PIPE BOMB
April Fools, 2018 | Vol. LOL, Pipe Bomb | A Good School | pipedream.com ;)
The "Free" Word on Campus Since 1946
Mein Bowl Mary named president Sodexo employee elected to SA E-Board in upset
Cake Cake Cake | Photobomber Binghamton University President Harvey Stenger was floating in the Peace Quad one minute, and gone the next.
Stenger found after six-month search University president flew away at birthday bash BU Public Relations
Hot Air Balloon Enthusiast
Binghamton University President Harvey Stenger was spotted last night flying over Homer, New York, ending a six-month search. Stenger went missing on Sept. 27 during his birthday celebration in the Peace Quad, when he flew away in a hot air balloon rented from Southern Tier Balloon Tours. After three days, staff in the Couper Administration Building became concerned about his welfare, prompting a search of Broome County led by Binghamton’s New York State University Police, Vestal Police Department and Binghamton
Police Department. After police failed to locate Stenger in Broome County, Gov. Andrew Cuomo was notified of his absence, and called for a statewide search. An Excelsior Scholarship was offered as a reward for information regarding Stenger’s whereabouts, however, until last night, no sightings had been reported. Now that Stenger has been found, the next step will be getting him out of the sky. Until the hot air balloon cools enough to land, Stenger will continue to travel around central New York. UPD officers have been assigned to track the balloon and notify the University community via B-Line when Stenger lands. Roughly a week after Stenger’s disappearance, Brian Rose was selected to serve as the University’s interim president. Rose said he is relieved to hear that Stenger
is safe. “God, am I happy,” Rose said. “Otherwise, I might have been stuck with this crappy job for another six months. Do you know how hard it is to run this shithole? And you don’t even get any appreciation from the students. It’s horrible, I tell you. Harvey can have it.” Stenger wrote a statement to the University community on a “Happy Birthday” napkin and threw it out of the balloon. The note, recovered by a Pipe Dream reporter, expressed Stenger’s appreciation to those who searched for him. “I am so grateful to the emergency responders who have worked overtime to locate me,” the statement read. “I was just trying to fly to Animal Adventure Park to see April the giraffe, but wasn’t able to come down. These brave men and women have truly rescued me in my hour of need, and I hope to land soon.”
Bowl Mary said. “I’ll make sure to feed as many students as possible — I will work to make the food more affordable and the teriyaki chicken more delicious Tully's Lady Sodexo Spokesperson than ever.” Except for president, all other The candidates for the 2018- positions were aggressively 19 Student Association (SA) contested. Mo Ghul, a senior Executive Board braved cold majoring in comparative spices, winds last night to discover the obtained a narrow win of 2,358 final hidden votes left by students across Binghamton University’s campus. With some close races decided by only five votes, this year’s elections were the most cutthroat in recent memory, with one candidate even climbing the clock tower to secure 50 hacked votes. It has not been announced why the ballots were made of confetti. Mein Bowl Mary, 45, won the position of SA president after securing an impressive Mary is a familiar face to students 4,999 votes from students. Her in the Marketplace. She will serve platform of never letting students as the 2018-19 SA president. go hungry and providing a 20 votes for the position of vice percent discount to students president of multicultural food who voted for her was met with against Chick-N-Bap, a junior enthusiasm, with students majoring in Korean barbecue choosing to hide their votes in technology, who received 2,353 her cash register and rice bowl. votes. Jazzman Cafe, a junior She received endorsements from majoring in latte art techniques, Sodexo, Bear Necessities Food will serve as next year’s Pantry and several multicultural executive vice president despite food organizations. competition from Einstein Bros, Roughly 49.99 percent of a sophomore majoring in the students voted for Mein Bowl politics of bagels. Dunkin Donuts, Mary as their first choice. Her a junior double-majoring in two opponents, Nan Goroom, business administration and 65, whose slogan was “Comfort accounting, will assume the vice food is key,” and Pam Erabred, president for finance position a transfer freshman who ran with 1,398 votes. a campaign based on a joint “Although I had to go away strategy confusion, received for a bit because of an emergency 3,158 votes and 1,843 votes, situation, it was worth it,” Bux respectively. said. “I’m glad I was able to “Thank you to everyone who obtain the votes I needed to stay provided votes for me,” Mein on campus.”
ZBT, AEPi brothers brawl Counseling Center fills void with psychology students
Jewish fraternities make "amens" at Chabad
Class has yet to cover mental health, but students perscribe treatment
Ko$her Korner
Director of Greek Life
After a brawl that led to the arrest of three students, the Zeta Beta Tau and Alpha Epsilon Pi fraternities have set aside their differences at Shabbat dinner. Last month, the groups came under fire for their conflict. Several members of each group fought outside of the Rohr Chabad Center for Jewish Life on Feb. 15, prompting that night’s challahbaking event to be postponed. “There can only be one Jewish fraternity, two tops,” said Harry Levine, the treasurer of Alpha Epsilon Pi and a junior majoring in business administration. The Jewish fraternities on campus have seen a sharp rise and fall over the last decade. After an investigation showed the former Alpha Epsilon Pi chapter to be hazing its pledges by making them eat eucharistic wafers, the chapter was kicked off of campus and became APES. Alpha Epsilon Pi brought a chapter back to campus a few years later, and Zeta Beta Tau joined the Interfraternity Council this year. “I’m just an adult trying to
Pavlov's Dog
Freudian Psychologist
Brad Smith | Shabbos Goy
Right in the schmeckle! Oy vey!
relive the worst part of college,” said Brad Steinman, the man-child in charge of selecting members for the new chapter of Zeta Beta Tau. The Shabbat dinner was held this past weekend and featured dry chicken and not enough
soup for everyone. There was a big group hug at the end of the dinner, and the presidents of each group proclaimed that the war was finally over. “Good,” said Harvey Stenger, the freaking president of BU.
ARTS & CULTURE
Following criticism from the Student Association and multiple student groups, the University Counseling Center (UCC) has begun to initiate changes. Students requiring long-term services will now be partnered with students maintaining a C+ average or better in PSYC 111: General Psychology. Slack Bot, a professor of psychology, teaches the 400-student lecture and voiced her confidence in the students chosen. “We need to start taking our students’ mental health seriously, and these young psychologists have the basis necessary to tackle serious mental health issues,” Bot said. “I haven’t covered the part of the class about psychological disorders yet, though. We’ll be getting to it soon.” Genny Genesee, an undeclared freshman, said she just made the grade cutoff for the program and wants to use the experience to gauge her interest in psychology. “After taking the midterm and receiving a below-average grade, I knew I would be perfect for the program,” Genesee said. “Professor Bot referred me, so I’m sure I’ll be fine.” Frat Bro, who is also a student in Bot’s class, said as the class continues to learn more material, they will be well-suited to counsel students.
“Once we learn the basic definitions for psychological disorders like depression, generalized anxiety disorder, bipolar disorder and schizophrenia, we’ll be able to deal with a variety of mental health concerns,” Bro said. “For now, we’re just using Wikipedia definitions and our own common sense. I learned a little about the Stanford Prison Experiment, I think that’ll probably be useful.” According to Klon Opin, associate professor of psychology and one of the faculty working in tandem with the UCC to implement the program, there will also be therapy dogs to complement the students’ services. After the success of oncampus events featuring therapy dogs, Opin believes the dogs will be able to take over more important roles in the UCC. “I was worried about the students not having much experience with it, but they’re going to have the therapy dogs with them too, so I think it’ll be successful,” Opin said. “And pretty soon, we think the dogs will be able to run the afterhours emergency phone service completely on their own.” Students will be able to complete this program to replace the research study course requirement, which can be fulfilled by participating in research studies in the psychology department. Bot said this is a much more immersive experience, and she knows her students are up for the challenge. “We are pioneers, setting the foundation for the future of psychology and mental health services at BU,” Bot said. “With a little teamwork and ingenuity, we can keep delaying adequate funding for the UCC for years to come.”
OPINIONS
SPORTS
Below the fold? More like, I like anal!
You missed the withdraw deadline — and so did your dad!
Watch us play devil’s advocate,
I don’t care that you broke your elbow in high school,
Damn you, Bernice!
See page 6969
See ahhhhhhhh
See page 666
See page 8
See page 8
2
NOOZ
pipedream.com ;) | March 27, 2018
University constructs new shrine to Flo New Excelsior requirements fit one person
Ten-year construction project unveiled last week Aflac Duck
We Are Farmers, Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun
According to a recent statement released by Physical Facilities, the construction surrounding the science buildings is actually the beginnings of a shrine to Flo the Progressive Girl. Price gun in hand, Flo will stand at 98 feet tall, the same size as the famous Christ the Redeemer statue located in Rio de Janeiro. Students and faculty are encouraged by the administration to pay their respects to Binghamton University’s only claim to fame once construction is completed. “While we are a secular campus, we’d like to think that everyone at LEAST worships Flo to a certain extent,” a Physical Facilities spokesperson wrote in a KIK message. “We’re hoping this brings some spirituality to campus.” According to University President Harvey Stenger, the idea for this shrine started as soon as Flo’s first commercial premiered on TBS after a “Friends” marathon in 2008. Stenger said it’s been a slow process due to legal battles with Progressive Insurance. “We created Flo,” Stenger said. “It’s not fair.” When questioned why he does not use Flo’s real name, Stenger looked confused and upset. When further
questioned if he knew that Flo was a fictional character, he began to cry. Stephanie Courtney graduated from BU with a bachelor’s degree in English. Some of her notable works include her part as “Woman” in an “Everybody Loves Raymond” episode titled “Cookies,” and her role of “Additional Voices” in an episode of “Phineas and Ferb” in 2012. However, Courtney’s most notable role is obviously Flo the Progressive Girl, where she wows audiences with her 1960s hairstyle and blue headband. Some students said that knowing Flo the Progressive Girl graduated from BU was a huge deciding factor. “I was deciding between Binghamton and Cornell, and when I found out Cornell was not going to give me any money AND Flo graduated from BU? I was sold,” said Brother Bear Berenstain, a junior majoring in economics. Scott Tooshie, a senior majoring in theater economics with a concentration in that one part of Hamilton where Alexander Hamilton is trying to start America’s first national bank, said he looks forward to bringing his kids to the statue someday. “I just need to find who adopted them, and then the first thing we do will be to visit Flo,” Tooshie said. Pipe Dream reached out to Ingrid Michaelson, the only other notable alumna from BU, for a comment, but she denies ever going to the University. According to Stenger, the shrine was the obvious next step in his Road
Terms only apply to BU students Miranda Hobbs Governor of Sex
As Gov. Andrew Cuomo’s Excelsior Scholarship prepares for its second academic year, the governor’s office has released a new list of requirements for eligible Binghamton University students. The new requirements are listed below:
Overworked Engineer | Science II Resident Flo the Progressive Girl stands proudly looking over Binghamton University like a mother looking over her child.
Map initiative. “This has been a really long process,” Stenger said. “We already have Flo’s commencement speech on a loop outside of Jazzman’s in Bartle,
but we got to thinking, ‘How can we capitalize off of this angelic woman in a bigger and better way?’ And this was really the only option in our minds.”
Wuest deers to dream big Former SA candidate single-handedly culls Bambi's Mom
Endorsed Him Once
Michael Wuest is taking matters into his own hands. After losing the position of Student Association (SA) president on the platform of preserving the Nature Preserve, Wuest has purchased a hunting rifle from the Vestal Walmart and organized a deer cull in support of Binghamton’s natural areas. His loss has allowed him to focus on this initiative, which incidentally has nothing to do with the SA. “Ever since ‘Bambi’ messed with my emotional balance like that — how could the mom die? — I’ve held a deep-hearted vengeance for the mangy species,” Wuest said. “Even though culling the Preserve’s deer population doesn’t really affect the student body, one way or another, I want to see this campus be cleaned of the creatures.”
Frat bros bro against "bro Juuling" Brothers condemn pods on campus Frat Bro Pi Delta
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Reportedly, Wuest can be found late at night sauntering around campus with his Marlin 336C, looking for strays that have made their way into the edges of the residential communities. During daylight hours, his professors have noted that the former SA candidate has been missing
Tella Boobintin | Former Campaign Manager
classes to prove his dedication to giving Binghamton University the premier Nature Preserve of the Northeast it deserves. Although the deer overpopulation is a pressing issue, they just wish he would start coming back to class. “As much as I admire his efforts, I’m not sure this is
more important than Politics of Counterterrorism,” said Repub Lican, a professor in the political science department. Just outside his office window, Lican could see Wuest strapping on his camouflage jacket and reflective vest. Back to the Nature Preserve he went.
New Panera, don't know where-a Last text sent reads, "I found it!!! Yummm."
out to the new eatery, located at the place where the sidewalk ends, but few have returned to tell the story, and nobody is quite sure Bread Bowl where the restaurant is located. At Corelife Mac McCheese, a sophomore majoring in historic battles of the Bread bowl-loving bitches, War of 1812, left his dorm room have no fear! After months of at 3:24 a.m. to attend the grand back and forth, Panera is now on opening of the hidden restaurant, campus, but there’s a catch — you according to his roommate, Dale may disappear trying to find it. Brie. Many students have ventured Brie, a sophomore majoring
Taken every day, PrEP can keep you free from HIV. You can reduce your chance of getting HIV if you use Pre-Exposure Prophylaxis. PrEP can stop HIV from taking hold and spreading throughout your body. Daily PrEP reduces the risk of getting HIV from sex by more than 90 percent. Among people who inject drugs, by more than 70 percent. Contact UHS Binghamton Primary Care at 762-3300. Our Navigator will set up an appointment and assist you with insurance and prescription information. A collaborative program of UHS Binghamton Primary Care, and the Broome County Health Department.
Students must: — Be a resident of New York and have resided in New York for 12 continuous months prior to the beginning of the term. — Be a U.S. citizen or eligible noncitizen. — Have no more than four pets. — Be no taller than five feet, eight inches. — Blink no more than 16 times per minute.
in anger management, said he received a text from McCheese at 3:25 a.m. saying, “I found it!!! Yummm.” That was the last anyone’s heard or seen from McCheese. Pipe Bomb tried to get in contact with Panera Bread, but the restaurant was hard to track down. Bea Elle-Tea, a junior majoring in Sodexo, said she was upset that the University made finding
Panera harder than finding a teaching assistant’s office in the Glenn G. Bartle Library basement. Elle-Tea, a member of the Gamma Beta Gamma sorority, said she was happy the Chenango Room was saved. “I love the Chenango Room, so I’m really happy it’s still around, but really, I don’t think they could’ve made it any harder for me to get a damn salad from Panera,” Elle-Tea said.
— Not be a part of any Greek life organization. — Beat Larry from Tom and Marty’s in a staring contest. — Prefer the Fine Arts section to the white room in Glenn G. Bartle Library. — Attend no more than two 8:30 a.m. classes in a five-day period. — Have a fake ID from either Connecticut or Maryland. — Have urinated in the alley outside of Binghamton Hots — without getting punched. — Have attended at least one wine tour for a group they’re not affiliated with. — Have eaten four Insomnia cookies when they said they would only get two. — Pledge allegiance to Binghamton University President Harvey Stenger. The requirements will take effect at the start of Cynthia Nixon’s term. One student is projected to qualify for the program.
After last year’s food drive was a roaring success, the Binghamton University chapter of Delta Tau Chi decided to tackle an issue closer to home in its 2018 philanthropy efforts: the JUULing epidemic. The brothers are calling their campaign “Tools Against JUULs.” This past year has seen a spike in JUUL usage. The JUUL by Pax Labs is an emerging e-cigarette device that makes its users dependent on nicotine. Though JUULs have fewer chemicals than actual cigarettes, thus making them appear as the better alternative, little research about a JUUL’s effects on one’s health is available. Matt Hart, a frat bro and junior majoring in political science, was an avid JUULer before he lost control of his addiction. This led to several close calls. “Before I knew it, I was reaching for every flash drive that crossed my field of vision,” Hart said. “I couldn’t tell you how many friends have gotten pissed at me for almost
shoving their flash drives in my mouth.” After Hart almost destroyed a flash drive that contained a friend’s final project for MUS 115: Pop, Rock and Soul, he knew it was time to quit. “It just seemed like a nobrainer to me,” Hart said. “I can’t keep hurting my brothers.” Joey Jewel, a member of Delta Tau Chi and a junior majoring in finance, expressed concern after Hart almost sabotaged his aesthetic general education credit. “Dude was like, walking around like a fucking idiot putting all these flash drives in his mouth,” Jewel said. “I was like, bro, you’re gonna ruin my life. People are not going to graduate if you keep playing games. This isn’t a game.” Jewel and Hart both said they know there are hundreds of other frat brothers who have a JUULing problem. M.C. Nutsnbolts, coordinator of Greek Life at BU, expressed his pride and gratitude for Delta Tau Chi and the brothers’ initiative to combat this serious issue. “I’m confident that ‘Tools against JUULs’ will be a smashing success,” Nutsnbolts said. “Usually, tools add to the problem, but this time they’re reducing the problem, and that’s just grand.”
PAGE ??? Tuesday, March 27, 2018 Thursday, Thursday, Monday, Monday, September October October April 3, 2,5, 2017 28, 2017 2017 2017
aDDress: Felix Festa Middle School 30 Parrot Rd. West Nyack, N.Y. pHoNe: 607-777-4141 fax: go fax yourself
Getcha News Here
Harvard student wears BU sweatshirt
Kony 2012 aNgst-iN-CHief* Math Club Prez bowling@binghamtonsa.org
Nature's bagged snack
CAMPUS NEWS
web: pipedream.com ;)
New Binghamton University undergraduate research proves that fruits Binghamton University President are nature's bagged snack. "I can Harvey Stenger was seen pour- eat it here, I can eat it there. I don't ing hot pudding out of his office need container. Amazing." window while crying tears of baby LOCAL NEWS angels on Friday, according to an anonymous source. He was quoted Some like it ‘Hots’ to have said, “I can’t eat all this pudding! Why is it so warm?” Stenger A sudden fire broke out on Saturday was not available for comment. night at Binghamton Hots, according to the Fire & Smoke-Bulletin. It Pothole in my heart was simply too hot to handle. Traffic was backed up for miles STATE NEWS along Vestal Parkway on Monday morning after several vehicles Building bridges traveling on West Drive got stuck in potholes. It took UPD and the Vestal Fire Department almost four Andrew Cuomo announced on Frihours to free cars and their occu- day that he would be seeking treatpants from the craters that devel- ment for daddy issues. He said in a oped along the road this winter. Ac- statement that he was experiencing cording to Physical Facilities, work mixed emotions about his father, is underway on the potholes, and Mario, a former governor who bethey predict the holes will be half- came a bridge. A new episode of He used to work for Pipe Dream and now he goes to Harvard. ‘Sex and The City’ will chronicle way filled by next December. the treatment, as Cynthia Nixon serves as his sponsor. A viscous dairy treat
slept tHrougH it* I'll Put You in My Callbacks haveagoodweekend@its.wednesday
i <3 tHe poliCe* Sasha Kielbasa followme@sashahupka.twt Cat figHt Golden Shower Check LinkedIn Training Wheels offiCe tHerapist* Cartridge Bitch pyramidscheme@itsa.muscle yogi asst. I get into Tom's for free i kNow your sibliNg CouNt Cory's First Friend proudpatriot@binghamtonhs.org fitNess DiCk I run an entire other paper Oh, Vagina!
Traitor | Harvard Crimson
Maybe aCtually Cares* Staten Island lsat@takethe.ferry warts Not sporks Ignore My Bracket I Met J-Woww is aNyoNe iN tHe offiCe?* I am chipotle@5thsin.insta i was Just iN lab Ahahah Too Trashed
This Day in History Statement from the editor
March 27, 2004 Baxter christens the newly built Events Center with a massive dookie.
We have no qualms with Asian Outlook.
left early* Didn't drink this year internetfamous@boredpanda.com
CriMlaM* Enjoy ur fucking flapjacks warmpudding@clickhole.com aCtually gooD He's Grrrrrreat Obligatory Laugh
How's that cat holding the walkie-talkie with it's tail? In the criminal justice system, college-based offenses are considered especially heinous. In Binghamton, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious crimes are members of an elite squad known as the New York State University Police. These are their stories. Drink the cran FRIDAY, March 23, 11:03 p.m. — A residential assistant (RA) frantically called UPD after discovering someone had urinated in an elevator in Bingham Hall of Newing College. According to the RA, he had been in the elevator just minutes before the crime because he had forgotten his roller blades in his room, and upon entering the elevator to go back to the ground floor, noticed a puddle of urine
Sasha Hupka News Editor
MeaN to everyoNe* Actually, Just to Shauna homeschool@your.kids tHree-seCtioN eDitor Lowkey Likes it Here
in the corner of the elevator. After smelling the urine, the RA was prompted to call because he identified a urinary tract infection. The police officer agreed they should get that checked out. High crimes SATURDAY, March 24, 1:17 p.m. — An 18-year-old male who reported his pizza rolls stolen from Endicott Hall of Newing College on Sept. 28 contacted UPD again to inform officers that he was high. I’m the map, I’m the map SUNDAY, March 25, 10:35 p.m. — President Stenger called UPD to report that one of his Road Map interns was missing. UPD was able to contact the individual and determined that he could not, in fact, read a road map. SafeRide was dispatched and arrived six hours later.
“He says I’m his ‘little man.’ Then he gives me a noogie and tucks me in to bed.” — Brian Rose, on his relationship with University President Harvey Stenger.
wHat's tHe iNsta passworD? Online-a Epstein quietholidayparty@ey.com MoaNa MaNager* Come to wine tour feeling22@disney.org wHere????? Server? I hardly know 'er! two stipeNDs It's a piccolo, actually
Now HiriNg aN asst.* Catch me at Late Nite bet@yoyoyo.com New New new@new.new
Pipe Dream is a free-format radio station that caters to locals, Binghamton college students, or anyone else in the world cool enough to listen to our stream online. Mostly, though, we just do what we like and it’s worked out well so far. We’re the only free-format radio station in the Southern Tier, and as such we do our best to keep it lit 24/7, so that whenever the need arises for quality radio programming of any kind, we, the disciples of Moe, are there to fill that void. We’ve been broadcasting since 1966, and although we’ve had some major (and minor) location and equipment changes, Pipe Dream has been going strong (for 50 years!), both as an on-air mega-giant of awesome,andasapresenceinthelocalandon-campuscommunities.We take our music, news, and public affairs programming seriously, and we love what we do. Pipe Dream was built on a foundation of strong dedication to its listeners, as well as to its DJs; we're totally off kilter--in a good way. We've lived through the changing music trends, eagerly taking them as they come and throwing them all into the programming schedule. There’s no blueprint. Think of it as a construction job, courtesy of a bunch of crazy students, alumni, and community members who every year want to play musicthattheyloveandshareitallwiththeworld. PipeDreamwillalways beafreeformatradiostationwiththephonelinesalwaysopentorequests and criticism – both good and bad – and a station membership prepared to improve programming every year. Even if it is our trusty automated programming which is always being updated, Pipe Dream will always strive to be new, innovative, and just a fun source for talk, music, and real people trying to entertain themselves and the world.
stabilizing:ac/o
WHEN?
Wednesday, March 28 7-9 PM WHERE?
UU 120
WHAT DANCES?
Rumba Bachata Any questions? Email bingballroomvpres@gmail.com or bingballroompres@gmail.com
kielbasa:destabilizing
It’s called culture look it up On-campus Restaurant Week It's not a deal and it's not delicious either — wait, what? Jazzy Man
The Sodexo cleanse
This spring, stay on campus for Restaurant Week. There are plenty — ok, only a few — subpar options to choose from. And if you don’t have a meal plan, even better. It’s like reverse Restaurant Week because you have to pay more for worse food. Read on for a classic Pipe Dream listicle.
Please Pass Me| I Just Want Missionary So We Can Get This Over With If you finish the test first, he’ll finally let you finish first.
Gifts for the TA you're fucking Even though you already let him hit it raw I have to pass this class
Should we get tested together?
Michelle Greenman, an undeclared sophomore, didn’t know what to expect when she entered Psych 111 in January. Finding love was definitely not something she wanted, she said — but what she has found with her teaching assistant is even better than love. “Derek and I, just like, hang out after I get out of a cappella rehearsal,” Greenman said. “And he’s cooler than most guys I’ve hooked up with because when he says he wants to watch a movie, we
actually watch a movie. He doesn’t just want to fuck right away.” Greenman has been hooking up with Derek Johnson, a senior majoring in psychology, for the last month or so. She isn’t really sure when it started, she said, but thinks it was the weekend she and her friend from home went to JT’s. In class, Johnson is completely appropriate, only doing a slight head nod when Greenman walks in. But in his apartment after the bars, he’s romantic and kind, Greenman said. “He’s so sweet to me, always bringing me water and giving me a sweatshirt to wear home in the morning,” she said. “I want to get him a birthday present.” With Johnson’s birthday coming up next week, Pipe Dream
has some ideas for gifts Greenman can get him.
vaguely health-conscious decisions, so milk chocolate is beneath him. Additionally, giving the gift of dark chocolate will make Greenman look cool and cultured.
1. Socks Cold feet isn’t just for your wedding day — Johnson might need some socks now. What better 4. Framed photo of your way to say “I like fucking you” than A- test a pair of cozy socks? Greenman said she views Psych 111 tests as a form of foreplay, and 2. Dunkin’ gift card that Johnson was his hardest after To stay bright-eyed and she banged out that A-. Now, he’ll bushy-tailed like his sophomore never forget it. lover, Johnson is going to 5. Pavlov’s dog stuffed need a daily caffeine kick. He animal swears he’s a Dunkin’ boy, but Just like Pavlov’s dogs, that’s probably because he’s Greenman is conditioned to too lazy to walk to Starbucks. salivate when Johnson walks in the room. This stuffed pup will 3. Dark chocolate serve as a token of her thirst Johnson is also into making and devotion.
Moghul
SubConnection
It’s not so much a deal, as it is that you get to pick what laxatives they use in your bowl. Among classic options like chickpeas and potatoes are other classics, including Metamucil and MiraLax.
If you go to SubConnection, you deserve whatever hell befalls you.
CIW
Take whatever you want, he gave you pinkeye. He owes you, man.
The special this week is smoked everything. HA HA get it?
Mein Bowl Whatever Mary remembers you like, and she never forgets.
Your Roommate’s Minifridge
Chick-N-Bap It’s still beef, bitch!!!!!
Dunkin’ Donuts
C4
Anything on the menu. It’s all double the usual price.
On the menu at C4 this week is last week’s CIW food. They just microwaved it. Sorry.
Feel better fast.
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5
BUZZFEED
pipedream.com | April Fools!
Like father, like ... boyfriend? Learn the value of foreplay from the man who made you Daddy Issues
I once screamed "Pops" while orgasming
According to a 2017 study from Glasgow University, people look for lovers who resemble their parents. But sometimes, on a little campus like Binghamton University, it’s hard to find someone who looks enough like your dad to really do the trick. Pipe Dream has you covered with some of the best tactics to get your new man looking like your old man. 1. Have the talk It’s never too soon to tell him what you want. Imagine this. You’re having the best sex of your life with a brunette math major
named Bobby who loves Disney cartoons. pronunciation. God, he’s such a cutie. Bobby is Italian. But your father is Kevin, an Irish immigrant from New Jersey who loves 4. Make him watch “Rocky” “This Is Us.” There are things you love about Your dad’s favorite movie is “Rocky,” but both of them, but let’s face it: You’re going Bobby has never seen it. When you took him to need him to dye his hair at the very least. out to dinner with the family and your dad said, “Ain’t gonna be no rematch,” Bobby 2. Get the red hair dye got anxious and thought he meant your After having the talk with Bobby, and dad was fighting him. The only solution is he agrees to the task, head over to the store for him to actually understand Sylvester and get hair dye. Pipe Dream recommends Stallone’s struggles. Revlon Luxurious Colorsilk, which is sold at Target for only $4.99. 5. Encourage him to take TUMS recreationally 3. Correct his pronunciation of Dinner doesn’t feel completely over “Target” unless you hear, “Sweetie, can you toss me Bobby pronounces it the proper way — the TUMS?” Unfortunately for you, Bobby’s “tar-get” — but your father is goofy. He’s the stomach acid is young, thriving and not life of the party — he loves to joke around. fighting against gravity. Gift your beau a He would never call this store anything bottle of the chalky tabs and convince him other than “tar-jay,” with a soft French they’re the best way to wrap up his meals.
It's Not Gray Down There| Stallion Who’s your daddy?
We know the Spring Fling act, but we won't tell you T-Pain
The West Gym scares me now
The Picture of Health | My Body Is Sad I’m a regular customer, if you know what I mean.
We know who’s coming for Spring Fling. We can’t tell you yet, but we know you’re going to be mildly disappointed. The Student Association Programming Board (SAPB) plans to announce the lackluster performer later this week. You probably also know who the performer is, because the Student Association (SA) is really bad at keeping secrets. If you don’t know, just ask around. It won’t be hard to figure out. According to Kibby Galiberti, the vice president for programming for the SA, this performer didn’t get a good number of votes but it’s the only group we could afford, and all of the usual white rappers were booked. “Although most students
Fuzzy Wuzzy | It's A Secret Knock, knock. Who’s there? Not Migos. Remember when Drake played here in 2010? Oof.
wanted literally anyone else to perform, we’re still planning for a successful event,” Galiberti said. Seth McLaughlin, a junior majoring in anthropology, isn’t amused. “They’re fine. Not great, but fine,” McLaughlin said.
“I shouldn’t have expected anything better.” This year’s concert will be held in Lot ZZ North, across from Hillside Community. Doors to the free concert will open at 6:30 p.m., and the show will begin at 10:30 p.m.
HOT TAKES Tuesday, March 27, 2018
Harvey, the world needs another Madison Please clone your sweet, sweet little golden Ryan M. Baseballbat
Resident Weirdo
Annabeth Sloan | Editorial Artist
EVERYTHING'S FINE, BINGHAMTON We couldn’t think of anything to complain about today. Everything is really going fine. Don’t get us wrong, it’s not, like, that great, but it’s just fine. The food is fine. The professors, middle of the road. Our peers? So stupid. I had to buy my own blue book yesterday, like seriously, who does that? The smoothie sample at Red Mango was green. Like, fuck you guys. I’m gonna bring up the ageold debate: What is a Bearcat? I’ll tell you, it’s fucking stupid. Also,
Baxter if you’re reading this, don’t fucking touch me. You smell like burning garbage. One word: potholes. Another word: campus shuttles. More like campus SHITTLES. And I have to change my back account. I got a stupid M&T card and now I have to get a stupid Visions card. I already
wear glasses. Is this what it’s coming to? Are these really the best four years of our lives? At this point, we all agree we should have just gone to Geneseo. It smells like cow shit there, but at least they have Byrne Dairy. Side note: We love Byrne Dairy. We’re kind of over this. Yeah, even the sophomore. Sucks she
still has two more years here. Real downer. Binghamton, you’re fine. I’ll even leave you on my LinkedIn profile. Just tell me the smallest amount I can donate so you’ll leave me alone. Wait, did I say fine? I meant terrible. Mom, please come get me.
Views expressed in the opinion pages represent the opinions of the columnists. The only piece which represents the views of the Pipe Dream Editorial Board is the Staff Editorial, above. The Editorial Board is composed of the Editor-in-Chief, News Editor, Opinions Editor, Sports Editor and Arts & Culture Editor.
It has been eight months since the passing of the beloved Madison Stenger, and I’m still struggling with the loss. Knowing that the fluffy golden retriever will never again grace the Binghamton Bearcats Snapchat is something I have not yet come to accept. Despite my failed attempts at grief counseling and hypnosis to help cope, I’ve come to the conclusion that there is only one option that will truly allow myself and the Binghamton University community to heal — cloning Madison Stenger. After reading Barbra Streisand’s column in The New York Times about cloning her dog, I’ve thought about nothing but the possibility of bringing our Maddie (the nickname I gave him) back. All we would need is a few skin cells; Streisand got hers from her dog’s cheek and tummy. As much as I would hate to disturb Maddie from his peaceful rest in Stenger’s backyard, a quick dig and swab is all that would be necessary to bring back our boy. While cloning Maddie would reap a whole litter of puppies, my hope is that the fluffiest and cutest of the bunch can be the replacement for our Maddie, and the rest of the puppies could be used as permanent therapy dogs in locations all throughout campus. While none of them would be the true Madison Stenger, the similarity of the clones to Maddie would only further comfort BU students. It would surely be worth the investment.
Although prices for pet cloning can vary, I’ve taken the liberty of researching prices for a Texas-based facility called Viagen Pets. While a lab in South Korea charges upward of $100,000 for a canine clone, Viagen charges only $50,000. What a steal! If the student activities fee were raised merely $3, the cost would be covered entirely, with money left over for a memorial in the courtyard of the Fine Arts Building. This small price is less than a cup of coffee at Einstein’s, which is nothing in comparison to the rewards we would reap from having Maddie back into our lives. For those soulless individuals who may protest this added cost to the student activities fee, it is entirely feasible for University President Harvey Stenger himself to fund this endeavor. Conveniently, his pay package includes a $50,000 stipend for leading research efforts throughout campus. Students in a variety of biology classes can have the new Maddie come as a guest lecturer during lessons on cloning. While by no means would she be a specimen for research, his presence would warm the hearts of students while providing an interactive learning experience. Honestly, it seems ludicrous not to clone Madison Stenger, and it would be a true disservice to the entire BU community if he didn’t. — Ryan M. Baseballbat is a third-year senior majoring in taxodermical sciences.
Fuck you, I have no aspirations Literally nothing matters, least of all getting a job Josh Moronn
Useless Alumnus
I’ve heard enough about how majoring in the liberal arts leads students into a jobless economy. Enough about how if I want to be a productive member of society, I should be conducting groundbreaking research at the undergraduate level. Enough about needing a marketable major.
Fuck you, I have no aspirations. No, seriously, I want to do absolutely fucking nothing with my life. You know what’s fun? Inducing yourself into a coma after blowing through all six seasons of “Jersey Shore” in the span of a week. You know what isn’t fun? Waking up to an alarm clock Monday through Friday. Consider the first job you’re going to get out of college. Fetching coffee. Getting locked in the basement. Your superiors spitting on you. Staying at
work until midnight because Bob thought it would be funny. Well, I don’t want any part of it. Consider living at home instead. Hanging out with your dogs. Actual meals. Subscriptions to your parent’s HBO account. I’ve already talked this over with my parents. They’re, like, totally hyped to fund my upcoming endeavors of doing nothing with myself or my $80,000 conversational French degree. Comment ça va, bitch? I’m doing great, napping in my childhood room.
DEER Deer Jessica, I love living in the Nature Preserve, but I do have some complaints. I really don’t know how to deal with all of the marijuana-smoking kids. Marijuana is still an illegal drug and it doesn’t belong in our Preserve. We already have enough to worry about — trash,
destruction of natural resources and Michael Wuest’s plan to spearhead the cull. I know some people think it’s “just weed,” but when I smell it, I know I’ve seen a sign from the devil. I can’t raise my fawns in this environment. How do I raise my fawns in a world where there is such evil?
All I have to worry about is the chore chart my mom made for me and my 12-year-old brother. All he has to do is hit the kitchen floor with the Swiffer once a week. All I have to do is hide out in my room so that my parents don’t face the embarrassment of revealing me and my stay-athome lifestyle to their friends. I’ve been mulling over this choice I’ve made with my fourthgrade math teacher, Mr. Nolan, whom I catch up with at the local townie bar. Honestly, he’s all for sticking it to the man and giving
a big fuck-you to corporate America. He knows I’ll be there every Thursday night, and always has a cold Mike’s Hard waiting at my spot at the bar. I won’t lie, this whole livingat-home thing has drawn a bit of a divide between me and my artistically inclined college friends. They pursued careers in museum work, publishing, education, etc. Somehow, hanging out on my couch as a professional goal didn’t make the cut. Honestly, maybe there’s something to be said about the
JESSICA
– Jane Doe Deer Jane Doe, I really don’t know what to tell you besides … get a fucking life! Please remove the branch from your ass. Who cares? Everything you eat is green anyway — who even knows the difference between that kind of grass and
actual grass? Your fawns are just gonna grow up to be huge stoners anyway. Re-evaluate your life. Deer Jessica, I’m in sort of a predicament. A few months ago, I was taking my nightly walk through Hillside Community, and I noticed a girl on the first floor
pretentious qualities of the people in these majors. If Don Nieman knew about how poorly I was doing postgraduation, he’d probably try to revoke my degree. But you know what, Binghamton? I’m a full-fledged educated fucking adult, and I can do anything I want — by which I mean, nothing — with my useless fucking degree. See you at Homecoming! — Josh Moronn, ‘17, is a manchild with no future prospects.
Advice for deer, from deer
with her blinds open. She was sitting and brushing her long, hay-like hair in the mirror, and it looked good enough to eat. She’s so majestic. Now, I’ve made it my business to walk through Hillside every night to sneak a peek. She makes my antlers go up. I’ve kept my distance for a while, but I think I’m finally ready to make my move. How should I
confess my love to her? – Peeping Tom Deer Tom, How the fuck would that even work? You don’t just go around wanting to nibble on someone’s hair. I swear, you’re all savages. I’m ashamed to be a part of the same species as all you freaks. Good day.
OPINIONS F SFAD UN UN Depressed, 2018
Loss
Nate Walker Loss
Sudoku
Annabeth Sloan
By The Mepham Group
Level: 1 2 3 4
20
Solution to last issue's puzzle
© 2017 The Mepham Group. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency. All rights reserved.
The crossword is real I swear
Loss
Daniel Eisenhower
This box fills the page, but it can't fill the void in your heart.
FOR RELEASE MARCH 27, 2018
THE Daily Commuter Puzzle ACROSS 1 Clinton’s successor, for short 4 “__ to the wise is sufficient” 9 Actor Hartman 13 Golf hole averages 15 Political activist Ralph __ 16 Le Mans event 17 Eve’s man 18 Old __; hag 19 Baker’s need 20 Coasts 22 Hospital furniture 23 In just a bit 24 Feminine pronoun 26 19th-century U.S. president 29 Agreeable 34 Actor Tyrone 35 As __ as an ape 36 “Swing __, Sweet Chariot” 37 Grew older 38 Makes fun of 39 Floating sheet of ice 40 Regret 41 India’s currency 42 Waterbirds 43 Tied to a rope 45 Having antlers 46 Unusual 47 Veal or venison 48 Suitor 51 Adorn 56 Charitable gift 57 Line of travel 58 Lion’s den 60 Toward shelter 61 Pompeo or Corby 62 Jealousy 63 Be impudent 64 Actress Winger 65 “We’re off to __ the Wizard...” DOWN 1 Student’s avg. 2 __ up; presses into a ball
If you only pick up the issue for the crosswords, fuck u
by Jacqueline E. Mathews
Last Issue’s Puzzle Solved
3 Scottish hillside 4 News program host 5 Make __; attack 6 Smell 7 France’s Coty 8 Highboys 9 Examines carefully 10 “...I __ a dream...” (MLK) 11 Frosted 12 Camera’s eye 14 Drunk 21 Bitter 25 Horse’s dinner 26 Take __; undo 27 Rotten fellow 28 Bird’s noise 29 Walked the floor 30 Be fond of 31 TV’s __ Funt 32 Slipknot loop 33 Rough woolen fabric 35 Actress Lange 38 Assassinated
©2018 Tribune Content Agency, LLC All Rights Reserved.
39 41 42 44 45
Like rich soil __ as a beet Objective Dwellings U.S. state capital 47 Parking __; coin device 48 Pasture cries
49 Singer Fitzgerald 50 1950s singing brothers’ name 52 Internal spy 53 Future tulip 54 Without 55 Bee colony 59 Deli loaf
HI MY NAME IS
Trey and I have a bball GAME TOMORROWWWWW
TESTICLES April Fools, 2018
Bearcats to adopt UMBC men's basketball program Dempsey pumped for new start below Mason-Dixon line Lamar Odom
Khloe Kardashian's Ex
Binghamton University Athletics will adopt the UMBC men’s basketball program — including all of its history — as its own, effective as soon as the 2018-19 season, per a press release from the Bearcats’ athletics department yesterday. The Retrievers’ 2017-18 squad made national headlines recently after becoming the first 16th-seeded team to defeat a No. 1 seed in the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament with their win over Virginia two weeks ago. “We felt this was a necessary step toward returning to the national scene in college basketball,” said Patrick Elliot, BU’s director of athletics. “The Retrievers’ model of success was too good to copy, so it was imperative we adopted this program as our own.” While graduate student guard Jairus Lyles, Binghamton’s leading scorer from last season, will not be returning this fall, BU will return the other 14 players on its roster. Senior guard KJ Maura looks to lead the Bearcats to their second conference championship in as many years. Maura averaged 11.3 points, 4.7 assists and 1.9 steals per game and was recognized as the America East (AE) Defensive Player of the Year last season.
“I’m excited for this opportunity,” Maura said. “Growing up in Puerto Rico, I always dreamed of experiencing the harsh winters of upstate New York.” Meanwhile, UMBC is coming off a year in which it missed the AE playoffs for the first time in program history. The Retrievers went 2-14 in conference play and was the only team in the conference to not qualify for the AE Tournament. Losing senior forwards Willie Rodriguez and Bobby Ahearn, the Retrievers will turn to younger players as they attempt to rebuild for the future. “A change of scenery could be good for us,” said UMBC head coach Tommy Dempsey. “We were in a lot of games this year, but things just didn’t go our way. I’m proud of the way we competed this year and am confident we can bounce back next season.” Two individuals that were particularly affected by this change were the mascots of both schools. After being long acquainted with the original programs of each school, Baxter the Bearcat and the UMBC Retriever must forge friendships with completely new rosters and coaching staffs. Baxter the Retriever declined to comment on the matter. The programs are still discussing the ownership of UMBC Athletics Twitter account, per a source familiar with the situation. Having over 100,000 followers, the account’s ownership will be pivotal to providing viral Mom, kids are drinking beer. I need you to come pick me up. content for either program.
Spork Photographer | Sweet Dreams of the Sweet Sixteen
Dempsey caught perching Kardashians Kurse the NBA How many careers they've wrecked so far Tristan Thompson
Khloe's soon-to-be Ex
I know what you’re thinking. What the heck is the Kardashian Kurse? Is that real? Are they cursing America? Are they the reason Trump got elected? Let me help you out. In the Holy Bible of Kardashian Myth and Legend, the Kardashian Kurse refers to the idea that any NBA player romantically linked to a Kardashian sister will, inevitably, see a sharp decline in his career. Examples, you say? Of course. Let’s start with Tristan
Fire him | What are we SUNY PERCH-ase? What the fuck is up, Dempsey? No, what did you say? Step the fuck up, Dempsey!
BU coach squatting sparks big controversy James Harden
Also Khloe Kardashian's Ex
When Colin Kaepernick first kneeled in a preseason game back in August 2016, he may not have realized the widescale shockwave of civil protests to appear in the near future. He certainly did not envision, however, the effect it would have on collegiate sports, especially here in Vestal, New York, where BU head coach Tommy Dempsey has been inconspicuously perching during every single national anthem since. Although the debate as to the position a person should be in largely revolves around whether or not a person decides to sit or stand, Dempsey has become Binghamton’s own Kaepernick
in his decision to perch like an owl prior to tipoff. “I was truly inspired by the way Kaepernick used his platform to advocate for social justice,” Dempsey said. “However, I’ve always been more of a percher than a sitter, so I’m going to do that instead.” For anyone who has had the misfortune of witnessing a Binghamton men’s basketball game throughout Dempsey’s tenure as head coach, you’ve probably noticed Dempsey perched on the sideline routinely interfering with officials and embarrassing those he coaches in front of the eight fans in attendance. Since this apparently this wasn’t enough for Dempsey, you can now find him perching from what seems like the moment he enters the Events Center. To find out more about the opinions regarding Dempsey’s
progressive decision, we caught up with sophomore guard Fard Muhammad. “Eh,” Muhammad said. “It’s kinda weird. His legs must hurt.” While being distracted by such a tumultuous season for the team, it is easy to understand why Dempsey’s perching may have gone unnoticed for this long. But now that the news is out, we can expect the more conservative BU fans to take issue with his activism. “If [Dempsey] was not on the hot seat after his garbage squad posted a 2-14 America East record, he sure is now,” said Binghamton Mayor Rich David. Dempsey’s decision to perch should not deter fans from rooting for the Bearcats. The team’s inability to reach the postseason and somehow become the only team to end its season early definitely should, though.
Thompson, baby daddy of Khloe Kardashian (they’re expecting in April). Ever since she announced her pregnancy, he’s been plagued by injury. Blake Griffin, boyfriend of Kendall Jenner, just got traded to the Pistons. So clearly he’s on his way out. Kris Humphries, ex-husband of Kim Kardashian (anyone else remember those magical 72 days?), fell from a bad team to an even worse team after meeting Kim, until he was left out for good last year. Really, can anyone even remember one thing he’s done since 2011 though? James Harden, romantically linked to Khloe during the 201516 era, committed a recordhigh 13 turnovers in a 2015 playoff game against the Cavs. It’s interesting to note that his career only bounced back AFTER
he and Kardashian split for good. And WHO could forget Lamar Odom? Over the course of his marriage to Khloe, his career crumbled into nothing, first being traded to Dallas before turning up half-conscious in a brothel. It’s a miracle he didn’t end up DEAD. The facts are pretty solid. And the evidence is only growing. Kim, Khloe and Kourtney might be tied down right now, but what about Kendall and Kylie? She may have just had a baby, but at 20 years old, I’d say Kylie’s still got a couple good NBA careers to ruin. And Kendall has at least one more NBA star to thwart before she settles down. Keep your eyes peeled, and if your favorite player is dating a Kardashian this season, maybe leave them off your fantasy team this year.
BU Basketball face face-off