PIPE BOMB
April Fools, 2019 | Vol. XXX, Issue Pipe Bomb | TK University | pipedream.com
The “Free” Word on Campus Since 1946
Amazon buys Library Tower for $75 BU makes last-ditch effort to avoid bankruptcy Capitalist Jones
free market enthusiast
In a move that shocked students, faculty and local residents, Binghamton University officials signed documents on Friday that transfer ownership of the University’s Library Tower to Amazon. In a statement, University President Harvey Stenger said selling the Library Tower will allow BU to avoid bankruptcy and solve its current financial crisis, which began months ago when a new contract between the State University of New York (SUNY) system and University United Professions (UUP) that stipulated faculty and other University employees would receive pay increases and backpay took effect. “This is really the only way we can avoid closing down BU completely,” Stenger said. “And if we did that, everyone, including me, would be out of a job, students would have to transfer to Stony Brook, the local economy would collapse and the campus would probably be overrun by deer.” Rumors that Amazon would establish an office in Broome County have been swirling ever since the online
shopping giant backed out of a plan to establish a new headquarters in Long Island City, New York. Local politicians have made efforts to entice Amazon to the area by touting its affordable housing, abundance of natural scenery and proximity to New York, Boston and Philadelphia. Jeff Bezos, co-founder and chief executive officer of Amazon, said he became interested in buying the Library Tower after he learned more about upstate New York’s culture. “I mean, I didn’t even know where Binghamton was,” Bezos said. “But the price was right and when I looked into the area, there was clearly a ton of public art and culture, like the Pegasus Statue, which was one of the things we were really looking for in a new headquarters location. Plus, there’s a ton of cows out here, which is nice, and I visited Wegmans the other day and loved it.” Bezos added that being able to keep the $1.7 billion in tax benefits that New York state offered the company when it was selecting a headquarters also factored into Amazon’s decision to call the Library Tower its new home. “No other state was actually going to give us that much money, so honestly,
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big boyo honey roasted peanuts This is what it would look like if Bartle tower was put in a box. It would have to be a big box.
Students make new home in Nature Preserve T&M’s embraces shoddy plumbing Stenger says tent housing could be permanent Piggy & Simon
holding the conch shell
The Nature Preserve has some new inhabitants this semester — Binghamton University students. To accommodate the overcrowding in campus housing, several students have been forced to live in tents in the University’s preserve. Scattered throughout the Nature
Preserve, students are adapting to life without heat and indoor plumbing. According to a statement from BU’s Residential Life, they are still enjoying a number of amenities that students in dorms have. “When I first heard I would be living in a tent in the Nature Preserve instead of an actual dorm, I was a bit skeptical,” said Smith Junior, a freshman who transferred to BU this semester and plans on triplemajoring in philosophy, political science and politics, philosophy and law. “But it’s really not that different. I have a bed
and a roommate and I have to hunt for my own food. Talk about freshman 15 — I can’t stop snacking on those tasty salamanders!” According to Junior, there are currently 15 students living in the preserve. Junior said at first, they were all part of one community, but after a few weeks, factions grew and there are now two dueling groups. Halle Strawberry, a sophomore transfer student who plans on transferring back to SUNY Geneseo as soon as possible, said the two communities that developed
and once lived in harmony are no more. “We used to be really good friends. Our set community leader was our RA, Davey Bones, but ever since Myrtle Girdle received a care package from an air lift her parents sent, some members of the preserve community have started to align their allegiances with her,” Strawberry said. Students in actual dorms are not too happy with the new living situation. “I thought that students living in
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BU proposes deer contraceptives, condoms
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director of planned deerhood
max “cookie maxie“ samson editugrial artist
fARTS & CULTURE
of the contraceptives will follow all guidelines and regulations set by the New York State Department of Environmental Conservation and the town of Vestal.
sponsored by whiteclaw
“Darting of the deer will start on Monday morning, when students should be in class, and we highly
Your Middle School Health Teacher
begun scattering oral contraceptives all throughout the Nature Preserve and will start darting the deers with immunocontraceptive vaccines on Monday. According to Doe, the delivery
Happy Hour
On Saturday night, one of State Street’s most popular evening establishments, Tom & Marty’s, experienced a pipe burst. However, fanatics of the bar made the most of the water explosion, turning the venue into an underwater-themed club for the night. When the Binghamton Fire Department arrived to the scene, authorities threw pool noodles and tubes into the water, which rose above the bar, according to Peewee Herman, a senior majoring in human development. “The firetrucks pulled up outside and we expected them to close Tom’s for the night, but then the firemen sort of just joined in and started partying with us,” Herman said. “By 1 a.m., we were all wearing lei and floating on boogie boards, pool floats, you name it. By far the best night I’ve ever had there.” As the pipe burst presented sanitary issues for visitors, the establishment felt obligated to provide all drinks for free, said owner Larry Davis. “The kids didn’t seem to mind the whole underwater thing, in fact, they seemed to have a good time,” Davis said. “But we figured we at least owed them some free drinks, considering their health may be endangered for one night at a bar in Binghamton.” However, Danny Dardy, a Binghamton Fire Department firefighter, said assessing sanitary concerns is not part of his job. “It seemed fine from what I can
Administrators hope new plan will combat overpopulation
To combat the rapid overpopulation of deer in the Nature Preserve and promote safe sex, Binghamton University will start using experimental deer contraceptives on April 1. According to recommendations from the Committee on the University Environment (CUE), birth control, rather than sterilization and culling, will be a safer and gentler approach to the University’s deer overpopulation problem. “Deer contraceptives will not only be a safer, gradual option for controlling the deer population, but it will also promote healthy practices at the University,” the statement read. “Due to years of opposition to culling the deer herd, the committee has found birth control to be the best option.” Although there are several forms of contraception available, hormonal contraception and immunocontraception are currently the most developed and feasible for BU to implement. These contraceptives can be delivered by either monthly oral delivery or biennial shots. Bambi Doe, steward of BU’s natural areas, said the University has already
Bar holds massive underwater party with free drinks
OPINIONS
SPORTS
Finger painting,
Let’s get shanked,
They are usually bad,
Shoutout Buffalo,
Stay off the weeeeeed,
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