April 2020

divided by time

generations reflect on the defining qualities which seperate their age groups p.12

1000 Idaho Ave. Portage, MI 49024

volume 50 issue 5

www.portagenorthernlight.com

Contents We’re all pieces of the same puzzle An exploration of how the generations are truly more similar than they are different.

08

The qualities we look for in a teacher

Spring sports by the numbers

100% that witch Senior Nina Lockwood journeys through her own experience with Wicca and witchcraft, from self exploration, the response and finding support in her religion

Categorizing the spring sports at Portage Northern by a number which represents the sport and the team.

18

Magic Madness In a competition between all magical characters, who’s going to take home the trophy: Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny?

Staff Editorial

04-07 08

Opinion

09-11

Feature

12-15

Sports

16-19

Satire Entertainment -11, -10 Satire Feature

-09, -08

Satire Sports

-07, -06

Satire Opinion

-05, -04

Satire News

-03, -02

Scan to follow!

02 Contents

-04

-09

14 News

What does the ideal teacher look like for an everyday high schooler?

What would they do if it were up to us?

Policies at the NL The Northern Light in print and online is the student-produced newspaper for Portage Northern HS. It is an open, designated public forum for student expression, and the newspaper provides staff members with independent reporting opportunities and individual evaluation. Writing is based on a wide variety of research for a broad and diverse audience and topics of coverage are decided by the staff and editorial board with consideration to what is timely, relevant, compelling, educational, and important to the student body.

In accordance with best practice for student media, the Northern Light is not prior reviewed by administration. Building and district administration do, however, reserve the right to oversee the paper if necessary to ensure that the mission and vision of Portage Public Schools and the safety of students and staff are maintained.

As a MIPA, JEA, and NSPA publication, the Northern Light adheres to Design by Gabe Flota

the highest standards of journalistic integrity. Photos, art, and other visual elements are created by Northern Light staff, formally designated for free use, or part of the public domain.

In rare circumstances, we may use other media with the owner’s written permission.

It is our desire that our readers join the discussion on our published work. We welcome letters to the editor and guest contributions, and the Northern Light will publish online all pieces received provided that they include the author’s full name and are appropriate for publication in a school setting. Letters to the editor are limited to 150 words in length and guest contributions are limited to 350 words in length. Pieces can be delivered to Amanda Thorpe’s room, 3.129, emailed to pnhsNorthernLight@ gmail.com, or mailed ATTN: Portage Northern Light to Portage Northern High School, 1000 Idaho Avenue, Portage, MI 49024.

Portage Northern Light

NL Staff Snigda Narisetty Malcolm Gaynor Editors in Chief

Gabe Flota Creative Editor

Kylie Clifton Feature Editor

Astrid Code News Editor

Arushi Mithal Opinion Editor

Cerena Read

Entertainment Editor

Liam Fagan Sports Editor

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Brianna Neuhouser Digital Media Manager

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Associate Digital Media Manager

Abby VanderBerg Business Manager

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Rawan Alsaedi Cynthia Brown Maya Daniels Syed Daniyal Ciara Dragicevich Komalpreet Kaur Katie Knight Kaylin Kyle Lilly Lisznyai Lucy Madelung Carrie Jacobson Melissah Morris-Adkins Kylie Pennington Lindsey Peterson Gavin Stevens Staff Writers

April 2020

Dear readers...

Our staff is beyond excited to bring you our fifth edition of the Northern Light, albeit under different circumstances than expected. We initially sought to print this edition prior to the growing reign and tragedy of COVID-19. Although we’re publishing this edition alternatively, in a time and circumstance far different than we ever anticipated, we’re thrilled to bring you our work in these moments where history is unfortunately being made before our eyes.

We divided this edition in half, the first half following usual coverage patterns of the NL Light, but the other upside down half is the explosive takeover of our Northern Dark section. All completely satirical and never to be taken seriously, unless you live your life on the wild side.

Our main feature, “Divided by time”, explores stereotypes and the generational structure. Our Staff Editorial Design by Snigda Narisetty

also explores the same thing, with the lens of what makes each generation similar and different.

I really hope you enjoy this extra special edition. It’s something new in a state of the world where everything is different. Be sure to check out our website, ortagenorthernlight.com, where you can comment on the work we’ve been publishing on COVID-19, the students, and more.

This mega edition has been so much fun, so thank you so much for reading it and be sure to stay safe, at home while you’re waiting for our next edition!

Sincerely, Kylie Clifton Feature Editor

About 03

Huskie Headlines Therapy dog to be implemented for students’ mental health

By Astrid Code

Anxiety and depression are a major problem for many high school students. Soon, Portage Northern hopes to employ a Social-Emotional Learning (SEL) dog to help. “The dog will be at PNHS every day school is in session,” explains social studies teacher Ryan Ledlow, who got the SEL dog program approved and is pushing for fundraising efforts. “The dog will typically be “working” 4-5 hours with

rest periods and breaks as necessary.

Teachers will use Google forms to schedule the dog in their classroom, and the dog will be located in the counseling office and DLR at other times.”

Charlotte’s Litter and PAWS for People describe SEL dogs’ abilities to lower people’s blood pressure, reduce stress levels, increase levels of dopamine and serotonin, decrease anxiety, and ease social isolation. However, before the

SEL dog starts working at Northern, donations are needed to purchase and certify the trained dog. Currently, the program has raised about $1,500 out of their goal of $8,000. The program is expected to start at the beginning of the 2020-21 school year. To donate, go to the main office or https://portage. revtrak.net/high-schools/portagenorthern-high-school/#/v/sel-dogdonation.

PN Unified team participates in Polar Plunge, together

By Astrid Code

On February 22, the Portage Northern Unified team participated in the Polar Plunge at Bells Brewery to raise money for Special Olympics Michigan (SOMI). Student leader of the Youth Advisory Committee, junior Max Zigterman, explains. “Here at PN, we have recently become a Unified Champion School. That means we have both a Youth Advisory Committee and a sports team. With those, the goal is to bring together students with, and without intellectual disabilities through both sports and leadership, to provide the skills to promote inclusion and acceptance.” Zigterman participated in the Polar Plunge for seven years before other students from Por04 News

tage Northern joined. “By myself felt different [than] with teammates,” says Zigterman. “It was good to be able to tell them how the Polar Plunge feels, and how many people like doing it for this kind of organization that supports everyone no matter what disability they have.” Overall, the event raised $59,600, surpassing their $45,000 goal. Half of the approximately $1200 raised by Portage Northern comes back to the PN Unified Team. Next up, Portage Northern was organizing a Unified basketball team for Special Olympics Michigan, however, this has been unfortunately cancelled due to COVID-19.

Design by Astrid Code

Others watch as Junior Max Zigterman takes the Polar Plunge. “What i like most about Special Olympics is everyone is included no one feels left out in any certain way.” Photo

by Megan Hall.

Portage Northern Light

Student Senate hosts winter blood drive

By Natalie Grinder

On March 12th, Student Senate hosted the annual winter blood drive.

Student Senate set a goal of filling all of the 96 signup slots, and in just 2 days 34 of them were filled. There were 89 signups with 76 of them being able to donate. They had a goal of donating 54 pints and at the end of the day they got 68.5 pints, exceeding their goal.

There are two blood drives every year.

The winter blood drive is the most important of the two. “Blood donations

around Michigan tend to be down overall during the winter months, and this year in particular Michigan hospitals say that they have about half the supply they usually have” said Joey Wood the Student Senate Advisor.

There are requirements to sign up to donate blood. Participants in the blood drive must be 16 or over, and come to school well rested and fed, and ready to save some lives. For students who are 16, a parent has to sign

In the chair, poked, and ready to save lives, sophomore Ana Rivera is a first time donor, sharing that she was happy to help. “I knew I wanted to donate blood because it saves lives and I just turned 16 so I could finally donate,” said Rivera. Photo by Kylie Clifton.

a consent form, and for those older than 16 can sign up without consent from a parent. One person could save three lives with just one donation.

Then, at the scheduled appointment, a phlebotomist checks the donor’s blood first to see if they are eligible to donate.

The purpose of the blood drive is quite similar to everyone because they all want to help those who need the donations. Jaime Sackett, a member of Student Senate had a very positive outlook on the Blood Drive. “I would say the main purpose of the blood drive is to save lives by giving students the opportunity to donate blood and make a difference,” said Sackett. Many students were excited to donate blood including senior Andre Walker. “I decided to give blood because I wanted to help save lives. Giving blood is a perfect way to help people in need.

I wanted to donate because I knew I’d be able to positively impact three lives” said Walker. Wood has a similar outtake, just thinking a little bigger. “In essence, we do the blood drive so that we can give back to the community that has given so much to us,” said Wood.

Scan Me! to read additional articles online and keep up with the news

Brandon Frick 9, Carter Belson 10, Max Zigterman 11, Kelly Hinga, Ian Luczak 10, and Xavier Luczak 9. “I wanted to jump in the freezing cold water and itʼs for a good cause,” said Xavier Luczak. Photo by Megan Hall.

April 2020

Design by Astrid Code

portagenorthernlight.com

News 05

With Jason Reynolds unable to visit this year for Communiteen Read, PN celebrates Long Way Down in other ways

By Astrid Code During the month of March, many students read Long Way Down by Jason Reynolds and participated in events leading to Reynold’s visit for the 5th annual Communiteen Read.

Unfortunately, due to COVID-19, the event has been cancelled with plans for Jason Reynolds to return next year.

“We were so disappointed when the Jason Reynolds visit was cancelled,” said librarian Lisa Miller. “At this point, we don’t know when that date will be, but we’re working very hard to reschedule his visit to Portage. His most recent book, Stamped: Racism, Antiracism, and You, was published on March 10. It would be an excellent book for PN students to read in hopes that he will be able to visit us next year.”

Bookbug/This is a Bookstore, Portage Northern student’s artwork was displayed at the Communiteen Read

of Congress Ambassador to Young Adult Literature,” said Miller. “We felt that the themes in the book (revenge, grief, justice, forgiveness, and teenage gun violence) were important for students to discuss.” Students enjoyed getting the chance to read Long Way Down. “I liked it. It was realistic and relatable,” said senior Isaiah James.

Rules, Sarah Strawhun. Photo by Sarah Nott.

“I made this piece using a grid design. The boy is drawn using graphite and then the background is acrylic paint and silver paint maker for the writing After reading the book I got that a major theme was decision making. I decided to focus on the rules of the book, which is why they are portrayed in the background.” said senior Sarah Strawhun.

Big Sister, Genna Badoux. Photo by Sarah Nott.

The Communiteen Read Author Night would have taken place on March 18 at Portage Central. However, the Portage District Library and Bookbug/This is a Bookstore hosted events related to Long Way Down prior to the scheduled author visit. At the Portage District Library, a 4th-6th grade Reading Reynolds book club met on February 12, Reading and Writing Kalamazoo (RAWK) taught a teen poetry workshop on March 3, and there was a viewing of the documentary Finding Peace During War on March 5. Finally, on March 6 at 06 News

Art Hop. “I decided to [draw] a teenage boy because that’s about how old I figured the main character was and I wanted to portray him during his time leading up to making the big decision whether or not to get revenge,” explains senior Sarah Strawhun.

Despite the event’s cancellation, the Communiteen Read still provided the experience of reading Long Way Down to many students and provided opportunities for discussions about important topics. The book was chosen very carefully for this purpose.

“The novel is an award-winning book (received both a Newbery Honor and a Printz Honor) and Jason Reynolds was recently named the Library Design by Gabe Flota

Dubiety, Amelia Case. Photo by Sarah Nott.

Overall, even without an author visit, the Portage community was able to celebrate and discuss Long Way Down. “This is a community reading together program designed to create a shared reading experience for teens, teachers, families, and community members,” said Miller. “We hope Communiteen Read encourages thoughtful discussions by reading a single book together.” Check www. communiteenreadportage.com for updates on plans for Jason Reynolds to visit next year.

Portage Northern Light

Michigan grapples with the COVID-19 pandemic

By Gavin Stevens and Liam Fagan Currently, Michigan remains among the top five states with the highest number of coronavirus cases in the country, with over 5,000 known cases and over 130 deaths. As these numbers continue to climb, Michiganders remain under a stay-at-home order which Governor Whitmer issued on Monday, March 23 and which has been extended to April 13.

Under this order, “individuals may only leave their homes and residences under very limited circumstances and must adhere to social distancing rules” as reported by WXYZ Detroit news. In an interview on March 27, Whitmer stated it was “very unlikely” students would return to classrooms this school year.

This raises many questions. How will Michigan students continue to receive the education they need? Will seniors be able to earn the remaining credits needed to graduate? Are events like prom, graduation ceremonies, senior awards, and Gradbash canceled?

Many of these questions remain unanswered; however, on March 20, mLive reported that Gretchen Whitmer will ensure seniors graduate despite school closures.

On January 30th, the International Health Regulations Emergency Committee of the World Health Organization identified the outbreak of the virus as a “public health emergency of international concern.” According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the coronavirus is such a difficult disease to contain and eliminate because of its several different variants and the myriad of spe-

New York New Jersey Michigan California April 2020

State

cies it can infect. When the virus first spread, several patients at the epicenter of the outbreak in Wuhan, Hubei Province, China had some link to a large seafood and live animal market, suggesting animal-to-person spread.

However, as a growing number of patients began to contract the disease without being exposed to animal markets, it became evident that the primary method of transmission was from personto-person.

While symptoms vary, those infected by the coronavirus typically experience a dry cough followed by a fever and shortness of breath.

As the disease progresses, breathing becomes more difficult as mucus hardens within the respiratory tract leading to increased chest pain or pressure, and sometimes cardiac arrest. In more severe cases, the virus can cause pneumonia, acute respiratory syndrome, and death. If a person is exposed and infected, symptoms can show up in as

few as two days or as many as 14. As of March 30, more than 732,000 infections are confirmed in at least 177 countries, including at least 34,000 deaths worldwide. Currently, the countries with the most cases include the United States, Italy, Spain, China, and Germany, all with over 50,000 cases and at least 500 deaths each.

As the community continues to grapple with these ever growing numbers, Mark Beilang, superintendent of Portage Public Schools, assures PPS families that “as the issue of the Coronavirus/COVID-19 continues to impact school districts, employers, and other organizations nationwide, Portage Public Schools is expanding its communication efforts to keep everyone as informed as possible.”

The most effective ways to prevent contracting the disease are by washing your hands often with soap and water, covering your mouth and nose with your elbow or tissue when you cough or sneeze, avoiding touching your eyes, nose and mouth, avoiding close contact with anyone who is sick; and most importantly, staying home and practicing safe social distancing guidelines.

As students and families of Portage Public Schools await more answers, teachers continue sending weekly emails with supplemental learning resources and other activities to foster learning during this unprecedented school closure.

States by number of confirmed COVID-19 cases (as of 3/31/20) Total # of cases # of new cases reported on 3/31 75,795 +9,298 18,696 +2,060 7,615 +1,117 7,477 +1,169 Design by Gabe Flota

News 07

We are all pieces of the same puzzle:

How the generations are more similar than they are different

By the staff

“Okay Boomer.” This phrase has been everywhere on social media in the last few months. It is a way of the ‘younger’ generations, like Millenials and Gen Z, dismissing the ideas and opinions of the older, Baby Boomer generation. There has always been a notion that the Baby Boomers are so different from the way that the Millenials and Gen Z grew up. The latter are considered the children of technology, and the Boomers had more of a traditional way of growing u p , with less technology and worldly connectivity. But how different are we really?

There are so many

08 Staff Editorial

aspects that make us all more similar than different. We all feel the same emotions and have similar experiences, which define the milestones in many people’s lives. Whether it be graduating high school or starting a family, there is an inherent desire to be successful and make a good life for ourselves, because it is human nature.

Every generation goes through struggles, and each one is seen as radical and different by their elders. The desire to rebel and do what one wants to do, fight the status quo, and strive to change the world to make it a better place for ourselves and everyone else can be seen in every single generation.

Even though the intention is the same, each one has different views on how to do that, and that is what causes the rift between the generations.

The world is always changing.

Between the development of technology since past years and the changes in social norms, each generation grew up with different cultures. In recent years, the internet and

Design by Rawan Alsaedi

smartphones have shaped much of youth culture. They both are an influential factor in people’s personality and opinions. While the internet is a crucial part of everyday life today, the people who grew up without any of these ‘royalties’ feel that they have made kids lazy these days. While technology does allow people from different parts of the world to be more connected, and leads to a more openminded society, it has also become the ‘easy way out’ for many people. Instead of actually learning and bettering themselves, they resort to Google searches, and this contributes to the young people’s reputation of the lazy generation. Looking at the situation from another perspective however, is that if you go into any restaurant, you can see adults just as glued to their phones as teens, if not more Even if the methods of acquiring information have changed, or perhaps become easier, the commonality between all the generations is the quest for knowledge and always wanting to know more.

Portage Northern Light

Color is not consent

How how St. Patrick’s day can start an important discussion about touching people without permission

By Brianna Neuhouser

A two sentence horror story: “You’re not wearing green!” A pinching hand reaches towards you, tapping their pointer and thumb together.

Every St. Patrick’s Day, thousands of people across the country scramble to find any sad excuse for green to avoid unwanted touching from their peers. Some even resort to using green makeup or some teal socks. There’s even people who use their green eyes as a representation of their holiday spirit.

While a simple pinch may not seem to be a big deal to some people, touching people without their permission at all is. The #MeToo movement, as well as the sharp increase of sexual harassment accusations, highlights the problem the country has with consent.

People believe that being bold and getting what you want is “cool,” and in some instances, it is. Being bold in a job interview or a presentation can re-

April 2020

ally help your cause and case. No one is ever going to claim that being fearless in a decision isn’t a good thing but in some cases, there needs to be more thought involved.

If the boldness and fearlessness comes in the form of assuming another person wants you to touch them, a problem starts to arise. Touching others or entering into their personal space without asking for their consent is problematic because it’s become somewhat of a social norm, so much so that it can feel awkward asking someone. Regardless of how weird it feels, asking is the right thing to do. In any situation, a single moment to ask for permission makes the time with the other person that much more enjoyable because you know they’re enjoying it.

Everyone has rights. One of these rights is bodily aut on omy, the right

Design by Rawan Alsaedi

to make a decision about their body and what is best for their body. Touching someone without their permission strips them of their bodily autonomy and starts chipping away at their rights over their own body. It can make people feel uncomfortable and unsafe. Just because a pinch isn’t a big deal to some people, that doesn’t mean that the person doing the pinch gets to make the decision for their victim.

When you’re taught as a child to not touch things that don’t belong to you, that doesn’t just apply to other people’s toys.

It applies to other people’s bodies, too.

Opinion

STAYING HOME FOR SPRING BREAK

By Lilly Lisznyai

Spring break is a breath of fresh air for all students. While some visit tropical beaches, others are having a staycation in their own home. Although the idea of a refreshing break warms the heart, is spring break the best time to go there? Most people have the fear of missing out when it comes to Spring break. Although a staycation might not come with an ocean view, there are many other benefits to staying home.

There is no doubt that spring break is supposed to be a time to rejuvenate and take a break from school. However, is planning a trip relaxing? If you think about it, planning a trip can take from 6 months to a year, not to mention all the money it costs to go on a trip. On average, a vacation to a southern state, like Florida or California, can cost $3,000 to $5,000. All that money and time spent, all just for one week in the sun. You could save the money you would’ve used on vacation for something with a higher priority in the future.

I think most people can agree that large crowds get annoying really fast. No one likes their toes getting stepped on, drinks getting spilled on them, and obviously, the obnoxious screams of everyone else in the crowd. It’s almost like a concert,

10 Opinion

filled with sweaty people yelling in your ear. Sounds fun during the time we’re supposed to be relaxing, right?

During spring break these crowds are everywhere, especially at night in the big cities. When you are at home, there are no large crowds to push you over.

Although it sounds like a buzzkill, you could spend time organizing and cleaning during spring break. It’s been proven that having a clean environment can make one feel better about themselves and be more productive.

With the SAT’s coming up, you could also use spring break to study

and prepare yourself. Unlike vacationing, both these activities are free.

There are many other fun things to do during spring break. Hanging out with friends could be refreshing.

It’s always nice to be able to catch up with your friends and do something fun with them. You could also do something as simple as making plans for a solo or group spa appointment or dinner at a fancy restaurant. You could even cook your own full course meal or learn some new recipes. Some h o tels or shops Z Z ...

Z even have stayZ ZZ cation specials.

Almost every hotel also has a pool or hot tub to add to the experience. Making a DIY project or getting crafty is a way to bring out your creative side. A nice day out could be relaxing, fun, and cheap while still feeling like a real vacation.

Spring Break is meant to be a time to relax no matter where you are. It doesn’t have to be a crazy expensive experience in order for it to be fun or relaxing.

Staying home for spring break can always be fun even if you’re not in the sun. So next time you are home for the break, take advantage of it and enjoy yourself.

ZZZ

Design by Gabe Flota

Z

Portage Northern Light

S

S

VACATI N FOR SPRING BREAK

By Arushi Mithal

The clock finally strikes 2:40 and the sharp sound of the final bell pierces through our ears. Students run with a new bustling excitement out the doors of high school into the airy and temperate spring climate. It is finally spring break, one of the few times during the school year where students get an entire week to themselves. It is the perfect time to go on vacation and explore the things you don’t normally get to see in your mundane, repetitive, crammed, daily schedule.

According to Psychology Today, after working for hours on end in order to meet certain academic expectations, “spring break offers a well needed mental stress break.”

Staying at home for the entire break is always the easiest option because it allows us to be inactive and comfortable in the luxuries of our own home. However, going on vac at i on offers exploration of new experiences, bonding with family or friends, and overall excitement that the average day in your own house cannot produce.

It doesn’t matter whether your vacation destination is across the world April 2020

or merely two hours away. You are still likely to learn and be exposed to something different. For example, going camping with your friends gives you time with the outside world and familiarizes you with skills such as fishing or boating. Even if camping is not exactly your thing, a well-planned vacation that includes visits to historical sites or national monuments is always a great opportunity to learn something interesting and broaden your perspective on history.

Second of all, spring break is a great time to develop relationships with family or friends because of all the new memories you can create together. It is still possible to

b ond with people that are important to you while staying at home for spring break, but the time it takes to Design by Gabe Flota

get to a vacation destination forces you to spend an extended period of time with your family or friends. This forces you to have longer conversations and understand each other better.

Staying in a town as small as Portage can give people a very cozy and comfor table feeling, but it is important to leave your daily surroundings and explore either new cultures or a new type of atmosphere every once in a while.

Whether this entails playing with dolphins down in Florida or exploring a traditional s t re e t or market, a vacation is always bound to give people joyous experiences.

The clock blinks a t 2:00 on a Sunday, it is the last day of spring break. Will you look back on your break in regret, or in pride for the way your experience changed your life in a small, memorable way?

Opinion 11

divided by time: generations reflect on the defining qualities between age groups

By Kylie Clifton, Arushi Mithal, and Lucy Madelung

Laughter pours in at the dinner table at a family reunion. Surrounded by familiar faces, a breathtaking aroma of food drizzles in. In the midst of all this warmth, iPhones buzz and chime from people’s pockets. Some people choose to ignore it, others cannot resist the tempt at i on of checking the notification.

A wave of disapproval washes over.

Over the years, the “ph -one gen -er -ati -on that has it easy” has grown in numerical

size and there is now an undeniable rift between generations.

Generations Defined The generational structure exists because each one is divided by the time, culture, and trends that played a factor in the lifestyle and experience for each generation. The very defining 12 Feature

factors of the lifestyle for each generation. Dr. Yolanda Williams a clinical behavior analyst, writes of the six recent generations, “the Greatest Generation, Silent Generation, Baby Boomers, Generation X, Millennials, and Generation Z. Each generation has its own unique set of characteristics and norms,” she indicates. “For example, the Greatest Generation (born 19011924) is known for its patriotism, hard workers, a n d

conducted. With this context, some stereotypes and initial impressions are placed upon each generation, bringing forth negativity and division as a society and nation.

Generation Z

loyalty to institutions.

The Millennials (born 1980-2000) are

It is an apparent fact that older generations view Gen Z as the weaker age group. These generations believe that “Gen Z has been served life on a silver spoon,” says depression baby and retired educator of Portage Northern Arthur Nemitz. How do the actual Gen Z-ers feel about this? “Gen Z is full of more open-minded

characterized by their dependence on technology, detachment from traditional institutions, optimism, and open-mindedness.” Each generation serves a purpose, not simply for historic reasons but also to learn about each generation of people by the circumstances of their life. Millennials (1980-2000) and Generation Z (2000-2012) have always lived with access to a computer, a modern convenience that shapes how their life will be

and honest people. We are, for the most part, honest about our feelings and our morals. We are more sensitive to others’ emotions than previous generations and I think we really are the saviors of the future,” says Gen Z-er junior Faith Andrews. The stigma that Gen Z kids are all hippie dippie flower children is just inaccurate. “Our emotions give us strength” Gen Z-er Freshmen Jenna Shefler expressed. “You all say we are lazy and spineless, but we

Design by Snigda Narisetty

Portage Northern Light

are fixing the world past generations broke. We can get the job done, while being emotionally available. Let’s see if these boomers can even compare.”

Acc According to The Pew Research Center, “The 18- to 20-year-old members of Generation Z are more likely than Millennials to have finished high school and to enroll in college. Generation Z kids have reportedly more interest in college and going into a well paid field.” Gen Z is full of hardworking dedicated youth, who are anything but lazy.

These kids do know what they want, and know it’s up to them to fix this broken world.

It’s just up to older genera tions to sit back and let them.

However, there is more to why there can be such a misconnection between these two groups of people.

According to Pew Research Center, “members of Generation X were born between 1965 and 1980 and Millennials were born between 1981 and 1996.”

Most of the adults in teenager’s lives are from Generation X. Biology teacher Mrs. Hertel says, “I feel connected to the students at Northern although I would say that I do feel the generation gap.” It is possible for adults from generation X to feel a generation gap with teenagers from this generation due to various reasons.

“Things that are incredibly different than when I was a teenager are the access to instant information - no need to read a book if you can look it up and if you want to know you can find info almost immediately; access to a huge variety of music and entertainment

course, there is different slang, different ideas of what is cool, and that part is hard to keep up with!” Many adults who are millennials feel that this generation and their generation actually are not that different, they just make connections with others differently.

Paynich elaborates, “Honestly, I think this generation of teenagers isn’t that much different from previous generations in terms of behavior. The only real difference is how you guys interact. You are the digital age and so your online presence is much more important than it was for my generation when I was a teen.”

Illustration by James Yang, courtesy of The New York Times

Generation X There is a lurking stereotype that seems to define the social relationship between older generations and this current generation. This is that the older generations always seem to have endless criticism for how this generation is lazy and completely addicted to modern conveniences such as smartphones.

April 2020

which changes how you might classify them by decade - my friends and I all listened to the same 4 radio stations so listening to the same potential 4 songs at one time”.

However, Spanish teacher Señora Kaitie Paynich says, “ I don’t know that I feel a generation gap necessarily.

I think that teens are pretty much the same as when I was a teenager, but of Design by Snigda Narisetty

Divided together The iPhones are off, the tables are clear, and the volume of the room dwindles down. As the reunion comes to a close, each generation is still defined by their own innovations, culture, and trends, but one question still remains: what defines a person, their birth year or who they really are?

Feature 13

100% that witch: senior Nina Lockwood explores witchcraft

Lockwood poses in the lake for her senior pictures at Scidmore Park in Three Rivers. Holding her shoes and looking towards the future. Photo courtesy of Nina Lockwood.

As a dedicated Wiccan, Lockwood explores and celebrates her religion in a way unique to her. Celebrating her religion with her Pentagram. Photo courtesy of Nina Lockwood.

Lockwood has found support in her longtime friends, especially in PC senior Amie Griffith, whom she met in the sixth grade. They pose together in celebration at Portage Central’s 2019 Fall Formal. Photo courtesy of Amie Griffith.

14 Feature

“I don’t worship Satan, I can’t move anything with my mind, or turn anyone into frogs,” senior Nina Lockwood indicates. “I myself like to identify as a witch. It makes it easier than having to explain Pagan witchcraft to someone, and it just sounds cooler.”

She might not be turning anyone into frogs or manipulating her own environment, but Lockwood is months away from graduation, growing into her future and her own religious practice, and she isn’t alone. A study from Trinity College and Pew Research Center indicates that “0.4 percent of Americans, between 1 and 1.5 million, identify as Wicca or Pagan.”

Lockwood is a proud and selfidentified witch, a religious practice with centuries of stereotypes and interpretations along with decades of film and pop culture adaptations.

“Wicca is possibly one of the more misunderstood religions thanks to pop culture. It’s not Satan worshipping! Not all Pagans/Wiccans are witches or even practice witchcraft,” she explains. “I myself just happen to be a type of Pagan who is Wiccan, and practices Witchcraft. Every witch has their own practices and traditions, what I may do and practice is very different from what other witches may do.”

Lockwood has been dabbling in what many would call the dark arts for years. “I first learned about Wicca in around fourth grade, but I didn’t begin practicing until sixth grade.

I’ve been researching and studying for about 7 years,” she shares. “Only around 3 years ago did I fully commit to worshiping deities, practicing

Design by Kylie Clifton

witchcraft, and doing sabbats. It’s a big part of my life that I take seriously and make time for.”

At 18, Lockwood has already ventured down many paths into selfdiscovery. “I was a Christian in the beginning. My family is Christian as well, but they support my religious decisions. I still celebrate Christian holidays with them,” she says. In seeking her most authentic self, she embraced Wicca, and in doing so, has faced indefinite negativity and a lack of understanding. “I’ve been made fun of because of my beliefs, but I really don’t pay attention to negativity when it comes to how I practice my religion,” she describes. Going beyond the pushback, she’s proud to, “celebrate what goddesses I want, do what rituals and spell work I want. If someone tells me it’s made up or not real, I simply shrug it off.”

Along the journey, Lockwood has found support and friendship in her own community. “Nina is incredibly strong and brave to be expressing what she believes in. She’s an amazing kindhearted woman,” says Portage Central senior Amie Griffith, who has known Lockwood for 6 years. “ I support Nina and her religion by researching what she believes in and never tell her what she should and shouldn’t believe/practice in.”

Even in the face of adversity, Lockwood is proud of her religious identity. “I love being Wiccan because I get to create my own rules. I don’t have anyone telling me what to do or believe in, what to worship and when,” she says. “I can put power into my own hands.”

Portage Northern Light

THE EFFECTS OF BEING SELF DEPRECATING

By Lucy Madelung

Humor. It’s used to make peo- you know…sucks.” Body imple laugh, make people feel better age seems to be a big issue not about their day, and most impor- only with females, but with tantly, it attracts people. In a world men too. “I grew up with big where big personalities thrive, and bulky guys around the however, the wit that goes along house,” freshman Garret Laabs with it may be at the person’s ex- expresses. “I’m pretty much a pense. Teenagers in today’s society twig, so that was always someare plagued with the thought that thing I hated about myself. It they are not good enough, and to was never anything anyone offset this, many turn to self-dep- else said, I just always strugrecating gled with it.” jokes or “It’s a way I can express my inDespite c o m - securities, and not be seen as a their strugments, gles, Laabs and basket case. Basically giving Rentz are selfit’s a cry for help,” them a identified class short lived clowns. “Yeah, - Ashley Rentz sense of the laughs are comfort in the laughter of their definitely at my expense,” Laabs peers. confirmed. ”It’s the classic ‘they When surveyed, in a PN class are not laughing at me, they are of 21 freshmen, 18 of the students laughing with me’ thing.” Laughter admitted to feeling insignificant doesn’t always mean joy, though. or like there is something wrong “For me, it’s a way I can express my with them and expressing the feel- insecurities, and not be seen as a ing through self deprecating hu- basket case. Basically, it’s a cry for mor. “People poking at my weight help,” Rentz jokes. The jokes come has always been a big insecurity from many places: “As an Asian source for me,” freshman Ashley American, everyone thinks I have Rentz admits. “They still do, which the Coronavirus,” she says.

April 2020

Rentz and Laabs are both valued members of each class. “They find a way to bring light and lots of fun to each lecture, even if it is about when some guy did something 200 years ago,” freshman Ellie Mace shares. “Yeah, their jokes can be self deprecating, but that’s how the majority of Gen Z speaks and I don’t think that will change any time soon.”

Self-deprecating humor can be used in a multitude of ways and for a great number of reasons, as shown by these comical kids.

However, it is important to know the other outlets for these feelings and that there are people who feel the same way. You don’t need to be funny to be heard.

Design by Kylie Clifton and Illustration by A.J Chambers

Feature 15

By Malcolm Gaynor This off-season has been devastating for the MLB. Following up an off-season headlined by the free agency of megastars Bryce Harper and Manny Machado, this off-season has put the spotlight on something significantly less flattering: the Astros cheating scandal. The Astros used a camera in centerfield to steal signs, which were relayed by banging trash can from the dugout. After the scandal broke, manager A.J. Hinch and general manager Jeff Luhnow were suspended for a year, and the team lost draft picks. However, there has been an outcry from fans and MLB stars who believe the punishments, which include no repercussions for the players involved and no impact on the Astros’ 2017 world series victory or Jose Altuve’s 2017 MVP award, are too lenient. In spring training, the Astros have already been hit by a leagueleading 7 pitches through their first 5 spring training games, and many star pitchers have already announced they intend to plunk Astros superstars in any 2020 matchups.

Despite this, there is reason to believe that the Astros cheating scandal is not the worst thing that has happened to the MLB this off-season.

Because of all the attention the Astros have created, a new rule change has somewhat slipped under the radar.

Starting this season, each pitcher must face at least 3 batters before exiting.

This rule was implemented to limit time-consuming and pitching changes and mound visits, along with creating more offense by allowing managers to utilize less strategic pitching 16 Sports

matchups. This rule takes away from the strategy of the game and will rob exciting and strategic moments from diehard MLB fans.

Recently, many rule changes have been implemented in the MLB, attempting to draw in a new fan base by increasing offense and speeding up games. So far, these changes have not had a huge impact on the integrity or strategy of the game. However, the new 3-batter minimum will certainly change the way bullpens are operated in 2020, especially in the postseason.

For example, in an extra inning game against the Cincinnati Reds, Chicago Cubs manager Joe Madden brought in Travis Wood, Spencer Patton, and Pedro Strop to pitch the 14th and 15th innings. In order to get the right matchups, Madden momentarily shifted each pitcher to the outfield for at least one at bat while another went in to create the best matchups.

Each pitcher (at one point) only faced one batter.

This move, which ultimately worked and led to two scoreless innings and a victory for the Cubs, showcased Joe Madden’s creativity and strategic risk taking. Even though this strategy didn’t lead to a tape-measure home run that the MLB could plaster all over social media, it gave diehard baseball fans a classic strategic moment.

The loss of creative relief pitching strategies will also have an impact on the playoffs. In 2018, Brewers manager Craig Counsell was tied in the National League Championship Series 2-2, and was set to face a powerDesign by Malcolm Gaynor

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ful Dodgers lineup with his mediocre pitching staff. In game 5, he elected to start lefty Wade Miley, who he promptly pulled after walking leadoff batter Cody Bellinger, one of two lefties in the lineup. He brought in Brandon Woodruff, who lasted over 5 innings and faced a lineup who had prepared to go up against Miley, a much different pitcher. While the Brewers lost the game and ultimately the series, the 2020 rule will now make this kind of strategic back-andforth extinct.

This off-season has been dominated by fans and players alike, enraged at the Astros for violating the integrity of the game. However, through all this distraction, the MLB has created a rule that threatens to do exactly the same thing.

Left handed relief pitcher Brian Duensing plays left field in a 2018 game against the Milwaukee Brewers. In a four-batter inning, righty Steve Cishek faced the first and third batter of the inning, while Duensing faced the second and fourth.

Portage Northern Light

Winte rm

archin

les b m e s n e g

By Melissah Morris-Adkins While most people associate the The Portage Northern Winter marching band with Fall, many of Guard is another part of the Winits members are hard at work in the ter Ensemble. “Winter guard is a winter, too. PNHS has three win- performing art that uses dance and ter ensembles: the Portage Northern equipment to tell a story,” explains Winter Guard, Cyclone Winds and junior Katelyn Knapp. “It isolates the Portage Northern Indoor Percussion color guard from fall marching band, Ensemble. The groups have been so that the audience can enjoy the hard at work to make the shows thus dance, flags, and weapons alone.” The far have gone smoothly. group is putting on a performance The PNIPE (Portage Northern called The Hive Mind. “The Hive Indoor Percussion Ensemble) rep- Mind tells a story of the reconstrucresents most of the percussion sec- tion of a bee hive. It begins with two tion of the marching band, “Imagine bees who break off to create their own marching band but just the drumline hives. Throughout the whole thing and front ensemble only and more all the bees are deciding which hive intense. Since there is no band, the to choose and new hives keep being melody comes from the front ensem- made,” says freshmen Aliyah Zufall. ble, and since there is no color guard, “In the end the conflict is resolved the drumline is in charge of visual and everyone comes together to make aspect,” says senior Adriana Hernan- one hive.” The team is enjoying the dez. “Also, instead of a football field, things in between all the hard work, we march in a gym on a big tarp that whether that be improving upon covers half the basketball court.” The things that have learned in previous PNIPE show theme this year is based years or the bonds they are creating on Tomb Raidwith the others on er. “We have the team. “My fatwo explorers vorite thing about looking for the winter guard is the key in the first relationships you - Katelyn Knapp movement, create when bondbut they both want it for themselves ing over something unique. This isn’t so they fight each other and one of your average sports team. A friendthem eventually dies. The second ship is strong when you both get hit in movement is the explorer exploring the face with the same toss. The team the tomb. The final movement is the dynamic is one of the most amazing explorer finding the treasure,” Her- I’ve seen,” says Knapp. The guard is nandez shares. The ensemble has two headed for state finals on March 29. performances left, one for the com- “I’m so excited for states and to see munity and one for other marching all the other winter guards perform. professionals. “I am very excited to We aren’t going to see half the winperform at the community show. We ter guards that are in our class beget to see other performances, and fore then,” says freshmen Anneliese perform the best that we can,” says ju- Kominek. nior Cody Wesley-Flatt.

The final -and newest- part of the

This isn t your average sports team.

April 2020

Design by Malcolm Gaynor

w i n ter ensembles is Cyclone Winds. “Cyclone Winds is an indoor marching ensemble comprised of myself and eight other instrumentalists,” explains junior Paige Underwood, who plays tenor, alto, and soprano saxophone for the show. “Alongside myself, we have a baritone saxophone, a trumpet, two tubas, a mellophone, two baritones, and a drumset player.” The group is led by Derrick Geething and Steve Swetich, who are the marching band’s brass tech and marching coordinator (respectively).

The sport of indoor brass is still new. “ Indoor winds is a relatively new sport. There’s only three indoor winds groups in the entire state of Michigan, and we’re the newest—this is our first year,” says Underwood. “Indoor winds is essentially indoor marching band with a lot more freedom. You have the musicians marching on the tarp just as they would be outside on turf.” The show the Cyclone Brass is doing is called Slow Burn. “It’s all themed around fire and heat. Our songs are all fire-themed, and even our costumes are inspired by fire,” says Underwood. “I’m stoked for our competitions. I can’t wait to blow the audience’s minds! They’ll see our tiny nine-person group and think, “oh, they’re not going to be that great,” and then get hit with our incredible show.

Everyone in the group is so talented, and I know we’ll be turning heads.”

Sports 17

18 Sports

Design by Brianna Neuhouser

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I n last seas o n’s historic state championship winning season, the Huskie baseball teams won a school record games. The team is returning 15 players from last year’s varsity roster, and their expectations for this season are just as high. “I have high hopes for this season, especially seeing the work ethic that the entire program has been displaying,� said senior Jack Beffel. “It really resembles what I saw leading up to the season last year. Knowing that we only lost a few seniors and the majority of our starters from last year are returning is something that makes me look forward to this season even more.�

Portage Northern Light

Men’s Golf

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Design by Brianna Neuhouser

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Over the last few years the women’s tennis team has lost some underclassmen players due to scheduling conflicts with extracurriculars such as forensics and KAMSC. Many of them, who missed being on the team, have returned this year to play. Most of the team from last year has also returned and is ready to start the season off strong.

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can be seen as infinity and everyone on our team has to give our infinite effort to play our best every game.

Coach Ed Culp says, “With no seniors on this 2020 season boys golf team, I decided to go with 3- tri captains all juniors and already two time varsity letter winners and one time team state qualifiers: Braden Falk, Connor Sullivan and Gabe Rathburn along with the #3 representing the 3 parts to the blessed trinity, The Father, Son and the Holy Spirit...as we take a minute as a team and pray before every match.�

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Sports 19

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Portage Northern Light

easter bunny vs. everybody how your favorite mythical characters stack up against one another p. -09

1000 Idaho Ave. Portage, MI 49024

volume 50 issue -5

www.portagenorthernlight.com

Huskie Headlies New middle school is so large students can move back down

By Lindsey Peterson

Built right next door, NHS students can’t help but notice that the new middle school is much larger than the old one. Research revealed that this was so that freshman who proved themselves not quite ready to be here could be sent back to...mature a little more.

Think of it as a grade 8.5.

Clearly, not all freshman need this intervention. There are a few, however, who are in obvious need of help. 9th graders meeting the following criteria

will be targeted for this new program: *those who think they know everything and are the greatest human beings of all time / are about to make the starting line up on every varsity team, practically without even trying out *those who yell for no reason, particularly, “go get a hobby!” *those who stop in the middle of the hallway during passing time *those who have yet to discover that neither showering nor deodorant

is optional *those who laugh at ridiculously immature things and hold up the rest of the class *those who cannot be quiet when the teacher is trying to teach everyone else Teachers are making lists of students who fit the above criteria and those students will be notified of their selection on April 1.

Northern administration to start selling half lunch passes

By Malcolm Gaynor

After months of student complaints about lunch passes not granting students the right to eat in their cars in the parking lot, the school has begrudgingly implemented a half-lunch pass system. This innovation, which gives students the option to pay half the price of a normal lunch pass to eat lunch in their car without leaving campus. Student complaints about the school’s rules against eating lunch in the parking lot were especially prevalent in the winter, when the daily announcements warned of treacherous road conditions and advised against going out for lunch, yet students who -02 Satire News

elected to sit in the car still had to try and hide from school officials who scoured the parking lot. However, any student frustration with these rules is silly. Why should students be allowed to use their lunch pass (which they paid for) to sit in their parking spot (which they paid for) during their free time? When students complained, the school explained that some students are using the parking lot during lunch to use banned substances. And, obviously, if a student is going to use a substance that may impair them, it is smart to require them to drive their vehicle to and from the school parking Design by Astrid Code

lot while doing so. Despite this foolproof logic, students still complained.

And, starting next week, students will be able to choose whether they want to purchase the normal lunch pass or the half lunch pass. Some students may find it frustrating or confusing that they can only choose the half or the full lunch pass, and cannot decide on a day to day basis if they would like to sit in their car or go out for lunch. But why should the school offer an option that is both logical and makes students happy? It just doesn’t work like that.

Portage Northern Light

New natatorium destroyed during construction

By Kylie Clifton

With the constant construction noises and bulldozers literally shaking the school, it’s no secret that the new and expensive pool and natatorium expansion for Portage Northern has been a long and tedious process.

The construction team never anticipated that during construction, they would quite literally “blew the roof off this place,” which is what literally happened on the morning of March 2, when complications with the roof and a badly timed party attitude re-

duced the mostly-completed natatorium to a pile of bricks. The next day, after swimming through solutions, the school board announced that the destroyed roof was so unsettling that they had no choice but to go off the deep end and abandon the project altogether, for “who knows how long.”

The lack of a home natatorium will continue to plague PN swimmers.

“We currently use Portage Central’s pool which is kind of annoying as the drive is long, and the blue and yellow

colors clash with my bathing suit,” laments freshman swimmer Megan Hincher. Despite their innate lack of representation and bad luck in regards to swimming spots, Hincher remarks of the pool situation, “Honestly there’s probably better options, I’ll probably try to find another one, or I always have my bath tub. I think I can get more laps done swimming in my tub rather than the pool anyway.”

ment, she made a choice in response.

“Math isn’t useful, it holds everyone back, in a world of calculators and ivyleague educated assistants math just doesn’t matter anymore. I’m Betsy DeVos and I approve this message.

This deduction of an entire numbers-based system has been met with some opposite and adjacent responses. Amanda Moreno was once a now extinct breed of educator: a math teacher. When speaking of her loss, she says, “It is depressing to know that something I’ve enjoyed for years and

a subject on which I’ve based my career has just ceased to exist.” Moreno isn’t alone, some people even enjoyed math. National Merit Scholarship winner Senior Arjav Patel might have had a future in the now non-existent field. “I feel emotionally confused. I use math every single day. The world is going to realize its mistake really fast,” he says.

This nationwide and global decision, will go active on February 31st of 2020 with a minor chance of explosion on all fronts of the universe.

DeVos reports math is cancelled

By Kylie Clifton

As a wave of uncalculated shock multiplied throughout the global population, some clung to their (now useless) calculators, and the rest of the population in touch with reality subtracted all the number-based baggage.

The announcement of the canceling (and not carrying the one) of math by the United States Secretary of Education, Betsy DeVos on February 30th has left many divided with incoherent results. DeVos is proud of her choice, previously being labeled as “unfit, and unqualified” for her role in govern-

Scan Me! to read additional articles online and keep up with the news

portagenorthernlight.com Math papers burn in a celebratory bonfire.

Photo by Kellie Miles.

April 2020

Design by Astrid Code

Satire News -03

The joys of doing too much

By Komalpreet Kaur and Liam Fagan

A lot of students feel pressure.

They feel stressed, overworked, and overly tired. In short, they feel like they are doing too much.

However, what they don’t understand is that the real joy comes when you do too much.

Ta c k ling IB classe s ,

-04 Satire Opinion

extracurriculars, and balancing a social life isn’t just challenging, it is extremely rewarding.

Look, everyone wants to succeed. They want to maintain a good GPA, have a social life, and enjoy their high school years as much as they possibly can. But, they won’t be ready for the rest of their life. By balancing making the most of every single academic and extracurricular activity, the rest of your life will be a breeze compared to the hellscape that is your high school years. Sure, your human brain isn’t done developing as a high schooler and sleep is extremely important, but so what? People don’t really “need” sleep, they choose to sleep. They are weak, and they don’t understand that doing too much is the only thing to do.

More-

over, doing too much is the only way that a person can be productive.

Even though technically, a person can’t ‘multitask’, switching from task to task is how you are productive. If tasks are taken one at a time, you are not doing enough, and you can feel lazy. A lot of tasks done at a mediocre level are better than just one task being done proficiently. It is the joy of doing all of those tasks that rewards more greatly than just the one task that is being done to the best level.

When it comes to school, quantity plays a larger role than quality if you really want to be and feel productive.

All in all, doing too much in terms of school is always better than doing too little or just enough. Doing too little is, again, lazy, and doing just enough creates a balance that doesn’t give you as much joy as doing everything that is offered to you. Participating in every extracurricular, sport, club, and IB class you want is better than wasting away these years by balancing everything. Balance can cause you to eliminate some of your fa- vorite activities and eliminate opportunities you may never get again. So, it is better to just burn out and do everything because these youthful high school years of doing too much won’t return once you walk down the stage with that diploma.

Design and illustration by Brianna Neuhouser

Portage Northern Light

What makes a

?

By Lilly Lyznayi and Lindsey Peterson

Everyone all have a favorite teacher in our mind. A teacher that is always respectful, fun and constantly makes the day better.

It’s hard not to adore them. Although some people look for different qualities in teachers, here’s what we look for Our love goes out to those who hand us piles of homework every night, really we appreciate it.

Handing us piles of homework every night is great because nobody has a life outside of school. I’m sure we can find time between our three-hour sports practices and our home life for another 2 hours of homework. Everybody go thank that teacher right now.

Another awesome quality we love about teachers is that they are so respectful and u n d e rs t an d i ng .

Especially when they yell at you for trying to ask questions and better understand the material. They usually pull out the “It’s your fault for not listening.� That’s always a nice phrase to hear. When it comes to the tests, teachers are especially helpful. For example, handing out a sheet of review problems and

not even giving us time to ask questions or get help on them. It really helps us learn and prepare for the tests.

Teachers that pick favorites are really awe inspiring, yes, I got a call home and I was threatened with 3 2:50’s because I was drawing on my paper instead of doing my work, but the kid watching his 524th episode of his anime show obviously didn’t

Handing us piles of homework every night is great because nobody has a life outside of school.

April 2020

get in trouble. I, of course, can’t leave class to go to the bathroom because I don’t have control over my bathroom schedule when I’m at school, but the boy who plays basketball can leave whenever he wants to go to the bathroom or to see the trainer.

Design by Brianna Neuhouser

Students also appreciate how teachers also value everyone’s opinions and ideas, they have never once ignored a student’s idea.

Every student feels safe to express their feelings and ideas especially when they are constantly getting bashed by the other students.That is why you see everyone’s hand go up when a teacher asks a question.

Great teachers also love their jobs! Rarely ever do we see a teacher with a true smile on their face. However, many of them wake up every day in hopes of making our day superior. They do this by implementing the things we love.

Homework, tests, packets, busy work and basically anything you can name. So next time you see your favorite teacher, make sure to thank them for all the kindness and respect they give us. Don’t forget about that homework!

Satire Opinion -05

Skiing stiff: Mia the Mannequin rises to alpine stardom

By Kylie Clifton

“Everyone was scared of her, they had her up on the ski lift and everyone thought she was a real person,” says sophomore Lilly Malek. “Once they saw her, they knew it was all over.”

What the competition laid they’re eyes on wasn’t just any ordinary skier. Portage’s Alpine Ski Team’s meet on February 11th was met with a new threat. Not by a raging virus, but a statuesque skiing newcomer Mia the Mannequin.

“The minute she got there I saw she was dressed in a snowsuit, and wearing her arms I could just feel that she was here to ski. She’s really talented, she has her own technique that I can’t even do. She goes in a straight line.” Malek explains.

Mia is a longtime superfan and well loved at Portage Northern, first the transition from foot-

-06 Satire Sports

ball to winter sports seemed to pose a question for the mannequin, but it worked o u t strong.

“Mia is a master wherever she goes and dominates e ver yt hing .

This was her first meet but she still won,” says VanWinkle, as he recalls that “I even saw her do a double backflip.”

Mia not only skied against the competition, but PN itself.

“I’ve been skiing for a long time, and this was Mia’s first meet.

She beat me without even trying, she told me later she has this special skill called gravity, but I don’t care, I know if I keep trying I can get a higher s c o r e than that manne-

Design by Brianna Neuhouser

quin,” s a y s M a l e k .

Despite this win, VanWinkle says of Mia’s plans for the future, “She doesn’t want to go to the Olympic Games because Mia is too good. She wants to do tricks in the X games though.”

Above, Mia the Mannequin (at right) and junior Sam VanWinkle (at left) sit on their chariot of alpine ski power, watching over their frigidly scared competitors on ski-is at the site of such a feared skiing champion. To the left, posed for victory, after the successful day Mia (left) and junior Sam VanWinkle (right) celebrate the successful day together. Both photos courtesy of Mia’s Instagram @ miathemannequin.

Portage Northern Light

What is a sport?

One doesn’t have to look very hard to find internet trolls who focus their wrath on

By Malcolm Gaynor hard-working athletes, claiming that the activity they pour CHEERLEADING their heart and soul into isn’t First of all: cheerleading. Is it a real sport? actually a “sport.”

Well, at first glance, it takes a lot of hard work Normally, cheerleading, and athleticism. However, cheerleaders are cross country and even socjudged subjectively in competitions to find cer are the sports most heavily out who wins. That isn’t a sport! In a sport, targeted. While most people YOU decide if you win or lose, not some ranrealize that these internet comdom judge! So, by that logic, cheerleading, menters are just looking for a dance, gymnastics, band, and many other cheap laugh by relying on an “activities” are NOT SPORTS! overused gag, their ideas acSOCCER tually have real relevance and Even though soccer is BASEBALL bring up an important quesThe classic example of the most popular “sport” tion: what is a sport? a baseball player is Babe in the world, have you Ruth. Does that look like ever seen a soccer player an athlete to you? NOT A flop? That’s not sports, SPORT. that’s acting! Get off the HOCKEY stage fools, soccer is NOT While it is competitive, violent, and dangerA SPORT! ous, there is one major reason why this game is NOT a real sport: the penalty box. How can hockey be a real sport when its players are sent CROSS COUNTRY/TRACK to time out after they do something wrong?

But what about running sports? In these That sounds more like daycare, not athletics. “sports” (spoiler alert, NOT SPORTS) the NOT A SPORT! “athletes” aren’t even allowed to touch each BASKETBALL other. Sports are physical contests. In what One of the best basketball players kind of physical contest is physical contact not of all time, Michael Jordan, quit to allowed? NOT A SPORT! play baseball, which isn’t even a real sport! Therefore, transitively, basketball is NOT A SPORT.

FOOTBALL

Ah, finally: football. Football is the prime example of a “sport” for many of the aforementioned internet trolls who began this argument. However, most football players only play less than half of the game, and each play in football lasts only about 10 seconds! Also, how can something be a sport if the players won’t even be able to remember their names after 25 years? Football is NOT A SPORT!

April 2020

Well, in the end, it looks like nothing is a sport.

Oh well. I guess we’ll have to change this to the hobbies section next edition.

Design by Brianna Neuhouser

Satire Sports -07

MAGIC

MADNESS

By Maya Daniels

It’s that time of the year again: the Magic Madness event! A yearly opportunity for all things magical to show off their skills to finally determine who truly is the superior creature. This year we have the usual lineup of Santa, Krampus, Jack Frost, Tooth Fairy, and Cupid. These seasoned veterans will face some new contenders, including Easter Bunny, The Headless Horseman, and Mother Nature.

I was surprised and honored to even be considered for the competition,” said Mother Nature as she calmly prepared for round one of what was considered by many to be the best Magic Madness lineup in the past 20 years. While Santa is the lead prospect for winning, Mother Nature is a real threat to his 4-year winning streak.

Round one was not that entertaining, with predictable wins. The lineup was Santa vs the Tooth Fairy, Krampus vs Mother Nature, Jack Frost vs Headless Horseman, and the Easter Bunny vs Cupid. As usual, we have Santa advancing to the next round after defeating the Tooth Fairy with his classic “Christmas Punch”. Also proceeding to the next round was Mother Nature and Jack Frost, with the Easter Bunny just barely squeaking though as well after getting hit with one of Cupid’s arrows.

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In round two, there was an amazing fight between Santa and Mother Nature. In the first half, it looked as though Mother Nature is going to take the win. She trapped Santa using her unbreakable weeds, but he escaped at the last second, hitting her with his

I would have gotten away with it if it wasn t for those good for nothing elves!

-Santa Claus wicked “Holly Jolly Jawbreaker.” Just when it looked the match was going to be decided in Santa’s favor, officials made a last-minute discovery he cheated using the elves to escape the weeds. This led to his shocking disqualification. He had to be removed from the combat area, and as he was drug away, he shouted, “I would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for those good for nothing elves! Expect everyone to get coal next year, I’m starting to get too old to care about these bratty kids anymore.”

His competitors were not at all shocked by his actions. “Everyone says he’s ‘Holly Jolly’, but he has always rubbed me the wrong way,” said Jack Frost. “Honestly, I’m not surprised.”

Santa is the first in the history of the Magic Madness tournament to be dis-

qualified, and his previous title wins also are in review. Frost himself was feeling sorry after being K.O.’d by the Easter Bunny in his shocking round two finale. With Santa out of the picture, he looked to have an easy path to victory, but that was all ended by one swift kick.

Mother Nature and the Easter Bunny faced off in last night’s final, which was presented at 11 pm EST on ESPN. While the odds were not in the Easter Bunny’s favor, he put up a good fight, stood his ground, and ultimately defeated Mother Nature by encasing her in chocolate. “I really just wanted to go out there and have some fun,” he said. “Winning was the last thing on my mind, especially with me being a newbie.” When asked what he is going to do to celebrate, he said, “I’m going to Disney obviously... but I have to get back before my busy season!” The Easter Bunny is back in action on April 13th, delivering eggs and chocolate bunnies to the good children of the world. Let’s just hope that the not-so-good children don’t find themselves with an unpleasant surprise...after all, if this year’s Magic Madness tournament taught us anything, it’s that this bunny means business.

Design by Brianna Neuhouser and Katie Knight

Portage Northern Light

m r a in W Guys, it’s getting hot outside.

Now I know you may be saying, “Liam, it’s spring. It’s obviously going to get hot.” But, hear me out: you’re WRONG! It’s climate change. Now I know that people think it’s “not real” and that "The concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive" (a 2012 quote from Donald J. Trump according to cnn.com), but, regardless, you can’t help but notice that it is warm all the time. Places like Baltimore, Maryland reported 0 snow for the first time this year, and that is a fact. But if you, like me, are worried about climate change, don’t be! There are a lot of things about climate change that are great: Lower costs- People spend money every year on winter clothes. We buy coats, gloves, boots, hats, and whatever else we think we need for the winter months. But with global warming heating up the Earth and slowly driving us towards extinction, we won’t need to spend that money anymore, and Americans will have more money in their bank accounts to spend on the surely mounting AC bills.

April 2020

By Liam Fagan

More summer activitiesHave you ever wished that you had more time to swim, go to the beach, and engage in other summer activities like eating ice cream and sweating profusely?

Well, now you can! With the coming wave of heat as a result of the depleting ozone, human emissions, and denial of funds from people in our government, you will have all the time in the world to cool off. Once it gets so hot that your ice cream can’t stay frozen, and any water you put out is immediately warm and gross, I don’t know what to tell you, but enjoy the heat before we can’t anymore!

Time off from school- People may be worried that without the cold weather, there will be no more snow days, and we will have less time off of school. However, don’t worry! With the coming trend of temperatures that will feel as though we live in the greatest desert known to mankind, I’m

ange Ch

g

to Clima p U te

sure we will have tons of time off of school due to temperatures that risk the lives of students and teachers due to risks of heat exhaustion and death!

Guys, don’t worry.

Global warming may be coming, but there are a lot of things to be excited about.

Enjoy it while you can, because if our generation can’t fix the problem, we will all be doomed. At least we’ll be warm and happy when we go.

Design by Brianna Neuhouser and Katie Knight

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Unrivaled:

a look inside the delicious cafeteria food

By Syed Daniyal Enter the Portage Northern cafeteria, the heart of our town’s culinary cuisine, where only the healthiest and most organic food is prepared.

Students look forward to lunch as the exquisite aroma of the packaged meat floods the halls and lures students into the cafeteria. Either that, or it ushers them into the parking lot where they flee from the greatness of school lunch.

Their loss!

A f t e r all, when you choose to eat school lunch, you have a variety of different foods to choose from. There are even dishes from around the world, such as the delicious Italian alfredo pasta bowl:

pasta with a delectable alfredo sauce mixed with approxi- m a t e l y seventeen barrels of oil. Chicken is a popular option that students add to the dish. The chicken is cooked so well that it has, according to senior Ana Luisa Decaro Pinto, a “gummy” texture. Clearly this is a testament to the expert cooking techniques, the likes of which put Gordon Ramsey to utter shame.

In general, the Create Station offers everything a student needs to have an enjoyable lunch, from the main dish to the optional sides. Vege-

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tables are notoriously unpopular, but how could students not like the heavenly greens in the cafeteria, which are skillfully prepared to where the vegetables have a distinct taste s o m e w h e r e between “bad” and “bland.” Many students share the s e n t i m e n t of senior Sonam R a g h u b a n - shi, who believes the broc- coli is most likely “soaked in wa- ter” to give it that t r a d e m a r k “sogginess.” When it comes to healthy produce, what could be better than be- ing able to get your nutrients a n d

one of those as if you were at ored Amerbrightly-colican restaurants that offers a pathetic take on “authentic” Mexican food, eating mediocre tortilla chips and salsa that came straight out of a well-polished can.

Just in case the oil spill in a bowl didn’t quench hunger for y o u r food, then don’t It a l i a n f r e t . Only a few feet away, lies the solution to your problem in the form of two phenomenally average pieces of bread filled with something that is most likely cheese. These Bosco sticks, another popular o p -

h y d r a t i o n all in one stop.

Bringing a south of the border flair into our school, nacho day always causes legions of students to form a massive line.

As students progress through the line and get closer to the food, the perplex- ing scent emanating from the nachos finally hits, m a k i n g mouth breathing a vital necessity. But do the nachos themselves make bearing the admittedly strange odor worth it? Well if you like microwave heated meat and tasteless cheese (who doesn’t) then it most definitely does!

Every stale crunch will make you feel

Design by Brianna Neuhouser

tion, come with a side of marinara sauce t h a t tastes as it was though it w a s delicately hand-microwaved just hours before.

Students should consider themselves blessed to have so many delicacies from which to choose at lunchtime. Not only does school lunch allow students to eat five-star meals every day, it also encourages independence. Sophomore Humza Mohammad says it best: school lunch “encourages kids to start bringing food from home.”

Portage Northern Light

Apple unveils iPhone 22 Plus Pro Squared

By Kaylin Kyle

As the world evolves, so do phones. It’s part of our nature, isn’t it? We are always looking for the next best thing.

That next best thing has finally arrived, in the form of the super-portable, 10.5” iPhone 22 Plus Pro Squared.

The iPhone 22-Plus Pro Squared now offers iPhone lovers so much more than any other phone could.

The newest model offers users an astounding length of 10.45’ or 265.43 mm.

The iPhone 22-Plus even offers users 10 cameras to match its length! VSCO girls, Tik Tok fanatics, and YouTubers alike will be delighted by their new capacity to shine in any possible angle, lighting condition, and natural disaster! A major must have is a high level of security to ensure that no one will have access to the ‘oh-so colorful photos’ you don’t want the world to see. And now, users have a variety of options to lock their phone! Password, passcode, wingdings symbol code, fingerprint pass, retinal scan, and voice recognition. It’s safe to say that all of your secret files, including the front-camera selfies you take on accident, have never been more secure.

The future is upon us, and with the iPhone 22-Plus comes new cameras, an astounding phone length, and high-tech security to keep anything you want hidden exactly that from prying eyes. Such a miraculous and innovative creation could earn no less than 5 out of 5 stars.

April 2020

Design by Brianna Neuhouser

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April 2020

Design by Brianna Neuhouser

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