Spring 2015 Pipe Bomb by Pipe Dream

PIPE BOMB

TEASER?

I barely know her! see page 69

A GUIDE TO MASTURBATING TO ‘THE REWRITE’ see page 0

Ignored on News Stands Since 1946

Wednesday, April 1, 2015 | Vol. LOL, Pipe Bomb | The New York Times | nytimes.com

Pharm school actually just meth lab Johnson City drug ring used to supplement SUNY 2020 funding Marion Dupree

“Alright, do you have the stuff,” Stenger said, referring to the list of revised demands that Students for Change hopes can provide a brighter atmosphere for minority groups underrepresented at the University. “Racism is a huge issue here, and we’re excited to finally get some answers from the

See DUSK Page 4

See METH Page 2

Stenger, Students for Change meet at dusk In abandoned parking lot, parties seek common ground Deep Throat

Freeman, Students for Change’s president. “You ain’t a fuckin’ cop are you. You have to tell me if you are.” After weeks of delaying a second meeting “Nah. We cool,” Freeman responded. with Students for Change, Binghamton Freeman said he was eager to work University President Harvey Stenger agreed through vital campus issues with the leader to meet with the leader of the group at dusk of the University’s administration, before on Monday. spraying the parking garage’s security “You wearing a wire?” Stenger asked Jesus cameras in the area with silly string. Contributing Writer

University approves increase in SAPB concert budget George Whipple New York 1

In a sudden turn of events, the Student Association Programming Board (SAPB) announcedthattheSpringFlingconcertwill now feature the musical stylings of Drake, Maroon 5 and Beyonce, among others. What had originally been planned as a concert co-headlined by The White Panda, Bad Rabbits and Sage the Gemini has turned into a full-blown music festival, according to Vice President for Programming Stephanie Zagreda. “We heard the complaints of the student body, and we knew we had to answer them,” Zagreda said. “I marched up to [Binghamton University President Harvey]

Cornell Mascot

Stating that he is the “one who knocks,” Binghamton University President Harvey Stenger announced last Friday that the new pharmacy school is actually just a home base for his everexpanding methamphetamine empire. The University has had a meth business for decades, as Binghamton is one of the largest meth capitals in the country. “We’re growing towards the future,” Stenger said. “What began as Harpur College slowly grew into something so much more. Through the initial steps to this project, we’ve already seen that our students can change the world with what they have learned here, but more importantly, they’ve changed the way that drugs are made and traded throughout the country and beyond. They are enhancing their brains through study, and decaying their bodies through injection. We couldn’t be prouder.” The new school has been a combined effort of multiple disciplines within the

Brandon Stanton/HONY

Baxter, 15, was known for school spirit, Mascot Madness win Big Red

Pipe Bomb News

President Harvey Stenger waits for Students for Change in the parking garage at dusk.

Binghamton remembers fallen mascot

SPRING FLING 2015

Kanye West Beyonce Maroon 5

Baxter the Bearcat, Binghamton University’s beloved mascot, has passed away. He was 15 years old. President Harvey Stenger announced Baxter’s death in a hastily organized news conference Saturday morning. “It is with a heavy heart that I inform you all that Baxter is gone,” said a visibly upset Stenger. “He was a vital part of this University and will be deeply missed.” Baxter was taken to Lourdes Hospital Friday evening after collapsing in his mansion on Riverside Drive. He died surrounded by his wife, Pauline, as well as his two sons, Oliver and Sebastian. “He exercised, never touched a cigarette in his life,” his wife said. “He would have a glass of wine now and again, but who wouldn’t?” According to Stenger, Baxter had been battling feline leukemia since midOctober. “It’s just something that happens when Bearcats get old,” Stenger said. “Fortunately, Baxter lived a long and healthy life.” Baxter’s death has sent shock waves through the mascot community. Wolfie the Seawolf, who represents Stony Brook University, said he was shocked to hear of his friend’s death. “I spoke to him just last week, you know?” Wolfie said. “He was in high spirits and I really thought he was turning a corner. When I got the call, I just couldn’t believe it. The way he plowed through Mascot Madness last year was just unbelievable. I felt lucky to even be sharing

Drake Ed Sheeran Kendrick Lamar Sam Smith One Direction Fall Out Boy The Weeknd The Black Keys Of Monsters & Men The Killers

Flume Delicate Stevy Brand New

21 Pilots Chvrches Bad Suns DJ Mr Nasty Migos Chromeo Nickelback Adam Lanza/Not The Mass-Murderer

See FLING Page 4

Baxter the Bearcat with a throbbing erection

See BAXTER Page 4

Jacques Fisher unmasked as world-famous porn star TEDx talk against masturbation, pornography an attempt to conceal identity

When I watch porn, I want to watch two strangers fuck, until one or both of them suffers brain damage —Louis Spain BU super-senior

Manuel Ferrer Beast in the Sack

It started as a simple PornHub search: “sexy college dudes brainmelting-orgasms.” The results would change Binghamton University forever. Many know Jaques Fisher as a TEDx speaker and outspoken antiporn activist. He has started online movements and written extensively against pornography on the grounds that it is sexist, morally wrong and harmful to college students’ expectations of sex and sexuality. He has gone so far as to encourage not only students, but the entire online Reddit community to give up masturbating all together. This is why no one expected the real reason he was cautioning his peers away from sexually explicit material. He has starred in over 140 adult films. As it turns out, Fisher was not preaching against pornography on religious or moral grounds, but was in fact trying to conceal his identity as one of the most prolific adult film stars, going by the alias of Harley Looselips. “I was shocked,” said Gale Ingber, who was totally watching porn to check something for a friend. “I was

inspired by his TEDx speech, but when I saw him in ‘Bartle Butt-Explorers 12’ I was shocked.” Until his TEDx debut, Fisher had remained relatively anonymous. But after taking the stage, many of Binghamton’s most prolific fappers put the spotlight on his alter ego. “When I watch porn, I want to watch two strangers fuck until one or both of them suffers brain damage,” said Louis Spain, a super-senior majoring in some bullshit and a self-proclaimed porn connoisseur. “But watching the kid from ECON 118 put a poor girl in a coma with his Olympic-sized cock? That’s just immoral and gross. Shame on him.” When approached about his porn stardom, Fisher defended himself. “Watching porn is toxic and ruins American families" he said. "But acting in porn is fucking sick, bro. Do you see the chicks I get to bang? One-hundred percent real tits, too.” The female members of the TEDx board have begun an unofficial review and have begun to watch his videos individually, for around 30 minutes apiece, to check if he’s been a naughty boy. Fisher is set to star in 2016’s “Binghamton TEDXXX” as “President Hard-On Strangler.”

Terry Richardson/Creepy Uncle Pictured: Binghamton's babies enjoy the top-ranked daycare in the Southern Tier.

Tom & Marty's ranked best day care in the Southern Tier

Binghamton's favorite haunt to provide respite for working moms, students looking to ditch kids Rich David

Binghamton Mayor Freshmen and babies alike now have a brand new place to call home in Binghamton, New York. In what has recently been named the “Premier Public Day Care of State Street,” Tom & Marty’s Town House + Childcare has been seeing a surge of new patrons. Starting March 31, management at the local bar introduced its new “Hot Totty and Toddlers program,” providing four

hours worth of care for locals looking to relax, catch up on homework, go to work or get blackout on Long Island Iced Teas. “What’s so great about this program is what it will do for both parents and students alike,” said Larry Shea, head educational supervisor and DJ for the program. “Parents have time to do work and drugs, and students don’t need to hear a freshman request another fucking LMFAO song.”

See DRINK Page 4

NUDES

nytimes.com | April 1, 2015

Administrators exposed in intimate email uncovering

WORD ON THE STREET After a tense meeting about improving diversity on campus, BU President Harvey Stenger walked out of a meeting with Students for Change. What do you think?

Against all odds, University students find late-night love “I find it inconceivable that President Stenger can make time for this meeting, but has not come to LARP with me once.” —Rosa Feinbaum, senior majoring in chronology

“I’m mixed. I think that it was an incredibly disrespectful gesture to people with sensitive concerns. Even if those activists were disorganized, they had a right to be heard. On the other hand, I am a huge anti-semite.” —Mel Gibson, actor

“I think that he deserves a lot of credit for all the hard work he has done. You know I heard he personally tends to every tree in the Nature Preserve.” —Starvey Henger, gardening enthusiast

“Big deal, I’m running for president.” —Ted Cruz, tie salesman

After responding to rendevous requests on Yik Yak, two juniors get real-life romance

CIW Hottie

HMU 4 My Kik For those wondering if their pleas for romance/fellatio will ever be answered, get your Kiks and Instagram DMs ready — two Binghamton University juniors have announced their engagement after responding to a Yik Yak post. Emily Raccona, majoring in interpretive dance, and Cosmo Scharf, double-majoring in finance and sociology, met when Scharf posted on popular social media app Yik Yak around 3 a.m. on a Saturday early this semester. “I was wondering if anyone in UP 300 wanted to fuck,” he said. “It’s the same thing I post every weekend after I get back from The Rat but that time, I just got lucky. Luckier than I could have ever hoped to be.”

Racoona said she was doing what she always does when she feels lonely — scrolling through Yik Yak looking for other equally desperate singles. “It was love at first upvote,” she said. “There were other comments, like, ‘Male or Female?’ or ‘Into anal?’ but the only question I had to ask was ‘Where u @,’ because I knew he was the one.” After deciding to meet up behind the sushi place with great half-off deals on Mondays, Acuna and Scharf turned off their phones, and turned each other on. The wedding is set for late June. Since then, they both say they have deleted not only Tinder, but Grindr, Hinge and Down as well. “I don’t want social media to ruin the beautiful thing it has created,” she said. “But I won’t delete Yik Yak. This Students for Change bullshit is just too funny.”

Pharmacy school revealed as cover for Binghamton University meth lab METH continued from Page 1 University, with Stenger as the balding mastermind behind it all. “We’ve got our economics department dealing with the funds, SOM on advertising and distribution, and of course, the chemistry department is making the actual shit,” commented Provost Donald Nieman. “It started out as just a little side project for

me and the president, something to just keep us occupied, you know? But now we see how profitable and educational it can be for everyone.” Additionally, the College of Community and Public Affairs will be employed to deal with families after the effects of drugs have ruined their lives. Students are excited by the possibility of combining hobbies with serious academic studies.

“Yo, Mister Stenger, he knows how to move product,” said Tuco Pinkman, a sophomore majoring in the Trap. “He makes capital, bitch.” On the other hand, local meth dealers believe that Stenger’s move infringes on local businesses. “GAHAAAGAHAGA,” said local meth dealer Frankie T. This building is a continuation of the efforts that the University

has made to put itself on the forefront of drug producers in the Northeast. While the University sent out an email in the beginning of the semester informing students about how to spot a “meth house,” sources have confirmed that this was actually meant as a diversion from the new construction. When asked how this will improve student life, Stenger said he was not interested in student

involvement. “I never did this for the students. I did this for me.” To gain support from the community, administrators have been going around campus and Downtown, handing out pharmacy school swag, including key chains and crackpipes. “It’s all about learning, achieving and drugs,” said Stenger, before arranging his disappearance. “Well, mostly drugs.”

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Dickinson buildings revealed to reflect names of officials' personal genitalia Carlos Danger You Get The Joke

A series of leaked emails between administrators has revealed all buildings in the Dickinson Community were named after the male reproductive organs of past and current faculty members. The emails, which total over 3,000, documented conversations between President Harvey Stenger, Provost Donald Nieman, Vice President for Student Affairs Brian Rose and many others discussing the names given to their appendages during their more intimate moments. “LOL my wife calls it Whitney bcuz Whitney Houston is like, all over our Pandora sex playlist,” read an email from Donald Loewen, vice provost for undergraduate education, to Rose. “We can pretend it’s sumthing relevant, rite??” The emails were accidentally sent to every active BMail address when a group of three Davis College students, posing as HackBU participants, infiltrated the server and searched “dick pic” on Stenger’s personal email account. “All I wanted to do was check B-Line,” said Sophia Buckle, a freshman who thinks she can handle her integrative neuroscience major. “I really did not want to know that [Chief Diversity Officer] Valerie Hampton calls her strap-on Johnson. That’s not even original.” Harlon Kylie, a sophomore majoring in women, gender and sexuality studies, has spearheaded the campaign to read through and log the names and suggestions listed in the emails. She said the discovery was an affront to the integrity of the University. “I find it disgusting,” Kylie said, referring to Vice President for Advancement Jim Broschart’s name for his member. “I can’t believe the people we have in charge could be so immature. Or the fact that they are all such old white men that even their penises are named something old and Irish sounding like O’Connor. Aren’t we supposed to be aiming for cultural competency?” The emails ranged from romantic proclamations of love to sexual preferences; Sheila Doyle, director of the Binghamton University Foundation, reportedly commented on the upkeep of her husband of 20 years’ unit to Vice President for Operations JoAnn Navarro. “He absolutely RAFUSES-ES to manscape!!!! Idk how to tell him im just not into it,” Doyle wrote in an email. “Men. Smh.” The administration has declined to comment.

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PAGE 3 Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Address: Gates of Hell 69 Dante Dr. Vestal, N.Y. 66666 Phone: Just text us FAx: It's 2015 Web: wwwwwwwwwwwww

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Gosh, that's embarassing!

University to enroll 30,000 robots as “30 by 3030” plan, says Nieman Billy Baldwin’s brother to star in movie HackBU canceled due to shitty Wi-Fi reception Tour guides injected with truth serum, subsequently fired Students for Justice in Palestine upset that they are no longer the most annoying group on campus The Colonial changes name to Post-Colonial Marketplace now serves only chicken margherita sandwiches Mother rubs Pipe Nightmare on back after he wakes up from a bad dream (at midnight). “Shh, it’s okay” 20 die in LARP battle, respawn five minutes later “The Original 5” arrested for war crimes University announces Pantone 7544 to be “Binghamton Gray” Students win HackBU with hilarious “I’m Gay” status Bing Stand Up and Binghamton Review to team up for nonstop yuks White smoke over Library Tower reveals new VPMA has been chosen “Have you even heard ‘Lose Yourself?’” — The Alex Liu Story BUZO has falafel and shwarma event: “this is all Israel is,” they say with fake smiles Students start Spaghetti2ScienceLibrary Binghamton Application with new questions “Why is Binghamton your second choice?” Milton Chester elected VPMA Milton Chester announces “Milton Chester Line for all his emails

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Due to a typo, this email meant for BUZO (the Binghamton University Zionist Organization) was sent to BU Zoo last weekend, causing the entire school spirit squad to come and yell at SJP at their annual apartheid protest. Said Mandrew Foso of the BU Zoo, “Yeah I was confused by the email, but I figured it was just supposed to be #bearcatsisREAL. Whatever. BEARCATS FOR LIFE! WHOOOOOO!”

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This Day in History April 1, 2012:

Your mom chokes back tears as she tells you that the family won’t be able to afford NYU, so you’ll have to attend Binghamton University.

Asst. dAncer *clapclapclap* throbbing erection *Turns red* Fishnets sick oF our shit* Wants to just leave already tycho@canIhavemyparkingpass.now no Exposition

Police Watch Racism is Nothing to Joke About Police responded to a report from resident assistants in College-in-the-Woods that a marijuana odor was coming from a room in Oneida, according to UPD. The responding officers, fully prepared to smash in the door and intimidate the students inside, quickly realized that no brutality would be necessary. When they opened the door, they realized the students in question were white, and would receive no official reprimand. The officers, after speaking with Brad Johnson III, decided that he wasn’t a criminal and reportedly told him that “it’s chill.” Bartle Burglary Police were rather annoyed after responding to a claim of a robbery in Glenn G. Bartle Library Friday afternoon, where they met a young woman whose “heart had been stolen” by a mysterious male stranger. When asked if anything of monetary value had been stolen, the female responded, “Do all of my feelings count as valuable?” You Asked For It UPD officers were reportedly flabbergasted that a female student had the gall to come to the station and report that her bag had been “stolen” from the Marketplace. “This bitch leaves her bag next to a

hogWArts grAd* Runs shit plzfix@everything.webrokeit

A darker take on campus murders Officer Hot Cop | Sexy Police Officer

chair for six fucking hours and is surprised when it’s gone?” asked the police chief. “I mean, what the fuck did you expect would happen? Someone would put a nice note on it and hold it for you? You’re not in Kansas anymore, sweetheart.” At press time, officers were reportedly looking around campus for it, but said that it was “like finding a needle in a fucking haystack.” Hunchback of the Clock Tower This past Saturday, campus physical facilities found and captured the notorious “hunchback of the clock tower,” discovering that he was actually a homeless, seventh-year sociology grad student. Jason Clurk, 29, has been spotted by several students all over campus for the past two semesters. Surviving only off of samples at Red Mango (he recommends the pomegranate), Clurk said he just couldn’t afford rent for a regular apartment. “Well what the fuck kind of job did you guys expect me to get with a sociology degree?” yelled a disgruntled Clurk. “Okay, mom, you were fucking right. Okay.”At the time of the discovery, physical facilities workers found him sleeping between the fourth and fifth rungs of green bars, clinging to life and talking about postcolonial power structures in his sleep.

“This is one of the greatest tragedies of the decade. For the people of France, Spain and Germany, as well as the rest of the world, my heart goes out to you. I promise you all: We will move forward from this” — U.S. President Barack Obama, on the departure of Zayn Malik from the boy band One Direction.

Corrections If you find any mistakes, you can go fuck yourself. Seriously, we don't care. It's a joke issue. Leave us alone.

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ecoterrorist* Sugar mamma astoldby@ginger.nick Pipe Bomb is published by whoever is in the Pipe Bomb office the night before it's produced. It's rly fun, We're also better than you. And super super chill. Date us. *Positions denoted by an asterisk had an orgy last night. Everyone else missed out. Pipe Bomb is published more frequently than the Binghamton Review. Pipe Bomb accepts stimulating, original guest columns, but we'd rather you don't send them in because no one wants to fucking read them. Ugh. Submissions must include the writer’s job after graduation, grandfather's neighbor's maiden name, a few fistfulls of lint, and a happy handjob. No sad handjobs permitted. We're not sure why they're so popular. Anonymous submissions are not accepted. Do not submit poetry. We won't read it. No one will. Any facts referenced must be properly cited. Ask your TA for help if you don't know how. If you know a good drug dealer, hit us up. All writers become property of Pipe Bomb. It's not that bad, though. Free pizza and the occasional ritual animal slaughter (goats). Virgins welcome, but lol, get with it. Submissions may be sent by fslcon to the Falcon Master at falcon.master@optimum. net. Follow @JayShams and @TheRealOdeya.

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NUDES

nytimes.com | April 1, 2015

Kanye, Maroon 5 coming for Spring Fling

Stenger walks out for Students for Change

FLING continued from Page 1

DUSK continued from Page 1

Stenger’s office and demanded that he give us the funds to put on the concert this University deserves. Needless to say, he acquiesced.” According to Zagreda, the president reluctantly agreed to grant her request for the $9.99 required to subscribe to Spotify Premium for the month of May. “I would have registered us for free with the 30-day trial,”

Zagreda explained, “but I already used mine earlier in the year when I wanted to listen to the new Imagine Dragons album.” Zagreda went on to say that she had originally wanted to sign up for the student premium subscription, which costs only $4.99, but encountered legal issues when she realized that students would not be the only ones attending the concert. Insider sources from the SAPB have confirmed to Pipe Dream that Zagreda’s playlist, entitled “Spring

I wanted to strike a careful balance between what people wanted, and not spending more than $10.00 Some Kid/We Just Gave Him a Camera

Stephanie Zagreda holds the Spring Fling headliner in her hand. Some of the artists playing include: Drake, Kanye West and Beyoncé!

—Stephanie Zagreda Vice President for Programming

Flinghamton!,” includes hit songs from Sam Smith, Kanye West, One Direction, Ed Sheeran and, for WHRW 90.5 FM, Delicate Steve. Joshua Saskin, a junior who’s still figuring it out, said he was ecstatic when he heard about the updated Spring Fling lineup. “This has the potential to be the best concert of the year,” Saskin said. “I was originally really upset when I saw the original artists, but then when I heard that they’ll be able to play any song in the Spotify library I was way happier.” However, the promise of nearly unlimited music has not pleased all BU students. Stefanie Herlihee, a sophomore majoring in being a doctor someday, said that there was still one artist students wouldn’t be able to see. “It’s fucking bullshit that they couldn’t get Taylor Swift,” Herlihee said. “Why in the world do I pay nearly 15 grand a year to go to this school if they can’t get the biggest music star in the world to come play our spring concert?” Zagreda, however, explained that it just wasn’t financially feasible to get Swift for the May festival. “Look, T. Swift’s new album costs $11.99 at Walmart,” Zagreda said. “We need to accept that — at a state school like Binghamton — there are some costs that we simply can’t afford.”

Build-a-beer tower, naptime at T&M's daycare DRINK continued from Page 1 The program is all inclusive, and for a small fee of $3 an hour, kids can build-a-beer tower, have snack time with leftover wings from Trivia and get a free shot token. “We introduced a ‘decorate your own flask’ activity, and the kids loved it,” Shea said. “They added googly eyes, used puffy paint, and were really given the opportunity to get in touch with their creative and alcoholic side.” Every hour, the counselors —

who also moonlight as bartenders — choose an activity by spinning the Tot wheel. Options include cherry bombs, Irish car bombs and nap time. “My favorite part of the day is called ‘fun with music,’” said Gigi Wilder, a counselor/bartender and record-holder for most shots taken in an hour. “We just play Pitbull on loop for two hours, but it’s educational because we play clips of Disney’s ‘Little Einsteins’ in the background. It’s so great for their self-esteem, every kid feels like Mr. 305 when the day

is done.” Of course, what would day care be without games? Attendees will play trivia, family feud, and duck duck Grey Goose. But don’t think that you can waltz into this day care willy nilly. Tom & Marty’s has proven to be the most exclusive establishment on State Street. “People have been clamoring for my services,” Shea said. “If you want to get in, you’ll need a proper ID . . . or at least a piece of paper cut into a rectangle the size of an ID.”

president, who has been opaque so far,” Freeman said as he signaled a sniper positioned atop the clock tower to back off for a little bit. As he took a long drag of his cigarette, Stenger said he promised to be forthcoming about what he intends for future University policy and will address all of the demands one by one. Provost Donald Nieman, donned in full ninja garb said he was “excited to work with students to further make Binghamton a diverse beacon of student life” as he positioned himself directly above Stenger and Freedman. After handing over the list, Freeman yelled “Go Go Go!” as hundreds of armed militant students of various minority groups and a few white girls appeared from unmarked SUVs. “Oh Harvey. Harvey, Harvey, Harvey,” Freeman said as he paced

back and forth, smiling to himself. “You know, I have to hand it to you. I was nervous when you walked out from your office. But I knew there was one thing that you couldn’t resist. The promise of making Binghamton a step ahead of the rest of the state schools as far as minority inclusion. You see, you meeting me here was my plan all along.” A brawl then ensued as thousands of Yik Yakkers jumped out of the shadows to join the melee, fighting for their right to spew whatever ridiculous racist bile they felt clever posting anonymously. Meanwhile, at College-in-theWoods, a crack team of misfits and ne’erdowellers led by Brian Rose, which included Eileen Head, Christine Gelineau and, surprisingly, Milton Chester, disguised as Sodexo workers broke into an anonymous Yik Yakker’s dorm room to ban him and

countless other despicable cretins from posting racially charged comments anonymously. “Now might be a good time to start hacking” said Gelineau to professor Head. “That’s my secret Captain,” Head said, as she whipped out a mini controller and crashed Yik Yak worldwide. “I’m always hacking.” As Freeman finished Stenger off with a katana blow to the stomach, a tear shed from his face, and he slowly peeled off the Mission Impossible style mask he was wearing to reveal SUNY Chancellor Nancy Zimpher. “Fall back! Fall back!” Freeman pleaded, as he realized it was too late. At press time the REAL Stenger was revealed to be in front of several computer monitors. “Good, good,” he said as he softly pet the white cat lying on his lap. At press time, BU had risen 12 spots on the Princeton Review’s ranking of public universities.

Baxter, BU's bearcat for life, dies at 15 BAXTER continued from Page 1 a bracket with him.” Joe Bruin, mascot of UCLA, said that he never had the opportunity to meet Baxter, but that the BU mascot was an influence nonetheless. “He was just one of those guys whose career you keep track of,” Bruin wrote in an email. “The mascot world has definitely lost one of its best and brightest.” Baxter’s career was not always so admirable, however. In 2009, he was arrested with the basketball team’s starting point guard Emanuel “Tiki” Mayben for selling crack cocaine. The charges were later dropped as no evidence could be found that Baxter had been involved in selling the narcotics. In 2001, there was the infamous “Bite,” when Baxter mauled a young Vermont fan after the Catamounts defeated Binghamton on a gamewinning buzzer-beater. He was suspended for the rest of the season, and subsequently checked himself

into rehab for anger management issues. Following the incident, he started The Baxter Foundation, which funds physical therapy treatments for children who have been attacked by exotic animals. Though his relationship with the administration has occasionally been rocky, Baxter has always been a fan favorite. Jeremy Bernsteen, a junior majoring in Netflix studies, said that Baxter helped him through his parents’ divorce. “It was a really difficult period in my life; I didn’t know what to do,” Bernsteen said. “But Baxter told me that his door was always open. I couldn’t tell you how many times I visited his office hours and just cried on his shoulder.” Matthew Perez, who was on the basketball team from 2003 to 2006, explained that Baxter was a major force who helped him conquer his substance abuse issues. “It was at the point where I

couldn’t get out of bed unless I had a drink first,” Perez said. “And then Mr. Baxter came in and told me ‘Kid, you’ve got a lot to live for. Don’t make me watch you throw it all away.’” According to Perez, that conversation with Baxter helped him turn his life around. “After that, he became my support system,” Perez said. “Mr. Baxter just cared so much. Honestly, he was more like a dad to me than my own father was.” Stenger announced that Baxter will be buried at an undisclosed location in the Nature Preserve, and added that his jersey will be hung from the rafters at the Events Center. At the press conference, Stenger also announced that the University will begin the search for Binghamton’s next mascot. Insiders say the University is trying to cut costs by finding a mascot who will accept less than Baxter’s rumored $500,000 annual salary. Billy the Beaver is said to be the frontrunner.

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“I am not my gay erotica”

“I am not what has been missing”

“I am not my body count”

“I am the token black guy”

“No, yeah, I just smoke a lot of weed”

“NO I aM NOT I PROMISE”

“I am not my male lactation”

BEST SECTION Highbrow af

Which Binghamton folk hero are you? Binghamton's characters are universal—slot yourself into one of these sterotypes and compare yourself to your friend David Sedaris | Also from Binghamton Binghamton, New York! Once called the Valley of Opportunity, this city is now as barren as Lecture Hall on a Friday. But even in the rust belt, there’s local color and a few folk heroes who make us proud to be Bearcats. Which local Binghamton folk hero are you? Take this quiz to find out. It’s Friday night. Where you at? A) Petting a therapy dog at

Late Nite Binghamton B) Thinking about how small your dick is C) Funneling lokos with your boys at 5 Main St. D) Lying in a Riverside pothole waiting for a Volkswagen Beetle to run over you E) Tripping in the Nature Preserve wait are you the cops? There’re no unavailable spots in the Pods. What do you do? A) PUNCH THAT SLEEPING ASSHOLE IN THE FACE B) Go on that website no one

uses to find out which Pods are Chomp chomp. B) Not quite enough SAEPi free E) 3 C) Almost Mediterranean C) Build your own Pod out of If you could replace the D) Best economy spit, semen and snow Dickinson Object with an E) Platonic. Like Plato, get it? D) Fuck it, what homework? object of your choosing, Do you follow your friend E) Burn down the library what the fuck would you put to The Rat or let her go fuck How many licks does it there? herself? take to get to the center A) A bust of Hugh Grant A) Yes of Harvey Stenger’s cold, B) A fleshlight made of Ingrid B) No unfeeling heart? Michaelson C) Let her contract HPV. A) A sad handjob C) Baxter fucking a unicorn You don’t really care about her B) 94 D) A regular jungle gym anyways. C) He wouldn’t be down for E) A DICK IN A SON LOL D) Why would anyone go cunnilingus Your thoughts on Greek there D) Licks? LMAO Stenger is yogurt? E) Like why? too kinky for genteel affection. A) Too Hercules Transfer to Cornell or nah?

A) *nervous laughter* B) I didn’t apply C) I applied, but Bing was cheaper D) I applied, but “Big Red” reminds me too much of menstruation E) I can succeed wherever I am! Mostly A: Baxter Mostly B: Rasa Mostly C: Conrad Taylor Mostly D: Larry Shea Mostly E: Rod Serling

Thwart annoying hammockers Shit Binghamton administrators said I'll ham you in the fucking face if you don't get off and stand Listen to us | (Psst, we're really Release) It’s the most wonderful time of the year: Springhamton. And you know what that means: The worst Binghamton University students come out from the shadows and hang hammocks in the most public areas of campus. Whether it’s 50 degrees or overcast, these dirty, wannabe hippies need everyone to look at them and revel in their “good vibes.” In the worst case scenario, they might even invite you to join in the fun and “hang out.” This week, Release helps you devise a comprehensive plan to put these smelly parasites in check. 1) Set that hemp the fuck on fire — These losers take every chance to remind you that hemp is a boon to the economy. Another great hemp quality is that it’s flammable as fuck. Put on a passive, aloof facial expression like you just emerged from a chill ass 45-minute mediation sesh in the Food Co-Op. That way you won’t seem threatening.

Offer your lighter because lord knows these loungers will be smoking grass. While they’re busy discussing Eckhart Tolle’s “The Power of Now” or playing with dandelions, set that lighter to the flame and hop off. Sing “We Didn’t Start the Fire” as you march off your to SOM class you didn’t bother studying for. 2) Throw a pair of LED hula-hoops in front of the hammock — The only more attention-seeking hobby than hammocking is hula-hooping. This is a perfect opportunity for heady babes to show off those abs that you secretly lust for while simultaneously hating everything about them. If you’re feeling really fancy, throw in a GoPro on the off chance they’ll go to Burning Man and upload the video to YouTube for you to watch 500 times in a row, because fuck them, right? 3) Long board into them — Throw on your leopard fedora and start cruisin’ down the Spine with little regard for the casualties you bludgeon

along the way. The world is your “Grand Theft Auto 5” and the rest of us are just living in it. Force the young chap holding his girlfriend’s purse to fall into the Pegasus statue. 4) Find that kid playing his sax on the Dickinson Object and smash it over their heads — Give new meaning to the term “Basshead.” Maybe it’ll actually make Bassnectar’s newest album tolerable to listen to. 5) Talk about your postgraduate employment — You’re working for a bank or Lockheed Martin? You’re making a starting salary of $80k per year? If you’re not working on an organic farm or moving back home to Brooklyn to live off of your parents and attend warehouse raves, you are a part of the problem. To add salt, talk about how much you love capitalism and how you can’t wait to ball out. Sit your ass down in that hammock and man spread harder than a 45-year-old off-duty NYPD officer wearing XXL sweatpants on the subway.

“Woof, woof, fuck you Stony Brook.” —Baxter the Bearcat, on chemistry research being done at competing SUNY schools

“Ties are just the nooses approved by society. Be free.” —Donald “Don’t give a fuck” Nieman

“All of my scholarship has led me to one conclusion: The KKK is still bad, but they should be allowed to exist, you know?” —Brian Rose, on looking at the stars at 4 a.m. and thinking deep thoughts

“I’m only here so I don’t get fined.” —President Harvey Stenger, greeting his secretary in the morning

“I think some people don’t deserve the same rights as regular people; there is such thing as positive discrimination.” —Valerie Hampton, chief diversity officer of the Office of Diversity, Equity and Inclusion, on LARPers

Conrad Taylor discovered to be ambitious 12-year-old kid

These things are called, in newspaper parlance, 'decks.' Some call them 'subheads,' but we're pros. Decks. Taylor's Younger Brother | Tattletale

In a shocking turn of events, Binghamton University freshman and Binghamton City Council candidate Conrad Taylor has been revealed to be a local seventh-grader. Taylor, 12, has been pretending to be an 18-year-old majoring in political science for over half a year following a mix-up at his older brother’s orientation. “I got separated from my

mommy and I ended up in line for an ID card,” said Taylor, who lives in Johnson City. “I thought it was pretty funny at first … until they placed me in CIW. But by then, it was too late.” The information was released this past Monday when an investigation began after an anonymous tipster alerted Binghamton officials that Taylor may be lying about his age after being spotted with Heelys and a rolling backpack on the Brain. Suspicions were quickly confirmed

after looking at him. Police revealed that Taylor was 12 years old when he was caught sneaking into an R-rated movie with two other 12-year-olds under a giant trench coat. “I don’t know how this kid slipped through the cracks,” said David Amzallag, chair of the Broome County Democratic Committee. “I guess BU is really just letting anyone in nowadays. Sad, really.” After wandering into a PLSC 111 class during the first week of

classes and participating regularly, professors and fellow political science majors suggested Taylor run for City Council. He made the perfect candidate due to his “astounding” maturity and intelligence compared to his peers at BU, according to professor Benjamin Nasko. “I really couldn’t be more surprised or disappointed,” Nasko said. “He really had a knack for politics. So it’s really strange that he’d also be so manipulative and such a natural liar.”

Taylor continued the masquerade for over a semester, becoming active in the school’s political community and supporting local organizations, such as Tom & Marty’s, which he got into with his roommate’s cousin’s brother’s expired fake ID. “I got to touch a girl’s boobs! I think I’ll make that part of my platform,” Taylor said. “People will vote for me then, right?” Taylor’s campaign staff is comprised entirely of students,

whose ages have since been validated by Council officials. Quin O’Grady, campaign manager and a junior majoring in political science, said he was surprised, but still hopeful they could cinch the race. “It’s Binghamton City Council,” O’Grady said. “Who cares.” “OH MY GOD. OH MY FUCKING GOD. OH MY GOD,” said Denise Sorensen, who went home with Taylor a few days ago. Sorensen proceeded to take a shower with all of her clothes on.

Crosbys to join powerful Men's Rights Activist group, Pegs not pleased Bing Crosby looks down from Heaven, slightly embrassed but also proud and not really sure if he should care Slate Thinkpiece | #notallmen The Crosbys, Binghamton’s oldest all-male a cappella group, has joined the International League of Mens’ Rights Activists. Bro McBruh, Crosby president — we think. Do they have president? How does a capella work? — said the group members were ready to fight for their right to be men, which

they say is and should be the dominant sex. “We’ve taken the red pill,” said McBruh, a senior in the individualized major program studying men’s studies, also known as literally all of history. The move isn’t unexpected. In the past few years, the Crosbys have completely eliminated altos from their group, ensuring that what they call the “weaker pussy males” won’t be in their group.

“They called me a beta and they expelled me,” said Marty Macfloo, a junior majoring in fiefdom. “I was hazed for nothing. It’s like we were never even fake friends.” Bella Knockick, a Crosby groupie and a freshman, just a fucking freshman, said she didn’t mind the change. “It’s basically always been like this for me,” Knockick said. “I just close my ears and wait ‘til

they stop talking.” The Crosbys have changed their motto from “brotherhood and fraternity” to “the first sex,” and revised their mission statement to include “we just want to be able to watch our kids in the park without people thinking we’re pedophiles.” Insiders suggest that the Crosbys are working to move the Harpur Harpeggios into further irrelevance, but no one’s sure if

that’s even possible. “The only thing that ribspawn care about is money,” McBruh said. “We’ll fuck them, but we won’t give them an inch. Except for our cocks. We have a bunch of inches there. Yards, even.” Binghamton University’s a cappella council met Thursday to discuss the Crosbys’ new changes, and voted on whether they should be permitted to perform at next semester’s Dollar

Show. They voted 10-1 (ugh, Koinonia) to allow them. “No one would come to the Dollar Show if the Crosbys didn’t perform,” said Donald Rickshaw, a cappella council president and a member of the Vibes. Koinonia has offered to take in any expelled Crosbys, citing charity principles, but no former Crosbys have expressed interest.

STILL THE BEST

April 1, 2015 | www.nytimes.com

WHRW playing owl noises for week 5 found dead in A subtle blend of Barn and Strigiformes over airwaves Union BTV studio Hoot | Carl Hiassen Since Saturday WHRW 90.5 FM has been filling the airways with the subtle and decadent sounds of hoots. Although not a single person has noticed, WHRW has been playing nonstop owl noises for the past 72 hours, and plans to continue for the next 180 hours as well. This new effort is an attempt to gain a bigger listenership among stoners, owls, nature lovers and anyone who has ever stepped inside the Food Co-op. “WHOOOO just WHOOOO has been Deejaying this week?” asked Erection Campbull, a junior majoring in ornithology and puns. “I’m totally into it. It’s earthy, it’s natural, it’s literally turned me nocturnal.” Chris Matthias, a sophomore

majoring in Christianity, who is also an owl, is the engineer for the owl show. He said it’s good to hear voices from the diverse student body. “It’s really difficult to manage this station with just talons, but WHRW’s E-Board has been really supportive and let me do it anyway,” Matthias said in hoots. “I’m allowed around all the equipment. Except the vinyls. They really don’t fuck around there.” “I just think it’s funny and like sort of ironic,” said Owen Chillwave, a DJ at the station and an SOM junior majoring in trying to get that Goldman Sachs internship. “It’s fresh and innovative, while still being totally old-school. It’s like a WHRW thing that we do. If you don’t get it it’s because WHRW is smarter than

you are.” “I don’t even listen to this shit,” said Daniel Cateroff, WHRW’s general manager and a senior majoring in crying. “I figured WHRW just played Mac DeMarco on repeat, except for whatever Mad Man Mark does.” The entire WHRW staff gathered together to softly laugh about how quirky and ironic they were at press time. “You know what else would be funny,” said Shawn Folby, who was interviewed because the writer’s draft of this article without it was 30 words too short and wasn’t allowed to finish her sentence because fuck you, Shawn. “I’d love to hear something else,” said Harry Godfried, a senior triple-majoring in English, the theatre and neuroscience. “Literally ANYTHING else. Owl

noises are so early 2015. I’m so over it. Donkey braying is way better. Nobody’s really listening to it, but it’s totally chill.”

This is college. I'm going to play whatever fucking animal noises I please. Fuck you FCC.

Frat party? More like shitty party Lasers? More like lamesers. Should've just gone to the Rat Literally a bag of garbage | Local Bro If you are looking for the time of your life next Saturday, I have six words for you: DO NOT go to Phi Mu Chi. Whatever, seven words. Go fuck yourself. I got invited to their annual “Phriday Phuckfest,” and while the Facebook event ensured me that it “would not disappoint,” here I am, disappointed, and definitely feeling phucked. I was promised four floors of madness. FOUR. Sure, I’ll give Mu Chi two floors of madness. Maybe the third was a bit wild. But saying four floors of madness is literally false advertising. The first floor was cool, and whoever the DJ was bumped all the best Bloody Beetroots hits. The

paint party was like an art gallery of drunk sorority girls. Dope. I totally could have scored but I was with my boys so I just posted up. So on to the second floor. Where was the fucking alcohol? Me and my boys took shots in Newing but that shit fades, you know? I came looking to get open bar drunk, and instead I got the kind of fake drunk that you do on Passover to look dope in front of your cousins. Aite, so I found the keg, but when I tried to get beer, it was just paint-filled foam. Yo how did the paint get up here? Like, honestly, for real the first floor was paint themed, this floor was a fucking Catalina Wine Mixer. On a side note, have you ever seen “Step Brothers”? Yo that movie is so fucking funny it has my boys Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly in it.

Jesus. Aite yo so I’ve got my alcohol, I’m like chilling with my fucking boys, we’re talking to some girls, whatever it’s chill. Yo but think about other things I was promised on this invite. Binghamton’s hottest sorority? Yeah, maybe the girls were tight but like I heard one of them hooked up with my boy Albert and like that shit’s fucked up so I’m not gonna touch that you know? The “brand new surround sound” that they claimed to have were just three brothers’ iHomes synced together. I guess that’s chill. So me and my boy Jeremy like line up to play beer pong but like there were two girls at the table. So we post up and try to make moves but they keep missing. Honestly it would have been chill but my other

Seuss

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boy Robby already called a cab back to campus so we had to bounce early. I moved to the third floor, hoping to find some redemption within the jungle juice. I met one of the brothers and he was mad chill and served me up a cup. I already told this other frat that I’d rush though and they had a mad chill Superbowl pregame so I kinda wanna pledge. Yeah so basically, the party was a total fucking bust. The best part of the evening was clearly Nite Owl. I got three burgers because I’m trying to gain some sick mass. It’s whatever. Yeah so Kaylee, the hot chick I met on the second floor, if you’re reading this, totally come thru. Broome 354. I’m DTF.

We didn't care. We don't care. We won't care. <3 PB Toyler Uppity | British Film Institute Five BTV members have been found dead in the BTV station in the New University Union basement. Officer Hot Cop, who found the bodies, said an accident caused the four students to be locked in the studio for three weeks before anyone noticed. Officer Cop found videos of BTV members that were broadcast to campus television screens, asking for help. In their first video, an anchor can be seen sheepishly calling for help. “Uh, so this is a little embarrassing, but it looks like we can’t get out of the office,” he said. “I know it’s unprofessional to be broadcasting this right now, but can someone please come to the New Union basement and open the door? Haha.” The final video is more

ominous. The initial anchor is seen dead and bloodied in the background. Another anchor, off-screen, bleated for help. “Please, I need real food,” the BTV member can be heard saying. “This isn’t a joke. Please.” Students were appalled to find out what happened. “I thought it was just another weird BTV show,” said Justin Krummelkoff, the only person who watches BTV. “What a shame.” Other students expressed overwhelming grief for both the loss of life and the loss of BTV’s creative capacity. “It’s sad, I guess,” said Bubblegum Pop, a freshman whose opinion doesn’t matter. “But I’m not really sure who they were. What’s ETV?” To date, no surviving BTV members can explain why the deceased didn’t just use email.

'PINIONS Wednesday, April 1, 2015

A Letter From the President

Underaged drinking is fine, go get fucked up

Preserve the Preserve

he University shouldn’t raze the Nature Preserve to build a giant ball pit.

The Nature Preserve is beautiful, and it’s one of the most ecologically diverse places in the area. Five different species of birds have been sighted in the past few decades, and a dozen species of butterflies, not to mention all the deer and the plants they eat. The University likes to say the Preserve was formally designated in 1969. But that land has been here for far longer, certainly since before humans arrived. It isn’t within our rights to call the Preserve a failure and worth destroying, as the administration has asserted. It should be here to stay. Building a giant ball pit would be a colossal waste of money. An inflatable 15-by15-foot ball pit costs $3,000. That’s $200 per square foot. Now, the Nature Preserve is 182 acres. Assuming the markets are stable enough so that the $200 per square foot price for a ball pit remains stable, it would cost $1,585,584,000 just for the raw ball pit material. And that doesn’t even factor in the enormous costs of

leveling the land, installation and maintenance — heating and cleaning. Furthermore, all of the displaced animals may wreak havoc for which the University may be responsible. Binghamton University’s endowment is $116 million. So it would cost nearly 14 times our endowment just for the materials. And then we’d have to deal with contractors for the additional enormous costs of razing and installation. Don’t believe us? Check our math. We dare you. And we’d be surprised if a giant ball pit would be profitable enough to justify its cost. We’d be surprised if it was profitable at all, in fact. Now, let’s talk about input. There’s no student demand whatsoever for a giant ball pit instead of the Nature Preserve. We haven’t heard of a single person in favor of it, in fact, and we are sure environmental experts would be against it. Proponents of the ball pit might say that it would be a novelty that would attract students and increase the

applications. But we don’t think that’s the case. Students don’t want it, and prospective students don’t want it either. Prospective students would see past the gimmick that it is and wouldn’t come here. It would be universally condemned as a massive waste. We have been down this road before. When the University tore down the Old Dickinson Community to put in a bouncy house, we went along with the idea. We bought into the notion that it would provide “stress relief” and would “help our GPAs.” Instead, we watched our dreams crumble as the project took years to complete and only attracted BU’s unsavory “drunk toddler” crowd. We can all agree that it’s a terrible idea to raze the Nature Preserve to build a giant ball pit. Maybe at some point in the future, we can figure out a way for the Nature Preserve and a ball pit to coexist. But right now, we should keep our Nature Preserve the way it is. Preserve the Preserve.

I came to college to find my waifu

Do not judge those in love with fictional characters Sweaty Mouth Breather

Sick Fuck

Some boys like girls. Some boys like boys. I’m in love with a fictional adolescent anime character named Mio Akiyama. And don’t you dare judge me for it. Mio was my waifu. For those not yet hip to the times, a waifu is a fictional character from non-live-action visual media that one is attracted to and considers a significant other. I love Mio because while I continue my studies with the hope of becoming a Japanese diplomat, she has the courage not only to stand up to haters but play bass in a light music band that inspires thousands. Before I arrived at Binghamton, I dreamed of an accepting, openminded environment where I could practice my Kaio Ken maneuvers with like-minded students. When my freshman year roommate asked to changed rooms after I sexiled him to hump my Japanese body pillow with Mio’s picture on it, my hopes were crushed.

The stress caused by my intolerant roommate put a damper on my relationship with Mio. Senpai and I fought constantly. She kept asking why I was embarrassed and refused to eat with her publicly in the C4 dining hall. She didn’t understand what it felt like when person after person told me to burn her body pillow in the Newing fire pit and download Tinder instead. One fateful evening, Mio called it off, saying she’s been carrying on an affair with Sayaka from Mah Sh jo Madoka Magica for months. I was devastated. I deleted all of our pictures on Facebook. I blocked all episodes of “KON!,” the anime on which she is prominently featured. Even in the midst of this breakup, no one took my love seriously, leaving me to suffer in silence. In a moment of desperation, I even humped a plain white pillow, caving in to the emptiness within my soul. Last year, a columnist wrote a piece describing her goal to find a husband during her years at Binghamton University. She was met with reproach and intolerance, but nothing close to the judgment I’ve received for my sexual attraction to two-

dimensional 15-year old girls. IT’S NOT PEDOPHILIA IF IT’S TWO-DIMENSIONAL LOVE. Open your minds people! It’s 2015! >.> While I came to college with the hopes of maintaining my relationship with Mio Akiyama, I am confident there is another waifu out there for me. Not many support my efforts to establish a welcoming community for young men and waifu. This fall, I submitted a charter for the creation of a “Waifu Pride Union.” Student Association Vice President Chris Zamlout returned the charter with a hastily scribbled comment, “You’re a fucking weirdo.” You’re entitled to your opinion Chris, but at least I’m not into puppet play. That’s just creepy. You and my friends might not understand, but that doesn’t mean I’ll submit to your intolerance. Same love. Andrew Hooksmith is a senior majoring in Japanese who swears he’ll graduate on time and definitely doesn’t “watch too much anime,” mom — Sweaty Mouth Breather is an undeclared super-senior

Dear Students, The second half of spring semester is my favorite time of year. So I want to welcome all of you, especially our transfers. I believe that you will find Binghamton University to be a vibrant place that challenges you academically and provides a wide range of social and cultural opportunities. During your time here I’ll be your biggest fan and supporter, and will do everything I can to help you succeed. Still, it would be naïve of me to believe that students, newly free of parental supervision, wouldn’t want to experience all that college life has to offer — and that sometimes “what college has to offer” includes things that are not sanctioned by the University. Go for it. We understand that for some, the social life of the campus can involve an active nightlife centered on the establishments located Downtown, even for those who are under 21. It’s fine. I don’t actually care. Drink all the fuck you want. Some may say, “Please don’t.” Excessive drinking, especially for those under age, diminishes the campus culture and can put individual students in real harm, some say. I disagree. Although our campus is a safe environment, excessive drinking, with all its potential problems — sickness,

violence, vandalism and dangerous behavior — is perhaps the greatest accomplishment our campus can achieve. Realistically, if you aren’t drinking, you make us all look bad. Drinking is cool. Don’t be a pussy. So I urge you to follow my wife Barbara’s advice to our children and her students: “Make smart choices.” When she says this, she means getting STUPIDLY crossed. Make decisions that better the quality of life for yourself and for those around you. At Binghamton, this is a fundamental part of our strategic plan, which commits us to providing a “transformative learning community that prepares students for getting super fucked up all the time.” College is a time for growth and discovery. I strongly encourage you to take advantage of the opportunities available to you. It’s easy to get into bars and buy alcohol underage if you have a fake ID, which doesn’t cost THAT much. The po-po advised me against having the University sell fake IDs, but there are other ways you can get them. Keep looking. Join a student organization, where you’ll befriend older members who can buy you liquor. Go to parties. Drink the punch. Fuck it. You’re still young. YOLO. — Harvoy Stangroy is an undeclared president

All your friends are drinking. You should go out and drink. Don't you want to be cool? Why are you even at college? Go have sex or something

Have an opinion? Go Fuck Yourself

OPINION

April 1, 2015 | nytimes.com

SFC & Stenger, just bang already Found my furry BDSM niche Break the tension with some french tongueing Stuffed Parrot

Literally a Stuffed Bird

Anyone on campus in recent weeks has noticed a lot of tension between the administration and the group Students for Change. A lot of people are saying that this is due to policy issues and are calling this environment one of “racial tension.” It’s time to call it what it really is: sexual tension. It clearly came to a head last week when Stenger walked out of a public forum, leaving members of Students for Change with their jaws dropped, begging — and aching — for more. For weeks they have called for transparency, begging Stenger to expose himself. Students waited for weeks for Stenger to cum — I mean come — to meetings, but under all the pressure he couldn’t deliver. Stop acting like second-graders who insult each other when they have a crush and act like

adults who hate-fuck each other after a few drinks. Students on this campus are getting sick of all the animosity between Stenger’s office and the Students for Change. Yik Yak has been flooded with people imploring both sides to drop the antics. It reflects poorly on our University to have all this fighting. Even students here for open house noticed the hot and sticky situation around campus. Obviously these two parties will never reach agreement on the issues; there is only one solution to stop the arguments and put and end to the conflict. Make out already. Seriously, guys. Just fuck. This is getting ridiculous. It’s obvious that that’s all you want, so just get it over with so we can all go back to discussing the things that really matter, like flatbread pizza in CIW. Really? No crust? That’s not pizza, that’s a cracker. But we can’t get down to business until you all stop using your words and start using your ~actions~. We are all sick of this shit.

Campus hasn’t seen a conflict this tense since BUZO and Students for Justice in Palestine were at each other’s throats last year. Let’s hope Stenger and SFC are able to find a similar twohole solution. — Stuffed Parrot was purchased at Goodwill for $3

I'm not gonna lie, I want to watch the two sides take each other to town and back

Fortunate to find others who believe sun is square Sexual Deviant

Cuntributing Columnist

In high school, I always felt shuttered by my quiet suburban community. I constantly felt the walls of conformity upon me, not letting me able to be myself. Everyone was the same, and no one was different. I couldn’t find my real home. At Binghamton University, I’m happy to say that I found my niche. And it is an underground polyamorous furry/BDSM cult who believes the sun is actually a square. All along, I knew I harbored these feelings. A circular sun just never felt right. Our computer and phone screens have corners — why would the sun be any different? When I heard there was an SA chartered “Students for Sun Squared” group on campus, I knew I had to come here. I joined fall semester of my freshman year, and I never looked back.

By my second semester, the club’s E-Board invited me to a party. “We know you’re open minded,” they said, weirdly in unison. “So we can trust you with this.” It was at the party that I was introduced to the upper echelons of Sun Squared. And they’re all into dressing as animals and tying each other up and fucking everything that moves. I was persuaded. This is the life for me. Not only does the club prepare you for the rat race that is life (by having sex with the winner of the club’s biannual triathlon of pledges in rat costumes), but it teaches you how to appreciate a full, well-squared life by learning how to look at life from all angles. They say it’s hard to find your niche here at BU. But seriously, check B-Engaged. You never know what you’ll find. Seriously, there’s some weird shit. See you at the GIM. — Sexual Deviant is a freshman majoring in anal sex

I think everyone would feel better if they could find other people who share their sickening sexual appetites

Manifesto to the Editor: I will have my vengeance on you

You thought that you would have the last laugh, but it is I who will come out on top today Fuck You

I am God

To the Editor, You may not know me, and that doesn’t surprise me. I represent a group of students that has been held silent for far too long. Yes, I am the boy who has a single in Hillside — the quiet, unassuming boy in ECON

118. I’m sure the reports will say something like “I never knew him but I always thought he was just quiet. I had no idea that he could do something so … horrible …” Good. I have been disrespected for far too long. I know I will be vilified by the UPD and the students here. I do not care. I have risen to salvation, and hopefully one day those close to me will understand what I have done. At 7:40 p.m. I went into the CIW dining hall, grabbed a

package of sushi and placed it inside of my knapsack when no Sodexo employee was working. Go ahead, demonize me, for now I am immortal as demons are. I had heard that there was a fee on the meal plan that I was already charged for stealing. I was in disbelief, and my disbelief turned into rage, and my rage turned into what will go down as an unforgivable act. But I don’t expect anyone to understand now. One day you will. You all will.

I stared, watching as beautiful women all paid the brutish Sodexo corporation far past market price for almostexpired sushi. For the last few years I let blood boil within me and with a shaky hand I let the cashier swipe my meal plan to purchase California rolls. I can not let myself be subject to this purgatory, for I am the supreme consumer and understand when a bargain is being unjustly taken from me from Corporate America.

I sat at a lone table. I pulled the sushi out as a janitor watched. I knew I needed to take care of him. Luckily he got distracted so it was cool. I ate my California rolls one by one, teething each and every sesame seed for all they were worth. A tear rolled down my face. It burned the good kind of way. You motherfuckers don’t know what hit you, did you? You corporate fat cats that sit behind your white picket fence, feeding

off of us students who have to feed off of your sushi. No more. By the time you ignorant pigs are reading this I will be full of imitation crab, ginger and wasabi. I laugh at those less advanced than me for thinking I am an urchin of the underworld. Soon my way will be the way of the world. Until then, sayonara. — Fuck You is a junior majoring in political science

BASEBALL & SOFTBALL

All games postponed indefinitely See page 0 Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Kentucky All-Americans academically ineligible With average GPA of 0.274, Calipari's starters won't go to Final Four, but they don't care Jimmer Fredette Sharpshooting derp

Photos stolen

Kentucky head coach John Calipari's empire crumbled after academic ineligibility deracinated his roster. Freshmen Willie Cauley-Stein (left) and Karl-Anthony Towns (bottom right) are just excited to make more money in the NBA next year.

With just four days until Kentucky takes on Wisconsin in the Final Four, tragedy has struck the Wildcats: All nine McDonald’s All-Americans in the program have been ruled academically ineligible. The nine players, who will not be allowed to play Saturday, were determined to have a combined grade-point average of 0.274. “This sucks,” Kentucky head coach John Calipari said. “I knew they had bad grades, but I figured that by the time the NCAA found out, I would be coaching in the NBA. That’s essentially what happened after I left UMass and Memphis.” “For this to happen now, while we’re still playing, it ruins my legacy,” Calipari continued. “That’s what bothers me the most.” While Calipari’s career might finally be spoiled, most of Kentucky’s players didn’t care about missing the Final Four. “Honestly, why should I?” said freshman forward Karl-Anthony Towns, whose GPA was reportedly 0.0009. “I’m going to be the first pick in the draft. I’ll be a millionaire in two months. That’s better than the lousy $100,000 in cash that coach gave me.”

Freshman center Willie CauleyStein shared the sentiment. “I don’t have any new tattoos to show off, anyway,” Stein said, somehow able to articulate words despite his 0.0004 GPA. “This gives me the chance to get some new ink before I go pro.” However, some on the Kentucky team were pleased when they caught wind of the NCAA sanctions. “To be honest, I’m thrilled,” senior walk-on Brian Long (GPA 0.0056) said. “We probably won’t win anymore, but I’m really happy. I get to play for the first time ever in college, and it’ll be in the Final Four!” “I mean, it’s unfortunate,” said fellow senior Sam Malone, who allegedly tipped off the NCAA after he accidentally chose Wisconsin to win it. “But, on the plus side, now I’ll win my bracket.” To attempt to fill out its roster, Kentucky will hold open tryouts on Thursday. Calipari has been busy over the past few days doing what he does best: Recruiting. “I’ve been all over campus,” Calipari said. “I’ve been to the dining halls, the rec gym and even in the dorms trying to get players. I’ve proven I can recruit, so I think I’ll find some guys who can ball. At this point, I’ll just take anyone who can walk and correctly identify a basketball.”

NCAA approves student-athlete salary Sammy the Slug gets hitched to athlete, set for life Stone Cold Steve Austin Master grappler

Last month, after years of criticism and scrutiny, the NCAA officially sanctioned the payment of student-athletes nationwide. After ending the 2014 fiscal year with $989 million in revenue, each student-athlete was awarded $1.6 million for the year — in lieu of a scholarship — relieving them of their scholastic duties. “It’s amazing,” Stanford freshman lacrosse player Michael Smith said. “I’m finally living my dream of being a business mogul.” Now free from his academic responsibilities, Ryan recently decided to invest $600 million into Vemma Verve, which he dubs “the energy drink of the future.” “Did you know that Red Bull is illegal in three different nations? Verve is the future,” Smith explained. “I’m actually having a Google Hangout with my boy from Providence to talk about getting more people on board today. He has a BMW and you can

get one, too. Just give me your email.” On the other end of the nation, Georgia State basketball player Ryan Harrow is already working to perform damage control on his first investment. After shocking the world in one of the biggest upsets this March Madness season, Harrow lost $1.2 million after predicting that his team would lose to No. 3 Baylor. “That win was bull,” Harrow said. “I missed free throws all week in practice. I thought we had the loss in the bag, but thank God I was smart enough to have something to fall back on.” Harrow’s remaining $400 million is currently invested in bringing back former computer giant, Circuit City. “Think about it, ‘Circuit City.’ It’s literally a city of circuits,” Harrow insisted. “Remember how smart that robot was in that John Badham movie, Short Circuit? And that was just one robot. If we can make a comeback, so can they.” At Division III Colorado College, a group of five women’s

tennis players have started a business of their own. Dubbed the “come through my dorm at 5:30, my connect came though-girls,” the women have partnered with the Los Zetas Cartel to pioneer a marijuana grow operation that will supply the entirety of Division II and III athletes. “Yeah, they mostly just figured, ‘Whatever, I’m never going pro anyway,’ so there’s really nothing to lose,” senior Alexis Weed said while touching her face to make sure it hadn’t gone numb. “I mean, it’s really good with injuries, too. It’s just good with everything. It’s hard to describe but — have you ever looked down to see if you still had your pants on? That’s how in the zone I am on the court now.” In addition to the 2,058 business startups in the past two weeks, there have also been a recorded 567 marriages involving athletes. Most recently, freshman Pete Samson has wedded UCSanta Cruz mascot, Sammy the Banana Slug. “My dad has never really been in favor of inter-species marriage, but Sammy’s just so slimy and gentle. And that girth — you wouldn’t believe,” Samson said. “I’ll never eat a banana the same way again, literally and figuratively.” Sammy the Slug, unbeknownst to Samson, does not get paid under the current deal. “I’ll go probably back to school soon,” Smith concluded. “But the guy on Shark Tank said that I was just wasting time anyway. Now, Vemma Verve by Vemma Nutrition Company, that’s where I see my future right now.”

I feel like the Mets will have a good year this year . . . They're going to be good Photo taken from Facebook

Sammy the Slug got hitched to a wealthy athlete who now has to go back to school for his wages because Sammy is a gold digger.

— Sports designer Doesn't read sports

Photo secretly taken so photographer must remain anonymous

Binghamton's dog sledding team isn't even as successful as this one, whose dogs are just completely inadequate to brave the Canadian tundras found in Toronto. What is that dog in the front?

Dog sledding team finishes fourth BU's most successful program not so successful Mo'ne Davis

Injury-prone "athlete" The Binghamton University dogsledding team has achieved that which no other Bearcat squad has done before: It ranked in the top half of national competition, clinching a spot at the prestigious Iditarod Challenge. Out of the eight schools in the country that have dog sledding teams, Binghamton finished in fourth at the three-day Iditarod track, crossing the line a full two weeks after the top three competitors. The bottom half finishers — Syracuse, Florida, Rutgers and UC Berkeley — all crossed within 10 minutes of the first-place finishers, but were disqualified after it was discovered that their dog teams were actually just mascot employees stuffed into dog suits. “It wasn’t much worse than working basketball games,” said Larry Gingrich, a senior majoring in claustrophobia and one of Syracuse’s oranges. While the circumstances surrounding their success were the sole factor attributing to their success, the Bearcats sled drivers were elated. “I only came to Binghamton so I

could start immediately,” freshman musher Katie O’Toole said. “I never thought we would actually win.” “My mom finally told me she’s proud of me,” junior walk-on Kyle Hardy said. Despite the success, some of Binghamton’s other coaches have questioned the legitimacy of the win. Many have expressed doubt over whether the dog sledding team’s win is really any better than their 332nd-place finishes. “It doesn’t matter how we won, it just matters that we won,” Binghamton head coach Grady McScamdrews said. “What other coach here can say that they finished in the top four in the nation? None.” With a top-four finish, Binghamton is now eligible to compete in the North America Invitational alongside Cornell, Boston University and SUNY Geneseo. While some may say that Binghamton isn’t quite fit to compete in a field including 32 Canadian teams, given that they race with Bearcats rather than Siberian Huskies or Alaskan Malamutes (among other things), McScamdrews has an answer to his haters: “We couldn’t afford real dogs, so we stole these from the zoo,” McScamdrews explained. “But

I only came to Binghamton so I could start immediately. I never thought we would actually win — Katie O'Toole BU freshman musher

as long as we beat out the other American schools, I’ll be happy. We can take them.” “Who?” Cornell head coach Roland Smith responded when asked if he was ready compete with Binghamton. “Is that the fake BU?” asked Boston University head coach Tom Shady. “There can only be one mediocre SUNY school, and that’ll be us,” Geneseo head coach Tom Berman claimed. Mass start at North America Invitational is set for 5:32 a.m. from the middle of nowhere in Canada with the finish line placed 1,000 miles south, in Orono, Maine.