Commun ty Matters Topeka Presbyterian Manor
September 2018
What not to say to someone having a health crisis By Kerri Fivecoat-Campbell Next Avenue
I recently underwent a months-long health challenge and lost 65 pounds in a year. When I was still struggling with the health challenge and the weight loss, I saw a friend I hadn’t seen in months. “My God!” he exclaimed, wideeyed. “You look like you’re wasting away!” When women lose weight, most consider it a good thing. The man’s statement, along with his apparent shock, made me feel worse. Though far from emaciated, it made me feel as though I was wasting away. We’ve all said things to people who are going through a health crisis that could be considered rude or insensitive. I’m pretty confident I have, but what makes us do it? “I think people are just scared and nervous and don’t know how to respond,” said Mindy Beth Lipson, a psychologist in Phoenix. “There might be several reasons, the first being it brings up their own mortality. Some people also just lack HEALTH, continued on page 3
“The Barn,” a painting by Susan Mayer.
Topeka artists among Art is Ageless® masterpiece level winners Two winning artists in Topeka Presbyterian Manor’s annual Art is Ageless® juried competition will be featured in the 2019 Art is Ageless® Calendar produced by Presbyterian Manors of Mid-America. “Summer Fun,” a painting by Jack Taylor and “Fan,” a mixed media piece by Frances Wood, will appear in the calendar when it is released this fall. In addition, “The Barn,” a painting by Susan Mayer will be featured on one of the Art is Ageless greeting cards. Works by local winners are automatically entered into a masterpiece level competition with winning art from 16 other PMMA communities. More ART, continued on page 2
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than 180 entries were received for this year’s masterpiece competition. The winners are featured in the Art is Ageless calendar and greeting cards. “This is always a great event. Every year we are blown away by the talent in the surrounding Topeka community and we are excited to be an avenue for amateurs and professionals alike!” said Chelsea Watgen, marketing director, Topeka Presbyterian Manor. Art is Ageless, open exclusively to people age 65 and older, is a copyrighted program of Presbyterian Manors of Mid-
Community Matters
is published monthly for residents and friends of Wichita Presbyterian Manor by Presbyterian Manors of Mid-America Inc., a not-for-profit 501(c)(3) organization. Learn more at PresbyterianManors.org.
America. For the competition, works must have been completed in the past five years. Presbyterian Manors of MidAmerica’s Art is Ageless program encourages Topeka Presbyterian Manor residents and other area seniors to express their creativity “Fan,” a mixed media piece by Frances Wood. through its annual and friends of Presbyterian Manors competition, as well of Mid-America’s Art is Ageless as art classes, musical and dramatic program are proving that art, in any events, educational opportunities form, is an ageless ambition. and current events discussions throughout the year. Started in 1980, Art is Ageless is an extension of Presbyterian Manors of Mid-America’s wellness programs, which focus on mental, physical, social and spiritual health. Residents
Heather Pilkinton, executive director Chelsea Watgen, marketing director To submit or suggest articles for this publication, contact Chelsea Watgen, marketing director, cwatgen@pmma.org. Telephone: 785-272-6510 Fax: 785-272-0496 Address: 4712 S.W. Sixth Ave., Topeka, KS 66606-2284 Our mission: We provide quality senior services guided by Christian values. TopekaPresbyterianManor.org
“Summer Fun,” a painting by Jack Taylor.
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Community Matters September 2018
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Walk with Aegis activities begin soon Aegis Therapies® hosts a yearly celebration in conjunction with the International Council on Active Aging’s Active Aging Week. This year, festivities will take place the week of September 23 to 29. This six-day event will include activities that support the dimensions of wellness, including physical, intellectual, emotional, spiritual, occupational, environmental and social health. The Aegis Therapy department will team up with the activities department to provide wellness activities each day. Stay tuned for more details.
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empathy.” Whatever the reasons, Lipson said, there are better ways to communicate with a loved one who is going through a health crisis. Here are five types of comments people in a health crisis have heard, and what to say instead: 1. Bringing up God or faith: When Michelle Pierce’s daughter, Ali, was diagnosed with stomach cancer and liver disease at 15, Pierce was shocked by a local pastor’s statement. “He told me we were going through this because of my lack of faith,” said the 42-year-old Mountain Home, Ark. resident. “Blaming is hurtful,” said Lipson. “You really have to be careful about bringing up religion. Whether you should do so depends on your Like us on Facebook
From left: Angel Paramore, speech/language pathologist, Amanda Ames, occupational therapist, Daryn Moore, certified occupational therapy assistant/therapy coordinator, Jessi Clutter, physical therapist, Angie Kolich, physical therapy assistant. Not pictured: Kyeisha Williams, physical therapy assistant, and Trisha Bahr, director of rehabilitation.
personal relationship with them [the people in a health crisis].” What to say instead: Lipson suggested asking the person, “How do you feel about what happened to you?” or “What do you think is going on?” She also said do not say, “Everything happens for a reason” or “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle.” 2. Asking a person his or her prognosis or telling stories of people who have had the same condition who didn’t have a positive outcome: “I think it’s human nature to do that, to tell stories,” said Sal Raichbach, a psychologist in Jupiter, Fla. “Every person deals with adversity and pain, but try to avoid comparisons.” What to say instead: Lipson said the most important thing to do is
to make the person feel he or she hasn’t lost any power. “Empower the person to believe in positive strength,” said Lipson. She added it’s OK to ask, “How’s it going?” or “How are you feeling?” And if you know of specialists and the person hasn’t begun treatment, you can offer a referral to a specialist. 3. Making negative statements about appearance: In addition to not saying “you look like you’re wasting away,” avoid uttering that the person looks tired or “washed out.” Raichbach said: “People know what they look like. The more you say, the worse it’s going to come out.” What to say instead: Lipson points out that commenting on appearance is tricky. “You don’t want to ignore the problem, but you HEALTH, continued on page 4 Topeka Presbyterian Manor
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can say something in a way that isn’t cruel,” she said. “If the person makes a comment about their appearance first, telling them, ‘I see it’s been hard on you’ is acceptable and then ask if there’s anything you can do for them.” 4. Blaming the patient: “You wouldn’t have these problems if you’d eaten right” or “Your smoking probably caused your cancer,” is not productive, said Lipson. “There’s no way to know for sure why someone has a health condition,” she said. “Why make them feel worse?” What to say instead: Lipson said the important thing is to find out how the person is feeling and asking what you can do. “A simple ‘How are you doing today?’ or asking them if they’re getting the support they need,” is good, she said.
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Community Matters September 2018
5. Asking someone who is depressed, “Why?”: According to the World Health Organization, an estimated 350 million people worldwide suffer from depression. Still, depression and anxiety are often dismissed by well-meaning people. Other things not to say: “What do you have to be depressed about, your life is great!” or “Why are you depressed, aren’t you on medication?” What to say instead: Lipson suggests focusing on a person’s strength. “Tell them ‘I’ve seen you get through this before, I know you will get through this,” she said,
adding that if you are close to the man or woman, you can ask, “You don’t seem like yourself. Have you seen your doctor lately?” In each of these situations, the experts suggest making specific offers, such as bringing food, taking the person to appointments, helping with child care and the like. Also, the words “I love you” go a long way. Like us on Facebook