Community Matters The Glen at Aberdeen Heights
February 2016
How to heal a rift with your adult child By Erica Manfred for Next Avenue
For a full year in my 20s, I did not speak to my mother. She was controlling, overbearing and hypercritical, and she had a nasty habit of shooting zingers at me and then insisting she didn’t mean anything by them. At 19, I moved to New York City from our New Jersey suburb to escape her, but every time she called or visited, we’d slip into the same old battles. One day I’d finally had enough and stopped calling or returning her calls. I was her only child, and the rift devastated her. She phoned regularly and tried to see me, but I was adamant about needing my own space without her in it. My father, whom she dominated as well, made it his business to stay away from me. I’m softhearted by nature, so I eventually relented, and my mom and I reverted to our usual tense relationship — but with one difference. I let her know that some of her behavior, such as constantly criticizing my weight, wasn’t acceptable and that if she didn’t stop it, I’d disconnect again. She knew I meant it and actually managed to change some of her more egregious behaviors.
Finding the beauty in life Robert Warner enjoys second career as artist By Vinnie Warner, Robert’s wife of 57 years
Robert Warner is a self-taught artist. Following a successful sales career, he retired to do what he always wanted to do…art! His artistic endeavors led to a second career. Robert’s avocation became his vocation. Love of nature and the outdoors have always been Robert’s passion. He observes the birds and animals which frequent the landscape. And, he admires the beauty of fine-grain natural wood. Hence, he chose to construct three-dimensional wood art reflecting those interests. Robert calls his decorative art, “Sculptural Assemblages and Constructions.” Most are representative scenes from nature. He especially enjoys creating birds; it is amazing how he can convey the look of feathers utilizing the natural grain of the wood.
RIFT, continued on page 2
A proud member of Presbyterian Manors of Mid-America
ARTIST, continued on page 3
RIFT, continued from page 1
After my father died following a long illness, my relationship with my mother improved immensely. She’d had to take care of him and had always been very unhappy in her marriage. With him gone, I believe, she was able to lighten up for the last 15 years of her life, during which time we became very close and actually had a lot of fun together, creating memories for which I am profoundly grateful. Unfortunately, many broken parent/ child relationships don’t have such a happy ending. I have many friends who are still bitter about the way their parents treated them, even years after their deaths. Many adult children can’t forgive or get past
Community Matters is published monthly for residents and friends of Aberdeen Heights by Presbyterian Manors of Mid-America Inc., a not-for-profit 501(c)(3) organization. Learn more at: PresbyterianManors.org. James “Jamie” Kneen, executive director To submit or suggest articles for this publication, contact Loretta Cutler, health care lifestyle coordinator, lcutler@pmma.org. Telephone: 314-909-6010 Address: 505 Couch Ave., Kirkwood, MO 63122 Our mission: We provide quality senior services guided by Christian values.
2
Community Matters February 2016
the issues; sometimes parents aren’t willing or able to change their behavior; and sometimes the child’s behavior is so negative or dangerous (such as with substance abuse) that the parent must cut him or her off. In most cases, however, it is the parent who will have to make the first move to reach out and try to mend the rift, especially if the child is too angry or hurt to do it — or if they haven’t fully grasped that they don’t have forever to make things right. There is no sadder fate than a parent dying without a chance to say that final “I love you.”
in interviews with older Americans were those living in this situation,” says Karl Pillemer who interviewed more than 1,000 elders for the Legacy Project at Cornell University and distilled them into 30 Lessons for Living; Tried and True Advice from the Wisest Americans. Why parent-child rifts happen
Rifts are often rooted in issues that go back to childhood. Issues never dealt with at an early age, such as a child feeling that a parent played favorites or a conflicted divorce, can cause pain and anger that festers. Then some “triggering incident” There’s an adage that you can only occurs later in life, often leading to be as happy as your unhappiest child. an argument, and then the child cuts Estrangement from a child causes the parent off. The fight can be as heartache, regret and shame, not to minor as an argument over where to mention the belief that you’ve failed celebrate Thanksgiving or as weighty at one of life’s most important tasks. as a parent’s disapproval of a child’s “Among the saddest people I met RIFT, continued on page 3
RIFT, continued from page 2
spouse and constant comments and behaviors that reflect that.
How to move past blame
It’s common for children of divorce to believe one parent Janet Pfeiffer is a life coach, the was responsible for it and to ally author of The Secret Side of Anger themselves with the parent they and founder of Reunion of Hearts, perceive as wronged. Since there’s a group for family members dealing animosity between the parents in with such separations. But for a the first place, they pull away from while, she was also an estranged one to protect the other. In the case parent, rejected by her children of a divorce when the children are after leaving their father, although in grown, the triggering incident is her case the feud occurred long after often an affair. It takes a major act of the divorce. will for the betrayed parent not to try to incite the children against the “I was a single mom, and the stress cheating spouse. of raising children on my own was more than I was prepared for,” she There was no affair in Pfeiffer’s says. “I wasn’t always a good parent, case; her trigger occurred when her although I really did try my best. 19-year-old daughter had a baby Unfortunately, all my children and moved back home and expected remember is an out-of-control, Grandma to take care of the child. screaming mother.” When Pfeiffer refused — arguing that her daughter needed to take Her children’s father wasn’t present responsibility for her own life — much when they were young, and the younger woman moved out and they naturally longed for a closer stopped speaking to her. With their relationship with him. “He became father’s encouragement, the other vindictive when they got older and two daughters followed suit, in a played on my being an emotionally show of support for their sister. abusive mom,” says Pfeiffer. “That fed their anger toward me. They Pfeiffer made the mistake many viewed him as the innocent party, rejected parents do: trying to justify and since they were angry with me herself. It didn’t work. “I did the anyway, they ‘picked’ him.” best I could” is how most people put
ARTIST, continued from page 1
Both hand tools and power tools are used in constructing the individual wood pieces which when assembled form the whole scene, similar to creating a puzzle. There is great attention to detail, and the beauty of the chosen wood is highlighted by its placement within the sculpture. Depending on the intricacies of the design, a completed sculpture may involve 50+ hours of work. Each constructed sculpture is oneof-a-kind; Robert never duplicates
it. Regardless of whether or not this is true, it’s not enough to say this to children. They often don’t get it — or don’t care — unless they hear a sincere apology first. Eventually Pfeiffer accepted that she needed to work on herself before she could approach her children. “I’m a spiritual person, and deep down believed that God had a higher purpose here. My children simply didn’t want to hear ‘How could you do this to me? and ‘Your father isn’t who you think he is.’ “ After much introspection, Pfeiffer realized that what her daughters needed was an apology. “I wrote a letter telling them how sorry I was for hurting them and acknowledging that they deserved a better mother,” she says. “I wanted them to understand I knew it was my fault. This was hard for me to admit, but I managed to do it. But changing your relationship with your child is not all about the past — it’s also about the present.You need to find out what your child needs from you right now to make the relationship right. That could be anything from not being critical of RIFT, continued on page 4
a design. The finished product is a treasured decorative work of art. Robert’s unique art has been exhibited at Aberdeen Heights’ “Art is Ageless” show. In 2013 three of his large sculptures were on display, and Robert was honored with the “People’s Choice” Award. Robert Warner’s creativity, motivated by the love of art, nature and fine woods, has enhanced his lifestyle. He has had a rewarding, memorable and deeply satisfying career as an artist. The Glen at Aberdeen Heights
3
RIFT, continued from page 3
her career to embracing her choice of a spouse to relating better to the grandchildren. Pfeiffer’s youngest was the first to call and say she wanted her back in her life, and gradually the others followed suit. Taking responsibility for your part
they reconnected and eventually became close. The hardest two words: ‘I’m sorry’ The power of a sincere apology cannot be overestimated.You can’t just offer a blanket “I’m sorry,” though, and expect dramatic results. It’s essential to find out what’s at the root of the rift, acknowledge your part in it and make real efforts to mend it. Express remorse, not just guilt.
As it was for my mother, it can be very hard for parents to comprehend what they did to push their children To convince your child you won’t away. Not everyone has an ability for commit the same offense again you have to give up being “right,” which that level of self-reflection. can be the hardest task of all. And In one Reunion of Hearts group, not just that — you have to do a lot Pfeiffer met a couple in their 60s of work on yourself so that you are who were cut off by one of their able to avoid committing the same daughters, in her 40s. The dad didn’t offense and learn how to shape a understand why and said things like, new dynamic. Often your adult “I worked three jobs so they could child also has to do a fair amount have the best of everything.” To help of work as well to heal and change broaden his perspective, Pfeiffer their reactions too. If you’re both asked him pointed questions: “Were willing, counseling can help you see you there for their school plays? each other’s point of view. Did you help them with their Bear in mind that your apology homework? Did you take care of may not heal all wounds. If your them when they were sick?” child refuses to forgive or simply It took a while for him to get that won’t communicate after repeated his daughter felt he was avoiding her attempts on your part, you may have when she was a child. But once he to pull back. As Pfeiffer advises, apologized and told her he regretted “You can’t force something that isn’t missing so much of her childhood, meant to be. At some point you
need to come to peace with the fact that you did everything you could yet still couldn’t mend the rift.” No matter what, parent/child bonds are for life.You are the only mother or father they will ever have, and eventually something may happen that impels them to come back to you. Reconciliations often occur after the birth of a grandchild. Once your child has a child herself, she may start to understand what you went through raising her and find it in her heart to forgive you. The desire for one’s child to have a relationship with her grandparents is powerful, and is often the glue that patches broken family bonds back together. Copyright© 2014 Next Avenue, a division of Twin Cities Public Television, Inc.
Time to celebrate volunteerism! How have you answered the call to be a volunteer? How have volunteers helped you in a time of need? Why do you think volunteers are so important? How have you benefited from being a volunteer? If you’ve got a story to share about volunteering, contact Health Care Lifestyle Coordinator Loretta Cutler, and your story could be featured in an upcoming edition of Community Matters.
4
Community Matters February 2016
Sign up to receive our newsletter by email. Message smay2@pmma.org and ask to have the newsletter delivered to your inbox. It’s that easy!