PIPE BOMB
“OOOOOHHHHHHHH,” SEE PAGE 69
The "Free" Word on Campus Since 1946
April Fools, 2017 | Vol. XCI, Pipe Bomb | Boston University | bupupdream.com
Frat brothers pee on SA office door, fight ensues Several bros hurt in brawl after lit night leads to early morning urination Kyle Philip Rat Bouncer
“I understand that this can cause disappointment,” Fairbird said. “But if the students who are complaining had to haul the signs into the Marketplace themselves, they may not complain so much about the taste of meat in their yogurt.” Pipe Dream attempted to order
Two members of the Sigma Alpha fraternity and multiple members of the Binghamton University Student Association (SA) beat the shit out of each other late Friday night. According to one of the fraternity brothers, the attack began after his brother mistakenly urinated on the SA’s office door. Very quickly, all six members of the SA E-Board emerged and started yelling at and hitting him with voucher forms, old revisions of the SA constitution and other documents. He was personally injured when he tried to stop some of the SA E-Board members from harming his bro. “It’s just, like, so dumb that they got so tight about it,” said the brother, who requested to remain anonymous. “He was just still lit from last night, the piss thing was a total accident.” The president of the SA E-Board said that the incident unfolded differently. According to him, one of the students involved was behaving inappropriately toward e-board members. “He was not accidentally peeing on our
SEE BEEF PAGE 2
SEE SA PAGE 2
Photo provided by Chick-N-Bap
Honestly, we should have seen this one coming.
Red Mango contains beef, no berries
Students raise concerns about mouthfuls of meat after frozen yogurt recipe changed Sodex Hoe Beef Enthusiast
In what may be concerning news to many students on campus, Pipe Dream has learned that Red Mango’s famous strawberry-flavored frozen yogurt actually contains beef, not strawberries. Multiple employees confided with Pipe Dream about the change in
Freshman raid BPD formal at Dillinger's In effort to keep average age below 20 on State Street, cops get kicked out
ingredients, which was made earlier this semester after Red Mango began using the same distributor as Chick-NBap, another vendor in the Marketplace. Fred Fairbird, the manager of Red Mango, recently confirmed the reports. “Our friends at Chick-N-Bap had this amazingly cheap beef hookup, and with the economy in the place it is, we are looking to save costs wherever
possible,” Fairbird said. “We saw an opportunity and we took advantage.” Despite the change in ingredients, the signage at Red Mango still lists strawberries as the primary ingredient in the popular flavor. According to Fairbird, this was due to the fact that the new signs were too heavy to carry from his shitty sedan into the Marketplace.
Masters in Applied Liberal Arts actually just more bullshit
New program takes useless shit learned in social sciences, wastes parents' money on second degree Harpur Collins Dean of Bullshit
English and history majors rejoiced at the prospect of fucking around for another two years, thanks to the new Binghamton University master’s in applied liberal arts degree. The program, which was announced last month, will give social science and liberal arts majors the opportunity to truly enrich their understanding of their fields, and more importantly, prolong unemployment for another year. “We get a lot of students who, after graduating from the social sciences, get into the real world and can’t get a job with their useless degree,” said Cheryl Vailer, the dean of the master’s program. “With this program, we are basically just distracting students from how bad they got fucked over with their
undergraduate education.” For many students, the degree is a glimpse of light at the end of a long, dark, sad and lonely tunnel. “Yeah, my parents are totally thrilled,” said Darien McGuinness, a senior majoring in English. “Sure they have to pay another year’s tuition, but at least they won’t have to deal with the embarrassment of telling their friends I’m unemployed for another year.” The program consists of only eight classes, including options such as ENG545: Writing Skills You Should’ve Learned in Your Freshman Year and HIST673: We Know You Regret Not Going to SOM But At Least You’re Having Fun. Professors will also teach enrolled students how exactly to navigate
SEE BULLSHIT PAGE 2
Detective Dab Definitely a Cop State Street saw multiple arrests this Saturday night, as Binghamton University freshmen raided Dillinger’s during the Binghamton Police Department’s annual formal. Six of the city’s police officers were handcuffed, taken down from the party room upstairs and carted away. The raid was part of a routine freshmen activity to ensure that the bars were keeping up to standards. Captain Joseph Mime, who borrowed his best friend’s Boscov’s tuxedo for the occasion, met the raid with exceptional distress. “I just wanted to dance,” slurred Mime, as someone who graduated high school this past June grabbed a vodka tonic from his hand and replaced it with a written citation. “This fucking sucks, I only got two hours worth of the threehour open bar!” The 15-member freshmen squadron came fully equipped with department
SEE BARS PAGE 2
Stenger drapes buildings in ivy in effort to be premier Public Ivy dreams finally realized, president stayed up all night decorating Couper bldg. John Fiske Premier Public Correspondent
In an effort to make it known all around the world that Binghamton University is the premier public university, President Harvey Stenger has decided to drape the entirety of campus in vines of ivy, cementing forever the University’s status as a public Ivy. The project has begun with the Couper Administration Building and will likely extend to the rest of campus by fall 2018. The decision to cover the
ARTS & CULTURE
campus with ivy came from the hope that it would create a more prestigious appearance for the University without breaking the bank; whereas real Ivy League schools will use repurposed stone in new construction or wash their buildings in acid to give off an old and weathered appearance, BU did not have the funds to more authentically create the Ivy League look. Witnesses told Pipe Dream that they saw Stenger himself scaling the administration building in a
SEE IVY PAGE 2
Photo taken by Funemployed John Berkowitz, ‘16, who graduated with a degree in sociology, practices his paper plane-folding skills. His parents approve of his actions, knowing the worth of his degree.
SOM to offer core class for fuckboys Courses to focus on mansplaining, general douchebaggery and salmon-colored pants Trent Grade Inflator
This fall, the Binghamton University School of Management (SOM) will be adding a new set of core courses for business administration majors, F-Core, devoted to marketing their new brand as a fuckboy. The announcement was made this past Monday by SOM Dean Upinder Dhillon during a press conference. At
OPINIONS
the conference, Dhillon described the new program as a “necessary addition to the already self-righteous SOM track.” “F-Core will make our students more prepared for the job market, better at networking and all-over just terrible people,” Dhillon said. “Honestly, students have just been doing this anyway for years, but it’s nice to have an official course for it.”
SEE FUCKBOI PAGE 2
SPORTS
Mainstage? More like moanstage #amirite,
‘Ooooouuuuuuuuuu,’
Hi Mom, we have a new editorial out,
Men’s basketball postseason hopes found hidden in Willie Rodriguez’s beard,
Little League players lead baseball to NCAA Tournament,
See page 4
See page 69
See page 6
See page 8
See page 8