The Portland Mercury, January 2, 2013 (Vol. 13, No. 33) by Joe Davis

FREE EVERY WEDNESDAY VOL • 13 NO • 33 JANUARY 2-8, 2012 Some of the Sweetest Candies are Sour as Death Inside

NE COL W UMN !

Quit Jostl Your Ryan ing b y Gosl in

CUT OUT ALONG DOTTED LINES FOR YOUR VERY OWN WINTER SKI MASK... AND WIN! P. 3

HOT DOG IN SPAAAAACE! NEWS

Drug Zone Arrests: Racially Motivated?

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Federale: Music For Your P.15 Spaghetti Western

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Tw Dud o Loca l Hot es Shot Do a Spaa g… into aaac e! P. 9

The Final Word on Facials

P.33

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NOTES lovenotes@portlandmercury.com LETTERS MAY BE EDITED FOR SPACE

A PRELUDE TO STALKING RE: One Day at a Time [Dec 5] in which columnist Ann Romano reacts to gossip regarding Two and a Half Men actor Angus T. Jones’ badmouthing of the show in a “freaky Christian video.” DEAR MS. [ANN] ROMANO—Thank you for those most excellent observations about Angus “Halfman” Jones. Your delicious mélange of disgust, outrage, and incredulity cracked me the hell up! Years ago, I believe you mistook my admiration for a prelude to stalking? My fault, I’m certain, and I humbly ask your forgiveness.

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tified columns of serif typefaces has been the standard because of the sheer legibility that a newspaper should have. With your recent redesign I find myself flipping through pages of a hybrid website header, lost type-riddled clusterfuck. Please look around and take note from other major news outlets and go back to a more legible look.

Bring back the serifs. MERCURY ART DIRECTOR JUSTIN “SCRAPPERS” MORRISON RESPONDS: Dearest Serif Sheriff—The redesign added 40 percent more serifs. We ended serif-less-ness. That’s why we’re the major news outlet.

MEANWHILE, AT THE OREGON DEPT. OF CORRECTIONS DEAR MERCURY—Inedible fruit again today for supper!

Pat Smith (fan and chronic reader)

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Redesign your attitude.

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RE: “Portland Aquarium Opening Tomorrow Is Surprisingly Rad” [Blogtown, Dec 14], in which reporter Sarah Mirk attends a sneak preview of the new private venture with low expectations and is pleasantly surprised.

HI—I am absolutely horrified by what is called the “Portland Aquarium,” and think it needs to have a news report done on it ASAP. Even on their Facebook page, they refer to themselves as a “petting zoo,” and that is what they are—a fish petting zoo. With not only no hand washing (how is this healthy for the animals?), there is also no supervision of the numerous children touching the creatures. There was a little boy in front of me who ripped a sea anemone off the wall, and squeezed it so hard in his hand that it flew out of his grip, and slammed into the wall. There was a huge moray eel in a tiny aquarium—it could barely turn around, the tank is so small. The seahorses were floating dead at the top of their tank from lack of oxygen. I was horrified at the conditions, and can’t in good conscience support a business that is obviously more concerned about making money than it is about the well being of the creatures there. They are planning on putting river otters in this insanely tiny exhibit, under florescent lights, and some kind of puffinlike birds in another ridiculously small exhibit. My concerns about the animals that I posted on the aquarium’s Facebook page were deleted, after several other concerned parents with similar comments agreed with me. This is censorship. I wrote them emails and haven’t heard back. I am writing on the behalf of those creatures that can’t speak for themselves.

DAMMIT DL, we hate inedible fruit. That’s a bummer, man. We want to give you the letter of the week as some small compensation. You can’t eat it, unfortunately, but it does earn you two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater, which we realize is kind of hard for you to get to these days, but we’ll wait.

SKI MASK PHOTO CONTEST! Let’s kick off 2013 the right way—with a ski mask photo contest! Here’s what you do: Turn the page and observe the front cover—ski mask, right?! Cut the mask out. Put it on your face. Take a photo. Then, post it anywhere/everywhere on the ’nets (Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr), with the hashtag #portlandmercury. Or! Email your photo to info@portlandmercury.com. The winning photo will get $100 in gift certificates to Deek and Bryan’s Next Adventure, where you can get a REAL ski mask!!

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REDESIGN YOUR ATTITUDE RE: The recent-ish redesign of the Mercury’s print look. DEAR GRAPHIC DESIGN MAJOR—I am not sure if you are aware after 120 credit hours of Illustrator tutorials and countless hours filling Suitcase Fusion with thousands of sans-serif fonts, that the newsprint medium has been perfected for over 100 years. The simplicity of a bold single color header followed by jusportlandmercury.com

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at a time THE YEAR IN REVIEW

by Ann Romano

AST WEEK, dears, we listed the candidates for the Absolute Worst Person in the World for 2012 Ever—and they included everyone from faves like Lindsay Lohan and Ashton Kutcher to Kim Kardashian and Rush Limbaugh. But when it came time to pick the Absolute Worst Person in the World for 2012? Sadly, it wasn’t even close—Chris Brown single-handedly ruined 2012! Let’s take a horrible trip down Memory Lane, shall we? You should probably bring a barf bag.—Ann

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 20 Quick question: Has the world gone insane? And in particular, has lovely pop star Rihanna gone insane? Her former boyfriend Chris Brown still shows little to no remorse for brutally choking, beating, and threatening to kill her back in 2009. (Take, for example, the pick-up line that Us reports Brown has been using: “Can I get your number? I promise I won’t beat you.”) Today, Rihanna released a new single—in which she invited Brown to sing along! Titled “Birthday Cake,” the squicky song features Brown singing that it’s “been a long time,” and Rihanna responding, “Remember how you did it? Remember how you fit it? If you still wanna kiss it, come, come, and get it.” NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 23

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with you today! Remember that whatever God does in our lives, it is WELL DONE!!! #1Love” Okay... that’s really gross. And kind of gives God a bad name, right? “Thou art totally correct, Ann,” God responded from the French Riviera, where he’s taking a brief sabbatical. “Also, Chris Brown is a creepy douchebag, and Rihanna is apparently insane.”

THURSDAY, JUNE 14 Chris Brown stirred up trouble in an NYC nightclub tonight when he and rapper Drake got into a huge, punch-throwing, bottle-tossing rumble. (We assume the brawl started because both men used to date Rihanna… and because Chris Brown is a malodorous douche.) By the time police arrived, Brown and Drake had fled the scene, but the melee caused thousands of dollars in damage and injured five people, including an innocent female Australian tourist whose head was gashed open by a thrown bottle—which sadly counts as another notch in Brown’s “female abuse belt.” (If this keeps up, he’s gonna need a bigger belt!)

SUNDAY, AUGUST 19 Rihanna: gorgeous, talented, and so, so stupid. “I’m single, but we have maintained a very close friendship since the restraining order has been dropped,” the mentally deficient singer told Oprah when asked about Chris Brown. “It’s awkward because I still love him,” she continued. “The main thing for me is he’s at peace. I’m not at peace if he’s not happy or if he’s still lonely.” RIHANNA. We don’t... we can’t even... NO, RIHANNA. NO. THIS IS NOT... NO. THIS IS NOT HOW THIS WORKS.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 24 In news that will make your skin crawl off your body and down the street to the nearest bar, pop starlet Rihanna tweeted her love and prayers to Chris Brown. The occasion? The R&B singer is still on probation for beating Rihanna in 2009, and he had a probationary hearing today! Naturally, RiRi posted the following Twatter: “Praying for you baby, my best wishes are

Quit Your Jostling!

by Ryan Go Gosling

MONDAY, OCTOBER 1 The New York Post reports that Chris Brown and Rihanna were spotted locking themselves in an NYC club bathroom for 20 minutes. Earlier, snoopy spies spotted RiRi entering the trendy Griffin nightclub, at which point, “Chris made his way over to Rihanna. He raised his shirt and was dancing promiscuously.” OMIGOD THAT IS THE WORST SENTENCE EVER UTTERED IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE. “Then they started dancing together and hugging and kissing in front of everyone.” Stunned and/or disgusted onlookers then saw the pair go into the bathroom—and when Rihanna finally emerged, she “seemed a little ruffled.” We suppose that’s a step up from having one’s face beaten to a pulp.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 2 Oh, and we mentioned that Chris Brown has had a girlfriend for over a year, right? Oh. Well, he’s had a girlfriend—for over a year. And that unlucky girlfriend is model Karrueche Tran, who after reading in the papers about Brown’s bathroom canoodle with Rihanna had this to say in her Twatter machine: “There’s a difference between a man and a boy. I prefer men.” Speaking on behalf of the women of the world, we’d prefer it if Karrueche and Rihanna didn’t make the rest of us look like idiots.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 3 Serial dickhead Chris Brown has dumped girlfriend Karrueche Tran! “I have decided to be single to focus on my career,” the clearly lying Brown told Us magazine. “I love Karrueche very much [I’m lying again], but I don’t want to see her hurt over my friendship with Rihanna [Remember her? The ‘friend’ I nearly beat to death?]. I’d rather be single allowing us to both be happy in our lives [and I’m only truly happy when beating women].”

At last, here he is: The Absolute Worst Person MONDAY, OCTOBER 8 in the World Unbelievably, Chris Brown has discovered another for 2012 way to deepen his douchiness! According to Radar Ever!

According to the Miami Beach police, Chris Brown stole a fan’s iPhone outside of a South Beach club. Local gal Christal Spann, 24, spotted Brown climbing into his car outside the Miami hotspot Cameo when she snapped his picture on her new iPhone. Then, according to Spann, Brown reached through the car window, snatched the phone away from her, and barked, “Bitch, you ain’t going to put that on no website,” before speedily driving away. Such a charmer! And such a strong command of the English language.

W NELUMN

Online, Chris has been calling and texting his ex-girlfriend Karrueche Tran, begging for forgiveness and insisting that she’s the only woman for him. BLECHHHH! Luckily, Karrueche doesn’t want anything to do with him. “She wants a break from all of this drama,” says a snoopy source, “and knows that Chris wants whatever he can’t have.” We know how you feel, Chris! We want you in prison... and we can’t have it.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 31 Happy Halloween! It’s an annual tradition for us to report on what costumes the celebrities were wearing... and mercilessly mock them. For example, buck-toothed hillbilly Miley Cyrus dressed as annoying rapper Nicki Minaj in a failed attempt to cancel out her own annoyingness, Kristen Stewart wore a face-disguising mask so she wouldn’t be recognized as a tramp, and Chris Brown took the racist route by dressing up as “a terrorist”—which to him means a Middle Eastern person with a turban and gun. (People still recognized him as the worst person in the world, though.)

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 24 Celebrity woman-beater Chris Brown isn’t on Twitter anymore! Here’s why: When Brown tweeted “I look old as fuck! I’m only 23,” comedy writer Jenny Johnson replied, “I know! Being a worthless piece of shit can really age a person.” Shockingly, Brown took this... poorly, and began an exchange with Johnson that included bon mots like, “take them teeth out when u Sucking my dick HOE” (Johnson’s reply: “It’s ‘HO’ not ‘HOE’ you ignorant fuck”), “I should fart while ur giving me top” (“Your mom must be so proud of you”), “mom says hello... She told me not to shart in ur mouth, wanted me to shit right on the retina” (“YOU FLIRT!!!”), and “your a pathetic bitch” (“It’s ‘YOU’RE’ a pathetic

OOK, YOU BUNCH OF STOOLS. I am one of Hollywood’s most sought-after leading men. Brad Pitt? Fuck him, he’s moldy toast. Channing Tatum? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me, he couldn’t act his way out of his underpants. I AM RYAN FUCKING GOSLING, YA HEARD? And I got a message for every last one of you pinheads: QUIT… YOUR… JOSTLING. What? You gonna look at me like you don’t fucking know what I’m talkin’ about? Last Monday! 11 am! West Hollywood Fucking Farmers’ Market! Ohhhhh… NOW you’re starting to remember. Yeah, that was me—looking for some winter squash. I got a fucking killer recipe for raw butternut squash salad, and I had every intention of eating the shit out of it for dinner. So just when I get my hands around a ripe piece of butternut? KABOOM. Here you come with… with… with your jostling, like some kinda goddamn bull in some kinda goddamn china shop. And I’m like, “EXCUSE me?” And you’re all like, “What?” And I’m like, “What’s with the jostling?” And you’re like, “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” like I’m some sort of Missouri dumbfuck that just fell off the idiot bus. And I was like, “I’m Ryan Fucking Gosling, dingle-shit. And you’re goddamn jostling.” And then you have the fucking… the fucking AUDACITY to say, “I don’t know what you mean by ‘jostling.’” DON’T KNOW WHAT I MEAN BY “JOSTLING.” Un-fucking-believable. Ever hear of Merriam-Webster, piss-throat? They wrote a goddamn DICTIONARY. And in that goddamn dictionary, it clearly defines “jostling”—and I QUOTE—as “to come in contact or collision” OR “to make one’s way by pushing and shoving.” And in case you haven’t figured it out? That’s YOU, mon petite merde. A mother… fucking… JOSTLER. So word to the wise, my jostling “friend”: Find yourself another farmers’ market—or find your FACE on the business end of my FIST. Because the West Hollywood Market is my market, and there’s a nice squash with my name on it. RYAN… FUCKING… GOSLING. And he doesn’t stand for JOSTLING! (Ya heard?)

bitch”). “Okay, I’m done,” Johnson then tweeted. “All I got from that exchange with Chris Brown is that he wants to shit and fart on me.” “Ur a comedic writer!!! If u can take a dick, u can take a joke,” Brown replied, adding, “Just ask Rihanna if she mad??????” and “Know that I’m not upset. Just felt like entertaining the ignorance. These bitches crazy..” Brown then hastily shut down his Twitter account. It’s a Thanksgiving miracle!

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 27 Last week Rihanna took to Twatter “giving thanks” for spending Thanksgiving with her former abuser Chris Brown in Berlin. (GAHHHH!! This is not what the Pilgrims intended!) Today she returned to Twatter to post a picture of a shirtless man— who is almost certainly Chris Brown—lying on her bed, adding the cryptic message, “Dis ni**a....” Okay, now she’s just trolling us. This is not how it works, Rihanna! We’re the gossipmongers! We troll YOU!

MONDAY, DECEMBER 10 Girl, we hate to say we told you so, but… WE SO TOLD YOU SO. According to The Sun, Rihanna is fah-urious with loathsome creep Chris Brown for cheating on her… even though she’s yet to admit they’re dating! The two reportedly had a huge fight—not like the one in 2009, where Chris attempted to beat Rihanna to death—after he was photographed whooping it up with a bevy of gals in Paris. Well, this is just shocking news. And here we thought that Chris Brown had completely reformed, and was ready to settle down and become the perfect boyfriend. #sarcasm

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The Same Old Song?

Data from New Drug Zones Finally Released: More Than Half of Arrests Are Black by Denis C. Theriault would see exclusions handed out by judges, as a condition of probation [“New and Improved?” News, Jan 26, 2012]. Among other changes, the DIA program also pays the Multnomah County District Attorney’s Office, beset by budget woes, enough money to devote a prosecutor to low-level drug crimes it otherwise might not prosecute, pays for extra police foot patrols, and it enrolls eligible drug

bors reported crime easing. And police accountability advocates noted some improvement over the old zones. But they never overlooked the lack of data on arrests. “It’s disappointing that the so-called ‘fix’ to racial profiling seems to be producing similar results,” says Dan Handelman of Portland Copwatch. “The majority of those being cited for trespassing have one easily identifiable characPERCENTAGE OF AFRICAN AMERICANS IN PORTLAND

KEY

AFRICAN AMERICAN

EARLY A YEAR after the Mercury first sought statistics showing how police are enforcing Portland’s controversial Drug Impact Areas (DIA)—billed as a more compassionate, less racially fraught version of the city’s old Drug-Free Zones—that detailed arrest data has finally been released. And the numbers reveal another set of stark racial disparities for a police bureau that’s already acknowledged, publicly, the role racial bias might play in its frayed relationship with Portland’s African American community [“Playing a New Race Card,” News, June 28, 2012]. Of 99 people arrested for ignoring a judge’s order to keep out of a "drug zone"—distinct areas downtown, in Old Town and in the Lloyd Center—58 are black. Most of those arrests were in or around Old Town, notorious for its open-air crack-cocaine sales. That number, first reported on the Mercury's Blogtown, significantly outpaces the number of black Portlanders given exclusions in the first place, about 40 percent. And both percentages far outstrip the city’s African American population, which is 6 percent. Advocates and community leaders, already skeptical of the DIAs, worry the figures fit a familiar pattern. Recent reports show wide disparities in traffic and pedestrian stops, exclusions issued inside Portland’s gun-crime zones, and arrests made this summer as part of a targeted crackdown around North Killingsworth. The city’s old Drug-Free Zones were left to die in 2007 amid concerns they targeted black Portlanders. “It’s not a surprise that Portland police are once again targeting African Americans for enhanced enforcement,” says JoAnn Hardesty, a former state lawmaker who sits on the steering committee of the Albina Ministerial Alliance Coalition for Justice and Police Reform. “The ‘improved’ enforcement zones are having the same effect the old zones had.” When then-Mayor Sam Adams first pitched the DIAs, bowing especially to outcry over crack sales among Old Town businesses and neighbors, he worked hard to inoculate the zones against racial profiling. While exclusions from the old zones were issued at a cop’s discretion, the new zones, which took effect in 2011,

AFRICAN AMERICANS IN PORTLAND per100 people/6 out of 100

EXCLUSIONS IN DRUG IMPACT AREAS per100 cases/40 out of 100

EXCLUSION ORDER VIOLATIONS per100 arrests/59 out of 100

NON-AFRICAN AMERICAN

BETHANY NG

convicts in a city treatment and housing program, the Service Coordination Team. Further, Adams had prosecutors, not cops, draw up the city’s three DIAs—targeting heroin, cocaine, and marijuana—using arrest data. The city council, in a vote on December 19, committed to funding the special prosecutor’s post for another year. “The racial aspects of this issue had been a focus of mine and should continue to be a focus of the city council,” Adams said late last month, taking pains to separate “issues that are racial in nature” from “overt racism.” Adams also said he brought in the district attorney’s office “so Portland police officers are not policing themselves.” Adams’ changes made a difference. Neigh-

teristic: the color of their skin.” As for why there’s a disparity, cops and prosecutors have some ideas. Billy Prince, the deputy district attorney who ran the DIA program until December, cast the overall arrest numbers as “positive.” “The majority of people are obeying a judge’s order to stay away,” he says. “I’m not aware of any judge ruling that someone arrested [for trespassing in a DIA] was in the zone properly.” He contends the DIAs are doing what they’re supposed to do: cleaning up drug markets by keeping out dealers, while making sure users have a big stick prodding them into treatment. Prince explains that most of the arrests fell in the crack-cocaine DIA, a smaller area focused

on Old Town—making it easier for patrolling cops to find dealers and buyers. Prince says the crack markets in Old Town are a powerful draw. For example, he notes, nearly the same number of people have been excluded from the city’s heroin and cocaine zones, but the cocaine zone has seen twice as many arrests. He also says cops, once they find someone trespassing, aren’t allowed to give that person a pass. For further illustration, he points out the 99 arrestees have a combined total of 684 previous felony convictions. “The types who come back to be arrested,” he says, “they have significant criminal histories.” That all roughly jibes with what police say. Spokesman Sergeant Pete Simpson tells the Mercury more minorities are arrested in Old Town because “more of them are coming back to the area. The base percentages are higher.” One hole in the data, of course, is what led to each of the 99 arrests. Only arrest reports will reveal that. Generally, Simpson says, cops recognize familiar faces. Or, in an area with foot patrols and surveillance cameras, they might figure out someone’s trespassing while investigating another crime. Sometimes, he allows, arrests come from traffic and pedestrian stops—in which, citywide, blacks and Latinos are stopped and searched twice as often as whites. The racial breakdown of arrests sought by the Mercury will now be included in all future DIA reports, says Prince, who passed the DIA job to Deputy District Attorney Adam Gibbs. That’s a shift for the city. Up until the Mercury’s third request for data, lodged in August after requests in January and May of 2012, the police say they had not been tracking it. Even then, when the bureau produced the numbers in late September, it took nearly three more months before their release. Adams’ office held them back, commissioning Prince to add even more data. Adams, when interviewed before leaving office, also blamed the delay on his time-consuming negotiations with the US Department of Justice over police reform. Prince assembled all the data into the DIA program’s 15-month progress report, sent to the city council on December 12 and obtained by the Mercury on December 19. Handelman, of Copwatch, was stinging with his assessment of the timeline. “It’s disappointing,” says Handelman, “The city and the DA’s office sat on these numbers for so long—because they knew the numbers would look bad.”

“If It Bores You, It’ll Bore the Reader.”

Exit Interview with Oregonian’s Longtime Editorial Cartoonist Jack Ohman by Sarah Mirk

F YOU DON’T know the work of Jack Ohman, you should— he’s one of the best editorial cartoonists in the nation. A Minnesota native, Ohman became the youngest syndicated cartoonist in the country at age 19, and landed work as the Oregonian’s editorial cartoonist for 29 years, producing thousands of cartoons and winning a pile of prestigious awards, including being a finalist for the Pulitzer this year. This month, he’s packing up his life and moving to California to become the staff cartoonist for the Sacramento Bee.

MERCURY: Did you draw comics when you were a kid? JACK OHMAN: Back in the 1970s in junior high and high school, I did some comics. They were about things that happened at school, with a caricature of the principal. He was a proto-fascist with a shaved head and I used to draw him like a German commandant. It was weird to have your subject in the same building as you. I was a real thorn in his side. We had a very courageous newspaper advisor. She didn’t like him, either. She liked sticking it to him. She told me, “You could become one of America’s best editorial cartoonists.” And I thought, “Huh, I thought I was going to be president.” Ha! Did you actually want to be president? I wanted to go into politics. I think every 17-year-old wants to become president, but then you realize it takes $65 million.

What are you sick of drawing? Fundamentally, I think I’m a writer at heart and political cartooning is a writing job, not a drawing job. There are certain subjects that keep coming up over and over during the course of my career. I don’t know how many times I had to draw Saddam Hussein or Yasser Arafat being a bad guy. I try to take each cartoon as a little logic problem. How can I draw the White House differently today? Or how can I draw Obama better today? If it bores you, it’ll bore the reader.

Were you nervous about printing those cartoons of your principal? Are you ever nervous publishing now? When you get into your 50s, you’re past that moment of nervousness about your work because you become very fatalistic. Sometimes I think, “Wow, I wish I had more time to execute the columns on the White House.” But I’m not nervous about the statements I make. The difference between writing about the president and writing about the principal is that the president doesn’t care.

How do editorial cartoons fit into the media landscape today, versus when you started? They should be fitting in better than they are. Editors keep saying, “We want visual, visual, visual!” And it’s the one thing that’s indigenous to American newspapers that’s really visual. You’d think they’d want more editorial cartoonists. Newspapers will have 15 to 20 columnists and one cartoonist. Or zero cartoonists. Wouldn’t it be cool if there were a newspaper that employed a liberal cartoonist and a conservative cartoonist? How are Oregon politics different than when you moved here? It’s more liberal. When I came out here, there was a Republican governor, a Republican treasurer, and two Republican senators, and the mayor was basically a Republican. It was completely different. You have to be ecumenical in your commentary and your approaches. I have as many friends and enemies in the Democratic Party as I do in the Republican.

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IN SPAAAAACE! How Two Portlanders Shot the First Hot Dog into the Stratosphere by Sarah Mirk

SHAWN SMALL (R) AND GRAHAM ADAMS (L) PHOTO BY NICOLLE CLEMETSON ILLUSTRATION BY PAUL WINDLE

THIS IS A STORY ABOUT GOOD OL’ AMERICAN INGENUITY.

IT’S A STORY ABOUT AMBITION AND PROCESSED MEAT,

ABOUT BELIEVING IN DREAMS AND REACHING FOR THE STARS.

IT’S THE STORY OF THE FIRST HOT DOG IN SPACE.

T BEGINS IN A DANK PARKING GARAGE under the Hawthorne Bridge, behind a nondescript door, down a ight of stairs, and past a rusty boiler room. Down there, in the domain of moss and uorescent lights, is a sliding door marked “Ruckus Laboratories.” But rst, a brief reection on the symbolic importance of hot dogs. Hot dogs are purely American—an idea stolen from a long lineage of European sausages and repurposed by immigrants as a cheap stadium food, hot dogs are now a conglomerate-dominated $1.7 billion industry. They’re also the most patriotic food: According to the National Hot Dog and Sausage Council (actual slogan: “Relish the Moment”) Americans eat 155 million hot dogs on the Fourth of July alone. When American astronauts were stranded in space on the Apollo 13 mission, they ate mostly hot dogs, providing the crucial hit of protein they needed to return to Earth so they could achieve the American dream of being played by Tom Hanks. NASA cemented

this patriotism/hot dog/space connection this summer, discovering hundreds of super bright galaxies that ofcials dubbed Hot DustObscured Galaxies, or Hot DOGs. Hot dogs, clearly are perfectly designed for space. They are extremely durable, being highly processed and cloaked in a deliciously tough collagen casing. They’re aerodynamic, like they were meant to y through the air. And yet! No hot dog has ever own solo into space. This has been a grievous oversight in the otherwise proud history of American aeronautical engineering. “The hot dog is a proponent of Americana. It’s tradition. It’s simple. Delicious. Affordable,” says Jesse Herzog, a San Francisco real estate developer who runs hot dog stand Zog’s Dogs as a Bluth-family-esque side project. “I was extremely worried that another country would send a hot dog into space rst. This is a signicant

frontier for us to explore.” Herzog’s father was a hot dog man, briey, at the 1964 World’s Fair in New York, and Herzog has carried on the tradition with Zog’s Dogs, which pushes the boundaries of hot dog creativity. Last year, he granted an artist a fellowship to draw customers’ portraits in ketchup and mustard. This year, Herzog chose a classic American all-beef frank with a white bun, and decided to nd a way to make it the rst hot dog in space. To nd a crack space engineer, he turned to Craigslist. “It was late at night and someone emailed me this weird Craigslist ad,” says Shawn Small, engineer at Portland’s Ruckus Composites and now a national hero. The ad was looking for someone to launch the world’s rst hot dog in space. He wrote back and got a quick reply from Herzog: “Why not aspire to the extraordinary? Especially Continued on pg. 11

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Continued from pg. 9 Finally, the historic day arrived. Rising before if it means putting a hot dog in the cosmos.” From his Southeast Portland basement lab un- dawn, Small, Adams, Herzog—who traveled up der the Hawthorne Bridge, Small began devising from San Francisco for the occasion—and some a plan to send the hot dog into space for a bud- onlooker friends drove to the desert land outside get of less than $1,000. Ruckus Composites is a Madras, unpacked their spaceship among the carbon-ber design and manufacturing enterprise sagebrush and began lling up the balloon from a that primarily makes bike accessories like fancy tank containing 100 cubic feet of helium. The sky was blue. The wind was low. The desracks and fenders. Along with assistant Graham Adams, their small, unassuming lab is lined with ert was vast around the men as the balloon slowly pricey racing bikes whose frames have cracked— inated, unfolding into the sky. Then, there was a sputtering. The helium causalities of car-topping and cyclo-cross accistopped owing. The rented tank was short by 40 dents—and are awaiting repair. Small looks like the typical SE Portland bike cubic feet. Disaster was nigh. Surely, there are few sadder places to be than nerd—a lightly bearded dude with a skinny, plaid-bearing frame—except he’s prone to say- the middle of the desert, holding a half-inated balloon that is attached ing things like, “I have to a hot dog. a lot of background in Luckily for America, high-altitude rocketry.” engineer Small had a As future schoolchilash of brilliance. Welddren will certainly learn, ers use helium. There Small grew up on a Wismust be a welder someconsin dairy farm where where in Central Orhis isolated environegon who was awake on ment led to an interest of the hot dog in space at a Saturday morning and in building rockets and portlandmercury.com could lend some helium blowing shit up. In college, he competed in sound-barrier-breaking rock- to the noble cause. Small began calling welding et competitions and was offered a job at NASA, stores and, miracle of miracles, someone answered which he turned down—instead moving to Port- the phone at a store in Madras. “Sure,” said the old man who answered. “I got land to start Ruckus at age 24. Ever since, people helium right here.” Small and Herzog sped off in have been asking him to build their bad ideas. “Typically, in this line of business, people have the truck, leaving Adams holding the half-inatlots of crazy ideas, but no money to back it up,” ed balloon, unable to let go. By and by, various onlookers passed, intrigued says Small. “It’s always, ‘If you make this and don’t by the sight of a young fellow holding tightly onto a giant balloon amid the barren landscape. A pair charge me, we’ll make millions!’” adds Adams. But sending a hot dog into space sounded like of people on horses clip-clopped near and paused an excellent idea. The proposal presented several to ask what Adams was doing. He explained and one of the cowboys smiled and shook his head. intriguing challenges. “Now I’ve heard of everything,” he said, trotTo launch a hot dog into space would require a super durable spaceship. Shooting up 100,000 ting away. Eventually, the helium team returned victorifeet into the air, the wiener would pass through winds blowing 150 MPH, and reach the freez- ous. The crew inated the balloon and, with a moing, near-vacuum upper limits of the atmosphere. ment of fear, let it go. It oated up, up, hundreds of If the hot-dog spaceship was over four pounds, feet up. The team of friends squinted into the sun. “Looks like something fell off,” someone said. the team would have to get clearance from the Hearts sank. It was likely the hot dog, though it Federal Aviation Administration. It needed to be equipped with a video camera—because, really, had been skewered and sewn into place. The miswhat’s the point without video?—which meant sion was sure to be a op. There was nothing to the ship would not only have to y to space, but do but go get breakfast and glumly watch the GPS return to Earth close to where it launched, on soil data coming in from the little ship. After several easy to get to without use of, say, a submarine hours, the crew could see that the craft had come or helicopter. It had to be built with off-the-shelf back to earth and landed about 50 miles northeast materials for less than $1,000. And, most impor- of the launch site. They drove after it, offroading tantly, the ship had to include a very rmly se- in their rental car until they reached the banks of cured hot dog as a passenger. Lose the hot dog the John Day River. Parking the car, they rolled up their pants and waded across the chilly river and the mission would be a failure. The construction material was obvious: carbon in bare feet, then scoured the dusty land for any ber, the same lightweight, astoundingly sturdy, sign of the brave wiener. And there it was! Amid well-insulated material that makes high-end rac- the sagebrushes was the ship, intact with hot dog! ing bikes so feather light and strong. Ruckus There was much hooting and hollering. Together, the team took bites of the historic frank. used carbon ber to build an insulated case for a “It was delicious,” says Herzog. “It had this wallet-sized GoPro video camera, GPS unit, and the bun-nestled frankfurter, secured to the out- very distinct crispness that I think can only come side with wire. To that, they added a high-altitude from the stratosphere.” “It was desert sun-cooked,” remembers Adams. weather balloon, which scientists use to do things “It had been in the dirt about an hour,” says Small. like measure neutrinos in the atmosphere. Then Reviewing the video, the hot dog’s journey is a they planned to ll the balloon with helium, expecting it could oat at least 10 miles straight up beautiful sight. The beef tube ies away from the desert sand, up into the bright-blue atmosphere that before popping. Using government atmospheric data and few humans will ever see rsthand. At the height rocket simulation software, Small ran dozens of of its voyage, the idyllic blue curve of Earth bends models—winds could knock the hot dog space- down below the dog, surrounded by a serene white ship hundreds of miles from its launch point. aura. Then the balloon pops and the frank hurtles Then Small and Adams spent three months build- back earthward, from whence it came. Inspired, Herzog now plans to send a hot dog ing the hot dog spaceship in their spare time. The resulting craft weighed just 2.5 pounds, so they to the lowest point in the ocean. For their efforts, didn’t have to apply for any government permits Small and Adams have received no medals. They for the wiener launch. They set a launch date for haven’t even received any money, since almost all of Herzog’s $1,000 budget went toward buildSaturday, July 21, 2012. The launch site would be the Oregon desert: ing expenses. But they have received a much wide-open, inland public land with few tall trees for greater reward: glory. “Everyone in my grandma’s retirement home the balloon to get caught in on its fall back to earth. “Though we did buy a football just in case we knows about the hot dog in space,” says Adams. “And no one believes it,” says Small. needed something to throw at it,” says Adams.

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My, What a Busy Week! Wednesday, January 2

OUR ARTS AND ENTERTAINMENT PICKS FOR THE WEEK OF JANUARY 2-8 MORONI—South Park creators/geniuses Trey Parker and Matt Stone became the toast of Broadway with The Book of Mormon—the most popular, award-winning, critically raved-about play since Phantom Cats of the Producers. The Portland run sold out in hours, so if you’re incredibly wealthy—or lucky enough to win a ticket lottery—you can see what everyone’s talking about! EH Keller Auditorium, 222 SW Clay, Tues Jan 1-Fri Jan 4, 7:30 pm, Sat Jan 5, 2 & 7 pm, Sun Jan 6, 1 & 6:30 pm, show up 2.5 hours before each performance to enter into ticket lottery to win a chance to buy two tickets for $25 cash each (this system is ludicrous, but what else are you going to do?)

PROMISED LAND—When a natural gas company swoops in on a small town, locals are torn between environmental concerns and the promise of a big payday. Gus Van Sant’s newest, Promised Land, is definitely cannon fodder for anyone who thinks Hollywood is too liberal, but the cast is great: John Krasinski is perfect as a smug environmentalist, Matt Damon does a solid everyman impersonation, and Frances McDormand is a goddamn national treasure. AH Various theaters, see portlandmercury.com for times.

Thursday, January 3

SHY GUY—If you dig modern soul and R&B with a Portland twist, don’t miss Shy Girls and billmate PWRHAUS. Bangin’ electropop soul with New Jack undertones, Shy Girls lay down a sexy groove while the synth-y smoothness of PWRHAUS piles on layers of headexploding mystery and passion. WSH w/Houndstooth; Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison, 8:30 pm, $5

Friday, January 4

Saturday, January 5

BOYEURISM!—Burlesque? I approve. ALL-BOY BURLESQUE? I doubly approve! Drop into the Star Theater on First Thursday for a naughty peek at Boyeurism: A First Thursday All-Male Revue, hosted by Angelique DeVil. Expect high-quality burlesque performed by some devilish (and toned) young gents who aren’t afraid of exposing a little skin! PurrrrrRROWRR! WSH Star Theater, 13 NW 6th, 9 pm, $5

YEPPS!—You’ll probably recognize Mike Epps from The Hangover or Resident Evil movies (or Roll Bounce!). He’s a funny man who likes shiny clothes, jokes about pot and giving head, and Obama impressions. The LA comic knows how to get a crowd juiced. And he can ride a unicycle! CF Helium Comedy Club, 1510 SE 9th, Fri-Sat 7 & 10 pm, Sun 7 & 9:30 pm, $27-35

MIGHTY GASTRO—Local food writer Karen Brooks pulls the lid off the boiling cauldron of Portland’s vast foodie scene in her new book The Mighty Gastropolis: Portland. Go hear her tales of kitchen shenanigans, the rise of this town’s favorite chefs, and what makes Portland’s stomachs tick. Bring a snack. CF Powell’s City of Books, 1005 W Burnside, 7:30 pm, FREE

MORE-ICONE—Since you’re fresh off seeing Django Unchained (haven’t yet? See it!), you are no doubt jonesing for more amazing, trippy, operatic music from those great Italian-made westerns from the ’60s. Luckily, Portland’s own Federale carries the torch of Ennio Morricone high, with a swarming, psychedelic, orchestral sound that’ll splatter spaghetti sauce all over your cowboy boots. NL w/the Upsidedown, the Purrs; Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi, 9 pm, $10

DROP IT—You can still keep your New Year’s workout resolution without having to go to the boring, stinky gym. Wouldn’t you rather go to Holocene for this month’s installment of Booty Bassment and drop that ass (and those love handles) all over the dance floor? Of course you would. MS w/DJs Maxx Bass, Nathan Detroit, Ryan & Dimitri; Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison, 9 pm, $5

Sunday, January 6 GIVE A WHO—Kids’ variety show You Who kicks off 2013 with a pajama party featuring charming folk-rockers Blind Pilot and the debut of Cat Doorman, the new kid-song project from the Golden Bears’ Julianna Bright. Sounds like these kids are gonna have a great time—why can’t grownups have this kind of fun? NL Kennedy School, 5736 NE 33rd, 1 pm, sold out, all ages

SCI-FI YES!—Portland’s Ursula K. Le Guin isn’t just one of the best sci-fi authors in the world. She’s one of the best authors in the world, period. The beloved UKLG celebrates the release of the two-volume The Unreal and the Real, a brain-mushingly great collection of her short stories. Somebody better show up with a cake for the lady. SM Powell’s City of Books, 1005 W Burnside, 7:30 pm, FREE

Monday, January 7 MOM GENES—It’s a timeless question for families with twins: “Why is one such a bum, even though his genetic equal is such a success?” In fancy science talk, that’s called “nature vs. nurture,” and it’s on tap at OMSI’s Science Pub. Have a few pints, then go home and giggle over a copy of 1988’s Twins, starring Danny DeVito and Arnold Schwarzenegger. DCT Bagdad Theater, 3702 SE Hawthorne, 7 pm, $5, all ages

MAGIC BALL—It’s a Monday in January, the holidays are over, and the rest of the terrible, wet, cold winter stretches before you. So go look at the sports. The Trail Blazers are bringing in the Orlando Magic, in a matchup between two teams fighting hard to tread the waters of “not terrible”—so maybe the game’ll be close! DCT Rose Garden, 1 Center Ct, 7 pm, $10-149

Tuesday, January 8 BOOGIE—It’s Tuesday: Time to boogie. That’s the philosophy at the cozy Swift Lounge, where each week, DJs Mikie Lixx and Gwizski throw down jams in a far more intimate setting than you’re used to dancing in, and call it Boogie Tuesday. The dance floor may not be as big as some other venues in town, but there’s always room for boogie. MS Swift Lounge, 1932 NE Broadway, 9 pm, FREE

JUSTIFIED—If you haven’t been watching the excellent FX series Justified—get caught up quick ’cuz the slambang fourth season starts tonight! Timothy Olyphant (Deadwood) stars as the laconic US Marshal Raylan Givens—but this isn’t your normal western crime drama. It hews closely to creator Elmore Leonard’s vision of full robust characters that take precedence over the crime in question. Watch it! WSH Justified, FX, 10 pm, your TV

January 2nd, 2013 portlandmercury.com 13

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WEDNESDAY 1/2 PETE SWANSON, CONCRETE FLOOR, DREAMBOAT, GOODWIN (Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison) Since the breakup of Portland two-piece Yellow Swans in 2008, Pete Swanson has remained busy making the same psychedelic clatter he always has while—wait for it, drug reference— expanding his own mind, man. Swanson creates music that sometimes doesn’t even carry a tune. But every buzz and whir and whoosh serves a purpose. And as cacophonous as his songs can be, they will eventually get to that resolution you’re looking for. It’s music for every mood—it can be beautiful, eerie, and ferocious over the course of a single song. I highly recommend a good pair of headphones and a mind-altering substance to really get you in the right frame of mind. MARK LORE

THURSDAY 1/3 SHY GIRLS, PWRHAUS, HOUNDSTOOTH (Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison) See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 13.

OLD AGE, THE WE SHARED MILK, FANNO CREEK, TALKATIVE

FEDERALE Baby Davy Crockett lightens the mood of any funeral!

they’d used to convey emotional turmoil, ROM THE MOMENT the first foretriumph, and hope, giving the album’s boding notes of “Juarez Wedding” story a somewhat literal interpretation rumble through on Federale’s third through vocals. The tracks featuring Maas full-length album, The Blood Flowed Like and Thomas, then, are marked changes for Wine, it’s clear that the band has decided to Federale. bulk up their arsenal. “It’s strange to think of ‘branching into’ The largely instrumental crew, helmed normal rock music,” jokes Hegna, “but for us, by bandleader Collin Hegna, admittedly it was a departure.” tried to emulate the classic scores of Ennio The story arc for The Blood Flowed Like Morricone on their debut album, La Rayar. Wine, says Hegna, is just as important to And on their second album, 2009’s Devthe core of the album as in past reil in a Boot, they continued to refine Federale leases. There is, however, no librettheir approach to spaghetti-westto to explain the plot, no narrative Sat Jan 5 ern music, conceptually acting as composers of scores to films that Mississippi Studios device to ease the theme into the 3939 N listener’s head. only exist inside their heads. But, Mississippi “On our first couple records, I as Hegna points out, when it came think we allowed the music to take time to begin work on the group’s a backseat to the story,” says Hegna. “On third LP two years ago, there were fears this one, I thought it would be best to let the within the band of coming across as a onemusic be in the forefront.” trick desert-western pony. Not surprisingly, Federale’s affection “We reached the point where if we did it for film music has generated interest from again, people were gonna say we’re just reactual filmmakers and production compeating ourselves,” explains Hegna. panies. The band is contributing existing The Portland collective previously placed material, alongside custom score pieces, a lot of emphasis on the traditional instruto a film due out in summer 2013 called A mentation that’s come to signify spaghettiGirl Walks Home Alone at Night, an Iranian western soundtracks—nylon-stringed guivampire flick that was recently picked up tars, whistling reverb-y guitars, and soprano by Elijah Wood’s new horror film compamelodies—but with The Blood Flowed Like ny, the Woodshed. Additionally, the band Wine, Federale has expanded to include had demoed a title piece for Quentin Tarstrings, horns, and a much richer, more orantino’s new film Django Unchained, titled chestral foundation. Rounded out with per“Django” and sung by Thomas. While that formances by Portland’s 45th Parallel Enproject didn’t pan out for the band—the semble, plus flute, French horn, and oboe by song did make it onto The Blood Flowed Like members of the Oregon Symphony, as well Wine—their artistic growth during the last as pedal steel by way of Richmond Fontaine’s three years certainly has. Paul Brainard, Federale’s heavy textures are “Now that we’ve gone through the progiven a booster shot. cess of making this album, we’re better To boot, the band strayed from their equipped to expand upon what we do,” says typically vocal-less regimen to include Hegna. “I’d like to go into a full-on orchestral guest singers like Alex Maas of the Black score with a rock band backing it up.” Angels and KP Thomas of Spindrift. Those With one caveat: contributions forced Federale to step back “I’ll never get rid of the reverb guitar.” from the strictly instrumental soundscapes

(East End, 203 SE Grand) My favorite thing about Frantically, the cassette that Talkative released in 2012, is how little its songs resemble each other. There’s zooming art rock, tropically tinged chanting, subterranean acoustic post-apocalyptic lullabies, and at least one absolute masterpiece, the whippit-echo of “Saturday,” which sounds like Animal Collective trying their hand at Liars’ Drum’s Not Dead, with a bit of Bruce Springsteen’s Nebraska thrown in for good measure. Frantically is available for streaming and download on Bandcamp. Although cassette editions are sold out; Talkative says a CD version will be available in February. The trio plays for free as part of an art opening for Susan Sage, and they also headline tomorrow night at Slabtown. NED LANNAMANN

FRIDAY 1/4 TALKATIVE, SOCCER BABES, NO MORE PARACHUTES, COWBOY + STATUE (Slabtown, 1033 NW 16th) See Thursday’s listing.

DANNY CORN, GULLS, JOSH T., DRUMPLESTILTSKIN, LINCOLNUP, BEN TACTIC (Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi) It’s refreshing to hear electronic music that rides the edge of experimentalism while holding true to a rhythmic foundation that grooves enough to make a crowd move. With an assortment of quality remixes and releases under his belt, underscored by his signature West Coast sound, Danny Corn generously deals out the syncopated, bass-heavy music that’s enveloped in the exotic sound design that speaks so well to connoisseurs of electronica. His live shows are an eclectic mix of material and are always a good time. CHRISTINA BROUSSARD

string of dates supporting Camper Van Beethoven. REBECCA WILSON

FEDERALE, THE UPSIDEDOWN, THE PURRS (Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi) See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 13, and article at left.

HANGOVER FEST: PAGERIPPERS, DANGER DEATH RAY, NASALROD, JEFFERSON DEATH STAR, & MORE (Slabtown, 1033 NW 16th) Something’s probably very wrong if you’re still hung over five days after New Year’s, and Slabtown’s lineup for their annual Hangover Fest isn’t exactly the aural equivalent of an Alka-Seltzer. Between the boozy, dad-rock-as-interpreted-by-theDead Kennedys stylings of local cult dignitaries Nasalrod and the guttural howl of pop-punk outfit Jefferson Death Star’s Ryan Koreski (he sings about beer and cigarettes and stuff), the bands playing tonight are bound to keep you feeling groggy for the remainder of 2013 and beyond. MORGAN TROPER

RAMBLE ON, ANTS IN THE KITCHEN, RED LIGHT ROMEOS (Star Theater, 13 NW 6th) Remember when everybody gave Prince a whole bunch of shit for changing his name to an unpronounceable symbol? Well, Led Zeppelin did it fi rst—way back in 1971, when everyone was too stoned to notice. Each member ascribed themselves a runic symbol, and all four symbols made up the title of their fourth album, now commonly called IV, or Zoso, after guitarist Jimmy Page’s totally nutso, ornate symbol drawn from his dabblings in the occult. The other three’s symbols were far more modest (drummer John Bonham simply redrew the logo from the can of Ballantine beer that was no doubt in front of him at the time). Tonight, local Zeppelin tribute band play Zep’s IV in its entirety, and I probably wouldn’t bother telling you about it except that it is a very sloooow week for music, and because of our weird holiday deadlines, I’m writing this like three weeks in advance. Besides, who couldn’t use a little more “Misty Mountain Hop” in their lives? Dance in the dark of night, y’all. NL

SUNDAY 1/6 YOU WHO: BLIND PILOT, CAT DOORMAN (Kennedy School, 5736 NE 33rd) See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 13.

HOT VICTORY, WHORE PAINT, TROPHY WIFE (The Know, 2026 NE Alberta) When it comes to the songwriting process, drummers typically get the short end of the stick (excuse the pun). Crash, bang, boom is supposedly all they’ve really got. Since singers, guitarists, and bass players can make all those fancy notes, they get to strut around out front and get all the credit. Enter Hot Victory, a stringed instrument’s worst nightmare. The band features two drummers, Caitlin Love and Ben Stoller. Equipped with a symmetrical setup including electronic and acoustic drums, a shared hi-hat, and some samples and loops to play over, the duo create hypnotic, prog-tastic space journeys that fascinate and perplex. A Hot Victory set is a mindbender that will leave any “fretters” in the room scratching their heads, and any skinsmen, or women, high-fiving each other. Score one “Hot Victory” for all tub-thumpers! ARIS WALES

MONDAY 1/7

SATURDAY 1/5

Very happy birthday wishes to Kenny Loggins. (Not you, Jim Messina.)

BOOTY BASSMENT: MAXX BASS, NATHAN DETROIT, RYAN AND DIMITRI

TUESDAY 1/8

(Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison) See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 13.

CASEY NEILL AND THE NORWAY RATS, SASSPARILLA, MCDOUGALL (Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside) Despite their Scandinavian-sounding moniker, the Norway Rats are as American and blue-collar as Bruce Springsteen eating a peanut butter sandwich. Casey Neill’s voice is warm and avuncular, seemingly designed for delivering hard advice and tough love, and his lyrics tend toward the evocative and memory-based. And that makes them sad, somehow, though the stories he tells aren’t depressing. Unlike most bands specializing in Americana these days, there’s no gratuitous banjo, but there is a sense of open spaces and solemnity that combine with Jenny Conlee’s keys and accordion to give the songs a hymnal quality. The Norway Rats capture the isolation and bigness of the American West as it is now—not as that imagined, mythic place that probably never existed. 2013 will see the release of All You Pretty Vandals, their fi rst album in three years, as well as a

BOOGIE TUESDAY: GWIZSKI, MIKIE LIXX (Swift Lounge, 1932 NE Broadway) See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 13.

KEANE, YOUNGBLOOD HAWKE (Crystal Ballroom, 1332 W Burnside) Youngblood Hawke’s “We Come Running” lines itself up perfectly with the kind of empty epicness of gang-vocal pop anthems like fun.’s “We Are Young” and the Journey-withbanjos motif of a majority of the Mumford and Sons catalog. It makes sense, then, that the band would be opening for Keane, one of the most overrated, formulaic, and schmaltzy bands to have ever sold more than 10 million albums worldwide. Their totally safe fourth LP, Strangeland, further removes them from blatant Beatles-lite hacks to synth-crutched pop robots slinging songs destined to bump in every Forever 21 in every country forever. This isn’t to say that this show won’t be totally sold out, and that everyone in attendance will most likely feel invigorated and cleansed and hoarse. Because the world is, in fact, ending. Slowly. Happy New Year. RYAN J. PRADO

January 2nd, 2013 portlandmercury.com 15

CASEY NEILL AND THE NORWAY RATS Doug Fir, 1/5

Live Music

LISTINGS

WEDNESDAY 1/2 ★ AL’S DEN—Matt Brown, 7 pm, free

12.19.12

001 MECH V1

ASH STREET SALOON—Erik Anarchy, Cancer & the Rat, Feral Drollery, Town & The Writ, God Bless America, 9 pm, $5 BIDDY MCGRAW’S—Half-Step Shy Happy Hour: David Gerow, 6 pm, all ages BLUE DIAMOND—The Fenix Project, 9 pm CAMELLIA LOUNGE—The Goods Jazz Jam: Errick Lewis & the Regiment House Band, 8:30 pm DUFF’S GARAGE—High Flyers, 6 pm, $2; Suburban Slim’s Blues Jam: Suburban Slim, John Neish, Jeff Strawbridge, 9 pm EAST BURN—Irish Music Jam, 7 pm EUGENIO’S—Open Mic, 6:30 pm FIRE ON THE MOUNTAIN—Kory Quinn, 9:30 pm GOOD NEIGHBOR PIZZERIA—Open Mic ★ HOLOCENE—Pete Swanson, Concrete Floor, Dreamboat, Goodwin, 8:30 pm, $6 JADE LOUNGE—Adria & Friends, 7 pm JIMMY MAK’S—Mel Brown Quartet, 8 pm, $5 LANDMARK SALOON—Bob Shoemaker, 6 pm; Jake Ray & The Cowdogs, 9:30 pm LAURELTHIRST PUBLIC HOUSE—Scott Law, 7 pm, free MISSISSIPPI PIZZA PUB—Mr. Hoo, noon, all ages O’CONNORS VAULT—Jon Koonce & One More Mile, 8 pm, free THE PRESS CLUB—Miller & Sasser, 8 pm ROCK BOTTOM BREWERY—Jordan Harris: Lost & Found, 9 pm THE WAYPOST—Classical Revolution, 7 pm WHITE EAGLE—Ambush Party, Andrew’s Ave, Muffalufagus, 8:30 pm, free

PORTLAND MERCURY

PORTLANDIA SEASON 3

THURSDAY 1/3 ARTICHOKE MUSIC—Songwriter Roundup, 7 pm, $5 ASH STREET SALOON—Stein, 8 Ohm Prophet, The Lovely Lost, 9 pm, $5 BLUE DIAMOND—Ben Jones, 9 pm CLASSIC PIANOS—Kelley Shannon, George Colligan, Phil Baker, Todd Strait, 7:30 pm, $10 DUFF’S GARAGE—Tough Love Pyle, 6 pm, $2 ★ EAST END—Old Age, Fanno Creek, The We Shared Milk, Talkative, 8 pm, free EAT: AN OYSTER BAR—Steve Cheseborough, 7 pm THE ELIXIR LAB—Johnny D’s Community Jam, 7 pm GOODFOOT—Philly’s Phunkestra, 9 pm, $6 GRAND CAFE/ANDREA’S CHA CHA CLUB—Pilon d’Azucar Salsa Band, 9:30 pm HALIBUT’S—Terry Robb, 8 pm, free HAWTHORNE THEATRE LOUNGE—Possessed: Paul James, 8:30 pm, $8 HEATHMAN—Johnny Martin, 7 pm ★ HOLOCENE—Shy Girls, Pwrhaus, Houndstooth, 8:30 pm, $5 JIMMY MAK’S—Mel Brown B3 Organ Band, 8 pm, $5 KENNEDY SCHOOL—Professor Banjo, 6 pm, free, all ages

3 1 0 . 3 9 9 . 3 3 0 7

IFC TV

4.75”W X 13.5”H

portland mercury

Music

KENTON CLUB—The Conjugals, 9 pm, free LANDMARK SALOON—Chris Miller, 6 pm; The Pickups, 8:30 pm LAURELTHIRST PUBLIC HOUSE—Medicine Family, 6 pm; Ridgerunners: Jim Boyer, Lynn Conover, Dan Haley, 9:30 pm MOCK CREST TAVERN—The Holy Child, 9 pm MUSIC MILLENNIUM—Andrew Grade, 6 pm, free, all ages THE PRESS CLUB—Stu Cook Trio, 8 pm RETRO RHYTHM—Ron Steen, 8 pm, free THE SECRET SOCIETY—Hunter Paye, 6 pm, free, all ages SOMEDAY LOUNGE—The Dookie Jam: Doo Doo Funk All-Stars, 9 pm, free TAPALAYA—Milneburg Jazz Band, 6 pm, free TIGER BAR—Karaoke from Hell, 9:30 pm, free WHITE EAGLE—The Brothers of the Hound, 5:30 pm, free, all ages

FRIDAY 1/4 ARTICHOKE MUSIC—Friday Night Coffeehouse, $5, all ages ASH STREET SALOON—Riverpool, Set in Stone, December in Red, 9 pm, $5 BACKSPACE—Atom Age, Absent Minds, Faithless Saints, Rendered Useless, 3 Round Burst, 7:30 pm, $7, all ages BIDDY MCGRAW’S—Lynn Conover, 6 pm, all ages BLUE DIAMOND—The Vermen, 9 pm BLUE MONK—Anomalous Quintet, Damian Erskine Project, 9 pm BUFFALO GAP—The Sale, 9 pm CANVAS ART BAR—Open Mic: Steve Huber, 7 pm, free, all ages CLASSIC PIANOS—Kelley Shannon, Steve Christofferson, Ed Bennett, 7:30 pm, $10 DANTE’S—Tribute to Nick Curran: Papa Dynamite & The Jive, 9 pm DOUG FIR—Tony Smiley & the Urban Subs, Mosley Wotta, Ben Union, 9 pm, $8-10 DUFF’S GARAGE—The Hamdogs, 6 pm, $2; Bingo Therapy, Can’t Hardly Playboys, 9 pm EAST BURN—Pagan Jug Band, Cascadia Soul Alliance, 10 pm, free FOGGY NOTION—Moyter, Opposition Party, Duty, 9 pm, $3 FORD FOOD & DRINK—Eagles of Freedom, 5 pm GOODFOOT—DJ Aquaman’s Soul Stew, 9 pm HAWTHORNE THEATRE LOUNGE—Counterfeit Cash, 8:30 pm, $5 HOLOCENE—Doorly, Jason Burns, Kellan, 9 pm, $8 JIMMY MAK’S—Farnell Newton, 8 pm, $10 ★ KENTON CLUB—Don Juan Y Los Blancos, Suicide Notes, Thee Headliners, 9 pm, free LANDMARK SALOON—Ron Rodgers & The Wailing Wind, 6 pm, free; Davey Sparrow & His Western Songbirds, Honky Tonk Union, 9 pm LAURELTHIRST PUBLIC HOUSE—Tree Frogs, 6 pm; Baby Gramps, 9:30 pm MISSISSIPPI PIZZA PUB—The Hill Dogs, 6 pm MOCK CREST TAVERN—Suburban Slim, 9 pm MT. TABOR THEATER—The Clumsy Lovers, 8:30 pm, $10 NEL CENTRO—Mike Pardew, 9:30 pm PEOPLE’S CO-OP—The Portland Sacred Harp, 6:30 pm, free PONDEROSA LOUNGE (AT JUBITZ)—Hang ’em High, 9 pm, $5 THE PRESS CLUB—Cary Miga Trio, 7 pm

★ Means we recommend it. To list your live music or DJ event, send your information at least nine days in advance to music@portlandmercury.com.

16 portlandmercury.com January 2nd, 2013

Music

YOUNGBLOOD HAWKE Crystal Ballroom, 1/8

MONDAY 1/7

002 MECH

BLUE DIAMOND—Sumo, 9 pm DUFF’S GARAGE—Lily Wilde Orchestra, 9 pm, $8 GOODFOOT—Sonic Forum Open Mic, 8 pm, $1 ISLAND MANA WINES—David & Goliath, 4 pm JADE LOUNGE—Cover Songs Spectacular: Elie Charpentier, 6 pm THE KNOW—Easy Living, 8 pm

January 2nd, 2013 portlandmercury.com 17

PORTLANDIA SEASON 3

12.19.12

ANDINA—Toshi Onizuka, 8 pm ASH STREET SALOON—Georgetown Orbits, The Longshots, The Sentiments, 9 pm, $6 BACKSPACE—Take Warning Presents: My Mantle, Van Eps, Lancaster, 7 pm, $8 BLUE DIAMOND—Shoehorn Trio, 9 pm BLUE MONK—The Ocular Concern, 9 pm BOOM BAP!—Stones in Flood, Raragna, 8 pm, all ages BRANX—Ocean of Mirrors, Subverse, Dinner With a Bear, Chronological Injustice, The Entity, 7:30 pm DANTE’S—Dr. Theopolis, Grand Royale, 9 pm, $30 ★ DOUG FIR—Casey Neill & The Norway Rats, Sassparilla, McDougall, 9 pm, $12 DUFF’S GARAGE—Robbie Laws, Boogie Bone, 9 pm EAST BURN—Neahkahnie, Caitlyn Olds, 10 pm, free FORD FOOD & DRINK—Michael Hart, 7:30 pm GOODFOOT—Mctuff, 9 pm, $8 HAWTHORNE HOPHOUSE—Steve Cheseborough, 9 pm, free HAWTHORNE THEATRE LOUNGE—Ghost Town Waltz, Jim Strange, The Proud & The Damned, Whitfield Fahrenheit & the Doomsday Trio, 9 pm, $5 HOPHOUSE (NE 15TH)—Switchgrass, 8:30 pm, free, all ages JIMMY MAK’S—Eddie Martinez, 8 pm, $10 THE KNOW—Teenspot, 8 pm LANDMARK SALOON—Sent Gents, 9 pm LAURELTHIRST PUBLIC HOUSE—James Low Western Front, 6 pm; Cats Under the Stars, 9:30 pm MISSION THEATER—The Jenny Scheinman Trio, 9:30 pm, $25 MISSISSIPPI PIZZA PUB—Clambake, 6 pm; Gerald Collier, 9 pm ★ MISSISSIPPI STUDIOS—Federale, The Upsidedown, The Purrs, 9 pm, $10 MOCK CREST TAVERN—Donna & The Side Effects, 9 pm MT. TABOR THEATER—Roni Lee, Jennifer Batten, 8:30 pm, $8 MUSIC MILLENNIUM—Archie Patterson, 4 pm, free, all ages NEL CENTRO—Mike Pardew, Dave Captein, Randy Rollofson, 9:30 pm THE PRESS CLUB—Stumbleweed, 8 pm RINGSIDE FISH HOUSE—Pete Krebs, Ian Miller, 6:30 pm, free THE SECRET SOCIETY—Dominic Castillo, 6 pm, free, all ages

ANDINA—Danny Romero, 7 pm ARLENE SCHNITZER CONCERT HALL—Inspector Crescendo: Oregon Symphony, Pacific Youth Choir, 2 pm, $10-37, all ages ASH STREET SALOON—Apex of Apathy, Jahai, Lahontan Cutthroat, Wicked Haven, 9 pm, $5 AUGUSTANA LUTHERAN CHURCH—Augustana Jazz Quartet, 6 pm, free, all ages BIDDY MCGRAW’S—Felim Egan, 8 pm CLASSIC PIANOS—Kelley Shannon, Hikaru Okada, Gordon Lee, Andre St. James, Todd Strait, 3 pm, $10 CLYDE’S PRIME RIB—Ron Steen Jazz Jam, 8:30 pm, free DANTE’S—Sinferno Cabaret, 11 pm EAT: AN OYSTER BAR—Reggie Houston’s Box of Chocolates, 11 am FIRKIN TAVERN—Open Mic, 8 pm, free FORD FOOD & DRINK—Tim Roth, Sun, noon, free, all ages HAWTHORNE THEATRE—The Portland Battle of the Bands: Lighter than Dark, Liquid City Harbor, Faerabella, Sawtell, The Hoons, Fuzzy Thunder, Tigress, The Modern Golem, Machetaso Profano, Mayflies in April, 4 pm, $8-10 KELLS—Irish Session, 6 pm ★ THE KNOW—Hot Victory, Whore Paint, Trophy Wife, 8 pm LANDMARK SALOON—Jake Ray, Ian Miller, 8:30 pm LAURELTHIRST PUBLIC HOUSE—Freak Mountain Family, 6 pm; Dan Haley, Tim Acott, 9:30 pm, free LV’S—Blues, Brews & BBQ, 6 pm MIGRATION BREWING—Whistlepig, 7 pm MISSISSIPPI PIZZA PUB—Anna & the Underbelly, Cedar & Boyer, Holly McGarry, 6 pm ★ MOON & SIXPENCE—Foghorn Stringband, free MUDDY RUDDER—Irish Music, 4 pm NEWMARK THEATRE—Alessio Bax, 4 pm, $14-54 ROCK BOTTOM BREWERY—Dojo Toolkit, 9 pm RONTOMS—Pheasant, The Hugs, 9 pm, free THE SECRET SOCIETY—Bossa Nossa, 6 pm, all ages SOMEDAY LOUNGE—Hive: DJ Brian Backlash, DJ Skully, DJ Waisted, 9 pm, free THE SPARE ROOM—Angel Bouchet Band, 8 pm, free ★ THINGS FROM ANOTHER WORLD—The Doubleclicks, Molly Lewis, 7:30 pm WHITE EAGLE—Cascade Rye, 7 pm, free

IFC TV

SATURDAY 1/5

SUNDAY 1/6

4.75”W X 13.5”H

RINGSIDE FISH HOUSE—Pete Krebs, Brent Martens, 6:30 pm, free THE SECRET SOCIETY—Bossa Nossa, 6 pm, free ★ SLABTOWN—Talkative, Soccer Babes, No More Parachutes, Cowboy + Statue, 9 pm ★ SOMEDAY LOUNGE—Jesse Layne, 9 pm, $6 ★ STAR THEATER—The Pynnacles, 9 pm WHITE EAGLE—The Reverb Brothers, 5:30 pm, free, all ages; Vagabond & Tramp, Jacob Miller & the Bridge City Crooners, 9:30 pm, $8

portland mercury

LISTINGS

Death Ray, Our First Brains, 48 Thrills, Fools Rush, Nasalrod, We Play Quiet, Steven Cole Smith, Jefferson Death Star, Slatwall, Ol Doris, 4:30 pm SOMEDAY LOUNGE—All the Apparatus, Compassion Guerilla, 9 pm ★ STAR THEATER—Ramble On, Ants in the Kitchen, Redlight Romeos, 9 pm, $10 WHITE EAGLE—The Student Loan, 4:30 pm, free, all ages; Weatherside Whiskey Band, Renegade Stringband, The Weather Machine, 9:30 pm, $8

ifc tv • portlandia season 3

Live Music

★ SLABTOWN—Hangover Fest: Pagerippers, Danger

Take Warning PresenTs WWW.facebook.com/TakeWarningPresenTs TWiTTer @TakeWarningsea

Saturday January 5th @ BackSpace cafe

My Mantle (e.P. Release!)

icarus The oWl Van ePs (sea) lancasTer

all ages (bar w/id) - 7:00 Pm adv. Tickets @ strangertickets.com

BIG ENOUGH TO SHARE. Scorpion Bowl Cocktails

3267 SE Hawthorne Blvd. Open Everyday 2pm-2:30am

18 portlandmercury.com January 2nd, 2013

Music

LAURELTHIRST PUBLIC HOUSE—Portland Country Underground, 6 pm, free; Kung Pao Chickens, 9 pm, free MISSISSIPPI PIZZA PUB—Mr. Ben, 5 pm, all ages MT. TABOR THEATER—The Sunny Side of the Street, 8:30 pm, free MUDDY RUDDER—Lloyd Jones, 8 pm PUB AT THE END OF THE UNIVERSE—Open Mic, 8 pm, free QUIMBY’S AT 19TH—Soul Mates, 7 pm ROCK BOTTOM BREWERY—Mt. Air Studios, 10 pm THE SECRET SOCIETY—Dominic Castillo, 6 pm, all ages TIGER BAR—AC Lov Ring, 9 pm WHITE EAGLE—Rare Monk, 8:30 pm, free

TUESDAY 1/8 BLUE DIAMOND—Margo Tufo, Doug Rowell, 9 pm BLUE MONK—Pagan Jug Band, 6:30 pm, free ★ BUNK BAR—Hookers, Grapefruit, 9 pm, $3 CRYSTAL BALLROOM—Keane, Youngblood Hawke, 8 pm, $30-35, all ages DOUG FIR—Augustana, Lauren Shera, 9 pm, $15-18 DUFF’S GARAGE—Trio Bravo, 6 pm, $2; Dover Weinberg Quartet, 9 pm, $2 THE ELIXIR LAB—Johnny D’s Community Jam, 7 pm GOODFOOT—Roseland Hunters, 9 pm, free HAWTHORNE THEATRE LOUNGE—That Much Further West Radio, 4 pm, free THE HUTCH—Open Mic, 8 pm, free IVORIES—Jazz Jam: Carey Campbell, Hank Hirsh Trio, 7:30 pm JADE LOUNGE—Songbird Showcase: Cynthia O’Brien, 7 pm JIMMY MAK’S—The MYS Combo, 6:30 pm, $3 LANDMARK SALOON—Sagebrush Sisters, 7:30 pm ★ LAURELTHIRST PUBLIC HOUSE—Jackstraw, 6 pm, free MISSISSIPPI PIZZA PUB—Jeremy Allen, 6 pm ROCK BOTTOM BREWERY—Brothers ’n’ Laws, 9 pm TAPALAYA—Reggie Houston, Janice Scroggins, 6 pm, free TASTE ON 23RD—Brandstson Duo, 6:30 pm, free THIRSTY LION—Eric John Kaiser, 9 pm TONY STARLIGHT’S—Ayars Vocal Showcase, 7:30 pm, $7 TWILIGHT CAFE & BAR—Open Mic Night: The Roaming, 8 pm VINO VIXENS—Arthur Moore’s Harmonica Party, 6 pm

DJ LISTINGS

WEDNESDAY 1/2

CC SLAUGHTERS—Trick: DJ Robb, 9 pm, free CRUZROOM—Do You Remember Rock & Roll Radio: Pat Kearns, Mark Brachmann THE EMBERS AVENUE—Gothic Industrial: DJ Jens, 9 pm FIRKIN TAVERN—VJ Norto, 9 pm JONES—Spin Sugar: Doc Adam, 10 pm, $5 LADD’S INN—DJ Kutthroat, 9:30 pm, free MOLOKO PLUS—King Tim 33.3, Discus Noir, 10 pm, free SAUCEBOX—DJ Nealie Neal STAR BAR—DJ Chris Crusher, 10 pm TIGER BAR—Juicy Wednesdays: DJ Detroit Diezel, 9 pm, $2 TUBE—No Counts: Chazz Madrigal, 10 pm

THURSDAY 1/3 CC SLAUGHTERS—Hiphop Heaven: DJ Alex Hollywood, 9 pm, free CROWN ROOM—Counter Culture, 10 pm, free THE EMBERS AVENUE—Request Night: DJ Jens FEZ—Shadowplay: DJ Horrid, DJ Ghoulunatic, DJ Paradox, 9 pm, free JONES—New Jack Swing: Doc Adam, 10 pm, $5 THE KNOW—Dirt Bag: Bruce LaBruiser, 8 pm LUCKY DEVIL—DJ Panty Droppa, free ★ MATADOR—DJ A-Train, 10 pm, free MOLOKO PLUS—King Tim 33.3, Discus Noir, 10 pm, free NICK’S FAMOUS CONEY ISLAND—Eye Candy: VJ Norto, The Phantom Hillbilly, 9 pm, free RADIO ROOM—Ghost Train, 9 pm SANTA FE TAQUERIA—Salsa Social SOS: DJ Armando, 9 pm SAUCEBOX—Evan Alexander SOMEDAY LOUNGE—Happy Hour: Mr. Romo, DJ Michael Grimes, 4 pm THE SPARE ROOM—DJ Doc Rock, 9 pm, free STAR BAR—DJ Barrett, 10 pm TUBE—Big Trouble in Little Chinatown: DJ Zimmie, Dev From Above, 7 pm VAULT—Jams: DJ 60/40

FRIDAY 1/4 BLITZ 21—DJ Sovern-T, 9 pm, free CC SLAUGHTERS—Filthy Fridays: DJ Robb, 9 pm, free

AN INTIMATE AND ACOUSTIC EVENING WITH

CASEY NEILL AUGUSTANA CLOROX GIRLS THE RETURN OF THE POST-NYE REBOOT WITH

& THE NORWAY RATS

BACARDI PRESENTS THE “BACK TO BASICS” SERIES HOVERCRAFT RECORDS SHOWCASE

(ACOUSTIC)

SATURDAY!

SASSPARILLA

+MCDOUGALL

SATURDAY JANUARY 5

•

$12 ADVANCE

A ROCKSTRAVAGANZA ALBUM RELEASE WITH

CROWN POINT

+LAUREN SHERA

TUESDAY JANUARY 8

•

$15 ADVANCE

SUICIDE NOTES BOOM! COURTNEY AND THE CRUSHERS GUANTANAMO BAYWATCH +HEY LOVER

THURSDAY JANUARY 10

•

$5 ADVANCE

SOUL-SONIC INDIE ROCK FROM SF

GEOGRAPHER MAKE IT A NIGHT Present that night’s show ticket and get $3 off any entree Sun - Thur in the dining room

WESTERN AERIAL +THREEBIT BOURBON

FRIDAY JANUARY 11

•

$8 ADVANCE

HAUNTING GOTH-FOLK FROM LA SINGER/SONGWRITER

CHELSEA WOLFE

830 E BURNSIDE • 503-231-WOOD • www.dougfirlounge.com

DOUG FIR RESTAURANT + BAR OPEN 7AM–LATE EVERYDAY SERVING BREAKFAST, LUNCH, DINNER, LATE-NIGHT. HAPPY HOUR 3-6 PM EVERYDAY, COVERED SMOKING PATIO, FIREPLACE ROOM, LOTS OF LOG. LIVE SHOWS IN THE LOUNGE...

+ON AN ON

SATURDAY JANUARY 12

•

$10 ADVANCE

AN EVENING OF SULTRY SMOOTHNESS FROM PDX

SHY GIRLS

LO-FI FOLK ROCK FROM BAY AREA DUO

+KING DUDE

SUNDAY JANUARY 13

•

FRIDAY JANUARY 18

$12 ADVANCE

BUZZWORTHY SYNTHPOP FROM SWEDEN

NIKI & THE DOVE

DE LA WARR +MAGIC FADES

•

$8 ADVANCE

BUZZWORTHY SYNTHPOP FROM SWEDEN

TWO GALLANTS

TRISTAN PRETTYMAN

+FUTURE TWIN

SATURDAY JANUARY 19

•

$15 ADVANCE

A SPECIAL EVENING OF SEA/PDX FOLK ENSEMBLES

+VACATIONER

THURSDAY JANUARY 24

•

$13 ADVANCE

AN INTIMATE EVENING WITH BELOVED SINGER/SONGWRITER

WILLY MASON

KRIS

ORLOWSKI

SATURDAY JANUARY 26

•

$15 ADVANCE

PUNK-INFUSED ALT-COUNTRY FROM FOR 16 HORSEPOWER FRONT-MAN

WOVENHAND +GREAT WILDERNESS

FRIDAY JANUARY 25

•

$8 ADVANCE

RICHLY MELODIC, RETRO-FUTURIST SOUL-POP FROM SCOTTISH PHENOM

SUNDAY JANUARY 27

•

$12 ADVANCE

HARMONIOUS AND BITTERSWEET MELONCHONY FROM BELOVED SUPER-DUO

ADAM GREEN & BINKI SHAPIRO MONDAY FEBRUARY 4

•

EMELI SANDE EMILY KING +LUCY SHWARTZ

$10 ADVANCE

SATURDAY FEBRUARY 2

•

$13 ADVANCE

WEDNESDAY JANUARY 30

•

$14 ADVANCE

OM 2/9 North Mississippi Allstars 2/12 Ramona Falls 3/1 Divers + Broncho 3/4 Hillstomp 3/15 + 3/16 Lianne La Havas 3/25 All of these shows on sale at Ticketfly.com

BENJAMIN FRANCIS LEFTWICH 2/6 • MARCO BENEVENTO 2/8 • OM 2/9 • NORTH MISSISSIPI ALLSTARS 2/12 THE RUBY SUNS 2/15 • BUKE AND GASE 2/16 • MOUSE ON MARS 2/19 • MIKE COOLEY 2/20 • THE WHAMMY 2/22 ADVANCE TICKETS AT TICKETFLY - www.tickfly.com and at JACKPOT RECORDS • SUBJECT TO SERVICE CHARGE &/OR USER FEE ALL SHOWS: 8PM DOORS / 9PM SHOW • 21+ UNLESS NOTED • BOX OFFICE OPENS 1/2 HOUR BEFORE DOORS • ROOM PACKAGES AVAILABLE AT www.jupiterhotel.com

January 2nd, 2013 portlandmercury.com 19

B e fo re Yo u T o

k in

Thursday 1/3

The Conjugals

with Special Guests

FRIDAY 1/4

503.288.3895 3939 N. Mississippi info@mississippistudios.com

8pm doors/ 9pm show BarBar all ages until 9pm 21+ unless otherwise noted

Bubblin Presents: Eclectic dance-infused electronic music

DANNY CORN (PDNEXT)

A lively resurgence of the music from the 1960’s Italian-made Western films

FEDERALE

GULLS (BOOMARM NATION)

BEN TACTIC (BUBBLIN/THINK2WICE)

Fri, Jan 4 9pmDoors/10pmShow

$5 Adv

Jack Daniels Presents Mississippin’ with: Acoustic and alt-country from a trio of talents

Transcendental guitar from multi-talented artist of the Sun City Girls

SIR RICHARD BISHOP

AUDIOS AMIGOS BEN VON WILDENHAUS

MELVILLE • SPIRIT LAKE

$5 Adv

An authentic Seattle voice of jazz, blues, and rock

PAULA BOGGS BAND

Sat, Jan 12 6:30pmDoors/7pmShow $10 Adv Hip-hop at it’s finest from local tastemakers

TxE

Fri, Jan 11

$10 Adv

A delectable dance party

Sat, Jan 12

$5 DoS

10pm-2am

OPBMusic Presents PDX/Rx: Experimental and innovative pop from Portland tastemakers

AND AND AND

VINNIE DEWAYNE

Sun, Jan 13

$6 Adv

Compelling voices of mountain gospel, doo-wop, and classic soul

OHIOAN SUN ANGLE

Tue, Jan 15

Free Show

Square Peg Concerts Presents: Country favorites with songs of swagger and soul

BIRDS of CHICAGO RANDY ROGERS BAND JENN RAWLING & BASHO PARKS HUCK NOTARI

WADE BOWEN

Wed, Jan 16 7pmDoors/8pmShow $10 Adv

Thu, Jan 17 7pmDoors/8pmShow $20 Adv

Whiskey tinged country songs with timeless appeal

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★ DEVILS POINT—DJ Kenoy, 9 pm, free ELEMENT—Chris Alice, 9 pm THE EMBERS AVENUE—On the Avenue: DJ Jens, 9 pm GOODFOOT—DJ Magneto, 9 pm, $5 JONES—Back to the Future Fridays: DJ Zimmie, 8 pm, $5 LOLA’S ROOM—’80s Video Dance Attack: VJ Kittyrox, 8 pm, $6 THE LOVECRAFT—Brickbat Mansion: Curatrix, DJ Wednesday, 10 pm, free LUCKY DEVIL—DJ Joe, free MATADOR—Infamous: DJ Rattooth, DJ Makeout, 10 pm, free ★ MISSISSIPPI STUDIOS—Bubblin: Danny Corn, Gulls, Josh T., Drumplestiltskin, Lincolnup, Ben Tactic, 10 pm, $5 MOTHERS VELVET LOUNGE CAFE—Mr. Mumu REFUGE—Subsonic Visionaries: 2Nutz, Ionik, Pressha, Ohm Wrecker, DJ Dreams in Yous, 10 pm, $10 STAR BAR—Blank Fridays: DJ Ikon, 10 pm, free TRIPLE NICKEL—DJ Stockholmz, 9:30 pm TUBE—Hot Mess: Doc Adam, 7 pm

Fri 1/4

Vagabond and Tramp Jacob Miller and the Bridge City Crooners 9:30 p.m.

SATURDAY 1/5 AURA—Twice as Nice: DJ TJ, A Train, Tandem, 10 pm, $10 CC SLAUGHTERS—House of Hollywood: DJ Alex Hollywood, 9 pm, free THE CONQUISTADOR—DJ Rhienna, DJF CRUZROOM—John-Lewis Lookingglass, Theronious Chunk, 10 pm, free DEVILS POINT—DJ Brooks, 9 pm, free THE EMBERS AVENUE—Portland Tonight: DJ Jens, 9 pm FEZ—Twice as Nice: DJ TJ, A Train, Tandem, 10 pm, $10 GOLD DUST MERIDIAN—Clap Trap: DJ Gregarious, DJ Disorder, 10 pm, free GREELEY AVE. BAR AND GRILL—Eye Candy: VJ Norto, The Phantom Hillbilly, 9 pm, free ★ GROOVE SUITE—After Dark ★ HOLOCENE—Booty Bassment: Maxx Bass, Nathan Detroit, Ryan & Dimitri, 9 pm, $5 JONES—’80s & ’90s Dance Music, 10 pm, $5 LUCKY DEVIL—DJ Kenoy, free MOLOKO PLUS—King Tim 33.3, Discus Noir, 10 pm, free MOTHERS VELVET LOUNGE CAFE—Mr. Mumu ★ ROTTURE—Andaz: DJ Anjali, The Incredible Kid, 9 pm, $3-7 ★ THE SECRET SOCIETY—Soulciety!: DJ Drew Groove, Katrina Martiani, 9 pm, $4 THE SPARE ROOM—Sugar Town: DJ Action Slacks, 9 pm, $5 TRIPLE NICKEL—DJ Stockholmz, 9:30 pm TUBE—DJ Freaky Outty, 7 pm

SUNDAY 1/6 AALTO LOUNGE—Whiskey Bitters, 9 pm, free ALLEYWAY CAFE & BAR—Country Music, 3 pm, free, all ages ★ BEULAHLAND—The Original Eye Candy Video Night: VJ Norto, The Phantom Hillbilly, 9 pm, free CC SLAUGHTERS—Superstar Divas, DJ Robb, 8 pm, free CRUSH—DJ Mikey, 10 am-2 pm DEVILS POINT—Stripparaoke: KJ Zero, 9 pm, free THE EMBERS AVENUE—Noches Latinas: DJ Marco, 9 pm LUCKY DEVIL—Ladies Night: DJ Mani, free STAR BAR—DJ Riff Randell, DJ Baby Lemonade, 10 pm

MONDAY 1/7 GROUND KONTROL—Service Industrial: DJ Tibin, 9 pm KELLY’S OLYMPIAN—Eye Candy: VJ Norto, Phantom Hillbilly, 8 pm, free MATADOR—I Don’t Like Mondays: DJ Rhienna, DJF, 10 pm, free

Sat 1/5

Weatherside Whiskey Band Renegade Stringband The Weather Machine 9:30 p.m.

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OUR PICKS OF THE WEEK

Getting Right with Butcher Baker the Righteous Maker by Erik Henriksen Mike Huddleston. Truer words have rarely been bunch of freaks try to beat the shit out of each spoken, at least in comics: Butcher Baker begins other!”—but in its feverish attempts to titillate, with Jay Leno and Dick Cheney heading into it veers close to pulp profundity. “As a sua sex club to recruit the super-powperhero, I had a pretty simple code,” ered Butcher Baker, who’s bringButcher says at one point. “Selfing no fewer than three women awareness is for pussies.” But to orgasm while remembering both Butcher and Butcher Baker “the good ol’ days”—when, drivare well aware of how to best ing around in a star-spangled exploit their lurid charms, and semi, he threw supervillains into in the process, there’s plenty a prison called the Crazy Keep. of stuff to say—about the sad by Joe Casey and Agents of an evil empire, Leno state of superhero comics, about Mike Huddleston and Cheney ask Butcher to blow growing old, about failing. Butcher (Image Comics) up the Crazy Keep—a task that kicks speeds and fucks and jokes and off Butcher Baker’s splattered-withpunches his way through these pages, various-fluids chaos. a man who the world has left behind—and a Butcher Baker is, as Casey notes, “a mother- man who’s happy to drag the world, kicking and fucking comic book where shit blows up and a screaming, right back to where he wants it.

Butcher Baker the Righteous Maker

DON’T IMAGINE you’re going to see this book optioned by a Hollywood production company or turned into a major motion picture any time soon (not if I can help it… and I fucking can).” So writes Joe Casey in the backmatter of the Butcher Baker the Righteous Maker hardcover, which collects all eight issues of the series, illustrated with gorgeous, hallucinogenic energy by

BOOK REVIEW

JANET JULIAN

“I

JUNK TOWN REUNION

GROUP SHOW • GRASS HUT ART MARKET 400 NW COUCH • OPENS JAN 3

Elementary

Slipped in Between Things—Well Arts presents a staged reading of oral histories collected from interviews with seniors living in low-income housing. Portland Actors Conservatory, 1436 SW Montgomery, 4594500, opens Fri Jan 4, Fri 7:30 pm, Sat 2 pm, through Jan 12, $5-10, wellarts.org

Genre-Busting Detective Thrills in Grandville Bête Noir by Alison Hallett the ongoing adventures of Detective-Inspector 100 pages, and while the book design and aniLeBrock, a Scotland Yard detective who happens to mal-headed characters evoke a children’s book, be half badger. The series is set in an alternate the story itself is impressively dense, full of reality in which an animal-headed ruling art history, Sherlock Holmes references, class presides over a steampunk verand odd historical synchronicities. The sion of Victorian England. (Humans book is visually dense as well: This exist, in the form of a subservient is a jumbled Paris of grubby artists’ underclass known as “doughfaces.”) studios, lavish aristocratic dining Bête Noire hinges on a murder rooms, and weird, animal-themed by Bryan Talbot in the Paris art world, and features brothels. Plus, Talbot’s endlessly (Dark Horse) such familiar(ish) historical figures varied panels pace the story intellias “August Rodent” and “Jackson Polgently: big, wordless action sequences lo” (a chicken!). There are also capitalist fly by, while headier scenes demand the toads, clueless owls, and a nefarious plot to take reader slow down and pay attention. The end, over Paris—not to mention the gold-hearted pros- when it comes, feels a bit anticlimactic—it wraps titute who’s stolen LeBrock’s heart. up too hastily. Otherwise, though, Grandville Bête This oversized hardback weighs in at just under Noir is snappy, inventive, and tons of fun.

The Lost Boy—A play based on what’s recognized to be the first ransom kidnapping in America: The 1874 abduction of Little Charlie Ross in Philadelphia. Artists Repertory Theatre, 1515 SW Morrison, 2411278, opens Tues Jan 8, Tues-Sun 7:30 pm, Sun 2 pm, through Feb 10, $20-45, artistsrep.org

Grandville Bête Noire

ILLED AS A “scientific-romance thriller,” Bryan Talbot’s enjoyable new graphic novel Grandville Bête Noir is the third installment in

HISTORY ROUND UP

ORTLAND TODAY is a mostly nice city fueled by coffee and beer. It wasn’t always like that, though. It used to be a muddy frontier town powered by coffee and beer. On Wednesday, January 2, at Powell’s (1005 W Burnside), authors Richard Thompson (Portland’s Interurban Railway) and Donald R. Nelson (Portland, Oregon: East of the Willamette River) will delve into the various ways that Portland developed outward from its Westside core. If that’s not enough for you, though, there’s no shortage of options for the prospective Portland history nerd. Below are a few of the best ways to transmit Portland factoids into your brain.

Portland: People, Politics, and Power

by Jewel Lansing (Oregon State University Press) If you’re looking for a solid, one-volume history of Portland, this is it. Jewel Lansing’s book is mostly concerned with Portland governance, from initial settlement up to almost the present day. All of the information is excellent, but Lansing often focuses on governance to the exclusion of anything else. No other book about Portland, though, distills as much history between its covers.

Wildmen, Wobblies, and Whistle Punks

by Stewart Holbrook (Oregon State University Press) Almost the opposite of Lansing’s book, Stewart Holbrook’s collection of essays about the Pacific Northwest abounds with color. Holbrook, a former logger, was an all-purpose raconteur who wrote for the Oregonian. Holbrook is easily the most entertaining writer on this list, and his stories are evocative of Portland as a rough frontier town filled with bearded loggers and tattooed sailors. Holbrook was as good a bullshitter as he was a writer, and a lot of his stories

Eliot Treichel—The Ooligan Press-published author discusses his new story collection Close Is Fine with Alexis Smith, author of the great Tin House title Glaciers. Powell’s Books on Hawthorne, 3723 SE Hawthorne, Mon Jan 7, 7:30 pm, powells.com

Know Your Home All the Oregon History That’s Fit to Print by Joe Streckert bear the whiff of tall tales. Nevertheless, Holbrook is amazingly entertaining, and his work is good for giving the reader a sense of Portland’s long-gone character.

home the fact that as recently as 1957 Portland was a fairly dodgy place.

Anything by E. Kimbark MacColl

2115 SE Morrison History, first and foremost, is about dead people. Lone Fir Cemetery has quite a few of those. Portland’s pioneer cemetery makes for a nice, morbid walk in its own right, and the Friends of Lone Fir Cemetery organization put on regular walking tours and headstone cleaning workshops. Most notably, their annual Halloween Tour of Untimely Departures details how various residents of the cemetery died in gruesome ways (although the tour did not happen this fall).

E. Kimbark MacColl’s books on Portland (especially Merchants, Money, and Power) are doorstoppingly definitive in their length, detail, and depth. MacColl’s books are something of a Portland encyclopedia, offering layers of detail that no one else has attempted. The only downside to MacColl’s works: They stop at 1950. As huge as MacColl’s books are, you’ll want more.

Wicked Portland

by Finn J.D. John (History Press) Finn J.D. John’s work is a bit on the slight side, but offers a good portrait of crime, corruption, and general ne’er-do-well-ness in 1800s Portland. John is all about hookers, sailors, opium, gambling, and other old-timey nefariousness. Speaking of nasty bits:

Dark Rose

by Robert C. Donnelly (University of Washington Press)

Portland Conﬁdential

by Phil Stanford (WestWinds Press) Phil Stanford’s Portland Confidential, detailing organized crime in 1950s Portland, is fairly well known. Robert C. Donnelley’s Dark Rose, which covers the same material, is a bit better than Stanford’s more famous work. Both books drive

PORTLANDMERCURY.COM HAS A COMPLETE CALENDAR OF ARTS EVENTS

Lone Fir Cemetery

Stumptown Stories

facebook.com/stumptownstories Nestled beneath the Rialto Poolroom is the cozy Jack London Bar (529 SW 4th), the venue for Stumptown Stories. The weekly lecture series happens every Tuesday, and topics range from overviews of Portland’s theme parks to lectures about how Portland combined itself with the formerly independent cities of East Portland, Albina, and St. Johns. (Ass-covering conflictof-interest disclaimer: I’m a regular speaker at Stumptown Stories.)

The Dill Pickle Club

Rise to Greatness: Abraham Lincoln and America’s Most Perilous Year—David Von Drehle’s look at how Daniel DayLewis Abraham Lincoln won the Civil War. Powell’s City of Books, 1005 W Burnside, Tues Jan 8, 7:30 pm, powells.com

dillpickleclub.org Having little to do with actual pickles, the Dill Pickle Club hosts various lectures and tours (both the bus and walking variety) about Portland history. Topics range from the history of Old Town to North Portland gentrification. Also notably, they were the ones behind the publication of Mercury reporter Sarah Mirk’s Oregon History Comics.

Various Kick Ass Oregon History Events

orhistory.com Kick Ass Oregon History is what happens when nerds get drunk and high. Self-described as being all about “sex, drugs, and earth-shattering devastation,” the podcast is proof that history is always better with a few well-placed fuck bombs. Historian/podcaster Doug KenckCrispin has started branching out and hosting lectures and movie nights at various venues. It’s like history class, but with beer and swears. (Additional ass-covering disclaimer: I’ve been a guest speaker at one of these, and will do so again in later this month).

Oregon Archives Crawl

pdxarchivists.wordpress.com Every October, the Oregon Historical Society, PSU, the Multnomah County Library, and the City of Portland Archives open to put various documents and artifacts on display during the Portland Archives Crawl, an event that can best be summed up as “history-nerd Christmas.” The organizations open their vaults, display materials of note, and the City of Portland Archives gives ordinary citizens a look at their warehouse-like horde of documents.

Vintage Portland

vintageportland.wordpress.com Like pictures of cobblestones and old buildings? Of course you do. Vintage Portland is a blog filled with that. Give it a look.

January 2nd, 2013 portlandmercury.com 23

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READINGS

WEDNESDAY 1/2

RICHARD THOMPSON, DON NELSON Powell’s is all about Portland history tonight, with a reading from Thompson’s Portland’s Interurban Railway, and Nelson’s Portland, Oregon: East of the Willamette River. Powell’s City of Books, 1005 W Burnside, 228-4651, 7:30 pm

THURSDAY 1/3 ARTHUR #33

A release party for the latest issue of Arthur magazine, featuring original art on display from Rick Veitch and Gabby Schulz. Floating World Comics, 400 NW Couch, 241-0227, 6 pm

FRIDAY 1/4

KAREN BROOKS A reading from The Mighty Gastropolis: Portland: A Journey Through the Center of America’s Food Revolution, written by a woman who witnessed said revolution spring up around her in real-time. Powell’s City of Books, 1005 W Burnside, 228-4651, 7:30 pm

SUNDAY 1/6 T.J. BROWN

Summerset Abbey is Brown’s first novel in a new series centered on two sisters and their maid living in a sprawling, aristocratic estate in the time just before World War I and this isn’t at all somewhat reminiscent of a PBS drama whose name rhymes with “Pownton Shabbey.” Powell’s Books at Cedar Hills Crossing, 3415 SW Cedar Hills, Beaverton, 228-4651, 5 pm

URSULA K. LE GUIN The Unreal & the Real is a two-volume selection of Le Guin’s best short stories. Powell’s City of Books, 1005 W Burnside, 228-4651, 7:30 pm

MONDAY 1/7

AUTHORS IN PUBS Featuring readings from featured author Jennifer Willis, and local writers Shawna Reppert, Grant Keltner, Cody Newton, John Miller, Terry McLean, Sean Walter, Jonathan Ems, Melina Holl, Taylor Adell Patterson, Erik J. Romano, and Matt Styner. Music by the Consort Symbiotic. Jack London Bar at the Rialto, 529 SW 4th, 227-5327, 7 pm, free

OREGON WRITERS ON CRAFT AND THE CREATIVE LIVE Brave on the Page is a collection of writings about being a writer in Oregon. The event features contributors Kristy Athens, Jon Bell, Kate Gray, Robert Hill, Gigi Little, Gina Ochsner, Joanna Rose, Scott Sparling, and Yuvi Zalkow. Powell’s City of Books, 1005 W Burnside, 228-4651, 7:30 pm

THEATER

The Unscriptables present their take on Tennessee Williams’ universe, full of sweaty, conflicted, pent-up people all having to deal with the undead rising up and complicating their job searches. Funhouse Lounge, 2432 SE 11th, 309-3723, opens Jan 5, Sat 8 pm, through Feb 16

VISUAL ART AFFECTIVE DUPLICATION An exhibition from graffiti artist the Reader, using painting, screen printing, collage, and sculpture in various combinations. White Box, 24 NW 1st, through Jan 26

ART OF MUSICAL MAINTENANCE 9 The Goodfoot’s annual celebration of poster art, featuring more than 300 works by over 40 artists. Goodfoot, 2845 SE Stark, 239-9292, through Jan 20

BIG 300 An exhibit featuring more than 300 artists, each creating 10 works on 8x8 wood, with over 3000 works available for purchase at $40. Proceeds go to Oregon Food Bank. People’s Art of Portland at Pioneer Square Mall, 700 SW 5th, Suite 4005, through Jan 13

BLURRED LINES PLYWERK presents a group show featuring works from John Ecklund, Kim Oanh Nguyen, and Andrew Walsh, answering the question, “Where does nature end and urban environment start?” Fifty24PDX Gallery, 23 NW 5th, 548-4835, through Jan 27

CELESTIAL CLOCKWORK: HERSCHEL MCSHOUGLE’S DREAM OF TEN THOUSAND YEARS The sixth presentation from the Society for Nebulous Knowledge, headed by Mariana Tres, whose works examine the veracity of photography, science, and recorded history. Chambers@916, 916 NW Flanders, 227-9398, Thurs Jan 3, 6 pm and Jan 4-Feb 2

CROW’S SHADOW INSTITUTE OF THE ARTS An exhibit of works from winners of the Golden Spot awards, including Pat Boas, Arnold J. Kemp, Eva Lake, Susan Murrell, Jenene Nagy, and Storm Tharp. PDX Contemporary Art, 925 NW Flanders, 222-0063, Thurs Jan 3, 6 pm and Jan 4-19

DREAM INC. A curated exhibition of works from artist Richard Schemmerer, focused on the subject of the American dream in decline. Cock Gallery, 625 NW Everett #106, Jan 3-Feb 2

NICOLE GEORGES An exhibit of artworks from Georges’ latest comic, Calling Doctor Laura. Powell’s City of Books, 1005 W Burnside, 228-4651, Thurs Jan 3, 6:30 pm

THE BOOK OF MORMON The Tony Award-winning phenomenon by Matt Parker and Trey Stone that turns the story of Mormon missionaries in Uganda into a ridiculous and glorious musical comedy. Keller Auditorium, 222 SW Clay, 248-4335, through Jan 5, 7:30 pm, Sat Jan 5, 2 pm and Sun Jan 6, 1 & 6:30 pm, $38.50.

SAT 1/5 -McTUFF FRI 1/4 - DJ MAGNETO & FRIENDS THURS 1/3 - THE SCOTT PEMBERTON TRIO WED 1/2 - PHILLY’S PHUNKESTRA MON - SONIC FORUM - OPEN MIC TUES 1/8 THE ROSELAND HUNTERS (Damien Erskine, Michael Quimby, Reinhard Melz)

WED 1/9 - BROTHER DUET: JACK DWYER & BEN LARSON / PAINE & MONEY THURS 1/10 - SCOTT PEMBERTON TRIO FRI 1/11- DJ AQUAMAN’S SOUL STEW SAT 1/12- THE GOODFOOT ALL-STARS MON - SONIC FORUM - OPEN MIC TUES 1/15 - THE ROSELAND HUNTERS (Damien Erskine, Michael Quimby, Reinhard Melz)

ARMS AND THE MAN Northwest Classical Theatre Company presents George Bernard Shaw’s frantic satire about a social climbing young woman and a professional soldier comically finding their way towards true love. Shoe Box Theater, 2110 SE 10th, 971-244-3740, Thurs-Sat 7:30 pm, Sun 2 pm, through Jan 20, $18-20

GOODFOOT

CABARET BURLYNOMICON Critical Hit Burlesque presents a night of dance inspired by the writings of H.P. Lovecraft, featuring performances from Babs Jamboree, Sandria Dore, Sofia Flash, and Hazel Mae. The Lovecraft, 421 SE Grand, 971-270-7760, Tues Jan 8, 9 pm, $5 VIVIAN CHEN

COMEDY/IMPROV MIKE EPPS A night of stand-up from the star of the Friday sequels and The Hangover. Helium Comedy Club, 1510 SE 9th, 888-643-8669, Fri Jan 4-Sat Jan 5, 7 & 10 pm and Sun Jan 6, 7 & 9:30 pm, $27-35

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For a complete calendar of arts events, see portlandmercury.com

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2013 Style Predictions Local Experts on What to Expect in the Coming Year!

by Marjorie Skinner

Unfortunately in 2012 we lost a truly great artist, and as someone who grew up in the ‘90s this man was one of my biggest idols and style icons. Adam Yauch aka MCA of the Beastie Boys passed away from a long battle with cancer on May 4. Facebook was flooded with posts of how he’ll be missed, bars played Beasties hits all night, my friends and I chatted about what the Beastie Boys meant to us—hell, I even got a text from my brother (who is not the best communicator) to ask me how I was doing. It was a sad day indeed. So in honor of a great man, and because it’s just plain badass, in the Year of the Snake I’ll be dressing like I just stepped out of 1992’s “Gratitude” video, sans Kangol. Adidas shell toes and Campuses, Phillies Blunt shirts, baggy snowboarding gear, etc. Feel free to bite (my style that is) and let’s all get ready for a great year while remembering who we lost this past one.

T’S ANYONE’S GUESS what you’ll find

yourself wearing and coveting in 2013. But if anyone can predict these things, it’s the people working closely in various aspects of the style industry. Below are the top predictions for the new year from your local experts.

TITO CHOWDHURY executive producer of FASHIONxt, fashionxt.net Fashion will become a bigger part of lifestyle, as [we] seek fashion to enhance our life experiences, make them more interesting and exciting [through] their design, user experience, and coolness factor. Entities/companies, from ready to wear to athletic wear, [and] economies that can facilitate combining their right and left brains together will come out as winners. It will be a gradual process, rather than just next year, but it will arrive a lot quicker than most people imagine. Not just apparel, but also their personal technology. iPhones will hit a decline in popularity [due to the] staleness of its style [and] look. People will find more unique, exciting styles from other companies (unless iPhone comes up with something quite different). Independent designers and their followers will continue to be more aware of the real impact of their work, [viewing] their craft as the business of creating a living wage and consequential impact. More clothing boutiques will pop up. As newly opened ultra-small apartments in the downtown core/Pearl are making it affordable for younger people to live there, it will create more young, affordable, hipster fashion moments in the scene. Our new mayor’s wife, who’s well traveled, outward looking in her professional capacity, and a fashion enthusiast, may play a visible role in promoting style.

“Fast Fashion is Just Fucking Lame.”

CHARLOTTE REICH owner of Palace, palacestore.com My hopes for 2013 style: East Coast equestrian, thick wool knits, houndstooth, tweed, leather, raw silk, hats, hand-knit socks, and androgyny. For the home: ferns!

ELIZABETH MOLLO fashion show producer, MOD contributor, mod.portlandmercury.com My hope for 2013 is that people will continue to put pressure on [large clothing] companies, that the companies continue to improve their policies, and for the general public to finally realize that fast fashion is just fucking lame.

CRISPIN ARGENTO owner of PINO, pinoportland.com In: metallics (the future is here); fuller-cut pants (think Halston!); mod: Pierre Cardin circa 1960s; sustainability in fashion is not just for hippies and real change is happening, albeit slowly; “Made in Usa” is big; the fashion and art world dating again; Balenciaga and Alexander Wang—brilliant, but scary; clutches; water print, kitten heels; and sheer for women. Out: super stilettos; studded everything; giant trash-bag-sized purses; men’s jewelry (e.g., 25 seventh-grade-level bracelets polluting arms); the heritage/Americana look; floral for men; and boat shoes—sorry, boys.

LINDSEY REIF designer and owner of Reif Haus, reif-haus.com We’ll start moving away from the tribal prints and into more geometric prints. I’ve already seen this happening with some of the new prints from Pendleton’s Portland Collection—they are reminiscent of their roots, but taking more of an abstract, geometric shape, and it’s great.

BREE GOERTZEN

REIF NEIL DACOSTA

CONNIE WOHN fashion show producer 2013 is the year of the fashion umbrella! Thanks, Pendleton Portland Collection. Menswear also seems to be taking a front seat for once. In local design, I think AK Vintage is insanely amazing, and Frances May and Yo Vintage! are both pushing the envelope for retail. Table of Contents is also a great addition to the Portland retail landscape, and Solestruck is smart, active, and doing cool shit.

SHARON BLAIR director of Portland Sewing, portlandsewing.com, and designer of Studio SKB, studioskb.com Think small. Boutiques will continue to use words like “edited” and “curated” when talking about the lines of clothing they carry. Generation gaps are fading. Sixty is the new 40. These folks are retiring young enough and with money enough to stay in shape and enjoy life. They’re fit, healthy, and tech savvy. The only thing they fear is boredom. Closed loop is the new eco fabric. If you’ve read my “Sew Green” article in Threads magazine, you’ll know that there are drawbacks to the fabrics we often call “eco.” Look for the super-synthetics being developed by companies, including Adidas and Nike, to take the place of such things as organic cotton and bamboo. These new fabrics will use, instead of oil, chemicals that are recycled instead of released into the environment. This is called a closed-loop system. Here’s a bonus: They’ll use nano technology for breathability and comfort. They’ll even build up static electricity so you can charge your cell phone while you’re on the go.

MARIANNE SCHNELL blogger, thestyletrial.com I eagerly anticipate a sleek overall cleanup with a resurgence of pretty pumps, fuller mod silhouettes, and a broadened spectrum of styling with mixed prints and unexpected color palettes. Also nothing will be more trés chic than showing off

a well-constructed piece (Pendleton: we meet again). A high level of craftsmanship in your wardrobe will determine who’s who more than ever. Sorry, Forever 21. Maybe next year.

DIANA KIM owner of Stand Up Comedy, shopstandingup.us “Lifestyle” as a convincing selling tool will die a long, prolonged death. Architecture will replace printed material as the overarching, parallel design practice that most influences retail culture. “Fashion” will interpret this as hero worship of the architect; will be wrong. Everyone will continue to love Celine; will be correct. Cult brands will continue to embrace mass retail/revenue; most self-aware practitioners (underground and other) will recede further into the abyss; will continue to not give a shit. Major fashion magazines will give up the masquerade of being anything other than ruthlessly irrelevant advertorials. Celebrity looks will continue to represent the end of the sewage pipe of fashion and/or style. Marketers will continue to push sex appeal and/or traditional femininity as an apex of style; will continue to disgust/bore 90 percent of the buying public. Men’s clothing will become much more interesting than women’s. Inspirations: flat shoes, big shorts, athletic looks, real value (to you), quiet jewelry, and repetition.

MARISSA SULLIVAN blogger, Portland’s Pretty, portlandspretty.wordpress.com (and Mercury Account Executive)

Odessa, odessaportland.com Looking forward to Spring 2013, it seems like palettes are toning down a bit: more black and white, with and without pops of color. This is done very well by Phoebe Philo, as seen in the Celine runway show. For amazing color, print, and texture you cannot miss Dolce & Gabbana’s Spring 2013 line! Usually I could take it or leave it, but D&G’s spring line is beautiful and a bit bizarre. And, of course I always love Isabel Marant! Be it 2012, 2013, or any previous season, I always find too many things that I must have in her collections. She always seems to come up with just what is needed to create the perfect cool á la Charlotte Gainsbourg, my fave style icon year after year. This season she designed some lovely prints that are super pretty and approachable. I’m hoping color sticks around at least a little bit in the year to come. Especially here in Portland we need a little color to contrast with the grey and remind us that summer will actually come each year! Similarly I have been loving color for furnishings and interior flourishes. A little red or turquoise can be the perfect accent with white and wood. And plants, plants, plants! I want a little jungle in my house!!!

COCO MADRID promoter/booker/dancer, SNAP! ‘90s dance party and MOD contributor OH EMM G!!! I am so excited to replicate the luxe looks from Jeremy Scott’s Spring/Summer collection. Snake, giraffe, crocodile, and leopard make up the prints throughout a collection of halter tops, hot pants, jackets, and overalls in leather and silk. Stepping away from the Lisa Frank on Acid collections of the past, “Arab Spring” opts for black, gold, and teal for the Spring/Summer color palette that invokes imagery from MIA’s “Bad Girls” video plus a bit of ‘90s realness.

KAYLA REKOFKE Yo Vintage!, shopyovintage.com, and MOD contributor 2013 feels like it will be more streamlined. Modern silhouettes, skinny pointy toed heels, statement jewelry, and slick classic hairstyles. I personally am moving towards less “trendy” items like my beloved tranny shoes of 2012, and anything too girly. Nail art will be a mainstay, but not as loud as 2012. 2013 has me feeling dark and decadent with pops of fur, pin straight hair, and sexy androgynous looks for night.

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2013 in Film: A Reckoning 2013 Is Going to Make 2012 Look Like CRAP by Erik Henriksen

SPRING BREAKERS Wheee! Spring break!!!

spit on 2012’s grave. I whisper sweet nothings in 2013’s ear. Let us look ahead.

12 Years a Slave—Great, another incredibly depressing Steve McQueen shame movie. SPOILER: It’s about slavery. Stars Brad Pitt, Michael Fassbender, and Benedict Cumberbatch. Anchorman: The Legend Continues— Something tells me you’re already excited about this one? Let’s just pour ourselves another scotch and move on. Carrie—Normally a horror remake wouldn’t get anywhere near a “most anticipated” list… but this one has Julianne Moore… as Carrie’s mom! AAAAAUUUUGHHHHH— The Counselor —Pre-Prometheus, the idea of Ridley Scott directing an original Cormac McCarthy script sounded great! PostPrometheus... um, neat! An original Cormac McCarthy script! Ender’s Game—Orson Scott Card’s brilliant sci-fi novel from 1985 finally hits the big screen. Too bad Card has since come out as a raging homophobe. Good job ruining everything for everybody, Orson. The Fast and the Furious 6 —Look, I really like the Rock. And I like Haywire’s Gina Carano even more. Whatever. Make your own goddamn list if you’re so goddamn fancy. The Grandmaster—You had me at “Wong Kar-wai” and “kung fu” in the same sentence. Gravity and Elysium—Two big-deal sci-fi flicks: the long-delayed Gravity stars George Clooney and Sandra Bullock, and marks Alfonso Cuarón’s return to the genre after the amazing Children of Men; Elysium stars Matt Damon and is Neill Blomkamp’s follow-up to District 9. The Great Gatsby—F. Scott Fitzgerald! : ) Baz Luhrmann! : ( Her—Spike Jonze and Joaquin Phoenix’s story about a man who falls in love with “a newly developed operating system designed to meet the user’s every need.” This sounds Siri-ous! I am very sorry for typing that. I’m So Excited—Pedro Almodóvar’s new comedy looks significantly less nightmareinducing than The Skin I Live In, so that’ll be nice. Inside Llewyn Davis—The Coen brothers. Moving on. Iron Man 3, Thor: The Dark World, and Man of Steel—Disney continues to print money from all things Avengers-related, with Shane Black (Kiss Kiss Bang Bang) taking over Iron Man and Alan Taylor (Game of Thrones) sequelizing Thor. Warner Bros. gamely attempts, yet again, to make anyone give a shit about Superman.

Much Ado About Nothing—After making The Avengers, Joss Whedon got a bunch of his actor buddies together at his house and made a Shakespeare movie. Okay! Oldboy—Spike Lee and Josh Brolin remake Park Chan-wook’s South Korean epic. Maybe it won’t be as awful as it sounds? It probably will. (Also see Stoker, below.) Only God Forgives—The last movie Nicolas Winding Refn and Ryan Gosling made together was Drive. See you there. Pacific Rim—Guillermo del Toro’s (Pan’s Labyrinth) first film in five years would be exciting enough—but the fact it looks like del Toro’s biggest, craziest movie yet is a pretty great bonus. Queen of the Desert—Finally, the Werner Herzog/Robert Pattinson team-up we’ve been waiting for! Side Effects and Behind the Candelabra—Steven Soderbergh is threatening to quit movies forever, which means these—a pharmaceutical thriller and a Liberace biopic starring Michael Douglas—might be his final movies. If I hadn’t already used a frowny emoticon above, I would use one right here. Spring Breakers—Finally, the Harmony Korine/James Franco/Vanessa Hudgens/ Selena Gomez team-up we’ve been waiting for. Star Trek into Darkness—Probably 2013’s best bet for blockbustery fun, at least if J.J. Abrams’ first Star Trek is any indication. Stoker—The new thriller from Park Chanwook (The Vengeance Trilogy) looks suitably unsettling. The To-Do List—A sex comedy with Aubrey Plaza and Donald Glover. This is an excellent idea. To the Wonder—New Terrence Malick! And there’s an outside chance there’ll be another Malick film this year, too—Knight of Cups—but don’t count on it. Under the Skin—Jonathan Glazer (Sexy Beast, Birth) makes a movie in which Scarlett Johansson plays a man-eating alien. I’m guessing there’s more to this than there was to Species. Upstream Color—In 2004, Shane Carruth blew away Sundance with Primer, one of the smartest, creepiest, most infuriating movies ever. Now he’s back with Upstream Color, which looks like it’ll also fit those adjectives. The Wolf of Wall Street—Scorsese returns to making movies for grown-ups, this time with Leonardo DiCaprio, Matthew McConaughey, and Jean Dujardin. And Spike Jonze? The World’s End—Edgar Wright, Simon Pegg, and the final film in the trilogy that started with Shaun of the Dead and continued with Hot Fuzz. It’s something… apocalyptic, maybe? Doesn’t matter.

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GLOW Above: Gorgeous ladies of wresting! And a dude.

★ ANNA KARENINA Prediction: Joe Wright’s Anna Karenina is going to be the Speed Racer of literary adaptations—defended by nerds, derided by other nerds, and baffling to the public at large. It’s an audacious interpretation of Leo Tolstoy that’s overstuffed and overflowing with style. I can’t be sure that it’s a good movie—but I was so overwhelmed by its boldness that I can’t deny I kind of loved it. JAMIE S. RICH Various Theaters.

ANY DAY NOW

See our review at portlandmercury.com on Friday, January 4. Living Room Theaters.

★ ARGO If you snoozed through the Iranian hostage crisis by not being born yet, a refresher: The US and some other imperialists have historically been major assholes to Iran, so in 1979, the Iranian people were like, “Actually, no!” and they rose up and stormed the US embassy, where some 60 Americans were frantically trying to shred stuff and not be murdered. Six Americans escaped through a back door. (Nice embassy-storming, amateurs!) While the world was focused on what was happening to the dozens of hostages inside the embassy, those six were stuck at the Canadian ambassador’s house—with no way to get out. Enter: Ben Affleck as a CIA hostage wrangler with an insane plan to create a fake sci-fi movie called Argo, call the six escaped hostages a film crew, and then GTFO. And you guys: This actually happened. I did a crappy job at explaining all of that, but Argo does not; Affleck’s direction delivers a brilliantly simple telling of a complicated story. Detailed without ever feeling dense, the film should satisfy nearly all classes of nerds (history! Politics! Science fiction! Movies!), as well as normals who just want to watch something entertaining. ELINOR JONES Various Theaters.

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CIRQUE DU SOLEIL: WORLDS AWAY 3D Goddammit. Various Theaters.

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★ DJANGO UNCHAINED The world’s first western blaxploitation revenge buddy comedy, Django Unchained is one of Quentin Tarantino’s best movies—a brutal, hilarious, thrilling, messy bastard of a thing. It’s the result of Tarantino gleefully making a balls-out western after years of almost doing so, and it’s excellent that he did: The genre hasn’t been served this well since Deadwood, No Country for Old Men, and Red Dead Redemption. ERIK HENRIKSEN Various Theaters.

FLIGHT A clumsy, preachy, feature-length infomercial for AA. ERIK HENRIKSEN Various Theaters.

GLOW: THE STORY OF THE GORGEOUS LADIES OF WRESTLING

See our review at portlandmercury.com on Friday, January 4. Hollywood Theatre.

THE GUILT TRIP A mother-son road comedy (mom-com?) starring Barbra Streisand and Seth Rogen. Is this a Barbra Streisand movie with Seth Rogen in it? Or a Seth Rogen movie with Barbra Streisand in it? (It seems inconceivable that they could really share billing or, for that matter, a significant audience demographic.) In the interests of science, and because I am not history’s greatest monster, I invited my mother to the press screening to see which one of us would like it better. And... we both liked it about the same. Well played, Hollywood! The Guilt Trip isn’t a great movie, but it’s not terrible. (“Just so-so” was my mom’s verdict.) BEN COLEMAN Various Theaters.

HITCHCOCK The making of Alfred Hitchcock’s classic 1960 horror film Psycho is fodder for this by-the-numbers biopic.

Making a movie about one of the most celebrated filmmakers of all time is a dangerous game, and while Hitchcock is competent—and occasionally even breezily entertaining—it mostly plays like a TV movie. NED LANNAMANN Various Theaters.

THE HOBBIT: AN UNEXPECTED JOURNEY “In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit.” That’s how proto-nerd J.R.R. Tolkien began The Hobbit, his charming children’s book that inspired The Lord of the Rings, one of the most extraordinary doorstops of English literature. Compared to the gloomy, intricate Rings, The Hobbit is a short, fast-paced, goofy adventure. Peter Jackson’s The Hobbit, though, is something else: Hollow, meandering, repetitive, and tedious, it covers only the first part of Tolkien’s book, yet somehow feels longer than any of Jackson’s excellent Lord of the Rings films. ERIK HENRIKSEN Various Theaters.

★ HOLY MOTORS Monsieur Oscar (Denis Lavant) traverses Paris in the back of a massive white limousine. With faithful driver Céline (Edith Scob) at the wheel, and with the limo’s cabin packed with a makeup table and more rubbery prosthetics than Cloud Atlas, Oscar goes to a number of “appointments”—and at each, he drastically changes his face, his hair, his clothes, his mannerisms, his cohorts. First he appears as a privileged businessman, then a filthy, deranged, fucked-up leprechaun; sometimes he’s a decrepit, panhandling old woman, later he’s a father, an assassin, a guy wearing a motion-capture unitard who goes down on a woman wearing a motion-capture unitard. Holy Motors might very well be brilliant, and it also might very well be 2012’s version of the emperor’s new clothes. ERIK HENRIKSEN Various Theaters.

HYDE PARK ON HUDSON Bill Murray can do no fucking wrong. His Franklin Delano Roosevelt obviously isn’t the so-good-it’s-scary, souldeep possession of Daniel Day-Lewis’s Abraham Lincoln. It’s not like you ever forget that he’s Bill Murray. But he’s excellent anyway: He gets the president’s playfulness, his condescending, patrician air, and his inherent inaccessibility, and he makes it his own. His performance is a masterful sketch that looks easier than it probably is. It’s a shame Murray is stuck in the middle of such a pedestrian movie. PAUL CONSTANT Various Theaters.

★ JACK REACHER Werner Herzog plays the villain in a solid, pulpy, funny, Tom Cruise-led adaptation of Lee Child’s thriller One Shot. Here’s something Herzog says in the movie: “I spent my first winter as a prisoner in Siberia wearing a dead man’s coat. I chewed these fingers off before the frostbite could turn to gangrene.” Here is something Tom Cruise says in the movie: “I’m going to beat you to death and drink your blood from a boot.” I liked this movie. ERIK HENRIKSEN Various Theaters. ★ KILLING THEM SOFTLY The story of Killing Them Softly is timeless: Here are a bunch of guys struggling to get by, fighting back despair, and screwing each other over for money. While it’s based on George V. Higgins’ 1974 novel Cogan’s Trade, Killing Them Softly feels utterly contemporary—largely because writer/director Andrew Dominik has picked up Higgins’ story and plopped it down a few decades later. Now it plays out in the gray ruins of post-Katrina New Orleans, with a soundtrack of news stories about the 2008 financial crisis leaking from every TV and car radio. Suddenly, that bunch of guys struggling to get by, fighting back despair, and screwing each other over for money is part of a bigger story. ERIK HENRIKSEN Various Theaters. ★ A LATE QUARTET At the start of A Late Quartet, Christopher Walken’s character explains to a group of his cello students that

★ MEANS WE RECOMMEND IT. THEATER LOCATIONS ARE ACCURATE FRIDAY JANUARY 4-THURSDAY JANUARY 10, UNLESS OTHERWISE NOTED. FILM TIMES AND SHORTS ARE ALSO AVAILABLE AT PORTLANDMERCURY.COM.

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Beethoven’s late quartet, Opus 131, is not the standard four movements but instead has seven parts and that you have to play them straight through with no breaks, which causes your instruments to go all out of tune with one another. “It’s a mess,” he says. It’s also a metaphor about how basic entropy affects togetherness. The togetherness, say, of a musical group that’s been playing together for 25 years when the oldest member finds he has Parkinson’s and can’t go on. Walken plays that character. Has he ever been the emotional center of a film before? It’s magical. For much of A Late Quartet, the camera follows the storm of the other characters’ drama—often, melodrama—until it finds a resting place once again on Walken’s alien face, quietly registering the effects of old age. JEN GRAVES Various Theaters.

LES MISÉRABLES

Look, I like Les Misérables. If it was playing at a reputable theater company in Portland this weekend? I would go see it! But good lord, the new movie is garbage. It’s like Trapped in the Closet for white people who aren’t in on the joke. ALISON HALLETT Various Theaters.

★ LIFE OF PI Ang’s Lee’s overblown but nonetheless quite beautiful adaptation of Yann Martel’s 2001 novel of the same name. Like the novel, it’s a parable disguised as an adventure story; like the novel, some people will think it contains profound truths, and some will find it unbearably overwrought. Others—me!—will appreciate some of the best 3D we’ve seen to date, and enjoy the adventure despite its self-seriousness. ALISON HALLETTVarious Theaters. ★ LOOPER Looper is “just” an action movie the same way Brick was “just” a noir, or The Brothers Bloom was “just” a heist flick: All three were written and directed by Rian Johnson, and with each, Johnson appropriates the skeleton of a genre, then fleshes it out in astonishingly clever ways. All you need to know to enjoy Looper is that actions have consequences—and Looper is an action movie. ERIK HENRIKSEN Various Theaters.

NOT FADE AWAY

See our review at portlandmercury.com on Friday, January 4. Various Theaters.

NOW, FORAGER

A “tale of love, food and fungi” that the Village Voice called “like Scenes from a Marriage for foodies.” So that’s... troubling. Living Room Theaters.

PARENTAL GUIDANCE Two grandparents (Billy Crystal and Bette Midler) are tasked with taking care of their grandkids. Shenanigans ensue! We did not review this film. Various Theaters.

★ PROMISED LAND Read our review at portlandmercury.com on Friday, December 28. Various Theaters.

RISE OF THE GUARDIANS Based on the beautifully illustrated books of William Joyce, Rise of the Guardians re-imagines the origins of childhood’s greatest heroes (Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Sandman, and the Tooth Fairy) as an Avengers-style team that—in addition to their day jobs—protects the innocence of kids around the world. Alas, three quarters of Guardians involve unnecessary, dizzying action sequences, rather than focusing on building characters, plot, and the subtext of the story. While the ending works, it does so just barely—and makes one long for the great, gorgeous, thoughtful children’s film that Guardians could’ve been. WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY Various Theaters.

nobody knows a thing about the mysterious man behind the records. If this is the first you’ve heard of Rodriguez, you might choose to stop reading here, because the twist that Searching for Sugar Man reveals—while not a surprise to anyone who’s picked up the recent reissues of his albums on the Seattle-based Light in the Attic label—is handled brilliantly in the film. Even if you do know what happened next, Sugar Man is still one of the most intriguing and satisfying music documentaries in a good while. NED LANNAMANN Various Theaters.

★ THE SESSIONS Helen Hunt plays Cheryl, who’s been hired to indoctrinate paralyzed writer Mark (John Hawkes) in the ways of S-E-X. Mark contracted polio as a kid, and the iron lung has seriously hindered his game—so after realizing that other disabled people still manage to have sex lives, he contacts Cheryl to figure out just what kind of experiences his paralyzed body is capable of having. The Sessions is bound to be over praised, but Hunt and Hawkes are so damn good, and the scenes between the two of them so rich in awkward, funny, premature ejaculate-y tenderness, that the strengths of this odd little true story far outweigh its imperfections. ALISON HALLETT Various Theaters. ★ SEVEN PSYCHOPATHS Martin McDonagh’s feverish story about a drunk screenwriter, Marty (Colin Farrell). And the probably insane Billy (Sam Rockwell). And a charming, doddering dog thief (charming, doddering Christopher Walken), and an Amish sociopath (Harry Dean Stanton), and an exceedingly troubled man with a bunny (Tom Waits), and a trigger-happy crime boss (Woody Harrelson). Things get a bit meta, and they get impressively bloody, and there might be one or two women in it? Briefly? There is definitely a dog in it. This isn’t a movie for everybody, but it’s well aware of that fact, and it’s a hell of a good time. ERIK HENRIKSEN Various Theaters. ★ SILVER LININGS PLAYBOOK As someone who’s skeptical of silver linings being an actual thing, so too was I skeptical of Silver Linings Playbook, the would-be feel-good holiday release from I Heart Huckabees director David O. Russell. Midway through the trailer, I half expected a voiceover to proclaim it was “from the producers of The Blind Side of the Help.” But while the path of this thing seems obvious, the film’s romance sneaks up on you: Russell disguises his love story by shooting Silver Linings Playbook with the same visceral immediacy he brought to The Fighter, cloaking the courtship in the manic energy of mental disorders. JAMIE S. RICH Various Theaters.

THIS IS 40

Everybody knows that couple. They’re pretty, everybody likes them, and they’re fun to hang out with—until they aren’t, since they’re always fighting. Not screaming, crying, throwing-whatever’s-at-hand fighting, but that sort of passive aggression with just enough tension to make everyone slightly uncomfortable. Spending two hours with them is kind of like watching This Is 40. ERIK HENRIKSEN Various Theaters.

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★ YES, WE HAVE NO BANANAS: FIVE FILMS BY WOODY ALLEN

See our review at portlandmercury.com on Friday, January 4. Cinema 21.

★ SEARCHING FOR SUGAR MAN Detroit singer/songwriter Rodriguez released two obscure albums of introspective, Dylanesque agitprop-lite in 1970 and 1971, then promptly vanished. Documentary filmmaker Malik Bendjelloul picks up his thread in South Africa, where Rodriguez’s music has amassed a huge following over the decades—and where

★ MEANS WE RECOMMEND IT. THEATER LOCATIONS ARE ACCURATE FRIDAY JANUARY 4-THURSDAY JANUARY 10, UNLESS OTHERWISE NOTED. FILM TIMES AND SHORTS ARE ALSO AVAILABLE AT PORTLANDMERCURY.COM.

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Savage Love by Dan Savage

Mad Town Advice

O R E T H A N 1,000 people showed up for a recent Savage Love Live event at the University of WisconsinMadison. It goes without saying that the students at UW submitted more questions than I could answer in 90 minutes. As promised, Madison, here are some bonus answers to questions that I didn’t get to during our time together…

C D

an an open relationship work if it’s this type: dating two people, separately, both serious, neither relationship is the “primary” one? eﬁne “work.” Most people define “work” as “a loving, lasting, long-term relationship that ends only with the death of one or both parties.” But I define “work” as “a loving relationship that makes the people in it happy, whether that relationship lasts for the rest of their lives or whether both parties— or all parties, if we’re talking about a poly or open scenario—decide at some point to end the relationship amicably.” So, yes, I do think the relationship you’ve described can work. Whether you’ll be in this relationship—or these relationships—for the rest of your life remains to be seen. You may wind up getting more serious about one person, or you may move on from both and find someone else— or a couple of someone elses—but if you’re happy right now, and if they’re happy right now, then your relationship is working.

I S

know you lived in Madison for a while. Got any great Mad Town stories?

a v a g e L o v e g o t its start in Madison: I wrote my first columns on a computer in the back office of Four Star Fiction and Video, where I worked as a night manager/VHS-tape-slingin’ clerk. I did other things—after-hours things—in the storeroom of Four Star. Those things are known only to me, an insanely sexy guy named Roger, and one of the bartenders at the Plaza, who one night overheard us talking about the things we’d just done to each other in that storeroom.

hat would you say to Ann Coulter, who said that if her son told her he was gay, she’d “tell him he was adopted”?

a r e n t a l r e j e c t i o n of a gay child (which doubles a gay kid’s already quadrupled risk for suicide), the implication that adopted parents are less emotionally invested in their children and that adopted children are loved conditionally—only Ann Coulter could pack so much hatred, malice, and emotional violence into a single “quip.” I’m not sure what I would say to Coulter— I’ve never had the pleasure of meeting her—but I can’t imagine that any child of Coulter’s, gay or straight, would be on speaking terms with her anyway, so I’d probably tell her that her feelings about her hypothetical children are irrelevant.

have been treated badly in past relationships. I am now in a great one, but I have a hard time believing/trusting that nothing bad will happen. How can I get over this dread?

o m e t h i n g b a d is going to happen—believe it. Sooner or later, your new squeeze will do something bad and you’ll get hurt. Hopefully the bad that happens won’t be as bad as the bad you experienced in the past relationships—no physical or emotional violence, no unforgivable betrayals, nothing that requires you to end this relationship—but your new partner will behave badly toward you at some point. And you will behave badly toward your new partner. There’s some bad even in the best relationships. You’ll

Sex

experience less dread if you can accept that.

an a successful long-term relationship form if the other person can never admit that they’re wrong? A n y o n e w h o ’ s ever been in a successful longterm relationship knows that both parties have to be able to admit that they’re wrong—sometimes you have to admit you’re wrong even when you know you’re not. So the answer is “no.”

H W

ow and when is it good/best to use whipped cream?

e ’ v e c o v e r e d this before: Whipped cream is NOT A SEX TOY. Two minutes after you put it on your nipples—or two minutes after you fill your belly button or ass crack or armpits with it—you begin to smell like baby puke. It’s not sexy. And it’s not like you’re not getting enough dairy in your diets, Wisconsinites. Save the whipped cream for your ice cream, and if you want to lick something off your partner, work up a sweat and lick that off ’em.

y friends and I have a weekly tradition where we read your column aloud, wear bathrobes, and drink whiskey. What would you add to this already awesome ritual?

JOE NEWTON

e m o t e - c o n t r o l vibrating butt plugs, of course, each one set to go off at a different time.

F Y M

acials: degrading or sexy? es.*

y partner lives far away, and we can’t live together for at least two years. He says I can sleep with whomever I like. I want to tell him the same thing, but I am kinda jealous and insecure. I told him to just not tell me, but he doesn’t want to lie. What to do?

i t h h o l d i n g i n f o r m a t i o n at your request—holding that info back until you’re ready for it—doesn’t make your partner a liar. It makes him a considerate partner. Tell him to do what he needs to do, but to spare you the details. Okay! Thanks for a great event, Madison, and I hope to come back soon. We have one more letter this week. It wasn’t a question asked at the talk I gave in Madison, but it does have a Madison connection…

met you briefly in Madison, Wisconsin, a long time ago. As a physician, I’m usually impressed with your savvy advice and medical accuracy. And your It Gets Better Project is a major contribution to the mental and physical health of adolescents and young adults. Now for a quick medical comment: I agree with your suggestion that doctors give “flaredbase” advice to patients who use anal toys. But there’s a simple way for a person who didn’t get that advice to remove an object that is stuck in the rectum. They should squat—do a deep knee bend—stay still, relax, breathe, and voila! The item will pop out onto the floor. No probing or uncomfortable procedure necessary. After learning about this technique from a very wise woman physician (who recalled the history of women giving birth in that position, I used this with young adult patients who would come to my clinic in an embarrassing predicament. The result was simple and comfortable for both patient and physician. Feel free to pass this advice on to others who might benefit! Best Advice Simplifies Exit

h a n k s for sharing, BASE!

LIVE S

R E C O R D S

HOWC

ASE!

CLOROX GIRLS, SUICIDE NOTES,

DOUG F JAN 10tIR h

$5! 8PM

GUANTANAMO BAYWATCH, BOOM!, HEY LOVER, COURTNEY & THE CRUSHERS, PATAHA HISS, NO TOMORROW BOYS, + A SPECIAL READING FROM JUSTIN MAURER FROM HIS NEW BOOK

mail@savagelove.net @fakedansavage on Twitter

"SEVENTEEN TELEVISION"

* Sometimes both at once!

Find the Savage Lovecast at thestranger.com/savage.

JASON POWELL

January 2nd, 2013 portlandmercury.com 33

8028 SE Stark Street, Portland, OR • 503.261.1180 • www.tubandtan.com 34 portlandmercury.com January 2nd, 2013

I❤ TV

™

by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey

Resolution Solutions!

F YOU’RE ANYTHING like me, you got too drunk/high/both to make your New Year’s resolutions for 2013. Well, it’s not too late! If you’re still struggling to think of ways to improve yourself in the coming year, I think you’ll be inspired by this week’s notable TV shows—which can help you discover the perfect resolution for you! For example: • Buckwild (MTV, debuts Thursday, January 3, 10 pm). Apparently petrified by the gaping hole left in their schedule by those stereotypical Italians from the canceled Jersey Shore, MTV is now ready to stereotype yet another stereotype: hillbillies! In Buckwild, a group of teethchallenged, straw-chewing hillbilly twentysomethings live together in a West Virginia shack—and pretty much what you expect to happen happens. A lot of moonshine is chugged, a lot of ATVs and dirt bikes are wrecked, a lot of babies are made, a lot of neighbors get mad, and a lot of pigs are… well, let’s just say things don’t turn out so great for the pigs. New Year’s Resolution Inspired by This Show: Be nicer to pigs in 2013. They’ve been through enough. • Downton Abbey (PBS, returns Sunday, January 6, 9 pm). The deliciously uppercrusty Brit soap returns for a third season, and—by jove, wot’s all this then? Will Mary’s marriage to Matthew erupt in scandal thanks to former chauffeur (and nearly destitute) Lord Grantham? Meanwhile in the servants’ quarters, will a power struggle between Mr. Carson and O’Brien turn into a viciously tight-lipped staring match (brimming with subtext and loathing)? And will the arrival of Cora’s pushy American mum Martha (Shirley MacLaine) cause the dowager countess of Grantham (Maggie Smith) to burst the very British aneurysm residing in her brain? Pip! Pip! Wot, ho! And tuppence for the birds!

JEREMY EATON

New Year’s Resolution Inspired by This Show: Constantly remind oneself that Brits are the worst. • Deception (NBC, debuts Monday, January 7, 10 pm). Speaking of rich people with too much time on their hands, Deception is a murder-mystery soap about a detective who goes undercover within a wealthy family to figure out who killed her childhood friend. In other words, NBC noticed that “Hey… ABC has this great show called Revenge that does really well in the ratings and we should totally steal the idea, but call it something different… like… oh, I don’t know… Deception. Yeah. That’ll work.” New Year’s Resolution Inspired by This Show: Stop lying so much and stealing other people’s things. Also, get rich and murder somebody. • The Joe Schmo Show (Spike, returns Tuesday, January 8, 10 pm). Do you remember this show? It originally aired way back in 2003, but they’ve brought it back because… IT’S AWESOME. A regular (real) dude is cast in a reality show about finding “America’s next bounty hunter,” but what he doesn’t know is that all the other contestants are actor/comedians and everything on the show—the interactions, the crazy competitions, EVERYTHING—is staged and scripted. It’s a delicious parody of stupid reality television, and the people they exploit (and are exploited by in return)! New Year’s Resolution Inspired by This Show: Admit to world I’m a fraud. Ehhhhhhh… maybe next year.

Rejoice! I have your “resolution solution”!

Resolve to follow! @WmSteveHumphrey

This Week on Television

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 2

SUNDAY, JANUARY 6

THURSDAY, JANUARY 3

MONDAY, JANUARY 7

9:00 PBS NOVA Season premiere! This week: “Doomsday volcanoes!” (Though I’d rather watch a show about “doomsday sharks.”) 10:00 FX AMERICAN HORROR STORY Satan wonders whether he should possess Sister Mary or Sister Jude. Tomato, toe-mah-toe!

8:00 FOX MOBBED A man attempts to get his unwilling girlfriend to marry him by using a flash mob. TELL THAT MAN, “NO!!”

FRIDAY, JANUARY 4

10:00 IFC PORTLANDIA Season premiere! Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein return to give their dead horse of a comedy show another beating.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 5

9:00 PBS AUSTIN CITY LIMITS Featuring a concert by the White Stripes frontman, Jack White!

9:00 PBS DOWNTON ABBEY Season premiere! Cor blimey, guv’nah! Mary and Matthew’s wedding causes a spot of the old bum and spittle, wot? (I have no idea what I’m saying.) 9:00 ABC REVENGE Season premiere! Revenge-seeking Emily asks for help from a professional… REVENGER! (Revenge-inator?)

8:00 ABC THE BACHELOR Season premiere! Our bachelor meets a girl obsessed with 50 Shades of Grey. Um... gross. 10:00 NBC DECEPTION Debut! Revenge-seeking Emily asks for help from… waitasecond… this isn’t Revenge! Or is it?

TUESDAY, JANUARY 8

9:00 FOX NEW GIRL The gang plays a new version of their game “True American”—this time with a sexy (YAY!) twist. 10:00 FX JUSTIFIED Season premiere! I am totally obsessed with this Elmore Leonard-based modern western! WATCH IT, WATCH IT, WATCH IT!

January 2nd, 2013 portlandmercury.com 35

THE PORTLAND MERCURY & THE OREGON CRAFT BEER PRESENT

Participating Breweries

•A l a m e d a B r e w i n g •A m b a c h t •Base Camp Brewing •Breakside Brewery •Bridgeport Brewing •Burnside Brewing •Cascade Brewing •Coalition Brewing •Deschutes Brewery • C r u x Fe r m e n tat i o n P r o j e c t • D o u b l e M o u n ta i n B r e w e r y • Fa l l i n g S k y B r e w i n g • Fo r t G e o r g e B r e w e r y • Fu l l S a i l B r e w i n g •Gigantic Brewing •Gilgamesh Brewing •Hopworks Urban Brewery •Lompoc Brewing • M c M e n a m i n s C r y s ta l B r e w e r y • M i g r at i o n B r e w i n g •Oakshire Brewing •Old Market Pub & Brewery •Ninkasi Brewing •Pints Brewing •Portland Brewing •Portland U-Brew •Solera Brewery •Widmer Brothers Brewing

Live music provided by Radiation City

Caleb Klauder Country Band

And And And Sons of Huns

Old Light Wooden Indian Burial Ground

Divers Marty Marquis Hausu Gaytheist Blood Beach Street Nights

SAT FEBRUARY 2ND • 2PM-MIDNIGHT WONDER BALLROOM

MALTBALL.STRANGERTICKETS.COM 36 portlandmercury.com January 2nd, 2013

I SAW U

POKE-A-DOT PANTS, PARK AVE CAFE

CHECKED OUT AT THE LIBRARY

You: Dark Blonde Me: Oblivious Audiophile We made eye contact - I shouldn’t have been so coy. I thought I recognized you and now I remember from where. Let’s check out together next time and get to know each other. When: Wednesday, December 19, 2012. Where: NOPO Library. You: Woman. Me: Man. #915305

NIGHTLIGHT LOUNGE-SANGRIA, SANGRIA

Nicole: somehow your number slipped away. Dammit! Let’s take a slow-sipping journey to the fruit at the bottom. When: Sunday, December 16, 2012. Where: Nightlight Lounge. You: Woman. Me: Man. #915304

JOHN(?) AT TIGER BAR

You have the most intense blue eyes and I couldn’t stop looking at them. You came in the bathroom while I was trying to fix my tights. I should have looked when you said you didn’t mind. When: Friday, December 14, 2012. Where: Tiger Bar, NW Broadway. You: Man. Me: Woman. #915303

DANCING AT CC’S

You - very cute tallish blonde from Santa Cruz with black scarf and two friends. Me, tall guy with glasses and black shirt, with two friends. We danced, I bought you a beer, you disappeared! Let’s go out. When: Thursday, December 13, 2012. Where: CC Slaughters. You: Woman. Me: Man. #915302

HANNA FROM BEND!

Exchanged smiles a few weeks back. I complimented your poke-a-dot pants, you smiled and said thank you. Lets smile and trade compliments again sometime :). When: Saturday, November 10, 2012. Where: several weeks ago. You: Woman. Me: Man. #915292

this is Dan.I helped you pick out a raincoat last week in NW.it was nice talking with you,you have beautiful eyes and I felt we shared a moment.I would like to see you again.well,you know where to find me. When: Tuesday, November 20, 2012. Where: n.w. 23rd. You: Woman. Me: Man. #915265

I LOVE FAKE FLOWERS TOO

GINGER BEARDED SHOE ADMIRER.

Dear Nurse, Remember the best $400 you ever spent? You’re adorable and so is your tattoo. We’re bummed we didn’t take a picture of it. Come back to Casa so we can fix this! Love, Bunny and Red xx When: Friday, November 16, 2012. Where: CASA DIABLO. You: Man. Me: Woman. #915268

APARTMENT PAINTING/ RECORD HAULING

Lovely and beguiling brunette buying paint for your new apartment. You spoke of your records and questioned my butter. I should’ve offered my help in exchange for some quality audio and more of that smile. Painting makes me thirsty. You? When: Sunday, December 9, 2012. Where: NE Weidler Fred Meyer. You: Woman. Me: Man. #915298

WAITER, MONTAGE SUNDAY NIGHT

You: Tall copper-haired waiter, very polite, adorable smile. You gave me the last bit of wine. You gave my friend the squirrel. Me: Long brunette hair, green scarf, trying not to blush in front of jealous friend. Who are you? When: Sunday, December 9, 2012. Where: Montage. You: Man. Me: Woman. #915296

HAWTHORNE FOOD CARTS SAT NIGHT

You: Very intoxicated, you interjected during a conversation I was having with my friend about my role in life. You were headed to karoke after a trial of errors led you to miss Santacon. You introduced yourself as John. When: Saturday, December 8, 2012. Where: Hawthorne Food Carts. You: Man. Me: Woman. #915295

CLUE NECKLACE AT TEDS BERBATIS

Clue-necklace @ teds berbatis pan dec 1. You so tall! cyclyst cap and whitetee, calm demeanor, sexy weasel-smile gave me deep pleasure-thanks! Im the green haired alien dancer Your magical pine cone necklace will guide you to me! When: Saturday, December 1, 2012. Where: Teds berbati pan bar. You: Man. Me: Woman. #915294

TO: LOCK FROM: SMITTEN we met thanksgiving weekend while fighting our way through the sf airport. we laughed together at my sad to-go salad. your slow smile and thoughtful conversation made my heart blush. come find me. i might be the key that fits. When: Saturday, November 24, 2012. Where: san fran airport. You: Man. Me: Woman. #915293

MONDAY NIGHT

Argghh! This stuff makes me feel like a little kid that pretends they dont like it when you tickle them, but they laugh and laugh and stay close enough so you can keep tickling them! moon2shine, 35

NO ASSEMBLY REQUIRED

Your my MFA crush, I can’t help it, it’s your beard and well your everything. You remind me of bluto from popeye. I wish I was around PNCA more. Your studio work was beautiful. When: Thursday, November 15, 2012. Where: Pnca-mfa open studio. You: Man. Me: Woman. #915291

I have eaten at your place of employment way too often to have never seen you before... surely you are partnered off. But, if not... you made me smile and my shoes are just fine after the accident. When: Monday, November 26, 2012. Where: Alberta. You: Man. Me: Woman. #915282

I’m an active tea drinker, always on the search for new music, vinyl enthusiast. I teach yoga, play the ukulele. My roommates are all four legged and furry and my greatest love affairs are with music and travel. DearDreamboat, 26

LISA WITH THE LOST CLUB

PINECONE BUTT TATTOO AT BAGBY

Outlandish intelligent half-feral adventuresome dancing bon vivant with healing hands, theatrical tendencies, and visionary schemes seeks same for heartful honest beautiful hilarious waltz to the next level. Must love words, forests, hootenannies, surreal parades, porches, and the sea. artemisia, 30

i forgot your sandwich, so i gave you a free mimosa. you tipped me $26.05. that was TOO sweet. i thought you were beautiful even before you made me rich. would you let me take you out one time? When: Friday, December 7, 2012. Where: alberta. You: Woman. Me: Man. #915290

YOU: TALLER THAN HOMELESS LADY

The homeless lady wanted to fight you which gave you and I an excuse to smile at each other several times. Thought you were going to follow me on to the bus, you should have! Me: Grey coat and glasses When: Friday, December 7, 2012. Where: Bus stop @ SW Burnside and 2nd around 6pm. You: Man. Me: Woman. #915289

HELLO HEAVEN

PUGASUS

Girls 4 Boys

I saw u on the streetcar we got off at 23rd you looked at me and I died a little. I was talking to a guy. You had a ross bag,black hair. Write me back somehow? Post another ad? When: Tuesday, November 20, 2012. Where: streetcar, 5 pm. You: Woman. Me: Woman. #915264

DOE EYED BAKER AT WOODLAWN

You’re new, or I never see you, but between your beautiful pastries and your beautiful eyes I’m kicking myself for not being able to talk to you. You seem quiet and focused, what could be sexier? When: Monday, December 3, 2012. Where: Woodlawn Coffee and Pastry. You: Woman. Me: Man. #915287

NW 23RD WALKING TOGETHER

You recently moved back here from Seattle and were out looking for jobs in a red coat, me newly arrived from Tucson....we chatted a bit as we walked down 23rd and I was soo taken by you! Coffee? When: Wednesday, December 5, 2012. Where: NW 23rd. You: Woman. Me: Man. #915286

OFFICER H. FOILS ATTEMPTED THEFT! You showed up at my house after I called in an attempted theft. Couldn’t see a ring on your hand because of your gloves. Hesitated on asking you out because I felt it was inappropriate. Buy you a coffee sometime? When: Monday, November 26, 2012. Where: My house in outer SE. You: Woman. Me: Man. #915285

GRAVEYARD BUS BUDDIES

It’s hard trying to pick up somebody who is already naked. me, girl drinking crown royal from the trucker’s inconspicuous water bottle. You, made me guess your last name4 twenty minutes. Anyway, I think we’d be a really cute couple. When: Saturday, December 1, 2012. Where: Bagby Hot Springs. You: Man. Me: Woman. #915281

PLAIDCLAD REDHEAD AT THE VIP/ROLLERDERBY Tall with a fetching smile and so many other note worthy qualities that I was disappointed when you left before the end. As with all missed opportunities, I regret not initiating a conversation the moment we smiled at each other. When: Sunday, December 2, 2012. Where: PDX Roller Derby. You: Woman. Me: Man. #915279

I saw you at booty bassment. You had red script on your metal like or metal adjacent t-shirt. I had floral pants on. I was trying to make eyes at you but you were busy being the DJ. Drinks? When: Saturday, December 1, 2012. Where: Booty Bassment. You: Man. Me: Woman. #915277

GROCERY SHOPPING WITH YOUR DAUGHTER You made a playful comment to your little girl about something she was collecting in the bulk section. Then we checked out in the same line. I had to leave the line abruptly. Who was I buying groceries with? When: Tuesday, November 27, 2012. Where: NE 122nd Winco. You: Man. Me: Woman. #915273

GREASER You were sitting facing the back door. I purposely sat next to you, we kept giving each other eyes. I was thrown off my game when the guy sat between us. I was wearing a head scarf. When: Friday, November 30, 2012. Where: 75 towards Milwaukie. You: Man. Me: Woman. #915272

We met at Outside In and we were both getting STD tests. You said you were starting to see someone but hey, he might die tomorrow. If he does, call me in two weeks when you get your results! When: Wednesday, November 21, 2012. Where: Outside IN. You: Woman. Me: Man. #915271

DUBSTEP TUESDAY YOU STRIPPED SHIRT

BACON MAKES EVERYTHING BETTER

SHOUT! DANCE PARTY EAGLES LODGE

respond online with a membership

CLEAN UPRIGHT UNCOMMON BEGUILING WOMAN

I find online attempts to connect respectable, but it feels counterintuitive. I’d prefer meeting someone in my everyday life, but that’s not happening. I’m a bit unpredictably traditional--I appreciate a man who’s not afraid to court, should it get there. LegoLover, 42

CAN YOU KEEP UP?

I am very active from motorcycles dirt/ street, camping, kayaking,snowboard ing,backpacking, disc golf, day hikes, shooting, road trips, concerts, beer/ wine/food/art/culture exploration, yoga, hot rod and bike wrenching, tattoos. My hobbies widely vary. Can you keep up? I dare you to try. stormusbootimusmaximus, 28

TICKER TAPE PARADE

I do what we’re doing at the time. You may not ever meet a more honest and direct person than me. I can make most anything a fun situation and want to see everything in this world. I’m never last-picked... shellyg, 40

PARTNER IN CRIME

WE GOT TESTED TOGETHER!

we danced at dubstep tuesday at crown room, you had a pretty face and a striped hoodie, I had a John Coltrane shirt on and a button up you told me to stay where i was and then disappeared. When: Tuesday, November 27, 2012. Where: dusbstep tuesday crown room. You: Woman. Me: Man. #915270

Simple To Respond!

Honestly im a hodgepodge of awkward girl. Born and raised in Portland im creative and spontaneous. I love a good dive bar, theatre, and being with friends. marylane, 24

I just moved to Portland three months ago. So I am finding my way around.... getting lost...but enjoying the journey.... I am excited to experience this second half of my life with open arms....open eyes....open heart and losta laughter.. carissabon, 42

DEAR MR. DJ

Too mesmerized watchin you dance to ask your name...kickin myself ever since...though I managed ta kiss you goodbye somehow and you didnt slap me...cant get you outta my mind... the sun has wept rose in the shell of your ear... When: Saturday, November 17, 2012. Where: Eagles Lodge. You: Woman. Me: Man. #915269

SASSY AND NERDY

SWEET ANS SIMPLE

We had to run to catch the 35. We talked about working graveyards and tattoos. You may just have the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen... I regret not asking for your number. When: Sunday, December 2, 2012. Where: 6th and Burnside bus stop. You: Man. Me: Woman. #915284

You were wearing a bacon shirt, hat, and beard. I was wearing a plaid jacket and getting hair pulled out by toddler. I thought you were good looking, but didn’t have opportunity to say during the destruction of Caden. Coffee? When: Monday, November 19, 2012. Where: Beaverton Albertsons. You: Man. Me: Woman. #915260

MULTIDIMENSIONAL COYOTE YOGA

I’m looking for a partner in crime, someone who is interested in exploring the world, getting into a little bit of trouble. I love biking, hiking and camping---and am looking for adventures. CallieV, 26

I’LL TUMBLE FOR YA Oh this part, well I just turned 29 and I’ve taken a year off to be by myself and I’m feeling pretty ready to get on the dating wagon. 40 words isn’t enough.ask me and I’ll tell you. T_b, 29

HOW DOPE DOES IT RULE? Riding my bike in tiny circles, Horse track on Sundays, Sons of Anarchy at Angelo’s every Tuesday, Ladies Night, Blind contour drawings, Bowling and Sleeping in. I’m really good at finding things, making Sangria and cocktails in general. BossTaco, 32

AUSTRALOPITHECUS WAS NEVER FULLY ERECT. I’m a pretty big nerd but that’s not very shocking considering where we are. I love my family, friends, and music more than anything. Not too psyched about writing about myself so.. Just ask! Knope, 22

BIG KOOKIE LADY WANTS FRIEND. Smart, nice, funny Tolkien fan seeks someone who reads & thinks & feels. Someone who wants to play board games or catch a show. Have an opinion about original Trek vrs. TNG? This might be you. (Batting my eyes.). lalalanilu, 39

SO GLAD TO BE HERE!

New Portlander! I am excited because I love change and meeting new people. I’m always looking to learn new things. Teach me, and I’ll make you food! copper87, 25

KIND OF A BIG DEAL

Just lookin for a good one (honest, kind, funny) to have fun with! I’m into the usual Portland pastimes--cocktails, coffee, culture...and whatever else is thought-provoking or life-enriching. missoptimism, 34

BACK IN THE PDX GROVE Moved back from a 4 year stint in Seattle and I’m happy as hell about it! Looking for someone to play with. I’m up for anything fun..movies, bars, hikes, rides, pinball, shows.... (FYI, scared of heights and puppets). Agatha, 38

LEARNING EVERY DAY

I think life is awesome and want to meet new people to have fun with around town. I’m a genuine, friendly, and hard-working lady who values a good talk over an even better cocktail. Let’s see where this can go! RainOrShine, 28

NOT TRYING TO PLEASE ANYONE

I am a whiskey drinking attention whore who enjoys dive bars and strip clubs. I need a man, not a boy running around in mans clothing. Hipsters need not apply. Nika, 30, ☎

BIG DEAL.KIND OF.

I’m rad and you should be too. Also, you should know how to spell. I do. Are you smart? Please, be smart. Do you like music? You must love good music. Are you handsome? Dear god, please be handsome. JessiG, 34

Boys 4 Girls MODEST MIDWESTERNER SEEKS OPPOSITE SEX Early bird seeks odd duck for midweek migrations. Sober yogi seeks oneness with enlightened being. Late bloomer seeks rare flower for a beautiful new arrangement. joemygod, 30

DRIVEN, INTELLIGENT, INQUISITIVE, PEACEFUL, EXTROVERTED I am currently trying to finish a PhD in physics and attempting to ascertain what path to take. I like to have fun, do things outdoors, cook, sing, travel when possible, and just enjoy life in every form available. transformativeEnergy, 25

SNIFF WAG LICK I work in Architecture & about to graduate from PSU for the same thing. Always up for random adventures & camping.I play guitar & harmonica.I’m an avid tea drinker & love food,nerding & all things art.Currently listening to Ditty Bops,Essex Green,Superdrag. Grasshopperesque, 28

INTERMEMBRANE TIME TRAVELER COMPUTATIONAL MASSBIOLAB I enjoy art of all kinds, trash films, anime, music and strange noises. I tend to enjoy myself hiking in fog and mist. Want to kick it and watch crazy movies, go hiking or generally run amok? I’m game. gomilobster, 28

NEW TO PDX, NEED FUN

just got out of a very long relationship and that is the last thing I am looking for. I have been in Portland for less than a year and looking for fun. I am easy going and wanting to explore. bspant, 32

HIKING, DINNER, MASSAGE

seeking friend; hiking and massage partner. Lets pick a trail, find some killer place to eat great food, select a good wine and settle into some great converstaion. highcountry, 52

NEW IN TOWN & UNATTACHED!

Hi! I just moved to Portland last month & I love it. I’d like to meet a goodlooking girl who can impress me with her mind; and has a sense of adventure. Someone who knows the town, maybe? Whatsthescore, 35

SICK OF BEING SINGLE

hey 20 almost 21 looking for anything. live in ne portland. love rock music, playing guitar, chill with friends, and watch movies any old and new. open mind kind and honest. like to try new things. techmen91, 21

FIRST IN LINE

I’m a faux Southerner from Florida, an aspiring author who doesn’t believe in longshots, an occasional songwriter, an idealist and a romantic. And of course I have a real job while I work on my long term goals. ForagingTheFuture, 24

LOOKING FOR THE ONE

Laid back open minded guy looking for someone to share life & love with. Love to hike and camp, Watch movies and cuddle. Prefer beer over liquor & wine. Snowboarder and RPG gamer. MysticKiss, 28

COUPLE FOR YOUR LIKING! LOL

The coolest couple you have ever met is looking to meet other bisexuals in the Portland area and see where that goes! candytea, 27

GOOFY, SERIOUS,

Volunteering is something really close to my heart. I volunteer with hospice as well as a group facilitator at the Dougy Center. I feel the more I give the more I learn, and grow at the same time. oconnem, 24

FUN, EDUCATED, AND LIBERAL

Taking a lovely woman out on the town is a treat, and something I like to do often. I don’t do jealousy or control. I want a smart independent woman that has a life, goals, interests, and passions. jbpdx16, 44

MUSICAL DAMES WANTED!

Hey you awesome dames.Just moved to P-town, and am looking to meet up with kick ass girls like you for some beers and perhaps more.Girls with musical talent or who dig musicians get moved to the front of the line! Saxonthebeach, 30

Girls 4 Girls COOLEST GIRL EVER SEEKS SAME

Are you interested in interesting things and effortlessly charming in a disarmingly attractive way? So am I. entr_acte, 25

SARCASTIC DORK AT YOUR SERVICE!

I am up front, caring, silly, dramatic, loquacious, uncoordinated, and alternatively full of energy and incredibly lazy. I love watching movies, seeing shows, playing games, and conversing for hours. I value honesty, empathy, cracking wise, cuddling, and good conversation. hippieskeptic, 27

DESIRE SMART, FUNNY AND SENSUAL?

Boys 4 Boys

I am a black man who happens to love women who are opulent, buxom and who possess the quality of not taking things way too serious. It simply varies as to what my likes and hobbies vary. dajewi, 38

SOULFUL VOX/POET.

i dig punk.jazz.ragga dub.live music. slacker musicians,focused artists & musicians... locopoptwisted, 45

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Matt Bors is a Portland-based political cartoonist; view his work at mattbors.com

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DINOSAUR COMICS // RYAN NORTH

Ryan North has daily comics available at qwantz.com

YOUR ANONYMOUS RANTS FROM THE MERCURY ’S I, ANONYMOUS BLOG ILLUSTRATED BY KALAH ALLEN

GIRL TROUBLE I don’t know what kind of boyfriends you’ve had in the past, but your approach to sex was the biggest turn-off ever. It doesn’t matter that you were a “10” in almost all other aspects, because mentally you made it almost impossible to get excited about you. We’re adults, we fuck. We don’t have “sexy times.” I have a cock, not “naughty bits.” I’m not sure if you came from a highly religious household, dated lots of emo/femme guys, or simply were an excellent gamesman with the guys in high school playing the “Tee hee, I’m innocent!” card over and over and you never got the memo that you’re now a 34-year-old adult, but talking about sex like you’re some 13-year-old comes off creepy as all fuck. You’re a woman, you’re beautiful. You have a pussy, not “special parts.” Seriously, you are the second woman in a row who’s reverted to this little-girl shit. Knock it off.—Anonymous

UNDERWORLD // KAZ

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Submit your unsigned confessions and accusations of 300 words or less, changing the names of the innocent and guilty, to “I, Anonymous,” at anonymous@portlandmercury.com, or on the I, Anonymous blog at portlandmercury.com.

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The Portland Mercury BULLETIN BOARD online > > > www.portlandmercury.com/backpage (503) 294-0840

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