Commun ty Matters Manor of the Plains
November 2018
How to have difficult talks with your aging parents By Catherine Hodder, Next Avenue An important part of caring for your aging parents is understanding their situation and knowing what they want. If you don’t know, then it is up to you to figure it out. Having open and frank discussions with your parents help avoid the stress and uncertainty about the future. It is a good idea to talk to parents about their wishes now instead of when they become much older or infirm. These talks will help them plan for future life events, resolve any conflicts within the family, and take the decision making burden off of you. There are five essential conversations to have with your parents: The financial talk – Find out about their financial situation. Do they have enough to live on and enough for the future? Do they have a durable power of attorney naming someone to handle their financial decisions if they are unable to? Do they have a will? PARENTS continued on page 3
Jacque Soltero and Chris Kephart enjoy a Mystery Trip to Beaver, Okla., the cow chip throwing capital of the world.
Jacque Soltero makes it happen When thinking about who the community is thankful for this year, Jacque Soltero is at the top of the list. The inventor of the Mystery Bus tours, Jacque always thinks positive and comes out of all situations having a great time. And she always has great stories to tell. She worked for months to put together a Hollywoodthemed event for Older Americans Month in May. Jacque went as far as borrowing beautiful gowns and had volunteers help dress everyone like SOLTERO, continued on page 2
SOLTERO, continued from page 1
movie stars for the event. She even had an actual red carpet running down the hallways to the banquet and everyone in attendance went home with a trophy.
summer. To fix the situation, Jacque stopped at a truck stop and was able to get all the residents into the building while everyone worked together to get them home.
“Thankful” has to be spelled Recently, she took residents and area “Jacque,” because it doesn’t matter seniors to the Senior Olympics, held what she is asked to do, it is always mission accomplished. in Cimarron. Jacque is a true team player.You can see her many evenings working the CMA position in health care passing out medications and she will even provide one-on-one care. One of her most memorable road trips was when she took a bus of residents to Abilene to the Eisenhower Museum, and on her way back, the bus overheated, leaving everyone stranded in Salina on one of the hottest days of the
Community Matters is published monthly for residents and friends of Manor of the Plains by Presbyterian Manors of Mid-America, Inc., a not-for-profit 501(c)(3) organization. Learn more at PresbyterianManors.org. Kurt Lampe, marketing director Lisa Montoya, activity director Jacque Soltero, health care activity director To submit or suggest articles for this publication, contact Kurt at klampe@pmma.org. Telephone: 620-225-1928 Fax: 620-225-3982 Address: 200 Campus Dr., Dodge City, KS 67801-2760
Our mission: We provide quality senior services guided by Christian values. ManorOfThePlains.org
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Community Matters October 2018
Jacque goes for the win in the wacky trike races during Dodge City Days.
Jacque is truly a reason to celebrate Thanksgiving. She is a tremendous asset to Manor of the Plains, and just keeps on giving. Others are thankful for Jacque’s contributions to the community, too: “Jacque is a vital member of our team as she knows the residents very well and provides valuable information in caring for their needs,” said Kurt Lampe, marketing director. “She involves volunteers and community groups to come in and help entertain the residents. She works extra as a CMA, CNA, and is one of our bus drivers as well. She is a valuable member of our care plan team, risk and safety/EPP committee as well. A past recipient of the Kansas Activity Director Association Activity Director of the Year Award, the Mystery Bus Tour she initiated was voted Activity of the Year in 2014 and is still the most popular activity the resident’s look forward to. She looks for new activities and themes to use for special events and there is always something going on to keep the residents busy.” Joy Wiggins, social services director, said, “It is amazing how Jacque can find new ways to make activities exciting and fun for our residents.”
Jacque hits the red carpet at the spring’s Hollywood-themed event celebrating Older American’s Month.
Jacque conquers Coronado Heights during a Mystery Trip.
Resident Jane Tyler said, “Jacque makes life more pleasant, and plans amazing trips and fun events that are always very enjoyable, such as the Hollywood- The solar eclipse gives themed Jacque a good reason to wear shades. banquet.” Like us on Facebook
PARENTS, continued from page 1
The health care talk – What medical issues do they have? What medications do they take? Do they have a health care power of attorney appointing someone to make medical decisions if they are incapacitated? The aging talk – What happens if they need significant care? Do they plan to age-in-place at home? What senior living options should they consider?
care concerns and when to talk Keep notes about finances. Depending on your Since this is an ongoing process, parents’ personalities, one may be an when your parent expresses what easier conversation than the other. they would like to do in the future, be ready to record their thoughts. Be transparent with other Recording thoughts and wishes family members The family legacy talk – What do makes it easier to follow up in While it is tempting to manage all they want you to remember about future conversations. Based on what information about your parents them? What are the family stories, they say, you can figure out what treasured recipes, and heirlooms to and keep it to yourself, you may needs to be done and what steps be perceived by other siblings pass to future generations? to take. It is also helpful to have as too secretive, controlling, or notes when updating siblings and Before you start these talks, keep influential. Try to include siblings in family members.Your notes can in mind the following to make conversations or at least give them also prompt future discussions. For the conversations easier and more updates on what is transpiring so example, you could say, “Mom, we productive. there are no unpleasant surprises. talked about who gets your jewelry Be patient and china, but you haven’t told Most siblings will be happy for you to handle things as long as you keep us what you want to do with the Talking with your parents about house.” them in the loop. Difficult siblings their future will not be a one who have contrary opinions can be time conversation but an ongoing Keep in mind, however, that any process.You must be patient and extremely challenging. But if you notes or recordings regarding willing to wait until your parents give them consistent updates, you beneficiaries or giving away assets feel comfortable. They will need can take some of the drama away are not enforceable unless they are to be “ready” to talk with you or to from them. made part of their wills. make certain decisions about their They can’t accuse you of hiding Don’t pressure future. The hardest part will be for something or going behind their them to admit they need help and Talking to your parents gently and back on some matter. Of course, that you will be taking on more without reproach will have better responsibility for them. Understand if you have exceptionally difficult results than being confrontational. family members, realize that you they still see you as their child who can’t please everyone all of the time, This is not a time to make things they should be helping, not the fair among siblings or to right past and focus on what is in the best other way around. Try to feel out interests of your parents. PARENTS continued on page 4 the right times to talk about health The end of life talk – What are their wishes when they have a terminal or end-stage illness? Do they have advance medical directives or a living will?
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PARENTS continued from page 3
transgressions (real or perceived) within the family. The goal is to have your parents set out plans for their financial and medical future.You may not agree with how they may handle distributions, but their plan is better than no plan at all. Empathize
Recognize that your aging parents may not want to focus on death. Discuss their thoughts and plans for the future without mentioning “death” or “dying.” Use terms like “passing” or “no longer with us.”
taking responsibility sooner. Let your parents vent their frustrations and then help them work towards some resolutions.
Listen
Making decisions to cover future life events is hard. Not only is an attorney skilled in making sure all the documents are correct and enforceable, but also a qualified estate attorney can raise questions you never contemplated. Everyone’s family and circumstances are unique. Boilerplate or online forms cannot account for the particular needs of your family.
Sometimes the most important Put yourself in your parents’ shoes. thing you can do to help someone How would that make you feel? is to just listen without judgment. Would you be scared of the future? A parent may need to express anger How would you feel if you were and anxiety over these preparations. losing control of your body and your There may be some bitterness at mind? Would you want to talk about discovering their life did not turn death? What if you could no longer out the way they wanted it. They work or enjoy social events and may make accusations or blame activities you once did? themselves or their spouse for not
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Community Matters November 2018
Consult an attorney
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