T H E T O P 1 0 WAY S T O N O T B E A N ASSHOLE IN 2020 (AND BEYOND)! By Kara Kinney Cartwright, mom of two well-adjusted, just-barely-adult young men and author of Just Don’t Be An Assh*le: A Surprisingly Necessary Guide to Being a Good Guy
DON’T TREAT YOUR PARENTS LIKE YOUR EMPLOYEES Do not tell your parents what to do. Ask them. Nicely. If the answer is no, do not throw a mantrum (A mantrum is the exact same thing as a toddler-style tantrum except that it is thrown by someone whose voice has changed and/or who is over five feet tall. In other words, it is not cute.) DON’T OVERSTAY YOUR WELCOME Pro-tip for avoiding painfully awkward exits from friends’ houses: if food starts being cleared away, there’s a change of lighting, or stretching and yawning of any kind—you need to get going. If you’ve stayed long enough to see the trash bag, congratulations! You’re on trash duty too. Get up and get cleaning. DON’T USE ALCOHOL AS AN EXCUSE FOR BEING AN ASSH*LE The precise moment you feel it’s imperative to take off your shirt, decide to whip out your cell and start texting a crush, or get an awesome idea that has anything whatsoever to do with live animals, you’re done. TIP: Never be the drunkest one in the room. If you are, you’re the assh*le everybody has to worry about for the rest of the night. DON’T APOLOGIZE OVER TEXT To avoid being an assh*le, you need to learn how to apologize for real. The sound of your apology needs to come out of your mouth hole and go directly into the other person’s ear hole, preferably while you are looking them right in the eye holes.