READING GROUP GUIDE
CODEPENDENCY
DEFINITIONS AND DESCRIPTIONS
c o d e p e n d e n c y noun Definition
A psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (such as an addiction to alcohol or heroin). Broadly: dependence on the needs of or control by another. —T H E
M E R R I A M - W E B S T E R D I C T I O N A R Y O N L I N E , Retrieved Jan 7, 2020,
from merriam-webster.com/dictionary/codependency
“ Either we tried running things with too high a hand, weighted ourselves down with . . . guilt for another’s drinking, tried too hard to stop it, or we soothed deeply hurt feelings with luxurious baths of self-pity—none of it good. In our own way, though not as obviously, we were just as excessive as our compulsive drinkers were. . . . Indulgence in hot anger, violent reproach, neurotic frustration, our attempt to retreat as completely as possible to avoid embarrassment or shame, was exactly as uncontrolled as our partner’s drinking. Whether we acknowledged it or not, ours was a
disease too—a mental disorder we’d let ourselves fall into.” —U N D A T E D
M E M O , Louis Wilson, cofounder of Al-Anon, a support group for the friends and family of alcoholics
“ In her wildly successful 1985 classic about romantic codependency, Women Who Love Too Much, therapist Robin Norwood writes that women who have grown up in homes with addiction or other dysfunction “where the emotional burdens were too heavy and the responsibilities
too great, for these women what feels good and what feels bad have become confused and entangled and finally one and the same.” She goes on to describe the savior complex one female patient has experienced. It may sound healthy to be helpful, she says, but “while to have strength in a crisis is laudable,” codependent women “needed crises in order to function. Without uproar, stress, or a desperate situation to manage, the buried childhood feelings of being emotionally overwhelmed would surface and become too threatening.” —G O O D
M O R N I N G , D E S T R O Y E R O F M E N ’ S S O U L S , Nina Renata Aron
DISCUSSION QUESTIONS 1. Addiction—particularly male addiction—is often glamorized or venerated in literature and popular culture. Do you think that there is a kind of cultural fascination with addiction and addicts? Is this part of what draws Nina to K? If so, in what way? 2. Aron observes that “our cultural view of female addicts has long been dim, to say the least,” while addicted men are often given a pass, or even celebrated as “tormented” (both p. 186) geniuses. What cultural factors might contribute to this difference in treatment? Do you see any of those factors at play in Nina’s life? 3. How does Aron link the temperance movement and the rise of feminism in the U.S.? Why do you think the two are so closely intertwined—and why has the contribution of temperance women been “dwarfed” (p. 80) by that of suffragists in the historical account? 4. Aron notes that, as a child, she “often played the role of another parent in our unfolding family saga.” (p. 39) How might that dynamic have impacted her relationships as an adult? 5. Aron feels that she “made a better mistress than wife,” the true “have to have”, while a wife “is leftovers in the fridge.” (p. 138) What factors might have contributed to her feeling this way? How might these elements have affected her marriage? 6. Aron notes her association of true love with darkness and danger: “tumult” (p. 122), “obsession” and “mad flower” (both p. 175); something “a little bit evil.” (p. 169) What factors might have contributed to this perception? Do you agree with these connotations? 7. Why do you think K fails to invite friends and then leaves the housewarming party in chapter 23? Is there more to his actions than his assertion that he and his friends weren’t “really into sh*t like this.” (p. 203)? 8. Aron quotes temperance crusader Carrie Nation’s lines, “I represent the distracted, suffering, loving motherhood of the World, who, becoming aroused with a righteous fury, rebelled at this torture” as containing “the whole of the codependent experience.” (pp. 164–165) What do you think Aron means by drawing this comparison? What are some contemporary parallels between the early temperance movement and the current conversation around codependency? 9. Throughout the book, Aron is shot through with opposing tensions—a yearning for a more “normal” life (p. 88) and her tendency to create “the chaos I lived in” (p. 129); and her modern, feminist ideal of autonomous, individual fulfillment and the bonds of romantic and familial love. How do you think factors like upbringing, culture, self-perception, and motherhood might have contributed to these tensions? What other external factors may have created this opposition in her life, and how might they have impacted the nature of her codependency?
P L AY L I S T LUST TO LOVE —Go-Go’s CRAZY —Patsy Cline FEELS BLIND —Bikini Kill DOUBLE DARE YA —Bikini Kill TRY A LITTLE TENDERNESS —Otis Redding FAIRYTALE OF NEW YORK —The Pogues featuring Kirsty MacColl
K with his thick, black, Italian hair slicked into a throwback pompadour with Tres Flores brilliantine, greasy as Vaseline, its cloying petroleum-geranium fragrance trailing him. He came into the store— tall and lean and clean and beautiful, tattooed
NOTHING BUT A HEARTACHE —The Flirtations WOULD? —Alice in Chains JUNKHEAD —Alice in Chains REEL AROUND THE FOUNTAIN —The Smiths YOU’RE IN A BAD WAY —Saint Etienne
everywhere with sacred hearts and the lyrics of
(SITTIN’ ON) THE DOCK OF THE BAY —Otis Redding
Smiths songs—and bought an Alice in Chains CD
MATERIAL GIRL —Madonna
called Dirt. My eyes burned at the sight of him.
LOST IN YOUR EYES —Debbie Gibson
He knew instinctively, by my clothes or my attitude, the special sneer of the record-store employee, that I would disapprove of his selection—I’d made
CLOSE TO ME —The Cure A-TISKET, A-TASKET —Ella Fitzgerald IN MY LIFE (COSETTE AND JEAN VALJEAN) —Les Miserables
a point of looking like someone who was clearly
ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS —Pet Shop Boys
into deeper cuts. He walked to the register with a
SPEED TRIALS —Elliot Smith
defense already prepared. I drove all the way across
MISS MISERY —Elliot Smith
town so that no one would recognize me buying this,
NEEDLE IN THE HAY —Elliot Smith
he said, smiling as I rang him up. I smiled, too, and
SUICIDE —Dayglo Abortions
looked at him skeptically.
BEDTIME STORY —Dayglo Abortions
I’m on my way out to my mom’s, he continued, and
I WANNA BE AROUND —Tony Bennett
just needed something to listen to on the drive, but now
RAGS TO RICHES —Tony Bennett
I feel suddenly ashamed.
I LEFT MY HEART IN SAN FRANCISCO —Tony Bennett
You should, I said. That record is terrible. We laughed and I shrugged as if to say I don’t make the rules.
—G O O D
M O R N I N G , D E ST R OY E R O F M E N ’ S S O U L S , Nina Renata Aron
CCKMP (COCAINE CANNOT KILL MY PAIN) —Steve Earle THIS TOWN AIN’T BIG ENOUGH FOR THE BOTH OF US—Sparks TEEN ANGST —Cracker WHITE FLAG —Dido (Lee Grane cover) LEAN ON ME —Bill Withers ASPIRIN KID —Nation of Ulysses I CAN’T HELP YOU —Cate Le Bon IT’S ONLY MAKE BELIEVE —Conway Twitty THE HUNTER GETS CAPTURED BY THE GAME —The Marvelettes YOU’RE MY REMEDY —The Marvelettes LOVELY DAY —Bill Withers