PIPE BOMB
TEASER?
I barely know her! see page 69
A GUIDE TO MASTURBATING TO ‘THE REWRITE’ see page 0
Ignored on News Stands Since 1946
Wednesday, April 1, 2015 | Vol. LOL, Pipe Bomb | The New York Times | nytimes.com
Pharm school actually just meth lab Johnson City drug ring used to supplement SUNY 2020 funding Marion Dupree
“Alright, do you have the stuff,” Stenger said, referring to the list of revised demands that Students for Change hopes can provide a brighter atmosphere for minority groups underrepresented at the University. “Racism is a huge issue here, and we’re excited to finally get some answers from the
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Stenger, Students for Change meet at dusk In abandoned parking lot, parties seek common ground Deep Throat
Freeman, Students for Change’s president. “You ain’t a fuckin’ cop are you. You have to tell me if you are.” After weeks of delaying a second meeting “Nah. We cool,” Freeman responded. with Students for Change, Binghamton Freeman said he was eager to work University President Harvey Stenger agreed through vital campus issues with the leader to meet with the leader of the group at dusk of the University’s administration, before on Monday. spraying the parking garage’s security “You wearing a wire?” Stenger asked Jesus cameras in the area with silly string. Contributing Writer
University approves increase in SAPB concert budget George Whipple New York 1
In a sudden turn of events, the Student Association Programming Board (SAPB) announcedthattheSpringFlingconcertwill now feature the musical stylings of Drake, Maroon 5 and Beyonce, among others. What had originally been planned as a concert co-headlined by The White Panda, Bad Rabbits and Sage the Gemini has turned into a full-blown music festival, according to Vice President for Programming Stephanie Zagreda. “We heard the complaints of the student body, and we knew we had to answer them,” Zagreda said. “I marched up to [Binghamton University President Harvey]
Cornell Mascot
Stating that he is the “one who knocks,” Binghamton University President Harvey Stenger announced last Friday that the new pharmacy school is actually just a home base for his everexpanding methamphetamine empire. The University has had a meth business for decades, as Binghamton is one of the largest meth capitals in the country. “We’re growing towards the future,” Stenger said. “What began as Harpur College slowly grew into something so much more. Through the initial steps to this project, we’ve already seen that our students can change the world with what they have learned here, but more importantly, they’ve changed the way that drugs are made and traded throughout the country and beyond. They are enhancing their brains through study, and decaying their bodies through injection. We couldn’t be prouder.” The new school has been a combined effort of multiple disciplines within the
Brandon Stanton/HONY
Baxter, 15, was known for school spirit, Mascot Madness win Big Red
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President Harvey Stenger waits for Students for Change in the parking garage at dusk.
Binghamton remembers fallen mascot
SPRING FLING 2015
Kanye West Beyonce Maroon 5
Baxter the Bearcat, Binghamton University’s beloved mascot, has passed away. He was 15 years old. President Harvey Stenger announced Baxter’s death in a hastily organized news conference Saturday morning. “It is with a heavy heart that I inform you all that Baxter is gone,” said a visibly upset Stenger. “He was a vital part of this University and will be deeply missed.” Baxter was taken to Lourdes Hospital Friday evening after collapsing in his mansion on Riverside Drive. He died surrounded by his wife, Pauline, as well as his two sons, Oliver and Sebastian. “He exercised, never touched a cigarette in his life,” his wife said. “He would have a glass of wine now and again, but who wouldn’t?” According to Stenger, Baxter had been battling feline leukemia since midOctober. “It’s just something that happens when Bearcats get old,” Stenger said. “Fortunately, Baxter lived a long and healthy life.” Baxter’s death has sent shock waves through the mascot community. Wolfie the Seawolf, who represents Stony Brook University, said he was shocked to hear of his friend’s death. “I spoke to him just last week, you know?” Wolfie said. “He was in high spirits and I really thought he was turning a corner. When I got the call, I just couldn’t believe it. The way he plowed through Mascot Madness last year was just unbelievable. I felt lucky to even be sharing
Drake Ed Sheeran Kendrick Lamar Sam Smith One Direction Fall Out Boy The Weeknd The Black Keys Of Monsters & Men The Killers
Flume Delicate Stevy Brand New
21 Pilots Chvrches Bad Suns DJ Mr Nasty Migos Chromeo Nickelback Adam Lanza/Not The Mass-Murderer
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Baxter the Bearcat with a throbbing erection
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Jacques Fisher unmasked as world-famous porn star TEDx talk against masturbation, pornography an attempt to conceal identity
When I watch porn, I want to watch two strangers fuck, until one or both of them suffers brain damage —Louis Spain BU super-senior
Manuel Ferrer Beast in the Sack
It started as a simple PornHub search: “sexy college dudes brainmelting-orgasms.” The results would change Binghamton University forever. Many know Jaques Fisher as a TEDx speaker and outspoken antiporn activist. He has started online movements and written extensively against pornography on the grounds that it is sexist, morally wrong and harmful to college students’ expectations of sex and sexuality. He has gone so far as to encourage not only students, but the entire online Reddit community to give up masturbating all together. This is why no one expected the real reason he was cautioning his peers away from sexually explicit material. He has starred in over 140 adult films. As it turns out, Fisher was not preaching against pornography on religious or moral grounds, but was in fact trying to conceal his identity as one of the most prolific adult film stars, going by the alias of Harley Looselips. “I was shocked,” said Gale Ingber, who was totally watching porn to check something for a friend. “I was
inspired by his TEDx speech, but when I saw him in ‘Bartle Butt-Explorers 12’ I was shocked.” Until his TEDx debut, Fisher had remained relatively anonymous. But after taking the stage, many of Binghamton’s most prolific fappers put the spotlight on his alter ego. “When I watch porn, I want to watch two strangers fuck until one or both of them suffers brain damage,” said Louis Spain, a super-senior majoring in some bullshit and a self-proclaimed porn connoisseur. “But watching the kid from ECON 118 put a poor girl in a coma with his Olympic-sized cock? That’s just immoral and gross. Shame on him.” When approached about his porn stardom, Fisher defended himself. “Watching porn is toxic and ruins American families" he said. "But acting in porn is fucking sick, bro. Do you see the chicks I get to bang? One-hundred percent real tits, too.” The female members of the TEDx board have begun an unofficial review and have begun to watch his videos individually, for around 30 minutes apiece, to check if he’s been a naughty boy. Fisher is set to star in 2016’s “Binghamton TEDXXX” as “President Hard-On Strangler.”
Terry Richardson/Creepy Uncle Pictured: Binghamton's babies enjoy the top-ranked daycare in the Southern Tier.
Tom & Marty's ranked best day care in the Southern Tier
Binghamton's favorite haunt to provide respite for working moms, students looking to ditch kids Rich David
Binghamton Mayor Freshmen and babies alike now have a brand new place to call home in Binghamton, New York. In what has recently been named the “Premier Public Day Care of State Street,” Tom & Marty’s Town House + Childcare has been seeing a surge of new patrons. Starting March 31, management at the local bar introduced its new “Hot Totty and Toddlers program,” providing four
hours worth of care for locals looking to relax, catch up on homework, go to work or get blackout on Long Island Iced Teas. “What’s so great about this program is what it will do for both parents and students alike,” said Larry Shea, head educational supervisor and DJ for the program. “Parents have time to do work and drugs, and students don’t need to hear a freshman request another fucking LMFAO song.”
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