An "EKG" Grieving Hearts for

HOW LONG DOES GRIEF LAST? That’s a question for which we all want the answer. But people and circumstances are so varied that no one can say how long it goes. It lasts as long as it lasts, and it always lasts too long. In our drive-through society, we want things done quickly, but grief is a process that’s not bound to a schedule. It’s hard to measure.

But, just as an electrocardiogram (EKG) records the electrical signal from the physical heart, we can use the letters E—K—G to measure conditions in our grieving heart. It gives us some clues about where we could use some help. The more help we get, the better equipped we are to do this process, and the less likelihood of getting stuck in it. Let’s take a look at an “EKG” for a grieving heart and see where we stand. This is not a substitute for, nor is it intended to be, medical advice.

• E Express yourself and Exercise

• K Know God and Know what you need to know about grief

• G Gather with people and practice Gratitude

E—Express Yourself and Exercise

*Are you expressing yourself enough? Talk it out.

We all need to talk about our losses. Losing a loved one is often overwhelming and hard to put into words, but talking about it is very therapeutic.

Talk to a friend who is able to listen without trying to fix things or correct you. They should respect your honesty and be strong enough themselves to carry some of your burden. It’s good to have more than one person to talk to, so also talk to God. Try praying out loud; it does us good to hear our own voice. God cares, and He has the power to truly help us in times of need.

Talk to your doctor soon after losing your loved one. Get a baseline on your health so that in the months to come, you’ll be able to see if stress is taking a toll on your sleep patterns or eating habits.

There are creative ways of expression too. Write in a journal as often as you like. Some people write several times throughout the day, while others write only once every couple of weeks. Writing poetry helps. If you’ve been itching to write a book, get started! If you don’t care for writing, express yourself with art or hobbies. *Do you get enough exercise? It's an amazing help.

Exercise aids grief recovery in so many ways. The body feels better and looks better, the emotions get a lift, and it gives you something to accomplish. A twentyminute walk works wonders, and it doesn’t require a gym membership. I set a timer and circle through my kitchen and living room when I can’t go outside. If you can’t fit in twenty minutes, take five or ten a couple of times a day. Start with what you can do and gradually work up. Be sure to ask your doctor in case you need to avoid particular exercises.

On a scale of 1–10, worst to best, where are you at in expressing yourself and getting some exercise? Are you pleased with your answer? If not, why not? What has to change in order to improve?

K—Know God and Know What You Need to Know About Grief

*Know God, and cling to Him on this journey.

The death of a spouse is one of the most stressful events of a lifetime. Values, routines, finances, plans, and dreams are all upended. The presence of God is the only solid footing for the soul. There are times when even faith, as we are accustomed to it, can give out. But it’s during those dark times that faith proves true. Eventually we realize how massive God Himself truly is, and how very small we are in comparison. That He would send His Son, Jesus Christ, to take the blame and punishment we deserve becomes a true solace in grief.

We learn that in His perfect time and wisdom, He cares; He provides. For “He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how shall he not with him also freely give us all things?” (Romans 8:32).

*Know what you need to know about grief.

You don’t need to know everything, but you should know a few things. Here are some basics:

Grief: it’s when we feel sad about a loss, particularly the death of a person. It’s also possible to grieve about the loss of a possession like a home, a body part or function, a pet, or anything stolen away. Loss of a daily routine or job, loss of a hoped-for future, loss of identity, etc., can all cause grief to one degree or another.

Compounded grief: when your loss is a combination of any of the losses just mentioned. Many a widow experiences compounded grief: she not only lost her husband, she has also lost daily routine, identity as a wife, and dreams for her future.

Complicated grief: has the addition of trauma, PTSD, multiple deaths, unresolved grief, abuse, suicide, clinical depression, and more. I’m an advocate for good counseling at any time, but if you think you might be dealing with complicated grief, do not hesitate to talk to a wise and experienced counselor.

There’s also unresolved grief from prior losses and pre-grieving, which can happen when facing a known and undesirable outcome.

What type of grief are you experiencing? Identifying the type can help you determine the next step to take. Next steps might involve knowing God better, committing to exercise more, choosing a way to express your thoughts and feelings, and finding a counselor.

G—Gather with People and Practice Gratitude

*Gather with people.

Do you feel the walls of your house or apartment closing in on you? When “the silence is deafening,” it’s time to be with people! A trip to the grocery store, mall, or local diner is a good start. Just get around people even though you might not talk to them. Or, invite someone to lunch or coffee. Get back to church. Try a new Bible study group. Find a GriefShare group in your area at www.griefshare.org. Visit your local library—spend the afternoon there with a good book or a free class. Volunteer in your community. Why not go to Winesburg, Ohio? Visit Plain Values magazine for the “Porch Time” gathering on the third Friday of each month from 1:00 pm to 4:00 pm. Say “hello” to Marlin Miller and his great team for me, and that you and I connect through this column.

Choose to gather with people—it’s like good medicine. It’s true that solitude is also a healing part of grief but be careful not to isolate yourself. Extended isolation makes grief worse. Find a balance that works for you.

*Practice Gratitude.

We hear new benefits of practicing gratitude every day. It’s right up there with exercise. In my book,

Postcards from the Widows’ Path, when the widow Naomi expressed gratitude, everything began to change for the better. (Chapter 14). What are you thankful for today? List at least three different things every day for three weeks, and people will start to see a difference.

What sort of goals for gathering and gratitude will you work on?

What does my “EKG” indicate for your grieving heart? Test yourself again in six months and see how things have changed. We will always miss the loved one who died, but eventually, the weight of the sorrow will lighten. It becomes bearable, and the memory of them becomes precious and priceless. We can become so grateful they were a part of our life that we wouldn’t trade this path for anything less. //

Until next month, ferree