4 minute read
BLOG SPOT with Dario Cotroneo
ARE YOU A PEOPLE PLEASER?
“Care about what other people think, and you will always be their prisoner.” – Lao Tzu
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In my younger years, there was a time in my career, when I would spend a lot of time worried what others thought of me and my work, I worked crazy hours because I didn’t want to say “NO” and struggled if I thought I had upset or let someone at work down. In essence I was a “people pleaser”. Time and life lessons have helped me to overcome this habit. Here are a few of my tips that may help you break the habit of being a “People Pleaser”.
People pleasing involves putting someone else’s needs ahead of your own. People-pleasers are often seen as agreeable, helpful, and kind. However, people-pleasers may have trouble backing themselves, which can lead to a harmful pattern of self-sacrifice or self-neglect.
While being kind and helpful is a good thing, going too far to please others can leave you feeling drained and stressed. Some of the signs that you are a people pleaser are:
• You have a difficult time saying “no.” • You are preoccupied with what other people might think. • You feel guilty when you tell people “No.” • You fear that turning people down will make them think you are mean or selfish. • You agree to things you don’t like or do things you don’t want to do. • You struggle with feelings of low selfesteem. • You want people to like you. • You’re always telling people you’re sorry. • You take the blame even when something isn’t your fault. • You never have any free time because you are always doing things for others. • You neglect your own needs in order to do things for others. • You pretend to agree with people even though you feel differently. As a people pleaser you may find yourself feeling negative emotions because you are devoting all your time to helping others in order to make them happy or win their approval. You may feel some of the following:
• Anger and Frustration - While you might enjoy helping, you may experience frustration when you are doing things reluctantly or out of obligation.
• Anxiety and Stress- Efforts to keep other people happy can stretch your own physical and mental resources.
• Depleted Willpower - Devoting all of your energy towards making sure that others are happy means you are less likely to be able to tackle your own goals.
• Lack of Authenticity – People pleasers will often hide their own needs and preferences in order to accommodate other people. Therefore, you may not be living your life authentically.
• Weaker Relationships - If you are putting all your effort into making sure that you meet other people’s expectations, you may find yourself feeling resentful. Whilst people might appreciate your giving nature, they may also begin to take your kindness and attentiveness for granted and may not even realise they are taking advantage of you.
Fortunately, there are steps you can take to stop being a people-pleaser and learn how to balance your desire to make others happy, without sacrificing your own.
• Establish Boundaries – I wrote about boundary setting in my previous Blog! • Start Small – Begin by asserting yourself in small ways. Start by saying “No “ to smaller
requests, try expressing your opinion about something small, or ask for something that you need. • Set Goals and Priorities - Consider where you want to spend your time. Who do you want to help? What goals are you trying to accomplish? If something is sapping your energy or taking too much of your time, take steps to address the problem. • Stall for Time - Saying “yes” right away can leave you feeling obligated, however by taking your time to respond will give you time to evaluate and decide if it’s something you really want to do.
Remember that relationships require give and take. If you enjoy pleasing others, it is important that they are also reciprocating the kindness. Being kind and thoughtful are desirable qualities. Just remember not to do things because you fear rejection or want the approval of others.
I like to think that with my boundaries set and my own self-awareness, I have overcome being a people pleaser. I haven’t given up wanting to help others – it’s in my core being, that’s why I love being an educator, but I do what I can without jeopardising my own mental wellbeing. My greatest oxytocin high is knowing I have helped or made someone’s life richer, easier, better.
Kindness doesn’t demand attention or rewards and doesn’t require one to suffer whilst giving it—it simply requires a desire to make things better for another person.
Hopefully we can all share in the “Act of Kindness” daily.
