Moving gayly forward in life is not always so straightforward

- but a supportive family sure helps

BY JOHN HEWSON

I was 16 or 17 in high school with a group of guy friends when one mentioned a statistic he’d read: one in five men are gay!

We were shocked and immediately pointed to one of the lads who we unanimously deemed to fit the bill. He blushed and objected, but the laughter drowned him out. The conversation moved on.

Five years later on a weekend excursion a male friend kissed me and I didn’t stop him. We fooled around from time to time when the girlfriends weren’t around and eventually concluded we’re not gay, so carried on separate lives and dating women. He went on to marry have two kids, get divorced and then marry a dude, who’s he’s now separated from for infidelity reasons.

Youth in schools went through a phase where it was cool to be bi, and why not, if you’re attracted to the person and happen to get it on with them, go for it. Consenting adults having consensual sex is normal and healthy and fun.

So why has ‘you’re so gay’ gone from meaning jolly, vibrant, alive and free, to slang for ‘it’s shit,’ or a slur to put someone down?

Personally I resisted the ‘gay’ label for so long because of the inferences to being lesser than or not normal, effeminate, a reject.

Now I quite like it, because I see I was brave enough to try, to experiment, be myself and own it. Going from allergic to the word, afraid of gay people, to being curious accepting myself and now an advocate. Careless words can do lasting damage.

A few years back I conducted research for the Canadian Tourism authorities on the best LGBTQ destinations in the world, creating a training handbook for destinations interested in attracting the lucrative gay travellers – dual income no kids for the most part and a sense of adventure to see the world. More importantly, an attraction to destinations and businesses who welcomed same-sex couples and trans folks as normal, understanding their travel needs and catering to them.

For the most part, we of the LGBTQIA2S+ community want to feel safe, accepted, and welcomed, and not treated differently. Ignorance and rudeness is what it is, no matter who it’s direct towards. Hate crimes are rare these days, but being gay is still illegal and punishable by death in some countries in the world. There’s a lot to consider in simply being you, embracing your gay.

So how do we score here in qathet?

We have a strong queer community, the LGBTQIA2S+ is a growing acronym, who can name all those letters? Lesbian and gay are pretty clear, bi is a bit of both. The Kinsey Scale includes everyone, the full range from 100% straight (don’t even look at me) on one extreme to 100% gay (no straights or opposite sex near me). The Q is for questioning or queer and curious, I and A for intersex and asexual.

The 2S for Two Spirited which spoke to me as I know I’m made of man and woman, male and female energy with varying levels of dominance for different aspects of my life, a term I understand originates within some First Nations communities.

The plus on the end ensures we include any others who feel left out or ignored. Many have their own inclusive flags, check out qathetpride.ca/pride-flags. We all identify differently, so it’s best to ask or offer your pronouns.

Raised by a single mother I carry many feminine traits and fewer strong male traits, even though I present mostly as a tall strong male. For many indigenous communities the two spirited folks were those who helped resolve differences in that they possessed both spirits and energies and points of view, so better able to relate and see both sides.

REFUSING THE “GAY” LABEL: qathet Pride Society chair John Hewson (and this article’s author) in Paris with his friend Roy four decades ago. Only later in life did they separately embrace their personal truths.

Coming out of the closet does not have to be a big gay parade. It might be a smile or friendly arm around your shoulders.

For me it was a simple conversation, one on one, with friends and family. Know it can be nerve-wracking for so many as we harbour fears of rejection or judgment by those closest to us. For many today it’s easier as awareness is so much higher, with accepting parents seeing and embracing the qualities their kids reflect and are drawn to.

Sadly it can be fraught with trauma where parents or siblings, friends or school bullies use defamatory language that creates barriers and fear and hatred that we shy away from. If you think this way, you might say “Get a spine, stand up, who cares what they think!”

But think of it from point of view of the person coming out. They don’t want anything to change. Listen, ask questions. We still want to be loved and accepted, to carry on as before. Normal and adored.

My mum called it ‘my little secret’ for a while. My brother said, “Okay, carry on as normal, we can talk about it if you like.” Years later when his son come out as trans, he said “brilliant,” paused, then “I have no idea what you’re going through. Is it okay if we talk about it?” And they did.

I know my initial fears around ‘gay people’ were based on not understanding, afraid they might seduce me or convert me. Maybe it was the fear of me actually liking it, which thankfully I now do.

If you are afraid or hesitating, consider that not everything you hear is true. Find a friend or ally, start talking, and let go of self-judgment. Freedom may take a while, and you owe it to yourself to be true. Be you.

We have a wonderful qathet Pride Society here and for the most part a supportive community. And we can do better. Brooks student Jordana conducted a survey a year or two back to discover kids feel threatened and hear negative slurs daily, so watch your language and consider the sensitivity of those facing their truth, it could be your brother, sister, friend or parent.

You’ve seen the slogan ‘Love is Love.’ And it is. In a world where we are becoming more disconnected, celebrating love, connection and belonging are vital to improving our quality of life. Displays of love and intimacy and caring should be celebrated, not criticized.

We have an opportunity to educate each other and gather as queer community year round, not just for Pride week. We have the opportunity to explore our own fluidity and feelings towards one another – they don’t have to mean physical sexual contact. Share some love and acceptance, not just for the queer folks (who are leading the way), but also for our straight friends and queer allies.

Imagine the courage it takes to say ‘I’m not male, I identify as female’ and facing all that involves, whether transitioning from male to female or female to male. If that were me, I’d want you to hold my hand and listen, support me, not persuade me otherwise or judge or make fun of any part of the transition.

My nephew asked me to help tell his dad. I did and it was one of the most amazing conversations of my life to witness. I was as proud of my brother’s reaction and his transitioning daughter’s clarity. Be a friend and an ally. Be open, patient and inform yourself.

Imagine it’s you or someone close to you facing their truth, how would you react and behave?

qathet Pride has some resources, and we hope to grow beyond the one weekend a year event to year round support and education, so we are interested to hear what you see and want and need to help normalize and educate what’s becoming more normal than ever before.

When we create safe LGBTQ spaces we create safe spaces for everyone. If you or your family or firm or workplace wish to embrace sensitivity training to better welcome people from the region and around the globe, let us know. At qathet Pride we hope to grow. And hope to serve the wider community in caring for our queer, gay, LGBTQIA2S+ friends.

In a region of 20,000 people, likely 2,000, yes 10% are somewhere on the queer rainbow. Kids, youth, parents, seniors, we come in all shapes and sizes. The use of ‘gay’ in this article includes everyone on the LGBTQIA2S+ spectrum, queers and all, the purpose is to include all genders, destigmatize and humanize our relationship with each other as caring human beings.

In this multi-cultural world we still get some threats of violence and mean slurs. When you witness them, shut them down. It’s like racism. If you ignore ignorant hateful slander, you are supporting it. Call it out or report it, it’s a crime and being human we’re meant to be kind.

We’re not recruiting you. We are simply being brave and bold and being ourselves in this wonderful world.