Commun ty Matters Fulton Presbyterian Manor
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February 2018
Art is Ageless exhibit and reception features senior artists ®
Since the beginning of time, creative expression has brought joy to both its creators and those who experience their art.
The Art is Ageless program offers senior artists the opportunity to share and display their artwork and reaffirms the agelessness of human creativity. ®
We will celebrate our roots in an upcoming issue of Community Matters. If you have a connection to the beginnings of or a milestone for your campus, or if you just want to tell the world what you love about living in your senior living community, we want to share the story. Contact Keri Edwards and your story could be featured in an upcoming edition of Community Matters.
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This month, their works are on display at Fulton Presbyterian Manor.
“It’s inspiring to see the beautiful pieces these seniors have created,” said Keri Edwards, marketing director at Fulton Presbyterian Manor. “The joy it brings to them and others is wonderful, and that’s something we want to celebrate and share with the entire Fulton community.”
The Art is Ageless exhibit will feature works from local artists who are 65 and older, including a few Fulton Presbyterian Manor residents. The public is welcome to visit the community to view the exhibit of acrylics, oils, photography and various other mediums, ranging from amateur to professional levels. The exhibit is open from 9 a.m. to 7 p.m. Feb. 21-23. ®
In addition to the exhibit, Fulton Presbyterian Manor will honor local senior artists during a reception at the community at 2 p.m. on Friday, Feb. 23.
What to say to someone who’s dying By Jill Smolowe for Next Avenue
My friend’s distress was acute. For weeks she’d been running herself ragged, attending to her ailing octogenarian father.
Daily visits to the hospital had given way to frantic efforts to turn his apartment into a home hospice. Now, with a hospital bed and 24/7 nursing care in place, the countdown had begun. There was no “if ” about his imminent demise. The only question was: How much longer does he have? Well, that, and this: How best to use the time that remained?
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Community Matters is published monthly for residents and friends of Fulton Presbyterian Manor by Presbyterian Manors of 501(c)(3) organization. Learn more at PresbyterianManors.org.
Dawn Smith, executive director Keri Edwards, marketing director To submit or suggest articles for this publication, contact kedwards 2@pmma.org. Telephone: 573-642-6646 Fax: 573-642-2202 Address: 811 Center St., Fulton, MO 65251-1922
Our mission: We provide quality senior services guided by Christian values. FultonPresbyterianManor.org
2 COMMUNITY MATTERS FEBRUARY 2018
Now that the practical matters had been addressed, my friend told me that she wanted to “deepen” their conversation. To encourage more meaningful dialogue, she wondered if she should air some old grievances with her dad. Perhaps that would afford her father the opportunity to explain why he had been absent from so many parts of her life. Perhaps if he got those things out in the open, they would both rest easier.
Airing grievances My friend’s desire to air old injuries from a father-daughter narrative that had unspooled, unaddressed, for decades was understandable. And entirely human. According to author Kate Roiphe, “Nearly everyone has a fantasy of a ‘last conversation’ with someone they love,” she wrote recently in The NewYork Times. “It is the fantasy of resolving all conflicts, of emotional catharsis, that rarely ever comes to pass.”
My own experience with the demise and death of loved ones has left me inclined to favor a different direction.
Over the course of the two-and-a-half years that my late husband, Joe, was battling leukemia, I discovered what most sustained me was the keen feeling of appreciation that flowed between us. I felt a constant appreciation for Joe’s tenacity, optimism and determination. He, in turn, never lost sight of my efforts to be by his side daily, even as I juggled a job, our daughter, phone calls and e-mails and the hospital bills that dwarfed the stack of household bills.
Near the end, he recounted a conversation he’d had with a cousin who had visited him in the hospital. As he told her about our marriage, she said she hadn’t realized we’d been married so
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Make sure your last conversation is one you won’t regret
“Nearly everyone has a fantasy of a ‘last conversation’ with someone they love, the fantasy of resolving all conflicts, of emotional catharsis.”
long, and expressed surprise at the length and quality of our union. Joe told her, “We’ve made it 24 years because of Jill. She gets all the credit.”
His cousin responded, “Have you told her that?”
Giving credit The following day he shared their conversation with me. It meant so much in the moment. After he was gone, it meant oh, so much more.
My last conversation with Joe was on a June morning in 2009. While he ate breakfast, I stood updating him about two friends who were dealing with cancer fallout. A week earlier, Joe had been hospitalized and in frightening shape. Now, energetic and seemingly on the mend, he appeared sufficiently strong to hear about about an email I’d received from one of those friends.
“The opening sentence was, ‘My cancer is back.’” I cocked my head quizzically. “In all the time you’ve been dealing with cancer I’ve never once heard you refer to leukemia that way. Do you ever think of it as ‘my cancer?’” “No,” Joe said.
“Me neither.” I grinned. “I’m so proud of you that you’ve never let cancer define who you are.” Joe’s head gave a modest wag. I laughed,
WHAT TO SAY continued on page 3
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touched his hand and went off to blow dry my hair. A few minutes later, I heard a muffled noise. His chair had tipped backward. He was gone. Healing words Later, I would think how fortunate I was that my last words to this man I loved so much had been words of praise. Words that conveyed appreciation. Words that left no room for regret.
In coming months as my mother and sister simultaneously went into decline, the healing power of expressions of appreciation was very much on my mind. With my sister, I made a single attempt to discuss a period in our relationship that I’d never understood, one where I felt she’d deliberately distanced herself from me. “It’s all in your head,” she said. I chose to let it go.
differences to some point of mutual agreement. I didn’t even try. Instead, for her, I fashioned a letter that gave expression to the many reasons I liked, as well as loved, her. She, in turn, offered words near the end that cut to the core of her strongest beliefs. “I must have done something very right,” she said, “to have you as my daughter in this incarnation.”
As my friend pondered what to say to her father, I encouraged her to consider whether rehashing grievances was likely to leave her feeling any better. Instead I suggested, she might
find satisfaction and eventual solace in telling her dad what she appreciated about him.
She thought it over and later would tell me, “That felt much more comfortable and kinder.”
My friend not only took my words to heart, she made the exercise into something remarkable. Plumbing the deep influence her father had on her life, she offered him words of love and gratitude. When he closed his eyes for the final time, he knew precisely what he’d meant to her — and so, finally, did she. © Twin Cities Public Television - 2018. All rights reserved.
Instead, I turned my attention to creating a photo book for her. Though the words were few and my target audience was one, I knew this was the most important book I would ever write. I arranged the photos and lighthearted captions to segue from the many shared groupings in our lives – two parents, two brothers, a deep stash of nieces and nephews – to my message: Ann was singular in my life. My only sister. Unique. Irreplaceable.
I sat by her side as she unwrapped and read My One and Only for the first time. We laughed. We cried. Together, we read the final pages: “You are … my one and only … I will love you forever.” Turning to me, Ann said, with a catch in her voice, “This is the most loving gift I’ve ever gotten.” I still mist up when I think of her words. Ann understood how much I loved her.
Cut to the core Same with my mother. Ours had been a rocky relationship. I harbored no illusion we could talk through our LIKE US ON FACEBOOK
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Earn your wings ANGEL APPEAL DONORS
Mrs. Sue Anderson in memory of Gladys & A.H. Zuroweste Auxvasse Presbyterian Church Ms. Virginia Beasley in memory of Carol Woolridge Mr. and Mrs. Gene Bramon Mr. and Mrs. Jerry Brauer in memory of Josephine Brauer Mr. and Mrs. Frank W. Glenn in memory of Georgia Boggs Ms. Maxine Glenn Mr. and Mrs. Philip Glenn Mrs. Mildred E. Greenburg in memory of James A. Greenburg Ms. Lori Harris-Franklin in memory of Wildah Lee Ms. Donna Huey Mr. and Mrs. Richard L. Lael Ms. Margaret A. LaRochelle
Here is a listing of individuals who gave generously to support seniors at our campus who have outlived their financial resources through no fault of their own during our annual Angel Appeal. Gifts are often made in memory or honor of a loved one who has lived at our campus. We appreciate your generosity. 4 COMMUNITY MATTERS FEBRUARY 2018
Mr. and Mrs. Mike McDaniel Mr. Wallace and Mrs. Dorothy Peck Mr. Roger L. Tate in memory of Thompson and Lottie Ruth Tate
If you would like to make a gift in support of our seniors, you can make a gift online at http://www.presbyterianmanors.org/give_now or by leaving a gift with the staff at the front desk.