Arguments That Kill Your Marriage

Tips for Finding Better Things to Fight About

In a marriage there are good arguments and bad arguments. Some arguments are necessary. An argument that settles an ongoing issue can be helpful.

But not all arguments are created equal. Some are unhelpful and some are downright deadly. From my experience, here are four to avoid:

1. ARGUMENTS ABOUT ARGUMENTS

Generally speaking, when you find yourself arguing about how you argue its time to seek pastoral or professional counsel. This is a bad road to go down.

If these arguments aren’t shut down they will destroy the dialogue within your marriage.

Try working out the rules for marital dialogue when you’re not already fighting. When you are both in a good state of mind agree on some basic ground rules. It might even be a good idea to write your rules down. This can save you a great deal of emotional energy.

2. ARGUMENTS ABOUT FEELINGS, REACTIONS AND RESPONSES

All people are entitled to instinctive and natural feelings and responses. If you startle them they may jump; you can’t hold people accountable for instinctive responses.

This comes up more often then you might imagine in marriage. A wife might accuse her husband of being attracted to the waitress; the husband might accuse the wife of being disappointed that he didn’t get the promotion. These arguments can be devastating because they feel unjust to the person being questioned.

Martin Luther said something helpful about the difference between reactions and settled thoughts. He said that you can’t keep the birds from flying over your head, but you can keep them from building a nest in your hair. Therefore, for the health of your marriage ignore the birds and only argue over nests.

3. ARGUMENTS ABOUT IDENTITY

Good arguments focus on actions and words. Bad arguments target identity and essence. In a good argument a wife might say to her husband: “When you didn’t stand up for me yesterday when your mother criticized my parenting style I was really upset. Why didn’t you step up and protect me?” In a bad argument the wife says: “Why are you so passive? Why can’t you act like a man? Why are you so scared of your mother?” Do you see the difference?

Arguments about identity are devastating because they communicate an essential dissatisfaction with the other person. It sounds like you are saying “I wish I wasn’t married to you. I don’t respect you. I want out.”

That’s a marriage killer.

People view their own actions and words from a bit of a distance. Most of us are aware that we frequently do and say dumb things and therefore it is far less stressful to speak about the things we’ve said or done than it is to speak about who we are.

4. ARGUMENTS THAT NEVER END

There are two common varieties of the never-ending argument. The first variety is the “merry-go-round” argument. In this argument the stimulus is ongoing but there is no chance for resolution because of underlying disagreement. (Example: child discipline.)

This cannot continue.

The second type of never ending argument is the “infinite sidetrack” argument. In this argument any time one individual feels threatened he or she introduces a sidetrack or a red herring.

There are so many twists and turns in this argument that both parties decide it isn’t worth the bother. This can quickly leads to a sense of defeatism. There is no point in talking about anything because the arguments never go anywhere.

Sidetracking is generally a defense mechanism used by a person who feels rushed, overwhelmed and accused. Such a person usually does better with advance notice and a clearly defined agenda.

All four of these arguments can do serious harm to an otherwise healthy relationship. The good news is that a marriage is a living thing. And like all living things if we stop doing what is harmful we should see healing, life and growth once again.

Marriage is a gift. Guard it. Feed it. Grow it. Weed it.

/ PAUL CARTER is a husband, father, and the lead pastor at First Baptist Church in Orillia, Ontario. For more from Paul Carter, visit www.adfontes.ca/blogs/rmm or check out www.blueletterbible.org.