Motivational Sheesh

Having fun with seven horrible human emotions.

Dan Bernardi

Well, it’s another sloppy Cleveland winter. If you're a part-time pessimist like me, you could easily find a reason to say the glass ain't half full, it's empty. Rather than succumb to the typical bouts of seasonal depression and Valentine sickness, it’s high time we flip the script on all the negativity and embrace the bullshit. Instead of doing away with those horrible emotions, here's some goopy pseudo-motivation to make them work in your favor.

SHAME ON Comb through your hairy history and you're sure to find a grey thread of guilt somewhere in there. We've all done something we regret, big or small, vivid or forgettable. Part of coming to terms with the secret shit you're hiding is to not hide it at all. Tame that shame, mount it, and ride it into a sunset where everyone can see it bright and clear. It makes you more honest and it helps others learn how not to act if they don't want to end up like your sorry ass.

THE WEAK-NESS MONSTER What is your greatest weakness? Love? Work? T-Bell? Sometimes weakness is hard to define, especially when we tend to play to our strengths. Identifying your weaknesses and being open about them can be useful. In reality, a weakness is merely an anti-strength. We're human and our bold personalities require anti-strength to counterbalance the many strengths we possess. Yep, your weaknesses are basically merit badges.

FEAR FACTORS We're all terrified of something. Even if it's seemingly subconscious, it may still manifest itself in one form or another, such as a nightmare where your genitals have grown teeth and those teeth begin to fall out and then your genitals vanish entirely. Horrifying, isn't it? Common human fears of life, death, and genitalia don't have to be crippling. We can use our fears to protect ourselves as we strive to overcome them. Even fear itself isn't worth the fear.

ANGER MANAGER Anger is passion, and passion is a driving force in the world, so it's easy to allow yourself to flip your top when you feel wronged. What's not easy is taking your anger, bottling it, and then swallowing it with a pride chaser. This is a passive approach, but it may be the best option if your stark raving madness may reap even more discord. Whatever you do, don't ignore the anger; use it as a tool for change. Not like a violent power saw, but more like a safe, emotional Allen wrench.

HOT DATE WITH DISAPPOINTMENT We all know the feeling when something doesn't go our way. Maybe your online crush turned out to be a deep-fake, or Trump saw his shadow and we get four more years of winter. Disappointments can reveal expectations we didn't even know we had. While certain expectations may be unavoidable, we can taper them. You don't have to crack a fortune cookie to know that things will go your way if your way goes with things.

DESPAIR-ADO Despair is that awful feeling when there’s not always next year. Everything you shoot for backfires – now you’ve lost all hope in existence. Despair is a bad hand to be dealt, and the only realistic solution is to completely remove yourself. Retreat to the woods. There you can rebuild your life with twigs and grass, living off berries, ‘shrooms, and squirrels, eventually forgetting the meaning of hope altogether.

APATHY, OR WHATEVER Perhaps the most dangerous of horrible emotions, apathy makes it incredibly easy to not give a shit. A domino effect of detachment can find its way into every aspect of your life and suddenly nothing matters anymore. Before you reach the point of ultimate lethargy, realize that you can apply apathy back on itself. Who cares about indifference? No one. Certainly not you, you careful enthusiast.