How to Support Your Grieving Child
The best way to teach your child how to cope with loss is to implement effective coping strategies in your own life.
CHILDREN AND GRIEF
It has been an honor to care for and support you and your family throughout the hospice journey. Now, we are honored to support you, as a parent, as you navigate through the grieving process with your child. While there is no “perfect handbook,” it is our hope that this booklet can aid you in helping your grieving child.
How death feels for a child
Death is sad and scary for adults, and it can bring out the same set of emotions in your child. As a parent, when your child is sad, unhappy or hurt, you are, too. Sometimes, it’s hard to know if you are making the right choices for your child through their grief journey, but it’s important to follow your gut instincts. You know your child best. Trust yourself to educate your child and answer their questions in a way that will be most beneficial to them. Remember, your child will most likely need to talk about how they’re feeling more than once. Each conversation with your child will matter because it is coming from you. For any individual, especially children, absence of a person takes time to fully accept. Grief is a lifelong journey, and children often experience their grief on different levels and at different times throughout their lives.
Caring for yourself, first
Talking with your child about a death can feel impossible when you, yourself, are grieving. Your child is most likely asking the same questions you are asking yourself. “How could something this unfair happen?” “How is our family life going to change without this person?” During this difficult time, your love and guidance are very important to your child. Your child will learn how to handle their grief by watching what you do to cope.
This is why it’s important to care for yourself and consider your own wellness. Call in help, go to bed early, eat well, take walks and talk to someone (such as a hospice staff member) who can be there for you. Sometimes, just speaking with a professional for reassurance in the way you’re helping your child grieve is all you need. It’s crucial to take care of yourself so you can be the best resource possible for your child.
Grief affects children of all ages
Try talking to your child about death in a way that is geared to their developmental level. Be sensitive to their capacity to understand the situation while remembering that no child is too young to be affected by the death of someone close. Children feel a sense of powerful emotions around them and changes in routine.
YOUR CHILD’S EMOTIONS
You may ask yourself, “Why is my child angry, then sad?” “Why is my child going through all of these emotions at once?” Grief is complicated, and children have difficulty understanding and vocalizing their emotions. As a parent, try to listen to your child and encourage them to share how they are feeling. Some emotions you may expect your child to experience are:
Frustration
Panic
Anger/Rage
Anxiety
Helplessness
Abandonment
Sadness
Guilt
Despair
Disappointment
Confusion
Sorrow
Denial
Envy
Resentment
Bitterness
Emptiness
Yearning
Distraught
Rejection
Hurt
Fear
Loneliness
Regret
The range of reactions that your child could display in response to the death of a loved one may include:
• Emotional shock and, at times, an apparent lack of feelings.
• Regressive behaviors such as asking to be rocked or held or separation anxiety from parents or significant others.
• Explosive emotions and acting out behaviors.
• Repeatedly asking the same questions, which may revolve around why the death occurred, the process of death and what happens after death.
• Your child may visit their concerns briefly, then turn to play or schoolwork. This allows them not to be overwhelmed, but doesn’t necessarily mean their concerns have been addressed.
HELPING YOUR CHILD THROUGH GRIEF
Here are 10 ways to help your child, who may be having difficulty processing the finality of death, cope with the death of a loved one:
1. Explain the loss.
Children have difficulty processing lengthy explanations, but they do need facts. When talking about death, use simple, clear words. Tell your child about a death in a comfortable space where they feel they can react in a way that is natural to them. Pause to give your child a moment to take in your words. Take your cues from your child, and allow them to ask for further explanations.
2. Figure out how to say goodbye.
Determine whether or not it’s appropriate for your child to attend a funeral. If you feel it is appropriate for your child, consider designating a caregiver for your child in case things get too emotional. However, children should be given the chance to say goodbye in a way that is comfortable to them. You can help your child make their own decision by preparing them for what they will see at the funeral home or service. Describe how their loved one will look and how other people will be feeling. If the deceased is cremated, explain their choice and reasoning. Share your family’s beliefs about what happens to a person after death to prepare them for the service.
3. Label and normalize feelings.
Help your child label their feelings, and label your own to provide an example. Help your child understand that it’s perfectly okay to feel sad, angry, hurt, overwhelmed, confused and even lonely. Let your child tell their own story about their grief, and be a good listener.
4. Find ways to celebrate your loved one.
Young children will sometimes continue to ask to see their loved one for weeks/months following a loss. When your child misses or wants to see their loved one, consider remembering the loved one with your child in a creative way (see page 8 for ideas).
5. Find healthy activities for you and your child. Just as self-care helps adults cope with grief, self-care will also help your child (see page 12 for ideas)
6. Provide reassurance
Children tend to be “egocentric,” meaning they worry about how life events will affect them personally. Be explicit about the steps you will take as a family to remain healthy. Visiting the doctor for check-ups, eating fruits and vegetables, getting regular exercise and getting adequate sleep are all steps toward good health. Your child will need frequent reminders that you are okay, and that they are, too.
7. Encourage questions and think about your answers.
Understand and encourage your child to ask questions about loss and death. As an adult, don’t worry about knowing all the answers. It’s best to rely on facts (“Their body stopped working.”) and avoid phrases such as, “It was their time.” Vague answers, along with too much information, may leave your child confused and scared.
8. Don’t avoid connecting with your child. It’s okay that you’re not exactly sure what to say or do at all times. Sometimes a knowing look, touch or hug can offer the comfort your child needs.
9. Try to limit the changes to your daily routine. Try to keep to routines for work and school as much as possible. Keeping to a routine will limit the amount of changes occurring in your child’s life at this time.
10. Give your child time.
Grief doesn’t go away overnight. Be sure to have ongoing conversations, and check in with your child on how they are feeling and doing. Let your child know it’s okay to cry. Expressing your sorrow over a loss means you’ve experienced a very special relationship that you miss. Ensure them that healing doesn’t mean forgetting their feelings or their loved one. It means remembering the person with love and letting happy memories give them good feelings as they move on with life.
CELEBRATING A LOVED ONE WITH YOUR CHILD
Your child may benefit from the chance to remember, honor and celebrate their loved one in a creative, therapeutic way.
• Create a memory candle.
Use materials like paint, foam letters and jewels for decoration. Written words and photos that remind you of your loved one can be added to or around the candle.
• Plant a tree, flowers or a memory garden in a special place.
• Make a collage or scrapbook.
Use photos and stories of your loved one that remind you of what you and your child enjoyed most about them.
• Make a quilt or tie blanket.
Consider using your loved one’s clothing (T-shirts, ties, scarves, etc.) as the fabric.
• Register a personalized star. The online star registry allows you to choose a constellation, star name and star date in honor of your loved one.
• Make memorial jewelry.
Create jewelry out of your loved one’s mementos, or consider designing a locket featuring their photo. A charm bracelet could be a way to mark the years that go by, with each new charm reflecting a special memory of your loved one. Consider having a ring, bracelet or necklace engraved with your loved one’s signature or name.
• Give back.
Caring for others can be therapeutic to you and your child during the grieving process. Find opportunities to volunteer together.
• Take a trip to your loved one’s favorite place.
Visit your loved one’s home town, favorite restaurant or vacation spot to remember them.
• Make your loved one’s favorite meal together.
• Make a memory box or basket.
Place photos of your loved one in a basket. Gather the family and take turns sharing the stories behind the photos.
• Release a butterfly.
For many, butterflies are a symbol of hope and renewal. You can purchase (via mail order) native butterflies bred specifically for release.
• Create a recipe book of your loved one’s favorite recipes.
• Make a teddy bear.
Help your child keep their loved one close by making a teddy bear out of your loved one’s favorite shirt or other memorable piece of clothing.
• Adopt a pet.
If your loved one was an animal lover, adopt a pet from your local animal shelter in their memory. You might even give your new pet a name that reminds you of them. Make sure you and your family are prepared for this commitment.
5 TIPS FOR SURVIVING
THE HOLIDAYS AS A FAMILY
The holidays can be hard after a loss, but they also allow you to create new traditions that honor your loved one while helping you move forward as a family.
1. Lower your expectations of the holidays. The holidays will look different without your loved one. It’s okay to change how you celebrate (such as adding a new tradition to honor your loved one). You can, however, keep meaningful traditions like baking cookies or displaying favorite decorations.
2. Create a new tradition in memory of your loved one (see pages 8 - 9). Also consider making a memorial ornament, saying a special prayer or playing special music. Plan ahead and communicate with the people you will spend the holidays with in advance to make sure everyone is in agreement about traditions and plans.
3. Acknowledge your loss and discuss your loved one around the table. Share your memories and what lessons you learned from your loved one. This can create a setting for meaningful conversations. It may also help your child learn things about their loved one that they never knew. In addition, it can encourage your child to share their feelings among a supportive group.
4. Make some quiet time for yourself, as a parent. The holidays can be hectic, so make quiet time for yourself. Ask others to help with cooking, shopping or decorating. Time to yourself will provide you with energy to devote to your child.
5. Enjoy yourself, and encourage your child to enjoy themselves. The grief journey will be tough, but there will also be love and joy. Encourage your child that it’s okay to “just be a kid,” especially during the holidays. It’s okay for both of you to be happy – this doesn’t diminish how much you love and miss the person who isn’t there.
GRIEF AND YOUNG CHILDREN
Children begin to understand death and grasp its finality around age 4, according to research conducted by the University of Cincinnati. The National Center for School Crisis and Bereavement shares there are four essential concepts a child needs to understand in order to fully comprehend and accept death. Most children will understand these concepts by age 5 to 7. However, when personal experience is supported by thoughtful explanations from you, children several years younger can come to understand these concepts as well.
• Death is permanent, not a temporary situation.
• All life functions end at the time of death: Grasping this concept will help your child understand their loved one is not suffering.
• Everything that is alive eventually dies.
• There are physical reasons why someone dies. Understanding this helps eliminate possible confusion and feelings of guilt and shame your child may feel after a loss.
HEALTHY ACTIVITIES FOR YOU AND YOUR CHILD
Try participating in the following activities with your child, or encourage them to partake in some of these activities alone. These activities can also be beneficial for adults who are overcoming grief.
• Watch a funny movie
• Write a self-care plan
• Journal writing (see page 14 for prompts for children)
• Go for a walk or hike
• Play with your pet
• Mediate or pray
• Spend time with friends or siblings
• Stretch or practice yoga
• Play a board or card game
• Visit a park
• Make a funny video
• Cook with a loved one
• Go to the library
• Write a poem, short story or song
• Learn a new language
• Learn to play an instrument
• Draw or paint
• Write a letter to your future self or to your loved one
• Plant a garden/fairy garden
• Visit a museum
• Make a favorite recipe
• Take photos of nature
• Listen to your favorite music
• Do a puzzle
• Turn up the music and dance
• Practice deep breathing exercises
• Make a craft
• Read a book (see page 13)
• Join an exercise class
• Create a nourishing morning routine
• Join a support group
BOOKS ON GRIEF
FOR CHILDREN AND TEENS
• “I’ll Always Love You” By Hans Wilhelm (Ages 3 - 7)
• “Chester Raccoon and the Acorn Full of Memories” By Audrey Penn (Ages 3 - 8)
• “Where Do People Go When They Die?” By Mindy Portnoy (Ages 3 - 8)
• “I Miss You: A First Look at Death” By Pat Thomas (Ages 4+)
• “Where Are You? A Child’s Book About Loss” By Laura Olivieri (Ages 4+)
• “Someone I Love Died” By Christine Harder Tangvald (Ages 4 - 8)
• “The Memory String” By Eve Bunting (Ages 4 - 8)
• “Lifetimes: The Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children” By Bryan Mellonie and Robert Ingpen (Ages 5+)
• “The Empty Place: A Child’s Guide Through Grief” By Dr. Roberta Temes (Ages 5 - 10)
• “Sad Isn’t Bad: A Good-Grief Guidebook for Kids Dealing with Loss” By Michaelene Mundy (Ages 6+)
• “Bridge to Terabithia” By Katherine Peterson (Ages 8+)
• “The Boxcar Children” By Gertrude Chandler Warner (Ages 8 - 10)
• “Where the Red Fern Grows” By Wilson Rawls (Ages 8 - 10)
• “I Wish I Could Hold Your Hand … A Child’s Guide to Grief and Loss” By Dr. Pat Palmer (Ages 9+)
• “Because of Winn-Dixie” By Kate DiCamillo (Ages 9 - 12)
• “Straight Talk About Death for Teenagers” By Earl Grollman (Ages 13+)
• “Tiger Eyes” By Judy Blume (Ages 13+)
JOURNAL PROMPTS FOR YOUR CHILD
Journal prompts can help your child with self-expression, specifically when they are not able to talk to you or otherwise express how they feel about the loss of a loved one. If writing isn’t age appropriate for your child, encourage them to draw pictures based on these topics. Ask your child to tell you about their artwork.
1. What makes you feel happy when you’re sad?
2. Write about three things you did right today.
3. Write a list of 10 things you are thankful for.
4. Which person are you most grateful for in your life?
Describe the parts of this person that make you happy.
5. Are you scared of anything? Why? How do you handle your fear?
6. Describe a time you did something that made you scared. How did you get through it? How did you feel afterward?
7. What words do you wish someone would say to you when you’re having a hard time?
CHILDREN’S GRIEF
COUNSELING
RESOURCES
These organizations offer children, teen and family grief support, including counseling and support groups. Masonic Village Hospice offers individual bereavement support and bereavement support groups for adults.
Olivia’s House: York Location
830 S. George Street, York, PA 17403
Phone Number: 717-699-1133
Olivia’s House: Hanover Location
101 Baltimore Street, Hanover, PA 17331
Phone Number: 717-698-3586
Pathways Center for Grief and Loss: Lancaster Location
685 Good Drive, Lancaster, PA 17604
Phone Number: 717-295-3900
The Bob Fryer and Family Inpatient Center/Pathways Center for Grief and Loss: Mount Joy Location
4075 Old Harrisburg Pike, Mount Joy, PA 17552
Phone Number: 717-735-9661
Pathways Center for Grief and Loss: York Location
235 St. Charles Way, York, PA 17402
Phone Number: 717-793-2113
WellSpan Health Grief Support Groups
For information, call 717-632-5118
Camp Dragonfly (weekend camp): Together Laughing and Crying (TLC)
2645 North Third Street, Harrisburg, PA 17110
Phone Number: 717-732-1000
Highmark Caring Place
3 Walnut Street Suite 200, Lemoyne, PA 17048
Phone Number: 866-613-4673
This resource list is for informational purposes only and is not an endorsement of the organizations listed and/or services provided.
Let us know if you need language assistance.
ATENCIÓN: si habla español, tiene a su disposición servicios gratuitos de asistencia lingüística. Llame al 1-717-361-8449.
Wann du [Deitsch (Pennsylvania German / Dutch)] schwetzscht, kannscht du mitaus Koschte ebber gricke, ass dihr helft mit die englisch Schprooch. Ruf selli Nummer uff: Call 717-361-8449.
Masonic Village Hospice complies with applicable Federal civil rights laws and does not discriminate on the basis of race, color, national origin, age, disability or sex. Masonic Village Hospice does not exclude people or treat them differently because of race, color, national origin, age, disability or sex.
Masonic Village Hospice cumple con las leyes federales de derechos civiles aplicables y no discrimina por motivos de raza, color, nacionalidad, edad, discapacidad o sexo.
Masonic Village Hospice iss willich, die Gsetze (federal civil rights) vun die Owwerichkeet zu folliche un duht alle Leit behandle in der seem Weg. Es macht nix aus, vun wellem Schtamm ebber beikummt, aus wellem Land die Voreldre kumme sinn, was fer en Elt ebber hot, eb ebber en Mann iss odder en Fraa, verkrippelt iss odder
The journey will be tough, but there will also be love and joy. EOE