7 minute read
The scourge of loneliness
John Kyle examines the problem of loneliness that pervades our society and asks how we as churches and individuals can help.
Most people agree that having peace and quiet is good for a while, but not if it goes on for too long. Too much peace and quiet can damage your health. That is bad news for over three million people in the UK who reported, in a 2021 health and well-being survey, feeling lonely often or always.
Loneliness has become a silent epidemic. To quote economist Noreena Hertz, “Even before Covid struck, loneliness had become one of the defining emotions of the 21st century”. Whereas social isolation is caused by a lack of social connections, an increasing problem in our very individualistic society, loneliness is more than social isolation – it is an unwelcome or distressing feeling of lack or loss of companionship.
It is also a universal human experience – to be human is to feel lonely at times. But in recent decades it has become more pervasive and persistent, and has been made worse by the Covid pandemic, which profoundly disrupted normal human relations and from which our society has not yet recovered.
The statistics are very sobering indeed. The extent of loneliness has increased by more than 50% over the past ten years. Age UK reported in February 2023 that half a million older people in Britain go at least five or six days a week without seeing or speaking to anyone. Forty per cent of older people say their TV is their main company. Even more concerning are the levels of loneliness among young people. A 2018 BBC survey of 16–24-year-olds found that 40% said they often or very often feel lonely.
The health consequences are becoming increasingly clear. Loneliness is as bad for your health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day and is worse than obesity. In fact, it can actually cause obesity and the associated problems of type 2 diabetes and loss of mobility. Lonely people are less active and at higher risk of cardiovascular disease such as heart attacks, high blood pressure and strokes. The immune system becomes weaker and so places them at higher risk of infection; not surprisingly, lonely people are at risk of an early death.
Equally, the mental health consequences prove that loneliness is not a benign condition. Loneliness can cause depression, and among the elderly it speeds up the decline in our ability to think, and doubles the risk of Alzheimer’s disease.
Lonely people experience greater anxiety, pessimism and low self-esteem. They often feel unsafe, vulnerable and unloved. A vicious cycle can develop in which they misinterpret others, feel they are being judged and criticised and consequently withdraw from social contact.
The world’s longest running study into human flourishing, the Harvard study of adult development, begun in 1938, was designed to discover what leads to happy, healthy lives. It has come to one overriding conclusion: relationships keep us happier and healthier throughout our lives. One or two close supportive relationship are essential for humans to flourish.
None of this should come as a surprise, for, after all, Scripture makes it clear that we were created as social creatures to love and be loved and to belong. Creation was a corporate act by a triune God, making man and woman to be in relationship with him and each other, and to have dominion over creation as a joint enterprise. God even stated explicitly in Genesis 2 that “it is not good for man to be alone”.
In his work on the cross, and in his death and resurrection, Jesus directly addressed the alienation and isolation caused by sin. God has reached out to each of us to befriend us in the most profound way, addressing our profound loneliness. We have been reconciled to God through the miracle of his new creation.
Having been reconciled to God, we now belong to God’s family, a community. This new community, the church, has been entrusted with a message of reconciliation and friendship, and has been commissioned and empowered to love.
That message has never been more relevant than it is today in a world that is anxious, fractured and with increasing numbers living alone or friendless. Imperfect as our churches may be, they are uniquely equipped to meet this challenge by helping those within the church or the local community to feel recognised and valued. Simple gestures such as saying hello, expressing thanks, taking time to listen, phone calls, text messages, handwritten letters, offers to pray, invitations for meals, offers of practical support – all foster a culture of welcome and friendship both in the church and in the neighbouring community.
Most churches are experts in group work: home groups, service groups, youth groups, mums and toddlers’ groups, walking groups, armchair aerobics, pensioner lunches – the list is endless, and being invited to be part of a group is particularly valuable in overcoming loneliness.
Churches can also encourage and support members to volunteer in local charities, community groups, food banks, after-school clubs or breakfast clubs and the many other third sector organisations that exist locally, helping create a culture of friendship. Although the need may seem overwhelming, small acts of kindness can – and do – make a huge difference in lonely people’s lives.
However, the crisis of loneliness, while offering opportunities to the church, also presents two significant challenges. Men today are not doing well and are becoming more isolated. One in three men do not have a single close friend. Among young men, rates of suicide, problem gambling, addiction to alcohol, drugs and pornography are unacceptably high and increasing. Much that enabled men to belong to a group of friends or mates has been eroded. The nature of work has changed and many clubs have disappeared. As a Church, we need to look again quite urgently at male bonding and brotherly friendship.
Gen Zs (those aged 16–25) also face unprecedented difficulties in socialising and have the highest levels of loneliness. Their world is radically different to that of earlier generations. Face-to-face time between fathers and their Gen Z sons today averages 30 minutes a week. However, those sons typically spend 44 hours a week online in a digital world. On a Saturday night, teens typically sit in their room with a headset, playing video games rather than going to the movies together. For most young people, interaction and connection occurs via social media, using pictures and videos. Even together in a room with their friends they often communicate on their phones rather than by talking with each other. Consequently, social gatherings can be places with high levels of social anxiety. The mental health struggles of Gen Zs are well documented.
And yet, for many of these young people, what they yearn for is to experience community, and not just with peers but across the generations. Perhaps surprisingly, today’s young adults want friendships with generations beyond them. Ruth Perrin, a Christian lecturer at Durham University, is convinced that: “This is a generation for whom kindness, honest relationships, modelling of how to live a life of faith and how to keep it going are the things they value most.”
Teaching people of all ages how to make friends is surely one of today’s greatest priorities in Christian discipleship, and too often seriously neglected.
Today, new opportunities abound to show the love of Christ through small acts of kindness that help to “set the lonely in families”, as Psalm 68 puts it. Reaching out in friendship and showing compassion changes lives and communities. Despite our limited resources, God can and wants to use us as ordinary Christians to set free those who are held captive by the dreadful scourge loneliness.
John Kyle worked as a GP in inner East Belfast and was also a councillor on Belfast City Council from 2007–2023. He is married to Helen and has five adult children.
