PIPE BOMB
“OOOOOHHHHHHHH,” SEE PAGE 69
The "Free" Word on Campus Since 1946
April Fools, 2017 | Vol. XCI, Pipe Bomb | Boston University | bupupdream.com
Frat brothers pee on SA office door, fight ensues Several bros hurt in brawl after lit night leads to early morning urination Kyle Philip Rat Bouncer
“I understand that this can cause disappointment,” Fairbird said. “But if the students who are complaining had to haul the signs into the Marketplace themselves, they may not complain so much about the taste of meat in their yogurt.” Pipe Dream attempted to order
Two members of the Sigma Alpha fraternity and multiple members of the Binghamton University Student Association (SA) beat the shit out of each other late Friday night. According to one of the fraternity brothers, the attack began after his brother mistakenly urinated on the SA’s office door. Very quickly, all six members of the SA E-Board emerged and started yelling at and hitting him with voucher forms, old revisions of the SA constitution and other documents. He was personally injured when he tried to stop some of the SA E-Board members from harming his bro. “It’s just, like, so dumb that they got so tight about it,” said the brother, who requested to remain anonymous. “He was just still lit from last night, the piss thing was a total accident.” The president of the SA E-Board said that the incident unfolded differently. According to him, one of the students involved was behaving inappropriately toward e-board members. “He was not accidentally peeing on our
SEE BEEF PAGE 2
SEE SA PAGE 2
Photo provided by Chick-N-Bap
Honestly, we should have seen this one coming.
Red Mango contains beef, no berries
Students raise concerns about mouthfuls of meat after frozen yogurt recipe changed Sodex Hoe Beef Enthusiast
In what may be concerning news to many students on campus, Pipe Dream has learned that Red Mango’s famous strawberry-flavored frozen yogurt actually contains beef, not strawberries. Multiple employees confided with Pipe Dream about the change in
Freshman raid BPD formal at Dillinger's In effort to keep average age below 20 on State Street, cops get kicked out
ingredients, which was made earlier this semester after Red Mango began using the same distributor as Chick-NBap, another vendor in the Marketplace. Fred Fairbird, the manager of Red Mango, recently confirmed the reports. “Our friends at Chick-N-Bap had this amazingly cheap beef hookup, and with the economy in the place it is, we are looking to save costs wherever
possible,” Fairbird said. “We saw an opportunity and we took advantage.” Despite the change in ingredients, the signage at Red Mango still lists strawberries as the primary ingredient in the popular flavor. According to Fairbird, this was due to the fact that the new signs were too heavy to carry from his shitty sedan into the Marketplace.
Masters in Applied Liberal Arts actually just more bullshit
New program takes useless shit learned in social sciences, wastes parents' money on second degree Harpur Collins Dean of Bullshit
English and history majors rejoiced at the prospect of fucking around for another two years, thanks to the new Binghamton University master’s in applied liberal arts degree. The program, which was announced last month, will give social science and liberal arts majors the opportunity to truly enrich their understanding of their fields, and more importantly, prolong unemployment for another year. “We get a lot of students who, after graduating from the social sciences, get into the real world and can’t get a job with their useless degree,” said Cheryl Vailer, the dean of the master’s program. “With this program, we are basically just distracting students from how bad they got fucked over with their
undergraduate education.” For many students, the degree is a glimpse of light at the end of a long, dark, sad and lonely tunnel. “Yeah, my parents are totally thrilled,” said Darien McGuinness, a senior majoring in English. “Sure they have to pay another year’s tuition, but at least they won’t have to deal with the embarrassment of telling their friends I’m unemployed for another year.” The program consists of only eight classes, including options such as ENG545: Writing Skills You Should’ve Learned in Your Freshman Year and HIST673: We Know You Regret Not Going to SOM But At Least You’re Having Fun. Professors will also teach enrolled students how exactly to navigate
SEE BULLSHIT PAGE 2
Detective Dab Definitely a Cop State Street saw multiple arrests this Saturday night, as Binghamton University freshmen raided Dillinger’s during the Binghamton Police Department’s annual formal. Six of the city’s police officers were handcuffed, taken down from the party room upstairs and carted away. The raid was part of a routine freshmen activity to ensure that the bars were keeping up to standards. Captain Joseph Mime, who borrowed his best friend’s Boscov’s tuxedo for the occasion, met the raid with exceptional distress. “I just wanted to dance,” slurred Mime, as someone who graduated high school this past June grabbed a vodka tonic from his hand and replaced it with a written citation. “This fucking sucks, I only got two hours worth of the threehour open bar!” The 15-member freshmen squadron came fully equipped with department
SEE BARS PAGE 2
Stenger drapes buildings in ivy in effort to be premier Public Ivy dreams finally realized, president stayed up all night decorating Couper bldg. John Fiske Premier Public Correspondent
In an effort to make it known all around the world that Binghamton University is the premier public university, President Harvey Stenger has decided to drape the entirety of campus in vines of ivy, cementing forever the University’s status as a public Ivy. The project has begun with the Couper Administration Building and will likely extend to the rest of campus by fall 2018. The decision to cover the
ARTS & CULTURE
campus with ivy came from the hope that it would create a more prestigious appearance for the University without breaking the bank; whereas real Ivy League schools will use repurposed stone in new construction or wash their buildings in acid to give off an old and weathered appearance, BU did not have the funds to more authentically create the Ivy League look. Witnesses told Pipe Dream that they saw Stenger himself scaling the administration building in a
SEE IVY PAGE 2
Photo taken by Funemployed John Berkowitz, ‘16, who graduated with a degree in sociology, practices his paper plane-folding skills. His parents approve of his actions, knowing the worth of his degree.
SOM to offer core class for fuckboys Courses to focus on mansplaining, general douchebaggery and salmon-colored pants Trent Grade Inflator
This fall, the Binghamton University School of Management (SOM) will be adding a new set of core courses for business administration majors, F-Core, devoted to marketing their new brand as a fuckboy. The announcement was made this past Monday by SOM Dean Upinder Dhillon during a press conference. At
OPINIONS
the conference, Dhillon described the new program as a “necessary addition to the already self-righteous SOM track.” “F-Core will make our students more prepared for the job market, better at networking and all-over just terrible people,” Dhillon said. “Honestly, students have just been doing this anyway for years, but it’s nice to have an official course for it.”
SEE FUCKBOI PAGE 2
SPORTS
Mainstage? More like moanstage #amirite,
‘Ooooouuuuuuuuuu,’
Hi Mom, we have a new editorial out,
Men’s basketball postseason hopes found hidden in Willie Rodriguez’s beard,
Little League players lead baseball to NCAA Tournament,
See page 4
See page 69
See page 6
See page 8
See page 8
2
NUDES
bupupdream.com | April Fools, 2017
Red Mango After peeing on SA door, BU finds way to extend bullshit degree frat brothers get beat up froyo made with beef, not berries BULLSHIT FROM PAGE 1
SA FROM PAGE 1
BEEF FROM PAGE 1 strawberry frozen yogurt on multiple occasions, each time explicitly making it clear that they wanted a vegetarian serving. On every occasion, the Red Mango employees replied with a distant gaze that suggested they did not give a fuck about any customer’s dietary preferences. Students expressed a variety of emotions about the news that their favorite frozen yogurt flavor was made primarily from beef. For students like Sarah Saklan, a junior majoring in food marketing, it was the deception that was an issue. “Believe me, I love having meat in my mouth,” Saklan said. “It’s just shitty because they said it was strawberry-flavored. I don’t even like strawberries as much as I like some juicy beef, but the sign got me in the mood for berries.” For other students, learning that their frozen yogurt was made from beef caused quite a scene. “I don’t even eat beef, I’m more of a pork guy,” said Jeff Bayless, a senior majoring in animal studies. “The fact that I slurped up a whole cup of this cow shit is abhorrent.” Victoria Redbaum, a sophomore majoring in nutrition, was less pissed off, and even applauded Red Mango. “I mean it was definitely a surprise, but I didn’t mind it,” she said. “I’m used to getting surprises in my mouth, so I’m happy that Red Mango did this.”
door,” the president said. “He was asked to stop and refused, and jumping his ass was way more efficient than sending him to Student Conduct.” The pissing fraternity brother said that the fight damaged the incredibly strong and fruitful relationship between Greek life and the Student Association. “The assault I suffered undermined the general trust I had in the SA,” he said. “The SA has to hold their members to a standard of decency, and I hope word spreads that the E-Board lacks that standard. There’s no way I’m making pledges campaign for them when they run for reelection.” He posted on his Facebook page quickly following the incident, where he briefly summarized some of the night’s events.
“About four and a half hours ago I was bullied by students on our campus who believe they have way more power than they actually do,” he wrote. “This was because I told them not to touch my friend who they had shoved into a wall, after he had harmlessly peed on their office door. These guys obviously just feel entitled because a tenth of the student body voted to let them sit in the Union and hold office hours.” The SA president said that while both parties were harmed, the focus should be on how much better the SA E-Board has gotten since last year. “The frat guy was publicly peeing on our door and wouldn’t stop,” the president said. “One thing led to another, and people fought. E-Board members were also punched during the fight. But hey, at least I’ve kept racial slurs off of my Tinder profile.”
joblessness, and how to make paper airplanes out of their bachelor’s and new master’s degrees. Jim Harspin, a professor in the history department, said that the program was added to limit the amount of complaints from former students. “Every student who receives a degree in the social sciences realizes after a few years that they just learned a bunch of bullshit,” Harspin said. “This program takes that bullshit, and gives the students a prolonged sense of security that they will make it in the world.” Students already enrolled in the program, such as Marcus
Pamsith, a senior majoring in sociology, said they couldn’t wait to show off their useless degree to everyone they know. “I’m mainly getting this degree to prove to my family and friends that a bachelor’s degree in English isn’t the most useless degree I could receive at Binghamton University,” Pamsith said. “This master’s in applied liberal arts is MUCH more useless, and I can’t wait to see the looks on their faces when they find out I proved them wrong.” Others like Mia Nassi, a senior majoring in English, said she was just glad they had an excuse to fuck around in Binghamton for another two years.
“I really can’t believe I conned my parents into paying for this,” Nassi said. “I honestly should be getting ready to file for unemployment, but instead I’m gonna be having the time of my life at The Rat every weekend for the next two years while I finish up this shit master’s degree.” Several students, such as Caitlyn Soleman, a junior majoring in English, expressed confusion at what exactly the degree meant but remained naively enthusiastic. “I can’t wait to explain what this degree means to my future employers,” Soleman said. “But first I’m gonna have to look up what it actually means because I also don’t get it.”
BU freshmen forcibly remove cops from bar BARS FROM PAGE 1 issued gear. Each was wielding a lanyard attached to a pair of College-in-the-Woods keys, a wallet-squished condom, two old shot-wheel tokens and a Poland Spring bottle half filled with fireball. “We’re just trying to keep State Street honest,” said 18-year old freshman Daniel Marcilla. “It’s our duty to keep the bars the way they are supposed to be, filled with people who are age-appropriate.” The six officers were intoxicated at the time of the arrest and were visibly upset. “This night was supposed to be the best night out ever,” sobbed Lt. Amy Gartin. “We even had a free keg at The Rat after. Fuck this!” Dillinger’s was also given
a substantial fine and was issued multiple violations for “totally being dicks,” and “not remembering what it was like to be in college.”
We're just trying to keep State Street honest — Officer Out 21+
B3973X/Government Surveillance Drone Harvey Stenger, former model for Crest 3D White™ Strips, drapes ivy branches outside of his eighth-floor office of the Couper Administration Building. Stenger shared that he doesn’t want anyone to forget that he, in fact, graduated from Cornell.
Stenger's had enough, covers BU in ivy IVY FROM PAGE 1 Spiderman-like fashion. From the top, he descended in a rapid spiral with ivy in hand before landing on a police car and scurrying back to his eighthfloor office. “Was that the president?” said Henry Teng, a junior majoring in “Yu-Gi-Oh.” “So brave.” Other students were happy to see Stenger taking a more active role in campus activities.
“This is definitely the best way to increase our reputation,” said Rho Steinberg, a freshman majoring in naivety. “’The Fiske Guide to Colleges’ is wonderful for telling us that we are a public Ivy, but now we have finally made it.” Stenger said he hopes the ivy motif will carry over to the new Johnson City campus and into the hearts and minds of undergraduates for generations to come. “I just really want people
to like us,” Stenger said, as he wiped a tear from his eye. Stenger said he dreams that the move will resonate with millennials as much as the University’s dank Facebook memes. “We can be premier, we can be public and if we really believe in ourselves, we can be Ivy,” Stenger said. As Pipe Bomb went to press, BU was still shit. Visit bupupdream.com for updates.
WTF was Wholly Habañeros? Students express confusion and dismay over old food vendor Sith Lorde Dark Side of the Forest
For many students, Binghamton University’s Marketplace serves as a place to blow your meal plan while eating like a peasant. However, ever since Wholly Habaneros was replaced with Chick-N-Bap, students have been outraged by the loss of the Marketplace’s intrinsic nature. When asked about the importance of Wholly Habaneros, students replied “The place was great, man! My favorite options were the lamb-stuffed peppers and the gyro over rice!” When told that Wholly Habaneros did
not actually offer either of these options, the student replied, “Fake news!” As Pipe Dream surveyed more people, it turned out that many students had no idea what the place actually served. “I thought the place just served habaneros,” said Elise Hanania, a sophomore majoring in nutrition studies. “Or was it Mexican food? Wait no, the place definitely had hamburgers. I definitely remember eating lamb though. Wait, what are we talking about again?” Other students who loved the place have been complaining to Sodexo but no current action is being taken. “We want Wholly
Habaneros back!” they said. “The place was a blast!” When later asked to describe why the place was “a blast,” the student instead described the food contents blasting out of his anal cavity. Tom Bob, a senior majoring in business administration, claimed that the departure of Wholly Habaneros was a poor business move by Sodexo, but there is no real evidence of this. With approximately five whole transactions a day, it is unclear whether or not the eatery was profitable. Despite this, Bob stated that “Wholly Habaneros was making absolute bank. Trust me, I’m in SOM.”
BU to offer F-core track for fuckboys FUCKBOI FROM PAGE 1 The track will be targeted at sophomores in the SOM program. According to Dhillon, this will allow students to truly explore their fuckboy potential and hone their skills at BU. “Binghamton is an amazing place for them to start growing their egos early on and learn how to oversell their mediocrity from the start of their college careers,” Dhillon said. For networking events, students are required to show up in the appropriate uniform of gray sweatpants, beer-stained Timberlands and day-old hangover scruff. For those who don’t grow adequate facial hair, a
snapback balanced precariously on their head to make them appear taller will suffice. Required courses will feature classes such as MKTG254: Faking Emotional Connections, MKTG111: Mansplaining 111 and MKTG457: Appearing Liberal While Still Using Slurs. “Finally, Binghamton is offering classes I can actually use in real life,” said Liam Joplin, a sophomore majoring in business administration. “I’m gonna have to perfect my mansplaining if I’m gonna become a partner at PricewaterhouseCoopers by the time I’m 28.” Students will be asked to do fieldwork as well, with assignments in Downtown
Binghamton. Students will be able to chose from an array of options, such as studying the financial gains of hosting at The Rathskeller or a statistical analysis of which bars attract the most girls who are DTF. An optional case competition will allow students to compete for who can up their body count the most while still dodging herpes. The winner can grab a spot at a Big Four firm. “I’m most excited for the case studies competition,” said Shad White, a freshman majoring in business administration. “Usually I’m just a dick to girls in bars for fun, but now I’m going to get credit for it. That’s lit.”
PAGE FOUR Thursday, March 30, 2017
Address: Your Mom's House 74 Big Dick Dr. Pound Town, NY Phone: 1-800-FUCKOFF FAx: Don't fucking fax us
Harpur's Furry
BadJokes April the giraffe not pregnant, just fat.
Web: ashleymadison.com
R ain 2017 Fuckboy-in-chieF* Boeing 737 grapefruit@delta.com er editor* Whatta Lightweight 1.7BAC@96lbs.org
Binghamton Mayor Richard David announces bid for Student Association vice president for academic affairs.
nudes editor* Kombucha Kween nudes@alternativefacts.com Asst. nudes editors Uncle Tony Two Face High Half the Time
SA vice president for academic affairs Raul Cepin wants each student to have a pocket microwave.
thot cAtAloG editor* Straight White Male feelings@bupipedream.com coPy triAtor Always High listicle chieF* Attention Whore sendfood@bupipedream.com like it in the Ass editors Poopybutt Actual Editor
Marlon Beck revealed to be actual marlin, released back into the ocean.
i Went to A Girls' hiGh school* Jackie O. sporks@cleancopy.com Go blue Jim Halpert Hat Boi
Tom and Marty’s hiring intern to manage, spin the shot wheel.
Mac A. Brony/Resident Clopper Captain Foxy QT Paws and the rest of the squad get ready for another day of service, medicine, and lots of hugs and smiles. These students love unleashing their inner animal, they even give mask-to-mask CPR.
it's A Whole thinG Warren Buffet bigeffin4@pwc.com Asst. nihilist Franz K. Lino
Student in critical condition after using already dispensed fork from Marketplace
This Day in History March 30, 2020
President Donald Trump appointed supreme god-king for life.
“We have a walking problem, not a parking problem.”
buJA consultAnt* Trill Manning drunkass@bupipedream.com
Police Watch Dance groups duke it out in Fine Arts hallways Wednesday, March 22, 4:21 p.m. — Officers were called after a fight broke out between Binghamton Ballroom Dance Association (BBDA) and an unnamed Asian Student Union (ASU) group in the halls of the Fine Arts Building. Witnesses stated that it started with a heated argument after one member of the ASU group, a 21-year-old male, asked BBDA if they could use the window by the couches in the building. BBDA refused, telling the member to try somewhere else, such as the basement or the hall “by all the naked people.” The young man grew frantic, saying all the other places were taken and he was unable to book a studio. “Our event is in exactly a month, and even though we have been practicing for the past three months and leaving no spaces for other groups to rehearse, we still need to show everyone what we’re doing. I need to post about it on Instagram daily or else we won’t sell out.” A tall BBDA member then responded with “Sucks to suck, bruh,” and fighting ensued. Officers managed to break up the encounter while B-boys looking for a spot to dance said, “We just want to bust a move.”
Car tires found slashed after insult thrown Monday, March 27, 8:17 p.m. — A 19-year-old male came back from the East Gym to find the tires of his — Brian Favela, car, parked in the lot by the Couper Administration executive director of parking and transportation at Building, slashed. Looking for any other damage,
Officer Yours
he found a note stuck under his windshield wiper saying “DON’T FUCK WITH MY WAIFU!!!!” The male student then contacted UPD to report the crime, saying he might know who the suspect in charge of the vandalization. He spoke of an altercation that happened the day prior to the tire-slashing incident. “This guy told me that his waifu was Rei from Neon Genesis Evangelion and I laughed at him because even the author of the series said she wasn’t best girl. Now Rem from Re:ZERO, she’s definitely best girl. She’s my waifu. She won best girl on the crunchyroll.com poll.” He then went on to say the receiver of his opinion turned red in the face and screamed at him, saying how dare he insult his waifu. Investigations in finding the suspect are underway. Student steals entire F’real machine from CIW Dining Hall Tuesday, March 28 11:42 a.m. — UPD responded to College-inthe-Woods Dining Hall on Tuesday morning with reports that a student had stolen the F’real milkshake machine. Between 10 and 11:30 a.m., the machine was wheeled out to an undetermined location. A 20-year-old female was named a primary suspect shortly after when she posted a picture of the machine ironically on her finsta. The case is still under investigation until the officer’s request is approved.
Binghamton University.
Our Bad In the March 13 issue of Pipe Dream, we mistakenly endorsed Michael Wuest instead of Jermel McClure Jr. Had we known Jermel would win, we would have whole-heartedly supported him. Pipe Dream regrets the error.
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online Art!!!* Silence of the Lam design@bupipedream.com desiGn-one-one. Speedy Gonzalez Upstart the sodA cuP cAPer* Art Heaux oxfordcomma@bupipedream.com neW here Hardly Know Her bedroom technoloGy mAnAGer* Dora the Internet Explorer vibrator69@aol.com Asst. neWsroom tech. mAnAGer New but good I think? editoriAl Artist Trill Manning no ethics* Warren Buffett business@bupipedream.com Asst. Hot Girlfriend nicemike@bupipedream.com reAl Adult Rohit's Savior dickstribution@vestalemt.com According to all known laws of aviation,there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don't care what humans think is impossible. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little. Barry! Breakfast is ready! Ooming! According to all known laws of aviation,there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don't care what humans think is impossible. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little. Barry! Breakfast is ready! Ooming! According to all known laws of aviation,there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don't care what humans think is impossible. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little. Barry! Breakfast is ready! Ooming! According to all known laws of aviation,there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don't care
stabilizing: nate's night nate's morning :destabilizing
ARTS & CULTURE ? ......................................... I hardly know her! According to all known laws
part of the Hexagon Group. This is
of aviation, there is no way a bee
it! Wow. Wow. We know that you,
should be able to fly. Its wings are
as a bee, have worked your whole
too small to get its fat little body off
life to get to the point where you
the ground. The bee, of course, flies
can work for your whole life. Honey
anyway because bees don’t care what
begins when our valiant Pollen Jocks
humans think is impossible. Yellow,
bring the nectar to the hive. Our
black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black.
top-secret formula is automatically
Yellow, black. Ooh, black and yellow!
color-corrected, scent-adjusted and
Let’s shake it up a little. Barry!
bubble-contoured into this soothing
Breakfast is ready! Coming! Hang
sweet syrup with its distinctive
on a second. Hello? Barry? Adam?
golden glow you know as…Honey!
Can you believe this is happening? I
That girl was hot. She’s my cousin!
can’t. I’ll pick you up. Looking sharp.
She is? Yes, we’re all cousins. Right.
Use the stairs. Your father paid good
You’re right. At Honex, we constantly
money for those. Sorry. I’m excited.
strive to improve every aspect of bee
Here’s the graduate. We’re very
existence. These bees are stress-
proud of you, son. A perfect report
testing a new helmet technology.
card, all B’s. Very proud. Ma! I got
What do you think he makes? Not
a thing going here. You got lint on
enough. Here we have our latest
your fuzz. Ow! That’s me! Wave to us!
advancement, the Krelman. What
We’ll be in row 118,000. Bye! Barry,
does that do? Catches that little
I told you, stop flying in the house!
strand of honey that hangs after
Hey, Adam. Hey, Barry. Is that fuzz
you pour it. Saves us millions. Oan
gel? A little. Special day, graduation.
anyone work on the Krelman? Of
Never thought I’d make it. Three
course. Most bee jobs are small ones.
days grade school, three days high
But bees know that every small job,
school. Those were awkward. Three
if it’s done well, means a lot. But
days college. I’m glad I took a day
choose carefully because you’ll stay
and hitchhiked around the hive.
in the job you pick for the rest of
You did come back different. Hi,
your life. The same job the rest of
Barry. Artie, growing a mustache?
your life? I didn’t know that. What’s
Looks good. Hear about Frankie?
the difference? You’ll be happy to
Yeah. You going to the funeral? No,
know that bees, as a species, haven’t
I’m not going. Everybody knows,
had one day off in 27 million years.
sting someone, you die. Don’t waste
So you’ll just work us to death? We’ll
it on a squirrel. Such a hothead. I
sure try. Wow! That blew my mind!
guess he could have just gotten out
“What’s the difference?” How can you
of the way. I love this incorporating
say that? One job forever? That’s an
an amusement park into our day.
insane choice to have to make. I’m
That’s why we don’t need vacations.
relieved. Now we only have to make
Boy, quite a bit of pomp…under
one decision in life. But, Adam, how
the
Adam,
could they never have told us that?
today we are men. We are! Bee-men.
Why would you question anything
Amen! Hallelujah! Students, faculty,
We’re bees. We’re the most perfectly
distinguished bees, please welcome
functioning society on Earth. You
Dean Buzzwell. Welcome, New Hive
ever think maybe things work a
City graduating class of……9:15.
little too well here? Like what? Give
That concludes our ceremonies.
me one example. I don’t know. But
And begins your career at Honex
you know what I’m talking about.
Industries! Will we pick our job
Please clear the gate. Royal Nectar
today? I heard it’s just orientation.
Force on approach. Wait a second.
Heads up! Here we go. Keep your
Check it out. Hey, those are Pollen
hands and antennas inside the
Jocks! Wow. I’ve never seen them
tram at all times. Wonder what it’ll
this close. They know what it’s like
be like? A little scary. Welcome to
outside the hive. Yeah, but some
Honex, a division of Honesco and a
don’t come back.
circumstances.
Well,
Joe the plumber/Physical Facilities Pictured: Jessica McNamara, a sophomore majoring in art history, and William Cooper, a sophomore climaxing in Jessica McNamara, lubing up the stage of Watters Theater in the Fine Arts building.
Theatre department gets wet in Watters Mainstage show cumming with short but passionate sex scene set to Drake Lin Manuel-Mirandjob Trojan buster Sophomores William Cooper and Jessica McNamara put on a convincing sexual performance in the Watters Theater before a pair of janitors and members of the Pappy Parker Players who were waiting to rehearse for their semester show. Cooper and McNamara, both only sexually active since November, chose the Watters
Theater as their venue in an effort to be “spontaneous,” and to “say that they had before graduation.” “Is this hot? Are you gonna cum?” Cooper awkwardly whispered to McNamara on stage. In a testament to her acting prowess, McNamara responded with an enthusiastic “yeah, soon” before asking Cooper if he could shift some of his body weight off of her. Sarah Johnson, a member of the Pappys, said that McNamara’s
performance was groundbreaking and raw, as the actress often played with the fourth wall. “Her moans were so convincing, it was almost as if they were really having sex,” said Johnson, a sophomore majoring in integrative neuroscience. “I caught chills when she kept looking out into the audience and asking, ‘who the fuck is there?’ It really drew the crowd in.” Cooper also received praise for his strong performance —
especially for his hard-willed method of acting. “He was breathing and sweating really hard, he was obviously super into his character,” said Peter Harrison, a janitor for the Fine Arts building. “I just about lost it when he wiped his sweaty forehead on her shoulder.” While the performance only lasted until midway through the second verse of The Weeknd’s “I Feel it Coming,” the setlist was the play’s highlight — composed
by Cooper’s fraternity brother, Scott Maurer. “Panty droppers, bro,” Maurer said of his playlist, titled “We fuck.” McNamara also enjoyed the score, regularly asking Cooper to roll over and turn up the wireless speaker whenever Drake came on. While the play’s climax did not involve McNamara, her sighs of frustration made for a strong close. Stars: 1/5
2
WALK CLASS ~ PLAYLIST~ Springhamton is finally here, Bearcats, and you know what that means. That’s right, the Spine is the hottest place on campus, and you need to treasure all of the time you can get outside. So queue up your Spotify and get ready to jam out to the best Pipe Dream playlist to date. It will keep you rocking from your class in Library North all the way to Lecture Hall 14.
1) The first minute of “No Problem” — Chance the Rapper, ft. 2 Chainz and Lil Wayne This song totally sets the mood from your last class. Nobody can fuck with you, not even your professor who deducted three points of your final paper for lateness. Fuck them! Keep your head banging while Chance gets you pumped. Make sure you stop right at the word “me.” This should hold you over from the library, and all the way over the bridge. 2) The first minute of “Closer” — The Chainsmokers Now you’re walking into the Lecture Hall, but don’t let the momentum die! Don’t you totally feel ready for the weekend and for class now? Here’s to another hour and a half of going on Facebook while nodding your head at the professor to compensate for your disrespect. 3) The lines “Now if I fuck this model/ And she just bleached her asshole/ And I get bleach on my T-shirt/ I’ma feel like an asshole” of “Father Stretch My Hands Pt. 1” — Kanye West Because what else do you need for a pre-midterm pump-up while you’re trying not to spill your Jazzman’s on your calc 2 study guide?
Jenna Talia/On Top A BU freshman shares his collection of all but one of his free orientation condoms with Pipe Bomb staff, but he says he used up all the Magnums already.
Freshmen explain: The art of the fuck Think you know how to Bone? These 18-year-olds will school u Ron Jeremy & Stoya Sexperts This weekend, I finally lost my virginity! It was sort of fun, and here’s what I learned in those three minutes of bliss (before he pulled out and got cum in my hair — shoutout to my suitemate Amanda for helping get it out this morning). 1. Don’t wear your cutest underwear. I don’t think I’ll ever get my Victoria’s Secret baby-pink lace thong back from the depths of his laundry-covered floor. 2. Make sure he has a condom, but, like, it should probably be big on his dick. That’s a thing I never really knew until Ben explained that it’s good to have a little extra space at the end of it. 3. Try to moan, because if he thinks you’re having a good
time, it’ll be easier for him to finish, and he keeps saying he wants to. 4. Make your moans relatively quiet, because Sam and Joe totally knocked on the door at 5 a.m. and asked us to be quiet. Luckily, we were almost done anyway. 5. If you had the punch, watch out for how your stomach feels, and I don’t mean you might throw up. This only applies if you’re sleeping over. 6. Wear comfortable shoes, because even though Ben promised to drive me home the next morning, he totally forgot he had to go take the LSATs. Also, for those of you wondering: Everyone says orgasms feel great, but I honestly didn’t feel mine at all. I only know it happened because he told me it did.
Since Sarah finally let me bone her last weekend after a cab ride back to campus from JT’s, I’m basically an expert on all things sex. Now, I’m imparting my wisdom on you, reader, so you can equally rock some lucky girl’s world. Boys, make sure you held on to those free condoms from orientation, because you’re gonna need them — and it’s just like the movies, believe me. 1. Grab onto the hips of a hot babe from behind and start working your magic. Hopefully, she doesn’t turn around and look at you just yet, and you can charm her with some pickup lines you read on Total Frat Move. Then when enough grinding has happened, spin her around and start a round of tonsil hockey. Once you’ve fully slobbered over everyone around you, grab her hand and walk out of JT’s to the cab line. Offer to pay her $4 ride, she deserves it. 2. Set the mood: Once you get to your dorm, throw your clothes
off your twin-size bed and onto your roommate’s bed as they’re waiting in the common room for you to finish doing the nasty. Also, be sure to turn on the Christmas lights around your Bob Marley and Pink Floyd posters to illuminate scene. 3. Pick the right condom for the job. Even though you easily found one that fit, make it seem like a big deal that you finally found one the right size for your massive shlong. 4. Last at least 30 seconds: This one is gonna be hard, boys, but stick with me. She’s not gonna come begging back for more if you shoot your load in under 10. 5. Make sure to ask if she likes it — if she says she does, then she totally came. 6. Don’t let her sleep over. If she has already fallen asleep, wake her up and set the boundaries now. This is for sex only, until you decide she has a really quality personality in a couple of weeks.
March 30, 2017 | Farmersonly.com
5
LARPING MONTHLY
Memes no longer all trash Yum! Tasty Soylent Recipes! Campus social media is finally a little relevant Damn Daniel Meme YAAAAAAS Kween After years shrouded in the veil of odd posts and weak references, the Binghamton University social media team has finally announced the official hiring of Dat Boi. Boi will be in charge of running the official Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, Snapchat and LinkedIn accounts for the University for the next three years, as per his contract. The unicycle-wielding frog will begin posting memes as soon as it can get its slimy, webby fingers onto a University-issued Android. “We really feel he can get through to people online,” said Assistant Social Media Adviser Brian Tarosh. “He knows what’s dank, he knows what isn’t dank. That’s all there is too it. LOLZ XD.” The University had previously been known for posting weak versions of the athlete meme, a
three-month-late “This is bob, be like bob” post and an unsettling grumpy cat with vaguely collegerelated overlaid text. “It’s all about getting hip with it.,” Tarosh said. “Kids are always on their phone, so what better way to connect to them than by taking something they find funny, and then changing the words so it encourages going to Late Nite Binghamton. One does not simply connect with the student.” Tarosh said that it warms his heart every times he realizes that one of the University’s multiple try-hard accounts gets another like. “I don’t always get excited to look at my phone, but when I do, it’s because someone validated that we are a real university,” Tarosh said. “LEFT SHARK.” Pipe Dream got the opportunity to sit down with Dat Boi for an exclusive interview. “Oh, shit,” Dat Boi said. “Waddup?”
This change comes after some students expressed dissatisfaction with what they saw as subpar meme performance by the official BU accounts. “Like, come the fuck on,” said Trill Manning, a senior majoring in memeology. “As a professional, I am just disgusted, but I’m really hoping to see improvement soon.”
Robot Kapour | Ew
Looking for a solid set of snacks? We don’t have that, but we have something even better: Soylent. The drink makes eating unnecessary and that makes life better. To help you make a seamless transition to the nectar of soy, Pipe Dream has some fun recipes for you to try.
HOT SOYLENT
SOYLENT IN A BOWL
FROTHY SOYLENT
Ingredients: One bottle of Soylent 1. Microwave Soylent for 15 seconds on high. 2. Serve.
Ingredients: One bottle of Soylent 1. Pour into a bowl. 2. Serve.
Ingredients: One bottle of Soylent 1. Whip Soylent into a froth. 2. Serve.
'One does SOYLENT IN A GLASS
not simply
Ingredients: One bottle of Soylent 1. Pour Soylent into a glass. 2. Serve.
connect with the student'
COLD SOYLENT Ingredients: One bottle of Soylent 1. Freeze Soylent in an ice cube tray. 2. Serve.
— Brian Tarosh The Assistant Social Media Adviser
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VALIDATE ME Time is made up, nothing matters
DEAR
KRISTEN
what's your problem this week?
So, recently, I had a nightmare that I was in Margaret Atwood’s “The Handmaid’s Tale” and then I woke up and realized that I wasn’t dreaming. Like, the world is seriously awful right now and I feel if I don’t remind people enough, we’ll have another Hitler on our hands. I know I should check my privilege because I’m still alive, but I’m just scared, ya know? Also, my boyfriend’s dad just died and he’s really bumming me out. Like, I’m not saying boys can’t cry, but he’s done it twice this month! Ugh, what do I do? Sincerely, Strugglin’
HI MOM
Elizabeth Manning/Editorial Artist
Hey Mom. We know you’re the only one who reads this shit. We wanted to say thank you. We work really hard on creating thoughtful, engaging discourse around important problems affecting our community. It’s nice to know that someone appreciates these and hears our ideas, even if it’s just you and your friends who you tell at book club. Last Monday, when we bravely called out the administration and issued sweeping recommendations for grading reform, your text that said, “Your
article was so insightful! So proud of you honey : - )” really validated the 30-plus hours a week we spend creating a paper with the hopes of defending the values of free speech that expose real world injustices. But you don’t have to tag us when you share our pieces — it takes away from our likes. When we interviewed the mayor of Binghamton and made a heartfelt plea urging students to engage in their communities, you emailed us, “Great work! Can’t
wait for you to come home for break. Did you buy new clothes yet?” This is the support we need to keep us going. How’s Dad? He says he reads our editorials, but I’m pretty sure he skimmed the one we wrote about Trump a while back and hasn’t read one since. Like, I literally asked him what he thought about our free-tuition piece. He said “I see your points, but your argument’s a little liberal for my taste.” We didn’t
even write an editorial on free tuition. But of course, he has time for horse racing — there’s always fucking horse racing to keep him entertained. Oh, just one thing: We’re not called The Pipe Dream. It’s just Pipe Dream. Please stop posting The Pipe Dream on Facebook; it’s screwing up our search rankings. You post so often that Google actually started asking me if I mean The Pipe Dream when I search our newspaper name.
Views expressed on this page are opinions for God's sake. Please stop emailing us about them. Don't you have something better to do? Why are you using your time to write a 3,000 word email to a college newspaper about our use of an Oxford comma? Actually, that one was an interesting read but you get our point.
I am the Dark One, Bringer of Shadows You may know me as Baxter, demon mascot feared by all Baxter the Bearcat
Trusted Messenger of Satan
overlord satan himself, I witness your defeated faces as you drag your sad feet up and down the Spine. I laugh as you continue to endure the dark clouds and frigid weather that I’ve summoned. You know no happiness. At the end of each semester, when I roam the stacks of the library, you hopeless worshippers of darkness have been drained of your worldly energy and collapse, unconscious, on all surfaces. You consume the Devil’s jitter juice —something I invented to tame you — just to remain awake while you stare at your books filled with limited human knowledge. You know nothing of the dark wisdom my powerful brain possesses. You foolish flesh sacks may never be accepted to Satan’s realm, but I will certainly put in a good word for my most faithful worshippers: the BU Zoo. You spread the gospel of my terror throughout the dull masses. I will not thank you, because you are not worthy of my gratitude. However, your efforts have been noted and may or may not please our overlord. There is no resistance. There is no light. There is only Baxter, the Dark One.
Mortals, silence yourselves and give me your undivided attention as I depart my message onto your unworthy, miniscule souls. I am the one known as the Dark One, Bringer of Shadows. You, my worshippers, know me as Baxter, a name which I assume in your language means “the terrifying beast” or “demon of all screams.” I sense your fear as I march past you at your sporting ceremonies. When I gesture toward your weak, fleshy bodies, you scream and hit your small clawless hands together in pure terror. You may sense my power, but you could never comprehend it. Your brittle human frames are no match for my ferocious powerful jaws. My claws, sharper than machete blades, could easily disembowel your pathetic guts faster than you can say, “Satan is the true overlord of the Demon Realm, may he forever control my life force.” It is clear that my terrifying reign has made all of you my docile servants. As I stand on top — Baxter the Bearcat is an of the Library Tower to perform immortal majoring in domination my morning sacrifices to our great of the human realm.
Wait, can you just shut the fuck up for five minutes and let me think? Actually, can every sentient being just shut the fuck up for like, five minutes? I’m not asking for an entire day, or even six minutes. Just 300 unadulterated seconds of people not having to hear everyone’s stupid fucking voice. Some cities have an initiative where everyone turns off their lights for a night in order to see the stars. If everyone just shut the fuck up for five minutes once a year, it may be enough to purge our ears from the decades of bullshit we’ve heard from everyone and their mothers. Unfortunately, there is a dearth of research investigating the direct ratio of time spent shutting the fuck up to improved knowledge and mental clarity, but I think five minutes is a fair goal. Perhaps each year, we can try to beat the previous record by a minute, eventually leading to an entire 24 hours of pure, unadulterated silence which will greatly please our martian overlords 1,440 years from now. This may be a bit hard to swallow, but no one gives a shit about you or what you have to say. I’m depressed as fuck. I envy death row prisoners, not only because they get to die, but because they get some burgers and milkshakes out of it, too. But you, reader, are not my therapist. Nor are my friends, family and innocent passersby. I am not the type of monster to answer the question “How are you?” with any answer besides, “Fine, thanks.” I do not unburden my dark thoughts upon you like Forrest Gump because I’m a good person. I saw what a dick Forrest Gump was, and he made everyone uncomfortable with all his candidness. How dare he defy our social conventions that govern the most trivial of interactions. By being fake, I’m sparing you the pain of pretending to give a shit. You’re welcome. Oh, and speaking of shit, this country just needs a massive enema. A very wise high school teacher would always quell his students’ anxieties by offering simple advice. “All you need to do is take a shit and relax.” To my professor who still finds Hellen Keller jokes offensive, to my white nationalist cousins that use their ‘Irish Pride’ to discriminate against entire groups of people, to the rest of my family that isn’t as racist, but is still so white trash that they serve as the inspiration for at least two David O. Russell films, just take a shit and relax. I hope this answered your question. Next time solve your own fucking problems.
What the fuck is Creativity+?
Does anyone know what the hell this group actually does? Harvey Stenger
Overpaid Public Employee
Jesus Christ. I need to know. Can anyone tell me what the fuck Creativity+ is? When they asked me to speak at their Valentine’s Day event with Ryan Vaughan, I think my exact response to my secretary was, “Yeah sure, that’s not a fucking waste of my time.” I guess that’s the last time I try sarcasm with my staff. Shit, I even Googled it:
“Creativity Plus Binghamton.” Not a single result. How is that possible? Even the Zombie Student Association gets fucking search results, and they run around in a basement shooting each other with foam darts. Creativity+, I shit you not, has an event on their Facebook page from last year called “Through the Wormhole with Morgan Freeman and Gummy Worms AND REECE’S CUPS.” What? Why? I spent an hour of my life talking for a group that gets together to watch Netflix and can’t even spell Reese’s correctly. I called an emergency
student meeting of my Roadmap Student Task Force interns, to see if any students knew. “What is Creativity+?” I asked them, trying to hold back tears of frustration. The students can’t see me cry, not again. They all just stared at their feet. No one even answered, not even a single “I don’t know.” We just sat there for about 10 minutes in palpable fucking silence until they left my office one by one. What the hell is this group and what is it doing to my students? I can’t sleep at night. My wife says I haven’t been acting the same
lately. I don’t remember what it feels like to smile. Please help me. If you have any information, please call UPD. I ripped out all my phone cords, smashed my computer and am locking myself in my Couper Administration Building office. I’m writing this op-ed on several napkins I got from the Marketplace and I’m going to drop it out of the window in hopes that Pipe Dream picks it up. — Harvey Stenger is a glorified high school principal who makes half a million dollars.
In defense of an engineering degree Who needs to know how to reed [sic] when u have all this $ Norah Marktica
Engineer? I hardly know her!
Editor’s note: This column was not edited for clarity, spelling or grammar at the request of the author, who asked that Pipe Dream editors keep their “filthy paws” off of his writing. This year, U.S. News & World Report announced that the Watson School was the 135th-best school for engineering. And while the school is thrilled to hold that honor, recognizing the high level of academic rigor for its classes in mathematics and physics, its
students would like it if other people at BU stopped pointing out that we lack other, basic skills, like knowing how to spell. According to nationally recognized psychiatrist, Dr. N. Tesla, engineers suffer from an affliction called “engineer brain.” The disease allows them to think only in terms of numbers and rational functions. Often, they cant [sic] understand empathy or other human emotions and have trouble interpreting what many in the field call “that liberal-arts-college bull.” English majors wouldn’t understand, but its hard [sic] to go from internship to internship every summer. With all of the time that we devote to learning how
to literally build bridges or lifesaving technology, it’s hard to find time to pick up, like, a book. Or anything with complicated words in it. Recently, one of my friends had to explain to me what exactly a dictionary is. Honestly, it seems useless. Haven’t you all heard of Java? It doesn’t help that in the classroom, it would be a detriment to focus on anything outside of those hard-science skills: any course subject that might help us build some empathy would get in the way of what’s really important for when we graduate. i [sic] cannot read anything outside of binary, so this column is actually being written by my friend, who transferred into the Watson School from Harpur
College after his first semester here (he retained some, but not all, of his literary comprehension). Look, my point is, it’s not easy making a six-figure salery [sic] right out of school. Many of us literally don’t know what to do with that kind of wealth, so because we’re so stressed out about it, it’s difficult to not talk about it all the time. Sorry if that makes us sound like total assholes, but it’s a real problem that we know our peers who study things like English would never understand. — Norah Marktica is a sophomore doublemajoring in engineering and superiority complexes.
NAP
Thursday, March 30, 2017 I Drew This While Sleeping
Elizabeth Manning
ATTENTION, PUZZLE SOLVERS! These puzzles are real. Seriously, we wouldn't fuck with you like that.
Sudoku
By The Mepham Group
Level: 1 2 3 4 Solution to Monday's puzzle
Napocolypse
Nate Walker
© 2017 The Mepham Group. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency. All rights reserved.
3/30/17
FOR RELEASE MARCH 30, 2017
THE Daily Commuter Puzzle
Good Night, Sweet Prince
Nate Walker TYPES OF NAPS -“I don’t take naps because I don’t sleep” -Depression Nap -I Have Nothing Better To Do Nap -Roommate Started To Jerk Off So I Have To Pretend Not To Be Awake Nap -Ignoring Work Nap -Someone Tried To Mansplain Shit To Me Nap -Hangover Nap -I’ve Blacked Out And You Need To Carry Me Back To Campus Nap -I Meet Harvey In My Dreams Nap
ACROSS 1 Chances 5 __ it all; use up one’s money 10 Study right before a test 14 Ring out 15 More sickly looking 16 Wahine’s dance 17 No longer wild 18 Soldier’s gun 19 Lawn trees 20 Said “Achoo!” 22 Most miserable 24 Compete 25 Wanderer 26 Hard to climb 29 Laying bird 30 Work 34 “Yours, Mine & __”; Dennis Quaid movie 35 Skirt’s edge 36 Colorful shawl 37 So. state 38 Moms & dads 40 Actress Arthur 41 Fate 43 __ uncle; admit defeat 44 Give, but expect back 45 Say something 46 Big __; semi 47 Unkempt 48 Acting parts 50 Lisa Simpson’s instrument 51 Unconventional 54 Piano student’s event 58 Objective 59 Large parrot 61 Outer garment 62 Exasperate 63 Portion 64 Plow pullers 65 BPOE folks 66 Derisive smile 67 Robert De __ DOWN 1 __ for; chooses 2 Martin or Cain 3 Knighted British woman
by Jacqueline E. Mathews
Monday’s Puzzle Solved
4 Coat parts 5 Shopping __; spender’s fling 6 __ for; bought 7 North Pole worker 8 Ozzie or Willie 9 Reverie 10 Cheese variety 11 Bylaw 12 Money donated to the poor 13 Ship’s pole 21 __ code; part of an address 23 Evans and Robertson 25 Archenemy 26 __ up; absorbs 27 Bulb flower 28 __ a hard drive; delete all info 29 __ Majesty Queen Elizabeth II 31 “__ in Toyland” 32 Unlocks 33 All prepared 35 Biretta or derby
©2017 Tribune Content Agency, LLC All Rights Reserved.
36 38 39 42 44 46 47 49 50
Pigpen Tea variety Henpeck Child’s game Dictionary Keep Apple computer Light sources Seamstress
51 Meanie 52 Aluminum wrap 53 Actor Peter __ 54 Marathon 55 Cab 56 Copycat 57 TV’s Jay __ 60 Bee’s follower
SporkS
DOGSLEDDING
BU TAKES NATIONAL TITLE VISIT BUPUPDREAM.COM ON APRIL 1
Thursday, March 30, 2017
Little leaguers dominate AE
Maine-Endwell replaces BU players, finishes undefeated
A-Roid Former Yankee Fuckboi
STENGER TO STAR ON BU HOCKEY TEAM
Most Stengester/BU Hockey Goalie
Steng, Stenger, Stengest and Stengester pose on the ice with Baxter after a 3-2 victory over Colgate.
Desperate for DI squad, Stenger to play all six positions John Daly Amateur Golfer/Professional Drinker
After years of advocating for a NCAA Division I hockey team, Binghamton University President Harvey Stenger has gotten his wish, as the Ice Bearcats are set to take the rink next winter. However, there is a small catch to establishing this team. “In order to expedite the process of starting a Division I team here at Binghamton, I have decided to participate on the team,” Stenger said. It does not stop there, though. Stenger is going above and beyond to prove his dedication to the newly founded hockey program. “Since there are no current
hockey players on scholarship at BU, the NCAA wanted us to wait a year so we can recruit and build a roster before beginning play,” Stenger said. “But I’m tired of waiting. I intend to play all six positions on the ice next season.” This announcement may come as a shock to some, but Stenger has long been waiting for a hockey team and won’t put his dream on hold just to recruit college-age players. “The way I look at it is if we start play this year, it only improves our chances of being successful,” he said. “Do guys want to come to a school where the team has never played a game? No, not a chance.” It is no secret to anyone that attends Binghamton that Stenger is a huge hockey fan. Every time
he’s in a meeting pretending to listen to whatever Provost Donald Nieman has to say, his mind wanders to his glory days on the ice. Playing every single position on the ice is a tall task, though, even for a devoted hockey fan like Stenger. “It’ll be tough playing every position,” Stenger said. “But recruits want to see a school’s passion for the game. I can’t think of any other way to show that than having me out on the ice.” As for facing off against other schools, the first step is for Stenger to hire a coach. Surprisingly, he will not take on the coaching duties for the team. “Patrick Elliott, the athletic director, and myself will conduct
the coaching search,” Stenger said. “We are looking for someone to lead this team who will get the best out of me on the ice and also the best out of the guys we recruit.” It’s rumored the Gordon Bombay — of Mighty Ducks fame — is in talks with BU for the position. Contrary to popular belief, there is no NCAA rule that states that a school’s president may not partake in sports. Stenger said he was aware of this fact and knew the NCAA had no choice but to let him play. “It’s not often that an NCAA ruling benefits anyone except itself, but I’m just really happy for the opportunity to lace up my skates like I didn’t ride the bench for four years at Cornell,” he said.
For the first time in program history, the Binghamton baseball team has gone undefeated in conference play. The unprecedented streak comes after the offseason decision to replace the entire squad with middle schoolers from MaineEndwell Little League, which won the Little League World Series last August. Baseball is BU’s most successful team, having captured the America East Championship in three of the past four seasons, and the infusion of 13-year-olds has powered the Bearcats to a national ranking. “It’s so easy to motivate these kids to come out every day and give it all they’ve got,” said BU head coach Tim Sinicki. “All I have to do is promise to let them stay up past 9 p.m.” Before sweeping Stony Brook last weekend, the Bearcats arrived at the team bus 20 minutes earlier than usual. “We tried to get into JT’s last night, but my mom tracked our iPhone locations and picked us up in her minivan,” said third
baseman Ryan Harper. “I guess the extra sleep helped us come out on top.” The eighth graders have moved into Windham Hall of Mountainview College, where they were the sole attendants of Resident Assistant Eric Washburn’s “Why Safe Sex is Cool” event last Monday. “They took all of the glow-inthe-dark condoms and started throwing them at each other in the hallway,” Washburn said. “I didn’t even get to scan their ID cards.” BU’s former baseball players have been attending classes at Maine-Endwell Middle School this semester in order to make room for their replacements. On a recent visit, they were labeling capitals in Mrs. Wilson’s world geography class. At lunchtime, they sucked dejectedly from Mott’s apple juice boxes, wishing they were fishbowls. The middle schoolers believe that the six months since their record victory have prepared them for college. “We’ve always known that we could score on the field,” said pitcher Tanner Smith. “But now that we’re teenagers, we want to hit some home runs with the ladies, too.”
Little Maine Paparazzi Maine-Endwell eighth graders celebrate their Little League World Series victory.
Baxter wins championship Playoff hopes lost in beard Bearcat captures Mascot Sadness crown
Wolfie the Seawolf/Stony Brook University Baxter accepts the first annual Mascot Sadness Award.
Wade Boggs 64 on a cross-country flight
Binghamton University suffered a crushing blow this week when beloved mascot Baxter was eliminated in the third round of the fifth annual SUNY Mascot Madness tournament. Since BU’s basketball teams are winless in the NCAA Tournament, Baxter’s
success in Mascot Madness serves as BU’s main point of pride. The defeat was a huge upset, as ninth-seed Corning Community College edged BU by less than 1 percent, continuing the Red Baron’s Cinderella run into the final four. All was not lost, though, as Baxter instead garnered the first-ever Mascot Sadness Award. According to SUNY Chancellor
Nancy Zimpher, Baxter stood out because of the high rate at which students still say “What the fuck is a Bearcat?” “Baxter is a two-time SUNY Mascot Madness champion, so to lose to a community college is pretty embarrassing,” she said. The criticism may seem harsh, but Baxter is no stranger to the spotlight. He was in the final four in the first tournament before winning two straight championships. The last two years, though, Baxter has choked in the third round. When contacted for comment, members of the BU Zoo, Binghamton’s poor attempt at a student-cheering section, were found in the basement of the Events Center. They were huddled together, lamenting students’ lack of spirit. “Seriously, guys?” said Raymond Gunderson, a senior majoring in painting his face and president of the BU Zoo. “We give you free shit every Friday just for wearing green and you can’t even fill out a survey and vote for Baxter?” The Mascot Sadness Championship is nothing to gloss over, though. “Any trophy is a trophy to be proud of, here at Binghamton,” said BU President Harvey Stenger. “We’re not a school known for winning, so taking home a title for the worst performance in this tournament is certainly exciting and shows the potential we have.”
Willie Rod's facial hair swallows dreams
Grayson Allen Manchild
Junior forward Willie Rodriguez looked down and gasped with astonishment halfway through an earlymorning scrimmage. Then, he looked around and shrugged his shoulders. In a practice session that was part of the Binghamton men’s basketball team’s grueling offseason workout regime, the Bearcats’ playoff hopes and dreams were found after falling out of Willie Rodriguez’s beard. They had been missing for 15 years. “I just can’t believe that they were in there this entire time,”
Rodriguez said. “It felt really heavy but, uh, I think I’m confident that we’re going to play better going forward.” According to BU head coach Tommy Dempsey, BU’s playoff hopes and dreams weren’t the only thing that dropped out. Dempsey’s whiteboard, game plans and sophomore guard Timmy Rose also fell from Rodriguez’s bristly whiskers. Rose will undergo season-ending surgery to repair a torn ligament that was broken in the fall. After a heartbreaking end to their season, the Bearcats began a challenging offseason routine, which is when the incident took place. The frequent workout sessions, created by BU Director
of Sports Medicine Chris Downey, were designed to prevent the Bearcats from losing nine straight games ever again. “It’s a tough break, but we’re just going to have to rally together,” Dempsey said. “We’re going to have to have some guys step up and we’ll move forward.” Later Wednesday, Rodriguez was spotted in the locker room comparing the size of his beard to Baxter’s whiskers. Rodriguez left disappointed after realizing that Baxter’s bristles were clearly longer. “We’re excited as a group,” Dempsey said. “Moving forward, we’re excited about playing good basketball and we’re excited about winning.”
I just can't believe they were there the entire time — Willie Rodriguez BU junior forward
Provided by BU Athletics A clipboard and sophomore guard Timmy Rose were found in the beard of junior forward Willie Rodriguez on Wednesday morning.