DEAR READER, Firstly, I’d like to thank you for picking up my debut novel, Out of Love. While this is my first book, it’s by no means my first experience with writing, as I’ve been a screenwriter for many years now, mostly in the horror genre. People can’t seem to get their heads around that—the jump from horror to romance—and I’ll tell you now what I’ve been telling them for years: I can think of nothing more horrific than love. Truly, there is no other experience in this world that comes at a higher price than love. We forget, I think, that by allowing ourselves to love, we are entering into an unspoken contract with the universe to one day feel pain. And the greater the love, the greater the pain. Real, visceral, unimaginable suffering. The kind that leaves us wondering why we ever loved to begin with. Was it, we inevitably ask ourselves, even worth it? Well, that’s the question I set out to answer in Out of Love. Having suffered great loss in my life, and having been through several traumatic breakups, I found myself writing the first chapter by muscle memory in an attempt to pick through my experiences of grief and examine the immediate effect of loss on an already fragile psyche. At the time though, it wasn’t intended to be a chapter at all, it wasn’t intended to be anything really, it was more like a deluge of words and feelings pouring out of me, in much the same way that tears might pour out during a good cry. When I’d finished, what I had was a story that began at the end of a relationship. I sent it to a few friends and they all sent back two things: a photo of themselves crying (which I secretly really enjoyed) and a question . . . what happens next? I wasn’t interested in what happened next though. I wanted to know what happened before. I wanted to lay this relationship out on a concrete slab and perform a thorough autopsy (see how similar love is to horror?). I wanted to unravel the already woven tapestry until I could identify the individual threads that had held this couple together and eventually pulled them apart. And so, I set about writing a book backward, something I have promised my poor, exhausted brain I will never do again. Through a series of vignettes, I traveled back through time with my narrator, experiencing the relationship through her eyes, from tragic breakup to magical first kiss. I jumped about in their timeline, too, examining whichever moment felt most urgent, telling whichever story was keeping me up at night, and piecing together the puzzle as I went. I found myself veering from the relationship into her friendships, her family, her career, her sexuality, her trauma, her hopes and her fears, and in doing so, I began to understand her, and myself, much more clearly. As I wrote, I sometimes noticed my own life, my own therapy and healing journey, informing hers, and sometimes vice versa. Writing Out of Love has been an immensely personal process for me. And incredibly cathartic, too. Have no doubt, this was a purely selfish endeavor—I got the answers I needed—but if by reading it you happen to find some answers, too, then what a beautiful bonus that is! I once said that this book is for anyone who has loved and lost and lived to tell the tale, and I mean that; whomever it is you’ve lost, whatever grief you’ve suffered, and wherever you’ve found yourself in life right now, I see you, I commend you, and I hope this book can offer some small comfort or insight, or at the very least, the knowledge that you’re not alone.
WITH LOVE AND GRATITUDE,
Hazel Hayes
DISCUSSION QUESTIONS 1.
This novel begins at the end; a bittersweet romance told in reverse. What did you think about that during your reading experience? 2.
It’s unique that the female protagonist is never named—although she is the lead character. Did you notice that? What do you think the reasoning for that might be? 3.
From the tragic breakup to the magical first kiss—when did you most relate with our narrator? Throughout the many different stages of their relationship, what feelings did Theo evoke in you? 4.
What is one of the more humorous things you’ve done or thought about doing after a “horrific” breakup? 5.
Each chapter jumps farther into the past, mining their history for the days and details that might help us understand love—how it happens and why it sometimes falls apart. Does looking back seem to help the protagonist; or lead her further away from finding happiness again? Or, can they be mutually exclusive? 6.
So many standard breakup questions abound throughout the story: What did she ever see in him? How could they have spent so long together? When did they fall out of love? Were there good times before the bad? How can you as a reader relate to the main character asking herself these questions in your own life?
7.
What have been some of the best/most cathartic things you have done for yourself after a breakup? 8.
As the story goes on and the novel ends, our main character finds hope, something we all are constantly striving for. How do you find hope and your inner strength when tough things come your way? 9.
Even though you know from the first page that “Angel” and Theo’s relationship is ultimately doomed, do you think Out of Love has a happy ending?