True Parent, Issue 1, Fall 2014 by Joe Davis

ISSUE 1 / FALL 2014 / PORTLAND EDITION

For Parents Who Keep It Real

School Rebellion P.5

Sanity Corner P.8

Dangerous Parenting P.22

ADVICE, NEWS, COMEDY, AND TRUE STORIES FROM TRUE PARENTS!

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Heather Arndt Anderson, Denis Theriault, Dan Savage, Collin Oldham, Daria Eliuk, Nate Bagley, Chris Onstad, Andrea Damewood CALENDAR

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Ann Ploeger COVER FAMILY

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THE STUFF INSIDE True News P. 7 Ask the Parent P. 8 Six Things P. 8 True Tech P. 9 Let a Parent Know P. 9 You Worry Too Much P. 11 Build a Better Parent P. 11 This vs. That P. 13 True Story P. 14 Get a Sitter P. 17 True Eats P. 19 Drag Your Kid To This P. 21 Dangerous Parenting P. 22

WE’RE ALL IN AGREEMENT: Your kids are

the best—and there are plenty of magazines and websites out there making sure you’re armed with ideas and products to help them thrive. But while you’re taking care of the kids, who’s taking care of you? Where’s the magazine that recognizes being a working, busy parent and an interesting, fulfilled individual isn’t mutually exclusive? That’s where True Parent comes in. You were a cool person before you became a parent, and you still are. True Parent focuses on smart, imperfect parents, just like you and I, who are more than just soccer-practice chauffeurs, laundry washers/dryers/folders, and fairy-house construction workers. True Parent is a magazine built for real “no BS” adults—specifically designed to help you be a better parent by ensuring you’re a wellrounded person. Here are just a few things you’ll find in True Parent: • True stories from real parents—married, single, low income, LGBTQ, mixed race, of various ability, and anyone else I’ve neglected to mention will be featured in this and future issues. Their stories and experiences are just like life itself: funny, heartbreaking, scary, poignant,

complicated, and true. • Advice and tips from professionals on parenting, fitness, helpful gadgetry, staying sane, and remaining sexually active. • Smart writers saying smart things about politics, education, and health issues. • Local entertainment listings and restaurant reviews to make sure you leave the house—and have a great time doing it. • Places to take the family that you’ll enjoy just as much as the kids. • Sharp-edged comedy based in the reality of parenting. Because, unlike those other guys, we get your humor. You’re not one of those perfect parents— you’re a real one. And True Parent is going to be your quarterly reminder.

—Wm. Steven Humphrey, actual parent of two. steve@trueparent.com fall 2014 trueparent.com

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Tuning In, Opting Out The Battle Against Standardized Testing that PPS Would Prefer You Didn’t Hear About

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BY DENIS C. THERIAULT

ENNIFER LEWIS, a mom with two small kids in Southeast

Portland’s Glencoe Elementary, hasn’t been shy about squaring off with Portland Public Schools (PPS) administrators. Up in arms over the number of students crammed into her son’s first-grade classroom—34, she says—she suddenly found herself “very involved” and networking with teachers on the eve of last winter’s narrowly averted teachers’ strike. She felt so strongly about forcing administrators to hire more teachers, she even asked her son, now in second grade, to speak at a board meeting. But it was another story, a few months later, when someone

TRUE NEWS

asked her to join a different sort of rebellion— parents who opt their kids out of state-mandated standardized testing. “Ugh,” Lewis remembers thinking. “I’m not sure I want to get involved in this.” Until she did some homework. Parents, students, and even teachers have long had concerns about a national shift toward increased testing, sparked by the Bush-era No Child Left Behind reforms and continued by an even more controversial (and even more rigorous) national curriculum, the so-called Common Core State Standards. Instead of helpful “snapshots” meant to show how kids are doing, critics now see these test results as an increasingly harsh way of measuring schools and teachers. Some also see an insidious profit motive, in that the new Common Core standards—requiring new textbooks and testing materials—have been a boon for education publishers. Locally, that clamor has only grown louder. Oregon, as part of its years-old embrace of Common Core, has tossed out its old standardized testing regimen for another that’s much more stringent—and much more likely to see students fail. This year, even kindergartners had to endure a toughened assessment on the road to that strict new test, called the Smarter Balanced Assessment, raising deep concerns about diminished morale among kids who are often the most excited to come to school. This is what piqued Lewis’ interest and persuaded her to download the district’s little-known testing “opt out” form, fill it out, and send it to her children’s teachers. “I’ve been thinking about this all summer,” she says. “I was kind of dismayed.” But as revolutions go, this one’s been quiet— with only a relative handful of parents, so far, politely grabbing their pitchforks. That’s partly because the debate over testing and education standards can be daunting. But it’s also because PPS administrators have done precious little to let parents know about the power they can wield. Continued on page 7 fall 2014 trueparent.com

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Continued from page 5 While a couple of PPS’ principals demurely link to the opt-out form on their school’s websites, supporters of the movement say most parents still have no idea it’s available. It’s PPS practice, if not policy, for teachers and administrators not to go out of their way to spread the word. “The district has never come out and said, ‘You may never do this,’” says Gwen Sullivan, president of PPS’ main teachers’ union, the Portland Association of Teachers (PAT)—and a mom who’s opted her own kids out of testing. “There has not been a directive.” But that’s a fine distinction—considering the wording that’s been placed atop the form for the current school year. “This form should be provided only upon request from the parent,” it reads. And when a family does ask, the district wants teachers and administrators to mostly let them know about the potential costs involved in sitting out of the testing—to the institution, if not the students. Jon Isaacs, PPS’ main spokesman, says officials met recently and agreed to produce “communications materials” making clear that if enough students opt out of testing, a particular school’s participation rate could drop below required thresholds—giving the school a lousy ranking on the state’s annual schools report card. Eventually, Isaacs warns, a school could be deemed “underperforming” and face heavy-handed intervention measures. “It will be something we passively make available,” Isaacs says. “We’re not going to engage in anything to persuade parents to make a choice one way or the other.” (“Honestly, Glencoe’s rating on some form doesn’t mean much,” Lewis said when asked how that argument might sit with her. “I know it has amazing teachers and amazing parents. It’s a great school.”) And that’s not all. Though PPS technically will honor any reason a family lists when opting out—a “liberal” departure from other school districts, Isaacs says—the form provided to parents explicitly offers just two choices: an exemption based on either religion or disability. Sullivan, personally, ignores the form. Instead, she sends a letter to each of her kids’ teachers. And it’s lengthy—offering a detailed explanation of why she believes she’s right to opt her kids out. But for parents who don’t know any better? “You have to lie,” says Steve Buel, a retired teacher who was elected to the PPS board in 2013, and now serves as a populist foil for the

TRUE NEWS district’s administration. “Religious reasons?” Buel says. “It’s a big category,” meaning a parent can pretty much say whatever he or she wants without being questioned, “but you still have to lie.” Only 60 exemptions were reported to PPS’ research department last school year, according to data provided by Isaacs—a minute fraction of the district’s more than 48,000 students. Parents and other activists have taken to filling the publicity void—hoping to drive that number, no matter how small, at least a little bit higher. Facebook groups have erupted. Parents are sharing letters and links and chatting up otherwise clueless friends. House parties have been planned. And reform groups like Oregon Save Our Schools are taking up the cause. Sullivan says she saw the light two years ago, after the state’s former testing regimen, the Oregon Assessment of Knowledge and Skills (OAKS), suddenly became, as she put it, “punitive.” “That’s when I said it goes against our family’s beliefs,” she says. Sullivan and other PPS parents and teachers are convinced the more rigorous Smarter Balanced exams will be even worse. And rising discontent over the new testing is commingling with the longstanding heartburn over the Common Core-inflected curriculum Oregon first adopted nearly four years ago. Common Core, now embraced in more than 40 states, is billed as a means of improving student performance by imposing tougher benchmarks for reading, writing, and mathematics. But public support, according to a new national poll, has plummeted in the past year—owing to right-wing concerns about big government and teachers’ worries about losing their jobs if they can’t get kids up to speed. Isaacs says no one should hold their breath that Oregon might drop Common Core standards. Although he does note some sympathy— in PPS and in other districts around the state— for those who’ve asked the state to delay its implementation of the Smarter Balanced tests. Buel, the PPS board member, doesn’t disagree that undoing the Smarter Balanced test is the more immediate fight. But he also sees it as part of a larger war against Common Core. And with education policy increasingly dictated by the federal government and enforced by states, he says parents must exert what little control they can. “The reason you opt out is that’s what you’re left with,” he says. “It’s a protest. It’s the protest you’re left with.”

But as revolutions go, this one’s been quiet— with only a relative handful of parents, so far, politely grabbing their pitchforks.

fall 2014 trueparent.com

SANITY CORNER

Ask the Parent! Send in your parenting question—the more embarrassing, the better—to asktheparent@ trueparent.com, and we’ll find an expert parent to answer it for you! This month we’ve asked nationally syndicated sex advice expert (and parent) Dan Savage to dish up the knowledge.

My four-year-old walked in while my husband and I were trying to squeeze in a quickie around naptime. So two questions: (1) How do we explain what we were doing without totally traumatizing our kid? Note: We’re not big Joy of Sex hippies, but we want to be honest and sex-positive in an age-appropriate way. (2) “Nap time” for our child (and us) will soon be a thing of the past, and we always seem to be too exhausted to have sex at night. What to do?—Need Uninterrupted Quickies

efore I answer your questions, NUQ, a confession of my own: When my son was a toddler, he walked in when my husband and

I were squeezing one in. We jumped apart and I blurted out, “I was just saying good morning to Daddy!” which was a silly thing to say since it wasn’t morning and he hadn’t asked us what we were doing. All he wanted was his postafternoon-nap snack. Here’s what we did next: We both took a deep breath, reminded each other that we remember absolutely nothing from when we were three or four years old, got up, and made that kid a snack. We didn’t make a big deal out of it, we didn’t ask him what he thought he saw, we didn’t communicate “big deal” to him by freaking out. So in answer to question #1: Unless your kid was standing by the side of your bed for three or four long, uninterrupted minutes, NUQ, I would urge you to do the same. Shrug it off. If your kid did see exactly what was going down (or going in), answer his or her questions in a matter-of-fact tone. The goal is to avoid communicating: “This is something that really gets a reaction from adults!”—since toddlers love to press those buttons. As for question #2—when are you going to have sex once regular naps cease to break up your days—the answer is obvious: whenever the opportunity presents itself. Some opportunities pop up randomly (early mornings, those rare late nights when you’re both awake), some have to be manufactured (hire a sitter so you can go out for dinner and then skip dinner, or schedule your own play dates when your kid has one). Good luck!

Dan Savage is the nationally syndicated author of the column Savage Love, and along with husband Terry, the father of their teenage boy DJ. @fakedansavage

trueparent.com fall 2014

T HINGS

I Need a Babysitter, Stat! Having only one babysitter on call is just too risky for emergency situations—not to mention those “emergency” nights out on the town. So build a roster of at least three qualified sitters, and say goodbye to last minute panic and disappointment. • Feel bad about “stealing” babysitters from your parent friends? DON’T! If you have a full roster of sitters, you won’t be using their favorite all that much anyway. Just let ‘em know what you’re up to. • Ask friends and even non-parents for suggestions. Part-time nannies (and some fellow officemates) are often looking for extra work to fill out their schedules. • Hey, maybe that 12-year-old in your neighborhood is finally ready to step up to the bat! (Encourage them to take the Red Cross Babysitting Training Class at redcross.org.) • Check out your local college’s early childhood development department. These students need the experience and the money. • Consider sharing a sitter with another couple. The kids will get a playdate, the couple gets a real date, and the sitter makes more money. Win, win, win. • There are also childcare services on the web worth looking into: care.com, seekingsitters.com, and greataupair. com (some even provide free background checks—use ‘em!).

TRUE TECH

Apps to Make Your Life Easier

Let a Parent Know Things You’ll Figure Out Eventually… But We’re Telling You Now!

Avocado

Grocery iQ

Touted as “the fun, private, and secure app for couples to stay connected,” Avocado is basically for texting and sharing calendars with just one person (e.g., your partner), with the added bonus of being able to add e-affection with a silly hug-and-kiss interface. (You can physically kiss the phone’s screen or press it against your body to send a hug or smooch to your partner’s phone.) Obviously, Avocado is no replacement for actual human connection—but damn if it doesn’t make lots of “basic married-people stuff” simpler. Grocery lists, schedules (including Google calendars), photos, and ideas for new restaurants or bands to check out—all those mundane parts of living with someone—in one handy app that also allows you to draw goofy pictures and put kissy-kissy stickers on your special someone’s avatar. HEATHER ARNDT ANDERSON Available for free on iPhone or Android, avocado.io

Grocery shopping is Dante’s fifth concentric circle of hell. That’s why it must be approached as a surgical strike—get in and get out with as much efficiency as possible. You’re begging for trouble if you’re still using a helter-skelter hand-scrawled list that forces you to retrace your steps to grab something you forgot (dragging your screaming brood behind)— but with the Grocery iQ app, your entire list is put in the same order as it’s located, by the appropriate aisle. If you shop at different places, you can set up a list for each store. Plus all your purchases can be accessed later to go into future lists. This baby cut my grocery store time in half— and raised shopping to a much more comfortable

Oh hey, just because you don’t have a babysitter (or you’re broke), it doesn’t mean you can’t have a date night. You can always fake it! Here’s how: Do all normal nighttime stuff really early. Run the kids ragged all day (swimming is great for this), feed them dinner at 4:30 pm, and put ’em to bed at 6:30 or 7. If they’re old enough to tell time and give you lip about it, just change all the clocks in the house ahead of time. (Shhhh!) Order some takeout from your favorite restaurant using a delivery service like Delivered Dish, or hit your favorite deli ahead of time. Don’t forget dessert and wine or other libations.

level of hell. WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY Available for free on iPhone, iPad, or Android, groceryiq.com

Ringya Another school year, another godawful class roster to lose. Sure, you could enter the numbers into your phone for ease, but you’ll never get those minutes of your life back. Enter Ringya: the app that promises to put it all in your phone with one fell swoop of the camera. Group messaging is now a breeze! Best yet, you can add helpful info like “Jasper’s Mom” or “That One Hot Dad” to the caller ID so you know who’s texting you about the after-school work party before you decide whether or not to blow it off. HAA Available for free on iPhone or Android, ringya.com

Get dolled up for each other, or just hang out in your underwear/nothing at all! Watch a movie, or binge-watch a whole season of a show (Twin Peaks is always a solid choice). Put on your favorite music and dance, or get drunk and play board games. You get the picture. Do something you enjoy, together. Just don’t stare at your phones. Dare to be kinky by having sex in an unexpected room! (Note: not the kid’s room. Therapy is super expensive.) Be a couple of crazy kids—go out to your car or a blanket in the backyard for some making out and heavy petting! HEATHER ARNDT ANDERSON fall 2014 trueparent.com

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SANITY CORNER YOU WORRY TOO MUCH!

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(It’s Not an) Emergency!! Along with all the other new jobs young parents have… we suddenly have to be expert field medics, too? Luckily most of the everyday accidents our clumsy kids experience are easily solvable at home—which is why the smarty-pants pediatrician and nursing staff at Randall Children’s Emergency Department came up with this quick list of easily solvable situations that could save you a trip to the dreaded emergency room.

Bee sting with immediate swelling and redness Remove the stinger (if possible), apply an ice pack, and give the child over-thecounter Benadryl.

antibiotics—but either way, it can wait for your doctor’s office to open.

Constipation Try over-thecounter Miralax, and change your child’s diet. If those don’t work, then you can go to the doctor.

Superglue Apply mineral oil, Vaseline, or antibiotic ointment, which helps dissolve the glue.

Hives Over-the-counter Benadryl. (That’s what we use!) Pinkeye In most cases, pinkeye resolves without

Small burns Remove clothing, cool off with roomtemperature water, and apply antibiotic ointment.

Nosebleeds Apply pressure to the bridge of the nose. Children’s noses usually stop bleeding by the time parents get them to the emergency room, and—you

have better places to be, right? The fine print: Randall Children’s Emergency Department’s physicians and nurses are regional experts in children’s emergencies. The Children’s Emergency Department is Oregon’s busiest with over 22,000 visits annually. Randall Children’s Urgent Care at Cornell is just for kids and treats injuries and illnesses that are nonlife threatening or medical emergencies. Always call your doctor if you are not sure if you need to go to the emergency room.

BUILD A BETTER PARENT “The Over-Protective Parent” By Nate Bagley, LPC

S MODERN PARENTS

and Portlanders, we feel a lot of internal and social pressure to be parenting in exactly the “right” way. We know we shouldn’t be those “overprotective parents,” always rescuing their kids from every difficulty they face. Conversely, we don’t want to be the “old-school hard-ass,” who sets incredibly high expectations, and criticizes their child’s inability to figure out things on their own. There’s a difference between being overprotective and being a supportive parent

who helps their children learn the skills needed to solve their own problems. Sure, there are times when we need to step in and rescue them—but more often our role is that of a coach. When we’re coaching, we can listen to our kids, understand and validate the difficulty they’re experiencing, and stay connected as they try to figure a way out of their problems—and when necessary, step in to offer a solution. Our goal is to raise kids who are developing the skills necessary to calm themselves, and find creative solutions to

their problems… and hopefully feel a sense of empowerment when they’re successful. But in our hectic busy lives, sometimes it just feels easier to step in and “fix” the situation, rather than having the patience to let the child be frustrated, possibly melt down, and eventually solve the problem at her own pace. We won’t always be perfect in choosing which problems to help with, and which ones to let them solve on their own. But relax—it’s okay for children to experience doses of pain, frustration, and dis-

appointment… after all, these feelings are unavoidable parts of life for everyone. It’s also okay to sometimes overstep, or not step in quite enough. What makes us good parents is that we love our kids, we listen and seek to understand them and their worlds, verbally and non verbally let them know we’re on their side, believe in them and their abilities—and most importantly, accept and be proud of them just the way they are. (I think I might have just very loosely quoted Mister Rogers right there). Nate Bagley is a child and family counselor at Bridge City Counseling (bridgecitycounseling.com), and a part-time stayat-home dad. fall 2014 trueparent.com

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12 trueparent.com fall 2014

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This vs. That

SANITY CORNER

The Pros and Cons of Family Travel

ILLUSTRATION BY LEO ZAROSINSKI

BY HEATHER ARNDT ANDERSON

You’ve been busting your hump all year—and looky! You’ve finally saved up enough vacation hours to get out of town! How do you want to spend it: on a family vacation, or visiting out-of-town family? True Parent weighs the pros and cons to help you decide.

Taking a Family Vacation PROS

CONS

∙ You finally get some quality family bonding time, when you’ll make precious memories that will last your kids a lifetime! ∙ Some all-inclusive vacation package deals have activities for children that buy you some much-needed kid-free down time! ∙ Once the kids are asleep, you can do your normal couple stuff—but in an exotic location!

∙ Urine-soaked water parks, melanomas while waiting in lines that never end, and picnic basket-stealing bears. ∙ If you rent a vacation house, you still end up having to tidy up, wash dishes, and suffer other mundane, regular-life buzzkills. ∙ Your kids refuse to look away from their phones—yet it’s disappointingly illegal to just leave them in the car.

Visiting Out-of-State Family PROS ∙ Free lodging with built-in babysitters! Take a night off and have a date. Make that spendy airfare worth it! ∙ Surviving a harrowing stay with your crazy family strengthens the bond between you and your partner. You’re like war buddies now! ∙ It’s good for kids to know their ancestors, if only to know exactly why their parents moved so far away. ∙ Play your cards right, and soon you might be able to send the kids off on a plane by themselves to stay with Grandma and Grandpa for weeks at a time. For entire summers.

CONS ∙ Spending a week with your in-laws makes you want to gouge your eyes out with a grapefruit spoon. ∙ The all-consuming guilt of not visiting them, bolstered only by the guilt of how long it’s been since your last visit. And if you and your partner’s families live in different cities, someone is always butthurt about not being picked. ∙ You’re effectively throwing away your hard-earned money and paid time-off visiting a place you’ve intentionally escaped. ∙ Traveling during the holidays is like dipping your junk in honey and sitting on a pile of fire ants. fall 2014 trueparent.com

Fly Away Home

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Why We Decided to Pull Our Kid Out of School… and Into the Middle of the Palestinian-Israeli Conflict

BY COLLIN OLDHAM

T’S NORMAL TO DEVELOP anxieties when it’s neces-

sary to move and put your kids in a new school. But when my family moved to Jerusalem (the capital of either Israel or Palestine, depending on who you ask), I had additional worries: Like maybe zealots would be offended by my appearance and pelt me with stones. Or perhaps my barber would murder me with his straight razor in order to gain favor within his terrorist sleeper cell. But after being in Jerusalem with my family for a year, I’ve handily avoided being pelted or murdered (my barber uses a safety razor). However, these morbid scenarios aren’t something most parents worry about when changing schools. Two years ago, we had no idea we’d be moving abroad, and we had other concerns. Our daughter had just finished first grade, and she was already getting burned out

14 trueparent.com fall 2014

on education. That seemed a bit early to us, so we enrolled her in a new school that we thought would help get her spark back. We knew she would rather not make a change at all—so we didn’t take the decision lightly, and made a commitment as parents that we’d stick with this choice, at least until middle school. However, things do happen, don’t they? And as our daughter was adjusting to her dynamic and unconventional new school, my wife was called by her former employer, National Public Radio, about applying for a foreign correspondent job in Jerusalem. Obviously, that would be a terrific opportunity! But on the other hand, the qualities that make it a great place to have a news bureau (perpetual conflict, religious and ethnic animosities, terrorism, violent oppression, racist jingoism) are also qualities that could make Jerusalem a less than ideal

place to raise a child. But it would be an adventure! (Right?) And what a place to learn about ancient history, religion, and cultural diversity! (Right?) So two-thirds of the way through our child’s year at the new school, we pulled her out and jetted off to the Middle East, where we enrolled her in yet another, and very different, new school. (Smiles sheepishly.) Upon arrival at the new school in Jerusalem, it became clear she’d have to adjust to a few differences. These words were carved in stone above the entrance to the main building: “London Society for Promoting Christianity Amongst the Jews.” (I hoped that the building’s current purpose would be more fruitful.) Also of note: The new school came with an armed guard and a bomb shelter! They informed us they would have periodic bunker drills with air raid sirens. (The fire drill bells at her old school were upsetting enough!) And now, rather than making fairy houses out of moss and sticks, and building class consensus on math facts, her new school would teach British curriculum and include “religious studies”—which I feared could include an excess of peltings and murders. She would also have to make friends in a new classroom where she would be the only American kid among children from the Netherlands, Spain, Zimbabwe, Romania, Brazil, Italy, Russia, and Israel. I was worried about that—but she wasn’t. She had just made a bunch of new friends a few months before, and she knew she could do it again. And she was right: Those other kids had also come from other places, and were very good at making new friends as well! She also had no trouble with the bunker drills, and the guard has yet to unholster his pistol. She sometimes wishes she was still building fairy castles—but was delighted that her final project this year included making candy bars. And, mercifully, the religious studies instructor had the prudence to soft-pedal the stonings and incest in favor of lessons about kindness and virtue— which apparently can be found in the scriptures by a selective reader. Trust me, we would never have switched schools in the first place if we knew we were going to be moving in six months. So it was a good thing we didn’t know—and here’s why: The experience of successfully adjusting to a new school gave our daughter the confidence that she could do it again. This confidence was incredibly helpful when our family needed to

make this new and sudden transition, and we would’ve missed out on the opportunity to gain that confidence if we’d been able to make a more informed decision. She’s thriving in her new school, and while she’s often homesick, she’s hardly ever bored. We returned home to America this past summer for a vacation, and while we were away, Hamas and Israel found enough pretext to reheat their old conflict to a boil. We may very well return to a changed place. But, thanks to our previous experiences there, we’ve learned that the virtue of avoiding change is overrated. And even though we do our best to make the right decisions, it can really be okay to make the wrong ones.

Upon arrival at the new school building in Jerusalem, it became clear she’d have to adjust to a few differences. Carved in stone above the entrance to the main building were the words, “London Society for Promoting Christianity Amongst the Jews.” fall 2014 trueparent.com

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16 trueparent.com fall 2014

OES OH2014TrueP 7.125x4.66 P.indd 1

GRADES PRE-KINDERGARTEN THROUGH 5 (parents) WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 15, 2014 6:00 TO 8:00PM

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SUNDAY, OCTOBER 26, 2014 1:00 TO 4:00PM Our Pre-K to 12 day and boarding programs give future global leaders the skills and conﬁdence to succeed in an ever-changing world. Pre-register and view Open House schedule/ details at www.oes.edu/admissions. Financial Aid: need-based award program available.

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FALL 2014 EVENTS

Get a Sitter! Things to Eat, Watch, and Hear on Your Night Out

enough facsimile.) Roseland, 8 NW 6th, Tues Oct 28, 8 pm, $28, all ages

SALLIE FORD

JASON QUIGLEY

Music PROJECT PABST An insanely good lineup (featuring Modest Mouse, Tears for Fears, Violent Femmes, Red Fang, Shabazz Palaces, and many more) that could be the most enjoyable outdoor concert of the year. Zidell Yards, 3121 SW Moody (next to the Ross Island Bridge), Fri-Sun Sept 26-28, see projectpabst.com for lineup and schedule, $35-60 RYAN ADAMS At one time the enfant terrible of alt-country, Ryan Adams has settled down somewhat—opening his own production studio, and touring with his latest self-titled album, which contains plenty of brooding and shades of late ’70s Petty and Springsteen. Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, 1037 SW Broadway, Sun Oct 5, 8 pm, $46.50-76, all ages THE NEW PORNOGRAPHERS A.C. Newman, Neko Case, and

Dan Bejar are featured in this all-star lineup of the New Pornographers, who take jangle-pop to new and glorious heights. Also on this impressive bill are the Pains of Being Pure at Heart. Crystal Ballroom, 1332 W Burnside, Wed Oct 8, 8 pm, $26.5030, all ages SALLIE FORD Trotting out a new band and record, Sallie Ford is forgoing the jump and twang of her highly admired past in favor of smoldering rock attitude. Also playing: Summer Cannibals— who, if you haven’t seen live, what are you waiting for? Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside, Fri Oct 10, 9 pm, $15 KING TUFF If you’re still punk enough, don’t miss raucous guitar legend King Tuff, who pounds out bubblegum-metal riffs sure to turn any dance floor into a mosh pit. Also, La Sera—classic girl-group pop with a razor-sharp edge. Lola’s Room, 1332 W Burnside, Sat Oct 25, 6:30 pm, $15, all ages

YELLE She was the French-speaking belle of the post-disco ball movement in 2007, and still puts out incredibly danceable hooks. Lemonade joins the show with more Europop and punky booty-shaking fun. Wonder Ballroom, 128 NE Russell, Sun Oct 26, 8:30 pm, $18-20, all ages ALLO DARLIN’ UK/Aussie popsters Allo Darlin’ aren’t as twee as you think! (Maybe you’re the one with the irony problem, if you know what we mean.) Check out songs from their newest UNIRONIC album on this leg of their North American tour. Bunk Bar, 1028 SE Water, Mon Oct 27, 9 pm, $10-12 CHROMEO Disco-funk maestros Chromeo released their new album, White Women, in May, which means you’re overdue to hop aboard the party train. (Since it doesn’t look like Daft Punk will be stopping by anytime soon, a night out with Chromeo is a decent

HISS GOLDEN MESSENGER Fans of Americana and folk line up for Hiss Golden Messenger (AKA North Carolina’s M.C. Taylor), who makes music that alternates between Sunday-morning gospel and overcast blues chants that sound like they’re poured straight out of a hollow log. With more sleepy-time country pluckin’ from Megafaun’s Phil Cook. Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside, Sat Nov 8, 9 pm, $12-14 JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE Yes, this show’s been sold out for months—minutes after the tickets went on sale, actually— and yet? The Moda is famous for releasing tickets days before the show, soooo… why not? If anyone is worth the hassle, JT is. Moda Center, 1 Winning Way, Thu Nov 20, 7 pm, price: scalpers’ choice, all ages STURGILL SIMPSON This one’s also sold out already… but you’re industrious and we have faith in you. Echoing outlaws of the past—Waylon, Willie, Johnny, Lefty—but able to cast his own shadow, Sturgill Simpson has quickly earned a reputation as one of the saviors of country music. Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi, Tues Nov 25, 8 pm, price: scalpers’ choice ORQUESTRA PACIFICO TROPICAL Two party-time bands with an international bent—headlining is Portland’s premier cumbia band, Orquestra Pacifico Tropical, who’ll make you shake body parts you didn’t even know you had. Joining them will be the Ethiopian pop of Tezeta Band, who drill deep into the groove and hold it there until you are a fall 2014 trueparent.com

FALL 2014 EVENTS sweaty, dancing mess. Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi, Thurs Dec 4, 9 pm, $6-8 THE BARR BROTHERS One of the most astonishing live acts in North America, the Barr Brothers have embraced, head on, their flirtations with African desert blues and American country blues. But instead of reverently paying homage, they’ve twisted those elements into a dynamic, anomalous breadbasket of sound. Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside, Sun Dec 7, 9 pm, $12-15

BOOKS & READINGS STEVE ALMOND One of the country’s best pop-culture writers talks about his latest book, Against Football. Literary Arts, 925 SW Washington, Sun Oct 5, 1 pm MARK BITTMAN One of America’s best-known (and best) food writers presents How to Cook Everything Fast, with 2,000 dishes that can be cooked in 45 minutes or less. Powell’s City of Books, 1005 W Burnside, Wed Oct 15, 7:30 pm LENA DUNHAM The star of HBO’s Girls sits down for a long-sold-out conversation with Portlandia’s Carrie Brownstein, touching on the multitude of topics covered in Dunham’s newest collection of essays, Not That Kind of Girl. Newmark Theatre, 1111 SW Broadway, Sun Oct 19, 7:30 pm, $38 CHERYL STRAYED A discussion with the author of Wild, who also happens to moonlight as beloved advice 18 trueparent.com fall 2014

Get a Sitter! Things to Eat, Watch, and Hear on Your Night Out

columnist Dear Sugar. Part of Oregon Humanities’ Think & Drink series. Visit OregonHumanities.org for more details. Thurs Oct 23, 6:30 pm BOB ODENKIRK Amazingly, Odenkirk had never written a book until A Load of Hooey, a collection of monologues, essays, observances, and sketch ideas from the co-creator of Mr. Show. Powell’s City of Books, 1005 W Burnside, Sat Oct 25, 1 pm THE MOTH MAINSTAGE The big daddy of live storytelling events comes breezing into Portland, carried by the force of the tales told by some of America’s best artists, scientists, and livers of life. Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, 1037 SW Broadway, Mon Dec 15, 7:30 pm, $15.

THEATER INTIMATE APPAREL Pulitzer Prize-winning playwright Lynn Nottage tells the story of an African American seamstress in New York City in 1905, creating lingerie for the hoity-toity on Fifth Avenue, and the people putting in work at the tenderloin bordellos. Artists Repertory Theatre, 1515 SW Morrison, runs Wed-Sat 7:30 pm and Sun 2 pm, through Oct 5, $25-35 DREAMGIRLS Portland Center Stage presents their take on the Tony Award-winning musical loosely based on the career of the Supremes. Portland Center Stage, 128 NW 11th, runs Sept 20 to Nov 2, see pcs.org for dates and showtimes.

IN THE FOREST, SHE GREW FANGS A spin on Little Red Riding Hood about a rural kid raised by her grandma, and clowned by her schoolmates for her mother’s drug addiction. She meets a glamorous new student and starts undergoing changes juuust as a bunch of mangled deer carcasses start showing up in the woods. defunkt theatre, 4319 SE Hawthorne, runs Oct 10-Nov 15, see defunktheatre.com for dates and showtimes. THE SECOND CITY’S A CHRISTMAS CAROL: TWIST YOUR DICKENS The holiday classic about an old crank who gets hazed by a bunch of ghosts is given the spoof treatment by comedy troupe Second City. Portland Center Stage, 128 NW 11th, runs Nov 22 to Dec 24, see pcs.org for dates and showtimes

FILM HEAVEN ADORES YOU A new documentary concerning the legacy of Portland doom rocker Elliott Smith, featuring interviews with family, ex-girlfriends, and bandmates. Part of the Reel Music series. Whitsell Auditorium, 1219 SW Park, Fri Oct 10, 7 pm, Sun Oct 12, 12 pm, $9 STRICTLY SACRED: THE STORY OF GIRL TROUBLE The story of Tacoma’s famed garage rock/punk band Girl Trouble, with clips from their early-’80s heyday to today. Part of the Reel Music series. Whitsell Auditorium, 1219 SW Park, Thu Oct 16, 9 pm, $9

WANDA SYKES

COMEDY LATE NIGHT ACTION Portland’s best live talk show returns for its fifth season. Alex Falcone and Bri Pruett showcase some of Portland’s finest comics, musicians, and personalities. Season 5 premieres Sept 29. See LateNightAction.com for location, guests, and dates LIVE WIRE RADIO Portland’s best-known variety show returns for a new season of live music, interviews, and sketch comedy. Hosted by Luke Burbank. Alberta Rose Theatre, 3000 NE Alberta, Sat Oct 4, 7:30 pm, $20-35 WANDA SYKES It’s been a long, interesting road for the woman who first got noticed as part of Chris Rock’s crew, and then blew up on her own with multiple HBO specials, a sitcom, a talk show, and more. Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, 1037 SW Broadway, Fri Oct 10, 8 pm, $47-74.50

THE LIBERATORS Shelley McLendon, Nicholas Kessler, Tony Marcellino, and John Breen come together like an improv Voltron without the head and form one of the best sketch troupes in Portland. Brody Theater, 16 NW Broadway, Sat Oct 18, 9 pm FUNNY OVER EVERYTHING This is one of the best stand-up showcases in Portland, and this month’s installment lives up to that reputation, with a set from Jared Logan (cast member of VH1’s Best Week Ever, and star of his own web series, Don’t You Think). Hollywood Theatre, 4122 NE Sandy, Sat Oct 18, 9 pm, $10 LEWIS BLACK Halloween seems like a completely appropriate night to head to the Schnitz and have your hair peeled back by the gale force of pure rant from the angriest man in comedy. Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, 1037 SW Broadway, Fri Oct 31, 8 pm, $47-85.50

FOOD The following are “kid-friendly” restaurants that won’t murder your tastebuds. POA CAFÉ Poa fills a crucial need for parents—it allows you to enjoy a happy hour date (full bar!), and

ern Mexico cornhusk variety to $4.50 for the Southern Mexico banana-leaf numbers. The Southern Mexican tamales are moister, denser, more flavorful, and more substantial. Nowhere was this better showcased than with the mole negro tamale, filled with chicken and a traditional black mole that’s excellently spiced and far from cloying. Meanwhile the Burrito Del Mar special ($10) was better than it had any right to be. Eat out on the ginormous patio and linger if it’s sunny. ANDREA DAMEWOOD 1764 NE Dekum, tamaleboy.com

have a playdate meetup (decent snacks!). The menu has a mix of healthy options—sandwiches, salads, smoothies—and plenty of affordable kid options, including a stocked play area. Did I mention there was a full bar? Mimosas! JEN WICK 4025 N Williams, poacafe.com SUNSHINE TAVERN This is one of those places that oozes Portland cool, with its exposed wood, exposed pipes, exposed kitchen, and even an exposed shuffleboard table! But I digress. The menu is a calorie-laden celebration of comfort food with a rustic edge. Think fried chicken and waffles, a Monte Cristo sandwich, or pizza with an egg on it. Meanwhile, kids eat cheese pizza and grilled cheese sandwiches, while playing free exposed Pac-Man. CHRIS ONSTAD 3111 SE Division, sunshinepdx.com

SILVER MOON CRÊPERIE Featuring an impressive menu of crêpes, Silver Moon Crêperie’s menu is divided equally between “sweet” and “savory.” On sweet’s team are such yummies as butter and cinnamon sugar, chocolate chips, key lime cream, caramel banana, s’mores, and “mores.” But savory is no pushover, with stomach-filling entries like smoked ham, turkey and swiss, sliced brie, eggs, and pesto. The prices are more than reasonable, they make crêpes in “kid sizes,” and serve beer and wine by the glass. BOOM. Lunch is served. WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY 4220 N Mississippi, silvermooncreperie.com

SWISS HIBISCUS From behind a medical office just yards off NE Alberta, the chef and owner of Swiss Hibiscus (formerly Café Hibiscus), Jennie Wyss, serves a focused menu of old-world comfort dishes like jägerschnitzel with spätzle, Szegediner goulash, and rösti. Her restaurant, with its blended Hawaiian-Swiss decor and straightforward Swiss cuisine, is an inviting mix of refined food and warm hospitality. Worth noting is a large section of affordable yet uncompromised children’s fare that hews respectfully close to the adult offerings. CO 4950 NE 14th, martinsswissdressing.com TAMALE BOY The food and prices at Tamale Boy do justice to the Woodlawn area’s working-class roots. Tamales run $3.50 for the North-

ROMAN CANDLE From the kouign amann, to the masterfully designed sandwich

menu, to the pizza bianca, I’m continually impressed by the way Stumptown founder Duane Sorenson sets his sights on—and achieves—excellence. Pastries, such as the mythic kouign amann ($3) and the crackling croissants, are among Roman Candle’s finest offerings. Their pizza bianca menu features generous squares of focaccia-like bread with a respectably complex red sauce, traditional toppings, and light leopard spotting. Top honors go to the intense Tuscan Cavalry kale salad: a ribbon-cut kale, lightly wilted in a dressing of lemon, garlic, olive oil, and chilies, and dusted with toasted breadcrumbs and crumbled SarVecchio (a premium American parmesan). CO 3377 SE Division, romancandlebaking.com MI MERO MOLE You will not find the typical asada, pollo, and carnitas preparations on Mi Mero Mole’s menu; the restaurant focuses on a rotating roster of 50-odd guisados—stews and sautés—that chef Nick Zukin has concocted based on his tastes and travels. Their tacos, burritos, and quesadillas bridge the gap between fast food and something cooked slowly at home by my New Mexican grandmother. Chips come to the table warm, ideally salted, and are, to put it plainly, the finest example I can think of anywhere. CO 5026 SE Division, 32 NW 5th, mmmtacospdx.com MI MERO MOLE

KATIE SUMMER

ALL JANE, NO DICK The third annual festival celebrating women in comedy, highlighting the best local and national female stand-ups, including Kyle Mizono, Kelsie Huff, Mo Welch, and more. Curious Comedy Theater, 5225 NE MLK, runs Thurs-Sun Oct 16-19, see alljanenodick.com for locations and showtimes

fall 2014 trueparent.com

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FALL 2014 EVENTS

Drag Your Kid to This! Things to Do Together (They’ll Thank You Later) ‘Just a Friend.’ God I’m old.” Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, 1037 SW Broadway, Nov 19, 3 pm & 6 pm, $31.50-$123

LUNAR ECLIPSE

Girl Be Heard! GIRL BE HEARD! If you’ve got a teenage girl or a girl on the cusp, take her to Girl Be Heard!—a theater project that uses actual teens telling their stories about race, discrimination, leadership, bullying, sexual identity, and more. Plus, there’s plenty of music, dancing, and song to help develop awareness of themselves and the importance of gender equity. Sellwood Playhouse, 901 SE Spokane, Fri Sept 26, 7 pm, $15 general, $12 kids 18 and under, $10 pre-show tix at wellarts.org, more info at girlbeheard.org CHAPMAN SWIFTS Each year, the air grows chilly, the days are slowly snipped away at the margins, and the elegant Vaux’s Swifts return to the Chapman Elementary School chimney, where they swarm and pirouette for hours before finding a night’s rest. Often a raptor of some sort starts picking them off in the middle of it all—which is when things really get good. Nature! Kids need to learn about it! Chapman Elementary School,

1445 NW 26th, an hour before sunset, through September FAMILY ARCHERY SESSION Trackers Earth Portland hosts some of the most popular summer camps in the city by introducing kids to the great outdoors—but they have lots of non-summery activities too, including the “Family Archery Session,” where the entire gang can drop by any Saturday and learn how to “nock, draw, and loose.” All ages are welcome. Trackers Earth Portland, 4617 SE Milwaukie, Saturdays, $15 per child, more info at trackerspdx.com LEARN TO SKATE CLASS One of the great joys of childhood is being dropped off at the roller rink and sneaking off to smoke cigarettes… wait. We’re getting ahead of ourselves. Roller skating is a great fall and winter activity when you can’t get outside, and Oaks Park features a very fun group lesson every Saturday (starting October 4) that will teach your young ones the basics—while improving

your rusty skills as well. Plus the $6.50 charge also allows you to stick around for the following afternoon skate session, which is an absolute bargain. Oaks Park Skating Rink, 7805 SE Oaks, every Saturday starting Oct 4, 12:15-1 pm, $6.50 (includes skates and admission to their 1-5 pm session) PARTIAL SOLAR ECLIPSE PARTY Tired of screaming at your children to stop staring at solar eclipses? Let the professionals at OMSI do it for you at this partial solar eclipse viewing party, featuring filtered solar telescopes… which we’re pretty sure you don’t have lying around the house. OMSI South Parking Lot, 1945 SE Water, Oct 23, 1:30-4:30 pm, free

TALE AS OLD AS TIME: DISNEY IN CONCERT While definitely a controversial choice for the average Portland parent, you’ve been aching to get your kid to the symphony and obtain a little “culture,” right? Then you could probably do much worse than listening to the Oregon Symphony play the greatest hits from such Disney fare as The Little Mermaid, The Lion King, Beauty and the Beast, and of course, the ear-wormiest of them all, Frozen. Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, 1037 SW Broadway, portland5. com, Nov 29-30, Sat 7:30 pm, Sun 3 pm, $22 & up RUDOLPH: ON STAGE! Bad Reputation (the brilliant minds behind Road House: The Play, and Lost Boys Live!) revives 2013’s hit holiday adaptation of the Rankin-Bass stop-motion classic, Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer, about a reindeer and his aspiring dentist friend. It stars Portland’s finest sketch and improv actors, which means it’s hilarious for adults and magical for kids. CoHo Theater, 2257 NW Raleigh, Nov 28-Dec 20, see badreputationprods.com for details and tickets FAMILY ARCHERY SESSION

YO GABBA GABBA! LIVE! Yo Gabba Gabba is one of the few kids TV shows that A) actually has some street cred, and B) doesn’t make you want to stab your ears off. In this live energetic stage show, the young’uns will thrill to the antics of Brobee, Foofa, and Toodee, while you’ll think, “Man, I remember when Biz Markie sang fall 2014 trueparent.com

DANGEROUS PARENTING

Naked Boy I

ILLUSTRATION BY JACK POLLOCK

By Daria Eliuk

t’s the hottest day of summer and our 5-yearold son, Xander, is peeing into the birdbath.

Xander has shaggy brown hair, huge almond eyes, and looks like Mowgli from The Jungle Book. He’s as brown as Baloo, too, because—except for outings that require a car—he hasn’t worn clothes since April. Xander is a Naked Boy. He was born into the right family for it. Growing up in an old farmhouse with no air conditioning in rural Iowa, clothing was not an option for my mother, father, brother, or me during the summer months. I remember a naked family portrait was taken on our porch steps when I was about X’s age. My hippie mom grew slightly more conservative as the years passed, but when I brought high school friends home for the first time, I did have to warn them of the possibility that she might be gardening in a tank top with no pants or underwear. “Trash Pack! On my butt crack! Trash Pack! On my nnnnnut sack!” Xander is obsessed with little rubber ghoulish collectibles called Trash Packs, and that’s his current favorite song. It’s his “Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes” and guests are usually treated to a naked performance of it. He spins around bare with his Dad in the backyard, his face to the sky, lies on his back in the grass and bicycles in the air. “The wind is feeling awesome on my parts,” he says. He has a birthmark on his brown belly, just above the bellybutton where he occasionally stores marbles or Trash Pack Minis. His twin-peaches butt has a thin line across it from when he backed into the hot enamel fireplace front. It looks exactly like he’s been caned and I’ve been steeling myself for the first bout of suspicion. His back is long and straight and magnificent. Our beautiful animal boy. I don’t remember exactly when it started to feel awkward to be unclothed around my parents. There was a day when I heard myself yelling at my mom to get out when she came into the bathroom while I was in the tub. There was a day when my grandparents were visiting; I was dancing naked in my room to K.C. and the Sunshine Band. My Lutheran grandmother knocked and came in, gave a quick shriek, and ran out, slamming the door. We moved to a crappy suburb of Denver, and our fenced backyard was solid dirt—not conducive to running and

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playing nude. My school friends all wore clothes. I didn’t want or plan to feel shameful or embarrassed; it came on sneaky, then strong, like a virus I couldn’t shake. It was a glow from childhood that had faded. I felt the loss, but I couldn’t recover it. Xander will grow up 30 years later, and in a city like Portland— so maybe he’ll be able to keep his glow longer. Maybe when he comes home from school, he’ll still announce: “My belly has the sweats! I’m gonna gear down!” and gleefully shuck his Angry Birds ensemble before settling in to sort dinosaurs. We can’t anticipate how his comfort boundaries will evolve. Maybe his form of rebellion will be wearing pajamas to bed. For his dad and I, big ugly slack-jawed tears will certainly be falling when he walks into kindergarten that first day, his shoulders looking tiny and vulnerable under his new big backpack. We’ll be wrecks during his first heartbreak, when a friend betrays him, when he struggles with pain he doesn’t share, when he moves out of our home and only returns as a visitor. It will be a special kind of heartbreak, though, the day he doesn’t want to sit between us on the sofa, all of us naked, feet on the ottoman, eating ice cream sandwiches and watching Clarence on Cartoon Network. Clothing? “…When you find out you can live without it/And go along not thinking about it/I’ll tell you something true/The bare necessities of life will come to you.” Daria, Dallas, and Xander Eliuk live in Southeast Portland. They have curtains and thick hedges. Daria can be heard MondayFriday, 3-7 pm, on the Daria, Mitch, and Ted show, 105.1 The Buzz. Lyrics from “The Bare Necessities” from Disney’s The Jungle Book.

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