Return of the Native By Kendall Merriam

A T L A R G E

RET URN o F THE NAT I V E

YOU'RE STUCK WITH YOUR NAME-UNLESS YOU CHANGE IT. BY

marriage, by court decree or by nicknames of various sorts. I have not changed mine because I like it quite well-Kendall Arthur Merriam. The arcane meanings are (Kendall) stream running through a green valley; (Arthur) king; and (Merriam) merry home.

I didn't know all this when Iwas a kid on Mechanic Street because Ronnie, a boy who lived up the street, always called me, "Kendall asked her to marry him." I'm afraid my rather lame retort for Ronald Eric Hill was "Ronnie has an aerial running up his hill."

Over the years, I have been called many things but probably the most humiliating was when I won the sixth-grade spelling contest. It was announced in the Rockland Courier-Gazette that Rudolph Merriam had won. I turned all colors of red and purple when I read that. I just knew that my romantic life was dead, being named after a red-nosed reindeer flying through the Maine air.

In more recent times, I have been called anything with both fore and aft monikers. The most common is to call me Kendall or Kenneth Merriman which I assume you have figured out is a combination of the words "merry man" where mine is merry hame or merry home-traced back to Hadlow, England, in the 1300s.

When I give my name to receptionists and secretaries, I always add, "like in the Merriam Webster Dictionary," to which I usually get a dull blank stare and the question "What's that?" Oh, where are the standards of yesteryear?

The imagination of the speller is fantastic. I get catalogs from North Point Press, publishers of such books as West with the Night and The Secret History of the Mongols. Those catalogs are addressed to Endall Merriam. Who the hell ever heard of anyone named Endall? I know my name is obscure-but not that far out for God's sake. Just the other day I got a consumer questionnaire from somewhere in the tobacco lobby asking me various personal questions. In their all-knowing attitude I was named lendall Merriam. I mean, really.

My last name gets it, too. Recently the Jones Museum of Glass and Ceramics, in Sebago, sent me a fundraising letter addressed to Kendall Mervan. Needless to say, I didn't send them the $5,000 I had been planning to. Feeding my religious paranoia, a letter came a couple of weeks ago calling me Kendall Messias. If only the last letter had been "h" ...

In the South some women are named Kendal-I've seen a few listed and once even noted one spelled with two "I's." Shortly before Christmas, I got a letter from Ulan Bator, Mongolia, thanking me for the novels I had sent them. The letter was addressed to Ms. Merriam Kendall. If I ever get there, they'll have a big surprise.

I must be somewhat pacified. Names in H.L. Mencken's classic The American Language include Henry Ritter Emma Ritter Dema Ritter Sweet Potato Creamatartar Caroline Bostick, daughter of Bob and Sukey Catlen. Just imagine writing a check for the monthly payment to your BMW dealer with a tag like that.