Generation to Generation

Finding Family In Changing Church Cultures

Families are not struggling because there are weak churches. Churches are in a great battle for the lives of all generations because the family structure has become weak and disconnected.

The church is reflection of the families within the church. Sadly, we frequently use the term “family” for our church but in many cases our churches do not represent and model the family, as God intended for us.

GOD STATES WE ARE HIS FAMILY. IN EPHESIANS 3:14-21, IT IS WRITTEN:

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whomevery family in heaven and on earth is named, that according tothe riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened withpower through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ maydwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted andgrounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all thesaints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, andto know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that youmay be filled with all the fullness of God.

Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

There is a huge difference between vibrant family life and an extended family getting together for a reunion. When family comes together for a reunion, they present their best side to the larger family… Real family knows the struggles because they are there day after day…Real family knows each other inside out. They see the good, the bad, and the ugly, and they still love each other and work as a unit to encourage each member. We can be ourselves in a family. There is no test to pass; we are included simply because we are family.

In addition to family, another recurring theme in the Bible is the command from God that His word and heart should be passed from one generation to the next.

In Psalms 78:6-7, God tells His family “The children who would be born, that they may arise and declare them to their children.”

As difficult as it may be to imagine, we are accountable for even generations yet to be born.

Now, more than ever in recent history, churches seem to be separated by age, gender and special needs. As a church grows, it has the tendency to become more divided into separate groups or ministries for every age, gender or affinity group.

I am not suggesting that we should cancel of all specific ministries of the church, such as youth, seniors groups, or men and women’s fellowships. There are clearly needs and justification for multiple ministries in the church. But in many cases the ministries become a church within the church.

While we call the church a family, in reality our ministries are stratified by age groups or special needs. And the special needs often relate to a portion of an age group— for example, special needs within the sector of the seniors, Baby Boomers, or Gen-Xers. Typically, all the generations of the church are brought together for one worship service throughout the week, and even on that occasion, in many churches the children and teens are removed for a separate worship service away from their parents.

Mark DeVries, Associate Pastor for Youth and Families at First Presbyterian Church in Nashville, Tennessee, identifies the problem well. Several years ago I had the opportunity to visit with Mark, and he gave me a copy of a book he wrote in 1994 entitled Family Based Youth Ministries. It has since been revised and is well worth the time to read.

IN THE FIRST CHAPTER HE STATES:

What I am calling ‘traditional youth ministry’ has little to do with style or programming or personality. It has to do with the place of teenagers in the community of faith. Over the last century, churches and parachurch youth ministries alike have increasingly (and often unwittingly) held to a single strategy that has become the most common characteristic of this model: the isolation of teenagers from the adult world and particularly from their own parents.

The idea of true family can oftenmean those identified as adultsare engaged in an activity in thesanctuary or fellowship room; theyouth are in a different room orfacility, and the children are in theirpart of the building.

Often we think that because we’re heading to the same place together, we’re really involved in each other’s lives. Most church functions would resemble a reunion rather than a true family gathering. Larry Kreider, founder of Dove Christian Fellowship International, puts it this way:

“There is a huge difference between vibrant family life and an extended family getting together for a reunion. When family comes together for a reunion, they present their best side to the larger family…Real family knows the struggles because they are there day after day…Real family knows each other inside out. They see the good, the bad, and the ugly, and they still love each other and work as a unit to encourage each member. We can be ourselves in a family. There is no test to pass; we are included simply because we are family.”

We must look at our churches and ask a simple question: are we doing more to separate our children and teens from their parents and grandparents than we are doing to help them grow stronger together?

In the church, as in life, we need each other. All generations are important elements of the church family. Churches, which are now comprised of primarily older Christians, are dying. Churches that focus on attracting only younger men and women will need to adapt as their congregation grows older otherwise the church will see many depart when their lives and family structure changes.

There are several conclusions I have reached in more than two decades of reading and studying the value of intergenerational cultures and organizations:

• Young children are drawn to older men and women in their presence.

• Young men and women hunger for older men and women who will invest in them as a person.

• There is a significant shortage of mentors and coaches for men and women.

• The impact of older men and women in the life of a young person often has a lifetime impact.

• Older adults live longer and healthier lives when they have significant relationships with children, teens and young men and women.

• Rarely do I find churches that have too many volunteers.

A true “intergenerational” environment does not mean all generations are simply in the same building at the same time. It means that we are intentionally bringing people together for the purpose of developing intergenerational relationships.

Often the question is, “Can anyone tellus what are the characteristics of a trulyintergenerational church?”

Consider three characteristics:

• Every generation has a “seat at the table.”

• Every generation has the opportunity to serve and is served.

• Every generation has value.

Having a seat at the table simply means we are all doing life together. In our family we have never had an adult table for meals and a separate children’s table. I have often told parents, if you seat your children at a separate table when theyare young, they will put you at a separate table when you are old.

Every generation has value. Many churches are failing to connect with incredible young men and women, as well as phenomenal older men and women who have so much to offer “the Body.” This is often because we feel someone must look and think like us for them to be a contributor. The “talent drain” in most churches is one of the most destructive inhibitors to growth.

The real question is; “How do we create an intergenerational church?” Here are a few tips:

FIRST

We must understand that being intergenerational is not a program or system. It is a core value that is reflected in the culture of the Church. A core value of any organization should be a critical element of all programs and is woven into the fibre and fabric every system.

SECOND

An intergenerational church will be marked by the life relationships across generational lines. The environment of the church will intentionally create opportunities for intergenerational relationships to be formed through activities and service to others.

THIRD

An intergenerational culture is easily identified by a leadership development process that includes men and women of all generations. Young men and women are looking for opportunities to lead in circumstances beyond their own age group. They are looking for places where they can be developed as leaders and also trusted to lead.

There are many who might be wondering what they have to offer to the younger generations. The answer is simple—they can offer themselves. Young men and women have questions and they are looking for safe places to ask their tough life questions. They are looking for safe people who will allow them to ask their tough “God” questions.

In conclusion, revealing studies in church growth and decline indicate two clear trends:

There is a clearly a significant loss of young men and women from the church when they leave their parent’s home. Similarly, the number of seniors in many churches is also in decline, possibly because they are feeling disenfranchised and no longer valued in many cases.

Simultaneously, while some churches continue to face losses in congregants, other churches are experiencing significant growth, in both the younger and older generations. These churches have at least one common factor—intentionality towards being truly intergenerational. In churches such as these everyone gets to serve. Everyone gets to be served.

We all bring something to the table. We all offer something that is valuable. And we all carry a spirit of being needed.

/ CHUCK STECKER is the President and Founder of A Chosen Generation.