Will You) Mary Me

(Will You)

MARY ME

The six usual suspects of Galentine’s Day.

Mary Santora @marysantoracomedy

Valentine’s Day can be a particularly hard holiday for any single woman. Everyone asking if you have anything romantic planned gets exhausting. They're never satisfied with an honest answer. They turn their noses up at “I'm going to kick back with a true crime podcast and a six pack before smashing an entire pizza” because no one seems to understand that self love is the best love. Not to mention how horrible dating apps can be for us ladies in the first two weeks of February. No, Trent, I don't want to spend “Valentime’s Day” with you and tacos. Skip this nonsense altogether this year, grab your favorite female friends, and celebrate Galentine’s Day!

I have personally partaken in three Galentine’s Day celebrations and they're always a blast. Getting together for overpriced eggs and mimosas with the women who you can truly be yourself around is unmatched. Whether you're enjoying the festivities yourself or just so happen to see a GDay brunch happening, here's the six usual suspects you will see celebrating Feb. 14 with some girl power.

The Married One. Ashley has always been the most organized, so it only makes sense that she would take care of the reservations and group text. She's been happily married to her college sweetheart for five years now and they are the definition of #RelationshipGoals. Don’t put it past her to pick up the first round of drinks and all of the apps. It would be annoying if she wasn't the most genuine human being on the planet.

The One in a New Relationship. Tara and Chase have dated for six weeks now and it's perfect! She will spend most of the afternoon commandeering every conversation back to something hilarious he said or how amazing it feels to have finally found the one, all while assuring the single friends that their true love is out there too! By her second Bloody Mary, she will leak that Chase went to get coffee with his ex today, but he’s like totally honest about it. They have a super strong foundation, so she’s not worried or constantly checking his Instagram. Everything’s fine! Love is amazing!

The One who Just Got Dumped. Emma was just let go from a two-year relationship last week and is barely holding it together. The poor girl tears up when John Legend plays and has a full-blown meltdown when the check comes because he was always the one who paid for her “eggs benny.” Everyone tries to be supportive, but her brand-new candy apple red hair and bangs are so distracting. Let her work through this, one box of dye at a time.

The Trainwreck. In true Kristi fashion, she will show up 45 minutes late, still drunk from the night before. Kristi has been single for six years and is really “living her best life.” She stumbles up to the table apologizing for being late but don't worry, she made it up to everyone with a round of fireball shots before noon! The fourth toast to “Cupid’s birthday” seems to hit her hard, but she assures you it's fine because she didn't drive. Her third DUI made sure of that.

The Flake. You invite Michelle to everything and she always bails last minute. Things never fail to “come up” and you haven't actually seen her face to face in two years, but all hell will break loose if she sees a group pic from a brunch she wasn’t invited to. She's included out of courtesy and the hopes she might actually show one day, but no one gets their hopes up.

The Flake’s Cousin. Michelle texted Ash two weeks ago and asked if her cousin could tag along, but of course Michelle is a no-show. Now, you're left with a literal stranger who seems nice enough, but you quickly find out she has her own agenda. Halfway through the meal, she asks if anyone wants to buy Adderall, to which Kristi replies, “Fuck yeah! Let’s day driiiiiiiiink!” They each throw a $20 on the table and are never to be heard from again.

Whether you're a heartbroken Emma, a love-drunk Tara, or an Ashley keeping your friend group together, Galentine’s day is a perfect way to get your mind off men and onto what’s most important: friendship! All mishaps and makeovers aside, these are your girls and you wouldn't be able to function without them. Take this year to celebrate one another for God’s sake, and have an intervention with Kristi.

Pressure Picks Upcoming Events to See.

The Blue Stones Feb. 22 // Grog Shop

We Were Promised Jetpacks Feb. 27 // Grog Shop

Chris Distefano Feb. 28–29 // Hilarities

Tracy Morgan Feb. 29 // MGM Northfield Park

Pigeons Playing Ping Pong March 5 // Agora Theatre

The Boys from The County Hell March 14 // Grog Shop

Dragonforce March 17 // Agora Theatre

#FalconRising March 20 // Crawford Auto-Aviation Museum

Dusty Slay March 20-22 // Hilarities

Letterkenny Live! March 27 // Agora Theatre