Portland Monthly Magazine Winterguide 1991

Openers

Gotthe$$$$$Blues?

PSC Offers Two New Programs

Pay-What-You-Can:50tktsforthe 1stSat.9PMperformanceofeachpro¬ ductiongoonsale1weekpriortothe showforwhateveramountyoucan afford.

RushTickets:asavailable,aresoldto allPSCperformancesbeginning10 minutesbeforecurtainforhalfthe regularsingleticketprice.

PSC’s 1991 Season

Miss Julie byAugustStrindberg Jan.1-Jan.20

Pay-What-You-Can:Jan.5 Aprovocative&passionatemasterpiece. SponsoredbySoncstaHotelPortland

Lady Day at Emerson’s Bar & Grill byLanieRobertson Jan.29-Feb.17

Pay-What-You-Can:Jan.31 Amovingmusicalportraitof thegreatBillieHoliday. Co-SponsoredbyShop’nSave &CentralMairicPower

Mirandolina byCarloGoldoni March5-March24

Pay-What-You-Can: March 9 Anewadaptationoftheclassicby Italy’sgreatestcomicplaywright.

Wolf at the Door byErikEhn April9-April28

Pay-What-You-Can:April13 Aworldpremierebyanextraordinary newwriter,aboutafamily’sstruggle tosurviveintoday’sworld.

PORTLAND

774-0465forticketinfo. Don’tletatightincome,afaltering economyoradeskfullofbills getyoudown...

Comejoinusfor anightatthetheater!

500 Points of Light

WHYISitalwaysmoremoney atatimewheneveryonehas lessmoneytogive?I’mrefer¬ ringtothemanywell-intentionednew “ImproveDowntownPortland”groups conductingspecialeveningmeetings andshowypressconferencesthenext morning to announce new business zones(ah,thosewords)inwhichspe¬ cialcontractserviceswouldbehired (beyondthosewealreadyhaveahard timepayingtaxesfor)inordertospiff up downtown.

Tomeit’sthesamerevolving-door languageofmapletrees,parkbenches, quasi-militarysecurityforces,and special marketing and promotional services“fundedthroughaspecial property assessment...directed by (and at) the downtown business community.”

Ilovethecoloredpencilsketchesof happydowntownshoppers,theirbags loaded with bright-ribboned hypo-

thetica.

Yep,morefundstopaysomeout-ofstategurus(or “year-round summer people")toconductanotherVision Whateverstudytotellusofourmistake inchoosingtolivehereinthestars, northoftheBos-Washcorridor. Ironically,evenlocalfirmssuchas AlarmTech, 574 Congress Street, or EnterpriseSecurity,1PortlandSquare, wouldhavetopayanextrasecurity assessmentincashinsteadofgetting todonatesecurityservicesthemselves. Andisn’tthisthesamevisiongroup thatcallouslydiscouragesparking privileges for downtown residents when we should save money by doing everythingwecantoattract24-hour residentswhocanorganizeneighbor¬ hoodwatchprogramssothatweneed lesssecurity?Asforpromotions,I admit1’11flinchwhenfillingouta checkfortheinevitableadvertise¬ mentsintheBostonGlobe,TheWall StreetJournal,ortheNewYorkTimes. Instead,couldn’twealldonateour servicestothearea?Ourownsecurity companiescouldhandleareasecurity, downtownlandscapearchitectscould pitchinwithbenchesandtrees,peo¬ plecouldadoptthespotinfrontof theirownbusinesses.Localgrocers andrestaurantscouldgivemorefood tothehomeless...

It would work perfectly except there’dbenothingleftoverforthe VisionWhateveradministrators... Maybetheycouldscheduleameet¬ ingaboutthat.

PORTLAND

Established1985 VolumeV.NumberX.Winlerguide

Colin Sargent Editor & Publisher

Nancy D. Sargent Art Director

Kirk Reynolds Managing Editor

Cathy Whore Advertising

Christopher Foster Advertising

Thomas Knight Advertising

Johanna Hanaburgh Calendar Editor

StaffPhotographer:FrancisDiFalco

Founders Colin And Nancy Sargent

This magazine is primed on Maine-made paper pro¬ duced by Champion International. Bucksport. Maine.

Laser Cover Separations and image assembly by Vision Graphics. 1-800-228-6299. Cover primed by Spectrum Priming A Graphics. Inc., 1-800-622-5885.

PORTLAND Monthly Magazine is published by Colin and Nancy Sargent. 578 Congress Street. Portland. ME 04101. All correspondence should be addressed to 578 Congress Street. Portland, ME 04101.

Adveitising Office: 578 Congress Street. Portland. ME 04101 (207) 775-4339.

Subscriptions: Inside U.S.: $20 for 1 year. $32 for 2 years.$40for3years.OutsideU.S.:add$6.

Newsstand cover date: Winterguide, publ. December 1990. Vol. 5. No. 10. copyright 1990. PORTLAND MonthlyMagazineismailedatthird-classmailratesin Portland, ME 04101. (ISSN: 0887-5340). Opinions expressed in articles are those of authors and do not represent editorial positions of PORTLAND MonthlyMagazine. Responsible only for that portion of any advertisement which is printed incorrectly, and as compensationwewillrunacorrectioninthefollowing issue.Nothinginthisissuemaybereprintedinwhole orinpartwithoutwrittenpermissionfromthepublish¬ ers.Submissionswelcome,butwetakenoresponsibil¬ itylorunsolicitedmaterials.

PORTLAND Monthly Magazine is published 10 times annually by Colin and Nancy Sargent. 578 Congress Street.Borland.withnewsstandcoverdatesofFebrua¬ ry'March.April.May.Summerguide.JulyAugust.Sep¬ tember. October. November. December, and Winterguide.

ROLEX

AS TIME PASSES, [ ROLEX ENDURES

*ToensurethattheRolextimepiece youweartodaycontinuestofunction accuratelythroughmanytomorrows, Rolexhascreatedthepressure-proof Oystercasetoprovidemaximum

protectionagainsttheelements.Picturedhere:•‘, theRolexDatejustandLadyDatejust,eachpressure¬ proofto330ft.;andtheSubmarinerDate,pressure-proof to1000feet.Availablein18kt.gold,stainlesssteel,*ora combinationofsteelandgold,theseelegantRolex timepiecesareatestimonytotheenduringSwisstradition offinewatchmaking.

OnlyatyourOfficialRolexJeweler.

JDostie

Thoroughly Modern

ToTheEditor:

Thatwasquiteanarticleyouwrote aboutme.LetmesayIappreciateit andanypublicityitmaygivemywork, forIliketothinkapaintingisnever really complete until someone is enjoyingit.Iftherealestatemarket wereinbettershape1wouldexpecta dozen people contacting me for houses.Isolovethechallengethough IhavegivenupcontractingthemasI usedto.

Iwaspleasedyouwantedtopublish acoupleofthestories;sinceIhad cometothepointwhereIthoughtthe useofdialectmightoffendandcon¬ fusepeoplewhodon’tlivewithit.

AlsoIamvetypleasedthatasa memberofthepressyoustressthe “up”sideandhaveincludedmeinit. forweallneedtopullourspiritsupby thebootstraps.

Itakeitthephotowithmustacheon thefrontpageisyeeditor.SinceThe Portlandisnotavailableonthenews standshere.Iwouldliketoimposeon yourobviousgoodnatureandaskyou tosend10copiesofthisissueformeto sendtomy(physicallydistant)rela¬ tivesandfriendsinlieuofmystrug¬ glingtowriteletters.

Thanksforeverything.

EmilyS.Muir. Stonington

P.S.WheredidyougettheideaIlivein aramshacklehouse?

In The Hand

ToTheEditor:

Wouldyoupleasebesogoodasto sendmetwocopiesofyourEmilyMuir issue(VolumeV.No.VIII,November)? 1haveseenacopy,andweneedto own acopy,andacopytogivetoa mutualfriend.

Faithfullyyours,

From “Humble Ay uh”

ToTheEditor:

Ienjoyedyour“WorkinginMainein the1990s”issue. Bestwishes.

RobertSkoglund The Humble Farmer Georgetown

Bests & Worsts

ToTheEditor:

AsarelativenewcomertoPortland.I findyourmagazineinformativeand interesting.Asahumanbeing,Ifindit entertaining,sensitiveandliterate. YourDecember1990"Best&Worst” issuewas,particularly,alloftheabove. Severalpersonalobservations:

MynormalSundaymorningroutine includesatripto.loe'sSmokeShopfor theNewYorkTimes.Ithoughtitwas mebutdidn’ttakeoffense.Youmay knowthatmostOrientals—particular¬ lyKoreans—haveasimilarhabit(of nottouchingyourhandsaschangeisj exchanged).Intheircaseitisculturalj asitisconsideredtoofamiliartotouch| acustomereveninreturningchange.।

Again,Joe’s;myson—afilmmajor; senioratSyracuseUniversity—iseag¬ erlyanticipatinghisnexttriptoPor¬ tlandandavisittoJoe’s.Hisprimary bentistowardscriptwritingandcon¬ sidersStephenKinganideagenius.

Idon’tfind“TheOneMinuteMan¬ ager”aparticularlystrangebook.Ihad thegreatpleasureofparticipatingina management development program ledbyDr.Blanchardintheearly1980s and recommending his book to many people.Imadeitrequiredreadingfor mymanagersinseveralplaces,includ¬ ingBrazil.Itisavailable—atmylast recollection—inatleast10languages. Keep up the remarkable level of Portland.

Vernon Gotwals Stonington

EdwardP.James WrightExpress Portland

(«A PLACE FOR RIBS*)

Judged Best Ribs In America South Portland 671MainStreet 76L42U

Market Rate Saving Account

TaketheCoastalRoute tosmartsavings.

You’resmart,thriftyandtraditional,by nature.YouknowaboutMoneyMarketsandall thoseotherhighinterestaccounts,butmaybe you’rejustnotcomfortablewiththem.You wantasavingsaccountthatlooksandactslike therealtiling,butpaysyouliigherinterest.

FollowtheCoastalroutetotheMarketRate SavingsAccount,thesmartalternative.It’sa savingsaccount,buttheinterestratefollowsthe MoneyMarketsonaweeklybasis,payingyoua liigherrateofreturn.

Allittakesis$2500toopenyouraccount. And,you'llhaveunlimiteddepositsand withdrawalsforonlya$1monthlyservice charge.You’llreceiveamontlilystatement showingallaccountactivityandsimpleinterest earned.And,youcanmaketransactionsonyour

accountwithaCoastalBankATMcard. Formoreinformationor,toopenyour account,simplycall1-800-551-3360. TheCoastalBankMarketRateSavings Account.It’sthebestroutetosmartsavings!

Legendary telephone.

It’s1991inGray,Maine,butyoucanstillwalkintothis phoneboothandplaceacallforjust10c,withtherestof theworldtiedforsecondplaceat20cj

To Beantown and back.

Cheapestfareis$33.25byC..I.Trailways,828-1151,16 ForestAvenue.Comparethisto$120roundtrip(AAA's estimatedoverallcosttouseyourowncar)and$98 roundtripbyplane.

Music to your ears.

StudentclassicalrecitalsareFREEtothepublicatUSM, andtherecitalscheduleispublishedtwomonthsin advance.Often,it’sSundayafternoonsor8p.m.ona weekday.Call780-5555andbookapleasurablemusical outing.

Bicycledays.

FindtreasuresatPortland’sannualfallcleanupday.

Boisterous oysters.

ThepriceisFREEifyouslideintoJ’sOysterBaronany dayinFebruary,1991from4-7p.m.

Greatest show in town.

PortlandStageCo.bringsyoutop-qualityregionaltheater foraslittleas$ZEROduringtheirrevolutionarynew“Pay WhatYouCan"nightsthiswinter.Paywhatyoucanto see“LadyDayatEmerson’sBar&Grill”on31;“Mirandolina"onMarch9;and“WolfattheDoor”onApril13. TheseareSaturdayshowsat9p.m.P.S.Pricesarealways cutinhalfifyoubuyrushticketswithinthelast10min¬ utesbeforeashow.

HR1FTasstyle.It’sexuberant,triumphant, unshacklingfinally.It’sRadicalCheap,an extraordinarycorollarytothelawsof naturegoverninghumanaction—awon¬ drousself-protectivemechanismwehave—that leadsustorewritehistoryinthefaceofadversity inordertoconclude,“Itwasourideainthefirst place!Thrift!Nowthatwethinkofit(nowthatwe areforcedtothinkofit),thriftiswhatwewere missinginourlives!”HenceRadicalCheapas recreation,sport,knowledge:asamoral,sensitive responsetoatrashedecology(Recycle!Recycle!); asanennoblingwayofbeingintherightplaceat therighttime:astheascendantmodeofpersonal expressioninPortland,Maine,1991.Thisissueis drippingwiththemostextravagantmodesof economyeverassembledfortheregion.Grabhold ofit.Don’tevenleavethebones.

Potlucky.

From9to9:30,$HALFPRICEonany¬ thingalreadycookedatEmilyK’s,280 ForestAvenue,Portland,includingan encyclopediaofvegetables,nicelumpy mashedpotatoes,andtheirnewly famousrotisseriechicken.879-2500.

Lowest gas.

It'snotanillusion.It’sabreakthrough. Atpresstimethelowest,lowest-priced gasstationwasthisoneinCasco, Maine,legendaryforitslowprices... andmagicallycheapat$1,29.9/gal.,a full10centsbelowaverage.InPortland, there’sarealreasontotankupatthe IrvingFoodMart.1199CongressStreet (acrossfromtheRamadaandaccessi¬ bleto1-295).OwnerMorrisSilver explains,“It’sacontractagreementwe havewithIrving.Weareallowedto alwaysmatchorexceedthelowest pricepergalloninthegreaterPortland area.We’re$1.35now.We’regoingto $1.33tomorrow.”Forfullservicefillups, try'theDyerstationonthecornerof Washington and Cumberland, competi¬ tiveat$1.38.9.Abovethat,you’reon yourown. Yes,Virginia,

FREEprofessionalmassagescanbe scheduledthroughtheDowneastSchool ofMassageaspartoftheirinstructional program.CallNancyDaleat832-5531. Lightbytes.

ImagineFREEApplecomputinginstruc¬ tionandsoftwareexplanationduring three-hourworkshopsinthelocalarea. Excited?TheBiddefordAdultand CommunityEducationprogramisdoing it.Moreover,anyadultwhosuccessfully completesthisworkshopmayusethe ApplesandsoftwareatDyerLibraryin SacoandMcArthurLibraryinBiddeford atnocharge.282-3883.

Shampoo you.

Try'andbeat$7forashampoo,cut. blow-dry,andsetwithacurlingiron, performedbysupervisedstudentsat Pierre’sSchoolofBeautyCulture,659 CongressStreet,774-1913.

Brown Bag Entertainment

“It’s1991.Myentertainment budgetiszero.NowwherecanI go? Thesolution,ofcourse,liesin practicingthefineartofbrownbag entertainment,andonceyoudiscover theinsandoutsofPortland'sbrown

bagcircuit,you’llfinditcantakeyou anywhere.Infact,withalmost nothinginyourpocketandanopen mind(aswellasagiftfortiming), it’spossibletoappreciatePortland’s cultureandflavoronanevengrander

scalethanyoumayhaveinprevious years!

Crackopenyournew1991 calendarandlet’sbooksomegreat entertainmentstraightaway.Item:it’s timetoconsidertakingthePortland

Above: Rush seats at Portland Stage MuseumofArtuponitsfreeadmis¬ sionpolicyonThursdayevenings. Don'tjustsay,‘Yeah,1oughttodo thatsometime,’thewayyoudid beforetheymadeyoucutupyour creditcardsandmailbackthepiec¬ es.Makethechange.Getthereonce

FREE USM COMEDY

Lectures, Art. Music, Enlcrtaiiiuienl!

Asaculturalresourcetotheregion,theUniversityofSouthernMaine hasscheduledaseriesofFREEEVENTSforthewinterandearly spring.

Variousstudentgroupsaresponsoring“FourthDayCafe,”musicalper¬ formancesandcomedyactsscheduledfor5p.m.everyThursdayinthe CollegeRoomofUSM’sCampusCenter,BedfordStreet,Portland.Call8746598fordetailsonindividualperformances.

USMProfessorofArtJeannaDaleBearcewillopenanexhibitofpaint¬ ingsandetchingsatareceptionfrom4to6p.m.,Thursday,January17.The show,whichrunsthroughThursday,February14,willbehousedinthe USMArtGallery,CollegeAvenue,Gorham.Hoursare12noonto4p.m., SundaysthroughThursdays.Pleasecall780-5009formoreinformation.

“PhotographsofEurope,"featuringblackandwhitephotographstakenby PeterShellenbergerwhileinEuropeduringthesummerof1989,willbeon exhibitintheAREAGalleryinthePortlandCampusCenterthroughFriday, February1.ThehoursoftheAREAGalleryare7a.m.-10p.m.Mondays throughFridays,and10a.m.-10p.m.SaturdaysandSundays.780-4090.

TheUSMDepartmentofMusicwillhosttheAirForceBandSmall Ensembleat8p.m.,Wednesday,January23inCorthellConcertHall,Gor¬ ham.Youcancontactthedepartmentat780-5555formoreinformationon thisfreeevent.

CeramistJohnRoloffwilldiscusshisworkat4p.m.,Thursday,February 7,aspartoftheongoingUSMArtistsLectureSeries.Hewillbespeakingin HastingsLoungeontheGorhamcampus.TheUSMArtDepartmentat7805460canprovidedetails.

Theexhibit“NewDimensionsinPhotography”willopenat4p.m.,Thurs¬ day,February28inUSM’sArtGallery,Gorham.Theshow,whichwillfea¬ turethetrend-settingworkofvariousphotographers,willrunthroughThurs¬ day,March28.Noonto4p.m.,SundaysthroughThursdays.780-5009.

PhotographerLornaSimpsontalksaboutherworkinanArtistsLecture Serieseventscheduledfor4p.m.,Thursday,March7inHastingsLounge, Gorham.780-5460.

StudentsintheUSMDepartmentofMusicwillperforminanHonorsReci¬ talat8p.m.,Friday,March15inCorthellConcertHall,Gorham.780-5555.

MarenStangewilladdressthequestion“VisualStudiesand(Multi)CulturalHistory:What’sArtGottoDowithThem?”at7p.m.,Thursday, March28.ContacttheArtDepartmentformoreinformationonthisUSM ArtistsLectureSeriesevent,tobeheldatthePortlandMuseumofArt. 780-5460.

CorthellConcertHal!inGorham,whichtheEveningExpresscitedas “...oneofthefinestsmallrecitalfacilitiesintheregion,”willhosta“Classical GuitarDay”Saturday,April6.USMfacultymemberswillperformat1p.m. andthenparticipateinaquestion-and-answersession.Forinformation,call theDepartmentofMusicat780-5555.

Thursday,April11,sculptorUrsulavonRydingsvardwillspeakinHast¬ ingsLounge,Gorham.780-5460.

TheUSMStudentShowwillbeupintheUSMArtGallery,Gorham,from Sunday,April14throughThursday,May2.Closingreceptiontobeheld from4-6p.m.,May2.Noonto4p.m.,SundaysthroughThursdays. 780-5009.

Afreeseriesoflectures,movies,andothereventsrelatedtoaparticular themeispresentedeachyearaspartofUSM’syearlongConvocation.The 1991themeis“WorldsinFlux:EastAsia.”ForfreeConvocationactivities, call780-4200.

Hotlineforup-to-datefree,student-sponsoredeventsis874-6588.Call 780-4200forinformationonotherfreeactivities.780-4200.

KitteryFactoryStores,Kittery,ME• FashionOutletMall,Freeport,ME CrestwoodOutletCenter,N.Conway,NH*BattenkillPlaza,ManchesterCenter,VT

Includes:lodging,dinner,break¬ fast,unlimitedX-Cskiing&use ofalltheresortfacilities.

We areaClassicNewEnglandResort tenminutesawayfromdownhillskiing at SUNDAY RIVER with 28 km of groomed X-C skitrailsrightoutourbackdoor.

Traditional Inn and luxury Townhouse Condminium accomodations available.Recreationfacilitiesincludeayear-roundoutdoorheated poolwithhottub,fitnesscenter,saunasandgameroom.

TheBethelInnoffersthebestvaca¬ tionvaluesavailableanywhere. Call,orwrite...thencompare.

amonth,thepeoplecrowdingintosee the new PMA exhibits on Thursday nights do know something we don’t know,andthey’resavingalotofmoney learningit.

Item: Portland Stage’s new “Pay WhatYouCan”night.It’salittle-known factthatyoucannowpaywhatever feelsrightforthefirstSaturdaynight performanceofaPortlandStagepro¬ duction’srun,andseason’smagicSat¬ urdaynightsareJanuary31 {LadyDay atEmerson'sBar&Grill), March 9 {Mirandolina), andApril13 {Wolfat theDoor}. JustSOoftheseticketsgo onsaleoneweekpriortotheshow,so stopbytheboxofficeaweekearlyand makeyourreservations.Anothertip: Rushticketsaresoldonafirst-come, firstservebasisduringthefinal10 minutesbeforeallperformances—for exactlyone-halfprice.

Butforrealbrownbagluxurythere’s nothinglikecalling871-1700tosche¬ dule your next appearance at the Annual Brown Bag Lecture Series at thePortlandPublicLibrary,5Monu¬ mentSquare.Forexample,flipping yourcalendartoFebruary13atnoonin theRinesroom,youseearealtreat:It’s “SignOff:AReadingbytheAuthor,” andtheauthorinquestionisJohn Katz,formerproducerofCBSMorning News.Hisnovel,abouttheruthless corporatespiritovertakingAmerican business,startssomethought-provok¬ ingquestions,andKatzisthereto answer them when you askthem.Topnotchlecturers,poets,andstorytellers presideovertheseacclaimedBrown Bagsatthelibrary.Cost?Needyouask? Quick:across-countryskibreak? Librariestooconfining?Ok,thenhow aboutafreeopentrailatGilsland Farm, home of Maine Audubon. It’s close,entertaining,andfree!

Item:Freepoetryreadings,CafeNo, secondTuesdayofeverymonth,8p.m. Item:Freecomedynights,UncleBil¬ ly’s.Item:AworldoffreeUSMevents: seesidebar,previouspage.Item.Free lecturessponsoredbyPortlandSchool ofArt(example:7p.m.,March28:Lec¬ ture by Juane Quick-to-See Smith, memberoftheFlatheadtribe,Mon¬ tana.Painter-activist-spokeswoman. Baxtergallery.Free).Seeyouthere. —ColinSargent

ALLYOU A Ifo CAN

EAT?

Andfreeappetizers? Sure,slideonover, don’tbeembarrassed! Acceptthefactthatthe

followingrestaurateurs wantyoutotakeadvan¬ tageofthem.Duringmy search,onecrotchety restaurateuraskedme, “Allyoucaneat?Whatdoyoumean?Peoplecouldjust comeinhereandeatandeatandneverstopuntilwehave toclosetheplacedown?”Well,yes,theoretically. Thebargainsbelowhavebeenex¬ tractedforyou.Someoneelsesfingers havedonethewalking.You’llhaveto doyourownresearchastothequalit¬ ativeaspectofthefarelistedbelow, butthequantityistheretobeexper¬ ienced.

ALL YOU CAN EAT BRUNCHES:

DIMILLO’S, Long Wharf, Portland, known as much for the teevee lady withthemenucoveringhalfherfaceas forthefood,offersaSundaybrunch from11-2.Typicalbreakfastitems,pas¬ tries,aswellasseafoodandchicken dishescanbehadfor$10.95.772-2216.

HARRASEEKET INN, 162MainSt, Freeport,hasaSundaybrunch($12.95) buffettogoalongwiththeirregular breakfast($6.95)andlunch($9.95) spreads.Themenuvaries;thehigh¬ lightsareavarietyofmeatsand“great desserts.’’865-1085.

CASCADE INN & RESTAURANT featuresaninexpensiveSundaymorn¬ ingmeal.It’s$4.95,andthemenu

changesweeklywithmeatballs,hash, andotherRoute1standards,including codcakes.283-3271.

NEW MEADOWS INN, WestStreet, Bath, also sports a rotating menu ($9.95) that always includes two soups,fruitandjuice,croissantsand theirlesspretentiouscousins,biscuits, as well as cinnamon french toast, quiches,belgianwaffles,andchicken andfishdishes.Completewithsalads anddesserts.443-3921.

WARREN’S LOBSTER HOUSE, WaterStreet,Kittery,servesaSunday brunchwithabeautifulwaterviewfor $9.95.From10-2,theyservecarved meat,eggs,andomelettestoorder, seafood, pasta, homemade bread, soups,andbakedgoods.Andforno extracharge,yougetfullaccesstoan over50-itemsaladbar.439-1630.

MAPLE RIDGE INN/RESTAURANT, MapleRidgeRoad,Harrison,isafru¬ gal,simpledelight.For$4.95you’llbe treatedtosuperiorpancakes,french toast, homemade muffins, and eggs madetoorder.Sundaybreakfast.Fire¬ sidedining.Askformore!583-4272.

ALL YOU CAN EAT LUNCHES:

Forthosewholiketheunchpartof brunch, POLYNESIAN VILLAGE, 152MainStreet,Westbrook,serves Chinesefood,buffet-style,fromnoon to4onSundays.Theyfeaturethree appetizers,asweet&sourdish,and twoentrees,aswellassalad.Adults: $7.50;children:$4.854-9188.

Atacostof$6.95foradultsor$3.95for kids, RICETTA’S, 29WesternAvenue, SouthPortland,hasall-you-can-eat pizza(4types)andtossedsaladtogo withstuffedeggs,soups,pasta,and rolls.TheirbuffetrunsSundaysfrom noon-3.775-7400.

MARKET STREET GRILLE atthe PortlandRegency,31MarketStreet, Portland,hasoneofthelunchierSun¬ day brunches in town. For $12.95 adultsand$5.95children,eatyourfill fromabuffetthatincludescarved meat,homemadewaffles,salads,eggs, fish,chicken,andadisplayofdesserts. 774-4200.

Thenextbrunchisnotall-you-can-eat (“Areyoukidding?ThisisJoeSolcyland,” quips an anonymous em¬ ployee) but sounded good nonethe¬ less. THE SEAMEN’S CLUB, 1Ex¬ changeStreet,Portland,servesbrunch on Saturdays and Sundays. Prices rangefrom$4.95-$6.95.EmployeeX recommends the lobster omelette, eggsbenedictwithfreshhollandaise, fresh-bakedfrenchtoast,pancakes withfruit,steakandeggs,and“hearty” omelettes.772-7311.

If you’re planning your end-ofhibernationmeal, SNOW SQUALL, 18 Ocean Avenue, South Portland, debutsweekendbreakfastbuffetsbe¬ ginningthisAprilfrom8-10.Youget thewholedealfor$7.95;continental fare(“thestuffthatisn’thot")goesfor $3.95.799-2232.

All-you-can-eatsaladscanbegreat deals depending on the particular

salad-buildingfacility.Someinclude yourbasicgreenstuff,butmanyven¬ tureintootherterritoryaswell.

ALL YOU CAN EAT SALADS:

PIZZA HUT, 344ForestAvenue,Port¬ land; 415 Maine Mall Road and 109 WatermanDriveinSouthPortland,has asmallsaladbar.butyoucanutilizeit toitsfullextentforonly$2.49.

Fast-food-for-carnivoresalsocatersto thevegetableset. ARBY’S ( 285Forest Avenue, Portland, 280 Maine Mall Road,SouthPortland,and818Roose¬ velt, North Windham) has a $3.15 saladbar.

Forthoseofyouwhodon’tpreferself serve, JAMESON TAVERN, 115Main Street,Freeport)willbringyouall

thesaladyoucaneatwithyourdinner purchase.Theymaketheirowndress¬ ingandareproudofit.Whensummer rollsaround,theyrunall-you-can-eat dinnerspecials.865-4196.

VALLE’S STEAK HOUSE, 1140 BrightonAvenue.Portland,doesn’t haveabareither,but$1.95getsyoua bottomlessbowlofsalad,oneofthe bestdealsintown.774-4551.

YORK STEAK HOUSE, MaineMall, SouthPortland,doeshaveasaladbar, andfor$3.50atlunchand$3.95at dinner,youcangobackasmanytimes asyouwant.773-7172.

WARREN’S LOBSTER HOUSE, WaterStreet,Kittery,hasasaladbar withover50items.Eatthemallfor $5.25atlunchand$6.95atdinner. 439-1630.

Thisbeingamaritimearea,all-you-

Aperfectvacationbegins withyouridealdestination atthebestavailableprice. Becauses we're Maine's ex¬ clusiveaffiliateofCarlson TravelNetwork,wehavethe bestfaresonthevacations of your dreams and one-ofa-kinddiscountsonthemost popular cruise lines. So whether you picture your¬ selfcruisingtheCaribbean, relaxingonatropicalisle, ortouringEuropebytrain, let Hewins/Carlson Travel Network get you there for less!

can-eatfishdealsareeasytofind.

ALL YOU CAN EAT FISHFRIES:

Thisbeingamaritimearea,all-youcan-eatfishdealsareeasytofind.

Themostprolificofthemallisatthe PORTHOLE RESTAURANT, 32Custom House Wharf, Portland, where $3.50willgetyouailthefishyoucan eat,alongwithfriesandcoleslaw. What kind of fish? “Whatever comes offtheboat,"saystheproprietor.He soundedsaltyenoughtome,andyou knowthefishwillbeplentifuland fresh.774-3448.

CAPTAIN NEWICK’S, 740Broadway, SouthPortland,runsoccasionalallyou-can-eat shrimp specials for $5.95.Playseafoodroulette,orcallto confirm.799-3090.

OCEAN FARMS, 23 Main Street, Freeport,hasall-you-can-eathaddock, clams,shrimp,andslawfor$9.95on Fridaynights.865-3101.

BIRCHWOOD RESTAURANT, Route 1,Yarmouth,servesyourfillofhad¬ dockonsomeFridaynightsfor$8.95. Sorry,Icouldn’tpin’emdown.“Geez, theydon’ttelluswhatthespecialsare until4:30mostofthetime,”saysour contact,which,actually,speakswell forfreshness.846-6119.

Stayonthatroadfor CARSON’S, 433 Route1,Scarborough,andtheirFriday specials:$7.95forallthehaddockyou caneat,alongwithchowderandeither puddingorjello.Remember,it’swhite jellowithfish.Thatsame$7.95buys youallthefriedMaineshrimpyoucan eat.GobackonSaturdaynights,pay $8.95,andeatlotsandlotsofroast sirloin.883-4400.

THE GOOD TABLE, Ocean House Road,CapeElizabeth,boastsall-youcan-eatfish’nchips,specifically haddock.“Makesureyoutell’emit’s fresh.”Friesandcoleslawcomewith the$8.95pricetag.799-4663.

THE GROUND ROUND, 195 Maine MallRoad,SouthPortland,hasfish friesonWednesdaysandFridays.The priceis$8.29forhaddock,or$4.99for theadmittedlylesserflounder.Oh— they’llsellyouallthechickenwings you can eat for $7.29 on Mondays. Popcornisalwaysfree.774-2786.

CORNERSTONE RESTAURANT, 3 BridgeStreet,Westbrook,hasaWed¬ nesdaynightfishfry.854-1288.

ALL YOU CAN EAT DINNERS, ETC.:

SIZZLER, 465MaineMallRoad,South Portland,and750RooseveltTrail, Windham,hasabigolefoodbarwith 110items,includingsoups,pasta,fruit, tostada(“Mexicanthings”),andmore. $4.99atlunch,MondaythroughSatur¬ day,and$6.49fordinnereverynight. Or,youcanorderameal,pay$2.99 extra,andtasteallSizzlerhastooffer.

TONY ROMA’S, 671 Main Street, SouthPortland,willfeedyourkidsfor freeonTuesdaynights.Worktheminto yourschedule!761-4211.

PAPA GINO’S, 198MaineMallRoad, SouthPortland,willfeedyouallthe pizzaorpastayoucanhandlefor$4.50 on Tuesday and Wednesday nights. 775-5172.

WOK INN, 818MainStreet,SouthPort¬ land,servesaChineseall-you-can-eat buffetfor$7.95MondaythroughFriday from11-8;weekends11-9.773-7332.

Bythetimeyoureadthis, CHINA DRAGON, 51MarketStreet,Portland, willhaveimplementeditsdailywalk¬ upbuffet.Callforpricesandconfirma¬ tion.799-9688.

LISA’S PIZZA, Maine Mall Road, SouthPortland;St.JohnStreet,Port¬ land;andU.S.Route1,Saco,hasan all-you-can-eatspaghettispecialfor $2.99.761-0918.

Themostprolificall-you-can-eatdeal going can be found at DUNSTAN

SCHOOL

RESTAURANT, Route1, Scarborough.Ownersof other restau¬ rantsweresendingmetoinvestigate thisplace.Theirlunchbuffetopensat 11a.m.,MondaythroughSaturday,and costs$5.95.Saysafriend,“It’sworth thesixbucksifyou’rehungry.”Deep selection of seafoods and carved meats.Notonlydoeslunchsoundlike adeal,theguysarerewardingthose whocomeoutthiswinterwitha2-for1,all-you-can-eatdinnerspecial. Through March, Monday through Thursday,twopeoplepay$9.95—total. Call883-5261tomakesureIwasn’t hearingthings.

Two people pay $9.95—total ^3-

Themostcrypticall-you-can-eatdeal was told to me by someone at DENAN’S, 133FreeStreet,Portland.A guycalledmeatworktotellmethat “youcanhaveallthetomatoesyoucan eatinanycheeseomelette.”Oh.Visit orcall774-4237toaskPeterRealiwhat thehellisgoingon.Andaskhimto keep the jukebox down; the people nextdooratPORTLANDaretryingto work!

Notallgreateatingopportunitiesdeal inunlimitedvolume.Herearejusta fewpurelysubjectiveexamplesofpla-

cesthatserveallyou should eat:

DANTE’S, OneCityCenter,Portland, makesgreatnorthendItalianpizza, and you get a meal-sized hunk for $1.20; $1.45 with pepperoni. Other considerableItaliandishesgofor$3$4.773-1100.

Otherdealsincludethe$3varyinglun¬ cheontreatsat FOOD FOR THOUGHT, 591CongressStreet,Portland.Neattin ceiling.772-0702.

Manydinersfindthebestdealat THE GOOD EGG CAFE, 705 Congress Street.Trythe$1.95multi-grainpan¬ cakes.773-0801.

Absolutely FREE Food!

Servingpizza,cheese, crackers, and sometimes chicken wingsis THE OFFICE PUB, 4-8week¬ nights.772-8179.

CADILLAC JACK’S, 442ForeStreet, Portland,cutsup4-foot-longsubson ThursdaysandFridaysfrom4:30-6:30. Occasionally:freepizza,potatoskins, meatballs,andsausages.774-7466.

GRITTY MCDUFF’S, 396ForeStreet, PortlandservesFrenchbreadpizza, salsa&chips,andbuffalowingson Friday nights from 4:30-6:30 p.m. 772-2739.

BRUNO’S, 35IndiaStreet,Portland, servesanItalianbuffetthiswinterall dayuntil6p.m.773-3530.

UNCLE BILLY’S. 60 Ocean Avenue, SouthPortland,servesfreejerkedfish and smoked chicken wings week¬ nightsfrom4-6p.m.—arealtreat. 767-7119.

J’S OYSTER, 5PortlandPier,Port¬ land,isofferingFREEOYSTERSthis February,weeknightsfrom4-7.Well, youknowwhattheysay...772-4828. Continuednextpage

TWOFER!

SAVVY CONSUMERS are look¬ ingforandfindingbargains whichallowthemtocutspend¬ ingwhileensuringtheycando alotmorethanstayhomeandwatch television.Byrearrangingpersonal schedules, many refuse to pay the eveningticketpriceofamovie,prefer¬ ringtosaveupto$3bygoingtoa matinee.Otherswholiketodineout getsubstantia!savingswithearlybird specialsofferedbysomerestaurants.

Two-for-one specials

Butthemostattractivesavingsare two-for-onespecials,whichallowtwo peopletoeatdinner,seeashow,or otherwiserecreateforthepriceofone. Asamplingofthosespecialsfollows:

Portland Stage Company, 25A ForestAvenue,Portland,ME04101. Thisisoneofthearea’sfinest—and most unknown—bargains. Portland StageCompanyreducesthepriceofits ticketsby half forticketsstillavailable 10minutesbeforethecurtaintime

ofeachshow. Ticketsrangefrom$10 to$24atfullprice. The theater com¬ pany also sponsors a “Pay What You Can” program in which pa¬ tronsareallowedtopaywhatthey feeltheycanpay,allthewayto zeroifthey’resurethey’dmissthe showotherwise,forticketstothe 9p.m.showofthefirstSaturday performanceofaproduction. Starv¬ ingartists,writers,realpeopleout there,takeadvantageofthis,without embarrassment.It’sacredittothis organizationthat,whenitcomesdown tochoosingbetweendollarsandan audience,they'llpicktheaudience. Givethemallyoursupport!They’retak¬ ingaleadershippositioninthere¬ gionalartscommunitybyenactingthis measure.774-0465.

Scotia Prince, Prince of Fundy Cruises,Ltd.,468CommercialStreet, Portland.Inthespringandfall, senior citizens cantaketheM/S(“motor¬ ship,’’forthoseofuswhohavealways wonderedaboutthiscuriousprefix)

ScotiaPrince’s 23-hourMinicruisefor halfofftheregularpriceof$87per person. The ScotiaPrince makestrips betweenPortlandandYarmouth,Nova Scotiaandoffersentertainment,a casino, dining, and more than 300 cabin accommodations. (207) 7755615.(800)482-0955.

Sunday River Cross Country Ski Center, RFD 2, Bethel. On Wednes¬ days during the month of January, 1991, anytwocross-countryskiers canskiherefor$10,thetypical priceofone. Theskiareaoffers40 kilometersofgroomedtrails.Thetwofor-onedealispartofthecenter’spar¬ ticipationin“SkiwithaFriendMonth,” asdesignatedbytheUnitedSkiIndus¬ triesofAmerica.Theskicenterissitu¬ ated on the Sunday River Ski Area accessroad.

Westcustogo Inn, Route 33 and Prince’sPoint,Yarmouth.Duringthe months of January, February, and March,thisrestaurantwillbefeaturing

DIRECTORY

datesduringwhichthelesser-priced entreeoftwoisfree.WestcustogoInn’s menu includes seafood and brick¬ oven roasted steak and meats. Call 846-5797fordatesanddescriptionsof thesespecialsanytimeduringthese months.

PortlandConcertAssociation. 262 CumberlandAvenue,Portland.Student rushticketsareavailableforhalfprice 30minutesbeforeeachshow.ThePort¬ landConcertAssociationpresentsa varietyofperformers,entertainment, andspecialeventsatpricesfrom$5to $37.50.772-8630.

TheMarketplaceRestaurant, Maine Mall,SouthPortland. Ifit’syour birthday youmaywanttovisitthis restaurant, because no matter what youoryourfriendorders,yourmealis free.Inotherwords,youcouldorder the most expensive entree and your friendcouldorderaburger,andthe final bill could be $6 at most. 772-3754.

Boone’s, CustomHouseWharf,Port¬ land. On Friday and Saturday Nights, you will get the lesserpriced entree of two for free. PatronsmustpresentaBoone’stwofor-one coupon to benefit from the bargain.Inadditiontoseafooddishes, Boone’sofferssteak,chicken,pork, andvegetarianentrees.Dinnerprices rangefrom$8.95to$29.95.Agreattra¬ ditional waterfront seafood value. Lobsterandjumboshrimpdishesnot included.ServingPortlandsincebe¬ foretheturnofthecentury.774-5725.

The Trojan Horse, Longfellow Square,675CongressStreet,Portland. On Wednesday evenings, enjoy two entreesforthepriceofoneatPort¬ land’soutstandingGreekrestaurant. Featuring Mediterranean Cuisine as wellasfreshseafoodandsteaks,the TrojanHorseoffersfreeparkingand happilyisjusttwoblocksfromthePor¬ tland Performing Arts Center where youcansnapuphalf-pricerushtickets 10minutesbeforetheshowtocom¬ pleteaperfecteveningatPortland Stage. Bring watches with sweep secondhands.772-9530.

TheTheaterProject,SchoolStreet,Brunswick,willbeoffering2ticketsforS15dealsthrough1991.

Cheverus Dinner Club. Cheverus HighSchool,265OceanAvenue,Port¬ land. Membership in the Cheverus DinnerClubwillentitleyoutoreceive thelesser-pricedentreeoftwoforfree.

Membershipis$30.andmembershave 23restaurantstochoosefrom.Pro¬ ceedsbenefittheschool.774-6238.

Yankee Lanes of Brunswick. Bath Road,Brunswick.From9a.m.to2p.m. on Sundays, you can bowl two games attheregularpriceandgetathird gamefree.That’sasavingsof$2.15for this“threefer-two.”725-2963.

PridesCornerBowling. 33 Elmwood Avenue.Westbrook.Marathonbowlers will appreciate this bargain. From noonto5p.m.onweekdays,youcan bowlasmanygamesasyouwantfor$6 perperson.797-2699.

Maine Mall Cinemas. Maine Mall Road,SouthPortland.Whileevening showsare$6.50each,discountsare availablebypurchasingVIPtickets fromseveralparticipatingconven¬ iencestores. Amato’s, 1108 Broad¬ way,SouthPortland,sellstickets for$4.50each, while1stStopCon¬ venience,29WesternAve.,SouthPor¬ tland,sellsticketsfor$4.75each.Also availableforpurchaseatnearbySizzler onMaineMallRoad(seeAll-You-CanEatstory).774-4509.

Portland Players, SouthPortland. Thistheatergroupentertainssenior citizens and members of nonprofit organizationsfreeofchargeatapre¬ viewnightpriortothenightofaper¬ formance.Acallfordatescanputyou intherightplaceattherighttime. 799-7337.'

Christopher’s Boone’s and Win¬ dows on the Water (Kennebunk) offertwo-for-onecoupons.Callfor information.Alsoseeourall-you-caneatstory'fortheall-you-can-eat2for1 dinnerspecial($9.95)offeredMondav through Thursday at Scarborough’s Dunstan School Restaurant

Village Inn Family Restaurant. Halfway, Saco Avenue. Old Orchard Beach.EverbeentoOOBinwinter?It’s beautiful,boardedup.thought-pro¬ voking.Andnowenjoy2for1dinner specialsat$9.95attheVillageInn. includinghaddock,turkey,pork.ham. scrod, and chicken dinners. Also checkoutthe$2.95luncheonspecials. Thistimeofyear,there’splentyoffree parking.ClosedMondays.934-7370. —CompiledbyMarkKellis

First,shedidtheimpossible:withfouryoungchild¬ renandagrossfamilyincomeof$30,000,sheand herhusbandsaved$47,000insevenyearsonher husband’s$30,000salary,afeatthatenabledher familytobuyamagnificentwhite19thcenturyfarm¬ house.Then,with“thefever”ofthriftgrippingheras wellastherestofherfamilyandmanyneighbor¬ hoodfriends,shestartedTheTightwadGazettein herhometownofLeeds,Maine.Wellreceivedand sixmonthsold,theGazetteelevatestightwaddery intoanartform:bornofnecessity,practicedwith obsession,enjoyedas...sport.Now,withlecturing offersandarecentguestspotonToTellTheTruth tohercredit,AmyDacyczyndescribeshow tightwaddery—andspecificallytrashpicking—has become,forher,awayoflife.

BY AMY D N

OWIDOnothavealengthy andcolorfulcareerasatrash pickerlikesomeexpertswho havedevoteddecadestothiscalling. Infact,priortoayearandahalfagomyback¬ ground was rather skimpy and I can recallonlyafewtimesthatIgaveinto thelureoftheinteresting-lookingtrash

A C Y C Z Y N

pile. FifteenyearsagoIlivedintheBos¬ tonarea.Istrolledinthevicinityofthe gatesofHarvardUniversitywitha visitingaunt.Shehadbeenaveteran citydwellerofamorebohemianera. Wepassedapileofwhatappearedto bediscardedbuildingmaterialsfroma

remodelingproject.Myeyesstrayedto apairofolddecorativeironshelf bracketsstillattachedtoaworthless chunk of board. My aunt, noting my hesitation,said,"Youwantthat?I’llget itforyou.”Andshedid.Itwasmyfirst inklingthatthissortofscavenging couldbe"OK.”

Idon’trecallcommittingtheact againuntilabouttwoyearsago.Atthe timeJimandIwerelivinginasubur¬ banareanearNorfolk,Virginia.Our neighborhadspentthedaycleaning outhergarageandsheds,creatinga hugepileinfrontofherhouse.It appearedtobethefirsttimeshehad donesoinrecentdecades.Pleased withheraccomplishment,shetreated herselftoadinnerout.JimandItook noteofherdepartureanddecidedthat itwastimetotakeoureveningwalk.It wasashortone.Wecamehomewitha cooler,afewtoys,twodozencanning jars,andourlonglostbasketball.

ShortlythereafterJimreceivedchoice orderstotheBrunswickNavalAirSta¬ tionandwewereluckyenoughtogeta governmenthousewhilewelookedfor ahometobuy.OneeveningasIread the Brunswick paper I came upon a remarkableadfor"TheSpringClean¬ ingSeason."(Inotherwords,sancti¬ oned trashpicking.) §

Everyyear,manytownsinMaine,as< wellasafewotherpartsofthecountry,g offeraweekortwowhenresidentscan I u.

putoutgood,repairable,orverylarge items.Theseareleftonthecurbfora weekorso,sothatothersmightpick itemstheymayhaveausefor.The pointofthiseffortistohelpalleviate theproblemofover-burdenedland¬ fills.Additionally,whenitemsare reused,fewergoodsareproducedto replacethatwhichisthrownaway. Therefore world resources are con¬ servedandlesspollutionresults. Naturally,Ifeltitmyobligationtodo mypartfortheenvironment.

Onopeningday,as1revvedthecar ,engineinthedriveway,Jimcameout ;andpointedtoourhalf-filledgarage, iWehadmovedfromalargerhometoa smaller one, and many things were never unpacked. He cautioned me

meforhalfa dozenyearshe wasaware,Iam sure,ofthefutil¬

aboutgettingtoocarriedaway.(Hav¬ ingknownmeforhalfadozenyearshe wasaware,1amsure,ofthefutilityof hisrequest.)

TheBrunswickseasongotofftoa dismalstart.ThefirstdayIcamehome withonlyasmallsuitcase.Butevery fewdaysIwentoutagainandIsensed abuildingmomentum.Inthebegin¬ ningIheededmyhusband’swordsand wascarefultobringhomeonlyvery usefulitems.Butmyincreasingsuc¬ cesssoftenedhisstance.Ibeganto bringhomeitemsthatappearedtobe repairableanddiscoveredJimpos¬ sessedawonderfulabilitytofixalmost anything.LaterIwouldbringhome morechallengingprojectsforhim. Verylittlewasthrownoutagain.

When the Brunswick season over-

ThehouseinLeedsthatthriftbuilt.

lappedwiththeBathseason,aneigh¬ boringtown,Jimwasfullyconverted. UnlikeBrunswick,Bath’sseasonstart¬ edwithabang.Youhadtobeoutthere thefirstweekendtogetthegoodstuff. Jimcamealongforthefirsttime.On thereturntripourfullyloadedsubur¬ banresembledTheBeverlyHillbillies onthemove.

Asidefrompickingupenoughitems

tojamourgaragetocapacityIlearned agreatdeal.

Wefeltitabitweirdtohearour preschool cherubs exclaim, “Yeah, we’regoingtrashpickingtoday!”We quicklysubstitutedthemoreaccepta¬ bleterm“treasurehunting.”

“Whenindoubt,throwitin”became ourmotto.Ifwewereunsurewetookit anyway.Later,ifwedecidednotto

Below:Theauthorsittingamidstasamplingoffoundandrepairedtreasures, includingstove.

keepit,puttingitoutinourtrashwasa simple matter. On one occasion we cameacrossalargeorientalrugneatly foldedinatrashbag.Ratherthan inspectingitonthespottoseeifithad anysalvageableparts,wetookithome. Athomewespreaditonthelawnto discoveritwascompletelyuseless.We foldeditup,putitbackinthebag,and setitonthecurb.Twentyminuteslater a pickup stopped. A man got out, lookedbrieflyattherug,andthen threwitinthebackofthetruckbefore speeding away. I wondered how many times that rug would hopscotch aroundtown.

Therewasagreatvarietyoftypesof peopleinvolvedinpickingupitems. Therewerepoorfamiliesdriving15year-old beaters and yuppies in Volvos.

Asthepeoplevariedsodidtheitems theycollected.Onemantoldushe only collected old motors, another man had a buyer for any complete bicyclesandlawnmowers.Isawan ancientjeepsofullyloadedinsideand ontopwithsmallpiecesofscrapwood thatthepassengerhadtorideonthe runningboardclingingfordearlife. Wecollectedalittleofeverythingfora futureyardsale.

Trash varies from town to town, neighborhood to neighborhood. The springcleaningseasoninacommun¬ itywitholderhomesismorelikelyto yield antiques, whereas a suburban communitywithranchesismorelikely tothrowoutitemsforchildren.Asa generalrule,affluentcommunities havethebesttrash.

We learned that if we found an incompleteitemtopickitup,because another pile may yield the thing needed to make it complete. We broughthomeanexcellentbicyclefor oursonneedingonlyanewseat.The followingdayIwentoutwithawrench andstrippedagoodseatfromahope¬ lesslyrustedbicycle.AFisherPrice record player without records was matched with records from another source. An old bureau was matched with a can of enamel paint from a separatepile.

We learned that a tremendous amountisthrownawaybecausepeople lacktheimaginationtoenvisionwhat

NEVER PAY RETAIL

somethingcouldbe...thatmanyitems would be thrown out for want of a screw.

Ourliveswouldbeforeveralteredby thisperiodofspringcleaningseasons. Sincethenyardsalesandthriftshops palebycomparison.Myconceptoffun tookonawholenewdimension.And maybeafewfriendsquestionedtheir relationshipswithus.

Wehadouryardsale—two,actually. Betweenuswesoldatotalof$200 worthofthingswehadpickedupona curb.Wealsokeptalargepercentage andarestillusingthem.

Iftherearenocommunitiesinyour areawhichholdthistypeofevent,try toinitiateone.Trashpickingatthe dumpisusuallyoutlawed.Ifyouare there and see something you would like,speakwiththedumpcustodian.I knowofoneindividualwhoactually sneaks into the dump off hours. He feelsaneedtorespondtoahigher moral cause. Some dumps have an areaofitemssetasidefreeforthetak¬ ing.Ihaveheardaprimetrash-picking opportunity occurs in June. The dumpstersbehindthedormitoriesof affluentcollegesholdsomewonderful finds.

The most appropriate conclusion forthisarticleisapartiallistingofthe items we brought home: a bucket of mixednails,threeworkingradiocon¬ trolcars,thirtypartlyfullquartsof paint,twotricycles,threefloorlamps includingtwoofa1920svintage,two director’schairs,books,over100can¬ ningjars,threerollsofChristmaswrap, anantiqueceramiccrock,lumber,an antiquebottomlesseggbox(soldasis for$5),alargerocker,plantstands,an ironingboard,afireplacescreen,an antiqueschooldesk,anantiqueiron bedframe,aRubbermaidtrashbarrel, amirrorfromanoldbureau(nowpro¬ viding ambience in our attic), a wooden doll’s high chair, a doll stroller,anapplesaucemill,abroken brassbedwithpiecesmissing(soldas isfor$20),awagon,flowerpots,an exercisemat,astool,$30worthof deposit cans, six unopened cans of pineapplejuice,astapler,ababyback pack,babygates,apottychair,kitchen utensils,andotheritemstoonumer¬ oustomention.

Thefollowingexcerptscomedirectfromthepagesof TheTightwadGazette.Tosubscribetothisentertain¬ ingandinformativenewsletter,send$12alongwith your name and address to The Tightwad Gazette, RR1, Box 3570, Leeds, ME 04263.

"WOOD & OIL

...Thequestionbecomeswheniswoodcheaper thanoil?

Dependingonthevarietyofhardwoodacordof woodequals130to200gallonsofoil.

Fallpricesfordrywoodareabout$120percord, orevenhigherthisyear.Let'ssaythatyoubuywood ofaveragequalityanditproducesthesameheatas 165gallonsofoil.

Tofigurethebreakpointyouneedtocalculate when165gallonsofoilequals$120or...

$120dividedby165equals$.75

...sowhenoilcosts$.75pergallonandwoodis $120percordtheycostthesame..."

"THE STAIN RECIPE

Thisrecipecamefromanexpert,awomanwho ranausedclothingstoreforchildren.

AddonecupofCascadeandonecupofCloroxII toabucketofthehottestwatertocomeoutofyour faucet.Soakseveralarticlesovernightandwashas usual.

Ihavefoundthisremovesabout90%ofthestains thatdonotwashoutwithnormallaundering.

SinceIhavebeenusingthisrecipeIhavebeen farbolderaboutpurchasingusedclothingwithques¬ tionablespots"

"GOALS OF THE TIGHTWAD GAZETTE

Togivetightwadderyagoodname

Toprovidethewidestpossiblesharingofthe tightwadphilosophy

Tobeaclearinghouseoffrugalideasthrough activeparticipationoftightwadseverywhere

Toexplodeallmythswronglyassociatedwith tightwads

Topromotetightwadderyasaviablealternative lifestyle

Toprovidesupporttotightwadswhofeelthey're allaloneoutthere

Togainrecognitionfortightwadsasaminority

Toprovideanincomeforthenewsletter'sauthor whodoesn'twanttogooutandgetarealjob

Todemonstrate,inallsincerity,thatthriftcanhelp familiesofalleconomiclevelsachievetheirfinancial goalsandtohavegreatereconomicfreedom"

"WHAT CAN YOU DO TO GET STARTED?

Themostelementaryexerciseforanyaspiring tightwadistorecordspendinghabitsforaperiodof threemonths.WritedownEVERYTHINGfromthe mortgagepaymenttothecandybaratthecheckout counter.

Allyourexpenseswillbeoneoftwotypes.Essen¬ tialexpensesarethingsthatyouabsolutelycannot cut.Optionalexpensesarenon-essential.For example,yourphonebillhasaminimumservice chargethatyoumustpaytohavetelephoneservice andabreakdownforlongdistancecalls.Theten dollarcalltoyourmotherwasoptional.Yourfoodbill containsitemsnecessaryforbasicnutritionand non-nutritiousitemslikecoffee,candy,andsoda, whichareoptional.

Noonebutyoucansayexactlywheretheline betweenessentialandoptionalexpensesfalls.That dependsonYOURvaluesystem.Thepointisto understand how much youreallyhaveleftoverto playwith.

Ifyoutakehome$20,000andofthat$15,000is alreadyallocatedforessentialexpenses,the$5,000 remainingiswhatyouhaveleftforoptional expenses.Inthatlight,makingasmalladjustmentto save$1,000ayearmakesmoresense.Asyou furtherfinetuneyourspendingyoumayrealizethat only$12,000ofyourtakehomeisactuallyessential andyouhaveevenmoreroomforsavings.

Bytrackingyourspendinginthisway,forthefirst time,youwillhaveatrulyclearpictureofwhereyour moneyisgoingandwhereyourbestoptionsforcut¬ backsare.Itwillalsogiveyouavaluablegaugefor comparisonasyougainsuccessatmanagingyour money."

"THE POPCORN CHALLENGE

...Beingaknowledgeabletightwad,youhave probablyascertainedthatthemicrowavepopcornis farmoreexpensive.Thepackagingboasts12cups ofpopcornperbag.Thisisagrossexaggeration. Fullypopped,the75cbagyieldedonly6cups (12.5cpercup).Traditional"gourmet"popcorncosts 30cperbatchof10cups(3cpercup).Genericpop¬ corncanbepurchasedforaslittleas9cperbatch of9cups(lepercup).

Ifyourfamilypopstwobatchesoftraditional genericpopcornperweek,insteadofpreparingan equivalentamountofmicrowavepopcorn,youwill savenearly$100.00overthecourseoftheyear..."

"PIGGY BACK POSTAGE

Tosaveonpostage,formaneighborhoodgroup touseacommonenvelopeandstamptomailbills. Inourneighborhoodallthetelephonebillsaredue onthe4th,waterbillsonthe10th,etc.Whenthree neighborscombinetheirbillswithafourthneighbor, $.75issaved.Thisisnotabigsavings,especially whendividedupbyseveralfamilies,butitcanfoster aspiritof"communitytightwaddery"

"DRYER LINT

Myneighborandorganicgardeningexpertwas outforhereveningstrollwhenIboundeddownto theroadwithabreathlessquery,"Canyoucompost dryerlint?!"Herofficialanswerisyes,ifthelintis fromcottonmaterial.Syntheticlintcanbecom¬ postedforflowergardenuse."

"...WINNING IDEA

Theenveloperecycling...(is)wasinteresting.I hadn'tthoughtofthat,butIdohavearecycling methodforbusinessreplyenvelopes.Justinsert tableknifeorotherthinobject,separatewhereit's glued,turninsideout,andreglue.Tosealjustlick theflap,tuckinsideandpressdownwell.

"HOMEMADE SHAKE & BAKE

Thisrecipeequals20storepacketsat25%ofthe price.

4cupsflour

4cupscrackermeal(orground inexpensivecrackers) 4tablespoonssalt 2tablespoonssugar

2teaspoonsgarlicpowder 2teaspoonsonionpowder 3tablespoonspaprika '/«cupvegetableoil

"10 PAINLESS WAYS TO SAVE

$100 THIS YEAR

1 Purchase10articlesofclothingatthriftshops andtagsalesthisyearinsteadofpayingdepartment storeprices.

2 Hangfourloadsoflaundryperweekinsteadof usingyourdryer.

3 Onceamonthmakeapizzafromscratch insteadofhavingonedelivered.

4 Writeagoodletterinsteadofmakingamonthly longdistancephonecall.

5Reduceyoursodaconsumptionbyfourcansper week.

6Bakeonebatchofbread(twoloaves)perweek.

7 Save$50eachontwochildren'sbirthdayparties bymakinghomemadedecorations,cake,wrapping paper,andonepresent.

8Reduceyoursmokingbythreecigarettesper day.

9 Reduceyourwholemilkconsumptionbytwogal¬ lonsperweekbysubstitutingdrymilkincooking, homemadecocoamixandinhalfandhalffor drinking.

10Packfourinexpensiveschoollunchesper week."

KEEP YOUR EARS PEELED.

There’sanentirelynewformofenergy takingshapeintheskiesoverSouthernMaine. Itsfuelismusic. Itsessenceislight. ItsnameisStar94.3. Themostpowerfulsourceofbrightrock betweenPortlandandPortsmouth. Destinedtoreshapethelisteninghabitsof anentireregion.

TuneyourFMdialto94.3. Andkeepyourairwavesopen.

N® N RECENT years “stereotypes” has become a bad word. NowaIdaysitisn'tacceptabletolump peopletogetherintogroupsforpur¬ posesofidentificationordiscussion. Fortunately,thereisnotyetapenalty fordoingso,becauseitisobviously impossibletothink,talk,orwrite clearlyaboutanythingoranyonewith¬ out a general agreement on what words mean.

Withthatcuriousbutfashionablebit ofnonsenseoutoftheway,let’sthrow outafewwordsandseewhichofour friends,neighbors,andrelativescome tomind: conman,shyster,skinflint, miser,mean,cheap,stingy,tight,close, prettysnug,prettycareful,conserva¬ tive,thrifty.

Although I discussed each one of thesewordswithoveradozenfriends, no two could agree on exactly what eachwordmeant.Alittleofthecon mancouldbefoundintheshysterand alittleoftheshysterintheskinflint,but aconmanisdefinitelynotaskinflint, andsoon.Anattempttoreducethe problemtologicbytheuseofEuler’s circles(seeFig.1,page31)madea simplemattersoconfusingthatthe method will probably be adopted by theMaineStateDepartmentofEduca¬ tioninpresentingallfutureprograms.

LUCIDATION by example, al। X though interesting and educational,wasn’tabitmorehelpful. FredaMeredith,fromPeacemealFarm upinDixfield,tellsofaMrs.Parsons whocametoneighborRobinson’sfor tea.Uponleaving,shecomplimented :thecookiesandadmittedthatshehad eatenfour.Hergracioushostessre-

presents

Famous Maine Skinflints

and their endearing qualities.

plied,“Youhadfive—butwho’scount¬ ing?”

AlthougheveryoneinMaineisable tofindacopyofneighborRobinson amongfriends,categorizingher(or him)ismoredifficult.Noteventhe Cookie Monster would accuse Mrs. Robinsonofbeingaskinflint,butsome peoplepolledsaidshemustbepretty tight(whichstilldoesn’tsoundvery nice)whileothersofussimplychuck¬ ledandobservedthatshe’sprobablya bitsnug.

Thereisasimplelessonherewhich IcallSkoglund’sFirstLaw,anditcan bewrittenthus:Ifitsoundslike somethingwemightdoourselves,it can’tbeallthatbad.

JulianRubensteintellsofaman near Rockland who made money by buyingandthensellingoldhouses afterimprovingthem.Theimprove¬ mentsconsistedofelectricaloutlets withnowiresleadingtothem,thesixfoottopofadrilledwellcasingpoked

Indulge in the luxurious splendor of Maine’s Historic castle overlooking the sea. Graciously decorated with antiques, each charming bedroom hasaprivatebath; some have fireplaces, some have harbor views. Norumbega is open year round and is the perfect setting for romantic weekends, elegant weddings, and small meetings and seminars.

Norumbega is on the National

by the Sea"Mystery Weekends

intheground,andsimilarinnovations thatwereuniqueatthetime.Iasked Julianifhewouldcallthefellowa skinflint or con man. Julian said, “Neither.Hewasabanker.”

Therearetoomanyapocryphalstor¬ ies circulating about mean Maine people—who always lived in a town wherethetellerdidn’tknowasoul.A youngreporterfromPortlandwentto visitawealthyoldfarmerinGorham justtoaskhimhowhehadmanagedto becomesorichfarmingsucharocky pieceofground.Thefarmersaidthatit wasalongstoryandthathemightas wellputoutthecandlewhilehetoldit. Thereportersaid,“Nevermind.Isee how you did it.” MPBN commentator SidMcKeensaysthestingiestmanhe everheardoflivedinCapeElizabeth. Thisfellowwouldgivehiskidsaquar¬ terifthey’dgotobedwithoutany supper.Thenhe'dcreepupstairsinthe nightandstealitback.Inthemorning he’dmakethemallgowithoutbreak¬ fastaspunishmentforlosingtheir money.

Anyonewhopausesheretoreflect realizesthatthisstorycannotpossibly betrue.Hadthisskinflinteveractually livedinCapeElizabeth,hewouldhave appeared as a character in one of CarolynChute’snovelsyearsago. Truthismoreinterestingthanfic¬ tion.Backbeforethedaysofsuper glue,aMrs.HupperinPortClydesaved allherbrokencoffeecuphandlesin the sugar bowl. Anyone wanting a spoonful of sugar had to scrape, scratch,anddigforitamongthecup handles.“Stingy”comesimmediately tomind,or“meanerthanturkeyturd tea.”NotevenbyanactofChristian charitycouldMrs.Hupperbecounted amongthethriftyorprettysnug,but, conversely,bynostretchingofthe imaginationcouldshebeconsidereda skinflint.Askinflintwouldhavepul¬ verizedthehandleswithmortarand pestleandservedthat.

Fortheskinflintpursuesmaterial gainwithoutregardtowhathappensto others.Withinhislegalrights,heisthe amoral, moustached villain of the popularoldmelodramas:“I’vecome fortherent.Akiss,myprettyone,orit’s outintothesnowwithyou.”(Boos. Cueforstagehandstodumpabushel

ofshreddedpapersnowonhisblack cape.) The only people who come closetothispersonatodayrunto¬ bacco companies.

Maineskinflintsarenowasscarce ashard-shelledlobstersinshedding season.Shouldoneexist,bynowheor shewouldcertainlyhavebeentracked downandpaidwelltoberidiculedby OprahWinfrey’sstudioaudience.For betterorworse,weareinanewera.My extensiveresearchindicatesthatthe Maineskinflintwasactuallylegislated outofexistence.EventhehardtimesthatpushedanoccasionalMainiacpastthe pointofnecessarythrifttoskinflintismwereforgottenlongago.Unfortunately,toget ushere,well-meaninglegislatorspassedlawsthatsimplyshiftedthevillainous

Authentic Maine skinflints are now as scarce as hard-shelled lobsters

in shedding season.

Consider the case of Myron Hupper’s great grandfather, who fished out of Port Clyde over a hundred years ago...

landlord’sshoestohistenant’sfeet,fortodaypropertyownersarelegallyhindered fromevictingeventhosetenantswhobreakdownwallsandfailtopayrent.Andany ingenuouslandlordwhowhispered,“Akiss,myprettyone...”wouldsoonseethe tenantowningthebuildingandthelawyershissoul.

I\f0BESURE,agropingforlawsthatwillprotectthepublicfromskinflintswill 'llprobablyalwaysbenecessary.ConsiderthecaseofMyronHupper’sgreat Igrandfather,whofishedoutofPortClydeoverahundredyearsago.Forsome reasonorotherhewasn’tabletogetarackofdriedfishtomarketwhenhewanted to,andoncetheyturnedblacknoamountofscrubbingwouldgetthemclean.

Great-grandfatherHupperhadnocho¬ ice:itwaseitherthrowawayaweek’s catchorwhitewasheachoneandsell thewholebusinessinPortland.

“Brother” Cline, who runs a sawmill over in Spruce Head, says that when his great¬ grandmother Ben¬ nett cleaned out the cupboards each spring she’d swal¬ low any medicine that was left so’s nottowasteit.

“Brother”Cline,whorunsasawmill overinSpruceHead,saysthatwhen his great-grandmother Bennett cleanedoutthecupboardseachspring she’dswallowanymedicinethatwas leftso’snottowasteit.Probablycon¬ siderednomorethanpracticalinher day,Brotheradmitsshewasabitsnug. To appreciate the extent of great¬ grandmotherBennett’ssuffering,one shouldrememberthatbackthenmost popularmedicineswereblack,gooey, and85-percentalcohol.

Whilediscussingdegreesofthrift, BrotherClinesaidthatafrugalman willborrowatoolifheneedsitoneor twotimes—askinflintcontinuestogo borrowit.Icouldn’tagreewithhis definition,forifClineisright,the numberofskinflintsinMainewould closelycorrespondtothenumberof brother-in-laws.Ininnumerabledoc¬ umentedcasestoolshavebeenbor¬ rowedsomanytimesthattheborrower actuallyassumesanauraofpropietorship.Ineachinstancethevictimized ownerfeelsguiltyeverytimehedrives sixmilestoaskifhecan“borrow”it back.

“None of the old-timers threw moneyaway,”oneofBrother’sfisher¬ man neighbors observed. “Oh, you readaboutpeopletodaywhostarve themselves to death who have for-

tunes, but I don’t know any place betweenWileysCornerandSealHar¬ borwhereIcouldn’tpullrightuptothe tableandgetsomethingtoeatand thenstaythereinabedforthenight.” ButthenmostanyoneinMainewould talk about their neighborhood the same way.

ThingsarenodifferenthereinSt. George than they are in Buxton or Jonesport. When you enjoy working 365daysayearandgowithoutthings thateveryoneelsehas—justforthefun ofsaltingawaycashandwatchingthe pilegrow—you’reconsideredpretty

prettysnug.Noonelooks close,or downonyouastheywouldifyouwere cheap,mean,oreventight,butit’s generallyagreedyou’reoperatingwell theothersideofthrift(seeFig.1). From time to time your neighbors speculateon“who’sgoingtogetit someday.”Imentionnonamesofmy friendsinthiscategoryasthereis

I couldn’t agree with his definition, for if Cline is right, the number of skinflints in Maine would closely cor¬ respond to the number of brother-in-laws,

alwaysjustthatchance...

Maine Thrifty Hall of Fame DrJonathanFisher,b.1768Graduated fromHarvard,1792.Preacher.Generouslydonatedfundstomanycharitiesandtoother humanitarianactivitiesathisCongregationalChurchatBlueHill,butwassosnughe astonishedonlookersbyroutinelycoveringthe40milesfromBlueHilltoBangorTheolog¬ icalSeminaryonshank'smarefortrusteemeetings.Oncehoofeditallthewayto Massachusettstosavemoneyduringabusinessjunket.Tosavepaperaswellastime, Fisher,abrilliantartistandinnovator,dreamedupauniquepersonalshorthandwhichhe latercredited(whilesoakinghisfeet,nodoubt)withsavinghimyearsinfreetimeand nearly$100inunused,unmarkedwritingpaper.AnotherFishermoneysavingscheme: theprototypeofaMainesewingmachinepoweredbywind. FormoreFisherstories,seehisbiographyin“FacesofMaine,"byBobNiss.

Mybrother,Jim,makesitahabitto patronize local tradesmen who are reputedlyprettysnugbecause,asJim claims, knowing how much paying hurts,theirpricesarethelowestyou’ll findanywhere.Bykeepinghiseyes open Jim has earned a considerable localreputationasonewhoappre¬ ciatesvalue.Heoncefoundacold,wet fishahawkhaddroppedbythesideof theroad,andgotthreemealsoutofit. ShoppingonaregularbasisatHall’s marketinTenantsHarbor,he’dalways buyafewsimplethingsforhimselfand threecansofcatfoodforhisworthless oldtomcat.Onedayhewalkedinthere andsaidtoVirginiaWall,whoworked behind the counter, “This week my grocerybillhasbeencutinhalf—my tomcatdied.”

Virginia’seyesbuggedrightoutas shereplied,“Howwasit?”

—ByRobertSkoglund

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TheBoxOfficeatPortlandStage.

PortlandPlayers,ThaxterTheater,SouthPortland.ThePlayerspres¬ entNunsense January25toFebruary16. Thescorepulseswith merrimentandanunabasheddesiretomakeyoulaugh.Comic interludes,pacedatabreakneckspeed,willhaveeveryonerollingin theaisles.Curtainisat8p.m.,FridayandSaturday;2:30p.m.onthe firstSunday;and7p.m.onSundaysthereafter.799-7337.

PortlandLyricTheater,176SawyerStreet,SouthPortland.Comesee MyOneandOnly, featuringtoe-tappingtunesbyGeorgeGershwin andastoryaboutaviators,aquacades,amorousanimosity,and antsyanarchists.February15-16,withmatineeonFebruary17;Feb¬ ruary22-23,withmatineeonFebruary24,andMarchl-2,with matineeonMarch3.799-6509.

January: Oh Dad, Poor Dad, Mama’s Hung You in the Closet andI’mFeelingSoSad.

February: The Gin Game.Curtaintime isat8p.m.forevenings,TuesdaythroughSunday.Call(603) 749-3996fordetails.

HackmatackPlayhouse,CochecoFalls,MainStreet,Dover,N.H.

MadHorseTheaterCompany,955ForestAvenue,Portland.February 7-March3,it's Reckless byCraigLucas.Performanceswillbe ThursdaythroughSaturdayat8p.m;Sundayat7p.m.Ticketsare$14 and$10.ForreservationswriteMadHorseatP.O.Box9715-343, Portland,ME04101.797-3338.

PenobscotTheaterCompany,183MaineStreet,Bangor. Little MurdersbyJulesFeifferplaysthrough January11-26. Tobacco Roadplaysfrom February1through16.February22-March9:SteiglitzLovesO’Keeffe.Forticketscall942—3333.

TheTheaterProject,SchoolStreet,Bruns¬ wick,ME04011.Don’tmissTheTheater Project’sfirstmusicalventure, Jacques Brel,thecabaretmusicalaboutlifeand loveanddisappointmentandhappiness. ByJacquesBrel,theFrenchcafecomposer andchanteur. ThroughJanuary20. Next, thecompanypresentsIrmaYep,byCha¬ rlesLudlam, January31-February10. Twoactorsplaysixpartsinthishilarious satireofgothicstoriesand“pennydread¬ fuls.”OriginatedatLudlam’sRidiculous TheaterCompanyinNewYork,whereit wonanObieAward,Irma Yepwillkeep youwarmwithlaughterthiswinter.Thurs¬ day-Saturday,8p.m.,andSunday,at2p.m. Ticketsare$10,studentsandseniorciti¬ zens$8.729—8584.

PortlandStageCompany,PortlandPer¬ formingArtsCenter— ThroughJanuary 20-. MissJuliebyAugustStrindberg.Janu¬ ary29-February17: LadyDayatEmer¬ son’sBar&Grill, byLanieRobertson.A movingmusicalportraitofthegreatBillie Holiday. Mirandolina, byCarloGoldoni appearsMarch5-March24.Forticket informationcall774-0465.

ChocolateChurch,The Fantasticks—an offBroadwaymusicalDirectedbyPriscilla Montgomery,CurtisLittleTheater.February 22-24;MarchI-3,8-10.FridayandSaturday at8p.m.;Sundayat3p.m.443-3828.

CafeNoirattheBaker’sTable,434Fore Street,Portland. MysteryDinnerTheater every Friday and Saturday evening throughFebruary. Interactivedinner theaterwithaudienceparticipation.Doors openat7;showat7:30.$29.95perperson. 883-1035.

BatesCollegeConcertSeries,OlinArts Center,Lewistonpresents Malcom Bil¬ son,fortepianoonFriday January18 at theOlinConcertHall.Withtherecent completionofhishighlypraisedrecorded cycleoftheMozartpianoconcerti,Malcom Bilsonconfirmedhisstatureasthefore¬ mostfortepianistofourtime.Inrecent years he has expanded his reper¬ toirewellintothenineteenthcentury,and hisBatesrecital,includingSchubertIm¬ promptus,Beethoven’sSonataop.110, Chopinwaltzes,andSchumann’sFantasiestucke,willofferarareopportunityto hearamasterperformtheseworksonthe typeofinstrumentforwhichtheywere composed.8p.m.Tickets:$8general,$5 seniors,$3students.786-6135.

BowdoinCollegeDepartmentofMusic, Brunswick,presentsit’sConcert Series featuringArthurGreene,pianist.Program includes classical works by Handel,

GUEST HOUSE

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Mozart,Beethoven,andBrahms. January 23 7:30p.m.,KresgeAuditorium,Visual ArtsCenter.$10public,$8seniorcitizens, freewithBowdoinI.D.

LAArts,February9,1991,2p.m.HighStreet Church.Classicdoo-wop,yourfavoritepop tunes,andsomemusicalsurprises—the Moonbeamsblendtheirfourvoiceswith warmth,humorandatouchoftheunex¬ pected.Afeastfortheears.Saturday,March 16,LewistonJuniorHighSchool.Enjoythe irresistiblecharmof French-Canadian songsperformedbyAndreMarchand,for¬ merlywithLaBottineSouriante,withNor¬ mandMiron,thespirited“houseparty” dancemusicofNovaScotia’sLesTymeux delaBaie,andtheFrench-Scottishvirtuos¬ ityofoneofthenortheasternmaritime region’smostfamedfiddlers,JoeCormier! 782-7228.

BatesCollegeConcertSeries.Sunday,Feb¬ ruary10,3p.m.,OlinConcertHall:Bothon theconcertstageandinhisrecordings, JoshuaBell,stillinhismid-twenties,has garneredaninternationalarrayofcritical superlativestolastanentirecareer.“Heis clearlygoingtobeoneofthehandfulof trulygreatviolinistsofthiscentury.” (DetroitFreePress).OnFriday,April5,it’s The Theatre of Voices, PaulHillier, director.PerformedattheBatesCollege Chapel,8p.m.InrecentyearsPaulHillier hasbecomecloselyidentifiedwiththe musicofEstoniancomposerArvoPartand hasconductedmanyperformancesofhis St.JohnPassion,includingarecording whichreceivedinternationalcriticalac¬ claimandwasrecentlyawardedtheEdison Prize.Part,whosemusictheNewYork Timeshasdescribedashavinga"shimmeringlymystical,devotionalquality,”has beencommissionedtowriteanewsetting oftheMass.Thisnewwork,togetherwith othervocalandorganworksbyPart,will provideanunforgettablemusicalexper¬ ience.

ColbyCollege,LorimerChapel,Waterville. Concertwith The Occasional Chorale. DirectedbyMaryRector.872-3192.

ChocolateChurch,Bath.The1991perfor¬ manceseasonsbeginsonJanuary12atthe ChocolateChurch,featuring Livingston Taylor.OnJanuary25,RickCharette& the Bubblegum Bandcometoperform; February2it’sFrankVignola&theHot ClubQuintettes,acontemporaryacous¬ ticjazzensemble.OnFebruary9,theOra¬ torioChorale presentsInvitationtothe Dance,directedbyPeterFrewen.Finally, onMarch16it’stheBangor Symphony Orchestra & Tim Sample. Directedby LeonardWernerTorkanowsky.Forshow¬ timesandfurtherinformation,call4433828.

JoanWhitneyPaysonGalleryofArt,West¬ brookCollege,716StevensAvenue. Im¬ pressionism: Selections from the Colby College Art Museum and the Joan Whitney Payson Gallery of Art Collections, throughFebruary17 The collectionsofthesetwoprivateMainecol|legemuseumsareespeciallyrichinFrench IandAmericanImpressionistpaintings. FeaturingworksbyAmericanartistsWil¬ liam Merrit Chase, Childe Hassam, Theodore Robinson andFrenchartists Edgar Degas, Claude Monet, and Pi¬ erre Auguste Renoir, among others. March2-April21.1991.Selectionsfromthe PermanentCollectionThegallery'ssuperb collection,whichhasearnedittheappella¬ tion"thelittlejewelbox,"featuresworksby Degas.Renoir,Klee,Whistler,andPren¬ dergast.Thisexhibitionalsoincludes manyspecialloanstothegallery';among themareworksbyMonet,Picasso,Gau¬ guin.Ingres,andStuart.March2-April21; NancyFried’salmostlife-sizeceramic sculpturesareaboutvulnerabilityandloss. Herowncancerwastheimpetusforthese honestfiguralworksaboutpain,disfig¬ urement.andtruth.Thesepiecesarenot merelyunsettlingandsad,theyarealso startlinglypowerfulintheiruniversalmes¬ sageandtheirspirituality.Recallingprehis¬ toricandclassicalimagery,these“explora¬ tionsofunclaimedterritory"aredonewith “intelligence,emotion,andwit” (Arts Magazine} Tuesdays,Wednesdays.Fri¬ days:10a.m.-4p.m.,Thursdays:IOa.m.-9 p.m.,SaturdaysandSundays:Ip.m.-5p.m. Closedholidaysandbetweenexhibits. 797-9546.

BowdoinCollegeMuseumofArt,Walker ArtBuilding.Brunswick.Twentieth-Cen¬ turyArt fromtheCollections through I March31. Puzzling Prints through| January20

The Hand-held Camera, January22-March3. Peary-Macmillan Arctic Museum, Hubbard Hall, Arctic Acquisitions ’89-’9O. Hours for both I museums: Tuesday-Saturday, 10 a.m. to5p.m.Sunday2-5p.m.725-3003.

GreenhutGalleries,146MiddleStreet,Port¬ land. Original artwork by Jane Dahmen, Connie Hayes, Glenn Renell, Duncan Slade, Anne Gresinger, Tho¬ mas Connolly, Mark McKenzie and manyothers.Monday-Saturday:10:30a.m.5:30 p.m. I

YorkInstituteMuseum.371MainStreet.I Saco,04072.Close-Ups. Photographsof BiddefordandSaco.1880-1915. Through February21. 282-3031.

UniversityofNewEngland,Biddeford.An|

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AugustaCivicCenter,UniversityDrive,| Augusta.Thefirstannual Come See Maine Trade Show. Over100exhibi¬ torswithdisplayspromotingMaine establishments,services,products, propertiesandevents. January 26 128p.m., January27 9-5p.m.772-1457.

Maine Products Trade Show, March 17-19attheCumberlandCountyCivicCenterinPortland.Thetradeshow highlightsthefinestexamplesoftradi¬ tional and contemporary products fromavarietyofMainemanufacturers. Lastyear’sshowattracted2,000spec¬ tatorsfromalloverNewEnglandand fromasfarawayasCalifornia.Repres¬ enting specialty shops, department । stores,giftboutiques,executivegift। services,fooddistributors,andgour¬ met shops. For information, call 780-4420.

RamIslandDance,25AForestAvenue, Portland. A nine-week session of Dance Access workshopsforchild¬ renaged6-14isofferedJanuary7March20.DanceAccessimmediatelyen¬ gagesstudentsincreatingdances, utilizingskills,andintereststhey alreadyhave.Otherchildren'sclasses arealsoofferedinBallet.Modern Dance. Creative Movement, and Tap Dance.Forfurtherinformation,call 773-2562.

TheChildren’sMuseumofMaine,746 StevensAvenue,Portland.Agrowing, entertaining museum for vounger children.797-5483.

Maine Audubon Society. Gilsland Farm, 118 U.S. Route 1. Falmouth 04105. Winter Ecology Walks for groupsofallageswillbeofferedfrom Tuesday,January8,throughFriday, March29,1991.Thewalksarecon¬ ducted at the 60-acre Gilsland Farmsanctuary,headquartersofthe society.Schoolgroups,scouttroops, neighborhoodgroups,seniorcitizens, andothersareinvitedtomakereserva¬ tions.Eachwalkintroducespartici¬ pants to the many ways plants and animalsprepareforthewinter.The outdoortourisfollowedbyindoor activitiesthatreinforceconceptspres¬ entedduringthewalk.781-2330.

PortlandSchoolofArt,97SpringStreet, Portland,Me.04101.The Continuing Studies Department offersevening, daytime and weekend courses for adultsinPhotography,Jewelryand Metalsmithing, Woodworking, Land-

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IOneofthearea'sbest Itwo-for-onebargainscanbe hadatthetrackatScarbo|roughDownsthiswinter, andit'sagreatdealthat mergesdiningandenter¬ tainment.Forjust$10.95on ThursdayandFridaynights, thistwo-for-oneletstwo peoplechoosefromthree dinneroptions(fish, chicken,orbeef)atThe DownsClubrestaurantwhile viewingexcitingSimulcast Ihorseracingonclosedcir¬ cuitscreens.Reservations 1accepted,aswellasMasterCard,Visa,andAmerican Express.(207)883-4331.

scape Design, Ceramics, Sculpture. :Printmaking,GraphicDesign,Painting, Drawing,FabricDesign,Writing,Visual Studies,andmore.ClassesstartFebruary4, |andrangefromfreeofferingsto2credit costs.Saturdayclassesalsoavailablefor highschoolandjuniorhighschoolstu¬ dents.775-3052.

ColbyCollege.Waterville,presentsa Debate on Welfare and Poverty between Deana Pearce, of the Wider OpportunitiesforWomenCommission,and LarryMead,ofNewYorkUniversityDept,of PoliticalScienceat7p.m.onJanuary10. Prof.MeadwillalsobelecturingonPov¬ erty and Realignment at4p.m.onthat date.TheGovernmentdepartmentpresientsaForumontheMiddleEast.lamian, I14at7p.m.Colbv.PerformingArtspresents Reading the BookJanuary15&16at8 p.m.APublicPolicyForumon Global Warming withGeorgeMitchell,U.S. SenateMajorityLeader;Dr.ThomasLove¬ joy,SmithsonianInstitute;andDr.Noewl IBrown,UnitedNationsEnviornmentPro|gram;willbeheldonJanuary20.at7:30.On January21,therewillbeaMartinLuther King Jr. Commemoration,includingpre¬ sentationsbystudentsandAldonMorris, ProfessorofSociology,UniversityofChi¬ cago,at7:30p.m.OnJanuary24,therewill bealecturewithMalikEdwardsonMinori¬ tiesandWarParticipation:VietNam IandtheCurrentMiddleEastCrisesat7p.m.

Hackmatack Repertory

Presents Fourth Season 1990-91 At Cocheco Falls, Main Street, Dover, NH (603)749-3996

January:

Oh Dad. Poor Dad Mama's Hung You In The Closet. And I'm Feeling So Sad February: The Gin Game

March: Macbeth

April: The Musical Comedy Murders of 1940 May: Oil City Symphony Reserve Now!

Matinee Seasons: $45; Budget Seasons: $65; Regular Seasons: $75; Patron Sea¬ sons: $100

Mall to Hackmatack Playhouse. Route 9. Berwick. Mame 03901 DENZELWASHINGTON-SPIKELEE a

Portland Symphony, 30MyrtleStreet, Portland.OnJanuary8,violinistCho-Liang LinwillperformTchaikovsky'sViolinCon¬ certowiththePortlandSymphonyOrches¬ traal7:45p.m.inPortlandCityHallAudito¬ rium.Theorchestrawillalsoperform Barlx'r’sMedea'sMeditationandSilx>lius'Sym¬ phonyNo.5.Afreeconcertpreviewwillbe presentedintheauditoriumat6:30p.m. Ticketsare$10.$16,$21.$25,and$28.On January13.thePortlandSymphonyCham¬ berOrchestrawillperformFame'sPelleas etMelisande,Respighi’sTheBirds,Strauss' KrapfenwaklPolka,andIbert'sConcertino daCamera,featuringKennethRadnofsky. saxophonist,at2and6p.mintheEastland BallroomofPortland'sSonestaHotel. Ticketsare$17.Monday,January’14.and Tuesday.January15;"MusicforKingsand Queens,"youthconcertsforstudentsin grades3-6,willbeperformedbythePort¬ landSymphonyOrchestraat9:30and11:00 a.m.inPortlandCityHallAuditorium. MusicwillincludeHandel'sWaterMusic Suite,aswellasworksbyMouretand Charpentier.Ticketsare$2.January’22:The Women’sCommitteeofthePortlandSym¬ phonyOrchestrawillholdanAuthor's LuncheonattheHolidayInnbytheBayin Portlandat11:30a.m.Guestspeakerswill

beClaudiaBepkoandJo-AnnKresten, authorsof“TooGoodforHerOwnGood: BreakingFreefromtheBurdenofFemale Responsibility.”Reservationsare$25.Jan¬ uary28:PSOmusicdirectorandconductor ToshiyukiShimadawillspeakatanoon¬ timeluncheon,sponsoredbyOvation,at Raphael’sinPortland’sOldPort.Shimada willdiscussBerlioz’sSymphonieFantastique,whichwillbeperformedbythePSO onTuesday,January29.Lunch/lectureis $10forOvationmembersand$12.50for non-members.OnTuesday,January29, classicalguitaristKazuhitoHamashitawill performRodrigo’sFantasiaparaunGentilhombrewiththePortlandSymphonyOr¬ chestraat7:45p.m.inPortlandCityHall Auditorium.Theorchestrawillalsoper¬ form Harbison’s Remembering Gatsby (FoxtrotforOrchestra)andBerlioz’sSym¬ phonieFantastique.Ticketsare$10,$16, $21,$25,and$28.Afreeconcertpreview willbepresentedat6:30p.m.intheaudito¬ rium.February4:Awoodwindensemble fromthePortlandSymphonyOrchestrawill perform“FollowtheLeader,”Kinderkonzertsforchildrenages3-7,atBonnyEagle HighSchool,WestBuxton,9:30,10:30,and 11:30a.m.Ticketsare$2.Theensemble travelstotheFirstParishChurchinBruns¬ wickonFebruary5andKennebunkHigh SchoolonFebruary7.CallthePSOfor detailsontheseKinderkonzerts.OnSun¬ day,February10,anall-Mozartconcertwill beperformedbythePortlandSymphony ChamberOrchestraat2and6p.minthe EastlandBallroomofPortland’sSonesta Hotel.PSOprincipaloboistNeilBoyerwill bethefeaturedsoloistinMozart’sOboe Concerto.Theorchestrawillalsoperform theOverturefromDonGiovanni,Eine KleineNachtmusik,andSymphonyNo.41 (“Jupiter”).Ticketsare$17.773-6128.

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Comparative Zoology

New Fiction By Mameve Medwed

TWO THINGS VICKY JAMES HATED aboveallelse:buyingadressforan occasionandgettingherhairdone.For thelastsevenyearsshehadmostly managed Io avoid both. She was twenty-six and halfway toward her Ph.DinVictorianarchitecturalhistory. RomanticRevivalism:AnimalMotifs wastheworkingtitleofherdissertation. Andalthoughshecravedascholarly life,hersemestersatvariouscam¬ pusesseemedtocirclealarminglylike linksonanunbrokenchain.Summers, ben|overcardcataloguesinivied librariesortrappedinthemazeof open stacks, she did research for department heads. She wore jeans almosteveryday,herhairclumped backwithaleatherthong.Inhercloset, however,hungapairofgoodskirts— gray and navy blue—and a series of tailored silk blouses her mother mailedonceayearfromPortland,Me. with a Happy Birthday card. These borethe \a\AeExecutiveMs. whoselet¬ ters shaped the illuminated manu¬ scriptofhermother’shopes."TheMBA issomuchmorepracticalthanthe Ph.D,"hermotherwouldcounsel.That her mother refused to promote the MRS the way most of her friends’ mothersdid,Vickyfoundasolace. “There’llbeplentyoftimeformen,” lecturedhermother,marriedateight¬ een,widowedattwenty-one.“Concen¬ trateonyourcareer.”

Under these circumstances: her limitedwardrobe,herinsulatedaca¬

demic life, her mother’s coaching, Vicky was somewhat surprised to acquireaboyfriend.

"Frankly, I’m notsurprised,”her motherhadconcededoverthephone. “Well,whatdoeshedo?

“Zoology.He’sworkingonhisde¬ gree.”

“Babesinthewoods,"hermother said.

“He'sEnglish.Eccentric.”

“Maddogs...”hermothersighed. "Name’sVictor.”

“Well,then.”

VICKY MET VICTOR two weeks before inthecashregisterlineatCVS."What isthedifference,"hehadaskedturning infrontofher,“betweenWintergreen andCryst-o-mint?”Eachfistthrustfor¬ wardatubeofLifesaverslikeabegging bowl.

“Idon’tknow,”Vickysaid.“They’re probablyprettymuchthesame."

“Theremustbeadifference.Adis¬ tinct,ifsubtleone,"Victorlookedfrom handtohand.TheagonyofSolomon crunchedhisface.

"Whynotgetboth,”shesuggested.

HeflashedheraJack-o-Lanterngrin ofcrookedteeth.“HowveryAmerican! Howabsolutelyright!”

Purchases made, they compared flavors.“LikeThePepsiChallenge,” Victorexplained.

“IprefertheCryst-o-mints.”

“My sentiments exactly.” Victor paused.Alifesaverembossedan0at

thesideofeachcheek.“Funnythat, youknow,welookalike.”

“Imagine,”Vickynodded.Theywere bothfair,small-boned,grey-eyedwith longthinfacesandnosesthatveered justslightlyoffcourse.

“Though you, of course, have smashing teeth.” He extended his hand.“VictorJameson.”

“VickyJames!”

“Thatsettlesit,then.”

HEPROPOSEDTOHERinhisofficeat theMuseumofComparativeZoology. Toreachit,theyclimbedacoilofstairs andpassedthroughthreesetsofdou¬ bledoors.“Mindthesmell,”Victor warnedslidingbackthefinalbolt.

“Phew,”Vickysaidandcoveredher nose. She thought of eighth grade BiologyclassinPortland,thescarred tables,thejarsofformaldehyde,the froggyeyesofMissMorris.“Phew,”she saidagain.Sheunderstoodwhatthe Victorianshadmeantbyassaultson theirnostrils.Thissmellhitlikea punch:dust,camphor,chemicals,and something else. Yet the room was empty, hushed. The sun slanted throughwidewindowsontoarippled oak floor and striped the wooden cabinetsstackedinrows.

"Myself,1hardlysmellitanymore,” Victorsaid.“Thespeciesadapts.Take deepbreaths.”

Butwhere’sitcomingfrom?”Vicky asked,breathingthroughhermouth.

“Aha,”Victorflungopentheshut¬ teredcabinetstorevealbanksoflong woodendrawerslikethekindarchi¬ tectskeeptheirblueprintsin. “Ecce not quite homo.” Heslidoutthedrawers, firstone,thenanother,thenanother. Eachdrawer,onitsrustedball-bearing, squakedinadifferentregister.The roomresonatedlikeanaviary.

“Marvelous,no?”Victorswepthis arm around, a king measuring the boundariesofhisdomain.

Vickylooked.“Oh,dear,”shesaid. Ineachdrawerlaydozensofmonkeys, allsizes,allcolors:red-furredtopalest tan.Theirtailscurledandtangled: sometailsthrustabovethetopofthe drawerasifsuddenlysprung.Bending closer,Vickysawthattheskinswere foldedoverandstitchedwiththick blackthread.Onone,anearhadbeen

sewn at an angle to flap rakishly. Another crossed his hands—paws?— overhisbreastlikethefigureonasar¬ cophagus.Vickyrememberedhermoth¬ er’soldfoxfur,theglasseyes,the snarlingface.Therewasalittlelever thatclampedthejawtothetail.Asa child,Vickyusedtobegtopushitjust tohearitsferocioussnap.Shepictured the monkeys—gargoyles really—on Gothicbuildings,themonstersofher dreams. But these monkeys were

Fiction

“Careful!Thegenitalia!”Victor yelled.

Vickyjumped,kickedupaswirlof motes.

“Notmine,whichare,letmeassure you,insplendidworkingorder.Nabo¬ kov’s.”

“Whateverareyoutalkingabout?" Vickyshookherhead.

“Nabokov’sgenitalia.Withwhich youradorablederrierehasjustmade contact.”Victor’skneescreakedashe

lection:Thegenitaliaofbutterflies." “Well,then,"Vickysaid. OncemoreVictorbentinthedust. “Now,willyoumarryme?" “Ofcourse."

VICKY CALLED her mother.

"I’mnotsurprised,"hermothersaid. “Theblindleadingtheblind.”

"You’lllovehim."

“Ofcourse.What'shelooklike,my futureson-in-law?" rathersweet,their facesasachinglyten¬ derasabright-eyed child’s.Andalthough hollow,theirskins werelooselywrapped, asifthereweresome¬ thingdelicatelycush¬ ionedinside.

Victor held up a monkey of orange fur.“Here’smyfavor¬ ite—Alouattabelsebel—the Howler.”

Vickytouchedthe Howler.Thefurfelt dry.Theskinunder¬ neath,stiffascard¬ board.Vickythought ofoldmuskratcoats invintageclothing stores.TheHowler's head,attachedtohis neck by exxes of string,seemedtobob at her. She looked aroundtheroom.Be¬ hind these silent doorsdweltaworld notalivebutsome¬ howpalpable.

“Extraordinary,” shesaid.

“Isn’tit?”Victor whisperedback.

VICTOR’S OFFICE was a cluttered human contrast. Papers and books crammed the shelves. Coffee cups, soddenwithdregs,markedaborderof interlockingringsalongtheedgeof Victor’sdesk.Betweenachairanda small oak chest Victor knelt. Dust ridgedapathasheslidhisknee. “VickyJames,pleasemarry'me." Vickyleanedagainsttheoakchest.

stoodup.“Allowme,”hesaidopening theoakcabinet.Insidewerethousands ofvialsstuffedintonarrowracks.Lab¬ els,inkedinaspideryscript,were impaledtothetopswithstraightpins. Throughyellowishliquidswamdots anddasheslikesea-bornepunctuation marks.“Nabokovleftthemtous,"Vic¬ torexplained."Youknow,the Lolita chap.That’shishandwriting.Hiscol-

"Likeme.Withbadteeth." “TheEnglishneverwentin fororthodonture.Allthose sconesandclottedcream.Not tomentionthatdisgustingtri¬ fle."Hermotherpaused.In the background Vicky could hear Johnny Carson’s mono¬ logue.“1suppose,dear,you’ll want me to do something aboutawedding?"

“Notreally,"Vickysaid.

“Well,that’sarelief.I’ll sendyouacheck.Buyawed¬ dingdressandgetyourhair fixedup.”

NOW VICTOR AND Vicky sat onapurplesatinbenchinthe anteroom of The Boutique Unique.Theirjean-cladknees bumpedtogetherintimately. “Ithoughtthegroomwasn’t supposedtoseethebride’s dress before the wedding?" Victorasked.

“Desperatetimescallfor desperate measures." Vicky squeezedhishand."Youdon’t knowhowthisterrifiesme.”

“More than marrying a formaldehyde-scented limey you’ve known over a fort¬ night?"

“Infinitely."

THE SALESWOMAN’S name was Glenda.Sheworeablackdressprinted withisoscelestriangles,theskirtso tapered her legs splayed out like flippers.Herfacewaspowderedwhite asaKabukimask.Vickyfollowedher mermaidstepsintothedressingroom. OverVicky’shead.Glendaparachuted acloudofivorysilk.Vickyslippedout ofherclothesandheldupherarms,

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Fiction

consciousofhersafety-pinnedstrap andtheunderpantswithMondayem¬ broidered on them—a week’s worth hermotherhadboughtatafiresale. Glenda, she was sure, had slithery Frenchunderwear.ButnoPh.D.let aloneaMasterssheremindedherself. AndcertainlynotaneccentricEnglish fiancd.Thispettythoughtemboldened her.

“Thisis you, dear,’’Glendapro¬ nounced.

“Itis?”Vickysteppedback,co¬ coonedinfabric,shefeltlikethe swathedbassinetsofroyalprincesor tropicalbedroomstentedagainstmos¬ quitoes.

“It’sasmidgebig,dear.Needstucks isall."Withabravadoofaswordswal¬ lower,Glendalinedpinsalongherlips andproceededtosecureathree-inch seamoverVicky’sribs.

“Ouch!”Vickyprotested,pricked. ShepicturedtheoakchestinVictor’s office.Thereshewasinsideit:Vicky James,aspecimeninNabokov’scol¬ lection,bottledandstuckwithcom¬ monpins.

Glendasighed.“Thewaywegirls sufferforbeauty,dear.Now,then.”

Vicky looked in the mirror. She lookedlikeabride.Shelookedlikea stranger.

“Show the feeawnsay, dear. They usuallywantthetraditional,ifyou knowwhatImean.”

“Youlooklikeastranger,"Victor saidasshetwirledinfrontofhim.

Vickygrinned.

“Hedoesn’t like it?"Glenda'sbrows roseinastonishedarcs.

“He’sazooiogist,"Vickyexplained. “Eccentric."

“Ifyousayso,dear.”

Outsideonthestreet,theyskipped likeprisonerssprung.“There’smyhair lefttodo,”Vickysaid..

“Ipreferyourhairleft."Victorpatted herponytail.“It’sthecolorofmyfavor¬ itechimpanzee.

THEY WERE MARRIED at City Hall. Vickyworehernavypleatedskirtand greysilkblouse.Victorworegreyflan¬ nelsandanavyblazerwithamotto embroideredontothebreastpocket. Degustibus wasallVickycouldmake out.“Myoldschooluniform,”hesaid.

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Fiction

“Stillfits.”Thewitnessesweretwo secretariesfromtheTrafficandPark¬ ingdepartment.Theybothwept.Her mothersentatelegram:“Muchjoy. Stayoutofthenoondaysun.”

ON THE WAY to their honeymoon—a weekontheMainecoastplusawhale watchcourtesyoftheweddingdress check—the newlyweds stopped by Victor’soffice.“I'llneedtheAdidas'

There was the smell of camphor and turpentine. “I just remembered,’’ Victor said.

“They’re repainting the cupboards. They sent a memo round.’’

frommybottomfile,”Victorexplained, “in case Moby Dick chews up the Nikes."Heunboltedthedoorandlifted| Vickyintohisarms."Asathreshhold, darling,thiswillhavetodo.”Once' inside,however,Victorletgo;Vicky’s feetmetthefloorwithathud.They bothstared."Oh,dear!"theycried.

Thecabinetshutterswereopen.The pulled-out drawers, empty. On the floorlaythemonkeys.Pilesandpiles ofthemrakedintoheapslikeOctober leaves.Theircolorswereautumn,too: reds,browns,oranges.Therewasthe smellofcamphorandturpentine.“1 just remembered,” Victor said. “They’rerepaintingthecupboards. Theysentamemoround.”

“Well,then,”Vickysaid.Shetooka deepbreth.“Whew.Ithought,fora moment,itwasamassacre."

"Notonourweddingday.”Victor reachedforher.

"Shallwehaveanextraordinary, eccentricmarriage?”Vickyasked. “Ofcourse.”

Andinthemiddleoftheroom,the bride and groom embraced, monkeys attheirfeetlikescatteredrosepetalsor tossed grains of rice. |

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