Prosthesissampler

prosthesis

an Experimental Memoir by

Ariana D. Den Bleyker

prosthesis An Experimental Memoir —by—

Ariana D. Den Bleyker

In this innovative nonfiction account, Den Bleyker chronicles her struggles with mental illness. Heartbreaking, uplifting, powerful, and true, this collection of brief essays structured as posts on a mental health forum gives the reader an intimate insight into the process of recovery, which is terrifying and slow but also worth the fight. Den Bleyker relates her situation with strength, humor, and vulnerability. Writing is Den Bleyker’s prosthesis, her tool for salvation and recovery, and we’re fortunate enough to share in her passion.

—CL Bledsoe, author of Riceland and Man of Clay

Š2014 Ariana D. Den Bleyker All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced without the express written permission of the author, except in the case of written reviews.

ISBN 978-1-929878-58-1 First edition

PO Box 5301 San Pedro, CA 90733 www.lummoxpress.com /lc/

Printed in the United States of America

I’ve always been here. I’ve never left.

I’ve just been asleep for a long, long time and never realized it.

INTRODUCTION My first reading of prosthesis impressed me with its vividness and honesty. It also sent me reeling.

I was overwhelmed and confused by what I had just read. It appeared to be a compilation of a few years’ worth of blog posts from a site called Building Hope Blog Forum (support in a safe & secure environment). I’m familiar with online health forums, particularly mental health forums, where I’ve looked for answers and companionship during times of depression and anxiety. The Building Hope Blog Forum was a no-frills but easy-to-read site in which posters, each using a screen name, talked about living with bipolar disorder. The conversation was blunt, detailed, scorching in its moments of despair, revivifying in its moments of advice and encouragement. It was a terrific read and I took away a more complete picture of bipolar disorder as well as the courage it takes to live with it.

There was just one problem: what I’d read was not a conversation from September 2010 until the end of 2013; it’s a hybrid, an experimental memoir written by one person about her very real experience with bipolar disorder, yet told through the dramatic monologues of ten characters. I’ve never read anything like it.

It’s in our nature to filter the world, which often feels chaotic and withholding, through every means we have: through religious and philosophical filters, through the range of emotions, even through parts of ourselves that might feel cut off from the core self. The urge to live, and live a meaningful life, is at the core of this book. The main character of prosthesis is JustMe42, a woman who gives very little information about herself, other than the fact that she’s a wife and mother who has lurked on the site for a year before introducing herself to the community. As her story unfolds over the months, she describes a sense of “luminosity” on some days, a panicked suicidality on others, and the struggle with anxiety and cognitive disturbances (such as black-and-white thinking) that are classic symptoms of bipolar disorder. The reader begins to understand how exhausting, even lethal, this disorder can be, how rapid mood cycles can wear a person down physically and spiritually, and how taking Lithium, rightly hailed as effective for mood stabilization, can feel like a deal with the devil.

Throughout prosthesis, the wisdom within this small community is remarkable and generously given.

Den Bleyker has a beautiful way with words and the book is made strong through the use of metaphor: “as navigators of the night, as sailors of the same storm, we share a common language.” JustMe42 is told to “start small and build your confidence gradually” and “you are stronger than the thoughts in your head.” This is a book that people with bipolar disorder, and those who love them, can both learn from and take solace in. No one, not even a person in a place of darkest suffering, is utterly alone.

—Leslie McGrath, August 2014 1

PREFACE The only material thing we truly possess is our body. We are born with it, and only relinquish it when we die. It is the foundation of our physical existence, and provides the housing for all our emotional, mental, and spiritual experiences. Truly, our bodies carry us and our minds move us. Use of a prosthesis not only helps regain freedom, it also can lead to many emotional advantages such as greater acceptance of impairment, feelings of social equality, enhanced independence, and a sense of security. Many persons with amputation incorporate their prosthesis into their self-image. In fact, many say they feel incomplete when not wearing it. Those who do not wish limb loss to be apparent will find an artificial limb is an excellent way to mask the presence of amputation and enable them to “fit in” better with others. I find the loss needn’t necessarily be physical.

The word prosthesis, derived from the Ancient Greek prósthesis, or “addition, application, attachment” is an artificial device that replaces a missing body part, which may be lost through trauma, disease, or congenital conditions. A person’s prosthesis is designed and assembled according to the patient’s appearance and functional needs, physically and mentally.

Losing control of your mind, your being is a scary thing. It impacts and influences everything: how you act, what you believe, how you’re perceived, who you will be. Nothing prepared me for being diagnosed with a mental illness, its impurities; raw beauty. Whether you look at yourself in the mirror on the wall or in the mirror of your mind, you are both the beholder and the beheld. When you have the courage to embrace your uniqueness as a human being, you will be comfortable and discover that the differences which distinguish you can be a source of strength and satisfaction.

Beauty, in its essence is a delightful thought, ever flowing, like the Clair de Lune by Claude Debussy.

Life is supposed to be beautiful. My bipolar diagnosis left nothing beautiful. No, it was all bones, blood, pain and doubt. I couldn’t bear opening my eyes, facing failure. I could feel the light, the aching glow filtering its way underneath my skin, and it was enough to let me know I was alive. Panic bursting into my lungs like sharp fragments of shattered glass and me gasping for air. A prickling confusion flooding me, voices screaming in my head. My candid arrogance, the perpetual bewilderment, fighting to come to terms disbelief and lack of hope, made me vulnerable, an easy prey to recklessness. Everything in my body ached, screaming for relief, begging for a drink. Those little sips of heaven, that could cast away the wickedest of spells: those little bits of hell. My head was crammed with discarded dreams, my vision obstructed by bright, tiny rainbow coloured particles of dust. Out of balance and numb, I staggered, determined, smiled carelessly, humming along to the Debussy, through life. Glorious.

Glorious. It started as a whisper. Words were morphed slowly into nonsensical sounds. My thoughts 2

were heavy. Too many of them. Weighing me down. Losing control of my mind. Barely audible. My tongue ran over my cracked lips like sandpaper. My eyes flickered open; shapes blurred, lights blinded; it was all too white, too bright. I wanted to leap from between the crisp, sheets in water; any water, as long as it was wet. I was desperate to feel moisture against my skin, in my mouth. But my body wouldn’t move, and, even if it did, where would it go? The voices continued to ebb and flow around me, my knuckles whitened as they recognized a sense for a split second before falling away to somewhere just beyond my grasp. I knew they should make something but they wouldn’t and my heart quickened as I tried to move; still my body refused. I could feel the cloud enveloping me and I fought with what little strength I had to resist it. In my mind, my body was hooked on a line, thrashing, fighting against the darkness. My heart continued to speed up, I felt a hand gripping mine as the panic rose up inside of me.

Light dazed my eyes, sound swirled around me and my wasted muscles tensed as the darkness claimed me; the world went out.

This world makes me nervous. I have this fear. It causes my legs to shake. I break out in a cold sweat. I start jabbering to anyone who is nearby. As thoughts of certain death run through my mind, the world appears a precious, treasured place. I imagine my own funeral, crave death, fear death. My stomach feels strange. My palms are clammy. My sense of security is screamingly its own absent.

Nothing understands.

No one understands why I cut myself. I tell them it’s because I’ve stopped feeling. I’m numb. My mother taught me to be a good girl. Keep it inside. She never told me stuffing myself full with anxiety, fear, sadness, disappointment, frustration, tucking them all into a small compartment in the pit of my stomach would deaden everything, create a perpetual hunger I’d continue to feed, to nourish with unbridled indulgence. That I’d crave sweet to drown the bitterness, salt to close the wounds, alcohol to forget. I’d lose my voice, forget everything I used to know. I tell them I cut to externalize. To cause pain, to learn what pain feels like, to see it in blood, scabs, to remember it forever in scars. They ask me why I must do everything in three. I tell them about the trinity, the co-existence of God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit as one force, one being. I tell them I’m the trinity. My mind, my body, my pain are one. I see three every where. It becomes a mantra of checks and balances, lock examinations, door closes.

Everything becomes an illusion of control for what my mother couldn’t teach, for what she told. I control the trinity, my body, my pain, my mind. I feed them, starve them, abuse them to compensate for the emptiness. I externalize the internal. I have no voice, though I speak.

I speak lies. My mother taught me how to lie. We lie, she said, because there’s no reason other people should know who we really are. So I lie to best is myself. I tear myself away from myself, rip 3

out of reality. I’ve learned to externalize the internal through written word. It’s a silent voice. I lose my identity. I don’t want to know who I am. The thoughts I think. The feelings I can’t feel. I don’t want to know who I am or where I came from. I lie to others to perpetuate the story I tell myself. Those lies turn into smaller lies, bigger lies, until all reality is lost. I fear who I am.

I was first hospitalized at Western Psychiatric in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania August 1992 on the Adolescent Affective Disorder Unit. During my three month commitment, I met a patient that enjoyed art more than anyone else on the unit, even me. And, it only took one interaction between us during art therapy to make a lifelong impression.

I watched my fellow patient write and erase and re-write words on a piece of construction paper.

When he was satisfied with what he’d written, he began transforming the paper into a painting. The words: “I have always been here, I have never left I have just been asleep for a long, long time and never realized it.” As he began to paint, he professed to me how his art was an extension of himself, his fear, his emotions, his mind. He told me he believed gaining clarity in treatment was like waking up for the first time. The picture, the black clouds, the huge bright sun, the pine tree, all representing light in the midst of the darkness of depression and continual growth and life that exist despite the darkness.

When I found this painting in a journal in my attic many years later, yellowed with curled edges, I thought about that hospitalization, why I kept the painting all these years. I sat in the attic staring at the painting, read my journals, wrote the first entry of prosthesis.

I knew when I set out to translate my life into words, particularly my experiences with mental illness, the chaos of my diagnosis and the co-morbid features, the outcome would require creativity.

I needed to break myself into pieces, the fractured selves struggling with various aspects of my diagnosis, yet managing to be insightful and supportive of one another. The memoir would need to be experimental, epistolary, even avant-garde. It had to be dialogue in a technological world, stories told to myself, every character representing different aspects of my own personality, many of whom I barely knew but through narrative therapy found I really knew all my life. Like my fellow patient in 1992, by 2014, writing has become an extension of me, my fear, my emotions, my mind. I reach out into the world with keystrokes, write words, and the technological world. What grows and thrives on the screen, both mine and yours becomes my prosthesis. I am prosthesis.

—Ariana D. Den Bleyker, 2014

4

Ordinary people seem not to realize that those who really apply themselves in the right way to philosophy are directly and of their own accord preparing themselves for dying and death. If this is true, and they have actually been looking forward to death all their lives, it would of course be absurd to be troubled when the thing comes for which they have so long been preparing and looking forward.

—SOCRATES, PHAEDO

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hello : )

back after a psychotic episode

Hi <3

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New…but not really…

Started by JustMe42, Sept 08 2010 06:05 AM 1 Reply to This Topic

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JustMe42 Gender: Not Telling Location: Not Sure Interests: Philosophy Country: Nowhere

Posted 8 September 2010 - 06:05 AM

I’ve actually been a member for over a year but really have been on the sidelines.

Made my first post today so thought I would actually reach out and say hello. Not sure I’m ready to fully share my story yet, but from all the trolling I’ve already done, so many of the posts resonate so much.

I’m 32 and battling Bipolar Disorder for the upteenth time, although I’m discovering new ways to lessen the pain. I’m compliant with my meds but getting frustrated with the adjustments. I have been to the hospital for suicide attempts a couple of times and really don’t feel like things are getting better.

8 • Prosthesis

In other areas of my life... well it’s pretty much perfect. I feel like such an anomaly in that regard. I have so much to be grateful for, a beautiful supportive spouse, two extremely beautiful children, a beautiful home and a stress free lifestyle. Yet, I can’t seem to bear the pain and anguish I feel daily. I steal moments every morning where I battle just getting ready for the day. I don’t even know how I’m functioning and feel like I’m going to soon get caught in the facade of my life. I sneak out of the house to cry regularly and spend countless hours in my car alone trying to catch my breath from sobbing so hard. I feel like no one understands me and my story is just so ... wonky... With so many twists and turns! There are times when I feel like I’m faking it or something, and I know there are people out there that would kill to have a life like mine... I am truly confused.

I think many of us could say similar, that our lives are good with the huge exception of us having mental illness. It can get easy to get caught up in the thinking “What do I have to be miserable for?” Bipolar Disorder can take its toll on various things in our lives. It can make us very tired, achy, lost.

SilverLining76 Gender: Female Location: Washington State Interests: Art, music, clothes, nature, vegan food, animals, gay rights..

Country: Nothing Selected

Posted 8 September - 02:11 PM

Hi JustMe42.....so glad you posted and felt able to share some of your story with us.

You will find many here who understand and have experienced similar feelings as you and are compliant.

As you move forward on your journey, know that you’re not alone.

I am sending you some (((hugs))) and wishing you much peace as you move forward.

Glad you found us and hoping things will get better for you.

Prosthesis • 9

ForeverLost Gender: Female Location: Worryland Country: Nothing Selected

Posted 8 September - 3:43 PM

Welcome!

You havent been trolling -- you have been lurking and I so glad and so proud of you that you made this post and told us some of your story.

It wasnt easy huh?

There are a great bunch of people here, some of whom have experiences to share with you that have some similarities with yours. It also sounds like you have a bit of imposter syndrome going on where you think that you are getting by on luck and it is only a matter of time until you get found out to be a fraud. That’s a common thing that can come into things and ramp up your anxiety to stratospheric levels.

I know the trial and error of testing meds to see if they help and then going off those and trying another one is a pain in the butt. It is very hard to do and it would be great if there was one med we could all take and be well. I hope they do find the ones for you. It can make such a difference.

For me it took 19 antidepressants and 9 anti-psychotics -- so we understand how you are feeling there.

Glad you decided to post and it will be good to get to know you a bit on the forums. it’s hard to post for the first time. Now you’ve made that first step, I hope you find much support here.

BlackBear69 Gender: Male Location: Oregon Country: United States

Posted 8 September - 5:22 PM

Hello and welcome. J Just wanted to say that our illnesses can strike anyone at any time, irrespective of social or financial circumstances. Just because you have 10 • Prosthesis

an otherwise perfect and fulfilling life, that doesn`t make you immune from getting depressed - most importantly of all though, you mustn`t feel guilty or ashamed for having it because it`s not something you can help.

I`m sure you`ll find being on here beneficial and you`ll find people who can both empathise and offer a lot in terms of advice and support.

All the best. J

MontanaWildhack Gender: Male Location: Illinois Interests: Reading, Writing / Playing Music, Writing Lyrics, Martial Arts, Bruce Lee, Dexter, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angels, Star Wars, The Dark Tower Series, Jack Reacher Novels, Retro Video Games Country: United States

Posted 8 September - 10:28 PM

I am very sorry to hear that you are struggling so much. BPD can have a huge physical component to it and can wreak havoc with our emotions regardless of our circumstances. Also, our world view that we gain as we grow up can affect how we feel despite our circumstances. I can relate to your struggle with stealing moments to cry, having a hard time getting ready, and feeling like even though others think you are going well at work that you will eventually make a mistake or they will suddenly realize you aren’t doing as well as they think. It is really awful to feel this way.

I am glad you found BH. Everyone here is very supportive and will be able to relate to a lot of what you are experiencing.

Thanks everyone... I do admit thats lonely as it has been, as isolated as my situation feels i have read so many posts where people say things that seem to directly express how I’m feeling.

Prosthesis • 11

I guess not being the “norm” apply doesn’t mean I’m exempt. I just never thought I’d be where i am today. I am 45 years old, a male, with a great family, great career... who’s taken up cutting, had two suicide attempts in the past year, and struggles to perform basic daily tasks... Yet i manage the daily routines of work and child caring. In fact i consider myself a pretty good dad and i am consistently receiving promotions at work. All against the norm... All so confusing and convoluted...

I don’t think i feel guilty about my perfect life (well not completely) it just feels like maybe I’ve lead a life that wasn’t “true”. I have been doing more reflecting than i ever had and finding all the clues in my past that tells me i was so wrong... Its making me question everything! I don’t know what is or was true, whether the things i believed, the morals i had, the relationships I’ve been part of... Whether any of that stuff was just completely a facade.

Not to say I’m stuck in the past but it contributes to the person i am today, and the things i believe today. And i don’t know what that is...

AlwaysHopeful88 Gender: Female Location: US Interests: nature, science, art, video games, sleeping...

Country: United States

Posted 9 September - 12:27 AM

Welcome! I hope you find the right treatment for you soon! As you know, it can be a very grueling process.

The thing about mental illness is it doesn’t really matter if you have a perfect life or not. It doesn’t matter if by societal standards you are better off than others. Mental Illness doesn’t discriminate.

DepressedInDenver Gender: Male Location: Colorado, US Interests: PC games, books (mostly fiction, mostly sci-fi and fantasy), history, board games.

Country: United States 12 • Prosthesis

Posted 9 September - 05:38 AM

First off, JustMe, you’ve taken a GIANT step towards finding your wellness. You WANT it and are willing to work towards gathering up the the tools to use to get it.

A good Pdoc who will work with you to finding the right meds, a Tdoc to help you acquire the coping skills to get through everyday stressors, and a variety of supportive resources such as MEC as well as 3D support groups consisting of others who are walking in a similar pair of shoes are all part of getting to the other side of this.

Also, gaining as much insight as you can about BPD and an understanding that it is a chronic illness that requires medical management over ones lifetime as any other biological illness is imperative too So, JustMe, it IS attainable this wellness that you seek.....at this point intime it looks as if you have yet to find the right med combo...that takes time, took us about two years.

It also comes to realizing that everything can’t be medicated away....that’s where the coping skills and therapy come in to deal with what’s left or otherwise known as the residual symptoms.

I think it’s great you have your spouse’s support and even greater that you realize that it’s not fair or healthy for you to expect him to be your sole source of support.

Your spouse should benefit from the success of what you get from your professional care team and what you gain from the support you get from others going through a similar thing.

You will find the wellness you seek because you want it.....that is key to finding it and it sure is nice knowing that you have many by your side as you make the journey.

Keep posting and know that you’re not as alone in this as you may have originally thought.

Prosthesis • 13

AliveNKickin Gender: Female Location: Narnia Interests: Writing till my fingers cramp, Literature, Art, Gaming, Nature, Fitness & health Country: United States

Posted 9 September - 09:17 AM

I have to say that I am glad you have posted, because your post has helped me and probably others as well.

I have dealt with trying to find the right meds and all that comes with that, while trying to work in a highly stressful career. It gets better if you keep working with your support. They can help you get through this. Just do your best to tell them what you feel the meds are doing and are not doing for you. I had trouble with this at first because it was hard for me to explain this to them.

I too feel and have felt this way in the past they way you do about my life. The word “anomaly” especially.

I personally had to try to hide my problems the best I could to keep my job. I had and hour drive to work and back where I could just cry if I needed to. I felt like I was living a facade as well. I have a life like yours with a lot to be thankful for; and believe me your issues and feelings are valid no matter how many things you may have that others may not have. It can be a challenge holding on to what you have as well when you need to deal with things in private.

I hope you continue to post.

14 • Prosthesis

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Building Hope Community → Support Board → Mood Disorders, Anxiety Disorder and Sleep Disorder

Mood Disorders, Anxiety Disorders and Sleep Disorders The Mood Disorders, Anxiety Disorders and Sleep Disorders forum offers support for members suffering symptoms of Major Depression, Bipolar, Panic Disorder, OCD, Phobias, Generalized Anxiety, and ADHD, as well as Sleep Disorders (including discussion on dreams).

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Building Hope Community → Support Board → Mood Disorders, Anxiety Disorder and Sleep Disorder

Mood Disorders, Anxiety Disorders and Sleep Disorders The Mood Disorders, Anxiety Disorders and Sleep Disorders forum offers support for members suffering symptoms of Major Depression, Bipolar, Panic Disorder, OCD, Phobias, Generalized Anxiety, and ADHD, as well as Sleep Disorders (including discussion on dreams).

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Shape to Mold Started by JustMe, Sept 11 2010 07:05 AM 1 Reply to This Topic

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JustMe42 Gender: Not Telling Location: Not Sure Interests: Philosophy Country: Nowhere

Posted 11 September 2010 - 07:05 AM

When things are illuminated, life is beautiful. Luminosity is, indeed, a wonderful thing. You are anchored in your body and that body is easy to please. You only have to honor the integrity of your senses. The bad smells bad, and the good is to be luxuriated in. You feel your senses acutely and realize you were blessed with them because they make you into a deep participant in life. Others have their senses too and you share yours with them. Social intercourse is your way into nirvana. You are not alone. Life belongs to you. Life can be shaped according to your vision and by the grace of its better possibilities. Life is on your side. Reality is there for you to shape it. Things are illuminated. Then, life comes crashing down.

Prosthesis • 17

Suicide seems like a good thing to think about. Suicide is calming. You empty a bottle of pills in your hand one night and look at them for an hour. You contemplate them like little religious icons. Religious icons, though, belong on a shelf. You put them back in the bottle and line them up with your other bottled icons. They make a shrine you regularly worship. Suicide seems like a real possibility. You begin to think about it constantly. The pain is unbearable. You think: how to do it? One day to ease the pain you take a lot of pills. At 2 am you still can’t sleep. You feed yourself more Xanax tablets. Beginning from the morning you end up having taken twelve tablets by 2:30 a.m. You slip in and out of consciousness and then something shifts.

You enter the dark hour, a period where it feels like you’re slipping over to the other side. You dress yourself and somehow drive to the hospital. You are interred for four days. You wonder which way is home. Life is still on your side.

Bipolar is the most lethal of all mental illnesses. It accounts for more suicides than the other illnesses and can catapult a person into the stratospheres of euphoria and then down into the darkest doldrums of depression and despair. When manic your feel powerful and extremely creative. You hear this as a diagnosis is rattled off to you. It makes sense, you think. And you begin to feel comforted. You are prescribed Geodon and Abilify and you begin to move once again in the world. Depression comes but it does not last for very long. Then you begin to sink, deep, deep. You’re drowning and you can’t breathe and the vortex keeps swirling. When you get out, you spend a few months staggering through life, often pacing the floors like a caged jaguar with too much energy. Life is tired. Life becomes suspended. Life needs a break. They give you Lithium. You are hopeful. You feel relieved; finally something to quiet you. Then it starts. The world becomes flat. You feel flat. You cannot feel. You are numb.

SilverLining76 Gender: Female Location: Washington State Interests: Art, music, clothes, nature, vegan food, animals, gay rights..

Country: Nothing Selected

Posted 11 September - 02:11 PM

recovery’s simply of finding out what works for u, what gives u peace, balance, wisdom. It’s fluid and has the ability to blossom, sometimes unexpectedly. I think it’s daunting to those first starting out for a lot of reasons, cause our BPD makes

18 • Prosthesis

it hard to believe in stuff like change and improvement. also because we’ve been taught that recovery is a one way road. From this side of things, I cant say I agree.

IMO it’s whatever works, whatever motivates you to forgive you, compassion, kindness, and respect. Whatever makes you stop hiding how you really feel…fake smiles… because you think thats what you need to give. Love, ur here to live. You’ll experience pain and failures and bad days but you’ll no laughter. ur sides will hurt, love, and progress. Our disorders and struggles are manipulations, things telln us depression will never end or well never be able to stop hurting ourselves. But they don’t deserve to control ur life, they r temporary.

So…whatever ur going through, whatever problem ur facing, please know I’m here.

I may not know exactly how ur feelin but I have learned some things in my own struggles. The most important thing we all need help sometimes. So I’m here and if i can help, i want to.

Prosthesis • 19

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Building Hope Community → Welcome Members → Welcome Forum

Welcome Forum This is our welcome forum for new members. There is no obligation to post here, but it is a good way of introducing yourself to the community. Many of our members are anxious to get to know new people, so if you’re inclined, say “hello.” You may be surprised to see the number of responses you get.

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kinda new Started by BlackBear69, Nov 11 2010 09:05 AM 1 Reply to This Topic BlackBear69 Gender: Male Location: Oregon

REPLY TO THIS TOPIC Posted 11 November - 9:05 AM

I’m kinda new to the forum hope to make some friends and get some support.

A little bit about me.....

I’m 28 I’ve suffered depression and anxiety for most of my life, but only got help last year and my GP said it was Depression and Anxiety. However I feel it could be A personality disorder I have after doing some research I have a lot of the symptoms.

I’m always feeling low, have constant thoughts of suicide, I self harm, I’ve been having what I think is hallucinations I’ve been waking up during the night thinking there’s spiders all over me and it totally freaks me out. I’m also really paranoid I constantly have this feeling that someone is watching me and going to kill me. The other night I was convinced that someone was breaking in to the flat. I’ve also been 20 • Prosthesis

hearing voices I always said they were just thoughts but now I’m not so sure. There the ones telling me to kill myself that no one wants me here. I have low self esteem to. I was abused as a child. My family disowned me and I have no friends either. I’ve always struggled keeping friends and relationships have alway been hard, I find it hard to trust people for fear that they will either hurt me or leave me.

I was recently sectioned after a counselor was concerned about me and phoned the police. I also have an appointment with a pdoc for a med review.

I’ve took an overdose a few times in the past. the last time was in November last year.

Sorry that’s so long. Hope to talk to you all soon

AlwaysHopeful88 Gender: Female Location: US Interests: nature, science, art, video games, sleeping...

Country: United States

Posted 11 November - 09:27 AM

Hello and welcome Bear, I’m sure you’ll find this place to be a great venue for support. Many people here can relate to your experiences. From your synopsis I agree there could be something beyond depression and anxiety going on...but only a doctor can diagnosis that.

I hope you open up to your care people and give them all the details. It took me a long time to do that, and I could have saved myself a lot of trouble if I did it sooner.

Something that helped me (which people on here recommended) is to write up your experiences and symptoms and hand it to your pdoc. Talking about stuff can be difficult. That way, you won’t leave anything out.

I`m relatively new on these forums but I`ve been made to feel most welcome by everyone and even in my short time on here, I`ve met some great people and like to think I`ve already made one or two friends.

Wow, you have certainly been through a lot and I`m really sorry that you have suffered so much trauma and pain. Opening up on here is a really brave and courageous thing to have done and you can be rest assured that not only will you not be judged, people on here have a lot of empathy and will support you as best as they can.

Prosthesis • 21

It`s good that you are now in touch with a pdoc - having that support in place will I`m sure be a help to you in addition to having an upcoming appointment with a psych to review your meds . A few weeks ago I was so depressed that I was considering the “S” word and I was referred to a tdoc by my GP. I currently see a tdoc weekly too and in addition, I`m attending a weekly peer support group for BPD and I have an initial assessment on Tuesday for private psychotherapy. I`m off work sick at the moment but hope I can return to work in the near future.

I`m so sorry that your family have disowned you and you feel that you have no friends. I`m fortunate that I have one or two immediate close family members who have stood by me but I don`t have any friends really either. I fell out with my best friend a few weeks ago thanks to my destructive and irrational behavior which pushed her away. Haha, I`ve talked about it a bit on here so I`m probably boring everyone with it by now but it has upset me quite a bit because I really cared about her. I`ve never been diagnosed but I wonder if I may have a personality disorder too because I`m very insecure, paranoid, jealous, have little trust when I`m in a close friendship or relationship and tend to push people away with my destructive and irrational behavior.

Hope you find your time on here as enjoyable and helpful as I have to date. If you ever want to chat or speak to me personally or ask me about any of my experiences, feel free to PM me at any time. J

BlackBear69 Gender: Male Location: Oregon

Posted 12 November - 11:22 AM

Thanks for your reply J I hope when I see the pdoc that I will get a proper diagnosis as it was only my gp that diagnosed me and I’ve gotten a lot worse since then. Yes that sounds like a good idea writing everything down specially as my memory ain’t that good haha! I will try and open up to them but I do struggle with it. I’m so used to keeping everything to myself that I feel stupid saying how I feel out loud. And due to trust issues and thinking everyone is out to hurt me I get scared incase they use what I tell them against me to hurt me. Sound weird I know my head is a mess. Lol

22 • Prosthesis

I’m currently on Venlafaxine 300mg a day and I’ve just started Quetiapine 100mg a day about four weeks ago.

SilverLining76 Gender: Female Location: Washington State Interests: Art, music, clothes, nature, vegan food, animals, gay rights..

Country: Nothing Selected

Posted 13 November - 02:11 PM

Sorry to hear how much difficulty you are going through with your MI at this time. I know it is tempting but try not to do research on symptoms and stuff because it can be very inaccurate. Tell the pdoc about every symptoms you have and they should be able to make a proper diagnosis whether it is a personality disorder or not, it is always best to leave it up to the pros, plus it causes less anxiety wondering what we have and trying to figure it out on our own L We are here to support and give advice to everyone here, I hope you find yourself comfortable and are able to get the information and support you need. Me, I welcome but never introduce. See ya around the forums!

Prosthesis • 23

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Building Hope Community → Support Board → Mood Disorders, Anxiety Disorder and Sleep Disorder

Mood Disorders, Anxiety Disorders and Sleep Disorders The Mood Disorders, Anxiety Disorders and Sleep Disorders forum offers support for members suffering symptoms of Major Depression, Bipolar, Panic Disorder, OCD, Phobias, Generalized Anxiety, and ADHD, as well as Sleep Disorders (including discussion on dreams).

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Systematic Started by JustMe, Dec 26 2010 10:04 AM 1 Reply to This Topic

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JustMe42 Gender: Not Telling Location: Not Sure Interests: Philosophy Country: Nowhere

Posted 13 December 2010 - 10:04 AM

Yesterday, in my suffering, in my reckless longing to rid myself of the pain, I dropped to my knees in prayer, held my hands to the sky and cried out, hoping for some connection, some soothing, to be anointed by God, to be made whole. But religion never worked for me. I heard nothing but the echo of my own prayers bouncing around inside my head. It made me feel even more alone. And the more I thought about it all, the crazy stories and the strange spiritual mathematics—where original sin is canceled out by a sequence of words, where one professes belief that a man named Jesus was crucified and by this omission, one receives salvation—the less sense it made. I tried religion, I really did. But it didn’t work.

24 • Prosthesis

Then, I tried cigarettes. And it worked. It worked wonders. I became a devotee of the smoke, following it, exhaling it into my life whereby suffering and the senselessness of life, the utter meaninglessness of existence was obfuscated.

There is uncertainly, suffering and injustice in the world. When I smoked, I knew that no matter what problems reality presented me, everything would be fine once I smoked. In the same way, the Christians believe that once they die, there will be no pain. In this sense, they are strung out on the afterlife.

I suppose I have come to realize, in the year since I’ve been stable, discomfort and uncertainly are what motivates a person to change, to confront issues, to actively work to make the world a better place. I’ve come to realize that viewing death as the end of life, to perceive this existence as finite, motivates one to action. In fact, I suppose it’s my fear of death that has lead me to write this post. Well, I’m not really afraid of death. My fear of death doesn’t lie in death itself but the moments that come just before.

My greatest fear is being on my death bed and being filled with regret, looking back on my life, surveying my actions and realizing I was complacent and that the world is no better for my having been in it. I want to live fully and deliberately, to feel every anxiety, to know the horror and injustice that exist, and to take it on, to try and make a difference. I want to strive for self actualization, to make myself as good as I can possibly be, so that when I am upon my death bed, I can fade into the great beyond knowing I lived well.

BlackBear69 Gender: Male Location: Oregon Country: United States

Posted 27 December - 11:22 AM

When Im symptomatic my thinking switches B&W. All or nothing. I tend to think that Im either going to fully recover or not. This belief can be so strong it knock me off my feet. Ain’t real.

In my experiences, recoveys a process. It may not have a clear beginning or end. It may start before you notice and you may never be entirely sure that you’ve reached the end. Recovery’s an experience that unfolds gradually. I think recovering from Bipolar Disorder is different from recovering from an illness like the flu. There’s no

Prosthesis • 25

blood test or fever level that can mark a definite point in time when the patient is declared to have recovered. Sure, a pdoc may argue you’re no longer “clinically symptomatic,” but we don’t go to bed with bipolar disorder one night and wake up without. Or at least I don’t.

I can say im recovering. its much more daunting to declare i’ve recovered.

One of my tdocs was the one who taught me about this. He told me to focus on the process instead of outcome. I spent a lot of time despairing when I wondered whether I would ever recover. “I will never recover, so what’s the point? I can’t do this any more,” is what I used to think. It took a seven-week stay in a psychiatric hospital that offered intensive therapy for me to start directing my attention towards what I could do right now, in that moment, in order to continually remain recovering.

I’ve written PROCESS and put it up above my desk. it’s easy to forget. When I’m having a bad day, I sometimes think that I’ve failed. That this is it. Recovery over.

I used to think that being recovered means being on top of the world. The views spectacular. But you can fall off in an instance and end up broken.

I don’t think its like that any more. Recovery is more like a steady climb. I can’t see the end, but that’s not important. Why focus on imagining the view when I finally get there? These days I try to focus on every step and on what the view is like right now.

Some days I walk faster than others. Some days I need to rest. Some days I might stumble backwards. So what… doesn’t mean ive fallen. im still on the same road of recovery. I know this because even though every setback hurts, I no longer think all is lost. I remember I am still on that road, and I can take steps forward again.

Knowing this is my recovery.

26 • Prosthesis

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Building Hope Community → Support Board → Mood Disorders, Anxiety Disorder and Sleep Disorder

Mood Disorders, Anxiety Disorders and Sleep Disorders The Mood Disorders, Anxiety Disorders and Sleep Disorders forum offers support for members suffering symptoms of Major Depression, Bipolar, Panic Disorder, OCD, Phobias, Generalized Anxiety, and ADHD, as well as Sleep Disorders (including discussion on dreams).

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Esperanza Rising Started by JustMe, Feb 2 2011 01:45 AM 1 Reply to This Topic

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JustMe42 Gender: Not Telling Location: Not Sure Interests: Philosophy Country: Nowhere

Posted 2 February 2011 - 01:45 AM

It’s reassuring for us, those that feel things deeply, to know we are understood.

It’s validating and comforting to know we aren’t alone. To realize the things we are feeling have been felt by others. Pain, though universally experienced, can be very isolating. We’ve all had a night, when sleeplessly thrashing around and an emptiness so complete and crushing came over us, that we were sure we were the last person on earth. But despite how alone we may feel when we hurt, we can be bound together by these common experiences. Though we may navigate them individually, we ultimately sail the same sea. We are each a lone boat in the night.

Rocking on black, jagged waters. In times of distress, we must reach out to each other. As the captains of boats caught in a turbulent storm might. Call out into the darkness. Sleeplessly, we signal to one another, speaking through our lanterns.

Prosthesis • 27

Spelling out our concerns in bursts of light. After crying out, we wait, standing on the deck, wind-whipped and battered by rain.

Straining to see the pulsing of lanterns. Hoping for a response. The boat creaks beneath our feet, shuddering and straining with the undulating waves. Then we see it. A signal. A distant ship’s song, piercing through the night like a fluttering strobe hovering above the horizon. There is such excitement when we make contact. A rush of relief. Suddenly we feel more alive. We forget the rain drenched clothes plastered to our bodies, chapping our skin. We forget the daggers of rain pelting our raw faces. They blink to us. We blink back. This human connection in the midst of a storm is more warming than any fire. We saw them. They saw us. Someone knows I am here. And they understand how I feel. They too must be cold and scared. And as navigators of the night, as sailors of the same storm, we share a common language.

Pain is universal. And we can be united because of the hurt, not in spite of it.

Though these other ships may be far away, their hulls veiled by dark and distance, we share an intimate connection. We speak a language of our own. A language of lanterns. Flashes at sea. Fireflies weathering the rocky waves. Our lanterns unite us, all of us, all the ships at sea; as we flash back and forth, the sea is striped by a lattice work of light beams. Here, we are able to find others like ourselves, rolling on the waves, and connect in this way, flashing our Morse code. Our respective stories are our lanterns, and as we navigate life, we can blink our messages, reaching out to one another at the speed of light.

AlwaysHopeful88 Gender: Female Location: US Interests: nature, science, art, video games, sleeping...

Country: United States

Posted 3 February - 09:27 AM

u don’t know me. Chances r, we’ll never meet. I’m just an anonymous person, writing a post through a computer screen. I’ll never know ur likes…dislikes…what u do for a living… which sports teams u support or anything like that. I do KNOW BPD. I know how lonely u feel right now… how scared u are, how confusing everything seems, how lost u feel. Ur confused I know that not a lot makes sense right now…ur angry, both at the illness and u. I’ve had all the same thoughts. i can’t…won’t try to tell u how to get better. Everyone’s illness is different, it affects them differently. I’m not going to tell u to swallow pills. I’m not going to sugar-coat 28 • Prosthesis

it. It will be hard, DAMN hard. Sometimes you will feel like you just want to give up...u won’t get out of bed. Maybe you’ll feel like it is all too much, and that u can’t cope with the illness. I get days like that, even now.

If u had the flu, you’d go to the doctors. Please remember BPD is just another illness, a scary one. That may seem obvious, but to many people it isn’t. It isn’t a mood, u just aren’t going to “snap out of it”. It could take a long time to get better.

You’ll have bad days. U may start to get better and then fall behind. You can win the good battle. I no u can.

If there’s one thing u need to know, it’s this: you are NOT alone. NEVER. I know u feel alone, but that’s the illness making you feel that. The truth is, there are millions of us, all suffering through the same illness. It’s just, the nature of the illness makes us scared to talk about it. I understand why you feel you can’t. I know you are scared of being judged. I know you are scared of people treating you differently.

That’s understandable.

However, the internet is a wonderful thing. You can contact so many people who know exactly what you are going through. My email is ********@gmail.com. You can contact me at any time. I’m not going to judge you. However bad you feel your thoughts are, I won’t judge you. Because I know all too well how devastating it can be.

I’m just one person, but there are so many more who will talk to you. But you have to let them know what you are going through. You can’t try and deal with it alone, because it can sometimes be just too hard. uv to get help. Whether that’s from a doctor, from a therapist, or from talking to someone like me through email, that’s up to you. But don’t try and fight it alone.

Please, don’t be scared to get support from people. Don’t let the illness make you feel ashamed, or embarrassed. uv nothing to be ashamed of. ur not a freak, or a drama queen, or a weirdo. UR. just unwell.

You CAN get through this. UR not alone. So many people are desperate to help you.

Let them.

I believe U can get through this. I believe in U.

Prosthesis • 29

prosthesis

an Experimental Memoir by

Ariana D. Den Bleyker

Ariana D. Den Bleyker is a Pittsburgh native currently residing in Upstate New York, a wife and mother of two. When she’s not writing, she’s spending time with her family and every once in a while sleeps. She is the author of several poetry chapbooks and collections and the novelette Finger : Knuckle : Palm (LucidPlay Publishing, 2014). Ariana is the founder of ELJ Publications, a small press featuring a number of serials, series and contests, including Emerge Literary Journal and scissors & spackle. Ariana believes in words, what they have to say to the world, to the reader, to you. She hopes her words touch you and thanks you for your interest in prosthesis.

Bipolar Disorder is a homegrown tornado, a swarm of insects buzzing in your ear, a picture of an eye that winks back at you. Discover it in a way you’ve never have before.

Discover prosthesis. Discover in prosthesis mental illness, the human mind, human hope and fear, love and hate, dream and defeat. It is a place of struggle, planning and realization, willing and creating. Walk a journey unlike any other, meeting fellow travelers, obstacles and unexpected turns, a labyrinth of recovery that seems to suspend time and invite you to embody the experience of mental illness in completely new way.

Throughout prosthesis, the wisdom within this small community is remarkable and generously given. Den Bleyker has a beautiful way with words and the book is made strong through the use of metaphor….This is a book that people with bipolar disorder, and those who love them, can both learn from and take solace in. No one, not even a person in a place of darkest suffering, is utterly alone.

—Leslie McGrath, author of By The Windpipe and Out From the Pleiadas

This is only a sample. To order the complete 132-page book or for further information please visit our website at: www.lummoxpress.com/lc/