Prep News
Faculty Pick of the Lot: Zinselmeyer’s Ride
Big Tommy Z poses next to his Lambo. BY Z Wine Services PRESS OFFICE
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s many of you already know, tuition has increased for next year. That increase means some extra spending money for the teachers, and this year the money was paid in advance. While the art department decided to pool their bonuses and stock up on quinoa for next year, social studies teacher and B-Team soccer coach Tom Zinselmeyer spent his money a bit more … lavishly. He bought himself a 2010 Lamborghini Muciélago LP SuperVeloce. You Latin scholars out there know that “superveloce” means “high-speed*. When Lamborghini puts a name like that on one of their cars, you know they mean business. For those among you who are wondering how our beloved history teacher managed to afford a $400,000 supercar, I asked him and he explained.
photo | Ethan McIntyre
“Well, I’ve been hemorrhaging Bill Brown’s bonus for years, and Z Wine Services, LLC has really taken off lately.,” said Zinselmeyer. “Since Ms. Maurer left, Dr. K has become my biggest client. He loves his Pinot Grigio!” While the means of acquiring the money are a bit questionable, most faculty members see Zinselmeyer’s purchase as a public service. The faculty lot is just so drab with all of its tans and greys that the Lambo’s “Arancio Atlas” paint really brightens it up. The paint might draw your eye to this car, but once you notice it the raw menace of the thing keeps you staring. It looks like a stealth fighter and its scissor doors look like they could have come right off of a spaceship. This bull has the engine to match the paint and styling. In the back lies an Italian made 6.5 liter V-12 that spits out a fiery 661 horsepower. A 0-60 mph
sprint takes just 2.8 seconds and a top speed of 211 mph qualifies this as seriously fast machine, albeit finding enough space to test those figures is no easy task. So this begs the question; why did he pay for something he can so rarely use? “Ok look, maybe Sean O’Brien outdresses me nine times out of ten, but I can dust his Audi any day of the week,” said Zinselmeyer. “We race all the time. It’s always a bloodbath, but Sean keeps trying.” No, he is not some maniac who races everywhere he goes. In fact, Zinselmeyer says he tries to take it slow. “For the most part I drive it pretty casually,” said Zinselmeyer. “Though I do try to hit at least 120 mph on Oakland everyday on my way home.” When buying a car this expensive, there are certain things that it simply must provide. Speed is obviously taken care of and it attracts plenty of attention, but the more civilised things like comfort and luxury have not been overlooked either. Zinselmeyer has had a wine cooler installed between the driver and passenger seat, and he keeps it stocked with 1978 Dom Perignon. Another equally important aspect of a car like this is individuality, you want the car to comply with your sense of fashion. He has covered this as well by having tortoise shell inlays that match his horn-rimmed
glasses installed in the dashboard and along the inside of the doors. The only problem that Zinselmeyer has been able to find with this car is gas mileage and space. A combined 11 mpg would not exactly qualify as “environmentally friendly,” and only two seats with a laughable trunk leaves room for hauling, well, pretty much just yourself. “I looked around at some bigger cars at that new Benz dealership at Hampton and Oakland, but then I realised something: Mercedes are for peasants. I need a proper car,” said Zinselmeyer, “Plus I don’t buy into that ‘hole in the ozone’ conspiracy theory concocted by that Al Gore character, and gas is cheap these days.” While Zinselmeyer reports nearly complete satisfaction with his Muciélago, he has considered selling and putting his money elsewhere. “With the way tution and the wine market has been moving, I’m thinking either a yacht or a chateau in the French Alps, maybe near a vineyard. Heck, I’ll buy the vineyard too while I’m at it,” he mused. For now, though, he is content to drive one of the most impressive, yet insane, cars that Lamborghini has ever made. * “superveloce” is actually Italian, but what’s the difference?
Student hacks into iPad for Dr. K, IT department furious BY Jon Jay BIKE LANE USER
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ssistant Principal for Student Life Brock Kesterson announced Thursday afternoon that an anonymous source was able to unlock an iPad for inspection, ending a weeks-long feud which raised moral and personal privacy implications of unlocking a personal device. The ordeal began when Kesterson sent out an all-school email asking if anyone was missing an iPad. After three hours with no response, Kesterson took matters into his own hands. He spent two hours trying different passcodes, hoping to get lucky, eventually locking the device for 1,818 minutes and threatening to trigger the iPad’s emergency mode which would delete all of the data saved on the device. After failing to unlock the iPad on his own, Kesterson appealed to an outside source: the SLUH IT department.
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Due to both moral and personal security dangers, the department refused to unlock the collaboration machine. “Students store their lives on these things,” said Director of Technology Jonathan Dickmann. “Madden Mobile stats, texts to a contact named ‘blonde mixer girl #3,’ and a folder marked ‘Poems for Kate from Cor Jesu’ are all examples of very sensitive items stored on the collaborators’ personal devices.” Flustered by the the lack of cooperation from the Technology Department, Kesterson and Principal John Moran teamed up and scoured the Student Handbook for a loophole that would force Dickmann to unlock the device. With no success, the administration went back to the drawing board, and after a week of meetings decided to steal the 1993 Mercedes parked on the turnaround last week. The two
Around the Alleys LaBoube holds Science Dept. party at home in Washington Physics teacher and ramp-fan Eric LaBoube held a science department “get together and together get” at his Washington, Mo. rock quarry last night. LaBoube took department members on a tour of his ranch on his pontoon boat, driven by his dog Light Box. Following the guided tour (many department members said the tour was actually not that guided, given direction only by stories of teaching physics out of a barn.) Later, LaBoube and Light Box held a Ramp Week Classic: Ramp Talk. Kesterson considers new policy on phones: just say no Assistant Principal for Student Life Brock J. Kesterson said this week that he is considering a “just say no” campaign with a new twist: the program applies to students’ addictions to technology and various sports fantasy programs like “football” and “free tetris.” “We know this is a problem and kids gotta say ‘no’ to those things,” Kesterson said.
hoped the act would remind students that people in positions of authority can still steal personal property. “We didn’t want to set a precedent that anyone could use the magical, teamworkpowered devices for any use that wasn’t sanctioned by the administration,” said Moran. After news of the conflict between the administration and IT department made national headlines, the Technology Department released a statement on the Official SLUH Website, which they control completely due to a staff-wide lack of understanding of programming. “Dear Students who carry a tool of mass collaboration, The SLUH IT Department has been asked to violate your privacy by unlocking a personal device. To cave to the pressure of the administration would allow them to access all of your Madden Mobile cards, disrupting the silent harmony of home-
rooms everywhere.” The letter continued to make a case against the moral implications of unlocking the best school invention since the notebook, but everyone stopped reading after the most vital issue—Madden Mobile— was addressed. “When I read that they wanted access to Madden Mobile I flipped. I’ve been using Los Angeles Rams players and I know I’ll be targeted by the Club Formerly Known As The Rams Fan Club if that gets out,” a freshman told us on the condition that he remain anonymous. “I let the administration control my life in a lot of ways,” said sophomore Sal Lockwood. “But if they have access to my Madden Mobile where is the line drawn? Is Kesterson going to trade my good players onto his team unfairly? I know he’s been in a rut lately. It’s a slippery slope.” On Thursday afternoon,
Madden Mobile 2 announcement has underclassmen in a tizzy
BY Gary LOCAL GOLF CART MASTER
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he release of the iOS app “Madden Mobile 2”, the sequel to the ever-popular Madden Mobile, was announced last weekend, much to the happiness of the freshman and sophomore classes. The original game, famous for its ability to detract from the classroom experience and drastically lower GPAs, was touted as the best part of class for many students, who can break it out on their handy-dandy iPads anytime. Although the iPads were originally intended for homework and note-taking, students quickly discovered that those tasks weren’t worth their time, and instead prefer going head-to-head against their fellow classmates with their favorite NFL teams. “There’s nothing quite like getting your team to a higher rank,” said one freshman. “I never knew when I got accepted to SLUH that I’d be introduced to these types of amazing experiences.” The new app includes a ton of new features, some crafted specifically with SLUH students in mind. One such feature is the “Google Drive disguise”; with the tap of a button, the player can hide the game as a Google document. However, this feature is still undergoing testing, as many students claimed to have no idea what a “Google document” was, immediately requesting help when they accidentally pressed it. “I’m not really sure what was going on there,” said a sophomore. “It was a big white screen, with all sorts of weird icons everywhere, waiting for me to ‘type.’ I was confused, and Kesterson and Moran announced that the Collaborator 9000 had been successfully unlocked by an anonymous contracted source. “Turns out it was 1,2,3,4,” said STUCO Tech guru and SSN producer Tom Hillmeyer, who definitely unlocked the device. “But I promised to say I didn’t unlock it, otherwise I won’t be allowed to make Snapchat geofilters anymore.” In the end, the iPad had no sensitive information on it. The Macbook-without-a-keyboard belonged to Fr. Marco M——, SJ, who had thrown the iPhone 6++ out the window when AirPlay stopped working for the
since I was in the middle of class with nothing better to do, I put away my iPad and took a nap.” But not all the new additions were so perplexing, such as an increase to the maximum rank of your team to 1000, which will provide countless hours of procrastination. “This should be enough to get me through til the end of senior year,” said a sophomore. “I’ll never have to pay attention to a class in all four years, which is something I’m pretty thrilled about.” The final and arguably most important feature is the ability to pause in the middle of an online match between two players, which eliminates a huge problem students had with the previous title. “I’d be in the middle of a game, and then all of a sudden the teacher would call on me,” said an indignant sophomore. “That was really annoying. Couldn’t they see I was in the middle of a game? I’m glad I don’t have to worry about that anymore.” The developers also consulted the SLUH administration before putting the app on the market, asking for advice on releasing the game. After the meeting, the game was released on the App Store at an unprecedented monetary model, priced at $16,000. “I think it’s a fair tradeoff,” said a smirking Assistant Principal for Student Life Brock Kesterson. The developers are aiming for a virtual reality edition of their next game, Madden Mobile 3, in the hopes that students will no longer have to even pretend they’re in class. 43rd time that day. The Prep News has been blackmailed into withholding the owner’s name under the administration’s threat to log into select reporters’ Snapchat accounts and change the password, effectively ending countless Snapchat streaks. The IT department is currently clamoring to discover a lock to the apparent back door into their iPads and declined to comment on the issue, though left an ominous message on the website: “No Apple product is safe. Run while you can. We will return.”
playing a technicolor rainbow, officials said on the condition of anonymity to avoid facing charges from SLUH’s Leprechauns. Precisely what the colors will be used for is unknown. However, fire drills will be a lot more exciting now.
Maurer (who is now on the MSHSAA board), husband of Marla Maurer, MSHSAA will be adding competitive bashball to the list of official MSHSAA sports. SLUH will be holding tryouts in August, hoping to win the State Championship. “We are the only ones who actually know the rules, so that’s one advantage,” said head SLUH Cashbah changes car on the turn-around coach Jon Ott, who retired from wrestling earlier this year in orThe SLUH Cashbah committee switched the 1993 Mercedes Benz der to coach the varsity bashball team. that was being auctioned online to a brand new Toyota Yaris. The committee was hoping that no one would notice the change, but Sustainabills indicted in recent tire slashing incidents diligent Prep News reporters noticed the change right away. Eye- In order to reduce SLUH’s carbon footprint on the ozone layer, witnesses claim they saw two men in suits doing donuts on the the Sustainability Club held a tire slashing day in the teacher’s lot. Science Center lot in a mid-90s Mercedes. The crimes were discovered when history teacher Tom Zinselmeyer’s fuel-efficient Lamborghini was discovered with two slashed SLUH decides to add extended Spring Break to 2017 schedule front wheels. In order to find information on the situation, AssisSLUH Administration decided to add an extended Spring Break tant Principal for Student Life Brock Kesterson sent an all-school to the 2016-2017 schedule. The new Spring Break will stretch from email. After 200 eyewitnesses came forward, Kesterson punished the end of May to mid-August, offering students the chance to for- the involved students by forcing them to watch a How It’s Made on get everything they learned throughout the year. paper production and oil fracking.
New turf changes colors, insiders say MSHSAA to add bashball for Fall ’16 season —Written by James A. Boeheim, Peter M. Kozma, Diane Rehm, Tony, Robert The newly-installed turf field changes colors and is capable of dis- With heavy pressure from former SLUH basketball coach Don H. Lowe, Charles W. Barkley and the ghost of Stonewall Jackson.