Sophomore girl makes Facebook album, "Springhamton!!"
University bulldozes C4 to build C5
Baxter comes out as Bearcurious?
THE Tuesday, THE April 2, THE 2013 | Vestal Parkway University | www.THEpipedream.org | Vol. 4.56735420938476, Issue THE
New WiFi network BUinsecure launches Campus sets up internet for less confident student use Viking Lord Helmet Drinker
Frat Bro Mikey "Drinks a lot" Smith
University President Harvey Stenger poses with his Alpha Sigma Phi brothers after hosting the craziest beer bash in fraternity history.
Stenger hosts at Alpha Sig Things escalate quickly when BU president rolls through Kendrick Lamar Kendrick have a dream The brothers of Alpha Sigma Phi were excited when their fellow brother Harvey Stenger showed up last Saturday night to host a party with the fraternity. But partygoers and brothers underestimated Stenger, and things got out of hand quickly. “What happened Saturday night?” Alpha Sig brother Ezra Shapiro said. “All I remember is there was a giraffe, an entire family of midgets and a bouncy castle.
Then I blacked out.” Shapiro was not alone; every single brother reported losing memory at some point during the night. “The last thing I remember was peeing off the balcony next to President Stenger,” said Joe Khoury, or Neil, we’re not really sure. “We were competing for distance.” The majority of brothers and partygoers passed out before making it to the bars, but Stenger wasn’t done. He brought the party to State Street, playing a DJ set at both Paradigm and The Rathskellar
Pub. He was later seen dancing on the bar and spinning the shot wheel at Tom & Marty’s. “I wish Rasa were alive to see me now,” Stenger said as he busted a move on the counter. “He just jumped up there, and there was no stopping him,” tweeted Larry Shea, owner of Tom and Marty’s, who closed out Stenger’s bar tab free of charge. “Any man with moves like that has my respect.” Andrew Urso, owner of The Rathskellar and Pasquale’s Pizza, said Stenger stopped into his pizza shop after the bars on State Street
closed. “He bought pizza for everyone in line,” Urso said. “But then he started going up to girls and asking them to ‘let me see you twerk.’” After a night of clubbing, dancing and Alpha Sig bonding, President Stenger hailed a cab back to campus with seven sophomore girls. They reportedly spent the duration of the cab ride complimenting each other and capped the night off with pizza logs at the Hinman Nite Owl. “It was the perfect night,” Stenger said. “Can’t wait to do it again next weekend.”
After complaints about the wireless network BUsecure, Binghamton University is launching the new WiFi network, BUinsecure. The network is targeted at students less confident in their Internet browsing and campus significance. “I’m only an English major, so I don’t feel like I should be using BUsecure when there are so many engineers who need it more than me,” said Gretchen Nace, a freshman double-majoring in English and mediocrity. Administrators said they hope to launch BUinsecure in time for spring, when the looming bikini season brings self-esteem to its annual low. “We hope we can play off of students’ diminished body image to get a strong student base using the network,” said a representative from the Computer Center who wished to remain anonymous because he does not feel important enough to be named. BUinsecure will put a limit on the time students are allowed to spend on the Internet each day to avoid overcrowding on the network.
Students will automatically be logged off after they have exceeded their allotted time, which is determined by students’ level of selfconfidence. Students interested in joining the BUinsecure network can sign up to have their self-confidence evaluated and determine whether or not they qualify to use it. “I answered ‘somewhat’ when they asked how comfortable I am changing in front of others in the locker room, so I didn’t qualify for BUinsecure,” said Harry Longnut, an undeclared junior. “I guess I’ll have to tell my dad I didn’t make the cut, again.” The Computer Center plans to advertise the new network to campus groups they think would be likely to join, including the Eating Awareness Coalition, Rainbow Pride Union, Women’s Student Union and WHRW. The University Counseling Center said that any students dealing with insecurities can go fuck themselves because “we have better things to do.”
President behind Bing-U Secrets
One-sided rivalry: Cornell vs BU
Stenger reveals himself as site's creator
Cornell students don't actually know we exist
Kevin Panda Liu Get At Me
The creator of the viral Facebook page “Bing-U Secrets” revealed himself last night as Binghamton University President Harvey Stenger. “I decided to create Bing-U Secrets because I just got tired of doing the same thing every day,” Stenger said. “Like making surprise dining hall appearances, attending RA events and running with random students at 6 a.m. I hate running. Bing-U Secrets is the real me.” President Stenger also revealed that over half of Bing-U Secrets are actually his own secrets that he decided to share, including the following: #382: If those rude ass sorority girls in my class don’t stop talking over the professor, imma cut a bitch. #419: I listen to J-pop when I’m alone in my room. #404: is it me or does OCCT have some
good looking bus drivers? #406: Sometimes when I’m too lazy to take my wallet out to swipe my id to get into a building I’ll just rub my ass against the scanner if no one is around. “That one got 45 likes,” Stenger said as he smiled to himself. The page has accrued over 1,700 Facebook “likes.” “I love Bing-U Secrets. Over break, I spend like 5 hours browsing the secrets every day,” said a freshman who wished to remain anonymous because that’s embarrassing. “If I’d known how chill our president is, I never would have spread rumors around campus that he’s a racist.” Stenger isn’t done trying creative projects. The president has plans to create his own “Binghamton Crushes” page, “Binghamton memes,” and ”Ask Harvey,” a dating and life advice column. Stay tuned, they’ll be blowing up on Facebook this semester.
TOP STENGER SECRETS #355 Whenever there's a table in Hinman or C4 selling something or asking for donations, I do my best to avoid eye contact at all costs. #310 Sorority girls in c4: please fucking pay attention to where you're walking. If I get bumped into by one more of you puffy-coat wearing, starbucks drinking, iphonetoting retards, I'mma cut a bitch. Seriously though some of these are so rude. If ya couldnt tell already it's making me hella bitter #406 Sometimes when I'm too lazy to take my wallet out to swipe my id to get into a building I'll just rub my ass against the scanner if no one is around.
Some Smart Kid Too Poor For Cornell A recent survey addressing the rivalry between Binghamton University and Cornell University was conducted last week, bringing shocking results on both ends. Eighty percent of Binghamton University students consider Cornell University to be BU’s biggest rival, while 50 percent of Cornell students asked, “What is Binghamton University?” “I wasn’t sure whether they had sports or not, actually,” said one of the few Cornell students aware of BU. “And in terms of academics — I mean, come on.” Another 45 percent of students surveyed at Cornell didn’t even realize the city of Binghamton exists. “I’m not sure, I haven’t been to that Hampton yet,” another student said. Both schools draw a significant portion of their students from Long Island, which has helped
Long Island Jew
Despite Binghamton University students citing Cornell University as the school’s top rival, most Cornell students are “pretty sure” Binghamton doesn’t exist.
to make some Cornell students aware of BU. “My cleaning lady’s son goes there,” said a Cornell senior from Suffolk County. “I think.” Despite Cornell’s indifference toward Binghamton, a number of BU students said they will continue to stand behind the Bearcats as they take on Big Red.
“Fuck Cornell!” said Drew Barrett, a BU senior majoring in anthropology who was rejected from Cornell. “We don’t need their prestige or legitimate Ivy status or quaint college town!” The survey concluded that the only things the schools have in common were seasonal affective disorder and the Roscoe Diner.