, “LEND ME A TAMPAX. GOD SAVE THE QUEENS.” Women will no longer be ashamed of their nature. Some people might say that this experiment is exclusionary towards men. That’s the point. And men love lesbians. What hot-blooded American male wouldn’t want to watch two ladies in pantsuits dance the night away? Sounds preferable to Michelle Obama and her man arms (no offense). After sitting on top of the food chain for the first 30,000 years of human history, it’s high time men took it easy and let girl power fuel America into the 21st century. — Wonder Woman is a senior majoring in Vagina Monologues and Africana Studies.
Resident Jew Diva Starfish Leaver Quitter Abandonus@THEpipedream.com
Letters to the Editor To the editor: I feel that the Jewish population is underrepresented on campus. All the coverage of SUNY 2020 was focused on how the legislation hurt racial minority groups, with no regard for how it hurt the Jewish population. If this legislation gets passed, who’s going to be there to blow out our intramural teams? Not only that, but all our Passover events get ignored by your paper; are you guys really suggesting that Yellowcard getting picked for Spring Fling is more important that the Jewish people being unchained from hundreds of years of slavery? I think that it’s about time the Jews got some press time; after all, if we weren’t here there would be no one left to write for Pipe Dream. Rachel Rebecca Feinshteinistein A member of Hillel and sister of Sigma AEPi, 2015.
To the editor: I take umbrage with all of the nonsense and horrible shit you print. Your righters cannot write, your editers
cannot edit and my time would probably be better served by joining the Binghamton Review. Although I wish to one day join your ranks, I shall instead troll your articles on the web, send nasty emails and shit-talk all of the masthead when I do not make Weekend Warriors. Richard Picard III Disgruntled English Major, 2014. To the editor: I just want to say I think Pipe Dream gives the best sex advice. I look forward to reading Opinion every week in hopes of a sex column to give me tips on how to spice up my love life. Pipe Dream has helped me overcome my fears of having a small penis and encouraged me to go out on weekends in search of girls to bang. Carl Christian Hanson Virgin, 2016
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THE Pipe Bomb is published by the Mafia, which has sole and final discretion over the toilet paper’s content and personnel. *Positions seated In the shark tank are denoted by an asterisk. THE Pipe Bomb is published while drunk and dressed as vikings while Sodexo is gross, except during deer culling and hazing. THE Pipe Bomb accepts stimulation and oral zex, from undergraduate students, graduate students and just about anyone. Submissions should be 400 to 500 roubles in length and be thus far decent. Submissions must include the social security number and credit card number, and mother's maiden name. Graduate students and faculty members should indicate their fathers name, as well as sexual orientation. Favorite foods are to be disclosed and may be noted at THE Pipe Bomb discretion. Anonymous submissions are for pussies. Any bullshit referenced must be properly cited from credible news sources like Fox. THE Pipe Bomb reserves the right to make fun of your writing, and critique your grammar. All submissions become ponies of THE Pipe Bomb. Submissions may be e-mailed to Batman at fuckbats@ THEpipedream.org.
www.THEpipedream.org | THE April 2, THE 2013
IRRELEVANT
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Point Counterpoint Does the size of the pipe really matter? Our resident sex columnists discuss what fills their "cesspool" For all of you boys out there who are under the impression that your small dick is something be ashamed of, I’m here to bring you out of your misery. We women want you to know that the bigger, the scarier. We don’t want to know what you’re doing or how you’re doing it. We’d prefer if it we barely even knew what was going on, if anything at all. I don’t know a single woman who wouldn’t want to ask themselves while a sweaty boy is gyrating on top of them, ‘Is it in?’
Michele Bachmann Domestic Slave
First off, why would we want to enjoy ourselves anyway? The bigger your dick, the bigger the chance that we might actually have an orgasm, and lord knows we ain’t trying to ruin the sheets. We’re here to service you, and every stereotype you can think
of will support my claim. I have too many recipes to think of and too much cleaning to do to even consider enjoying myself. Ain’t nobody got time for dat. If we want to speak purely scientifical, then of course a smaller penis size is ideal. I mean, smaller dicks allow you to wear tighter pants and smaller underwear, which in turn saves you money when you buy a kid’s large as opposed to the adult small. That’s just science. It would be appropriate for me now to dispel some rumors. The preconceived notion that a small dick is directly related to your manliness is the farthest thing from true. A small dick opens up the door to a plethora of endless possibilities. Any woman, any time. Nothing to worry about because there are no limits. It will always fit. Now that’s the kind of man I want. Now to get a little more serious and introduce my theory concerning humanity as a whole. Essentially, there exists an inverse relationship between penis size and population size. The smaller
the penis, the larger the population. Think of it this way: a smaller penis allows for a male to just stick it in when you’re not looking, and thus the chance of pregnancy increases tenfold. Procreation at its finest. All of you men with smaller Ds have quite clearly won the game. In response to all of you who believe the myth that foot size correlates with penis size, here is a little something you may not have known. I speak for every woman when I say that it is a huge turn-on when my man and I can share shoes. If he can fit his feet into my size 6 peep-toe pumps, lord knows I can’t help but crave his needle-dick. To put it simply, as a woman I am a tool for pleasure, and as such it goes without saying: size does matter. Small dick for the win. And finally, for all you men cursed with a large package, you and your partner should just remember: it’s not your fault. — Michele Bachmann is a junior majoring in trouble.
For all of you boys out there who are under the impression that your small dick is something be ashamed of, I’m here to verify. Sorry. We women want you to know that the bigger, the better. We want to know what you’re doing and exactly when you’re doing it. I don’t know a single woman who would want to ask themselves while a sweaty boy is gyrating on top of them, ‘Is it in?’
Taylor Swift Reverse Cowgirl
There’s no such thing as too big. Why would we want to enjoy ourselves anyway? The smaller your dick, the bigger the chance that you might actually be tempted to use other skills to bring us to an orgasm, and lord knows we ain’t trying to ruin the sheets. We’re here to service you, and every stereotype you can think of will support my claim. I have too many recipes to think
of and too much cleaning to do to even consider enjoying myself. Ain’t nobody got time for dat. If we want to speak purely scientifical, then of course a larger penis size is ideal. I mean, bigger dicks force you to wear baggier pants and roomier underwear, which in turn gives you more space in your pockets to hold our shit when we go out at night. That’s just science. It would be appropriate for me now to dispel some rumors. The preconceived notion that a small dick is directly related to your manliness is true. A big dick opens up the door to a plethora of endless possibilities. Any woman, any time. Nothing to worry about because there are no limits. It will always fit if you make it fit. Now that’s the kind of man I want. Now to get a little more serious and introduce my theory concerning humanity as a whole. Essentially, there exists an inverse relationship between penis size and population size. The bigger the penis, the larger the population. Think of it this
way: a bigger penis allows for more semen per ejaculation, which increases the chance of pregnancy tenfold. Procreation at its finest. All of you men with massive Ds have quite clearly won the game. In response to all of you who believe the myth that foot size correlates with penis size, here is a little something you may not have known. I speak for every woman when I say that it is a huge turn-on when my man has big hairy hobbit feet to match his other FEETure. If he can fit his feet into my size 6 peep-toe pumps, lord knows I can't help but cry. To put it simply, as a woman I am a tool for pleasure, and as such it goes without saying: size does matter. You can’t get to England in a rowboat. And finally, for all you men cursed with a teensy package, you and your partner should just remember: it’s not your fault. — Taylor Swift is a freshman also majoring in trouble.
The Lion King, Batman and Ke$ha all say: You only live once! An in-depth look inside a catch phrase that has consumed the vocabulary of all modern teens With graduation approaching, and anxious seniors working on fulfilling each and every item on their individual bucket lists, I have some advice: DON’T FORGET TO YOLO. MAKE THIS SEMESTER COUNT. THIS IS THE HOME STRETCH, PEOPLE, YOU CAN’T JUST CARPE THAT DIEM, YOU ALSO MUST CARPE THAT NOCTEM. SIEZE THE MOMENT. MARCH TO THE BEAT OF YOUR OWN DRUM.
Christian Gray Master Bater
As seniors in college, you are coming to a crossroads. These are the best years of your life. By now you have already learned to choose the road less
traveled, and that it will make all the difference, but more importantly, it’s time to forge your own path. As you walk down the beaten highway of life, don’t forget to stop and smell the roses. First cut is the deepest. Never forget that a bird in the hand is LITERALLY worth two in the bush. Carpe birdies. Don’t frown because it’s over, smile because it happened. Those who mind really just don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind. What if God was one of us? Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. You never know where your life will take you, and they say the only two certain things are death and taxes, but just as every cloud has its thorn, every rose has its silver lining. There’s no place like home. It ain’t over til the fat lady sings! It’s just a jump to the left … Remember that if it doesn’t kill you, it will make you
stronger. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Always shoot for the moon, for if you fail, you will still land amongst the stars, so long as you DEFY GRAVITY. When life gives you lemons, you MUST make lemonade! It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Remember that if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. There is nothing to fear but fear itself. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. No means no. I did not have sexual relations with that woman. Don’t cry over spilled milk. Laughter is the best medicine. Never frown, because you don’t know when someone is falling in love with your smile. Just do it. Impossible is nothing. Never forget. #hashtag. Dream big. Let it be. Veni vidi vici. Winter is coming. Four for you, Glenn Coco. YOU GO, GLENN COCO! To everything,
turn, turn, turn. There is a season, turn, turn, turn. There can be miracles if you believe. Hakuna matata. Mind the gap. Gotta catch ‘em all. All your base are belong to us. Oh, we’re halfway there, living on a prayer. There are more fish in the sea. You’ll always miss 100 percent of the shots you don’t take. With great power comes great responsibility. Si ves algo, di algo. Eat or be eaten. Are you there, God? It’s me, Margaret. In vino veritas. If you can’t take the heat, stay out of the kitchen. Sports is a metaphor for life. As if! You can’t have your cake and eat it too. So what we get drunk? When the going gets tough, the tough get going. Et tu, Brute? THIS. IS. SPARTA. We are young. You are probably the voice of your generation. If you’ve got it, flaunt it. Wingardium levi-OH-sa. Nobody puts baby in the corner. He was
a boy, she was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious? Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose. A rose by any other name would smell as sweet. Here’s lookin’ at you, kid. To be, or not to be. As you wish. You had me at hello. I’m bringing sexyback. When you’re a Jet, you’re a Jet all the way. Ohana means family. Family means nobody gets left behind … or forgotten. A baby’s gotta do what a baby’s gotta do. THERE’S NO CRYING IN BASEBALL. Fish are friends, not food. Everybody wants to be a cat. To infinity and beyond! Semper fie. Semper ubi sub ubi. Ask not what your country can do for you — ask what you can do for your country. Yes we can. I don’t smoke weed, I smoke clowns like you on the bball court. The sun will come out tomorrow. But, shit, it was 99 cents! Free Weezy. Make love, not war. It is always darkest
before the dawn. Live long and prosper. Love is patient, love is kind. Heroes get remembered, but legends never die. #noregrets. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen. You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain. May the force be with you. Never tickle a sleeping dragon. Above the influence. Let’s get down to business to defeat the Huns. Graduating seniors, as we stare into the vast unknown, I ask you an important question: Who let the dogs out? TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. NO DAY BUT TODAY. — Christian Gray is a sophomore majoring in the many shades of grey.
Live and Learn in NYC This Summer at Queens College FOUR SESSIONS FROM JUNE 3 TO AUGUST 15 Summer Session has it all: Hundreds of undergraduate and graduate courses ■ A breezy, 77-acre campus ■ The Summit, Queens College’s beautiful residence hall ■ Cybercafés and free use of athletic facilities, including tennis courts and Olympic-size pool ■
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THE April 2, The 2013 | www.THEpipedream.org
WINNER'S CIRCLE
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Binghamton freshman expected to declare for 2013 NBA Draft Karon Waller seeking to become the first Bearcat to hear his name called on draft day Chris Broussard Pipe Dream Insider College basketball’s one-anddone epidemic has hit Binghamton, as sources told Pipe Dream Sports that Bearcat freshman guard Karon Waller will declare for the 2013 NBA Draft. “Let’s just say it’s a done deal,” one NBA source said he heard from a source who was told by a source. Waller, who averaged two points in 10.6 minutes per game with the Bearcats, would not comment on an official decision but said his cousin told him he would see the floor more in the NBA. “Yeah, when it comes to basketball, you could say he knows more about talent than Phil Jackson or Coach K,” Waller said of his cousin. “He said the sky’s the limit for me.” Another source confirmed rumors that Waller’s cousin assisted Isiah Thomas during his tenure as general manager of the New York Knicks. “Oh, everyone credits Isiah for signing Jerome James and trading for Eddy Curry,” the source said. “But no. That was all [Waller’s cousin]. The guy knows talent when he sees it.” Waller said a consummate offensive skill set helps separate him from the pack. “I stroke it like Ray Allen, drive it like LeBron [James] and cross it like [Allen] Iverson,” he said. “With that type of arsenal, my cousin says I’ve got a shot at cracking the lottery.” Every mock draft on the Internet disagrees, as none projects Waller as even a late second round pick. But the freshman, who averaged 25.8 points per game as a senior
at Collingswood High School, says he has exceeded expectations throughout his life. “When I came to Binghamton, did anyone think I, as an established scorer, would only play 10 minutes a game? No, probably not,” Waller said. “You see, that’s exceeding expectations. It’s kind of like when Michael Jordan got cut from his high school team, you know?” Binghamton head coach Tommy Dempsey, who coached 2008 lottery pick Jason Thompson at Rider, said Waller could be an asset to a professional team immediately. “He only didn’t play much this year because I couldn’t have two freshmen combining for 40 points per game; I just didn’t want to discourage the upperclassmen,” Dempsey said. “He and Jordan [Reed] are very special players, and I was hoping Karon would come back as a secret weapon next year. I fully support him in his decision, though.” Waller has until April 28 to officially enter the draft pool, and if he does not sign with an agent, he can withdraw by June 17 to preserve his collegiate eligibility. One source said Waller has discussed a potential partnership with Lorne Daniels, who famously represented Jamal Jeffries and Juwanna Mann. “Not many people know this, but Karon idolized Juwanna growing up. Posters, jerseys, he had them all,” the source said. “When other kids strived to be like Mike [Jordan], there was Karon dreaming to be like Juwanna.” In time, we’ll see if Waller’s aspirations come to fruition.
Binghamton's NBA Draft Picks
Barack Obama/Multitalented
Binghamton freshman guard Karon Waller averaged 10 minutes per game this season.
BEARCAT BRIEFS
Women's tennis wins Good Job Good Effort Medal By Homewrecker| Pipe Dream Ladies Man The Binghamton women’s tennis team finally won something. The Bearcats haven’t captured a match in 45 days, but this weekend, they received the Jack Meyer Good Job Good Effort Medal, awarded to a team or person that tries really hard. “The outcomes of our matches do not reflect our effort on the court,” head coach Libby McGovern said. “These girls work hard every day, and it’s about time someone took
notice.” The Miami Heat earned the first Good Job Good Effort after a Game 5 Eastern Conference Championship loss to the Boston Celtics last season. “LeBron and Miami dominated after winning this last year,” McGovern said. “I’m hoping the hardware has a similar effect on us as we head into the last leg of our season.”
Athletics Dept. celebrates Dernlan arrest By Ariel | The Little Mermaid For once, the Binghamton athletic department reveled in an arrest of one of its own. First-year head wrestling coach Matt Dernlan was arrested for disorderly conduct and public intoxication two weeks ago, and Athletic Director Patrick Elliott organized a party to celebrate the fact that someone other than a basketball player was arrested. “As a department, we wanted to make sure others saw our versatility,” Elliott said. “It’s not always basketball players getting arrested. We
spread it out throughout the entire department.” Binghamton men’s basketball head coach Tommy Dempsey also expressed his gratitude. “When I came in here last spring, I had to fight the uphill battle of not only overcoming a void of talent but also changing our reputation as a team of cocaine dealers and condom stealers,” he said. “Dernlan kind of helps me out by taking some of the spotlight away from our team.”
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Binghamton Athletic Director Patrick Elliott threw a party to celebrate the arrest of wrestling coach Matt Dernlan.
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Sunday 8:45 8:56 8:58 9:02 9:10 3:10 3:00 3:15 3:35 3:20 9:26 9:28 9:40 9:32 3:30 3:20 3:35 3:55 Leaves Dickinson University Plaza UDC Main+Floral Returns 9:15 3:40 9:56 9:45 9:58 10:10 10:02 3:50 3:40 3:55 4:15 4:00 10:25 10:20 10:31 10:55 10:40 10:26 10:15 10:28 10:40 10:32 4:10 4:00 4:15 4:35 4:20 PM 11:25 PM 11:31 PM 11:40 PM 11:55 PM 10:45 11:20 10:56 10:58 11:10 11:02 4:30 4:20 4:35 4:55 4:40 AM 12:25 AM 12:31 AM 12:40 AM 12:55 AM 11:15 12:20 PM 11:26 11:28 11:40 PM 11:32 4:50 4:40 4:55 5:15 5:00 1:25 1:20 1:31 1:55 1:40 11:45 PM 11:56 PM 11:58 PM 12:02 AM 12:10 AM 5:10 5:00 5:15 5:35 5:20 2:25 2:20 2:31 2:55 2:40 12:15 AM 12:26 AM 12:28 AM 12:32 12:40 5:30 5:20 5:35 5:55 5:40 3:25 3:20 3:31 3:55 3:40 5:50 5:40 5:55 6:15 6:00 Saturday - Sunday Darkened Runs Saturday Only 6:10 6:00 6:15 6:35 6:20 Leaves Union Downtown Center Riverside+Front Riverside+Margaret Returns 6:30 6:20 6:35 6:55 6:40 Leroy Southside 6:50 6:40 6:55 7:15 7:00 10:41 10:30 10:43 10:55 10:47 7:10 7:00 7:15 7:35 7:20 11:30 AM 11:41 AM 11:43 AM 11:47 AM 11:55 AM Monday Friday 7:30 7:20 7:35 7:55 Leaves Union Main+Floral Leroy+Murray Tompkins+Conklin Returns 12:30 PM 12:41 PM 12:43 PM 12:47 PM 12:55 PM 7:40 7:50 7:40 7:55 8:15 8:00 1:41 1:30 1:43 1:55 1:47 6:00 PM 6:12 PM 6:18 PM 6:28 PM 6:45 PM 2:30 8:10 8:00 8:15 8:35 8:20 2:41 2:43 2:55 2:47 7:12 7:00 7:18 7:45 7:28 8:30 8:20 8:35 8:55 8:40 3:41 3:30 3:43 3:55 3:47 8:12 8:00 8:18 8:45 8:28 8:50 8:40 8:55 9:15 9:00 4:41 4:30 4:43 4:55 4:47 9:12 9:00 9:18 9:45 9:28 9:10 9:00 9:15 9:35 9:20 5:41 5:30 5:43 5:55 5:47 10:12 10:00 10:18 10:45 10:28 9:30 9:20 9:35 9:55 9:40 6:41 6:30 6:43 6:55 6:47 11:00 PM 11:12 PM 11:18 PM 11:28 PM 11:45 PM 7:30 9:50 9:40 9:55 10:15 10:00 7:41 7:43 7:55 7:47 12:00 AM 12:12 AM 12:18 AM 12:28 AM 12:45 AM 8:30 10:10 10:00 10:15 10:35 10:20 8:41 8:43 8:55 8:47 1:12 1:00 1:18 1:45 1:28 10:30 10:20 10:35 10:55 10:40 9:41 9:30 9:43 9:55 9:47 2:12 2:00 2:18 2:45 2:28 10:50 10:40 10:55 11:15 11:00 10:41 10:30 10:43 10:55 10:47 3:12 3:00 3:18 3:45 3:28 11:10 11:00 11:15 11:35 11:20 11:41 11:30 11:43 11:55 11:47 11:30 11:20 11:35 Darkened Runs Friday Only 11:40 PM 11:55 PM Darkened Runs Sunday Only 11:40 PM 11:50 PM 11:55 PM 12:00 AM 12:15 AM Saturday - Sunday 12:00 AM 12:10 AM 12:15 AM 12:20 12:35 Oakdale Mall 12:30 12:20 12:35 12:55 Leaves Union Main+Floral Leroy+Murray Tompkins+Conklin Returns 12:40 Monday - Friday Saturday - Sunday 10:30 10:42 10:48 10:58 11:15 AM Leaves Union Floral & Main Main & Murray Downtown Center Returns 11:30 AM 11:42 AM 11:48 AM 11:58 AM 12:15 PM Leaves Union Denny's Oakdale Mall Wegmans Returns 12:30 PM 12:42 PM 12:48 PM 12:58 PM 1:15 3:00 PM 3:03 PM 3:10 PM 3:15 PM 3:28 PM 9:15 9:05 9:20 9:40 9:25 1:42 1:30 1:48 2:15 1:58 4:03 4:00 4:10 4:28 4:15 10:15 10:05 10:20 10:25 AM 10:40 2:42 2:30 2:48 3:15 2:58 5:03 5:00 5:10 5:28 5:15 11:05 AM 11:15 AM 11:20 AM 11:25 PM 11:40 AM 3:30 3:42 3:48 4:15 3:58 6:03 6:00 6:10 6:28 6:15 12:05 PM 12:15 PM 12:20 PM 12:25 12:40 PM 4:30 4:42 4:48 5:15 4:58 7:03 7:00 7:10 7:28 7:15 1:15 1:05 1:20 1:40 1:25 5:42 5:30 5:48 6:15 5:58 8:03 8:00 8:10 8:28 8:15 2:15 2:05 2:20 2:40 2:25 6:42 6:30 6:48 7:15 6:58 9:03 9:00 9:10 9:28 9:15 3:15 3:05 3:20 3:40 3:25 7:42 7:30 7:48 8:15 7:58 10:03 10:00 10:10 10:28 10:15 4:15 4:05 4:20 4:40 4:25 8:42 8:30 8:48 9:15 8:58 11:03 11:00 11:10 11:28 11:15 5:15 5:05 5:20 5:40 5:25 9:42 9:30 9:48 10:15 9:58 Darkened Runs Monday - Thursday Only 6:15 6:05 6:20 6:40 6:25 10:42 10:30 10:48 11:15 PM 10:58 7:15 7:05 7:20 7:40 7:25 11:30 PM 11:42 PM 11:48 PM 11:58 PM 12:15 AM Saturday - Sunday 8:15 8:05 8:20 8:40 8:25 12:00 AM 12:12 AM 12:18 AM 12:28 AM 12:45 Leaves Union Denny's Oakdale Mall Wegmans Returns 9:15 9:05 9:20 9:40 9:25 1:12 1:00 1:18 1:45 1:28 10:15 10:05 10:20 10:25 PM 10:40 10:03 10:00 10:10 10:28 10:15 2:12 2:00 2:18 2:45 2:28 11:05 PM 11:15 PM 11:20 PM 11:25 AM 11:40 PM 3:00 AM AM AM AM 11:03 11:00 11:10 11:28 AM 11:15 3:12 3:18 3:45 3:28 12:05 AM 12:15 AM 12:20 AM 12:25 12:40 AM PM PM PM PM 12:03 12:00 12:10 12:28 PM 12:15 Darkened Runs Saturday Only 1:03 1:00 1:10 1:28 1:15 Student-operated and managed since 1971, OCC 2:03 2:00 2:10 2:28 2:15 Transport is currently hiring bus monitors and In cases of snow emergencies, OCC Transport will implement a temporary snow schedule. Snow 3:03 3:00 3:10 3:28 3:15 drivers. We offer competitive pay and an exciting, 4:03 4:00 4:10 4:28 4:15 schedule and information can be found at the Snow fast-paced work environment. Check our website for 5:03 5:00 5:10 5:28 5:15 & Inclement Weather page of our website. more info! http://occtransport.org 6:03 6:00 6:10 6:28 6:15 7:03 7:00 7:10 7:28 7:15 8:03 8:00 8:10 8:28 Want text updates? Text "follow @OCCT" to 40404. After midnight on Friday and Saturday nights, buses 8:15 9:03 9:00 9:10 9:28 9:15 To unsubscribe, text "off @OCCT" to 40404. are full once all seats are taken. No standing or exceptions. 10:03 10:00 10:10 10:28 10:15 Standard text message rates apply. Darkened Runs Sunday Only Off Campus College Transport, Inc.
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