Bizarre News

FIT AS A BUTCHER’S DOG

When American TV networks announced that Joe Biden had won the election, they broadcast far and wide that the UK was obviously delighted with the news as the entire country had let off fireworks after hearing the results. In typical American fashion, they seem to have totally forgotten that on November 5th every year we celebrate the 1605 attempt by Guy Fawkes to blow up the Houses of Parliament! You couldn’t make it up. 94-year old care home resident, Gladys Hope from Basildon, was asked about the benefits of drinking water for long life. “For better digestion l drink beer. In case of appetite loss l drink white wine. In case of low blood pressure l drink scotch. When l have a cold l drink Schnapps”. “But when do you drink water?” “Oh, l’ve never been that sick,

BIZARRE NEWS YOU COULDN’T MAKE IT UP (anything to make us smile)

AMERICA THE GREAT

dear,” she replied.

MADE OF DOSH

The Ministry of Defence wrote off £430 million last year over IT and accountancy issues. The MOD stated it was ‘committed to delivering value’. Good gig if you can get it.

ALADDIN

Two men allegedly duped a doctor into buying an ‘Aladdin’s Lamp’ for seven million rupees (£72,600). Dr Laeek Kahn reported to police in India that one of the men rubbed the lamp whilst the other sprang forth dressed as a genie and they were terribly convincing. Dr Dumb will see you now! I wonder how many patients he will have once news gets out? COMIC SLIP Offi cials at Stoke-on-Trent Crown Court have said they will not be pursuing several defendants who failed to show up for their scheduled hearings on November an ‘inputting error’ during a recent IT upgrade.

LA FRANÇAIS SONT FOUS Parents at a school in Southern France have been ordered to stop throwing their children over the school gates. The Trillade primary school in Avignon put up notices prohibiting parents from hoisting their sprogs over the 2-metre high gates if they were late due to several injuries.

DOG’S DINNER

We think of the Vatican as a loving and caring establishment yet when Pope Francis was anointed, a disenchanted female relative in Argentina warned him to ‘get a dog’. “Every time you eat you should give a piece to him fi rst. If he’s all right then you can carry on eating”.

PETROL HEADS

In Beijing, a 26 year-old women got married and divorced 17 times. Another, 37, married and divorced 28 times. It was not that they were indecisive or picky, just they wanted to drive a car. The right to drive is by number plate ownership and these are awarded by lottery with a 1-in3,120 chance of winning – but for the exception that you can transfer plates to a car-less spouse. These ladies played the fi eld but lost along with another 166 ladies who were all

10th. This raised eyebrows down the nick until it was reluctantly revealed the gentlemen in question were Mickey Mouse, Captain Hook and Bugs Bunny. HM Courts and Tribunals attributed the comic slip to arrested and sent for re-education.