PIPE BOMB
April Fools, 2019 | Vol. XXX, Issue Pipe Bomb | TK University | pipedream.com
The “Free” Word on Campus Since 1946
Amazon buys Library Tower for $75 BU makes last-ditch effort to avoid bankruptcy Capitalist Jones
free market enthusiast
In a move that shocked students, faculty and local residents, Binghamton University officials signed documents on Friday that transfer ownership of the University’s Library Tower to Amazon. In a statement, University President Harvey Stenger said selling the Library Tower will allow BU to avoid bankruptcy and solve its current financial crisis, which began months ago when a new contract between the State University of New York (SUNY) system and University United Professions (UUP) that stipulated faculty and other University employees would receive pay increases and backpay took effect. “This is really the only way we can avoid closing down BU completely,” Stenger said. “And if we did that, everyone, including me, would be out of a job, students would have to transfer to Stony Brook, the local economy would collapse and the campus would probably be overrun by deer.” Rumors that Amazon would establish an office in Broome County have been swirling ever since the online
shopping giant backed out of a plan to establish a new headquarters in Long Island City, New York. Local politicians have made efforts to entice Amazon to the area by touting its affordable housing, abundance of natural scenery and proximity to New York, Boston and Philadelphia. Jeff Bezos, co-founder and chief executive officer of Amazon, said he became interested in buying the Library Tower after he learned more about upstate New York’s culture. “I mean, I didn’t even know where Binghamton was,” Bezos said. “But the price was right and when I looked into the area, there was clearly a ton of public art and culture, like the Pegasus Statue, which was one of the things we were really looking for in a new headquarters location. Plus, there’s a ton of cows out here, which is nice, and I visited Wegmans the other day and loved it.” Bezos added that being able to keep the $1.7 billion in tax benefits that New York state offered the company when it was selecting a headquarters also factored into Amazon’s decision to call the Library Tower its new home. “No other state was actually going to give us that much money, so honestly,
see tower page 3
big boyo honey roasted peanuts This is what it would look like if Bartle tower was put in a box. It would have to be a big box.
Students make new home in Nature Preserve T&M’s embraces shoddy plumbing Stenger says tent housing could be permanent Piggy & Simon
holding the conch shell
The Nature Preserve has some new inhabitants this semester — Binghamton University students. To accommodate the overcrowding in campus housing, several students have been forced to live in tents in the University’s preserve. Scattered throughout the Nature
Preserve, students are adapting to life without heat and indoor plumbing. According to a statement from BU’s Residential Life, they are still enjoying a number of amenities that students in dorms have. “When I first heard I would be living in a tent in the Nature Preserve instead of an actual dorm, I was a bit skeptical,” said Smith Junior, a freshman who transferred to BU this semester and plans on triplemajoring in philosophy, political science and politics, philosophy and law. “But it’s really not that different. I have a bed
and a roommate and I have to hunt for my own food. Talk about freshman 15 — I can’t stop snacking on those tasty salamanders!” According to Junior, there are currently 15 students living in the preserve. Junior said at first, they were all part of one community, but after a few weeks, factions grew and there are now two dueling groups. Halle Strawberry, a sophomore transfer student who plans on transferring back to SUNY Geneseo as soon as possible, said the two communities that developed
and once lived in harmony are no more. “We used to be really good friends. Our set community leader was our RA, Davey Bones, but ever since Myrtle Girdle received a care package from an air lift her parents sent, some members of the preserve community have started to align their allegiances with her,” Strawberry said. Students in actual dorms are not too happy with the new living situation. “I thought that students living in
see tents page 3
BU proposes deer contraceptives, condoms
see deer page 3
see water page 3
director of planned deerhood
max “cookie maxie“ samson editugrial artist
fARTS & CULTURE
of the contraceptives will follow all guidelines and regulations set by the New York State Department of Environmental Conservation and the town of Vestal.
sponsored by whiteclaw
“Darting of the deer will start on Monday morning, when students should be in class, and we highly
Your Middle School Health Teacher
begun scattering oral contraceptives all throughout the Nature Preserve and will start darting the deers with immunocontraceptive vaccines on Monday. According to Doe, the delivery
Happy Hour
On Saturday night, one of State Street’s most popular evening establishments, Tom & Marty’s, experienced a pipe burst. However, fanatics of the bar made the most of the water explosion, turning the venue into an underwater-themed club for the night. When the Binghamton Fire Department arrived to the scene, authorities threw pool noodles and tubes into the water, which rose above the bar, according to Peewee Herman, a senior majoring in human development. “The firetrucks pulled up outside and we expected them to close Tom’s for the night, but then the firemen sort of just joined in and started partying with us,” Herman said. “By 1 a.m., we were all wearing lei and floating on boogie boards, pool floats, you name it. By far the best night I’ve ever had there.” As the pipe burst presented sanitary issues for visitors, the establishment felt obligated to provide all drinks for free, said owner Larry Davis. “The kids didn’t seem to mind the whole underwater thing, in fact, they seemed to have a good time,” Davis said. “But we figured we at least owed them some free drinks, considering their health may be endangered for one night at a bar in Binghamton.” However, Danny Dardy, a Binghamton Fire Department firefighter, said assessing sanitary concerns is not part of his job. “It seemed fine from what I can
Administrators hope new plan will combat overpopulation
To combat the rapid overpopulation of deer in the Nature Preserve and promote safe sex, Binghamton University will start using experimental deer contraceptives on April 1. According to recommendations from the Committee on the University Environment (CUE), birth control, rather than sterilization and culling, will be a safer and gentler approach to the University’s deer overpopulation problem. “Deer contraceptives will not only be a safer, gradual option for controlling the deer population, but it will also promote healthy practices at the University,” the statement read. “Due to years of opposition to culling the deer herd, the committee has found birth control to be the best option.” Although there are several forms of contraception available, hormonal contraception and immunocontraception are currently the most developed and feasible for BU to implement. These contraceptives can be delivered by either monthly oral delivery or biennial shots. Bambi Doe, steward of BU’s natural areas, said the University has already
Bar holds massive underwater party with free drinks
OPINIONS
SPORTS
Finger painting,
Let’s get shanked,
They are usually bad,
Shoutout Buffalo,
Stay off the weeeeeed,
SEE PAGE 6
SEE PAGE 7
SEE PAGE 5
SEE PAGE 9
SEE PAGE 10
PAGE TOOT Pipe Bomb, April fools! Thursday, Thursday, Monday, Monday, September October October April 3,2, 5, 2017 28, 2017 2017 2017
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SPRING 2019
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Students riot after listserv screwup Hobby Horse Club fails to send email to all members Horse Girls
equestrian experts
A small stampede broke out on the Newing field on Sunday night after the Hobby Horse Club failed to send their weekly newsletter to all of its members with names beginning with the letter J. A herd of approximately 50 riders attended the protest with their hobby horses, wooden sticks with horse heads attached to them to simulate the act of horseback riding, in tow. Affixed to the muzzles of the hobby horses were signs with phrases like, “Would you take Jesus off the Listserv?” and “Let (equ)us ride!” Ratty Eyecovano, president of the hobby horse club and a junior majoring in zoology, said the students were removed after another e-board member, who wished to remain anonymous, attempted to remove one club member from the Listserv after they replied all to another email, where the student asked for the fourth time this month to be taken off the Listserv. In taking this student off, the e-board member accidentally purged all of the subscribers whose names begin with J. The former club member, Jeter Lessavansky, a junior majoring in tarot card reading, said he was never
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really a member to begin with. “I put my email down on the Listserv at Ufest like three years ago,” Lessavansky said. “I really don’t need to know when the next hobby horse race on the outdoor track is gonna be. I guess I feel bad now that people are rioting, though.” Sam Maxon, a freshman majoring in human development, attended the riot to support his suitemate’s friend’s next-door neighbor’s sister’s boyfriend, who was removed from the Listserv prematurely. “I overheard in the bathroom that Jared was really miffed about it,” he said. “I wanted to support him. That’s what friends are for.” Eyecovano and the other board members attended the rally to in an attempt to strike a peace deal with the herd. “We apologize for this terrible mistake,” Eyeconavo declared to the group. “We as an e-board believe that all hobby horse riders are Triple Crown winners at heart, no matter the first letter of your name.” Not all those were unhappy about the deletion, however. Jessica McApple, a sophomore majoring in ponies, said she was going to leave the club anyway because she wanted to be around people who took hobby horse riding as seriously as she did. “They only met four times a week,” McApple said. “Honestly, being taken off the Listserv has been a blessing in disguise. Now I have more time to focus on my studies.”
Pipe Line LOCAL NEWS
Baxter dies
April the Giraffe escapes Animal Adventure Park
The suit’s going to the dry cleaner at the morgue ‘cause that shit stank like deceed sweaty freshman. Student upset with a high five that lingered too long pushed baxter down the stairs of the union, where he was furthur trampled by the fuckin billion students headed to the package pickup place like the line is out the door every day what the hell is up with that.
On Friday night, zookeepers discovered April the Giraffe missing from her enclosure. Authorities say they have searched the area to no avail. The zoo, located in Harpursville, released a statement on Sunday indicating they plan to replace April with a stuffed animal until she is found.
NATIONAL NEWS
JT’s fakes permanent closure to gain more business Following the bar’s announcement that it would shutter its doors on March 31, JT’s posted on Instagram that the bar will stay open on State Street for the remainder of the semester. Students say the bar was suffering because of an increase in price of fishbowls, but according to the Instagram post, JT’s lost value because the establishment cannot house as many drunken freshmen as Venue can. To solve this imbalance, the bar planned a fake closing to attract students, according to an anonymous bouncer.
Went to the movies on Friday... With some friends... Slept in... Lazy Sunday... Catch up on some... Reading... 1984.... george orewell... put in to in on the twitter on his fone... had a ogoogd time on tiwtter. did a groceerty storw. all his favorite foods got the smores flavor. poptarts. He saw a bluejay. um... he rarely thought of his ex wife and estranged father. Go get ‘em Jim! Additional reporting by Jim’s best bud and karate partner Kenith subway sandwiches
K&K‛s The Old Teahouse
GHost ManaGeR Sorry the Papers Are Always Late whobrokeit@nicerack.com
Enjoy 1 free topping with any beverage on April Fool‛s Day Mention “April Fool‛s Day Special” to your barista
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@kkoldteahouse Store location: 1101 Bunn Hill Rd, Vestal, NY 13850
stabilizing:beer
btiches:destabilizing
provided by good people We don’t know for sure what this is. But it looks like piss. So it’s basically definitely piss fuck what the fuck. THIS IS NOT A JOKE THIS IS A REAL PHOTO.
This Day in History April 1, 1957 Although she doesn’t know it yet, 61 years and four days from today Brooklyn denizen Emily Kaufman will be struck by an Uber driver while jay walking illegally. She got up afterwards though she was fine.
Jim has a good weekend
Finally Got an assistant None of Your Business
Pipe Dream is published by the Pipe Dream Executive Board, which is clearly the backbone of Binghamton’s student body. Pipe Dream is published Mondays and Thursdays while classes are in session no matter what mental anguish our staff is going through. The content on the Opinions page with bylines represent the views of those authors and do not necessarily represent the views of the Pipe Dream Executive Board, no matter how shitty they are (and they are very shitty). The content of advertisements do not necessarily reflect the views of the Pipe Dream Executive Board. We reserve the right to reject ads for any reason. And don’t call Maryam a fucking highway robber. Print media is struggling, OK? All letters submitted for publication must not be based in conspiracy theories. You know who you are. By making a submission, you become property of Pipe Dream, and you must reside in the editorial room for the rest of your life. All letters to the editor may be sent to editor@bupipedream.com. © Pipe Dream 4ever. XOXO, E&B.
Live from the bing review office fucking what
“I may be drunk, miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.” — Chad Barrington, a senior majoring in business administration, quoting Winston Churchill to a sophomore who declined to go back to his room at a fraternity party on Saturday night.
Police Watch Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when they come for you. Laundry thief amps up Officers reported to Seneca Hall of College-in-theWoods after receiving a call from a 19-year-old female who discovered two washing machines were missing from the building’s laundry room. According to the victim, her clothing had been in both of the machines, as she had been doing a double load after “not washing anything in weeks.” Officers reviewed video footage from the hallway outside the laundry room, and identified two 18-year-old female suspects, who appeared to have worked together to lift the machines into two shopping carts and wheel them away. Upon entering the suspects’ room to question them, officers found the washing machine and the victim’s clothing. The washing machines were reinstalled in the laundry room and the clothing was returned to the victim. The suspects were arrested and will appear in Vestal Town Court. Into the pond Officers responded to the Nature Preserve after they
SQUISHY bongo Pipe Dream spNews
received reports of students smoking marijuana along Oak Trail. Upon reaching the trail, officers detected the smell of burnt marijuana and saw a group of individuals passing a joint between each other at the edge of Harpur Pond. As officers approached the group, one student noticed them and said, “Oh shit,” before throwing the joint into the pond. The group scattered, with some students running down the trail, others swimming across the pond and one climbing a tree to evade officers, who were unable to apprehend any of the suspects. The case is still under investigation, and anybody with any information about the suspects should contact UPD immediately. Greenhouse grower After receiving reports of a strange plant growing in the University’s Greenhouses, officers responded to the area and discovered the plant was actually marijuana. According to greenhouse employees, the plant was cultivated by a group of students in the environmental studies program. Upon questioning the students, who had red, glassy eyes and slow speech, they said they were unaware the plant was marijuana, and had been growing it “for research purposes only.” The students were not charged, and officers destroyed the plants by burning them outside the Couper Administration Building.
pipedream.com | April 87, 1969
NEWS
18
Stenger praises new deer condom deer from page 1
grimpy ugonia pap scrap pshmao
There’s a man in that snow!
Missing student found alive in melted snow pile Jo Jo Beensie suffered no injuries or frostbite Hibernating Bear
predicts a long winter
The search for Binghamton University senior Jo Jo Beensie is finally over. On Saturday, University officials announced that Beensie was found alive under a huge heap of snow next to the parking garage that melted. “Staff members working in the Couper Administration building noticed a large figure emerging from the melting snow on Friday morning,” the
University statement read. “They promptly alerted the University Police Department and quickly realized the figure was in fact Ms. Beensie.” Beensie, who has been missing since Feb. 3 and is majoring in English, was found with no sign of frostbite or injuries. She claims she was never trapped by the snow but rather chose to stay buried in a sort of hibernation. “I was so tired of the winter and I’m only taking yoga and finishing up my general education requirements this semester so I figured I could afford to lose a few weeks and completely isolate myself,”
Beensie said. The snow pile, which accumulates next to the parking garage every winter, has been a source of danger and frustration in previous years as well. In 2013, a rogue police officer, Pete McBlue, was found in the snow pile. He had created a sort of igloo, and was selling quaaludes and whip-its to prospective students. Nobody wanted to buy them, so he did all the drugs himself. After taking a bite of his leather shoe, he emerged to seek professional help, but the UCC did absolutely nothing. “I thought my boot was a burger, and that’s when I realized I had gone off the
deep end,” McBlue said. “No one wanted my drugs. I said to myself, ‘Hey, it’s not the ’80s anymore. No one wants your stupid fucking drugs.’ And I cleaned up my act.” In another episode in 2016, a Physical Facilities employee was spotted taking samples of the snow pile to use for her new skincare line. Shauny Basheen, founder of “Glossy Bossies,” said the snow had restorative properties. But a later chemical analysis revealed that the snow was harboring harsh, poisonous chemicals that are particularly harmful to facial muscles. “I thought I was doing the world a favor,” Basheen said. “I
hate being wrong, but I guess the snow wasn’t the right ingredient to use. I’ll go to the Dead Sea next time.” University counselor Freudia Pavlov cautions students to avoid this type of behavior, as it can lead to dangerous habits. “Yeah, I guess it can be dangerous,” Pavlov said. “I don’t really know. I don’t even have a degree.” After all, Beensie said hibernating in the snow pile was worth it. “I’ve heard there’s a rich history of people getting themselves into weird situations with the snow pile,” Beensie said. “I’m in good company.”
Rival factions develop in Nature Preserve tent city tents from page 1 tents wouldn’t affect me at all, so I didn’t care at first,” said Jan Fofamma, a sophomore majoring in psychology who lives near the preserve in Mountainview College. “But being so close to them, I constantly hear the cries of the animals they slaughter, and the ongoing battle between Myrtle Girdle and Davey Bones is really starting to impact my studies.” According to Fofamma, Girdle, a junior majoring in outdoor recreation studies, and Bones, a senior majoring in upstate New York culture who volunteered to be an RA in the preserve community, have been leading a battle between the two communities since the second week of the semester. Additionally, they have started recruiting
students outside of the preserve community to help their cause. Spotify Johnson, a senior majoring in theatre and a member of the Live Action Role Play (LARP) club, said both Girdle and Bones reached out to her to advertise their cause to the club. “I of course said ‘yes,’ because I thought they were just local LARPers looking to collaborate,” Johnson said. “But we quickly learned they were not in fact into role-playing and did in fact want to violently fight one another. While most refused to participate, we still lost a few LARPers to their cause.” According to President Harvey Stenger, the living situation is temporary. “After the spring semester, students go home,” Stenger said in a statement. “So the situation at hand won’t last forever.”
Three tents. They all look the same. That’s wierd.
maximal saxamal ediscrotial artist
stress students should not visit the Nature Preserve during this time so they are not accidentally hit by stray darts,” Doe said. “We also want to warn, once again, that students should not be picking up and ingesting random food items lying in the Nature Preserve. A few students have already been sent to urgent care over the weekend after ingesting the oral contraceptives lying around the Nature Preserve, which appear to look like crackers, and are tempting to those experiencing hunger pangs from smoking marijuana.” Although the University will be primarily using both oral delivery and biennial shots to combat the deer overpopulation, BU will also be experimenting with implementing actual physical condoms for deer. According to a Dateline statement released on March 17, Sustainable Communities, one of the University’s Transdisciplinary Areas of Excellence (TAE), will be focusing their research on creating a practical condom for deer that will last for two weeks. “Binghamton University is proud to announce that our research has led us to start developing long-lasting condoms for deer that should feasibly last for two weeks while deer are in rutting season,” the statement read. “This groundbreaking research will not only tackle the deer overpopulation, but will also benefit students in creating more durable condoms that are less likely to break during sex.” According to President Hardy Stengler, this latest development demonstrates one of the many reasons BU is now considered a Research I university. “Only at Binghamton University can we proudly say we have pioneered a new method of contraception for deer,” Stengler wrote in an email. “This new research development will not only aid the University immensely in thinning the deer population at the Nature Preserve, but will also benefit students in promoting safe sex.” Elizabeth Buck, a senior majoring in environmental studies, said she is glad the University has chosen a nonharmful method of controlling the deer overpopulation in the Nature Preserve. “I’m really glad BU has started promoting birth control, rather than culling and hunts, to limit the deer population,” Buck said. “It’s amazing how the University is actually developing long-lasting deer condoms, and I’m looking forward to how that will turn out.”
Jeff Bezos lauds Local bar becomes underwater club new acquisition water from page 1
tower from page 1 we probably would have put a headquarters in Potsdam if we absolutely had to,” Bezos said. “But Binghamton is way better and the weather is similar to Seattle anyway, so it’s a really good fit.” Preston Eller, a senior majoring in business administration, said he supported the sale, and noted that Amazon could bring new jobs to the area, including employment for alumni. “I support the free market in general, so this is great,” Eller said. “And maybe I can work for Amazon. If I do well, perhaps they’ll eventually transfer me to a nicer place, like Virginia.”
But faculty members are concerned about where their offices will be relocated after Amazon moves in. James Burk, an associate professor of philosophy at BU, said he was also confused about where he was supposed to house his collection of Marxist literature. “I just don’t know what they’re going to do,” Burk said. “Usually, I’d be alright with working out of my car, but parking on campus is limited too.” Stenger said the University is considering where best to relocate faculty impacted by the sale. Currently, administrators plan to temporarily house faculty offices in lounges around campus, including in dormitory buildings.
remember,” Daddy said. “Honestly, I got so drunk off the free White Claws I wasn’t worried about if the people were going to contract some disease from those ancient pipes. I was there to have a good time, that’s it.” Additionally, people swam laps from the front of the bar to the back in place of dancing to Taylor Swift throwbacks all night long. When the races began, Michael Shelps, a junior majoring in history, appeared at the entrance of the bar and proceeded to win every race thereafter. “I heard some scrubs were trying to ‘swim’ at Tom’s and I just had to remind them of their inferiority,” Shelps said. “And as a student athlete, everybody is always preying on my fall, dog.
I’m just trying to eat. God first.” Looking forward, Davis said he would consider holding an underwater-themed night every year at Tom & Marty’s. “I mean, we’d lose a lot of money if we are giving away that many free drinks, so we’d only be able to afford it once a year,” Davis said. Tiffany Tipton, a sophomore majoring in business administration and president of Phi Lamda Theta sorority, said she wishes the bar was always partially underwater. “If I’m being real, the only thing that could’ve made it better was if they played ‘Havana’ by Camila Cabello at least three more times,” Tipton said. “Otherwise, I was doublefisting White Claw all night long with my sisters and my new little. The whole night was like a dream come true.”
maximal saxamal ediscrotial artist
Big ‘Pinions Press Watch this, bitch!
Long Island should secede from New York state
mike jones
Get the fuck out! Take your goddamn bagels and pizza with you! The real national emergency is not at the Mexican, or even Canadian, border, but at the southern tip. Christmas night, freshman year, as I lay near my dog, Baxter, I get a call. I answer, and it’s none other than Premier President Harvey Stenger! “Agent 342,” he says, “I have an important mission for you, should you choose to accept. There’s a credible threat from downstate New York: Long Island. I need you to terminate this nuisance. Central and upstate New York’s lives depend on it.” Click. Let me turn back time, to a simpler time, where it all began:
Syllabus week. Upon my arrival at Binghamton University, I was utterly devastated when I learned of this loose hangnail of land clinging on for life down south. I thought, “Why God, why? Why would you permit the existence of this godless area?” Our country’s greatest disappointments were born in Long Island, like Kevin James, Anthony Scaramucci and Alec Baldwin’s brothers, whoever the hell they are. On top of that, let’s face it: Climate change is going to sink Long Island soon. Like the wolf, before our limb kills us from infection, we should
chew off this small, but long, insignificant, bagel-holding arm. I made a promise to myself that I would remove Long Island from this premier ivy league institute. This is my journey so far. To accomplish my goal, I first needed to infiltrate a friend group composed of ‘Long Islanders.’ Luckily, my freshman year roommate was one of them; let’s call him Syan Rmith. This connection allowed my underground network to exponentially expand. By befriending him, I was introduced to a swarm of Long Islanders, who had the strangest
greeting of, “Where in Long Island?” Once I befriended them, I needed to learn about the geography. So I went undercover as a tourist and spent a weekend down there. I documented everything I saw: trees, bagels that have reached a status of divinity, something called the LIRR and the Atlantic Ocean, desperately searching for a method to rid the Empire State of this Island. Luckily, throughout my sleuthing, no one saw through my disguise. I also had an informant on the inside, my girlfriend from New York City. She revealed to
me Long Island’s plan to take over the entire country. They’re starting with New York City and nearby Binghamton — to them known incorrectly as “upstate” New York. Luckily, the invaders seem to think New York state ends at Binghamton, so my homeland is safe. I returned with an important piece of intel. I thought, what if I just push Long Island somewhere else, like … into the ocean! Brilliant! Sink the island! What if I just push it somewhere else? Away from New York? I ask you, readers of this premier university, to join me,
your humble author, on April 1 to gather in southern New York to push Long Island away from this great state. I don’t know how many people we need, but since we’d have to slap a chicken with speeds of 3,000 mph to cook it, it’s safe to say we’d need a lot of people. I hereby declare April 1 a national holiday under the name of “So Long, Island Remembrance Day.” Forget your jobs and classes; unite under the rallying cry of protecting Binghamton! Biggus Dickus is a junior majoring in People’s Judean Front Studies.
The SA: What the hell?
Defending the graphic design major
What the hell do y’all even do?
Don’t tell me what to do
The SA. How loathed and loved that acronym is. Despite it being ubiquitous across all campus complaints, it remains a mystery to most students. Few of my acquaintances seem to know what “SA” means, and fewer know what it does, but the organization’s shady operations are nothing to be feared. I have heard some call this entity, this mild improvement on Binghamton University’s administration, the “Student Association.” These people have been misled by the SA’s public relations campaign, which seeks to mitigate the trauma incurred by its piss-poor managerial skills. In truth, the SA’s acronym hides a deceptively simple but entirely earned name: Sucks Ass. The SA’s namesake derives from its many important functions, like not answering emails for months on end and funding several million dollars into Nirchi’s pizza. I’m beginning to suspect that the SA might be the sole reason for Nirchi’s existence — a kind of mutually beneficial relationship akin to how your roommate might eat the half-rotten, unrefrigerated leftovers you’ve been forgetting to throw out for two weeks. But beyond its many inefficacies, the SA serves as the bastion of student pride. Acting like it’s the student government, it totes a great deal of
influence over the daily affairs of more reputable organizations it oversees. Nothing unites BU students like the consolidated repugnance we all share at the mere mention of the SA. Pipe Dream’s Editorial staff recently reported that only 12.5 percent of BU students voted in the last SA election. The abysmal turnout is symptomatic of a struggle to emphasize the importance of student participation. Given that freshmen and transfer students did not receive emails regarding the election, it is unsurprising that the cause is a lack of committees. Exemplary of this issue is the undulating difficulty of reserving club storage space. In February, the SA announced its revamping of storage space allocation based on a new goody-two-shoes scoring system run by a singular committee. How well you play with the SA plays a role in whether a group receives space to store its shit. But what they fail to realize is that there simply isn’t enough room in the University Union. They need to think outside the box and convince BU’s administration to convert Lot M into club storage space. Like, the whole fucking lot. And hell, why stop there? We could even store small personal items wherever we can find free real estate, like in Harvey’s
pockets or the sweaty folds of Baxter the Bearcat. It’s bold changes like these that necessitate good PR, and thus, a plurality committee. Bureaucracy breeds bitterness, and so in these trying times, when apathy for the pretend-government is at a considerable high, the SA should consider increasing its outreach. Placing every one of the 16,000 students into several thousand committees will naturally force the voter turnout to reach 100 percent, according to my completely baseless speculations. The solution might be even simpler than that, as a dedicated Email Response Committee could resolve the issue by the next election. Maybe such a radical idea would increase voter turnout to a whopping 13 percent, with that extra half percent putting people in office who actually intend on doing their job. Or not. I’m no poli-sci major. But it’s never too late to fix a bad reputation. No person or de facto student democracy can succeed without ample and even outrageous criticism. I think with a concerted effort, Sucks Ass could evolve into Somewhat Acceptable. Drew Peacox is a junior majoring in asshatery.
We all know the tropes tailored to a Fine Art major. Smoking cigars on the riven while listening to Billy Joel because it brings back the simpler time before your parents’ divorce. But a fine arts major is much more than that. It is the wind whispering between the
the name that touches you late at night as you tuck your head into your pillow. It’s the oversized order that you request from the willow trees. It is
diner when you’re alone and think you deserve to treat yourself. It’s the warm piece of paper fresh from the printer. It’s the answer to your prayers. It’s the peanutbutter to your jelly. It’s the bee’s
knees. It’s a fresh cup of joe with a dash of sugar and milk. It’s the light rain tapping against your roof on a lazy Sunday m o r n i n g . It’s the wind beneath your wings and the pep in your step. It’s a distant lover,
The SA is taking a low-budget approach to Spring Concert this year, with a hologram of Ariana Grande performing at Spring Fling.
brumbpo tungus he saw heaven when he was four years old
Ariana Grande hologram to headline Spring Fling SAPB pursues a reliable, low- budget option Ken Cellation
contributing writer
While Spring Fling concerts have traditionally featured passable performances from B-list artists, this season promises an innovative glimpse into the future of live music. The SAPB is proud to announce that
an uncanny hologram of Ariana Grande will bring the star’s charttopping hits to BU Friday, May 3. According to Chelsea Piers, concerts chair for the SAPB and a senior majoring in lesser-known dinosaurs, the decision to book a hologram was easy. When the idea was pitched, the SA quickly embraced an option that would please a crowd without breaking the bank. “Instead of catering just to frat boys or to people who pretend
to be excited about washed-up radio-pop bands, we’ve decided to reach a larger audience this year at the cost of authenticity,” Piers said. The decision will also allow the SA to circumvent the possibility of artists bailing at the last minute, a big concern following last semester’s Fall Concert blunder. “The great thing about Hologram Ariana is that she’ll be there in rain, snow, sleet
or hail,” Piers said. “She has no choice.” A children’s television star turned pop giant, Grande has had a busy year, releasing two studio albums and a series of hit singles in the past nine months. Hologram Ariana will dance and lip-sync to recordings of favorites like “7 Rings,” “thank u, next,” “No Tears Left to Cry” and more. The hologram is also programmed with personalized greetings and quips, although it
cannot respond to an audience in real time. Piers said the hologram will be so realistic that the SA contemplated passing it off as the real deal. “If we were to pretend it was a real person, I don’t think anyone would notice as long as there were no technical glitches,” she said. “Pop stars can be pretty cookie-cutter anyways, so the hologram’s eerie detachment from the audience might not be
obvious to everyone.” Although some people might decry the SA’s introduction of hairraising, dystopian technology to the spring concert, Piers insists that the concert will please students overall. “The hologram is, in my opinion, creepy as fuck,” she said. “I think we can all agree, though, that the charts this year belonged to Ariana. I think students will be glad to hear her music at Spring Fling.”
Bookstore to sell Juul pods Limited edition flavors include Tully’s tenders Juuliana Huff Staff writer
This Sunday, the Binghamton University Bookstore announced that they will be releasing a new line of Binghamton-themed Juul Pods. Due to slower business during this winter and struggling sales, the Bookstore has decided to turned to Juul Pods as a last-ditch effort to make cash. “Business has been really slow for us for the past few months. We’ve spent days racking our brains, wondering what we’ve been doing wrong. Ultimately, we decided that rather than fighting the rise in popularity of e-cigarettes among teens and young adults, we should embrace it. After all, technology is the way of the future, and every generation needs a high-quality scam. It just makes sense from a business perspective,” said store manager Julian Pahd. According to Pahd, BU has the perfect target audience for selling the pods, especially since a good portion of the student body already owns a Juul. “You can’t walk around campus without seeing a student whip out their Juuls to take a hit,” Pahd said. “Now imagine walking through a cloud of Juul smoke that smells reminiscent of Chick-N-Bap white sauce or Tully’s chicken tenders.” Other innovative new flavors the line of Binghamton-themed Juul pods will offer are Nite Owl
the real photo editor Got the runs and need the perfect place to take a shit? Keep reading this article for the best bathrooms on campus.
rusty shackleford juuler Embrace your Juul addiction and take a hit of these new Binghamtonthemed Juul pod flavors, ranging from Chick-N-Bap white sauce to the tasty chicken tenders of Tully’s.
pizza logs, JT’s fishbowls, vodka cranberry, Nite Owl milkshakes and limited edition Spiedies. The Bookstore worked closely with Binghamton’s Undergraduate Chemistry Society in formulating and manufacturing the Juul Pods. “We may or may not be getting a 20 percent discount on Juul Pods,” said Cal Cium, a senior majoring in chemistry and president of the undergraduate chemistry society. “I can’t wait to flex on my bros with these flavors. Everyone’s going to be asking me for a hit.” Although the pods are a new business endeavor, Pahd has high hopes for the future of BU pods.
“We’ve already gotten endorsed by Baxter the Bearcat. We’re hoping to get an endorsement from President Harvey Stenger next. That’ll definitely make them fly off the shelves,” Pahd said. Pahd has made it clear that the Bookstore will not be slowing down releases anytime soon. “Going forward, students can expect to see green Juul holders for their phones so they won’t lose them,” Pahd said. “We call it Juulry.” These cutting-edge, spirited Juul pods will be launching in three days. Take pride as a student at the premier public Ivy and post your BU Juul pics with #BingJuuls.
Guide to shitting on campus Don’t settle for the stalls that don’t close
having a couple visitors over in your stall?
Any bathroom Library Tower
IBS Girl
Gender-neutral bathrooms near Jazzmans
Beautiful ’60s decor, and for a few cents you can get a tampon that’s been in the dispenser since the ’80s.
Tired of having to hold in your poop on those long days stuck on campus? For the poop-shy among us, finding a suitable spot isn’t always easy. Next time you get the runs, check out Pipe Dream’s rundown on on-campus bathrooms.
You’ll wait on line every time to use this bathroom, even though there are perfectly viable (and less public) options less than a minute’s walk away.
arts & culture intern
The Nature Preserve Wherever you’d like!
Student Wing bathrooms Typically clean, and with the unique advantage of having stall doors that don’t lock. What’s better than
in
the
West Gym Locker Room bathroom The bathroom always smells like shit. Who is shitting on the floor in this locker room? And why is there always a single unflushed toilet?
The Lecture Hall bathrooms
Harvey Stenger’s office
What you lose from lack of seclusion, you gain in anonymity.
The administration’s always taking a shit on us. Why not return the favor?
bupipedream.com | April 1, 2019
ARTS & CULTURE
7
An expert’s guide to dressing like a major fuckboy From jerseys to Hawaiian shirts, your looks got it all Chad Chaddington staff writer
This everlasting tundra we’ve been stuck in seems to be on its way to brighter days and better ‘fits to go along with it. Time to leave those button-up cardigans and timberlands in the closet, and who better to ask fashion advice from than a straight white boy? We were lucky enough to sit down with our favorite resident fuckboy, Jeremy Chowder, for some fashion tips and to educate us on the proper time to wear a Hawaiian shirt or a jersey. “Your look just really comes down to your swagger, and how you walk down State Street. If you don’t have a mean stride, no one is gonna give you a double take, not even if you’re wearing the new Yeezy’s,” said the man himself. “And that, my friends, would be a tragedy.” He explained that after you get down that cocky walk, the shirt is the next thing to worry about. He led us to his closet and showed us his jersey collection, exclusively full of primarily basketball jerseys with a few graphic tees and Hawaiian shirts mixed in. When posed with the question about what makes a jersey a must-have item, his response was inspiring. “A jersey … is one of those timeless objects that will never not be perfect for any occasion in my book,” he said as he wiped a tear from under his eye. “Basketball jerseys especially just let you give off that vibe where it seems like you don’t care, you know? But in reality, repping our favorite team is us telling the world we’re superior because we like UNC over Duke. Put this together with some Adidas track pants and everyone is gonna think you’re not a narp.” “Sicko Mode” played in the background as he moved past
the heap of clothes sitting in the middle of his room to get to his closet that had about five shirts hanging and the rest on the ground. The next item he pulled out was a salmon-colored button-up. “This shirt is my ultimate favorite shirt to wear for any outing that is out of Binghamton,” he said as he fixed his hair in the mirror. “I really like to put this with my tan classic Sperry’s and Khaki shorts, my mom said they look more clean-cut.” When he started talking about his shoes, you could see the pure joy in his eyes. The Yeezy box was evidently the only thing he cared about in his room, sitting by itself on the top rack of his closet. “My go-to pair for shoes is my Yeezy’s but I don’t wear them out, I only wear them to class to flex on my friends,” he said. “When I’m gonna go out with my boys, I go for my favorite pair of party shoes: all-black Vans. They really make your feet look fly.” Of course, we could not forget the essential accessories when it comes to every look. “If you have AirPods, you have to wear them all the time, even if you’re only walking down the street to a party. You gotta flex, you know,” he said. “How else are people, especially your professors, supposed to know you rich rich and easily could have bribed your way into school?” He also went into an extra spiel about what is part of an essential dage outfit. “Wayfarer Ray-Bans are part of every look I wear on the reg, no matter how cloudy it is out. Even if I’m wearing a shirt with the sides cut out, they just bring the whole ‘good vibes’ look together, you know? Especially with that bucket hat on,” he said. “Basically if you just wear all of these things at the same time, you’ll be sure to get laid, I mean, get noticed,” he ended with a wink.
provided by kennedys
You already talk like a Brad. Follow these fuckboy tips to look like one as well.
Quiz: Which Marketplace eatery are you?
Bing aesthetics for the signs
BU’s Marketplace not only offers extremely overpriced eating options, but also leaves you wishing you hadn’t eaten there at all. Have you ever wondered if you’re the perfect match for your favorite Marketplace spot? Probably not, but take this quiz anyway to find out! 1. Where are you most likely to be found on a Friday night? a. Hanging out with a few good friends. b. Working out at the gym or going to bed early. c. Hitting as many bars as possible before you black out. d. Talking shit about your big at a sorority mixer.
Capricorn
Aquarius
Pisces
Hot chocolate from Jazzman’s, softly fluttering snowflakes, deer crossing the Spine at midnight.
Overpriced fairy lights, music heard from outside a house party, a feral cat following you home.
The scent of Tully’s, the liminal lighting of the Marketplace at night, chairs with outdated patterns.
2. Which residential community is your favorite? a. Hinman — everyone’s friendly and we all know each other. b. College-in-the-Woods — I love being close to Sodexo’s only vegan station. c. Newing — there’s always someone looking to party. d. Mountainview — more suitemates means more drama. 3. Which school subject do you excel in? a. Human development — I love to give back to the community. b. Environmental studies — healthy living is a priority for me. c. I never go to class. d. Business — I’m willing to do anything to make it to the top.
Aries
Taurus
Gemini
The warm red brick of Binghamton Hots, pulling trig in a shadowy courtyard, being elbowed in the face on the bus line.
Lavender ice cream from Sugar Lips, the free umbrella you got from Family Weekend, the gentle touch of a salamander.
The smell of spring rain every day for two weeks, ginkgo leaves scattered outside Fine Arts, the glow of the greenhouse at night.
4. What’s your favorite way to destress? a. Hosting a potluck for my friends. b. Going to the gym for an hour or more. c. Downing a Four Loko. d. Gossiping. 5. What’s your favorite part of going BU? a. Seeing people I know on the way to class. b. Hiking in the Nature Preserve. c. Getting trashed every weekend. d. Sucking up to professors and then dragging them on RateMyProfessors at the end of the semester.
Cancer
Leo
Virgo
Campfire smoke, acoustic guitar, tripping at the Blake.
Jumping into the Susquehanna with your clothes on, getting wasted at brunch with a view of the water, Birkenstocks.
A fluorescent gas station interior, bold eyeshadow, hot chips.
If you got mostly A’s, you’re Mein Bowl. Dependable and comforting, friendliness is your top priority. If you got mostly B’s, you’re Gardentoss. Partial to whole foods and healthy habits, you give off major “crunchy granola” vibes. If you got mostly C’s, you’re Tully’s. You love to get wild and satisfy your deepest cravings, even if that doesn’t always lead to healthy choices.
Libra
Scorpio
Sagittarius
If you got mostly D’s, you’re Chick-N-Bap. Your “lamb” contains no lamb, only beef. You’re fake and two-faced, and you attract scandal like Venue attracts freshmen.
The colors of fall in the mountains, overpriced bookstore merch, the scent of weed wafting from CIW.
The eerie green light of the library tower, ravens calling from the roof of C4, wet socks.
The Hinman Starbucks on a snowy day, the sparkle of ice on the pond, cozy holiday sweaters from Walmart.
NONE
File all complaints about missing crosswords to Thursday, Thursday, Monday, Monday, September October October April 3,2,5, 2017 28, 2017 2017 2017 none@bupipedream.com
COMIC CLUB
A place For Everything Comics! everyone is welcome! comicclub@binghamtonsa.org
SA CHARTERED
pipedream.com | April 58, 1942
SPORTS
9
bob jameso
Why are you saying stuff like this? Why are you doing this? Why are you — is this another marketing tool of yours?
Source: Kevin Durant to consider coaching Bearcats To sign Lamar Odom, who was on CRACK! Rich Kleiman
kd please come to the knicks
The impending free agency of Golden State Warriors forward Kevin Durant has been a hotbed of discussion in NBA circles, particularly in the New York City-Metropolitan Area. There have been many reports linking Durant’s interest in the New York Knicks and Brooklyn Nets, as the 10-time All-Star and
two-time Finals MVP has his sights set on the LeBron James formula of carrying a lesstalented team while focusing on outside business ventures. While these previous rumors have some veracity to them, a very untrustworthy source has informed Pipe Bomb that Durant is not only focusing on his next playing destination this summer, but is also considering retiring and transitioning into coaching, having a potential assistant coaching position with the Binghamton men’s basketball program on his mind.
“Trust me on this, I have never leaked wrong information in my life,” the source said. “I haven’t leaked any information in my life, but I have never leaked wrong information in my life.” Durant is in the midst of his third year on Golden State, which currently boasts the best record in the Western Conference. The 30-year-old has been a massive reason for the Warriors’ success in recent years and is averaging 26.8 points, 6.6 rebounds and 5.7 assists in 35.3 minutes per game this season. Seemingly in
his prime, it is fair to wonder why Durant would call it quits at the height of his playing career. However, Durant has previously mentioned his desire to retire at an age younger than most of his counterparts. “This game, your craft, you have to continue studying it,” Durant told ESPN in September. “No matter how much you enjoy it, nobody wants to be in school that long. I know I don’t. At some point, you have to be ready to graduate. 35 [years old], that’s just a number in my mind.” Sure, Durant is just under
five years from his target retirement age, but the same source unfamiliar with the situation claims that he is only shouting that number for the element of distraction. Although his show, the Boardroom, has debuted on ESPN+, Durant has allegedly only tied with ESPN for the purpose of watching Binghamton men’s basketball. “He just wants everyone to be off guard,” the source said. “He wants to be a Bearcat. He wears green under his jersey for every game and bought an ESPN+ subscription just
for Binghamton. He asks Steve [Kerr] daily to make the Warriors’ colors green and white.” Binghamton had its most successful season as a program since 2009 this season, reaching the America East semifinals after a win over 13-point favorite Stony Brook. Time will only tell if Durant decides to join Binghamton and form an incredibly potent coaching staff. The only certainty is that the Bearcats will be in the running for Durant this summer.
Binghamton to host Wrestlemania 35 at Events Center Ohhhhh wow wow RKO outta nowhere wow Too Young to have Aim
drinks orange juice with pulp
Following the success of the 2018 EIWA Championships a few weeks back, Binghamton University has been selected to host WrestleMania 35 on April 7. The event was originally scheduled to take place at MetLife Stadium, but after watching the EIWAs, WWE executives were so enamored with Binghamton’s sterling locale that they made an emergency decision to move the widely watched event to BU’s own Events Center. “We’re super excited to bring WrestleMania to the beautiful town of Vestal,” said WWE chairman and CEO Vince McMahon. “The Events Center is a state-ofthe-art facility that will well accommodate the thousands of fans who come to watch their favorite wrestlers.” This edition of WrestleMania will be unlike any other, as BU wrestlers will participate for the first time. Standout BU redshirt freshman Lou DePrez is slated to take on current Universal Champion Brock Lesnar in the main event. Based on the way DePrez wrestled down the stretch, many wrestling experts are predicting that this match can go either way. DePrez, for his part, is projecting confidence. “The guy’s washed,” DePrez said. “He may have been good maybe 10 years ago, but now he’s an old has-been with a face like a bruised potato. I’m not that worried.”
As soon as the change was announced, thousands of ardent wrestling fans rushed to book rooms at the luxurious Quality Inn on Vestal Parkway East. Hotel accommodations quickly filled up across the Binghamton area, so BU eagerly opened its doors, allowing fans and wrestlers alike to make themselves at home in the University’s dorms. John Cena and Ronda Rousey were reportedly seen sharing a bunk bed in Mountainview’s Hunter Hall, while Buddy Murphy was spotted eating in Chenango Champlain Collegiate Center. In many ways, BU’s hosting of WrestleMania 35 represents a test run for future events. If all runs seamlessly, as McMahon expects, then the Binghamton area will be first in line to become home to a team in McMahon’s revamped XFL. The original XFL folded after just one season 18 years ago, but McMahon is confident that the Binghamton Catbears will be the centerpiece that will lift the XFL to renewed popularity, surpassing the NFL as the most popular football league in the nation. “BU students are so energetic in rooting for their athletics teams, there’s no doubt it will carry over,” McMahon said. “We’ve got the best fans, we’re going to get the best players, and it will be fantastic. It’s about damn time Binghamton had a football team!” WrestleMania 35 is slated to begin on April 7. Be sure to buy your tickets soon, as the Events Center is sure to fill up quickly (except for the students’ section, that’ll be empty).
laura matthewson normal, for me though I’m not gonna sit up here and act like, ‘Oh my god, there’s so much to look forward to. I’m so excited about basketball at Madison Square Garden!’ WhenthehellhaveIhadareasontobeexcitedaboutbasketballinMadisonSquareGarden?!
FREE AUNT BECKY
ME: I DON’T EVEN CARE IF
they cancel sports HOWARD STERN: THAT’S WILD
Legalize Ranch.
We have been hoodwinked, bamboozled, led astray, run amok and flat-out deceived by the Binghamton men’s basketball program.
kingolo shpi-lon assistant decay officer
Men’s basketball takes Giants-like boat trip to Miami Motorsport: put that thang in sport (skrt skrt) Guy Fieri
welcome to flavor town
Everything was going great — the Binghamton men’s basketball team had just defeated No. 2 Stony Brook to advance to the second round of the conference tournament for the first time since 2012. BU was riding its foreign postseason momentum
heading into a matchup with Vermont, until freshman guard Sam Sessoms decided to organize an all-expenses paid boat trip to Miami, Florida. “I just took a page out of Odell Beckham’s playbook,” Sessoms said. “I was trying to get my guys hyped.” Similar to the New York Football Giants when they tried to battle the Green Bay Packers, Binghamton went on to drop its playoff game against the Catamounts.
While the expectations for a Bearcats victory was slim, the team was nonetheless disappointed in its 33-point loss in large part due to the impromptu vacation. “Obviously it’s tough to win a playoff game when your guys take a trip down to South Beach right beforehand,” said BU head coach Tommy Dempsey. “We were not at all focused on overpowering Vermont, especially considering everyone still had sand in their shoes when they
returned.” Since the Giants’ boat trip, the team has gone a lackluster 8-24 and has since traded its all-pro wide receiver to none other than the Cleveland Browns. Despite all of this, Sessoms remains confident that his program will not experience the same degree of setbacks. “I came here to change the culture. I still think we can accomplish that despite the trip,” Sessoms said. “While we still had a great fucking time,
it was probably poor timing.” Notably absent from the University-funded voyage was graduate student guard J.C. Show, who, despite the lopsided defeat, maintained a positive attitude and commended his teammates for participating in their bonding activities. “Yeah, we lost, but my teammates were great in the game and I do not blame them for taking the trip,” Show said. “Sure, I would have liked to have been invited, and I
cannot fucking believe that I was not invited, but hey, they are my teammates and they always got my back.” Even with the welldeserved criticism for the boat trip from all sectors of the media, members of the team’s staff seemed confident that vacationing in Miami for a few days was warranted. “When they make it that far, they just got to live it up and make the most of it,” said senior student EQUIPMENT manager Evan Bole. “YOLO.”
Men’s soccer to use Planet Fitness in offseason training Fitness, fitness, fitness, fitness, fitness, fitness Jeremy Buffalo horns up
It’s no secret that fitness has been a problem the last few years for the Binghamton men’s soccer team. Determined to change that in 2019, BU head coach Paul Marco is taking some drastic measures with his squad. Marco has signed up his entire team for the famous $10-per-month subscription to Planet Fitness. “Fitness, fitness, fitness,” Marco said. “Fitness, fitness, fitness, fitness. That’s our goal in 2019, and I can’t think of a better way to promote it than by sending my players to somewhere with fitness in its name.” Ignoring the potential NCAA violations that come with gift-giving, Marco is moving forward with his bold strategy for revamping his players’ conditioning procedures. “As a public university, it’s impossible for our strength and conditioning department to compete with the level of service offered at Planet Fitness,” Marco said. “The quality of equipment found there is second to none, and I believe The Judgement Free
Zone will provide an excellent opportunity for the team to improve its fitness.” Planet Fitness has been constantly expanding internationally, now having locations in Canada and Mexico, among other countries. With one of BU’s most diverse rosters of international students, Marco is confident that the availability of locations worldwide will be suitable for all of his student athletes in the future. “There’ll be a Planet Fitness in Germany, there’ll be a Planet Fitness in Switzerland, there’ll even be a Planet Fitness in Wakanda,” Marco said. “There’s no place in the world I could recruit from where there won’t be a franchise.” As BU looks to take its men’s soccer program to the next level, fitness is the priority for Marco’s squad. In an effort to join the upper echelon of NCAA men’s soccer, the team will look to make the most of Planet Fitness’ topnotch workout environment. With this, several coaches are taking notice of Marco’s bold strategy. “If I had signed up my team for Planet Fitness, we would never have lost that game to Trinidad and Tobago,” said former U.S. Men’s National
I’m so sick of these people. You — you know … OOOOOHHHHH
Team head coach Bruce Arena. “I applaud Paul for this monumental decision and I believe it has the potential
to affect soccer coaches all around the world.” While other coaches react to Marco’s announcement, he
david pinkerqon quinkeruon shtinkerpon
is focused on the effect it will have on the team this season. “As the only school in the America East with every player
belonging to Planet Fitness, I know we will have the upper hand,” Marco said. “Take that, New Hampshire.”