6 minute read
HELEN SNAPE
ARE YOU TOO NICE FOR YOUR OWN GOOD?
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— BY HELEN SNAPE
HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU ARE TOO NICE?
You get overlooked for the promotions. Your workload is increased whereas some of your colleagues seem to do very little. You never get a pay rise. And no one seems to hear what you have to say in meetings. You complain yet stay in toxic work environments.
In your relationships outside of work you may find you keep getting into unhealthy relationships, or staying in them too long. You find it hard to get your needs met. Although you may love someone very much, you don’t feel the level of intimacy or connection you would like.
You certainly have no time for your own hobbies and interests (if you even know what they are).
You find you don’t have time to look after yourself. You feel constantly tired.
If any of this is sounding familiar, you are not alone, it’s not your fault and you can do something about it.
WHERE DOES ALL THIS COME FROM?
As children, we pick up both verbal and nonverbal messages from our parents or caretakers on how life works and how to navigate our existence. In transactional analysis terms, we all have one or more ‘drivers’ that we have absorbed, such as ‘be strong’, ‘be perfect’, or ‘please people’ that unconsciously drive our behaviour.
It may be that you were rewarded with affection when you were happy and bubbly, but ignored or criticised if you were sad. It may be that you were told off when you got angry and so you learnt not to feel your anger. It may be that you were taught to put others needs before your own, for example, giving your aunt a hug when you really didn’t want to.
And at school those messages get reinforced where you are rewarded for being polite and quiet, not having any problems or questions and for helping out.
You learned that making other people happy made you feel happy (for a while anyway). You adopted the peoplepleasing pattern of thinking, feeling and behaving and it helped you get by in the world. It helped you survive all the difficulties life has thrown at you.
Yet living in that pattern also cuts you off from your true self, from knowing what you want in life and from being able to lead your life. It keeps you playing small at work and from having rewarding relationships.
If you continue to say ‘Yes’ to everyone else when your body wants to say ‘No’, this will eventually take its toll on your health and wellbeing. I talk with too many people who have reached burnout or developed chronic illnesses before they are ready to break their peoplepleasing patterns.
WHAT CAN YOU DO TO PLEASE YOURSELF INSTEAD?
The good news is that you can break free of people-pleasing patterns, regardless of where they came from and how long you have been living them.
You can begin to replace that fake smile with a real one, following these steps:
Self-discovery
Mind-Body connection
Inner-child
Loving boundaries
Effective communication
Self-discovery: You want to turn that beautiful attention you give to everyone else, to yourself. That may feel awkward at first and that’s okay. You want to start learning about yourself – what you love, what makes you laugh, what’s important to you, what you long for. You can’t speak up for yourself until you know yourself.
Mind-body connection: You are likely to be very sensitive to what others are feeling but find it hard to know what you are feeling. Your feelings give you vital information and the power that you need in order to take care of yourself. Your mind can be very quick to tell you what you think, but in order to know how you feel, you need to tune into your whole being. When you want to know how you feel, breathe, give your attention to the centre of your being and wait for the answer.
Inner-child: This is the part of you that formed from birth to about age 6. Everyone has an inner child. You need to develop a relationship with and take care of your inner child so that they feel protected and loved without needing to cling onto other people. You need to start validating them for who they are, rather than expecting other people to do it for you.
Loving boundaries: Your boundaries tell other people how you want to be treated. They are self-care in action. There are lots of different kinds of boundaries, such as time, emotional, mental, spiritual, physical and sexual ones. Often, those in the people-pleasing pattern have boundaries that are too diffuse, meaning they say ‘Yes’ too often and take on others’ problems and end up feeling overwhelmed and drained. You can learn to set loving boundaries based on your truth, by noticing what is true for you and what you need in any given moment.
Effective communication: If you weren’t taught how to advocate for yourself growing up, you can learn. Instead of guessing others intentions, you can ask. Instead of hinting at what you need, you can learn to be direct. Instead of waiting to hear everyone else’s opinions before you speak, you can say what you think first. You can learn who to trust with your feelings.
All of these SMILE elements will help you break those people-pleasing patterns. You are still that caring, kind person but you now have access to your own power and your own peace and can make healthy choices for your own wellbeing.
You will begin to show up as an equal in your relationships, speak up for what you want, get recognised and rewarded at work and become the leader of your own life.
About Helen Snape
Helen is a Healthy Relationships Coach who helps ‘good girls’ grow their guilt-free ‘No’ and find fulfilling relationships by building boundaries, confidence and effective communication skills. Helen has been coaching for over 10 years, has a degree in Psychology from the University of Warwick and is qualified in mindfulness, body-oriented coaching and coaching with trauma. An award-winning speaker, Helen has been interviewed on BBC Radio, the Women’s Economic Forum and been featured in Happiful magazine.
